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Friday, March 28, 2008

The Breakup

After Emma picked me up from my accident, and things were so weird, I got to thinking. And it just made me sad that our friendship has been reduced to what it is now. So I wrote her an email. I'll paste them all.

Me:
Hey...
So um...I can't help but thinking lately, that I'm really sad we aren't such good friends anymore. I mean I guess it's sort of normal for people to grow apart over the years. I just never expected that to happen to us. And I'd really like it if we could hang out, just the 2 of us and catch up. I guess for a while I was just starting to feel like you only called me, or wanted to hang out when it was convenient for you, or if you needed something. And whenever I would come to visit, you would hang out with Dave (the boyfriend) more than you would with me. So I got frustrated and stopped really trying. But I should have just talked to you about it. Anyway...I'm not trying to get all dramatic or emo on you or anything. I just wanted to let you know, that no matter what happens, or how much time goes by, I will always love you like a sister, and if you ever need anything AT ALL, I will always be there for you if you need me. So...I dunno. I just hope that you know that.
okbye.

Emma:
Um...I think this is the email that I should have sent YOU...and yes, our friendship does suck really bad these days. I don't want to get all "emo" on you either, but um...it like...REALLY hurt my feelings that you can't take a day out of your busy schedule to come see ME in huntsville even though I've asked you to come see me a million times, but you just...drive up here on a whim for BJ. Just...in the middle of the week, he calls you and you just...get in your car and drive up here. And you couldn't even find the time to stop by and say hi or something...you know where I live and it's practically on the way for you. So i just figured we weren't friends anymore. BTW, do you notice that every...I dunno...year or so we go through this? ie. you write me an email about us growing apart, and then I get excited, thinking you want to be friends again...and that's it. We never follow it up. But I guess what I'm trying to say is....yea, I'd love to hang out too. Okbye.
Emma

Me:
well i DID wanna hang out with you! i had been trying and trying to call you, and you never answered the phone, or returned my calls! and the reason i went up to visit bj, i mean besides the obvious, is because i knew he would actually HANG OUT with me! every time i go up there, we make all these plans, but in the end its just me, sitting in your living room watching you and dave snogging! and i mean, i know you're busy with school and everything, but it's like...you rarely even call and tell me when you're in pearland. i always hear it from my mom. so i just assume you don't wanna hang out. and even when you came to my bar, and you didn't let me know you were coming, i just...ran into you. and i felt like you hated my friends...i dunno. i guess we just have a lot of underlying issues we need to work out. so do me a favor. tell me EVERYTHING that's bothering you. like, seriously, because i think we just need to put everything out there.
Emma:
ok.
1. I DID used to call u and leave a voicemail, or text u, letting u know I was coming to pearland. I guess....you didn't get those messages or forgot or...I dunno. SO eventually I stopped calling. But I really did call...quite a bit.
2. U say you've been trying to call me lately...well u called like...twice. That's really not that much. And the reason I didn't return your calls is b/c I figured I would never get a hold of you anyways. For explanation, refer to #1.
3. It's been so long since you actually DID come visit me, that I don't even remember what went on. It was at least over year ago. And honestly, I don't remember not paying attention to you. I'm surprised you feel that way; I didn't know you had a problem w/ David being around when you were visiting. Other than that, I didn't know you had a bad time at my house...I guess I should've been more entertaining. But the truth is, it's been so long since I've even hung out w/ a girlfriend, that I don't even know what it is that we're supposed to do for fun. And I had a good time when u were here...I guess it wasn't mutual.
4. I do have a problem w/ your new friends. It's more of a comfort issue than anything. We've talked about this b4 and it boils down to the same issues. They were the people I hated even walking past in high school b/c they were mean to me and made fun of me. Just sitting near them in class made my stomach knot up for fear they would pick on me. And I still have a problem w/ that, and they make me uncomfortable and...pissed off. And there's no reason for me to want to hang out w/ them voluntarily now. So I don't really want to hang out w/ u when you're w/ them. I don't think that's ever going to change. Now your argument is: why don't u just give them a chance? And I would say: because they wouldn't give me a chance in high school. And you would say, why don't u just forgive and forget? And I would say, b/c I'm hard headed. So I guess it's an "impasse".

Me:
1. Me not answering the phone, or whatever back then had nothing to do with me not wanting to talk to you. It has to do with me being busy. And these days, I'm still busy, but i'm not in school anymore, and I don't work as long of shifts as I used to, so I have more time. And if you wanted to call and talk then I would definitely make time to talk to you.
2. No matter how many times i did or didn't call you in the recent past, the point is that I did. I reached out to you, and it felt like you didn't reach back. No matter what you thought about whether I would answer or not, you still could have called me back. I really did wanna see you.
3. I WOULD have fun with you in Huntsville, and I have no beef with Dave. It's just...awkward when I'm sitting there, ALWAYS the third wheel, and you're like sitting on his lap, talking to him in baby voices, and making out. And it's not like you have to plan some big huge display or whatever to hang out with me. We can just...go riding, or go eat, or play harry potter games or whatever! just...enjoy each other's company! that's all!
4. As for my friends, I take issue with this because A) i'm not asking you to hang out with them. B) the only person I'm really friends with that we went to HS with is Melissa. And I know for a fact that she never made fun of me. Some of her friends in HS may have, but I don't talk to them. Melissa is just...really outgoing and friendly to EVERYONE. and she was nice to you at my bar, and you pretty much snubbed her, which hurt her feelings. Im not gonna lie, I love Melissa to death, and she has been nothing but an awesome friend, so there's no reason for me to dislike her by association. And you dont have to hang out with her, or even like her. I don't care about that. It's OUR friendship that matters right now.
It just seems like in the past, you have NEVER liked any of my friends that weren't mutual. Aka, Cecilia, and Alyssa. So anytime I was hanging out with a group, I always felt like I would have to go out of my way to make sure you were comfortable or happy, or whatever, because you would act all...weird around them. I'm a pretty good judge of character Emma. i know which friends to keep, and which ones to let go. Which is why we're having this conversation right now!
Here's my thing. You need to be more open minded, or at least more accepting. Don't punish me for other people's crimes. Who I choose to hang out with when you're not around should not affect OUR friendship, because we have been friends forever, and I hope it will stay that way. I would always hang out with you and your friends and I'm always nice to everyone.
This is how it looks to me:You are refusing to let go of this high school grudge against these people who never really did anything, other than not acknowledge you. In every high school there are cliques, and we were part of one too. Certain cliques just don't mix by principle. It's stupid, I know, but most people get out of high school and realize these things, and move on, and assimilate. The fact of the matter is, you don't even KNOW these people! And i'm pretty sure none of them have a problem with you. And that's why it seems a little ridiculous to me. But...ya know, you're gonna do whatever you wanna do. I just feel like you're acting like I've "sold out" or something. But that's not the case. And me being friends with other people, doesn't mean i'm NOT going to be friends with you.

Emma:
Ok well. there's lots of things i wanna say in reply, but I don't feel like sitting here for hours. So here's the main points.I feel like for the past....I dunno 5 years, I've been the one reaching to YOU and I feel more than snubbed. But you're right. I'm wrong. I've been a horrible friend to you, always calling you only when I needed something, I'm closed-minded, and rude to your friends. Seriously...I just hope that the next time we meet...whenever that may be (couple of months, or years) we can at least remain friends based on the fact that at one point in the past, we were everything each other had.

Me:
Emma...come on. I wasn't trying to bitch you out. I was just telling you how I feel. And I want you to do the same. We are both equally at fault for the way things are. I just don't want us to continue being passive aggressive about this. I just want us to be friends again. That's all. :/

Emma: Well...if you think that writing me a couple of email is going to magically make us bff's again...you're wrong...

Emma: I'm pretty disappointed in the turn our friendship has taken in the past couple of years. And maybe that has a lot to do w/ the fact that I seem to resent your friends. Because I feel like you've repeatedly chosen them over me. And at one point, that used to hurt my feelings. But now i'm just...I dunno I can't even explain it. I'm still mad, but I guess it's been so long that it doesn't really bother me anymore. So now I'm just bitter. I honestly don't know if we're ever going to be normal friends again. BTW, I didn't even think you noticed or cared that we're not friends anymore. I'm quite surprised that you did.

Me: When have I ever chosen any1 over you?? I would always try to include you! And I don't understand WHY you resent me or my friends. There have been lots of instances where I've felt like you didn't really care about me, or times when I needed you, but you didn't notice. And now I'm trying to mend things and you just wanna take stabs at me and my friends that you seem to hate so much. ((sigh)) You know what? Fine. If you don't want to be friends, there's obviously nothing I can do about it. But let it go down in the books that I obviously DID notice and DO care, or I wouldn't have bothered to write you in the first place.

Emma:
Ok now this is getting completely ridiculous. Please answer me this:When have I not cared about you? All those times I called u like an idiot and u never answered? Or are u referring to the fact that I am now almost failing my Mktg. class because I came to get u from Wendy's that is 300 yards from my classroom when u wrecked your car? You're right, I'm a horrible friend. Or wait, what about the time that I freakin' took care of your horse for like 2 months and you never ONCE came to see me, or ride with me. Not freakin' once. Were you being "passive aggressive" then? And also, when have I ever only called you when I needed something? I've never even asked you for a favor...give me just one instance when I've asked you for anything else besides your friendship. I don't understand why you're acting like you're the victim here!! You're the one who's changed so much I barely recognize you. I've been here this whole time, the same Emma you've always known, sitting here wondering how my best friend just dumped me over the years. I simply quit trying because I wasn't getting anything from you in response. I wasn't being "passive aggressive", I just got the hint. I figured I just wasn't "cool" enough or "fun" enough for you to want to hang out w/ me anymore. Which is fine, I'm completely over it now and it doesn't bother me. But it did at one point. And I'm still holding a grudge and like I said, a freakin' email isn't going to fix a damn thing.So...to make a long story short, if you want to be friends again, I might accept really, really sincere apology. Might. I still don't even know if we could even start over, it might be too weird. And if you're not capable of an apology, then fine...and because it means so much to you, I'll be sure and remember the fact that you were the one break our 3-year silence, not me. Kudos to you...
Emma:
And no more emails. If you have anything else to tell me, please call me, or text me, or just come over in person. Since you're here all the time now.


Needless to say I'm really upset about this. Not only because we used to be like sisters, but because I don't understand where all this is coming from, or how I'm supposed to shoulder all the blame! I was just trying to talk to her, and she's being a total bitch to me!! I mean...please, tell me I'm not insane!
I just don't know what to do know, and my feelings are really hurt. And obviously, I'm not going to send her another message. At this point, I really am considering just showing up at her house.
((sigh))

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Although i think you may have thought you were just talking, you actually did sound like you were placing the blame a bit. I kind of took the same way she did.

K said...

So do it. Show up at her house and talk, yell, scream... whatever. Because obviously she sees things way differently than you do. And yeah, you did sound like you were placing some blame on her. But that's only because the two of you see the past 3 yrs. differently... which is why you need to talk and try to work it out.

Anonymous said...

i will have to agree with the two others, i think you two see the past differently and you need a serious talk! you obviously dont want to lose each other therefore you should do whatever it takes to show her you care about your relationship. go to her house but dont go when your in town because you were going to see bj, plan a trip just to go see her. btw i do have to agree that i think both of you were kind of placing the blame on the other and were kind of rude in the emails...
good luck and hope everything will get better!

laurie S said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
laurie S said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Peyton said...

To Laurie:
first of all, that is definitely not my myspace page. And whoever's it is, I feel really sorry for her, and I am going to delete the comment just to spare the poor girl from being bombarded.
second of all, for the those of you who do enjoy reading my blog, i'm sure you all know that i appreciate some degree of privacy and anonimity, which is why nobody KNOWS my myspace info, etc. so, had that really been MY myspace page, i would have already deleted my entire blog.
so, please don't punish those people who enjoy reading. and don't punish me either! because i enjoy writing!
stop trying to figure out who i am.

Anonymous said...

yay, im glad you deleted that post. i know in some past posts people were getting mad that you deleted posts or whatever, but im glad you did here!
so thats really good of you.
as for the blog, i think you should plan a trip for just for emma there! adn if you cant discuss you feelings or agree on 'who was to blame', maybe you can just agree to forget. not necessarily forgive and forget (that would be good if you guys could) but try to move on.
good luck!

Anonymous said...

if u read the essence of the emails, you're both saying that ur friendships is important to u both and that u both feel like u've tried without getting a response. Take that as a huge positive that u want to remain friends, and go see her, have a chat, and give it another chance, both trying and looking at it from each other's viewpoint. Try to put urself in the other's shoes and see if u would have responded the same way, and if not, try to understand the differences in ur personalities that made the other person act that way... Forgive, try again, make or break

Xee

Anonymous said...

omg im sooooooooooooo glad you deleted that........i was afraid you WERE going to delete the blog

Kate said...

You both have made mistakes. Seems like you both have done stupid "passive aggressive" things to each other. This conversation is best left for in person, I would go to visit her and see if you can resolve things. But be open-minded, it seems like you did some stuff a few years back that has upset her. She said you ignored her calls when you were in school... that sucks, being "busy" is not an excuse for ignoring somone. Bascially you started the ignoring calls business and she continued it. Maybe she feels like sloppy seconds, that you prefer your other friends to her. She feels that way for a reason, and just be open-minded to the fact that you dones some wrong things. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

i agree that you both are at fault for the end of the friendship, but at least you realized it (We are both equally at fault for the way things are. I just don't want us to continue being passive aggressive about this). That's a huge step in it right there. And good for you for making the first move to get it out in the open. As much as people can say that e-mail is the wrong way to do it, most of them would probably have done the same thing. the hard thing with electronics though is that you can't get the tone of how someone is actually saying something.

i think that the conversation did get a little bitchier and blame was put on both people unnecessarily, but that would happen in person. the truth of the matter is that you guys were once friends and you grew apart. it doesn't matter if either one of you did it on purpose, it's going to hurt both sides. i just went through it with a friend i had for a few years.

you just have to remember that it's for the best. it sounds like the problems you had with her make it so your life would be a lot easier not worrying about her.

people change and times change.
there's really nothing you can do about it.

cherish the time you had with her as a friend and look forward to what will come in the future.

Beautifully Broken said...

A case of miscommunication. Both of you thought pretty much the same thing about the other, but were unable to successfully relate that to the other. I think you should go and talk it out, but don't force it if it is beyond resolve, that could just make it worse in the long run.

Remember, people change and that causes relationships to change. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. But when it comes to a best friend the breakup is often worse than with an actual boyfriend. Good luck here.

Anonymous said...

Email is never a good way to mend a fence. Perception is a huge part of email, and if one of you perceives an attitude from the other then nothing is solved.

You came off a little snotty and blaming in your emails. I really don't blame emma for not being super-receptive.

It sounds to me like you owe it to her to go down there and make an effort. It doesn't seem that you've made much of one in the past.

good luck.

Anonymous said...

Email is never a good way to mend a fence. Perception is a huge part of email, and if one of you perceives an attitude from the other then nothing is solved.

You came off a little snotty and blaming in your emails. I really don't blame emma for not being super-receptive.

It sounds to me like you owe it to her to go down there and make an effort. It doesn't seem that you've made much of one in the past.

good luck.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Emma. Also, I strongly recommend you not have conversations like this over email. So much is lost when we can't HEAR what people are saying. And its also good to have them face to face if possible so you can see expression, etc. Having it over email just means you can read one sentence completely differently than how it was meant.

It sounds like this one relationship that is just ready to cycle out. Unless you sit down and talk it out...but emailing isn't the way to go in this situation.