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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Commitophobia

Daniel broke up with me today. He never called me yesterday. Or today. Finally I gave in and called him around 7.
He gave me most of the same excuses as before.
Overwhelmed with work, his daughter, stressed about Whitney moving in...etc.
We actually talked for a while, and he finally told me, "I just can't handle a serious relationship right now."
And the whole time we were talking, I was uncharacteristically calm and detached. I didn't get choked up or emotional. But I'm still waiting for it all to hit me.
He hinted at maybe "taking things slow", but I just can't put myself through that again. I won't. I just wanna forget him. It's the easiest thing for me to do in the long run.
He doesn't wanna be in a relationship.
I do.
And I guess maybe I knew, all along, in the back of my mind, that things never could work out between Daniel and I. But I did love him. I still do. And it's going to be hard. But I don't want to let myself get sucked under again. I can't afford to let myself get that depressed again. I just don't have the emotional capacity for it.

So after we got off the phone, I took a deep breath, and wrote a text message to Todd.

Me: Hey Todd...
Todd: Peyton! What's up?
Me: Um...a lot of stuff actually. Crazy weird stuff.
Todd: Like?
Me: Uh...lol. I kind of feel weird telling you this.
Todd: Well you don't have to tell me.
Me: I know, but it keeps coming back to haunt me.
Todd: Ok tell me then.
Me: A while back, when I asked you if you had ever thought of me, as more than a friend, I wasn't just asking you that out of curiosity. And I don't know where you and Lisa (his girlfriend) stand now, but I just...feel like I should tell you that I still think about you often, and I wonder... What if??
Me: You don't have to respond to that either. Just so you know...

Then I waited.
And waited...
And waited.

Finally a response.
"Peyton. That is very flattering. I have thought about it as well, at times in the past. All I can say is that I am completely in love with Laura."

((sigh))

I'm such an idiot.
Who am I kidding?? I want Daniel, as bad as he may be for me, or as wrong as we may be together, I love him.

And the guy I should be with, is in love with someone else too.

6 comments:

Chrissy said...

I am so sorry, Peyton! I hope Daniel realizes what he's giving up and comes back to you.

DDgirl said...

Oh dear, I'm so sorry!!!

Sorry also for the bad timing, I have tage you (hope you don't mind!)

K said...

I'm so sorry he broke up with you, Peyton! It's interesting that all of a sudden when jerko moves in Daniel doesn't have time for a relationship. I'm sure it's just all the stresses in his life right now... unfortunately he may feel like you are an added stress, when you SHOULD be someone he goes to when he's feeling overwhelmed.

You seem to have a good attitude about it. I hope you're doing OK. My advice, if you're hoping to maybe get back together with him, is to just NOT contact him. Hopefully Whit will move out soon, and Daniel will realize how much he misses you and how much he screwed up.

If you don't want to get back together, then I suggest just immersing yourself in work and having fun with your girls. You need some "Peyton" time. Don't get involved with another guy for awhile... take some time.

And I think it's good that you said that to Todd. Now he knows.. and it shouldn't affect your friendship.

Ashley said...

Leave Daniel alone for a while and you'll see he is not what is best for you. Just let guys in general simmer in the background for a while. Thats generally when the good stuff happens...when you're not looking for it. Plus, relationships should be smooth sailing in the beginning, even the first 6 months, so take your love for Daniel and reinvest it in yourself. Show yourself some love or no one else will.

Katie said...

That sucks. Didn't he just tell you he loves you last week? That's kind of immature.

Don't be surprised if he calls you next week wanting to "hang out".

Anonymous said...

sweetie, i read your blog often but never comment. I feel like I just have to say this. From what I remember you are young, but it seems you might be pushing for a relationship. You seem like a fun, caring, all a round good person. You will find the person that makes you happy. I know 'being young and having fun' gets old, but sometimes that really what you need, and thats what it takes to find the one.
I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. Take care.