I'm Trying, I Swear!

Ok. I know I said I was gonna start blogging more often again, and I haven't been doing such a good job with that, BUT! There is a reason for that! The internet at my apartment complex has been down for TWO WEEKS because someone stole the wireless router from the clubhouse (ugh), so I haven't been able to get online at home. And I've been pretty busy at work, so I haven't had time to email blog from work. Until this morning.
Since my last blog, I've had 2 sessions with the therapist. And it's too soon to tell if it's helping, obviously, but I do like my therapist, and it does feel like a release, just being able to talk to someone about what's going on in my life. Someone who I know is listening and wants to help me. Even if I am paying her to care. I'm not having a session this week though, because I'm a little short on funds. I took this past weekend off at the bar because Sophie was in town.
She and I went and saw Tool live on Sunday night, and it was AMAZEBALLS. Tool never disappoints.
So I had a nice relaxing weekend. Although things were a little difficult with Sophie being taxied around all weekend between my place, my parent's house, and my mom's new place. Ugh...

But anyways, guess what!?
My dad is taking Sophie and I to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios!!! I'm SOOOO excited! We made our hotel reservations on Saturday, and we just bought our plane tickets yesterday. We're going the first weekend of August. I don't think I've ever wanted to go anywhere so bad in my life. Lol. The only problem is, the place we're staying at, it's actually a condo, is this time share deal that my mom and dad signed up for a while back, so my mom has to be there for this presentation thing, since she signed the contract. And we were all ready to book everything when they told us she had to be there. So we called her to ask her about it, and obviously she wasn't thrilled, but she agreed to go, just to fly there for 1 day and fly back, if we really "need" her to be there. Which we do. But I mean it's not like she has no other reasons to go to Orlando. She has a brother and a cousin who live there. It's going to be strange going on a "family vacation" without my mom there. Even though I'm not her biggest fan right now, I still kind of wish she was going. Will my family never truly be together ever again?? ((Sigh))

Well anyway, the Sunday before last, I went out on the boat for the first time this summer! There was a LOT of us too, like 12 people. And we had a blast, of course. I finally got up on the wakeboard! I'm so proud of myself. Lol. I didn't make it very far, but still, it's an accomplishment. We're going out again this Sunday, so I'm super excited! Well I guess I don't really have anything else to report, but I swear I'm going to try to write more. The internet should be back up soon. It better be anyway...

Things That Happened...

Ok. It's time to tell the story. The story of me, Melissa and Law School.

I'm not sure how much you guys remember, so I'll try to explain from the beginning. If you do remember, feel free to skim through this.
Well...Melissa knew I liked Law School, but she started dating him anyway. They both deliberately hid it from me, she lied to me about it, and they talked all kinds of shit about me behind my back. And the way that I know this, is because Bethany and Summer found Law School's phone in a cab one night, randomly, and saw all the text messages between him and Melissa. And they were riddled with shit talking. About me.

I have always been a person who responds to pain with anger. I dunno why, it's just easier for me to get mad, than to get sad. So I lashed out at Melissa in any and every way I could, as soon as I heard all the hurtful things she had said about me. I was also a bit drunk when I did these things, and at that point, I knew there was no possibility of Melissa and I ever salvaging our "friendship". So I just let loose on her.

First, I sent her an email that said,

Melissa,

Go fuck yourself.

Love Your "BEST FRIEND",

Peyton

Then, I sent a long, (and in retrospect rather embarrassing) email to her ex boyfriend, Tim. Knowing her history with Tim, it was safe to assume they would get back together at some point, so in my hurt and angry state of mind, I just wanted her to hurt the way that I did. And I knew that telling Tim was the way to do that. The message, while truthful, was a bit gratuitous and rambling, in my intoxicated state of mind. I almost regretted it the next day, thinking, "How am I possibly going to save face the next time I run into him??" But then I just shrugged it off, and told myself I didn't care. I wasn't going to apologize to him, or to anyone else for what I had done. There was no way to go back and change it now anyways.
He never wrote back, and I actually have run into him several times since, it wasn't awkward at all, in fact, he actually seemed happy to see me! And neither of us ever mentioned that long drunken email I sent at 3am. Later on, I learned through the usual channels, that Melissa and Tim were back together, and I wondered if he ever asked her about what happened with she and I, and Law School.

But as time has gone on, I have thought less and less about Melissa. I don't even miss her actually. She was fake. Being with her was actually physically taxing. Because I never felt truly comfortable around her the way I do with my real friends, like Izzie. And it's made me realize that there are very few people I do feel truly comfortable with, who really know me.
Needless to say, I haven't put more than a second's thought to Melissa in over a month.

Until today.

I had just gotten back to the office, from lunch with my coworkers when I saw that I had 9 new text messages on my phone!
That's odd, I thought.
Two were from Taryn, and the other 7, were from Melissa.
WTF.
My heart started pounding in my chest, the way it does when I know I'm about to get into a confrontation with someone. I am very confrontational. In fact, you could almost say I live for confrontation. It doesn't always have to be hostile confrontation, it's just...I like to speak my mind. I don't understand all these passive aggressive, cold shoulder type people.
Anyways, pasted below, are her very misinformed opinions...

U know after we stopped talking & being friends I left everything alone. Didn't ever tell anyone anything u had ever said about them including ur bf's like bethany, jenna, etc. Or told Laura how the entire time u would talk to her u would talk shit about her bc u wanted Todd. I was there for u everytime u had a problem. I even gave u money when u had none. Why would u tell Tim things about me? Things u were unsure of. I feel sorry for the kind of hateful person you are. & I wasn't sleeping with [Law School] when u ran into Tim. If u really want to know I slept w/ [Law School] once & I broke it off w/ him soon after bc I knew he wasn't right for me. U sleep with EVERYONE and I never judged u or told anyone & still won't. Please stay out of my life.

Now I just want to vent.
First of all, I have only slept with 3 people since she and I have been friends! And one of those, was Brandon! So I dunno where she gets off telling me I sleep with "EVERYONE". And she apparently thinks I said something to Tim the last time I ran into him, but in fact, I have never so much as mentioned her name to him in person! After I sent him that email, on that fateful drunk night, I let it go. That was it. I would also like to know what the hell she's talking about "giving me money" like I'm some sort of charity case?? Like SHE actually has money of her own to give! She gets it all from her parents! She's almost 27 years old and she still lives with her parents, being completely supported by them until TWO FUCKING MONTHS AGO. I can think of a few times when she wanted me to go out with her, but I declined because I was short on cash, and she offered to buy my drinks, if I would go out. But that's it. And I will say that I always thought her generosity was one of her best qualities, but if she's been harboring all these horrible thoughts about me all this time, then who wants her Indian Giver generosity anyway!?
And yes, I said some things about Bethany, because we were going through some shit. But I told her all that stuff to her face, and we worked it out. Same thing with Jenna! I don't think I ever really said anything bad about her except that she complains too much. And I tell her that all the time! Yes, I did talk shit about Laura. I'm not perfect. I do shitty things. I'm HUMAN. And I was JEALOUS of her. And I didn't really understand her then, (I DO still think she's a bit batty) but she and I are actually friends now. And I like her! So doesn't that count for something??
And finally, "Please stay out of my life." PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY LIFE?! Pardon my hysterics, but, HAHAHAHA!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! THIS BITCH IS FUCKED 3 TIMES TOWARDS THE WEEKEND! I have made ABSOLUTELY NO attempts to talk to her, call her, text her FB her or ANYTHING. SHE is the one reaching out to me now, just so she can take one last jab at me, because apparently what I'd attempted, on that night that our friendship ended, has finally taken hold.

I finally hurt her back.

Time Will Tell

Ok I know I promised a new post today, so even though I don't really have much to report, here I am. Things with my Mom are...strained, to say the least. She still comes over once a week but I just don't really know what to say to her, and the atmosphere is very subdued. Although things with my Dad have actually sort of been improving. I guess it's cuz I've been making a noticeable effort to talk to him more, and spend more time with him. I just don't want him to be lonely. ((Sigh))

My first appointment with the therapist is tonight. I'm really nervous. I've never been to any kind of shrink before, and I have no idea what to expect. But...I guess I don't really have anything to lose, right? And if it's not for me, then I don't have to go back. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to afford to go back, but that all just depends on how well it goes I guess.

Every day I fantasize about moving somewhere far away, where nobody knows me and I can just...start fresh. I still want to go to that school in Chicago, but even that seems almost unlikely. Just because I don't think I'll be able to afford it, and now that my parents are separating, I'm not sure my mom's promise to help me financially still stands. I don't even know how she can afford to pay her own bills without my dad. But who knows...I'm still going to apply, and if I get in, maybe I can get some financial aid or something.

I did finally talk to Sophie. I called her on Friday afternoon, and we got into an argument. I told her she was being too flippant about everything, and asked her how it is that this doesn't seem to bother her. And she argued that she couldn't understand why it was bothering me so much, saying, "Don't you just want them to be happy? If Mom isn't happy with Dad, then she shouldn't stay with him." Her callousness and general lack of concern for the entire situation was not only upsetting me, it was making me angry. She's not here. She doesn't know how it really is. And the only person she seems to talk to is Mom, so how could she possibly know the whole story!?
But she called me back the next day and apologized for being combative, and she said she did think maybe there was something more she could do. I explained to her about how I was worried about Dad. I mean, Mom talks like marrying Dad was a mistake from the start, and the only reason they stayed together was because of Sophie and I, and that she was just settling. But then Dad talks like she's just going through some kind of midlife crisis, and she'll get over it and come home eventually. But I'm not so sure that's going to happen... But I hope, for all of our sakes that it is. Only time will tell.
Oh well, at least Sophie and I are on some kind of common ground now. She'll be here visiting in a couple of weeks, Father's Day weekend, and we're going to try and do something fun with Dad, like...go carts or something, I dunno.

Well, I can't stand to think about this anymore, it's just making me feel sullen. I'm gonna go back to my book. Wish me luck tonight.

New post tomorrow, I promise.

Disappointed

((Sigh))

I think I miss blogging.

I know I've been posting something here and there, just when I need to get something out, but...I dunno. It's like I wanna blog, but I don't. I'm just such a total mess right now, I don't even know where to begin.

I don't know if it's very obvious to you guys or not, but I hate change. It's very hard for me to deal with, because I hate feeling like things can spin so far out of my control.

So here's what's happened lately...

1) Gavin and I finally hooked up. Three weeks ago. And I haven't spoken to him since. The whole experience, while immediately satisfying, has left me feeling very...melancholy. Empty.

2) My mom is leaving my dad. No particular reason really, except that she suddenly "can't stand living with him." She moved out of their house today.

3) I haven't spoken to Sophie in weeks. She's so....absent these days, it hurts. And I'm angry with her too, especially in light of everything that's been going on with my family.

4) I've decided to see a therapist. My first session is next Tuesday.

((Sigh))

So that's everything. I think.

I'm just so...depressed, and so dissatisfied, and so lonely. I don't know how to make myself happy. I don't know how to stop stressing, and thinking all these negative things. I don't WANT to be this way, I just can't help it.

That's why I decided to give therapy a try. At least I'll finally have someone to confide in. I haven't been able to talk to anyone. About anything. No one knows about my parents, except Izzie. And she's been busy, so we only had a brief conversation a few weeks ago, and I haven't talked to her since. Things with my Mom have been really strained. I feel like she's betraying our family. Like she's been lying to me my whole life about the values and morals she's been preaching for the last 25 years. I feel like I don't even know her.

And I had been thinking about moving away, to go to photography school and everything, but now I'm afraid to. Because I don't want to leave my Dad here all alone, to fend for himself, when he probably needs family the most. And I DON'T want to turn into Sophie, who never calls anybody. ((Sigh!)) I'm so angry with her! Doesn't she know that I need her?? Does it never cross her mind that maybe I could use someone to talk to who actually knows what's going on?!

I don't think it crosses anyone's mind how I might be feeling.

I have no one. Literally. No one.

Do you know what that's like??

To literally lay awake at night, just going through a list of people in your mind, wondering who you could call and talk to, but...NO ONE comes to mind?????

I went all the way to the movie theater this afternoon to meet up with Ali and Taryn and as soon as I got there, I turned around and went back home because I can no longer stand to keep up these pretenses. Pretending I'm happy, and that nothing's wrong. It's all becoming too heavy to carry around. Surprisingly, the only place I feel somewhat normal is at work. I just read all day, and have light small talk with the girls in my office. There's nobody to pry. Nobody who's expected to care, or even expected to pretend to. Nobody who would know whether or not I'm ok anyway. It's almost like being anonymous, but yet, not alone. Does that make sense? It's like having background noise. Pleasant background noise. And I can escape in my book, and not have to think about anything.

I wish I could just do that forever. Or at least until all this is over and the dust has settled. I'm just so disappointed. In everyone. In everything.

Mrs. Brown

She slammed the door of her car and hurried towards the school doors, clutching the paper to her chest.

She was tired of arguing with her mother, but it seemed inevitable these days. She couldn't even remember the last time they'd had a pleasant conversation. The voice of her nagging and yelling was swirling about inside her head. She shook herself in an effort to stop thinking about it. She had some fast maneuvering to do. Graduation was in 2 days. She knew it was her fault for procrastinating. If she would have taken care of returning her books before school had let out, she wouldn't be here now.

Well what difference does it make anyway? She thought, I just have to get this paper signed and I'm free to graduate. I'll never have to set foot inside this building again!

She walked into the administrative office and looked around. There was no one in sight.

"Hello?" She called.

Just then, a willowy looking woman with reddish hair came striding in.

"Can I help you?"

"Yea..um...I just need to get this last box signed here, for turning in my books?" She said, handing the paper to the woman.

"Well it says here you haven't turned in your Spanish book. I can't sign this unless you have the book."

"I left it in my locker. It should have been there when they did locker clean outs."

"I'm sorry. You'll have to go to the old building and check with someone in charge of book returns." She said with a polite smile as she handed the paper back.

She sighed with mild frustration and headed down the long hallway towards the old building. The new building had been finished her freshman year, and still had that smell of fresh paint, tools and freshly cut wood.

It was a straight shot to the cafeteria in the old building, where the book return was. All she needed to do was get someone to sign her paper. It couldn't be that hard, right?

Her hopes were dashed when she saw who was running the book return: Mr. Reeves. They had never been exactly fond of each other. But she put on her most charming face and approached him, nonetheless.

"Mr. Reeves?"

He looked up, but said nothing.

"Um, could I just get you to sign this for me? It's the last thing I have to do before graduation."

He took the paper from her, wordlessly.

"Spanish book?" He said, and held out his hand.

"Uh...it was in my locker. With my other books. I left them there on the last day, for locker clean out."

"Well it says here that we're missing your Spanish book. No book, no signature." He handed her back the paper with curt smile.

She sighed again.

"I swear it was in my locker. I don't have the book Mr. Reeves. Could you please just sign it?Graduation is in 2 days." She pleaded with him.

"Well, I guess you should have thought about that before you misplaced your Spanish book."

She could see that she wasn't going to get anywhere with him, so reluctantly, she turned on her heel and stormed out, in a huff.

Fine. I'll just go to my old locker and look! Why the hell would I wanna keep a stupid Spanish book anyway!?

She trudged up the stairs of the empty high school, towards her old locker. When she reached the hallway where her locker had been, she saw that all the lockers stood ajar, and all of them were empty.

"Dammit!" She said aloud, to no one in particular. She headed back down the stairs,

and back to the new building, where her car was parked. In the fire lane. She silently cursed to herself as she remembered that fact. She hadn't thought she would still be here. She broke into a jog.

Guess I better move my car, since I'm probably gonna be here a while.

When she reached the front doors, she was relieved to see that her car was still there. She began to dig through her purse for her keys.

Where are my keys!?

Growing impatient, she dumped the contents of her purse onto the hood of her car. No keys.

She looked through the driver's side window of her car and cringed when she saw her keys dangling out of the ignition.

As if this day couldn't get any worse!

Now she would have to call her mom, who was already angry with her for putting everything off till the last minute. She gritted her teeth and thanked the heavens she hadn't locked her phone in the car as well. She pressed the 2 on the speed dial.

"Hello?" Her mom answered.

"Mom?"

"Yea?"

"I need you to come up to the school. I locked my keys in the car."

"WHAT!? I can't come up there right now! I'm on my way to go get your sister, you're just going to have to wait. Did you take care of that stuff yet?"

She sighed, "No, I'm still working on it. Are you sure you can't come now? My car is in the fire lane."

"Well WHY did you park in the fire lane! I don't have the spare key to your car, your dad does, and he's at work! You better hope you don't get towed! If you do, you're paying for it!"

"OK!!" She yelled, and snapped the phone shut. Clearly her mom was in no mood to help. She took a deep breath. Before she could stop them from escaping, tears began to trickle down her cheeks. She put her head down in the crook of her arm and leaned against her car. It must have been a hundred degrees outside. She decided she would sit just inside the front doors, where it would be cool, but she could still see her car, in case someone decided to tow it.

As she walked through the front door, tears still streaming down her face, an angel appeared to her, in the form of a heavyset woman with short brown hair.

"What's the matter sweetheart?" The woman said.

She looked up, surprised to see anyone. Before she could even answer, the angel pulled her in to her bosom, and she just cried even harder. Someone was hugging her. Someone she didn't even know, seemed to care.

The angel took the paper from her hand, and signed the last box at the bottom, without saying a word.

"There you go, Sweetie. Everything is going to be fine." She smiled, a tight smile that didn't show any teeth, but was still genuinely heart warming.

She wiped the tears from her face.

"Thank you." She said, "Thank you so much."

"Don't worry about it." The angel said. And just as suddenly as she had appeared, she was gone.

She later found out that the angel was called Mrs. Brown.

She would never forget Mrs. Brown. Her angel, in an office assistant's clothing.