If anyone wants to send me money, let me know and I'll give you my mailing address. Ha. ((sigh))

I'm Considering Stripping

No really, but I feel so out of my league right now. Why did I think I could do this? I'm drowning.

I have no money. No money for rent. No money for groceries. No money for bills.

I'm supposed to start the new job next week, but I can't attend training, because I have class, and they only gave me 2 shifts. One of which I also can't work, because I have class. I mean I gave these people my schedule, WTF!?

Jenna's starting to really bother me. She hasn't once called me since I've moved, but she keeps texting me asking if I've bought my bridesmaid dress. Which obviously, I haven't because I have NO MONEY! Now I think I'm going to have to pull out of the wedding altogether. I sure as hell can't afford 2 plane tickets for a wedding and a bachelorette party.

And Dane cashed my security deposit check without telling me. He said he wasn't going to cash it, and that it was just going to go towards my last month's rent. But he did, and now I'm unexpectedly out another $500. And he still hasn't even cashed my January rent check, which is now going to bounce. Not to mention, I have to pay February rent in like 4 days.

My parents can't help me, because my Mom doesn't have money, and my Dad apparently did something stupid, that he won't tell anyone about, and had to take out a loan from the bank. And he's usually pretty well off. The only money I have coming to me is my $150 deposit from my last apartment, and my tax return, if it ever gets here.

I just don't know what to do! I have no one.

Why did I think I could do this??

Salty

Ever since last Friday when Wes and I hung out, he's been texting me several times a day. In fact, it's gotten the point where I feel like I'm avoiding him at times. He can be a little...overwhelming. He's one of those people I feel like I can only handle in small doses. And I think it's kind of strange that he calls and texts me so much because I mean, doesn't he have any other friends? He just met me! So you would think he must have other friends here, but it doesn't really seem like it. So anyway, the other night he was badgering me to meet him out at some bar, but I was already home for the night, and didn't wanna go out and blow any money. So here's part of our text message conversation...

Wes: Quit being a fucking bitch to me before I start a facebook war with you. It will be a digital hiroshima like you could never imagine.

Me: Yea whatever

Wes: You are so cool. The bad thing is that you really are that cool but you want me to think otherwise.

Me: Do you ever shut up?

Wes: I can't wait to open mouth kiss you

Wes: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (etc.)

Wes: That's 43 "ha's" not just 1 long one.

Me: I think you really do wanna open mouth kiss me. No matter how many ha's you put afterwards.

Wes: There is no doubt about it

Me: You disgust me.

Wes: Of course I do

Me: You are quite juvenile.

Wes: That so?

Me: Apparently

Wes: Can I get an explanation?

Me: Explanation of what?

Wes: Why I disgust you/you think I'm so juvenile

Me: I'm salty*, remember?

Wes: So you have no interest in ever kissing me?

Wes: Then I apologize

Me: Why are you asking?

Me: And what are you apologizing for?

Wes: Dumb question obviously. I retract my jackass comment. Guess I was off in my social

cues.

Me: Lol, WHICH jackass comment?

Wes: All that apply I guess

Me: Why? I wasn't offended by anything.

Wes: So when we hung out last week and we were staring deeply at one another you didn't want me to even think about kissing you?

Me: We were both under the influence of alcohol and I don't recall us "staring deeply at one another".

Wes: Haha. Fair assessment. You win, I lose. Your still welcome to join me for any future social functions in the near future. On a friend type level of course.

Me: It seems like it's a little too soon for us to have had that conversation. Considering I've only been in the same room with you once.

Wes: I disagree. I obviously took your general kindness and friendly nature at a little more than face value. Guess my lack of social intelligence is a bit more than I had anticipated.

Wes: No malice intended I assure you.

Me: I am generally a friendly and accepting person. Didn't mean to mislead you in any way...

Wes: You did not. I was attracted to you. I apologize for my poor judgement. You're just different than what I'm used to around here and I ran with it. I assure you this had no bearing on my offer to hang out tonight. I just didn't want to miss out on an opportunity to get to know you before someone else did.

Me: Well you pretty much have a monopoly on my company right now, considering I hardly know anyone else.

Wes: I'm not stupid. I know enough about you to know you will be in high demand sooner vs. later.

Me: You flatter me.

Wes: Pshhh

Wes: Doubt that.

Me: Well I disagree.

Wes: :)

(*Salty is a word Wes uses to describe me, which basically means disgruntled, or angsty. How nice of him, hm? Also, any misspellings were his, not mine. Lol.)

So anyway, I went to bed shortly after that, but was woken up the next morning by him sending me the following text message NINE times!

"Shouldn't have said all that stuff last night. I think ur pretty damn cool, so def not trying to weird you out. Lots of drinks equalled poor texting choices last night. So I'm sorry."

After he sent the ninth copy of that message, I finally got irritated and responded...

"OMG. You have sent me the same text like 9 times!! STOP! I get it. You're trying to save face. Nice try. Now leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep."

Then of course, he wrote back.

"Sorry it wasn't going through. Apologizing for stupidity isn't the easy way. Nevermind."

"No, but blaming it on alcohol is. Look, I really would like to go back to sleep, so we'll have to debate this later."

"I def meant some of the things I said but that's not the proper setting to say them. But ok, I gotcha."

I finally drifted off into a bitter and resentful slumber. And when I woke up, I realized that I actually have a serious problem on my hands. I can't believe I ever wanted to kiss this guy! The things alcohol can do to the human brain... He's a Grade A pompous idiot! It's one thing to be cocky and sarcastic, but it's another to just assume everyone wants you. Ugh. That is just like the hugest turnoff for me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I had a good time hanging out with him last week, and I think he means well but, he's just too...too much! I can't deal with him anymore! I need a break!

Friend of a Friend

Since I've been here in Chicago, I've had several friends from back home telling me "Oh! I have a friend in Chicago you should meet!"

In most of these cases, I just say, "Oh really?" and then chance the subject, because those kinds of setups can be really awkward, ya know? Because you could meet them, and then what if you just don't really like the person?? It's hard to tell if you would actually be friends with that person when you aren't meeting them on your own terms. But anyway...

Bethany has a girlfriend up here named Carissa, and another acquaintance of mine, who I've never mentioned in the blog before because she's just an acquaintance, told me about some guy she went to college with who lives up here named Wes.

So both Carissa and Wes friended me on Facebook, and we messaged back and forth a bit, making some tentative plans.

So Wes and I hung out for the first time yesterday. He has a car, so he offered to drive me to the grocery store, since I had mentioned I needed to go. My first impression of him is that he's an attractive guy, although not my type, and he's tall, and has this kind of...classic good looks thing going on. He's your average, run of the mill, young professional. He was wearing slacks, a button-up and a long woolen coat. But he was in his work clothes. So we went to the grocery store, which is kind of weird for a first, I don't wanna say date, but...whatever it was. Lol.

Well he turned out to be pretty cool, so I invited him to meet up with me and Sophie for a couple drinks. Sophie and I went to dinner and then he met us afterwards, around 8:30. We went to a local bar, down the street from Sophie's place. Very low key. When Wes got there, it was pretty obvious that this isn't his usual scene. Apparently he likes to "party", frat-boy style. Lol. We teased him about this quite a bit. But we had a good time. Sophie and Wes spent most of the night debating over random things, because they both like to argue. And I had a couple of beers, and was pretty much just sitting there laughing at them. But as the night wore on, I couldn't stop staring at Wes' mouth. He has such perfect teeth, and these pillowy soft lips that are just dying to be kissed. And I kept mentally checking myself, because I'm totally not interested in Wes, I'm not even really attracted to him, it's just something about his mouth! I just kept getting the urge to kiss him! Lol. So around midnight, I suggested we go home. I was getting tired anyway, and it was obvious I didn't need any more drinks. Wes seemed disappointed that we were leaving "so early", but we'd been there long enough. And I can't really afford to spend money frivolously right now. So we each went our separate ways and walked home. Wes texted me during the walk.

"Had fun with you and ur sis. Hope my randomness didn't offend you."

"Not at all. We're pretty random too."

"Well let me know if you get bored and wanna hang out again."

"I will. It'll probably be sooner than you think."

"Deal."

So that's that. And I'm so glad I didn't try to kiss him! Lol. I'm already looking forward to seeing Ben again on Thursday at his show (which, for the record is improv, not standup. They're totally different!), and I've still got my sights set on him. So I'm not going to let anything deter me from that.

I may be meeting Carissa tonight for the first time. She said a group of her girlfriends are going to a new bar tonight for somebody's birthday, and I'm welcome to come. I just haven't decided yet, because A) if it's somebody's birthday, I don't wanna be that one rando that just shows up and tags along all night, and B) I really need to save my money. But we'll see.

I spent a lot of time this week looking for jobs, and I have an interview on Wednesday. So everybody cross your fingers that I get it!!

Secrets Don't Make Friends

Two major things about today. I'll start with the one that makes me happy...

I finally met Ben! The guy in the improv group. Sophie and I went to their show again tonight, and he actually approached us afterwards and introduced himself! It definitely didn't hurt that Sophie friended him on Facebook, but he actually talked to us! To me! And I finally got to ask him if he's read the Harry Potter books and he said yes! Lol. I'm such a dork. But it's something! It's progress. I would be totally kicking myself right now if I'd left his show for the third time without at least saying hi to him. He even offered to pay our tab, but we'd already closed it. But this is going to be our new Thursday tradition now. Me and Sophie going to see Ben's improv group. I'm so giddy right now, it's ridiculous! :D

The other big thing...

I found out today, from Sophie, who found out on Facebook that Evan is married. Evan! Remember Evan?? Used to be one of my best friends till he starting dating some chick and fell off the face of the planet?? We went to NYC together a couple years ago? I've known him since seventh grade?? Ring any bells??

So get this...they eloped LAST MARCH! AND DIDN'T TELL ANYONE, TILL LIKE 3 DAYS AGO!

WHO DOES THAT!?

I mean don't most people just elope because they don't want to deal with the pressures of planning a wedding etc, and then they get back from Vegas and immediately tell everyone?? Who just keeps something like a marriage a secret for almost a year! I just think that is sooo weird. And it hurts too because it's pretty much a slap in the face that says, Hey I've completely cut you out of my life. ((Sigh)) And it just makes me so sad when I think about all the fun time Evan and I have had, and how we were such great friends, and how funny he was, and now we don't even talk at all and he just gets married and doesn't tell me. I feel pretty down in the dumps about that. I mean I tried reaching out to him, a few months back, to possibly salvage what was left of our friendship, and at least find out why he was avoiding me, but he pretty much told me that he's too busy, and has no interest in being my friend, now that he's got his girlfriend. Girlfriend who was actually his wife!! Ugh. It just doesn't seem like him. I guess I don't really know him at all. Sad. :'(

P.S. I do try to acknowledge my readers from time to time, when somebody asks a question or something. Sometimes I even answer their questions in the comments. And other times I address them in my next blog. It just depends. But Maria, I will try to be more in tune with my readers from now on.

White Noise

Facebook Conversation with my friend Ray. He's blue, I'm purple.

you looking for a bartending job i assume?

yea...my school schedule is pretty erratic, so i think thats all i'll be able to manage and still make enough to pay bills.

i applied at 3 places today

Ill send some messages to a couple friends who are tenders in that area

with no car it takes a whole day just to go to 3 places. lol.

haha where is your car?

left it in houston! dont really need one here. parking is more trouble than its worth.

true

and my sis has been here over a year without one. i dont miss it. when my dad moved me up here, he stayed for a week and rented a car. it was the biggest pain in the ass

bus, etrain, walk just about anywhere

so yea, i like it this way

I used to get bored and take rides on the E-train all the time

it forces me to get out and explore

good way to see the city, bit dangerous too i imagine in some areas lol

its weird sometimes, i'll be walking somewhere and i forget that i live here its like...whoa. reality check!

sometimes i think i'm crazy

hell no, moving there is AWESOME!

no i dont mean that i regret it!

i just mean i never thought i would do something like this. completely alone.

its crazy to think about it

You needed a change of pace tho

i literally moved thousands away from all my friends and family to a place i've only been to twice, in the dead of winter. and i know 3 people. hahaha

it sounds crazy, doesn't it???

but yea, i have NO regrets. i'm so glad i did it.

its like...soothing.

I wish I could do things like that

lol i sound completely incoherent right now

haha

i guess i feel like all the white noise in my life is gone now. does that make sense??

absolutely

grool.

thats from Mean Girls btw.

*crushcrushcrush*

Holy shit. I haven't had a crush on a guy this bad since...like high school! I look at him and it's like...a million images just rush through my head: kissing his lips, laughing together over something funny he said, tracing my fingers along his perfectly muscled chest, cuddling on the couch watching a movie (Harry Potter), introducing him to my friends, he and I at my cousins wedding... It's insane. It's unnatural, and definitely unhealthy for me to be thinking about all these things with a guy I've never even spoken to!

((Sigh))

Of course I am referring to the hot guy in the improv group. We saw them again tonight and they were awesome, duh. And I had all these plans about how I was gonna go talk to him after the show, and I had all these opening lines saved up in my head, depending on how the situation would unfold but....it just didn't happen! We were sitting on the opposite side of a very crowded room, and by the time I made it over to near where he was standing, he was engrossed in a conversation with 2 of his improv buddies, and someone else. And I didn't want to rudely interrupt, or be awkward or obvious. And we don't have any mutual friends (that I know of), so it's totally up to me. I have to somehow pluck up the courage to talk to him. This is just so not like me! I'm usually so confident and blasé about approaching a guy! But I feel like he's almost...a celebrity! I mean, not literally, but all these people come out to watch his improv group, and I'm sure I'm not the only girl who's noticed his good looks, and there are always people queuing up to talk to him afterwards. UUUGHHHHHHH!! It's just so frustrating!!! I need an opening! I hate sitting here imagining possible scenarios of me and this guy! I don't even know him! I NEED to meet him. But how many times can I go watch his show without becoming a groupie?? Cuz I definitely don't wanna be that. A conversation needs to happen ASAP. Does anybody have any suggestions?? Because I REALLLLLY need them!

Somewhere I Belong

Well here I am, in my new bedroom in Chi-Town (which is currently a disaster), blogging! It's been a very tiring, very trying experience getting here, and unloading, and unpacking, and moving furniture around... Picture this: a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment full of stuff, crammed into boxes and shoved unceremoniously into 1 bedroom. Because that's pretty much how it happened. ((Sigh)) I've spent almost every free moment up until now working on unpacking and breaking down boxes, and taking the trash out and only now, after 3 solid days of working, do I feel like I can afford to take a break. But I can finally see the floor, and I only have a couple small boxes left to unpack. Don't ask me how I managed, cuz I have no idea.

Last night, I hopped the train over to Sophie and Brent's for dinner. Taylor came too. It was really nice. Being able to sit down to dinner with my sister and extended family. I feel like I actually belong here. :)

Anyway, my dad is still here in town, hanging out. He's staying at Sophie and Brent's place, thank God, cuz I love my dad, but I've been with him for like the past 72 hours. And Sophie works during the day, so I have to entertain him. Which is fine, but I do enjoy some alone time.

Well today is his birthday, so Sophie and I have some entertainment planned, which lucky for me, includes going to see that improv group we caught last time I was here. With the really hot guy, remember?? So I'm uber excited to go see them again! Maybe I'll even get a chance to introduce myself this time...

On to the Next One

Well the big day is tomorrow. I spent all day packing. With the help of my dad, and a couple other guys, we got the truck all loaded up. Tomorrow I just gotta wrap up a couple of loose ends and then we're headed to Chicago!

I have a lot of stuff to tell you guys, but I'm too exhausted to even type right now, so I promise to catch up from my new room in Chi-Town!

TTFN...