Breakup Blues

((sigh)) I miss BJ.
But I can't call him. He doesn't wanna talk to me.
He did write me a message on myspace last night though. I'll paste.

Well,
Now that I am at least a little less aggravated, let me take a second to explain how I feel. Mainly I was just a little hurt because obviously you don't feel comfortable in a relationship with me and that's fine. We are two totally different people after all. I mean obviously I am apparently a stupid frat boy with no redeeming qualities. Anyway I can't really just go back to being your friend so yeah sorry about that. Really I just wanted to tell you it was fun while it lasted and I probably will be done being angry by the end of the night. Well I hope all works out well for you and your parents ease up off you because all in all your not doing bad.
Bye,
BJ

Way to drive the knife in. Now I feel incredibly horrible, and guilty too. I mean, I shouldn't feel that way, because I did the right thing!
Right?

Cold Feet

I broke up with BJ.
I just...couldn't do it. I mean...all those feelings I had initially, those reservations? They weren't going away! Just the opposite in fact; they were intensifying! And I didn't want to drag things out, so I just...ended it.
It all started when he invited me to go to a wedding in September!

"What!?" I said, "That's like...6 months away!?"
"So what? It's in Louisiana and my whole family is gonna be there." He said.
"Yea but...we might not even still be together in 6 months!" I spluttered.
"I wouldn't be with you now if I didn't plan on still being with you in 6 months." He answered matter-of-factly.

I was pretty much speechless. And that whole conversation just got me thinking...he's in this so much more than I am!
I'm not being fair to him, and I'm wasting his time, leading him into this false sense of...I don't even know!
I mean there was always the issue with his height that bothered me, and ladies...at the risk of sounding shallow, I have to say it. His, um...member. It was minuscule. To the point where it was like, why even bother having sex?
Yes.
That bad.
And I discussed the issue with Melissa because I mean...what do you do in that situation!? It's not like he can help how tall he is, or how small his penis is! Those things about him are never going to change. And I knew that those were both things I wasn't going to be able to deal with forever.

So anyways, when I talked to him I just said that we were in 2 different places in our relationship. And he likes to plan things, and I don't! And I admitted that I was a little freaked out about the wedding invite 6 months in advance. And basically what it boils down to, is I'm not ready to be in a relationship.
I didn't wanna tell him that basically, I just wanted to have fun, but didn't see a future with us. Because that would be incredibly cruel and heartless. But I still told him the truth.
I definitely wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I've really come into my own this past year, being single. And I like my freedom. And I like having options. And as silly and naive as it may sound...I'm still waiting for Mr. Wonderful! He's gotta be out there somewhere right?? Not necessarily the man of my dreams or anything, but at least a guy who I could see a future with.

Needless to say, BJ didn't take the news well at all. In fact, he acted very immaturely. He pretty much told me "fuck you, I'm deleting your phone number, and I never wanna talk to you again." I responded that I'm sorry for hurting him, but I didn't think I was being fair to him, and I just wanted to be honest with him. And that I will always care about him.
What sucks is, I originally myspaced him to get my friend back. And now I'm back where I started, because he definitely doesn't wanna be my friend.
((sigh))

One thing I am certain of, is that I did the right thing. We were only together for what? Two weeks? He will get over me quickly and move on. And at least this way it didn't end in a huge, violent blow out. But still, no matter how it happens, breakups are always so taxing. I mean it took a lot out of me to have that conversation, and it hurt to hurt him. I never wanted that. In the future I'm going to have to consider the consequences of my decisions more carefully.

Demetri Of The Day:
“I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’”

The Breakup

After Emma picked me up from my accident, and things were so weird, I got to thinking. And it just made me sad that our friendship has been reduced to what it is now. So I wrote her an email. I'll paste them all.

Me:
Hey...
So um...I can't help but thinking lately, that I'm really sad we aren't such good friends anymore. I mean I guess it's sort of normal for people to grow apart over the years. I just never expected that to happen to us. And I'd really like it if we could hang out, just the 2 of us and catch up. I guess for a while I was just starting to feel like you only called me, or wanted to hang out when it was convenient for you, or if you needed something. And whenever I would come to visit, you would hang out with Dave (the boyfriend) more than you would with me. So I got frustrated and stopped really trying. But I should have just talked to you about it. Anyway...I'm not trying to get all dramatic or emo on you or anything. I just wanted to let you know, that no matter what happens, or how much time goes by, I will always love you like a sister, and if you ever need anything AT ALL, I will always be there for you if you need me. So...I dunno. I just hope that you know that.
okbye.

Emma:
Um...I think this is the email that I should have sent YOU...and yes, our friendship does suck really bad these days. I don't want to get all "emo" on you either, but um...it like...REALLY hurt my feelings that you can't take a day out of your busy schedule to come see ME in huntsville even though I've asked you to come see me a million times, but you just...drive up here on a whim for BJ. Just...in the middle of the week, he calls you and you just...get in your car and drive up here. And you couldn't even find the time to stop by and say hi or something...you know where I live and it's practically on the way for you. So i just figured we weren't friends anymore. BTW, do you notice that every...I dunno...year or so we go through this? ie. you write me an email about us growing apart, and then I get excited, thinking you want to be friends again...and that's it. We never follow it up. But I guess what I'm trying to say is....yea, I'd love to hang out too. Okbye.
Emma

Me:
well i DID wanna hang out with you! i had been trying and trying to call you, and you never answered the phone, or returned my calls! and the reason i went up to visit bj, i mean besides the obvious, is because i knew he would actually HANG OUT with me! every time i go up there, we make all these plans, but in the end its just me, sitting in your living room watching you and dave snogging! and i mean, i know you're busy with school and everything, but it's like...you rarely even call and tell me when you're in pearland. i always hear it from my mom. so i just assume you don't wanna hang out. and even when you came to my bar, and you didn't let me know you were coming, i just...ran into you. and i felt like you hated my friends...i dunno. i guess we just have a lot of underlying issues we need to work out. so do me a favor. tell me EVERYTHING that's bothering you. like, seriously, because i think we just need to put everything out there.
Emma:
ok.
1. I DID used to call u and leave a voicemail, or text u, letting u know I was coming to pearland. I guess....you didn't get those messages or forgot or...I dunno. SO eventually I stopped calling. But I really did call...quite a bit.
2. U say you've been trying to call me lately...well u called like...twice. That's really not that much. And the reason I didn't return your calls is b/c I figured I would never get a hold of you anyways. For explanation, refer to #1.
3. It's been so long since you actually DID come visit me, that I don't even remember what went on. It was at least over year ago. And honestly, I don't remember not paying attention to you. I'm surprised you feel that way; I didn't know you had a problem w/ David being around when you were visiting. Other than that, I didn't know you had a bad time at my house...I guess I should've been more entertaining. But the truth is, it's been so long since I've even hung out w/ a girlfriend, that I don't even know what it is that we're supposed to do for fun. And I had a good time when u were here...I guess it wasn't mutual.
4. I do have a problem w/ your new friends. It's more of a comfort issue than anything. We've talked about this b4 and it boils down to the same issues. They were the people I hated even walking past in high school b/c they were mean to me and made fun of me. Just sitting near them in class made my stomach knot up for fear they would pick on me. And I still have a problem w/ that, and they make me uncomfortable and...pissed off. And there's no reason for me to want to hang out w/ them voluntarily now. So I don't really want to hang out w/ u when you're w/ them. I don't think that's ever going to change. Now your argument is: why don't u just give them a chance? And I would say: because they wouldn't give me a chance in high school. And you would say, why don't u just forgive and forget? And I would say, b/c I'm hard headed. So I guess it's an "impasse".

Me:
1. Me not answering the phone, or whatever back then had nothing to do with me not wanting to talk to you. It has to do with me being busy. And these days, I'm still busy, but i'm not in school anymore, and I don't work as long of shifts as I used to, so I have more time. And if you wanted to call and talk then I would definitely make time to talk to you.
2. No matter how many times i did or didn't call you in the recent past, the point is that I did. I reached out to you, and it felt like you didn't reach back. No matter what you thought about whether I would answer or not, you still could have called me back. I really did wanna see you.
3. I WOULD have fun with you in Huntsville, and I have no beef with Dave. It's just...awkward when I'm sitting there, ALWAYS the third wheel, and you're like sitting on his lap, talking to him in baby voices, and making out. And it's not like you have to plan some big huge display or whatever to hang out with me. We can just...go riding, or go eat, or play harry potter games or whatever! just...enjoy each other's company! that's all!
4. As for my friends, I take issue with this because A) i'm not asking you to hang out with them. B) the only person I'm really friends with that we went to HS with is Melissa. And I know for a fact that she never made fun of me. Some of her friends in HS may have, but I don't talk to them. Melissa is just...really outgoing and friendly to EVERYONE. and she was nice to you at my bar, and you pretty much snubbed her, which hurt her feelings. Im not gonna lie, I love Melissa to death, and she has been nothing but an awesome friend, so there's no reason for me to dislike her by association. And you dont have to hang out with her, or even like her. I don't care about that. It's OUR friendship that matters right now.
It just seems like in the past, you have NEVER liked any of my friends that weren't mutual. Aka, Cecilia, and Alyssa. So anytime I was hanging out with a group, I always felt like I would have to go out of my way to make sure you were comfortable or happy, or whatever, because you would act all...weird around them. I'm a pretty good judge of character Emma. i know which friends to keep, and which ones to let go. Which is why we're having this conversation right now!
Here's my thing. You need to be more open minded, or at least more accepting. Don't punish me for other people's crimes. Who I choose to hang out with when you're not around should not affect OUR friendship, because we have been friends forever, and I hope it will stay that way. I would always hang out with you and your friends and I'm always nice to everyone.
This is how it looks to me:You are refusing to let go of this high school grudge against these people who never really did anything, other than not acknowledge you. In every high school there are cliques, and we were part of one too. Certain cliques just don't mix by principle. It's stupid, I know, but most people get out of high school and realize these things, and move on, and assimilate. The fact of the matter is, you don't even KNOW these people! And i'm pretty sure none of them have a problem with you. And that's why it seems a little ridiculous to me. But...ya know, you're gonna do whatever you wanna do. I just feel like you're acting like I've "sold out" or something. But that's not the case. And me being friends with other people, doesn't mean i'm NOT going to be friends with you.

Emma:
Ok well. there's lots of things i wanna say in reply, but I don't feel like sitting here for hours. So here's the main points.I feel like for the past....I dunno 5 years, I've been the one reaching to YOU and I feel more than snubbed. But you're right. I'm wrong. I've been a horrible friend to you, always calling you only when I needed something, I'm closed-minded, and rude to your friends. Seriously...I just hope that the next time we meet...whenever that may be (couple of months, or years) we can at least remain friends based on the fact that at one point in the past, we were everything each other had.

Me:
Emma...come on. I wasn't trying to bitch you out. I was just telling you how I feel. And I want you to do the same. We are both equally at fault for the way things are. I just don't want us to continue being passive aggressive about this. I just want us to be friends again. That's all. :/

Emma: Well...if you think that writing me a couple of email is going to magically make us bff's again...you're wrong...

Emma: I'm pretty disappointed in the turn our friendship has taken in the past couple of years. And maybe that has a lot to do w/ the fact that I seem to resent your friends. Because I feel like you've repeatedly chosen them over me. And at one point, that used to hurt my feelings. But now i'm just...I dunno I can't even explain it. I'm still mad, but I guess it's been so long that it doesn't really bother me anymore. So now I'm just bitter. I honestly don't know if we're ever going to be normal friends again. BTW, I didn't even think you noticed or cared that we're not friends anymore. I'm quite surprised that you did.

Me: When have I ever chosen any1 over you?? I would always try to include you! And I don't understand WHY you resent me or my friends. There have been lots of instances where I've felt like you didn't really care about me, or times when I needed you, but you didn't notice. And now I'm trying to mend things and you just wanna take stabs at me and my friends that you seem to hate so much. ((sigh)) You know what? Fine. If you don't want to be friends, there's obviously nothing I can do about it. But let it go down in the books that I obviously DID notice and DO care, or I wouldn't have bothered to write you in the first place.

Emma:
Ok now this is getting completely ridiculous. Please answer me this:When have I not cared about you? All those times I called u like an idiot and u never answered? Or are u referring to the fact that I am now almost failing my Mktg. class because I came to get u from Wendy's that is 300 yards from my classroom when u wrecked your car? You're right, I'm a horrible friend. Or wait, what about the time that I freakin' took care of your horse for like 2 months and you never ONCE came to see me, or ride with me. Not freakin' once. Were you being "passive aggressive" then? And also, when have I ever only called you when I needed something? I've never even asked you for a favor...give me just one instance when I've asked you for anything else besides your friendship. I don't understand why you're acting like you're the victim here!! You're the one who's changed so much I barely recognize you. I've been here this whole time, the same Emma you've always known, sitting here wondering how my best friend just dumped me over the years. I simply quit trying because I wasn't getting anything from you in response. I wasn't being "passive aggressive", I just got the hint. I figured I just wasn't "cool" enough or "fun" enough for you to want to hang out w/ me anymore. Which is fine, I'm completely over it now and it doesn't bother me. But it did at one point. And I'm still holding a grudge and like I said, a freakin' email isn't going to fix a damn thing.So...to make a long story short, if you want to be friends again, I might accept really, really sincere apology. Might. I still don't even know if we could even start over, it might be too weird. And if you're not capable of an apology, then fine...and because it means so much to you, I'll be sure and remember the fact that you were the one break our 3-year silence, not me. Kudos to you...
Emma:
And no more emails. If you have anything else to tell me, please call me, or text me, or just come over in person. Since you're here all the time now.


Needless to say I'm really upset about this. Not only because we used to be like sisters, but because I don't understand where all this is coming from, or how I'm supposed to shoulder all the blame! I was just trying to talk to her, and she's being a total bitch to me!! I mean...please, tell me I'm not insane!
I just don't know what to do know, and my feelings are really hurt. And obviously, I'm not going to send her another message. At this point, I really am considering just showing up at her house.
((sigh))

Shopping Therapy

I had such an amazing day!!

Last night at work, Bethany invited me to go shopping in Austin for the day with her and our coworker/manager, Cameryn. I was a little hesitant at first, because I've never really hung out with Cameryn outside of work. I mean, I've always liked her, but truth be told, I've always been a little intimidated by her since she's one of my managers, and since she's my only female manager. But she's also a bartender so, I actually get to work side by side with her sometimes, and she's awesome.
And we had a total blast!! Bethany picked me up around 11 this morning and we drove up to work to meet Cameryn. The drive went by quickly. We just chatted about all kinds of stuff. Then when we got to Austin, we met up with another girl, Katie, who used to work at our bar before I started working there. Now she lives in Austin with her boyfriend and works for Redken. So we had lunch, margs, and mojitos! Then Katie took us all around town to the best boutiques (most of which I had already been to). And I came home with some really great steals too! Of course now I'm exhausted from our day of running around. But I've got the whole night (er...morning...) and all day tomorrow to relax and rest up before work.

I haven't even spoken to BJ since he went back to Huntsville. He was in Spring for the Easter weekend with his dad, but now he's back to having no phone. ((sigh)) And lately I've been having these sudden, intense pangs of buyer's remorse! You know, about the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I'm just not sure I'm ready for it! And I mean...I just keep thinking, I know I'm not gonna marry this guy, he's not The One or anything like that so... So what am I doing?? Am I being selfish? Am I wasting his time? Am I wasting my time??? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him a lot! I just...can't stop overanalyzing. ((sigh)) What is wrong with me?! Things are just so different when I'm there in Huntsville with BJ. It's like, I can just forget about everything else and enjoy myself, and enjoy his company.

I just wish I could actually talk to him. Maybe then I could stop thinking about all this crap.

Demetri Of The Day:
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”

Chemistry of a Car Crash

Well, my trip to Huntsville was bittersweet. BJ's phone is still shut off, because for some reason, the military has been slow getting his paycheck to him this pay period. So the second day I was there, he left for class in the morning, and I stayed in bed. He finally came home around 2, and I was already up and showered, etc, just waiting for him to get back. But then he announced that he was going to the gym with one of his fraternity brothers, so I decided to head to the nearest bookstore. We agreed to meet back at his apartment in 2 hours. So I packed up my iPod, and my laptop, and headed out.

So I'm driving along on the only main road that goes through campus, and past all three of Huntsville's bars, and the speed limit is 35. I always go the speed limit there too, because the cops are ridiculous. Well, suddenly the guy right in front of me swerves into the right lane, because the car in front of him, was apparently slowing down to turn. Well, since there's no turn lane, the guy in front of me didn't wanna slow down to wait for this guy to turn, so instead, he gets over, leaving me with exactly 2 seconds to stop! I slammed on my brakes, but it wasn't soon enough, and my poor, beloved car, goes smashing head on into the now stopped, Focus hatchback in front of me. I was in such shock that I literally sat there and just stared at what used to be the front of my car, for about 5 minutes. Then some guy from the patio of the bar across the street came running over and opened my door.
"Hey, are you ok??" he asked.
I could only stare at him, nod my head and mumble something unintelligible. My hands were shaking uncontrollably, and I could feel a red, seatbelt burn forming on my chest. I was afraid to get out and actually look at my car. I already knew it was bad. I loved that car! I mean I've only been driving it for a month! I clumsily got out, to a throng of staring people. I thought this must be the most excitement anyone had had all month.

Things were kind of a blur after that. The guys in the car I hit were ok. There was barely even a dent in his bumper. My car was destroyed. A police officer showed up. He was really nice, but still wrote me a ticket. Then the tow truck came. I called my parents. My mom freaked out on me. She started going on and on about how irresponsible I am, and how I'm always just "running off" to different cities. My dad just kept saying how much time and money he spent fixing that car up for me. I couldn't even really defend myself to either of them. I was just so upset! And disappointed, and still in shock. I had no one to call. BJ's phone was still off and I didn't have any of his friends' numbers. So I called the only other person I know in Huntsville: Emma.
Emma and I used to be best friends. I mean we were like sisters. And I had called her the day before to tell her I was coming into town and see if she wanted to catch up, but of course she didn't answer. So I wasn't surprised when she didn't answer my call again. So I sent her a text, begging her to call, and telling her it was kind of an emergency. The first thing she wrote to me was "I can't. I'm in class." So I told her I'd been in a wreck, and then she offered to pick me up. I waited inside the Wendy's for at least an hour.
When she finally came to pick me up, she offered no condolences, no small talk, no...nothing! She pretty much acted like I was a complete stranger! I mean, no matter how much we may have drifted apart in the last couple years, I still consider her a good friend! If she had been in my situation, I would have dropped everything! I mean I will always be there for her, if she ever needs me. But she just made me feel like I was totally inconveniencing her! ((Sigh))
Well, I had her drive me back to BJ's apartment. I got in his bed and just cried. I hadn't cried yet because first I had to talk to the cops, then my parents, then the tow truck guy, then Emma... So finally I just couldn't hold it in anymore. And then BJ came home.
"You're never gonna believe what just happened to me." I said.
"What??" he asked.
I told him the whole story, and he immediately hugged me, and asked if I was alright, and told me everything would be fine. He even offered to drive me home. He was just so sweet, and made me feel so much better. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

That night, we went to his fraternity's St. Patty's Day party. And we had so much fun! It was such a relief to forget about all my troubles and just...drink and have a good time. I met everyone, and I took tons of pictures! Afterwards, we laid in his bed and talked. I told him about how I'm scared to give up my freedom, and how I've just gotten used to being on my own, but I that I really like him. And he said it was ok and to take my time. Eventually we fell asleep, but I can't remember when.

The next day, I wanted to tell him "Yes! Ok! I wanna be your girlfriend!" but I just couldn't bring myself to do it! It just never seemed like the right time, and I just felt...stupid. Lol. I dunno why. But he drove me home, and helped me carry all my stuff inside. I was incredibly sore from the accident. My back and neck still hurt like hell actually. And I had to go to work that night! It was awful. So when I got home from work, I sent him this message on myspace:

"Hey, I just got home like 10 minutes ago. I had a really horrible night at work. ((Sigh)) I felt like shit all night, not to mention i was exhausted. but...at least it's over. anyways um...i don't really know how to say this, it seems so weird, but here goes. I think you're really beautiful and I feel really warm when I'm around you and my tongue swells up... Lol, jk...that was a quote from Elf, in case you didn't know. Basically, what i'm saying is, i like you. lol. and i've decided not to let the labels bother me so much. so i guess, you can refer to me as whatever you like, but consider this your written notice of commitment. lol. and if you're not doing anything tomorrow, perhaps we can hang out, cuz i don't work till 10. although, i don't have anything to drive. lol. i'll just call you when i get up.
i'm going to bed now.
Goodnight, Boyfriend ;)"

So when I woke up the next morning, I was really anxious to call him! But I checked my myspace first, to see if he'd written back, only to find that he hadn't even read my message yet! So I didn't wanna call him yet. Lol. Finally, at like 4pm, he wrote back.

"Lol well thats good. I am definitely better at knowing the boundaries in a committed relationship. Plus thats what I wanted anyway. Well I am in Spring so if youre up go ahead and give me a call."

I did call him, but it was too late for us to hang out since Spring is still a good 40 minutes away from my house. But we have plans to hang out tomorrow, and I'm feeling a lot better now that I've slept, and I'm getting over the soreness from the accident.

I told Cecilia about us. She said she "saw it coming". But she definitely wasn't thrilled. Although, I really can't blame her, what with the horrible triangle that we were in a few years back when she and BJ dated. But this is different because BJ is actually my boyfriend. But I don't have to worry, because Cecilia and I will always be best friends no matter what, and we have no problems being open and honest with each other.

Well, it is now 6 in the morning and I have yet to go to sleep! Lol. I went and ate with Bethany and Tugg after work. So I'm gonna go to sleep, but I'll keep you all updated!
Oh, and I wish everyone a Happy Easter!!

Demetri Of The Day:
“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart… Especially if the human is kind of hairy.”

I almost can't believe I'm saying this but...
I have a boyfriend! I have a boyfriend!! (said in a sing-song-like chant)

Details later, I gotta get ready for work!

That Tingley, Fuzzy, Heart-Warming Feeling

The last time I was in Huntsville, I went to campus with BJ because he had to introduce 2 of his friends. One girl needed help with her homework, the other one said she'd tutor her...etc. So anyways, we went to the library to make sure the 2 girls met each other and got along and stuff.

The reason I'm telling you guys this is because today, I was stalking him on myspace again (lol), and i came across a comment from the girl who needed tutoring. She said, "something something...fyi your girlfriend and i arent even speaking really... "
And he wrote back, "My girlfriend goes by a different name these days so don't worry about it. You met her while we were waiting on April to show up for your study group."
And when I read that I just...couldn't stop smiling! Haha, it's cheesy, I know, but...I think I do wanna be with him. I dunno what's holding me back. I'm just afraid to give up my freedom. I've never been good at being single! I've always been the monogamous type. But now that I've fallen into my niche, and really learned how to be on my own it's like...I don't wanna upset the balance! I'm nice and comfy in my little eggshell, and it's just too easy to break. ((Sigh))
But I think BJ has already cracked that shell, so it's only a matter of time before it shatters. I may as well break it on my own terms.
Well, I'm heading up there tomorrow to see him, so I'll be sure to keep you guys posted on what's going on!

Demetri Of The Day:
"If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy."

St.Patrick's Day Promise

Ok here's the response I got from BJ on myspace.

"Ok,

Well i saw Lindsey while I was in florida, and Chase, Lindsey and I had dinner and some drinks and then we went out to harpoon harrys and then I took her home. Nothing happened, i didn't sleep with her or anything. As for us I am so confused. You tell me to just let it ride, so I dont really know how to act around other girls because im worried its gonna upset things with us, but at the same time I dont know what things with us are, so its all a bit confusing. So I mean I'm kinda doing my own thing and trying to let you do yours because i dont wanna be pushy or anything so I guess let me know when you figure it out. As for the Lindsey situation, I will always probably love her Im just not in love with her anymore. She asked me to sleep with her and I told her no the best way i could. So if that doesn't make you comfortable with the situation I dont know what will. If there is something that I can do to make the situation better just let me know. Ok im going to the gym now.
Ohh and im cool like you soooo.....Late."

I wrote back:

"((sigh)) Well i'm not asking you to do, or not do anything, other than just be honest with me. You said you knew what you wanted, but I'm getting the impression, that maybe you don't have as much conviction as you thought. Which is fine! I'm just...I dunno... I care about you, but I have a hard time trusting you, so of course things are going to get complicated. I mean I WANT to trust you, it's just hard for me to let my guard down with you because of our history. And let me explain to you EXACTLY what I mean by "let it ride". Lol. Basically, I just wanna take things slow in the dating/relationship department. Because, like I said, I need to trust you more, and spend more time with you, etc etc... So I think we should keep hanging out and just let things fall where they lie. Make sense? I mean what you do, and who you make out with/sleep with/WHATEVER, is your business. And I'm not gonna tell you "no, don't do this", or "hey, you need to do this", because that isn't my place. But that doesn't mean that I don't think about those things, or that it doesn't bother me at all. In my experience the truth always comes out in the end. So...I may as well hear it from you. And I appreciate you telling me that. Ok, that's all I have to say on that topic.
What's the deal for Wednesday?

LATE.
p.s. you'll never be cool like me."

And he wrote back again.

"Ok,
I do know what I want and what I want is a normal relationship with you. I do however, understand your hesitancy in the whole trust department, and I am sure I have rightfully earned that. But, to be honest, I just got done wasting about 5 months letting it ride and dating and it just didn't work. Mainly because to me I am either committed or I'm not and I guarantee one of us is going to end up hurt if this is the way we go about this. So the decision is ultimately up to you and I will respect which ever way you decide. Im leaning for the relationship decision just so you know.

Ohh and I've always been cooler than you.
LATE"

Then I said,

"well, you do realize that in any situation, whether you knew the girl before or not, you can't just JUMP right into a committed relationship with someone, right? i mean, are you pretty much giving me a time limit? because, judging by what you've told me in the past couple weeks, you've had feelings for me on and off for years, so what's a month or 2? i'm not saying i'm gonna drag you around for 5 months. it doesn't usually take me that long to figure shit out.
btw, you never answered my question about wednesday. you told me to get off on the 19th, so i did. and what are you doing tomorrow??

p.s. somebody lied to you."

BJ:

"Ok, Fine I can give you two months but I make no promises on how well it will go. I have no plans tomorrow and the st. patricks party is on wed. but to be honest I am definitely over partying for a while so i dont think I am gonna go. At some point this week I would like to see you so let me know when you have off and potentially would like to hang out. Kay."

Me:

"i'm off tomorrow, and wednesday. and just so you know, i don't like ultimatums. that's not cool. and what do you mean by you make no promises?? if you want this to work, then my advice to you is, don't fuck it up. it's pretty damn simple. i just need some time to get my mind right. this isn't rocket science. why are you always so damn dramatic??? g's... ;)
i obviously wanna see you, and hang out with you, so we agree on something, right? and when the hell are you gonna drive down here for a change??"

BJ:

"LoL ok I wont fuck it up as you say and I promise I will drive down there as soon as I get my money back. I was extremely irresponsible this month. So when you coming to visit?"

So that's pretty much it. Hopefully we've worked out those kinks. Although I'm still a little unnerved by the fact that he's "giving me 2 months". Who does that!??? Why can't he just let things take their natural course?? But anyways, I switched shifts with somebody so that I can be off Tuesday and Wednesday instead of today and Wednesday, and now I can go visit him for 2 days instead of 1. Plus, it's gonna be really good money tonight since it's St. Patty's Day!!
Except now I gotta run out and find something green to wear!

Demetri Of The Day:
My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, “That burrito did not agree with me.” I was like, “Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.” “I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, 'I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.'”

Emotional Baggage

BJ did end up calling me today. Actually, it was while I was still at Starbucks! Although I was there for 3 hours editing photos from the shoot I did with Alyssa on Tuesday. Anyways! He called from his Dad's cell; he's staying with him for the rest of the weekend. We talked for a bit, caught up, etc. Apparently, he didn't have the greatest time in Florida. Lol. He got 2 tickets, and came back 2 days early. Hahaha. I told him that's what happens when you hang out with people who are underage all spring break.


Well, lucky for me, before I got lulled into a sense of security, BJ and I became myspace friends today. Probably a bad idea. I saw 2 wall posts from his most recent ex, who just happens to reside in Florida. Why did that never occur to me before today!?? Ugh. Anyways, he left her a comment first. Here is their conversation:


March 14, 4:27PM
XGF: you have my id ):


March 15, 4:35AM
BJ: Yes and I also have your hoodie. I just got back to Huntsville so I will probably ship them both out on Monday. Love You.


March 15, 11:45AM
XGF: um, how about you just bring them to me instead (; love you back.


He hasn't writeen her back...yet...UGH. So, I dunno if that was a friendly "I love you" on his part, like you know, an "I really care about you but I'm not in love with you I love you", or like an actual "I LOVE YOU". But I have no doubt how she meant it! And it's pretty much driving me insane.


And I really wanted to call him and talk to him about it but his stupid phone is still shut off!! So, I did the next best thing. I wrote him a message. Here it is.


"i would have just called you and talked to you about this on the phone, but its 2:45 in the morning, and you're at your dads without a cell phone so... i have a lot of shit i need to get off my chest and i need to say it now before i lose my thunder.
basically, i'm not saying this to be bitchy, or start shit, or whatever, but if you have unresolved shit with other girls, lingering feelings, possibilities of getting back together, or ANY of that baggage, please don't get me involved. i have literally sat here all week while you were gone, thinking about this situation with you and i, and considering the possibility that, i dunno, maybe we could work. but for that to happen i'm gonna need full disclosure from you. we have too much history, and shit under the rug for me to be doing guess work.
i know you were in florida, which is, coincidentally where your ex lives, so if something happened there, and you're having second thoughts about me, fine. just tell me. please don't lead me into a false sense of security with you. i'm NOT accusing you of anything, it's just, like i said, too much shit in the past for me to be drawing my own conclusions. i'm the type of person who always gives people the benefit of the doubt, and that's usually what fucks me in the end. i just need you to be honest with me, and don't fuck around. i seriously don't play games, and i feel like i've known you long enough to tell you, very bluntly, what's on my mind. so here it is.
and if i am way out in left field, tell me. this isn't me, fishing for compliments, or being insecure. this is me, wondering what is going on on your end. so don't feel like you have to tell me what you think i wanna hear.
i'm not gonna compete with a gorgeous girl that you happen to have serious history with. in fact, i'm not gonna compete with anyone. so please, just tell me what you want. whether or not the truth is pleasant, it will still set my mind at ease just to know what's going on with you.
that is all.
have a good night.

late."

That's what I sent him. And yes, his ex is gorgeous. ((sigh)) Oh, and I don't use capitalization in myspace messages. Heh... I hate this! Why does everything involving guys have to be so...dramatic!? I mean, I obviously like him, and I thought he liked me...but maybe I was wrong? Maybe he was just looking for another distraction.

Demetri Of The Day:
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.

Greetings From Starbucks!

Sorry it's been so long! I did end up hearing from BJ the day after I posted my last blog. He basically told me he was "being good" and not to worry. Lol. But then the next day, his phone got shut off and I didn't hear from him for the rest of the week...until yesterday. He posted a comment on my Facebook that basically said he's heading home and that he hopes to see me this week. So we'll see...

Tonight is Todd's birthday celebration! I'm excited. We're gonna swim and hang out and drink and eat. You know, fun stuff! We may go out later, who knows... And!! I asked him to go to my cousin's wedding with me at the end of this month. He said he doesn't know yet, he has to check his schedule, but he'll definitely will go with me if he's available. After what happened with Austin, I won't go to another wedding with a potential boyfriend! It's bad luck. Which is why I asked Todd instead of BJ. And though I wish Todd was a potential boyfriend, he's spoken for, and I respect that. ((sigh))

Cecilia and I hung out the other day. We went to dinner and a movie, and then had a couple cocktails at Bennigan's. It was fun. We haven't been able to spend any time together in a while, and it was good to catch up. We discussed BJ too, of course. She seems to be getting used to the idea of us possibly dating, or...whatever. I wish I could get used to it! It still seems a little odd to me. I dunno...

So I'm in the process of saving up for a new Macbook Air, and so far I've got $1100, but I'm getting so impatient!! I'm typing this at Starbucks right now because my stupid laptop won't connect to the net in my house! So I had to pay 10 bucks to use the web here. It sucks, but it's kinda nice to be out of the house. Saturday's are never a good day to hang out at home cuz both my parents are there, and they usually like to pester me. Plus it's very zen here. Relaxing...

Anyways, I'm kind of just rambling now. Well, I guess I'll write again as soon as I can! I'm supposed to go to Huntsville on Wednesday to go to a party with BJ, but I'm not gonna write him back, or call him or anything till he calls me! But I'll be sure to keep you guys updated!!

This Can't Be Happening!!

Ok, I get that he's in Panama City and all, but he hasn't even called me! Wtf?! I'm not gonna sit around waiting and wondering about a guy who talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk. I dunno what I'm supposed to think. But I am very disgruntled. And one of the guys from the other night is interested in me. Yea! His name is Brad, and he lives in Austin. And he's not bad looking either! But he's also not exactly my type. I dunno even know why this matters. Ugh...I'm just mad. At BJ, and at myself. I told myself I wasn't gonna get too attached to him until I was sure I was making the right move! ((sigh))
He better have a damn good excuse for his behavior after all that shit he told me about how I'm "the most important woman in his life". I also discovered a girl on Facebook, referring to him as her boyfriend, as recently as Valentine's Day. He did point out a girl to me the last time I was in Huntsville that he said hates him for no reason because they "briefly dated" a while back. I wonder what the story is on that.

How pathetic am I?? Stalking him on Facebook just because he's in Florida not thinking about me, and I'm sitting at home wondering what he's doing. Ugh.
I disgust myself.

Demetri Of The Day:
"I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip, and said, “It looks like you’re writing a ransom note… need some help? You should curse more.” The paperclip would be all messed up, you know? I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before. "

Midnight Musings

Omg it's only Sunday and I seriously miss BJ like...a lot!! I mean I can't seem to get him out of my head! It's driving me crazy!!!
He's over there in Miami, partying it up with a buncha frat boys, and who knows how many chicks. And I'm stuck here, working, and getting sick. I think I'm coming down with something bad; my throat is killing me and I'm exhausted. Ugh.

Last night with Bethany was a blast! We met up with a couple of her guy friends, and barhopped. She ended up getting totally wrecked and I had to drive her home. She was puking out the side of the car. Lol. The guy she wanted to set me up with was MIA so I never even got to meet him, but oh well. We ran into Evan at the Drake, and I ended up crashing at his place last night, cuz I was too tired to drive home. I love Evan! He's such an awesome friend!

Saturday was long-time-friend, Todd's birthday. He's 22 now. And he still has a girlfriend! I swear, I'll be waiting for him to break up with her for the rest of my life. Why couldn't I have noticed him a long time ago?? I guess that's just what happens when you're friends with somebody for years and years...((sigh)) But I can be patient. And who knows, maybe there's a more perfect guy out there. The feelings I have for Todd have been in the back of my mind for at least a year now, so I'm sure I can cram them back there for at least a few more.

I just wish BJ would come back so I can see him again. It's so weird, I mean... One week he was completely out of my life, and the next... Well you know the story. I really should be in bed. Lord knows I need to rest. I really shouldn't have gone out last night after waking up with a sore throat. But I wasn't about to pass up a Saturday night out. I usually have to work.

Well...I guess that's all for now. I'm hoping I can stay up till at least 2 because I asked BJ to call me when he got back to the hotel. But he'll probably be wasted, so who knows... Maybe I should just go to bed.

Demetri Of The Day:
“I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary, and that made me laugh because it’s such a…specific item. I don’t know that many words, and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”

I Shouldn't Be Doing This!

Ok, I debated this for a good while before I decided, what the hell!? I'm posting a picture of BJ. Now, it's really close up, and I did some stuff to it in photoshop so that hopefully no one will recognize him. Haha. But I just wanted you all to see how...beautiful he is! He has these long, dark, dark lashes, and expressive eyebrows, and the most beautiful dark eyes. ((sigh))

I took this while he was sleeping, because he wouldn't let me take any when he was awake. Lol.

So here it is! Let me know what ya think!

Old Flame

Sorry I had to go so quickly last time! Hopefully I can get you guys all caught up now.

I've had a lot of time to think about the situation with BJ and I, and I even talked to Cecilia about it. And what I've realized is....I like him. Lol. But I'm afraid to like him because he's not really what I've been looking for. And I'm afraid that it just won't work out between us because of who I am, and who he is, and yet...I can't stay away! We just have undeniable chemistry!
I've gone up to Huntsville to visit him twice now, and we also hung out in The Woodlands once, which is sort of halfway in between. I dunno...I just have a lot of fun with him. And he is a nice guy, but things are just never clear cut and dry with us.
First, there's the situation with he and Cecilia. The other day, I sent her a text about it.

Me: Ok, be TOTALLY honest with me! Does it bother you at all, on a personal level, that me and BJ are...whatever we are?

Cecilia: U just do what u want to do

Me: I am, but that's not an answer!

Cecilia: I don't know. I guess part of me is a little jealous or weirded out or something. But I mean, I really have no right to be upset about it.

Me: No I understand. That's exactly how I felt when you and BJ were talking. This whole situation with the 3 of us is just so beyond effed up.

Cecilia: Well do u LIKE him, as in u could see this goin' somewhere, or are u just messing with him?

Me: I honestly don't know at this point. I know I don't WANT to like him! But I'm still trying to figure it out before things get too crazy.

Cecilia: This is just so weird. I never thought we would be back here to this again! Stupid BJ!

Me: Yea, me neither. But at least this time we know how to handle it and it won't affect our friendship.

She agreed. Our friendship definitely took a pretty big hit last time. What a mess! Anyways, I'm still keeping my options open, because I still don't totally trust him. Especially since he's in Florida for spring break with his friends right now. And I hate myself for admitting this, but I actually miss him! Ugh...

MOVING ON!

I'm actually off tonight, so Bethany and I are hittin' the town. I'm super stoked! She and I haven't hung out in a while, and we both got superhot new dresses to wear! I can't wait.
Melissa has been kind of giving me a guilt trip because I'm not going out with her and the girls tonight, but I almost feel like I've been neglecting my other friends! Ya know? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Melissa! She's one of my besties, but I can't just spend alllll my nights off going out with her. I need to hang with Jenna, and Alyssa, and Bethany, and my other friends too. And it's hard to hang out with everyone all together, because they don't all know each other, and then I'm trying to split my attention 4 ways... You get the picture.
So it's Bethany and I tonight! And she keeps telling me she has this "hot friend" she wants to set me up with. I told her about BJ, but she agrees I should keep my options open, and there's no harm in meeting the guy. He'll be out with our group tonight.

As for FB, he's in Lubbock for spring break, and we haven't talked in a couple weeks. Unless you count the exchanged pleasantries on Facebook. I don't.
Jake The Door Guy? Totally out of the picture. He's just BAD. NEWS. And I'm glad I went with my gut on that one.

I went to the Rodeo Cookoff with Blinn, Valerie, Nick, and his friend Crystal. We had so much fun!! We drank lots of beer, rode carnival rides, played games and it was just loads of good clean fun! But then I noticed Blinn and Crystal getting cozy on the bus, and I was actually jealous!! Yea, weird right? But this was before the whole BJ situation so I haven't given it much thought since then. But, Nick did confess his undying love for me in his drunken stupor. Well not exactly undying love, but he admitted he's had a thing for me for a while. Obviously, he knows I don't return those feelings, and luckily, it hasn't been weird or affected our friendship at all, so that's good.

I'm trying to think if there's anything else important that's happened in the past couple weeks...
I hope I didn't leave anything out!
I guess I'll just tell you all about it later if I think of anything else.

TTFN!

Demetri Of The Day:
"I saw a sign that said "Watch For Children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade. Especially if they're crappy kids.'"

The Beginning

Ok, I'm gonna try and write a little, but I don't have much time, so here goes.

When I was in high school, I was good friends with a guy named BJ. At one point, I developed a huge crush on him, but he ended up having a thing for one of my best friends, so nothing ever came of it.
However, we stayed friends, and after high school, he joined the air force, and we kept in touch while he was gone. We actually became even closer friends. Then one year, he came home and I was still interested in him, but not sure if we even had a chance, especially considering his military situation. At my 19th birthday party, which he came to, I kissed some stupid boy, in my drunken stupor, and he got mad. Apparently, he had feelings for me too, but had never told me. So instead, he got jealous and started talking to Cecilia just to piss me off. Yea, my best friend Cecilia. Well they ended up talking/dating...whatever, and I was insanely jealous.
But it all ended up blowing up in a really messy way, BJ and Cecilia stopped talking, and BJ and I stopped being friends. We didn't even speak to each other for about 3 years.

Then just the other day, I was reading through one of my old journals and found an entry I had written about him. And in a moment of nostalgia, I missed him! The late night phone calls, the letters I wrote him while he was in Iraq, our inside jokes...it all just came flooding back to me. So I looked him up on myspace and wrote him a message.
I basically just said, "Hey, I know we've had our differences, but we used to be really good friends, and I just thought I'd drop you a line and see how you were doing."
Well then, he ended up calling me, and we got to talking...
He's out of the air force and all that, and he's in Hunstville now, finishing up school. So I randomly decided to take a trip up to visit him. Actually, I was already at my aunt's house in The Woodlands, so I wasn't too far away.
Well, we hung out, talked about stuff, and everything that went down, yada yada...
And we kissed! Finally! It was so...I dunno. I can't even explain it. I mean we have soooo much history, it's almost scary.
And he told me all this stuff about how I was always the girl for him, and always his first choice. And he said he used to be in love with me, and that I have always been the most important girl in his life, and that I would always have a special place in his heart.
And as sweet as it all sounds, I have a hard time trusting him because of what happened with him and Cecilia, and all the stupid immature shit he and I said to each other in the course of that whole blow out...
Ugh.
It was pretty ugly. But I'm trying to be open-minded about it all. The other thing is, he point-blank told me he wants to be in a relationship with me. And I dunno if I'm ready for that. And, at the risk of sounding totally shallow, the other thing is, he's short! And I hate that. I'm just not sure if I'm really into him, or if I'm just living some unfullfilled high school dream. In which case, I know it will get old pretty fast. And I'd like to think he and I have repaired our friendship, but now that we're in this situation, I can see things easily going south pretty quickly if I fuck this up. So now I just don't know what do to!
And of course, I had to tell Cecilia about us kissing, and she freaked out. I mean she's freakin' married! But apparently she still drunk dials him now and then. Not cool. Which I told her.

Ok, I'm at the computer lab at BJ's school, and he's coming back so I gotta go!
I'll finish later!! I PROMISE.

Sorry it's been so long! Life is just crazy right now, but I promise to write ASAP! I have major dish, so check back soon!

-Peyton