Clark Kent

I met a guy.
His name is Adam. I saw him from across the room at the bar we were at last night, and I leaned to tell Lauren, "You see Clark Kent over there? He's hot." He was dressed very sharply, but that wasn't at all out of place in the spot we were at. He had a crisply ironed blue button up, a grey jacket and black framed glasses. Not the overstated nerdy kind of glasses with the plastic frames, the kind you wear out of necessity. Slightly severe, but in a good way. His hair was dark brown, longish and wavy, with that perfect little Superman swoop and side part. I immediately wanted to run my hands through it. He didn't see me, but I kept a subtle eye on him from our table. It was one of Lauren's friend's birthday, so I didn't know any of her friends, but a couple of them were pretty cool. So we hung out at the table for a bit, just the girls, and we did a couple shots and I even danced! I never dance. Then after a while, Lauren asked me if I wanted this shot of Fireball one of the girls bought her. I said, "Ew no, but give it to me and I'll use it as an excuse to go talk to Clark Kent over there."
So I made my way over to the bar and snagged the spot right next to him. The bartender came over, and I ordered another drink and asked to close my tab. While I was waiting, I turned to him and said, "Hey, do you like Fireball? My friend just gave me this and I can't stand the stuff." And he said, "Sure, but you have to do a shot with me." So he bought me something else and we did the shot together.
The rest is sort of a blurry haze... He bought us another round, then one of his friends sent us over a bottle of champagne, and I ended up standing over there talking to him for the rest of the night. I checked in with Lauren, who was also a little worse for wear lol. Apparently she made out with some guy and doesn't even remember it. Hahaha.
Anyway, I ended up going home with Adam. I wasn't paying much attention to where we were going in the Uber, but when we got to his building, I did notice it was very nice. Then we get up to the 30th floor, and he walks us to a door labeled: Penthouse 5.
PENTHOUSE. 5.
UGH. In that moment, I felt sorta like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, minus the prostitution, and except for the fact that he's a year younger than me. But anyway, his place was obviously amazing. We headed out to his balcony, which had the most amazing view. He even had like this little reclining patio bed type thing. Which of course ended up making out on it. Lol. Eventually we went back inside though, because it was so cold, and my sweater was stolen at the bar (ugh).
So we headed upstairs, and there was more kissing, and more...other stuff, but I did not sleep with him! In fact, I'm honestly not sure why we didn't. But I'm kind of glad we didn't. When he took his glasses off, I couldn't stop staring at his eyes. They're a pretty greenish hazel color. He's also quite tall and a bit on the skinny side, but that's neither here nor there. And I was right, his hair is the softest... Anyway, we passed out eventually, and then we spent the entire day today laying in bed talking. It was nice. :) I kept worrying that I was overstaying my welcome, but he was adamant that he wanted me to stay. So I did.
He works in maritime engineering, doing stuff with giant barges on the Mississippi here. Whatever it is, it obviously pays well. He has 2 older brothers, a couple nephews and nieces. He's been single for almost as long as me, because he's done a lot of traveling over the last few years for work. He is also super nerdy, in a really cute way. I was up front and honest with him about everything, like I usually am, even though most of the time it seems to backfire. We talked about that too. Then we slept a bit more, and finally I figured it was time for me to go home. So he offered to drive me! Of course he has a super nice black Audi with very dark tinted windows and all the upgrades... ((Sigh)) It was sweet of him to drive me home though. And a couple hours later, he texted me. :) So I think I'll see him again. And I'm glad.

#GOALS

Do you ever just feel so sexy and confident that you're like, "This night is gonna be awesome!" ??
Cuz that's me tonight. I hit 150 today. I've lost 18 pounds and I'm down to the weight I was when I finished college.
Now I'm heading out for a night on the town!!

XOXO!

Keeping Busy

Not a whole lot has been going on recently. Well, actually, I've been quite busy. Carrie was here the weekend before last, and she and Lauren and I went out like every night, then Taylor (Sophie's ex-husband, Brent's brother) and his newish girlfriend Cassie came into town this past weekend, so I hung out with them on Friday. Saturday, Lauren and I went to a fancy society party that I scored an invite to through work. We were like the youngest people there and didn't know anyone, but we got to dress up, eat free food and drink free booze though, so that was cool. And afterwards, we changed clothes in her truck like college kids and hit a couple bars. Lol. It was a good time.
Next month I have 3 people I wanna see all coming in town at the same time. So that's gonna be pretty crazy... Sophie is coming for a PhD interview, a friend I met in Chicago, who now lives in NYC, named Grant, who I don't think I've ever mentioned, but he's super cool, and my old friend Shane, who I met through Izzie that lives in Austin. I haven't seen her in forever. Both Grant and Shane are gonna be here for work though, so I'm sure I'll get to see everybody. I'm really excited abou Sophie coming. It seems like I've been seeing so much of her recently! And before I know it, she'll be living back in the states. She applies for programs at Michigan University, NYU and Tulane. NYU is her first choice, but obviously I want her to go to Tulane. It would work out perfectly, because my current roommates lease is up at the end of August, and then she's moving in with her boyfriend, so Sophie can move in with me! Living with Jenn has been great, but what's better than living with your sister?? So I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Did I mention I am fostering a miniature poodle and her six puppies? Jesus, they keep me busy. They're super cute though. Carrie adopted one of them when she was here the other week, but they won't be ready to take home for a couple more weeks.
So Lane and I are talking again. I finally texted him, and things are back to...well not normal, because what even is that with us? But things are on a purely platonic level now. We don't FaceTime anymore of course, and we only text like one or 2 messages at a time, no more conversations that last for days. Just if something comes up that makes me think of him, and vice versa. But I'm ok with that. I'm pretty much over it. It's still a little bit disappointing how everything turned out but you know what they say, out of sight out of mind.
In other news, since I moved here I've had a weekly assignment where I drive all over the city taking photos of houses for the real estate section of the paper. It's really tedious and takes forever and I have to drive really far, but it basically served as like a base pay that I could count on since, being a freelancer, sometimes pay periods can get thin.
Well that was taken away from me and given to some part time guy, who was apparently promised a certain number of hours and wasn't getting them. My boss fought hard for me about it, but apparently there was nothing he could do, because that person isn't someone he manages. ((Sigh)) He was really upset about it when he called to tell me, and he said it's nothing I did wrong, and that in fact, I've done the best job of anyone on them, and that I've been improving the last year in all my work, and he feels shitty about it because instead of being rewarded for my hard work, they're taking money away from me. Ugh. At first, I wasn't really that upset. I mean yea it sucks that I won't be getting that money anymore, but I hate doing the houses. It was boring and I was putting tons of miles on my car doing it. But now I basically have to get a second job to make up that income, and I don't really know what I'm gonna do. I love the flexibility of my job! I love that I can have like an entire day to lay around and then go to work from 7-10 pm and be done for the day sometimes! And I definitely do not want to work somewhere 9-5 or anything like that, because it would limit the number of photo assignments I could take. I spent a good hour last night trolling Craigslist, but mostly it's all restaurant type jobs and I just CANNOT go back to bartending. The week of Mardi Gras, as a favor to one of Bethany's friends, I bartended a private party. It was 2 hours of set up/clean up and like 4 hours of party, and I was EXHAUSTED by the end. My feet and back were killing me. I have no idea how I used to work 10 hour bar shifts when I was living in Chicago. I just can't do that anymore. Plus, I was easily irritated by people the whole time, and I just...can't do it anymore. Sure a private party now and then, fine. But every week? NO WAY.
I did book a wedding for this June, and mermaid season is coming up, so hopefully that will be a nice supplemental income, but it's not dependable enough. What to do, what to do...
Maybe that guy will hate doing the house pictures and not want them anymore.
On a lighter note, I lost 12 pounds, and I'm feeling sexier than ever!
G's this post has been all over the place. Well I'm gonna go get caught up on House of Cards before the new season in a couple weeks. There's a really bad storm coming in and most of the schools and govt buildings here are closed, so I doubt I'll be going anywhere. TaTa!

WANTED: SINGLE LOCAL DUDE

Well I guess I may have spoken too soon about the Englishman. He sent me a facebook message today, and we ended up chatting for an hour or 2. It was a great conversation, but a little too redolent of the early days of Lane and I reconnecting. ((Sigh)) It's like...do I really wanna do all this again? I mean Jamie is great, and sexy, and British, and we have a lot in common...except for the fucking continent we live on. And that's way worse than here to California. Plus, there's his whole divorce thing. I suggested we chat using iMessage and he basically said he didn't want to do that in case someone else saw there was a girl texting him, because it could be used against him in divorce proceedings. ((Sigh)) So weird...
So I dunno. I'm still not totally over Lane. I'm doing much better, but all this has got me thinking about him again. It's just really frustrating because I feel like I went so many years without meeting anybody worth dating, and now I've met 2 great guys, and I can't date either of them because they don't fucking live here! What the deuce!? When am I gonna catch a break?!
Kevin called me today. He acted all cool and casual at first, and then he was like, "So what do you got goin on tonight?" And I basically told him nothing, and then he was like, "You wanna get together and make out later?"And I was like, "Uhhhhhh...." I mean literally, I was kind of speechless. How do you answer something like that when the answer in your mind is clearly, obviously, "NO"? I just answered his question with a question, and avoided giving him a straight answer until I was able to get off the phone. Most awkward conversation EVER. I told Jamie about it when we were talking and we both had a good laughed. But still...weird.
Anyway, Carrie is in town for the weekend. She's staying at Lauren's, but we're all gonna go out tomorrow night. So maybe we'll meet some cute single LOCALS! Who knows, but I'm sure it'll be fun either way.

I Can't Even

So I never ended up seeing the Englishman again. Kinda disappointing, but it's probably for the best. I just started my period anyway. But what's weird is, he just accepted my facebook request TODAY. Today as in, the day he's flying back to the UK. So of course I've been stalking him.
And I forgot to mention before, the night we met, he confessed to me that he is married. That's what he said, "I'm married." So of course, I freaked out because I'd been making out with him 5 minutes prior to that, but then he went on to explain that he and his wife are separated and he's in the process of going through a divorce. In fact, he talked about it more later that night, and he seemed really upset with himself that he was going to be a 31 year old divorced guy. I checked up on this, of course, and confirmed with his friend that he is, in fact, separated from her. And then he told me that that was one of the main reasons he came to New Orleans, just to get away from it all. Apparently she wanted to have kids, and he realized that he does want kids, just not with her so...they split up. Rough.
But anyway, so I found his soon to be ex wife on facebook, and most of her photos are not private, and there's all these old wedding photos of them...it's weird. It's sooooo weird. I have never slept with a married man before, regardless of the technicality. I really hope he wasn't lying to me about that, and I didn't just participate in cheating. But then why would he have accepted my friend request? Ugh. All this is pointless. I just hate when guys act like they really like you, even after the sex, and they say all this bullshit to you about how you're so wonderful and beautiful, and they've never met anyone like you and blablabla...I'm a grown ass woman. I don't need to be coddled. Why can't you just fuck me and leave if that's all you want? What's the point of all the other crap? I'd rather they not be overly gratuitous and complimentary if they're not actually interested. Just save it.
God...this is why I told myself I wasn't gonna do the casual hookup thing anymore. Because I just CAN'T. #LessonLearned

My English Gentleman

Last night I went to this crazy Mardi Gras costume party. Very exclusive. Kevin invited me a while back and despite the way he's been acting lately, he said he still wanted me to go. So we had plans to meet at this bar and he and his friends had arranged for some sort of shuttle to take us to the venue. My plan was to Uber to the bar so I wouldn't have to drive, but there were no Ubers available because of all the parades and whatnot, so I had to call a regular taxi, which was going to mean I'd miss the shuttle. So Kevin told me to just meet him at the venue, and they'd probably be in the line. So I got there and called him, and their bus hadn't even gotten there yet! So basically, I ended up standing on a street corner alone for 45 minutes waiting in the freezing cold. But he ended up texting a friend of his, Dave, who was already in the line, and he was able to get me in. So Dave was with a small group, and he introduced me to everyone, but the most interesting person was definitely Jamie, the British guy. He was dressed in all pink, including a wig, and was apparently dressed as a rugby player. Turns out, he actually plays rugby (of course). Well we just sort of hit it off immediately, and were talking and found we had lots of common interests - books, BBC Tv, political views, etc. So it ended up just being Jamie and I at the bar alone and his other friends wandered off. Eventually we went into one of the stage rooms to find everybody. I still hadn't heard from Kevin, and it was close to midnight by this time. But then when we found Dave, he said he's just seen him! He didn't even text me to let me know he was there! And then Jamie kept saying, "Oh well we should probably go find him, since you need to say hi and everything." But I was hesitant to do so because of the way Kevin has been acting lately. Ever since I told him I just wanted to be friends, he's been kind of a dick. Trying to make me jealous, and just being generally immature. So I ended up explaining the whole situation to Jamie, who apparently had been under the impression that Kevin and I were some sort of item. I set him straight quickly though, and I told him I'd rather hang out with him than with Kevin. So I did! :)
And we had the best time. I didn't drink too much, which is good. Just enough to catch a buzz. And Jamie and I, both being virgins to this particular party, had a good time people watching. There were people there that were basically naked. Sooo that was interesting. He kept telling me I wasn't like any of the other American girls he'd met, because I'm much more progressive, and I'm very sarcastic, and straight forward, like British people. I laughed and said I'd take that as a compliment. At one point, we were on the dance floor and he was just staring at me, and I said, "What? Why are you staring at me like that?" and he said, "Because I'd really like to kiss you right now."
So I kissed him! It was wonderful. It felt so...organic. I just can't remember the last time I just met someone out of nowhere and liked him like that. I mean he's hot, he's tall, he has a sexy accent, and he's smart and well-read. What's not to like?? Well...there is the part about him living in Manchester. ((Sigh)) Why can't I ever find a good guy that lives HERE?! He's only going to be here till Wednesday. So after we kissed for a while, he asked me if I was free any time this week, because he'd like to see me again. And I told him I didn't really know what my schedule was yet (which is true), but that I'm sure I can squeeze him in. Then we went back to kissing.
Inevitably, I did have to go find Kevin and say hi. It would have been rude not to. So Jamie went off to find Dave, who was holding all his cash since Jamie didn't have any pockets lol, and I went to find Kevin. He was dancing, and super fucked up. Apparently he took ecstasy. ((rolls eyes)) He introduced me to a couple of his friends, but really didn't seem too interested in talking to me. Which was totally ok by me, cuz I just wanted to get back to Jamie, but I didn't want Kevin to see us together, because I figured...I dunno, that would just be too wrong, seeing as Kevin was the one who invited me to the party in the first place. So after Kevin and I chatted for a bit, I told him I was going to grab another drink, and went to find Jamie. Then we continued with our fun night. We stayed until the place shut down, around 4am, and then finally walked outside to find a taxi. I was really uncertain at this point about inviting him back to my place. I mean I wanted to, but 1) my place is a huge mess right now with all these puppies and 2) I told myself I wasn't going to have any more casual hookups, because ultimately, that's not what I'm looking for. But of course, I gave in, and invited him back with me. I mean he had no phone and no money and his friends were gone. I couldn't, in good conscious, leave this foreigner to fend for himself! I warned him about the puppies, and the messy house, but he said he loves puppies, and didn't care. Good thing it was dark. Lol.
So things went basically the way you'd expect. Except, I took off all my makeup. I wasn't worried about what he'd think. And he said I was beautiful. He also said he respected me, and we didn't have to anything I didn't wanna do, but I wanted to. So we did.
It's funny because he's very proper, in a way. He never swears, he apologizes constantly (which is definitely a British thing) and he was bashful to even say the words, "have sex". Lol. He was just kind of like, "Well if you want to..." and he sort of made this gesture that said, "you know what I mean" and I just laughed. While we were at the party, he actually used the words "make love". BAHA! He's so cute. And he literally could not keep his hands off me. Even when we were just laying there, he was constantly rubbing my back, my arms, anywhere my skin was exposed. It was heaven... The sun was up by the time we went to sleep. And it wasn't like real sleep. It was like a nap, followed by more sex, and then more napping. Around 4, we actually got out of bed, and then I drove him back to his friends house on my way to Bethany's for a Super Bowl Party. I only stayed for the first half though, cuz I was exhausted. Jamie doesn't have a working phone here, since he lives in England, but he told me he would Facebook message me. I'm still waiting for that to happen, but hopefully I see him again before he leaves. And if I don't, that's ok. I had a great time, and that's what matters.

PUPPIES!!

So even though I haven't been texting Lane, he's still been texting me, I just haven't been responding. So finally, the other night, just as I was getting into bed after a really long, stressful day, he sent me this message...

Then of course, I couldn't sleep cuz I was just laying there, thinking about him. I sort of ruminated on it for a couple days, and then finally I had so many thoughts, I decided I'd just send him an email and get it all out. So I jotted down a buncha stuff late one night and then went to sleep. Another day or so later, I took all those thoughts I had jotted down and structured them so they made sense, and I sent Lane the email. Here it is...

Ok, so DISCLAIMER!!! I’m gonna be really, really blunt and honest. Probably too much so, but at this point, I feel like it can’t get any worse, so I might as well for ONCE IN MY LIFE say exactly what I’m actually thinking to a guy. 

To further explain why I sorta ghosted you over the last couple weeks…

I’m disappointed about the last conversation we had, for a few reasons. The obvious being that I didn’t get what I wanted out of it, another reason being I don’t think I was SURE exactly what I wanted at the time, so I probably wasn’t very clear, and finally, because all those things I was trying not to think about, and yet still daring to hope for, like the long distance thing, you basically told me that you’d be willing to do those things, just not with me. Ouch. At that point in the conversation, I was basically like “well fuck it, I’ll just tank this right now”, which led to me getting drunk and saying all that shit I said. I did it subconsciously on purpose, because I figured…I dunno. If I never speak to you again, it might as well be my fucking fault.

The thing is, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. I didn’t WANT this happen. The feelings. I’ve had weekend flings with out of towners before and it was fun and light. And then they left and we both got on with our lives. No big deal.  And it’s obvious to me now, that that is all you wanted, and that’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to go beyond that myself. I just wasn’t prepared for what DID happen. 

So last time we talked, when I told you how I felt, you said you like me too, BUT… Everything always has a “but” attached to it. I expected you to say that, pretty much. The distance is too far for a relationship, it’s unrealistic, yada yada… What I didn’t expect was for you to say that yea, you’d do a long distance thing if it was worth it, but you just don’t have the time/inclination/desire to try that with me. As much as that stung, I can’t blame you, because I’ve been where you are now. 

It’s just that all that stuff about me wanting you to ask me to move to LA so I could say no…? I still don’t understand that. Is that some sort of game people play? Because if I thought someone was gonna ask me to do something for them that I had no desire or intention of doing, I would NOT want them to ask me. I would either make it known to that person in some way that I wasn't into it so that they wouldn't ask, or I would avoid the topic all together. I wouldn’t WANT them to ask. That makes no fucking sense to me. But the craziest part is, if you really WERE to ask me to move to LA, I don’t think I WOULD say no. I mean I wouldn’t say OMG YES! and just hop on the next plane, but I would consider it. So, there it is. I’m just a pathetic dummy for thinking or considering ANY of these things because it’s obviously so completely fantastical. 

You are clearly in a different place than I am right now. Your priorities are all about you. And the more time I spent thinking about that, the more I realized how foolish I was being, and the more I realized that our relationship is a bit one-sided. We talk about you, your career, your dreams, etc, most of the time. And when we talk about me, it’s always in relation to you or your situation. I am a very supportive loyal person by nature (if I’m friends with you) so it’s my inclination to want to help and encourage people. But what I DON’T want to be is used or taken for granted. I don’t want to just be that person you call when you’re feeling lost or shitty about your life, or need advice, like some sort of emotional cheerleader, or when you're drunk or just horny, while I’m having all these feelings that I keep to myself because I’m worried that A) you don’t reciprocate them and B) if I talk about them, it’ll scare you off or whatever. 

I basically just decided that right now, I need to not talk to you, because I need to not think about you. Because thinking about you makes me frustrated and sad. Even though our time together when you were here was very brief, it still felt like a loss when you left, because going back to my life the way it was before, suddenly felt like this giant gaping suckfest. I just need some time to get over it. And I will. And then we can go back to being friends.

I hope you enjoyed this short story. Feel free to respond. Or not.

That was last night. And he responded within the hour with this...

This is great! I'm really glad you wrote this out. I hear you, sincerely, and I get it.

My intention wasn't to imply I would do it for anyone else. I did it once, back in the day. It was a surprising amount of drama that I don't want to revisit. I failed to communicate to you what I want and don't think I really understood what you want. I don't think I realized the gravity of the conversation we were having.

So I wholeheartedly respect your desire not to talk for a while. I liked what we had, though it sounds like it may have been selfish and toxic to continue, so should you want to revisit bantering and whatnot, I'll be here. And if not, it was a really fun weekend and I'll remember it fondly.

Before I make this worse, as is my tendency, I just want you to know that if you ever want to call me (not text) about this or anything else personal or vulnerable, don't be afraid to do so.

You're great. As cynical as I can be, I really do believe that everything works out.

Lane

Soooo that's that! It's done. Izzie says she hates him for breaking my heart, and Sophie says he seems very detached. Either way, it's not happening. And I feel less...just less. I feel less about it. 

Now for the GOOD NEWS!! I am fostering a litter of puppies and their mama for a few weeks until the puppies are old enough to leave their mama and they can all be adopted! There are 6 puppies, and mama is a mini poodle. The puppies are obviously mixed with a larger breed though. They all look so different! They're 5 weeks right now, and can't be adopted till they're 8 weeks. I've been so blissed out with them, despite how much work it is. I've got one in my lap right now. He just woke up from napping on my chest. :) Sooo, in short, puppies make everything better! :)