Ok, I really feel like I'm starting to go crazy! Lane is in St. Louis for the weekend, and I haven't seen him since he left the morning after the 4th. ((Sigh))
All I keep thinking about is, "What's he thinking about? Is he thinking about me? I hope he's thinking about me."
I had a long conversation with my old friend, Nick, on the phone the other night about him. I'm just...still trying to figure him out I guess. I mean, I just want to know if he really likes me, and wants actually date me, or if this is just a matter of what's convenient. Nick says I should just flat out ask him what he wants out of this. I don't know if I can do that though. I still think it's too soon. But I just can't stop over analyzing and obsessing! Especially now that he's gone. The idea of going through this weekend without seeing him is such a drag!
But here's the kicker.
The big thing I purposely haven't told any of you...
He's only twenty-two!!!! ((Sigh)) I didn't know he was that young when I first decided I was into him! I thought he was at least twenty-five! He doesn't look or act young, although it does sort of explain his job situation, or lack thereof. It's just...I don't feel like a guy his age could possibly want the same things I do. And as much as I like him, I'm afraid that if I really get involved with him, I could be missing out on other guys, who are more...suitable?
I dunno... It's just that I had all these requirements...he has to have a good job, a good education, be taller than me, be older than me, not be a douche, not have any kids, not have tons of baggage...which, actually Lane meets all of those except the job and the age. ((Sigh)) So where do I draw the line?? Do I just say "Fuck it!" and go for it, or should I stop now before it's too late??? Should I even be worrying about this right now??? I mean, I'm having so much fun, and I finally feel like I really belong here. I don't wanna lose that. And I don't want things to get weird between Lane and I because if it doesn't work out between us, I'd like us to remain friends, if at all possible. But the thing is, I think I do want it to work out!
But I definitely said I'd never date a 22 year old that night we went to JJ's house. And he heard me say it. So what if he thinks he doesn't have a chance? What if he thinks I'm just out to have a good time, no strings attached? I'm not gonna lie, it may have started out that way, me just doing whatever I felt like doing, but now it's more than that. I just don't know if I can get past his age. I swore to myself after Rusty that I'd never date another guy that's younger than me. But he's nothing like Rusty!
He's sweet, and funny, and considerate, and kind, and I'm attracted to him, and we have amazing conversations, and I love kissing him, and I think about him all the time, and I miss him when he's gone... So what do I do??