I Snooped And I Don't Feel Bad About It!

((Sigh)) So Brandon is passed out on my couch right now, and I am in my room, in bed, typing this post.

Let's start from the beginning...

Our group was supposed to go out on the boat today, but it was raining this morning, so instead we all went up to my old bar to watch football. I did a thorough drive through of the parking lot before going inside, and Brandon's car wasn't there, so I felt reassured. But then, as soon as I walked inside, there he was, in the DJ booth, doing sound for the game. So I tried my best to avoid him. But then Summer showed up, and brought him over to the table. It was a little weird, but I tried to act nonchalant. We ended up leaving shortly after that to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, and Brandon couldn't go, obviously, because he was working. But while we're there, he's texting me. Asking what I'm doing, etc. Hours and hours have gone by, keep this in mind.

Me, Tara, Hot Dereck, Summer, Ben, and Mark (Bethany was working at her other job) met up to watch the game around 3ish, and got to BW3's around 9ish. So after that, we went over to Summer's place to kill some time before heading back out. Tonight was Hot Dereck's brothers birthday, so we had plans to meet up with him later. So while we're at Summers, Brandon is still texting me to find out what's going on. Apparently by this time, he was off work, but just hanging out there and drinking. So Summer tells him to meet us at our next destination. Well we get there, and Brandon shows up and he's hammered! I mean, DANGER ZONE hammered. And I'm like, "Oh shit..."

So I immediately tell Summer and Tara how fucked up he is, and this can't be good, and I probably shouldn't be around him because he gets out of control. But Tara was like, "No, stay, stay, maybe we can get him to leave."

So I stayed.

Then Brandon starts to say something to me, and he's shouting in my ear! And I'm like, "Whoa! Calm down!"

"It's loud in here!" He shouts.

"I know, but you don't have to shout when you're that close to me!" I shout back.

So then he leans over and whispers something to me, just to be a smartass. Then he he says, "Oh did you need me to repeat that?!"

And he whispers it again.

This happens about 4 times.

On the 5th, I push him away from me.

"Ok..." I start to say, pulling away cuz I'm getting fed up with his drunk ass, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back.

I shook him off me and walked away.

"I'm leaving." I said to Summer and Tara and I brusquely walked out of the bar.

Then I hear Tara yelling after me. I turn around and see Brandon and Summer both behind me. I keep walking, faster.

"WAIT! I'll walk with you, just wait!" Tara calls. So I pause to wait.

"Are you ok? What happened?" She asked.

"I'm fine, I just wanted to get out of there before that situation turned nasty. I knew this would happen."

"I'm sorry your night was ruined." She said, with a sad face.

"My night wasn't ruined, I had fun with you guys all day! I just know where that would have led, and I don't feel like dealing with it."

We talked as we walked to my car, and then I drove her back to the bar.

"Call me if you need anything." She said as she got out.

I really do love Tara. I mean I've only known her for a couple weeks, but she's a totally awesome girl, and a great friend. And Dereck is so sweet to her! I'm really happy for them.

ANYWAYS, so I drive off, and then Brandon texts me.

"Come back please!!"

"No. You're wasted, and being a dick, and I don't feel like dealing with it."

"I'm not trying to be a dick! You just ran off."

"I did not just run off. You're too drunk, and I don't feel like dealing with your shit right now."

This went on until I got to my apartment.

"Look, we need to have an actual conversation, and not tonight. When you're sober. CALL ME tomorrow. If I don't hear from you then...I guess that's it." I finally said.

Just when I thought he had given up, he texted me again.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be an asshole. Where are you?"

"At home."

"I want to see you."

"You don't know where I live and you're too drunk to even be driving."

"Whatever, let me know and I'll be there!! Try me, and I'm not that drunk."

"Yes you are. You should have let Summer and Ben take you home."

"Whatever, if you give me the address, I'll be there."

"Why do you want to come over here?"

"I want to if you want me to...?"

"I'm not playing games with you Brandon. Why do you want to come over here?"

"What is your address!"

"[My address]"

I caved. This had better be good.

When he finally showed up, he was still drunk, of course.

"So...what did you wanna come over here for?" I asked.

He paced around my apartment, making comments on how big it is, and looking at stuff. It was weird. Seeing him in my apartment. He was stalling.

"I can't talk to you now. I can't. I'll just go."

"You were so insistent upon coming over here, just so you could leave!?" I asked.

"Well I can't talk right now, I've had too much to drink."

"I know! That's why I told you to call me tomorrow!"

He sighed.

"I'll just go outside and pass out in my car.

"No. You'll be too tempted to drive." I said.

"Well then let me just sleep on your couch, and I promise I'll be here in the morning, and we'll talk."

I stood in front of the door for a long while. I can't believe this is happening.

"Fine." I said, "But you better not go anywhere."

"I won't. I promise." He held out his hand. I shook it. He held on longer than was necessary and I pulled away.

"Goodnight." I said, went into my room and closed the door.

((Sigh))

I also stole his phone, so that he couldn't leave in the middle of the night. Then I went through all his text messages and found the 2 slores he'd been talking to. I know, that's totally psycho of me, but whatever. There were two of them! And I thought there was only one!!! Beth, and Stephanie. WHORES! And they both call him babe all the time, and one of them even went to one of his golf tournaments. Sounds like a little more than a casual fling to me. As soon as I read them, I stormed out of my room, with full intentions of strangling a confession out of him if I had to. But he was passed out cold on my couch. And I had forgotten how peaceful he looks when he sleeps. So....sweet. I used to sit and watch him sleep sometimes. ((Sigh)) So I lost all my resolution and went back to my room. Then I deleted every single text from both of those girls, AND their phone numbers!!

If his intentions are to try and get back together with me, he won't be needing their numbers anyway. And if that's not his intention, well then I don't really give a fuck! Ugh...

I really wish I knew who these girls were. It's Bethany's fault I looked through his phone anyway. I was on the phone with her and she asked me if I had looked at his text messages. I hadn't even thought about it until she said something. ((Sigh))

I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, it's not like he cheated on me or anything. We're not together. We haven't been for almost 2 months. And if he likes to date 19287523 whores at a time that's his prerogative. But he sure is hell isn't gonna get back in with me while he's doing it!

I've decided to tell him that I think we should take it really slow, and try to develop a pretty solid friendship before we do anything else, and just build from there. BUT!!!! Only under the condition that he stops talking to those sluts. Because otherwise I'll never be able to trust him. And I'm not gonna try being his friend for my health! There's a lot of history, a lot of hurt that I have to get past in order to do that, and if I'm gonna set aside my feelings, and forgive him, then he's gonna give up his slores! END OF STORY!

I've gone in the living room to check on him twice now. He's still there. Fast asleep. I kind of wish he was in my bed. But, I'm standing firm on this one. And I think I'm doing the right thing.

So in the morning, he and I will talk. And tomorrow night, I'll write.

The Right Thing To Do

I slept all day for the past 2 days. I didn't eat, or leave the house, except to go to work. I would wake up from time to time, let the dog out, feed him, and then just go back to bed. Because when I was wake, I was being haunted by my thoughts. And sleep was the only peaceful thing I could do to pass the time.

Today, I got up at 5:30 to start getting ready for work, and as soon as I got out of the shower, I had a text message from Brandon.

"Just wanted to say hi!"

"Really. Tell your slore I said what's up." I responded, sardonically.

"I'm at my sister's place." He said, "Summer says hi."

I didn't respond.

"Anyways, ok I guess I will leave u alone." He wrote.

"Don't say that. I was hoping you could tell me about your latest sexual conquest." I wrote back. I couldn't help myself.

"Well lets see, I woke up, with nobody next to me, went to the gym and came over to my sister's place to drop off something! Now I'm talking to you. That's my day." He said.

"Hmmm sounds nice. Last night, I went home with a 45 year old man. Aside from his beer gut and hairy back, the sex was GREAT!"

I couldn't contain my bitter sarcasm anymore at this point. Obviously I did NOT go home with a 45 year old last night, I just...wanted to prove a point.

"Well that's great to know!!" He said.

"Isn't it though?? Gosh, this is definitely the beginning of a great friendship! I can already tell!!"

"I'm trying to be your friend, but you're not letting me."

"Friendship requires respect. Maybe you should try looking at the situation from my POV. I mean, who are you trying to fool, Brandon? You don't really want to be my friend."

"I'm not trying to fool anybody! And I do want to be your friend." He argued.

"Well I don't know what I want. I'm scared of you." I said.

"You should not be scared of me, Peyton! I'm not a monster!"

"Really? Then what are you?"

"I'm Brandon."

"And that's exactly why I'm scared of you."

"I'm sorry!"

"Shouldn't you be worried that your new slore won't like you talking to me anyways?"

"No, I'm not worried about that. She's not my girlfriend. Slores, or whores don't care about that crap!"

"Right. What was I thinking? And here I thought you had more self respect than that."

"I do!"

"Then how could you jump into bed with some slut when we've only been broken up for like 6 weeks? How could you do that? How could you just forget about me so quickly."

"I never forgot about you. And the way things went with us, I figured you were long gone!"

"Long gone?? Like it even would've made a difference!"

"I think it would have, but since I said all those things to you...I figured I messed up too much!"

"So what are you saying?? That you would have wanted to get back together??"

"Yea, I have given it some thought but I did a lot of damage to you."

"What do you think this is a game??? Why would you say those things if you didn't mean them, and if you meant what you said, then why would you want to be with someone you had so little respect for?"

"I respected you, I'm not taking back what I said, you just took my words the wrong way!"

"((Sigh)) Well now I need to know what tense we're speaking in, Brandon. How do you feel NOW."

He didn't respond for like 5 minutes. Then finally:

"I have to work right now. I will talk with you later."

I didn't respond. But when I got to work, Summer told me she asked him if he would get back together with me, and he said yea, but he doesn't think I'll ever forgive him. Or something along those lines.

((Sigh))

My head is reeling. I don't even know how to process all this information. And I don't know when this conversation of ours is going to take place, and I have NO idea what I'm going to say, or what he's going to say.... What if he does wanna get back together? Should I??? I mean, I know I want to. I'm still in love with him. I always have been. But...I can't bear to be put through this again. It's slowly killing me. And I mean...he slept with someone else!! I can't easily forget about that! I'm doing everything in my power right now to not find out who she is and put her on TheDirty! And I dunno if he's right for me, I just...don't know!

All I know is, I love him, and I miss him terribly, and I've been really unhappy since we broke up. But he's the reason I'm unhappy! And I can't just forget about everything that happened!

UGh....

I already know what you all are going to say. Don't get back together with him. He's done this too many times, he'll just do it again. I know, I know, I know! Because logic is already telling me all those things. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do the right thing. Especially when I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is.

Can't Move Forward

I saw him last night. I went home, and I cried. It was pouring down rain. REalllly hard. Then he texted me. Said it was "good to see me" even though I "want nothing to do with him".

We ended up talking on the phone. Till like 6:30am. He said he wants to be friends. And that he still cares about me. He told me he's sorry for everything he said to me that hurt my feelings. Oh, and he's fucking some new girl. And he doesn't want to get back together. He made sure to tell me that wasn't the purpose of his phone call.

I cried myself to sleep. Woke up around 2pm. Cried some more. Went back to sleep. I finally got up at 7pm. Figure I should start getting ready for work soon. I don't wanna be around anyone. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I don't wanna see anyone. I just wanna stay in bed. Forever.

Guess Who's Coming To Town?

Wow, I can't believe it's already October! And it's also my first weekend night off since I started the new job. So I definitely have plans to hit the town tonight!

Last Sunday, me, Summer, Bethany, Tara (bartender from my new job) and the boys went out on the boat again. It was a blast as always. This Sunday will be our last trip out before Mark retires the boat for the season. :( Sad day... But I'm looking forward to it! I didn't get to wakeboard last week, cuz Ben fell and landed on my ankle while we were on the boat, and I ended up limping for 2 days after that. So obviously, there was no way I was gonna strap my foot into a wakeboard boot. But I'm looking forward to giving it my best shot this Sunday.

So here's some interesting news... Emma is moving back to Houston. This week. From Europe. On the one hand, I'm glad, cuz you know, I never get to see her, but on the other hand, it seems like she and I get along best when we don't live near each other. And she always gets pissy and pouty if I don't invite here everywhere with me, and frankly, it's really annoying. Not only that, but she expects me to let her stay with me until she finds a place to stay. And I am soooo not okay with that. I like living alone. And I don't really like the idea of someone intruding on my space. But she's kind of giving me a guilt trip about it. And it's not like she doesn't have a place to stay, she just doesn't wanna go to her step dads house, cuz they don't really get alone. ((Sigh)) So we'll see what happens.

Todd is coming home next weekend! I'm gonna try to get Friday off so we can go out. Jenna's gonna be in town too! So it should be a good night. Assuming, I can get off work.

Me, Summer, Tara and Bethany have been planning a trip to go to one of Todd's games in about a month. I'm really excited because he's gonna stay in town there for an extra day so we can all hang out. He even offered to pay for our hotel room! It's gonna be so much fun! We need to buy our plane tickets soon though!

Well, I've got a piano lesson in like 20 minutes, so I better go. I'll let you guys know if anything exciting happens tonight. And I really hope it does!!!