New Computer!

So I haven't been able to write the past couple days, cuz my computer totally crapped out on me! And then I got really mad, and threw it across the room. Lol. And now it's uh...well let's just say I have officially retired my old Toshiba laptop. And it was wayyyy past time for me to get a new computer.
SOOO, I am now typing on my brand new MacBook Pro!! I absolutely LOVE it! I've been wanting to get a Mac FOREVER!

Anyways, I've been reading all your comments, and I do sort of agree, that I need to be happy on my own for right now, instead of thinking about boys. In the past, I've usually had an in between person to help me get over the last guy. But not this time. And I know I'm not ready to date, but I just really don't like being alone either. And I have no news about Cory. Things have gone sort of stale in that department. Not because I'm not interested, but I mean, he lives in San Antonio, and I just don't see how we're ever gonna be able to get together unless he comes to Houston and we hang out. And he ended up not coming this weekend. So...whatever. I'm just working, and trying to save some money and get back on my feet.
Last Sunday, Summer and I went out wakeboarding on the river with some of her friends, Ben, Mark, and Michael. They used to be regulars at my old bar, and I always knew who they were, but just never really got to know them before now. And we had tons of fun! And we're gonna go out again this Sunday, only this time with more people! Bethany is gonna come, and Melissa too, even though she doesn't really know anybody. It's a shame I'm not interested in any of these guys, cuz they're all cute and fun and have good jobs. But Ben is totally in love with Summer. Lol. Michael is really sweet, and cute in a little boyish kind of way. And Mark is this huge beefy guy, who has ears that stick out. Hehe. But I like them, and they've sort of adopted me into their group this past couple weeks. Me, Bethany, and Summer go out for margaritas and Mexican food with them before work every Friday and they never let us pay. It's totally awesome!
I think I'm starting to get a handle on my Brandon situation. I mean, it's getting easier. I can honestly say that I'm not totally miserable about him anymore. Although I can't say that I'm happy, I'd rather be in between than miserable. I still think about him a lot, randomly. But it's just like sudden sharp pains now, instead of a constant dull ache. And when I do think of him, it's bad, like an abrupt intake of breath, followed by acute pain, and me trying to hold back tears. ((Sigh)) Then I have to will myself to think about something else.
The key is to keep busy, and I've been doing pretty good with that. I live for my Sundays!
Well, it's like 5 in the morning now, so I should really get to bed.

Ketchup

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. Things have just been so hectic since the new job and everything...
The first night I worked there, I absolutely hated it. And I was sure I wouldn't come back. I didn't get to work at the same bar as Summer or Bethany, and the place was just a total...clusterfuck! But it was busy. REALLY busy. And we ended up making so much money that night that I figured I couldn't afford to quit. And I figured I should give it another chance.
So I went back the next night, and it wasn't as bad. I still didn't get to work at the same bar as my friends, but I figured I need to get to know the other bartenders anyway. It's all girls and one guy. And right now, there are only 7 of us.
Last night, being a Thursday there weren't as many bartenders working, and Bethany and I are trading off every other week. And it was actually kind of fun! I got to know Jim, our only male bartender, since we were working in the back bar together. Then Jim went home at midnight and Summer came back to work with me. So she and I had fun together. Although...sometimes, she'll say something, or do something, a facial expression, or a gesture, that makes me think of Brandon. And it's like I have to look away. They're just so much alike. ((Sigh))
After work, all us girls went and ate at IHOP and that was really fun. There's this girl, Tara, who just moved here from Boston, and guess who she's dating?! Hot Dereck!! Lol. Small world, huh?
I was so surprised when I found out cuz...well frankly, he used to be a total manwhore! But good for him, I guess he's got his shit together. And Tara's a really sweet, cool, girl. Cute, but not your cookie cutter, run of the mill, blond with big boobs. She has a great personality! So anyways, she's my favorite one out of our bartenders. And then there's Cailee. She's young, blond, tall, and pretty. And very...well, young. You know, shes all into the scene, drinks a lot at work. A total party girl. But...I think she means well. I hope she does anyways. It's hard to tell with girls like her, because they're at a point where they could go either way...
And then there's Andrea. The 6 feet tall bombshell. Huge fake boobs, brunette, and happens to be dating Justin. One of the owners. Who also happens to be Jayme's ex-boyfriend. Lol. It's weird how everything seems to tie in.
So that's everybody! I'm sure you guys will be hearing more about them in the future.

Now, let me get you guys caught up on the non-work stuff. Sunday was Jayme's birthday party. Which was at my old bar. And sure enough, Brandon was there. I was having a good time, managed to avoid him for most of the day, until the very end of the night. Which, again, sent me heading home, sad and not in the mood to socialize.
The funny thing is, Gavin texted me and asked what I was doing. When I told him I was heading home, he asked me if I wanted some company, cuz he was bored. So...he came over! And nothing happened. I mean, he and Sierra are still on and off or whatever, and I would never wanna go there. It was just...really awkward. We watched half a movie, while sitting on opposite ends of the couch. He left after about an hour. But I have to say, it was nice to have his company, if only to distract me from my thoughts of Brandon. ((Sigh))
Monday night, I went out with Cameryn and DJ to this Stoli Apple release party. There were aerialists and dancers, and free alcohol! It was awesome. And it was so awesome to hang out with some of my friends from my old job. I miss everybody so much!
Of course, I ended up getting a little too drunk, and when I got home, I *67ed Brandon a few times. ((Sigh)) I KNOW, it was stupid. REALLY stupid. I knew even as I was dialing. But I just...couldn't stop thinking about him! No one answered the first couple times, and then on like...the 4th try, someone answered. A girl.
I was in so much shock I just choked. She hung up. I looked at my phone to make sure I dialed the right number. Did I dial the right number?? I don't know! I still don't know! I immediately dialed Summer. She didn't answer. I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, when I woke up, I had a text from Summer.
"Is everything ok?"
"Yea I just got a little too drunk last night, called your brother, and a girl answered the phone. I sorta had a mini meldown."
She was just as shocked as I was. But she said she'd try to find out who it was, if I even dialed the right number. I mean, I'm hoping I dialed the wrong number, obviously, but I know better than to hope for that. But I just can't help thinking, he hardly had time for me when we were dating, and he's so self absorbed and busy with golf, how could he possibly have had time to find a new girl already!?! ((Sigh)) Summer agreed with me on that front. But I really need to just stop obsessing.
Which is where Cory comes in! He and I went to high school together, and we had a lot of mutual friends, but never really hung out. So we're friends on Facebook, and he recently got dumped too. And we've been commiserating a lot. And the thing is...he's attractive, funny, tall, smart, sarcastic, and very genuine. And I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Especially since he told me he's coming to Houston next weekend. Yea, that's the only downside. He's going to school in San Antonio. But there's been a lot of flirting going on. Even when I was in Austin! I invited him to go to the river with us, but then we ended up not going. But he was gonna come! So he makes it a point to tell me he's coming to Houston, and I can't help but feel...good about this! I mean, usually I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up about something so uncertain, but I'd rather think about Cory and what could possibly happen, than think about Brandon and how much I miss him. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I just...miss him so much. It's like a piece of me is gone.
((Sigh)) So, I'm trying to be positive. About the Cory thing. Tonight all us girls from the new bar are going out to eat, and have margs before work. It's gonna be really fun. I'm glad I'm finally starting to get to know everybody, and sort of find my place in the world. That is, my small, cloistered little world. Well, I'm off to jump in the shower and get ready!

New Job Tonight!

I'm starting my new job with Bethany tonight. I'm excited, and nervous at the same time. On the one hand, I know it'll be really good for me to get out, meet some new people, and it'll be a nice change of scenery. Plus, I'll be making money again!
On the other hand, I have been spending the last month prepping my resume and putting some feelers out in the pharmaceutical sales industry. So don't worry, I'm on top of it!
Yesterday was a real rough day for me. Just, coming home from Austin, to an empty apartment full of boxes. I had no food, no television, and nothing to do. So I decided to go grocery shopping.
First, there was all this construction going on right near my apartment, so it took me like 20 minutes to get to HEB, even though it normally takes 5. Then this fat, asshole cop, was being really rude to me, because I was trying to ask him how I could get across the street.
"Well you can't go driving through all this machinery!" He yelled.
"Um, I know that, I was asking, politely, mind you, if there is any way I can get over there!" I said.
The other cop that was with him, was super nice, and told me he'd direct me across as soon as the cement truck passed.
So then I got home, and there were no parking spots, so I had to park really far away, and carry like 10 grocery bags all the way to my apartment. So when I finally got inside, I was setting the bags on the counter, and this 16 oz glass bottle of lemonade fell out of one of the bags and landed right on my left pinkie toe! I dropped everything I was holding and screamed bloody murder. Then I collapsed on the floor of my kitchen, sobbing, and had a complete emotional breakdown.
My toe swelled up to the size of a large yellow grape, and turned blackish purple.
Just great.
((Sigh))
Now I'm just hoping I get my boots on for work.

Well, that's about all that going on here now. I really hope I have a good night at work tonight. Cuz I really need it. I'm meeting Bethany at her place around 7:30, and we're gonna carpool. :)
So at least I won't get lost!

Nothing New

((Sigh))
It's been 4 weeks.
Since we broke up.
Last Wednesday, I went into work, and put in my 2 weeks. I was completely honest. Told him about the blowout between Brandon and I and that I just...thought it was best if I removed myself from the situation. And Mr. S. was really cool about it.
Until Thursday, when he called me and said the management thought it was "best if we parted ways now" and not to bother coming in for my 2 weeks, cuz they already got my shifts covered. Something about a conflict of interest...
Obviously, I was devastated. Spent another 2 days balling my eyes out.
Then on Saturday, I went to Austin.
I guess I was hoping things would still be what I'd hoped for. Fun, excitement, distraction, escape... Maybe a cute boy to kiss.
But it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I had fun! And it was good to get away. But there were no cute boys to kiss. And no distractions. At least not any to get me over this hump.
And now I'm back. And nothing has changed. My life is exactly the way I left it.
And I don't feel any better about it.

And you know what, I can't help that I'm hung up on Brandon! It's not like I'm enjoying this! It's not like I chose this! But I was in love with him. I hate to admit it, but I still am.
How do you just go from spending all your time with someone, being best friends, being in love, to just...nothing?
Nothing.
I want nothing more than to be able to move on, and stop thinking about him.
((Sigh))
I try so hard.
I just can't.

The End

Brandon and I finally talked last night.
A friend of mine who works at a bar near by told me she had seen him the night before, and that he told her we broke up, and it was "all me" and that he was sad. I flew off the handle and texted him. Asked him why he would tell people that I broke up with him when it was complete bullshit.
We texted back and forth for a while. Then he finally called me.
I yelled on the phone with him for a good 15 minutes.
I can't even remember everything that was said.
I don't even wanna try to remember.
All I know is that I feel so...alone.
He really just...doesn't want me.
I guess I've sort of been in denial about it all this time. Hoping that maybe there was some other underlying reason. But I've been lying to myself.
He said it was there once, but it's just...gone.
He said a bunch of other really hurtful things to me too. But then, I said some mean things as well.
After our conversation ended, I sent him a text that said,
"You know...I really wish I could feel better about all this. But for some reason, I still feel like I've lost something precious to me, even though you don't feel like you've lost anything. I honestly wish things didn't have to end this way."
And then he wrote, "I lost you!"
"No you didn't. You didn't lose me. You threw me back."
"I can't do anything to make it better!"
"You're right. There really isn't anything you could do to fix this. Ever. That's why this is so hard for me. But...I honestly believe that I could have made you happy, if you would have just let me."
"I'm sure you have have, but I fucked up too much with you"
I didn't respond to that one. Then he wrote back again.
"Peyton...I don't want you out of my life!!"
"Then you shouldn't have cut me out of it."
"I know I have me to blame for that."

That was the end of it.
I'm so heartbroken. All over again.
Why did I have to love him??

I'm putting in my 2 weeks when I get to work today. No deals, no persuading me to stay. This is it. I have to remove myself from this situation once and for all.

Let's Make A Deal

Wow. Less than an hour after I wrote my last post, I called Bethany, she called her manager/bar owner, and got me a job. They want me to start next weekend! Of course, Bethany told him that I still need to put in my 2 weeks. So then I went up to work to talk to Mr. S. Cameryn was in the office too.
I told them that I didn't want to quit, but that I had another offer, and I'm not making enough money, living paycheck to paycheck, etc. So I asked if I could just change my availability to only working during the week.
But then Mr. S. told me that now would be a really bad time for me to quit, with football season about to start, and that they gave me a really good schedule next week, blabla...
I told him I wanted to be able to pick up shifts at one of the other bars, and he said he'd bring it up in their manager's meeting tonight, but that the reason I've stayed there, is because he thinks I'm a good fit there in particular. I come in ready to work, with a good attitude, and I'm outgoing, etc...
And I told him that I could still be good at the shot bar or something, and that it's been especially hard for me here lately, having to work with Brandon. And he said he understands, and that he's been trying to separate us. I said not to worry about it, it's my bed...I have to lay in it.
But he said no, it's still a work issue. ((Sigh))
Either way, what started out as me going in to give my notice, and request off next weekend, turned into a 30 minute bargaining session, in which I gave in and decided to give it one week.
ONE WEEK.
I'm still going to meet with Bethany's manager tonight though. I'll just have to tell him that I'm not available to work for 2 weeks because the schedule has already been made. But...I'm serious about this Brandon thing. I can't do it anymore.
Greg was there working when I came out of the office. He says I shouldn't let Brandon have the satisfaction of knowing he made me quit. But you know what? I don't care. Why should I stay there just to spite him? I'm the one that's going to be better off by leaving. The only person that's hurting is me. And I just need to get out of there. Besides, it'll be fun working with Bethany and Summer again. ((Sigh))
I just don't know how I'm going to tell them.

Quitting

Last night, after my piano lesson, Bethany and I had plans to go out to dinner and a movie.
Afterwards, Taryn texted me asking if we wanted to go have a drink with her. So we met her at our bar.
Where Brandon was sitting at the front of the bar. Between 2 girls. I excused myself to go to the restroom. I can't be around that.
As we were leaving, I saw them exchanging numbers.
I cannot deal with this anymore.
I'm quitting my bar.