Good Morning!

Ohhhhhmygod!
Best. Morning. Ever!
Brandon spent the night.
Wild sex last night.
I woke up lying in his arms with him rubbing my back. Then he got out of bed and disappeared for a while. I was asleep though, so I had no idea how long he was gone. He went and picked up breakfast! Which he brought to me in bed. Then we had some more wild sex.
Then he had to go, cuz both of us had a lot of errands to run today. He kissed me goodbye, and it was so...boyfriend-like! I mean, not like an awkward peck on the lips, but a confident, passionate kiss. It was like a..."Bye Babe, see you later" kiss. And when he left, I sat there in bed just smiling because...I knew I was gonna see him later. :)
And it gets better.
When I finally emerged from my bedroom, my living room was spotless! Candles were lit on the coffee table, all the clutter and boxes were gone... He totally cleaned my apartment!! And, he stopped at Chic-Fil-A and got me a gallon of sweet tea - my favorite. I found that in my fridge like just now.
I sent him a thank you text as soon as I saw it, and he said it was "no big deal".
:) :) :)
And that's just today!!
Yesterday we spent the whole day together. We went to Ikea so I could get some more picture frames, then he took me out to a really nice Italian restaurant. We ate pasta and drank wine. Ahhh... Then we went back to my place and he helped me carry everything inside. ((sigh))
I'm so...I don't even know how I feel about this! I mean obviously I'm extremely happy! But I'm afraid to get too comfortable. Like with Daniel... I thought nothing could go wrong and then...everything went wrong and I totally got my heart broken.
So, I'm still trying to be cautious. And I really do like this guy. It's not just that I want a boyfriend, it's not just that I like the idea of having a guy around, it's just that I really do like him. A lot. More and more every day! I can't get enough of him!
((Sigh)) Ok enough gushing.
Today is Halloween. Bittersweet. On the one hand, costumes are a pain in the ass, and I don't get to party, but on the other hand, tonight should be really good money. And I'm already in a great mood since Brandon made my morning so awesome! And I finally got my costume today. Lol. I'm gonna be a fairy. I figured it'll go with my blue hair, and I have tons of glitter I can just put all over myself so...easy enough. I have to start getting ready in like 30 minutes.
Well, I hope everyone has a fun and safe Halloween!

Back In The Picture

On Sunday Brandon got in from Florida around 2am. And he came over!!
We had another deliciously wild night, complete with cuddling. :)
There's just something about the way he pulls me close and puts his arm around me... And he's so warm, and his skin is so soft, but his muscles are so hard, and it's just so damn sexy... ((drool))
Anyways, on Sunday during the day, I went with Bethany to a photoshoot for a website. It was so awesome! Obviously we didn't tell anyone there that I was a photographer, because we didn't want people to think I was trying to steal anyone's ideas. But it was good because I got to check out her equipment, and see how she uses it and stuff. So I now I have a much better idea of what kind of lighting I need, etc... And that's definitely the next big thing on my list of things I absolutely have to have! I can't wait to get lights and backdrops and start shooting again! It's gonna be awesome.
Oh, and Bethany is now the new face of a superchic vintage website. She looks totally fab.
Yesterday I went to Ikea and finally bought a stand for my ancient 2-ton television. With all the flat panels these days, it's become almost impossible to find an entertainment center that will support the weight of my TV! Lol. But I got a nice one with lots of storage for under $200!! My living room is finally starting to look like a living room! Now I just have to put up my DVD stands and paint. That's next on my list for this week. I need to pick up some special screws from the hardware store, and pick out the perfect shade of green.
Brandon came over again last night and helped me with my TV. :D
He was looking through my DVD collection, and he hasn't seen over half of them! But he doesn't watch a lot of TV, or so he claims. I, on the other hand, am a DVD collector. I never rent. Hehe. So my collection is huge.
I still haven't gotten, or even looked for a Halloween costume. Ugh. But I think I'm going to be Kelly from the "Shoes" video on youtube. Lol. Because I already have that shirt from the "Let Me Borrow That Top" video (Sophie got it for me for Christmas last year, lol) and I have some striped tights. So really all I need is a blond wig and some black framed glasses. Lol. And then I won't have to be slutty! HA!
I am, to my dismay, off again this Thursday. I don't know why they gave me the night off, cuz I need the money! So I'm desperately trying to pick up a shift. Brandon is working the whole weekend, so that should be interesting. It'll be our first time working together since...you know...
We both agreed we don't want things at work to be awkward, or weird, and we're not telling people either. The only person that knows is Bethany, and probably Tug, and Summer. But I don't even know if he's told Summer that we're sleeping together. Sooo, hopefully word doesn't get out.
I still wonder about John every once in a while... Why we can't even seem to get it right. Maybe he doesn't really like me that much. Maybe it's just sexual chemistry. Maybe it's just the whole "what if" scenario that's got me curious. I dunno. But I'm not that concerned about it anymore, I mean...what's the point? Things with Brandon and I are going great so far, we have lots of fun together, and he calls me almost every day. So I think this is a good thing. Only time will tell...

I Am...

I am...



Sarcastic

Funny

Genuine

Confused

Goofy

Tall

Witty

Smart

Trusting

Silly

Brunnette

Uninhibited

Outgoing

Strong

Curvy

Unique

Loud

Crazy

Intellectual

Musical

Aware

Unusual

Quirky

Beautiful

Confident

Afraid

Dependent

Uncertain

I Miss You

Dude...has anyone seen that new Beyonce video "If I Was A Boy"?? It's SO freakin' good! And I don't even like Beyonce! I mean really, every time she comes on the radio, I change the station! But that video is just so true...
Anyways, that was just a little tidbit that was on my mind.

So, it seems that I have the worst luck ever when it comes to dating. When I woke up this morning, I had a text from Brandon, explaining that all day yesterday, he thought it was Tuesday. Therefore he thought today was Wednesday, up until this morning that is. But since today was actually Thursday, he couldn't make our date, because he had to leave for Florida right after work. ((sigh))
I mean I knew he had a trip to Florida coming up. He's mentioned it a couple times, but I forgot about it. And I was really bummed that we couldn't go out tonight. I ended up staying home, watching my DVR and cleaning my apartment. I figured I may as well stay in and save some money. I have some stuff coming up in November and January that I'm gonna need to save money for so...yea. My night was lame.
And what sucks even more is all I've been doing is thinking about Brandon! I actually miss him! What is wrong with me?! I mean I was really hoping that after dinner he'd come over and hopefully spend the night. I really enjoyed cuddling with him. :)
G's I'm so pathetic. This is exactly how it always starts: with me setting myself up for disappointment. I shouldn't expect these things. You'd think I would have learned by now.
Well, at least he comes back Sunday, and I'm off that day, so maybe I'll get to see him. But I won't plan on it.

I talked to my mom on the phone today. She and my dad and a couple of their friends just hopped a cruise ship to Hawaii. It was their 25th wedding anniversary last month. So I won't be able to talk to my parents for 4 days till they get there. It's so weird, cuz I actually miss my mom! I mean not that I don't ever miss her, it's just that they just left! And it's not like I see her everyday anyways, so I dunno why I miss her so much now. I guess it's because I'm worried about her, and we talk on the phone at least every other day these days. Her birthday was on Tuesday. I got her a really sappy card and a charm for her bracelet; it was the awareness ribbon. She really liked it.
When I talked to her on the phone today she started crying. Her hair is just starting to fall out. They said it would after 18 days. And they gave her 2 doses of Taxol (chemo drugs) before she left, to make up for the week she's gonna have to miss, so she's been feeling a little sick. ((sigh)) It really just breaks my heart that my mom is going through all this. I tried to cheer her up on the phone. I've always been good at that. My mom thinks I'm the funniest person alive. Lol. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am pretty damn funny, but you know how moms are... So I told her to keep her spirits up and relax, and slap that wig on and have a good time. Haha.
I'm sure my parents will have fun. They never get to do fun, exciting stuff like this. And the timing couldn't be more perfect. It's exactly what my mom needs right now.

Well...I guess I'm gonna go read in bed till I fall asleep. Taryn and I are supposed to go shop for Halloween costumes tomorrow. Ugh...
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Halloween???

Go Ahead And Judge...

I had a long talk with Sophie about the Todd situation. She says that Todd has never really been a go-getter when it comes to girls. I mean his last girlfriend's mom set them up, and it took him months to even gather up the courage to talk to the girlfriend he had before her. So she said that I'm definitely gonna have to make the first move. She suggested that I just wait till the next time he's in town, and ask him out on a date. She also said it'll probably be awkward at first, but that's just a risk I'm gonna have to take.
And as it turns out, I talked to Todd yesterday, and he said that he'll probably be coming into town the Saturday after Halloween, just for the night because his brother's birthday is that following Monday. So I just might have an opportunity to see him. He said he'd definitely call me when he got into town, but work is gonna be insane that weekend, so we'll see.

In other news, guess who's back in the picture?
If you guessed Brandon, then you're correct.
Last night after work, I went over to Tipsy to meet up with Bethany and Tug and a couple other coworkers. Well, as it turned out, practically our entire bar, including all 3 managers/owners were there! So it was like a huge work party. We had a blast too! And of course, Brandon was there, since he is now a coworker too. He bought me a couple shots and we hung out a little. His sister Summer was there, and she asked me about us. You know, what was going on and all. She said that he told her he really likes me, and he thinks I'm super cool, but he just doesn't want it to get weird with us working together.
"When did he tell you this?" I asked.
"Just today!" She said.
"Oh...how weird. I seriously thought he just wasn't into me or something."
"No no! Not at all! My brother is just...different than most guys. He's really picky about the girls he talks to, and he takes things really slow." Summer explained.
So that gave me something to think about.
So Brandon and I hung out casually for the rest of the night. I mean, obviously, I didn't wanna give my coworkers any ideas since that's something we are apparently both concerned about.
After the bars closed, a small group of us went over to this guy Sean's house. It was me, Blinn, Brandon, Bethany, Mr. S., and Tug. Sean used to work with Mr. S. and Mr. P. last year before his bar shut down, but I don't really know him.
So anyways, we all went over there and had a few beers before we decided to call it a night. Brandon and Blinn had ridden with me over to Sean's, but Bethany offered to drive Blinn home since I "had my hands full" with Brandon. So Brandon and I drove back over to the shot bar, where his car was parked. But he was definitely too drunk to drive, so I moved his car for him to our work parking lot. Then he came home with me.
We ate sandwiches and then got in bed and started talking. I told him that I talked to his sister, and I asked him to be straight forward with me. And he basically told me the same thing that Summer did. He just didn't want things at work to get weird, and he didn't want me going around telling people he was an ass or something.
"Well why would I tell anyone that? Are you planning on dicking me over or something?"
"No! I just...this is what I mean. I don't want it to get to that point where things are weird."
"Look. If, and when you start bartending, I am going to treat you exactly the same way I treat all the other bartenders. I don't want people at work knowing about my personal business any more than you do. Trust me. I'd rather them not know anything at all. So it's not going to be weird. I'm not that girl. I'm not a drama queen."
"Ok well good then. We're on the same page."

And then we started kissing... And one thing led to another, and before I even knew what was happening, he was undressing me, and I was pulling his shirt off... Omg he has the sexiest chest. I couldn't stop running my hands over it.
Well we had sex.
There. I said it.
And don't bother posting the nasty comments, because I didn't have to tell you we did it! I could have totally left that information out, but I figured you guys would probably like something nasty to read once in a while...
And considering the fact that we were both drunk, it was pretty good sex! I mean, we were both so uninhibited! There was none of that weird awkwardness like when we kissed for the first time. It was just so...natural. I wanted him, he wanted me, and we both went to bed satisfied.
And we cuddled. :)
I mean afterwards, we were both just kind of lying there, panting, and staring at the ceiling and then he said, "Come over here.", and he gestured to his side, and I curled up next to him with one arm around him and it was just so...easy. Comfortable. Nice.
But I'm not gonna lie, I did feel a pang of guilt when Todd popped into my head.
But, distractions, right?? That's what I need, isn't it??
I mean I'm not sure if this whole Brandon thing will last, or even if it will work out at all, but I do know that he makes me happy. At least for now. And apparently, all I can have at the moment is right now.
I'm not talking about Mr. Right Now, I'm talking about living in the moment.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna go sleeping with Joe Schmoe every time I get drunk, I just mean...it felt good to just let go, and give over to my more carnal senses for once, without over analyzing everything. I guess because I've sort of come to the realization that as long as I'm realistic about everything, and as long as I don't get my hopes up too much, I can still be happy, even if I'm not with Mr. Perfect (aka Todd).
And guess what else??
He asked me out on a date! A real date. Tomorrow night. Dinner. 8 pm.
And I'm nervous! Because I mean, it's been so long since I've been on a real date! I think the last real date I had was with Vette Guy. Ugh...
I just don't want it to be awkward. Especially after last night...
((sigh!))
So, I slept with Brandon last night, and I have date with Brandon tomorrow night. Lol. That is a little backasswards, but I'll take it!

Speaking of dates, TDH is still texting me! Today he asked me if he was gonna have to beg. I told him he was more than welcome to beg if he thought that would convince me. Ha!
What a tool. Taryn, one of my friends at work, suggested I make a date with him and then purposely stand him up. I laughed, but I don't think I could really be that mean.

The Dallas Disaster

I ended up having to close Friday night, which was great money-wise, but it also meant I only got 3 hours of sleep before I had to wake up and go pick up Melissa. We made it to Dallas in really good time actually. There was no traffic, and I was speeding most of the way. So we met up with Todd's family first and then went to the tailgate. We ate so much food, it was ridiculous! Finally it was time for the game. We got to watch Todd warm up with his snapper (the guy that throws the ball to him when he kicks). It was awesome! They ended up losing the game, but Todd did really well, and they definitely put up a fight. Seeing him play was amazing. I mean he's so graceful! Lol.

Afterwards, Todd's family left, and we waited for him outside the locker room. There were 2 agents waiting to talk to him as well. A lot of people have been looking at him lately, since it's his senior year. I wonder which NFL team he'll play for.... Anyways, when he finished talking to everyone, he came over said hi, and gave me a hug, and we then we followed him back to his house.

Melissa and I got ready as fast as we could, but by the time we left, it was already 1am. I mean the game didn't end till about 11, and then we had to wait for Todd, so we were already off to a late start. We ended up at some bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not in downtown, which was a little disappointing, because I was hoping to barhop. But we wouldn't have had time anyway... So we took as many shots as we could cram into the hour we had left. Todd, always the responsible one, was driving, so he only had one. The whole time we were there I kept having arguments with myself in my head.

How do I act? Do I flirt? How do I even flirt with him?? Would he even notice?

((sigh)) So I just tried to stay near him at all times. His friends were nice for the most part. All of them were football players, and he introduced me to so many people I couldn't even begin to hope I'd remember all their names. One guy in particular, was extraordinarily obnoxious. I mean Todd warned me that he was "crazy" but I had no idea that meant he would be mentally unstable, socially retarded and chemically imbalanced! First, he grabbed my ass, then he went for my crotch! I mean, standing right in front of me, he goes, "I'm gonna grab your crotch!" and sure enough, he went for it!! Naturally, I slapped his hand away and told him playfully, but seriously, that if he touched me again, I'd punch him in his throat. Todd stepped between us at that point. And he's so huge, he could probably separate 2 mountains if he wanted to. I mean literally, he's 6'6" and in really good shape! It's so weird, cuz I remember when we were in high school, and he was a scrawny 5 feet tall with a squeaky voice. ((sigh)) Those were the days... Anyways, after that, his weird friend walked away.

When the bar closed, we all piled back into Todd's BMW and headed over to a house party. The place was pretty crowded when we got there, and everybody was already pretty loaded. I mean they'd all been drinking since the game ended! There were 3 beer pong tables set up in their garage, and all the boys were in there playing. And of course, when you get a whole football team of twenty-something guys together with beer pong, they're gonna be loud and rowdy.

And this is when things started to get shitty.

Let's do some background real quick. Melissa turned 25 this year. She's 6 months older than I am. And all she ever talks about when in the presence of younger people, is her age. Maybe it's cuz she's short. Maybe it's cuz she still lives at home and doesn't work. Maybe it's cuz she's still going to school. I don't know! But she always feels the need to assert herself by telling people that she's 25, as if it's some kind of exclusive club she just entered. As if anyone cares! And she says it with this air of snotty authority...it's stupid! Every time she does it, I roll my eyes.

"Omg I am so old! I'm twenty-five!"

Ugh.

So as soon as we walk into this party, she starts saying shit about how she can't believe she's at this "college party" with all these "little boys", etc. etc...

About 15 minutes after we get there, someone knocks on the door. One of the players' mom answers it, and it's a disgruntled neighbor, threatening to call the cops if we don't all quiet down. Well since this Mom was the only adult (and I'm not using that term loosely, because technically we were all adults) at the party, she started walking around telling underage drinkers that they should probably head home.

Well Melissa goes up and talks to The Mom and of course, tells her that she's 25, and that she'll help her clear out the minors. So we all go into the garage, where Todd is playing beer pong with 3 other guys. The Mom is yelling for everyone to quiet down, and none of the guys are listening, if they can even hear her over all their noise. One guy in particular, a fat boy with shaggy hair, who was playing beer pong against Todd, is yelling especially loudly. So Melissa starts yelling at him to shut the fuck up and listen to The Mom.

Well the fat kid, in his drunken stupor, doesn't like this and yells at Melissa to shut the fuck up. Then she yells back that he needs to be quiet and listen to The Mom and show some respect.

"Do you fucking live here!?" He screamed, "Fuck you bitch! Do you fucking live here???"

She called him a fat fuck, he called her a whore and a bitch, it went on for about a minute.

Todd and I were just standing there shell-shocked. I mean all I could think was, Omg is this really happening!?

"I wanna leave. Can we please leave now? I don't wanna be here anymore." Melissa says to Todd.

I could tell he didn't wanna go, I mean we'd only been there for about 20 minutes. But since he's Todd, he said of course we could leave. And Melissa immediately walks off. I chased after her through the crowd and out the front door.

"Why are you going outside? It's freezing! We have to wait for Todd." I said.

"Because! I don't wanna be here anymore!" Melissa snapped.

I sighed as she reached Todd's car.

"Ok well don't try to open the door, you might set the alarm off."

"I'm not gonna open the fucking door Peyton, I'm not a retard!"
"Why are you yelling at me!? I'm not the one you're mad at, don't take this out on me!" I said firmly.

"I really don't wanna hear from you right now Peyton! I've already heard enough."

"Well why did you have to say anything to him!? That whole situation could have been avoided if you hadn't started yelling at him to shut the fuck up!" I was starting to lose my cool by this point.

"I don't wanna fucking hear it Peyton! That guy was a fucking dick! He had no right to talk to me like that!" There was a definite bitchy edge to her voice that was raising the hairs on my neck.

"I know that, I'm just saying, none of that would have happened if you hadn't instigated it!"

"Just shutup!" She yelled.

"WHY does drama have to follow me wherever I go!?" I said halfway to myself.

"Oh WHATever! You think you're so much better than everyone! You act like you don't have any drama! But you do! You have just as much as me so you have no room to talk-"

"FINE! Fine." I cut her off.

Todd's roommate, Brendan, approached and we were both silent. He apologized profusely for the fat guy and told us he was ashamed of his friend's actions. I told him not to worry about it, it wasn't his fault, etc...

Todd finally got to the car; he had to say goodbye to some people. When we got in the car, I apologized to Melissa for snapping at her, but she didn't say anything. She just sat in the back seat sniffling. Todd felt so bad about what happened, it was so sweet. ((sigh)) He kept trying to cheer her up, but she just kept shaking her head and saying she didn't care about "that stupid boy". So we went back to Todd's and Melissa went straight upstairs and to bed. A few of Todd's friends came over and they played more beer pong. There were 3 girls there too. I started getting really sleepy, so I sat down on the couch behind the beer pong table to watch. After their game Todd came and sat down. Then one of the girls came over and sat down on the other side of him.
Darn!

The next thing I knew, his arm was around her. My stomach plummeted. And there I was sitting there next to them. How pathetic. I was shocked at how upset this made me. I mean obviously Todd was interested in this girl. So...had he even stopped to consider me in that way?? Maybe he never will... Maybe I'll always just be his "best friend". ((sigh))

"I'm gonna go to bed." I announced.

"Ok!" Todd smiled. "Goodnight Peyton."

The entire night had been a disaster. I trudged up the stairs to Todd's room where Melissa and I were sleeping. She was fast asleep. I went into his humongous bathroom and shut the door so the light wouldn't wake her up. I started to take my makeup off and suddenly I just...started to cry. I don't really know why it all hit me at once like that, but it did. I backed into Todd's closet and shut the door so that I could have a good cry and get it out of my system.

It's like I've been single for so long, and wasting so much time with all these stupid asshole guys, that nobody takes me seriously anymore. Everyone just thinks I'm out to have fun, and I'm just all about the scene and that's it. But I'm not. That's not me. And if anyone should know that, it's Todd. But he can't seem to see me in a romantic light. ((sigh))

He's so...perfect...it's like...I don't know what to do! We've been friends since we were kids. He introduces me as his best friend. But...we have a really deep-rooted friendship, and isn't that the best foundation for a successful relationship? And he really knows me, I mean really knows me. And we understand each other so well, and we have the same ideals, and I have so much respect for him, he's the nicest guy I know! It literally kills me to just let him go. But...I've already told him before that it's crossed my mind, and he's only been single for about 4 weeks, and I don't wanna overwhelm him. But I also don't wanna pass up this opportunity, because who knows when I'll get this chance again! Maybe he just doesn't know how I feel, or maybe...I dunno. I just don't know!

I told Sophie all about it. She thinks I should wait till the next time he's in town and ask him out on a date. She says I'll have to make the first move, because he's never been good about that. I mean, he was set up with his last girlfriend, and he's only ever had 2 serious relationships. But I know he won't be back in Houston for at least 4 weeks, because he has 4 more games. And 4 weeks is a long time to wait!!

So I've been toying with the idea of writing to him. Like an email or something. But I have no idea what to say, or even how to begin.

((Sigh))

TDH stood me up again on Friday. He didn't even call!

Tonight he texted me, "Hey!"

I said, "Don't bother."

"Figured...I'm sorry, late" was his response.

What a dick.

I'm so through with these guys.

I'm just done.

P.S. This is my hair, and believe it or not, it's brown!

So here I am
Looking pretty for you
They come and go
No one else here will do
So I'm dancing alone
Dreaming solo
'Cause your love's the one worth waiting for
It's just like heaven

Exciting Weekend Ahead

I still haven't heard from Brandon. ((Sigh)) So I guess that's it then. One kiss. What gives??
I'm soooo excited about Dallas this weekend! Todd and I have been texting back and forth all day. He told me the story about he and his now ex-girlfriend. Apparently she went nuts and cussed him out and said a bunch of horrible things. He said that right then, he knew it was over. I mean, for real, Todd is the sweetest, most thoughtful and considerate person I've ever met. I don't think I could ever yell at him! Hmmm... But I'm not sure how to go about things with him. I mean we've been friends since we were kids, and I would never wanna wreck that. Plus, to him, and maybe to most people, I'm kind of...all over the place with guys! I mean, it's been almost 2 years since I've had a real relationship. And he's always been the serious relationship type. And believe me, if I could find someone willing to do some hard time with me then maybe I wouldn't still be single! Lol.
OMG Oliver is being SOOOO bad right now! He's acting like a petulant child just because I'm on the computer right now instead of playing with him. He just peed on my floor just to get my attention!!!! I mean I literally just came inside from taking him out to go to the bathroom. And he definitely went potty outside. Ugh. I am so pissed right now!! ((sigh))
Ok, deep breaths. He's in his kennel now in the dark with the door closed. Anyway, I got my hair done today! It has light blue streaks underneath. And it looks awesome! I'm actually going back tomorrow to get some more. I used to have purple hair, did I ever mention that?
Well...I guess that's all for now. OH! I finally have a set date with TDH. We're having lunch tomorrow afternoon. :)

A Tale Of Two Turkeys

So much has happened in 2 days, I dunno if I'll be able to cram it all in!
Ok, first of all, Brandon spent the night Friday and Sunday night! I think I already recapped Friday. Well, nothing happened on Friday anyway so, Sunday!
I had the day off, which was nice, and definitely well deserved. I slept in super late, and then went up to my bar to meet Nick and some coworkers. I called Brandon on my way there, and he said he'd meet up with me when he was done studying.
So we hung out there all day, and then Brandon and I headed back to my place around 12:30am. He'd been acting a little...distant through out the day I noticed. He kept leaving to talk to other people for long periods of time. But that's fine, I mean he's gonna be working with us soon, and it's good for him to get to know people I guess. So we get back to my place and I put on Across The Universe. He pretty much fell asleep, with his head on
my shoulder while we were sitting on the couch. So when the movie ended, I suggested we go to bed.
So when we got in bed, I started to get really impatient, wondering if he was ever going to kiss me. And there he was, laying right next to me, not doing a damn thing! So I started huffing. Lol. And then he asked me what was wrong. And I started giving him shit about how he must be afraid of me or something, and then suddenly, he was kissing me.
Finally!
And it was actually kind of anticlimactic. ((sigh)) I mean, we kissed for a while, and I just kept waiting for that feeling, that first kiss swooning feeling, to hit me....but it never did. :(
And I dunno if it's just because of all the waiting, and the built up anticipation, or if it's just because we don't have chemistry. But it's so frustrating!! GRRRRR!!!
So he left the next day, and I actually haven't seen him since. I mean we've talked, but he had a test this week, and he went into work late on Monday cuz his alarm didn't go off, so he's been studying and going to bed early this week. At least, that's what he's been telling me. And I've been working. And I talked to Melissa about it. She says I always do this. I really like a guy, and I chase him, and I let him chase me, and then as soon as it happens, BAM! I lose interest. And she's sort of right, but I'm not sure if I agree that it's self-sabotage. I mean, if that was the case, he'd at least be calling me still, right??? And I haven't heard from him all day. He used to send me "good morning" text messages. Haven't gotten one of those either. ((sigh)) Oh well. I'm just gonna leave him alone for a while and see what happens.

In other news! Last night, Bethany, and Tug and I went to the Ghostland Observatory show at the new House of Blues! It was AWESOME! We had so much fun! It turned out that a group of our coworkers were there, so we hung out in their booth with them, which had an amazing view, and guess who was there?? John.
The ups and downs with him never seem to end...
So after the show, we all went back to our bar for a couple drinks, and John wasn't there. I figured he'd gone home. Then Bethany, Tug and I went to BW3's for some grub and trivia and ended up staying there for about an hour. When we went back to our bar to close out our tabs there he was! With his bike in tow. Apparently he'd gone home to get his bike or whatever, and when he game back, the rest of the crew was gone. So we were all standing around talking, and he offered me a shot. I said yes, of course, and we went inside. Bethany and Tug went home, and then it was just me and John.
We took a shot, and had a couple drinks and just talked for a while. It was kind of nice actually. Because both of us were sober, unlike every other time we hang out. Then it started pouring down rain! So John moved his bike inside through the back door. I ended up taking him back to my place, since he couldn't drive his bike. Don gave us a lot of shit as we were leaving, saying stupid things like, "Be safe! Use a condom!"
I yelled at him to shutup. When we got back to my apartment, I put on a movie (John wanted to watch 21) and we just made ourselves comfortable in bed. Before long, John was passed out, and my eyes were fighting to stay open. So I turned off the movie and went to sleep. And that was that! Just like last time. No kissing, no cuddling, no touching even! But I knew what to expect this time around, so it wasn't that weird. And I think I might be starting to get over him. All the runaround, the up and downs, the games, the ambiguity... It's gotten old. I just don't wanna do it anymore.
Tall Dark and Handsome still texts me btw... I'm not even really sure why, because he never texts me to make plans! He just asks what I'm doing! That's getting pretty old too. If he doesn't ask me out soon, I'm going to delete his phone number. I think I've just had it up to here with guys who can't make up their minds. I don't want someone who doesn't know what they want! I want a guy who's sure. A guy who's attractive, smart, funny, and nice. Somebody I can be myself with.
And do you know who I just described??

Todd.

Oh, and did I mention that Melissa and I are going to Dallas this weekend to see his game? I'm so excited!!!

Waiting It Out

Brandon and I hung out Wednesday and Thursday night. Thursday, after we went out, we went to IHOP with Bethany and Brandon's roommate, because they had ridden together. Afterwards, he told his roommate to wait while he walked me to my car. I was so sure he was going to kiss me, but it was like he wouldn't come closer to me than 3 feet! And then his stupid roommate pulled around the corner and started honking his horn. ((sigh)) So no kiss. But he did call me when he got home, and we ended up talking on the phone till almost 7am Friday morning!
So Friday night, I had to work, obviously, and Brandon went out with his sister. After work, a couple people were hangin' out, drinking beer, and Brandon calls me. He's at his sister's apartment with Jayme and his roommate and he wants me to come over.
Well, I was sitting at a table outside with John, Mark and Blinn, and they were all talking about going over to Blinn's for drinks and poker. So I was really torn. Brandon? Or John?
AH!
So I told Brandon I was gonna chill for a minute, and finish my beer, and then give him a call in a little bit. So we all walked out to the parking lot after a while, and John asks me if I'm ready for that motorcycle ride.
"Well that depends," I said, "Is is a one way ticket? Are you gonna drive me back here to my car?"
"I can." He said, "Or we can just take a ride around the block and then I can bring you back over here if you want."
"Well if you just wanna get this over with, then sure!" I said teasingly.
"Ok, some other time then." He grinned.
So I walked to my car, and he got on his bike, and we all headed over to Blinn's.
We hung out and drank, smoked a little...the usual. But I couldn't stop thinking about Brandon. ((Sigh)) AND John. John was acting very....elusive. Confusing. He's just so hard to read. And it drives me crazy! I mean, I don't wanna wait around for some guy who's possibly not sure how he feels about me! And even if he is sure of his feelings for me, the least he could do is act on them in some way, shape or form! And not just when he's drunk.
So I decided to duck out early. I called Brandon and asked him if he still wanted to hang out. But he said that everyone had already left, and he was just gonna crash on his sister's couch. So I figured, what the hell! And I invited him over.
When we got to my apartment, he immediately started playing with Oliver. And Oliver loves him! It's so cute how Brandon talks to him. Lol. I swear, it was like I was competing for his attention. Haha. By the time we went to bed, the sun was up, and still no kiss. Not even a suggestive touch! ((huff!)) I was starting to second guess myself!
We laid there and talked for a while, and I was teasing him about being stand-offish. And he said something along the lines of, "I just don't want you to get the wrong impression of me. I like to take my time with people. Not just get in, bang bang! get out. I mean I used to do that, but I'm not like that anymore and I just....don't want you to see me that way. I dunno...I guess I'm just rambling."
We passed out soon afterwards and I woke up this morning not even remembering having made the decision to go to sleep. In fact, the whole time we were talking, all I kept thinking about was how I was just gonna kiss him and get it over with! Break the ice! Ya know? Because I really wanted to! But I never plucked up the courage. Oh well...
So we got up around 2pm, lol, and I made corndogs and we watched Seinfeld. Then I walked him out to his car, because my mom was on her way over. STILL no kiss.

Well my mom and I had plans to go to this wig shop by my house. We got there about 30 minutes before they closed, and she tried on several different wigs. It was really interesting to see her with all these hip hairstyles! Lol, it almost made me wanna try one on!
So I spent the afternoon with my mom; we went the bookstore, and out to dinner after the wig shopping. And almost the entire time, Brandon was texting me.
First I asked him what he wanted me to think of him. You know since he doesn't want me to think he's a manwhore, or a player, but he won't kiss me either! It's like he thinks I'm the plague! Lol.
His response?
"I don't know, but I like to take my time with people. But for your information, I like you and want to see you again."
Me: That's cool, I like to take my time too. Well, I try, but I'm just kind of impatient by nature."
B: Well, you don't always have to be the one that makes all the moves you know. But I'm not going to keep doing this if that is what you think.
Me: Oh really?? Well then what ARE you going to do?
B: I don't know, but I want to see you again. And I left my watch over there, so I guess that means I HAVE to see you again!
B: Maybe I can stay with you tonight??
Me: Sure

That's pretty much the gyst of it. He didn't end up staying tonight though, obviously. I mean it's Saturday and we do inventory and we didn't get out of there till late. I talked to him around 3:30am and he was already in bed. Apparently he has to take some clients out golfing at 9am. Lol. But he told me he's gonna call me when he's done and then we're gonna hang out.
Sunday's are my friend days though. So he's just gonna have to put up with me AND Bethany, cuz we always do Sunday Fundays together.
But we'll just have to wait and see how tomorrow pans out. Maybe one of these days I'll get a kiss.
Before I move on to the next part of this post, let me just describe Brandon to you. He's not as tall as I would like, but he has the most beautiful smile! Big, beautiful, perfectly straight white teeth. ((sigh)) And his hair is kinda long, shaggy and glossy dark brown, almost black. He looks really Native American. He says he's Cherokee. He has the nice olive skin, and high cheekbones too. But he has a very boyish look about him that I like. Anyways, that's pretty much it I suppose. So, moving on!

Melissa and I are taking a road trip to Dallas to go see Todd's football game next weekend! I'm so excited! We haven't really gotten to hang out in a while, plus it's been forever since I've driven anywhere besides Austin. And I've yet to see one of Todd's games!
Oh, and guess what else? Todd and his girlfriend broke up!!!!!!

Joy Ride

Yesterday was very exhausting, but totally worth it! I went with Mark to his parent's ranch in Katy and rode horses all day! It was so nice to be back in the saddle, although my ass is paying for it now... Lol. But it was fun, and relaxing, and the weather was perfect! When I got home, I was tired, so I laid around for a while and watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Then Brandon called.
We ended up hanging out last night, and it was fun. But his height really bothers me! He's so hot, I wish he were taller. Oh well. So we smoked a little, and I was super high, but we had a really good time. We stopped into my bar to say hi to Bethany. On our way out I noticed a bike sitting out front that looked a lot like John's. I asked Gavin if he knew whose bike it was, but he said it was just some guy's. Hmm. Still haven't seen or heard from John since...well since last Friday! Anyways, at the end of the night Brandon walked me to my car and we stood there, kind of awkwardly. We were parked right next to each other, but I was facing forwards, and he was facing backwards, so our doors were against each other. So anyways, I'm standing there with my door open, and he's standing there with his door open... It was awkward. I mean, I couldn't tell if he was interested or not! And I mean, I wanted him to kiss me, sort of, or at least give me a hug goodbye, but he was being so stand-offish. So finally, I broke the silence.
"Well, I'll be out tomorrow so..."
"Yea, I'll be at the shot bar with my roommate." He said.
"Ok. Well...call me then."
"Ok." He said.
Then I got in my car and shut the door.
As I was driving home I wrote him a text, "Well what was that?"
B: I don't know!!! What did u want me to do?
Me: Lmao. I don't know, SOMETHING!!
B: Well I'm sorry I guess I didn't know if u wanted me to do something
Me: Well what were you leaning towards?
B: I wanted to kiss u but didn't want to get dissed!!
Me: Lol well you never know till you take a chance, right?
B: Yeah u are so right
Me: Well then why didn't you?
B: I don't know! I guess I didn't get that same vibe from u. I thought I was making an ass of myself.
Me: Lol well the vibe you were probably getting was HIGHHHH! you weren't making an ass of yourself.
B: That's cool. Didn't know if I was or not. But I was just trying to see u smile and laugh... :) :)

So that was that. He texted me this morning with, "Hey good morning. I woke up late, wanted to sleep in a bit. Had fun last night."

THEN he texted me again just a little while ago telling me he got a job at my bar as a door guy!!
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! That means he and John are gonna be working together!!!!
COULD THIS BE ANY WORSE FOR ME?!?!?! I mean, I knew he had applied there, but he just wants to get his foot in the door cuz he's in bartending school right now. Ughhh...this sucks. I mean, why does he wanna bartend anyway?? He has a day job at an engineering firm!
((Sigh))
I'm gonna see him again tonight, you know for our original plans.
I wonder if John will be at work today...

Decisions, Decisions...

Ok, quick update!
TDH bailed on our not exactly a date date. So I went out with Evan instead.
John has been oddly distant, but that could just be because he took off work Saturday, and I haven't seen him in a while.
TDH still texts me on a daily basis, but I can't really figure out why, since he doesn't seem to wanna make any definite plans.
And, there's a new guy in the picture.
One of the bartenders at the shot bar, her name is Summer, it's her brother. His name is Brandon. He's definitely attractive, but not as tall as I would like. But the thing I do really like about him is HE ACTUALLY CALLS ME!
And in a texting world girls, that's hard to find. I mean literally, the first day after he got my number, he called me and asked me to hang out Thursday. So! I have plans with Brandon on Thursday. Oh, and he's a lot of fun. He's goofy, and we like to give each other shit and tease each other. It's fun.
So that's that with the boys!

In other news, my mom started chemotherapy yesterday. She decided to go ahead with the chemo, because I guess the surgeon told her she needed it. And I talked to her on the phone while she was there, with the IV in her arm. She sounded so horrible it was heart breaking. I almost started crying in the grocery store. I never thought this would be so hard. I mean my job is to be strong for my mom, make her laugh, and take her mind off the bad stuff. And I'm pretty good at doing that actually! I can always make my mom laugh. But when I'm not with her, it's gut wrenching. I mean every time we get off the phone it's like...it's like a waterfall of emotions, worry, stress, sadness, regret all just comes crashing down on me. ((sigh))
It's so hard.

And finally, I'm thinking about going back to school. At the Art Institute. I spoke to someone on the phone today about the photography program, and I set up a meeting on Saturday. They wanna see my portfolio, and go over some of the classes and give me a tour. My mom is going with me too, and she's really glad I'm looking into it. I'm actually excited about it too! I mean I would really love to learn some new Photoshop stuff! I would have to get a whole 'nother bachelor's degree, which might take me a while, but at least it would be something I have a chance of using! And I think I'll really enjoy it. So...I think it might be a good idea.

I'm sorry I haven't been good about writing lately. It's just that they have me working 5 nights a week now, and when I do get a night off, I just wanna go out with my friends, ya know?
Last night was my coworker, Taryn's birthday, so Alyssa and I went out for that. Oh, and she's the one that's dating the famous pro-athlete. So he was there and I got to meet him. That was pretty awesome! Evan was so jealous! Haha...
Well, Oliver is literally running laps around my living room right now, and it's such a beautiful night! I'm gonna go take him for a walk.