PUPPIES!!

So even though I haven't been texting Lane, he's still been texting me, I just haven't been responding. So finally, the other night, just as I was getting into bed after a really long, stressful day, he sent me this message...

Then of course, I couldn't sleep cuz I was just laying there, thinking about him. I sort of ruminated on it for a couple days, and then finally I had so many thoughts, I decided I'd just send him an email and get it all out. So I jotted down a buncha stuff late one night and then went to sleep. Another day or so later, I took all those thoughts I had jotted down and structured them so they made sense, and I sent Lane the email. Here it is...

Ok, so DISCLAIMER!!! I’m gonna be really, really blunt and honest. Probably too much so, but at this point, I feel like it can’t get any worse, so I might as well for ONCE IN MY LIFE say exactly what I’m actually thinking to a guy. 

To further explain why I sorta ghosted you over the last couple weeks…

I’m disappointed about the last conversation we had, for a few reasons. The obvious being that I didn’t get what I wanted out of it, another reason being I don’t think I was SURE exactly what I wanted at the time, so I probably wasn’t very clear, and finally, because all those things I was trying not to think about, and yet still daring to hope for, like the long distance thing, you basically told me that you’d be willing to do those things, just not with me. Ouch. At that point in the conversation, I was basically like “well fuck it, I’ll just tank this right now”, which led to me getting drunk and saying all that shit I said. I did it subconsciously on purpose, because I figured…I dunno. If I never speak to you again, it might as well be my fucking fault.

The thing is, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. I didn’t WANT this happen. The feelings. I’ve had weekend flings with out of towners before and it was fun and light. And then they left and we both got on with our lives. No big deal.  And it’s obvious to me now, that that is all you wanted, and that’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to go beyond that myself. I just wasn’t prepared for what DID happen. 

So last time we talked, when I told you how I felt, you said you like me too, BUT… Everything always has a “but” attached to it. I expected you to say that, pretty much. The distance is too far for a relationship, it’s unrealistic, yada yada… What I didn’t expect was for you to say that yea, you’d do a long distance thing if it was worth it, but you just don’t have the time/inclination/desire to try that with me. As much as that stung, I can’t blame you, because I’ve been where you are now. 

It’s just that all that stuff about me wanting you to ask me to move to LA so I could say no…? I still don’t understand that. Is that some sort of game people play? Because if I thought someone was gonna ask me to do something for them that I had no desire or intention of doing, I would NOT want them to ask me. I would either make it known to that person in some way that I wasn't into it so that they wouldn't ask, or I would avoid the topic all together. I wouldn’t WANT them to ask. That makes no fucking sense to me. But the craziest part is, if you really WERE to ask me to move to LA, I don’t think I WOULD say no. I mean I wouldn’t say OMG YES! and just hop on the next plane, but I would consider it. So, there it is. I’m just a pathetic dummy for thinking or considering ANY of these things because it’s obviously so completely fantastical. 

You are clearly in a different place than I am right now. Your priorities are all about you. And the more time I spent thinking about that, the more I realized how foolish I was being, and the more I realized that our relationship is a bit one-sided. We talk about you, your career, your dreams, etc, most of the time. And when we talk about me, it’s always in relation to you or your situation. I am a very supportive loyal person by nature (if I’m friends with you) so it’s my inclination to want to help and encourage people. But what I DON’T want to be is used or taken for granted. I don’t want to just be that person you call when you’re feeling lost or shitty about your life, or need advice, like some sort of emotional cheerleader, or when you're drunk or just horny, while I’m having all these feelings that I keep to myself because I’m worried that A) you don’t reciprocate them and B) if I talk about them, it’ll scare you off or whatever. 

I basically just decided that right now, I need to not talk to you, because I need to not think about you. Because thinking about you makes me frustrated and sad. Even though our time together when you were here was very brief, it still felt like a loss when you left, because going back to my life the way it was before, suddenly felt like this giant gaping suckfest. I just need some time to get over it. And I will. And then we can go back to being friends.

I hope you enjoyed this short story. Feel free to respond. Or not.

That was last night. And he responded within the hour with this...

This is great! I'm really glad you wrote this out. I hear you, sincerely, and I get it.

My intention wasn't to imply I would do it for anyone else. I did it once, back in the day. It was a surprising amount of drama that I don't want to revisit. I failed to communicate to you what I want and don't think I really understood what you want. I don't think I realized the gravity of the conversation we were having.

So I wholeheartedly respect your desire not to talk for a while. I liked what we had, though it sounds like it may have been selfish and toxic to continue, so should you want to revisit bantering and whatnot, I'll be here. And if not, it was a really fun weekend and I'll remember it fondly.

Before I make this worse, as is my tendency, I just want you to know that if you ever want to call me (not text) about this or anything else personal or vulnerable, don't be afraid to do so.

You're great. As cynical as I can be, I really do believe that everything works out.

Lane

Soooo that's that! It's done. Izzie says she hates him for breaking my heart, and Sophie says he seems very detached. Either way, it's not happening. And I feel less...just less. I feel less about it. 

Now for the GOOD NEWS!! I am fostering a litter of puppies and their mama for a few weeks until the puppies are old enough to leave their mama and they can all be adopted! There are 6 puppies, and mama is a mini poodle. The puppies are obviously mixed with a larger breed though. They all look so different! They're 5 weeks right now, and can't be adopted till they're 8 weeks. I've been so blissed out with them, despite how much work it is. I've got one in my lap right now. He just woke up from napping on my chest. :) Sooo, in short, puppies make everything better! :)

I Tanked It

I'll pick up where I left off the Lane conversation. It's very long, so that's why I'm pasting it, and it's a little bit tedious in some areas, so I apologize.

So at this point, we stopped talking for a while, because I was really pissed. I mean, he just brought up some chick he's told me about before, who he very briefly dated, not even in a committed relationship, and she ended things because she took a job in Australia, and apparently he's disappointed he wasn't given the option to continue the relationship. WTF?! Like, I'm sitting here pouring my heart out, and he says he likes me, and he's not against long distance relationships, he just doesn't want that with me. Ouch. So I start to get mad, and I know I should just leave it be, and not say anything else, but I just couldn't. I'm not going to paste what I said, because it's a bit embarrassing, but I'll give you the gist. 

I asked him if he noticed any parallels between that situation and this one, and why the fuck he would even bring that up in this conversation. And he basically was like, "If you're saying you want me to ask you to move to LA so that you can say no, I'm not gonna do that."

Again, WTF?!?! Which is what I said, exactly. Like WHY would I want him to even ask me to move there if I was just gonna say no?! And he was like, "Uh duh, I wouldn't." ((Sigh))

Then it all just kinda hit me. As many boxes as he checks for me on paper, he's immature, and very self-involved right now. And that's...ok. It is, because he's 26, and basically in the same spot I was in at his age, but clearly, he is not what I'm looking for right now. He could be, in a few years, who knows? But he's been using me as his...emotional cheerleader, every time he feels shitty about himself, or lost and confused in his life, and I've been letting him, and forming this false sense of...intimacy because of that. But really, we never talk about me. Everything is always about him. And that's not ok. It's not ok in a romantic relationship, and it's not ok in a friendship. And that's why I think I did what I did. I think I tanked it on purpose. Because at least now I know it's done, and it's not going to happen, not even in my WILDEST FUCKING DREAMS, and the only person I have to blame for that, basically, is myself. And I can live with that. 

So I'm quitting him, cold turkey. It's not going to be easy. He's already texted me once today, and frankly, I'm quite surprised he did after how crazy I was last night. Lol. He asked me some innocuous question about an improv troupe Sophie and I used to like. I didn't respond. And I don't plan on it. 

I'm officially moving on.

AAA: Austin, Alcohol, and Anxiety

Ughhhh I started typing this last night, and then got into a long, trainwreck of a conversation with Lane, which I will blog about next time. Gonna finish this one first.

This will probably be brief, because I really just wanna veg out and watch tv right now, but I figured I should hurry up and write this before I forget. So day number 1 in Austin was great. Kevin was a little too touchy/feely for my comfort level, but it was his birthday, so I let it slide. He just kept giving me kisses. We had a connecting flight in Houston with a little bit of a layover, so he bought us drinks lol. Then we got the puddle jumper to Austin and headed to the hotel. It was like 10am, but they let us check in early, so that was lucky. Then we grabbed an Uber and headed to South Congress, where we ended up at a really good Tex Mex place. We sat at the bar, did a couple tequila shots, drank margs and ate chips & queso and just talked. The alcohol helped, of course, cuz I was feeling more comfortable with him once I was buzzed. But the PDA thing was starting to get out of hand. So eventually I had to say something. I just sorta mentioned that PDA isn't really my thing, and he shouldn't take it personally. But apparently, my opinions on the subject didn't seem to matter, because he just kept doing it. But we also kept getting drunker, so my tolerance for his behavior was going up instead of down. We met up with my cousin, Lexi, that night. She's in her last semester at UT. And that was perfect, because we were at this bar, where Kevin had friends from NOLA, and I didn't know them, so with Lexi there, I had someone to talk to and hang with. We were out on 6th street, surprisingly, for most of the night. It was just so crazy being back there after all these years. I felt really old lol. But all in all we had a really good time. I did tell Lexi about how the PDA thing was bugging me, and it was just kind of...TOO MUCH, and was like, "Yea, I can sorta tell."
I don't remember the ride back to the hotel, but I was nervous about him trying something. As luck would have it though, he passed out immediately with all his clothes and shoes on lol. So I just got ready for bed at my leisure and went to sleep unharassed.
Friday morning was brutal. I didn't sleep well at all the night before, I kept having insane dreams that were startling me awake and then I woke up super early with a really bad anxiety attack, which happens when I drink. So I got up, took a Xanax and went back to bed. I was finally sleeping well when Kevin woke me up and said he had a couple friends who wanted to meet up for lunch, and we needed to get ready to go.
Now I am NOT a morning person, and I don't like being rushed. I like to take my time, drink my coffee and not talk to anyone. But here Kevin is being all chipper and pestering me to hurry up and get ready, and I felt absolutely awful. Anxiety in full swing. Surprisingly, I didn't feel hungover, but maybe that's just because the anxiety was taking over all my senses. While I was still asleep, I had gotten a text from Lane about a dream he had. I'll paste.

We sorta kept chatting on and off throughout the next couple days, not about anything relevant really. Just small talk.

Well we finally got out of the hotel and went to meet Kevin's friends, which were these 2 Australian guys on a 6 week trip across the US. He met them at his bar too, like the day after he met me lol. But they were pretty cool. Only thing is, when they met us at the restaurant, I just couldn't deal. When I'm having a full blown anxiety attack, all I wanna do is be alone, and curl up in a ball somewhere. I can't socialize, I can't go anywhere, I just CAN'T. I can't with anything. And that's how I was feeling. I was also really super tired. So I think those Aussies got a really bad first impression of me. And of course, Kevin kept rubbing my knee under the table, and trying to kiss me on the cheek and stuff...((Sigh)) After we ate, I convinced Kevin that I just needed a nap, and I'd meet them back up afterwards. So I went back to the hotel, and couldn't have been more relieved. I took another Xanax and got in bed. I was in and out for a couple hours. When I woke up I had texts from Izzie wanting to make plans for dinner, and I filled her in on my anxiety situation. She was sympathetic, and talked to me for a bit, so that helped. After a while, I started feeling better, and actually felt a bit bored. So I toyed with the idea of getting up and going back out to meet the guys. Then Kevin called and told me they were playing shuffleboard at this place we'd been at the night before, and he missed me and blabla. Then he says, "My friends think you don't like me that much." And I was like, "Damn those perceptive fuckers!" to myself of course, lol. What I actually said was, "Dude, I can't really explain this very well to you, but I was having bad anxiety this morning, and I've told you multiple times that I don't like PDA. And since when are you gonna let these 2 dudes dictate my feelings?" And he was like, "Ok, you're right."

Lane was texting me again, because I told him I was in Austin, and how our flight was at 7am the next morning. He suggested I just ride it out and not sleep, which is something you could conceivably do in NOLA, cuz some of the bars never close, but not in Austin. Then I ended up telling him the situation with Kevin.

Note that the drugs he's referring to is some pot Kevin got from some random guy the night before. I didn't participate in that though. Lane didn't respond after that, so I got up and ralleyed. I felt tons better by the time I got there, physically, but now I felt like I had to be extra affectionate with Kevin or those dudes were gonna say something. ((eye roll)) I wasn't though. I was just normal. Truthfully, I think he's a really nice guy, but just too much for me right now. And being on that trip with him just made me think about Lane, constantly, and reminded me that I'm not over him. As much as I tried to distract myself, I was texting him the whole weekend, and trying to force something that just wasn't meant to be with Kevin. Maybe if Kevin and I had met 2 months from now... I don't know. But it was starting to really bother me that he was completely disregarding my feelings on the subject of PDA, and we ended up getting in a bit of an argument when we got back to the hotel around 12:30 that night. We didn't stay out late cuz our flight Saturday was was so early. FML. 

So we had just gotten out of the Uber and he's grabbing my ass and saying, "Why won't you kiss me?" And I'd just had it! Finally! 

I pushed him away and I was like, "Look. I've been telling you this for the past 2 days, and you just don't seem to be listening. This is all too much. It's too much! We don't know each other! I mean I came here to have a good time, and we did, and that's great, but this is probably the most impulsive thing I've ever done. And we still don't know each other. And I'm just not comfortable being like that with you and you keep pushing it! It's just too much too soon. And whatever I say, I can't win, because you'll probably be mad."

And he was like, "No, I'm not mad. That's cool, I get it. I'm sorry." But of course, he looked upset. ((sigh)). So the elevator ride back up to the hotel was awkward, I went in the bathroom, closed the door and got ready for bed, and when I came out, he was already basically asleep. I set the alarm and went to bed. 

When I got up (at fucking 5:45am), I had a response from Lane. It seemed slightly encouraging, although he was probably drunk when he typed it, but I wrote back. Then nothing.

The flights home went by pretty quickly cuz we both slept through them. And when Kevin's roommate picked us up from the airport, I just kept thinking, Almost there. Almost there, as I fantasized about being alone and in my bed with my furbabies. Then finally I was home, and I just slept. ((Sigh)) Alone at last.

UpDATE

Well the date with Kevin tonight went well, all things considered. It was a little awkward initially because we were both so aware of the fact that we hardly know each other, and we're about to spend like 48 nonstop hours together. Oh, and cuz we were both sober lol. But he is pretty easy to talk to, and very sweet and gentlemanly. I will just be a bit relieved once we get passed this "I still don't know you stage".
That's what was so nice about Lane. I really do know him! And I didn't have to worry about it being awkward or uncomfortable when we were together. ((Sigh)) I still think about him a lot. I miss him. I miss our late night FaceTime's and our text conversations that went on for days. I miss just being able to ask him anything about anything and not feel weird about it. Now it's like the opposite of that. I feel like if I reach out to him, or try to put things back the way they were before he came here, it will make me seem desperate and lonely. I know I need to stop agonizing over this and move on, but I care about him a lot. And I can stop talking to him and try to put him out of my mind and go on trips with other guys but...he's still there, in the back of my mind, just waiting until I let my guard down to resurface. And the idea of being intimate with someone else so soon after him feels...wrong. It feels like I'm not ready. Which is true, I'm not. I don't want to rush into sex with the next person, whoever that may be.