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Thursday, August 2, 2007

W-O-W!

Ok...for those of you that I may have offended, I'm sorry! That really was not my intention. I guess I kind of assumed, since you all KNOW about the horrible 3 days I just had, that you would understand my mood. Perhaps I was a bit snippish. Meh... Oh well.
But I've decided that the best thing for me to do, is just keep on writing, and basically disregard the comments as far as my blog is concerned. That doesn't mean I'm not going to read them, or listen to you guys. And I really do appreciate the advice. Believe me, I need it. That's one of the things I love about writing this blog, is getting the unbiased truth from people. However, I am no longer going to directly respond to anyone's comments in my blog. I'm not trying to become the Bedroom Blog with millions of readers or whatever, so if I lose a couple along the way, I'm not gonna cry about it. And if I get more readers, great! But seriously, it's just a blog.
And I really wish you all wouldn't FIGHT in the comments! Haha.
I know I can be incredibly immature, and I probably come off that way sometimes. But honestly, I am overall, a smart and together girl, who makes mistakes just like everyone else.
Perhaps I should go into a little more depth about my life. I told myself I wasn't going to do this, but perhaps it's necessary for you all to understand me a little better.
When my ex-fiance and I broke up, I had just finished my junior year of college, and I was happy and free, and all that. But my first mistake was getting sucked into a relationship I wasn't ready for, with a guy who definitely was not right for me. He had anger issues, he was incredibly insecure, immature, irresponsible...the works! I guess the reason I was initially attracted to him was because he was a "bad boy", and the complete opposite of my ex. I'm not gonna go into the gory details, but in the year and a half that I spent with him, he became jealous, possessive, controlling, and abusive. At first it was just snide remarks like, "you need to work out more", or "I don't like you hanging out with that guy".
Before I knew it, I had alienated all of my guy friends, and I had become deeply depressed. And to top it all off, I was in denial about everything. My parents hated him, so it become me and my boyfriend, versus my parents. All my friends told me he was an asshole, and even my sister warned me she thought he could become physically abusive, but I turned a deaf ear to all of it.
The biggest lesson I learned from that, is NEVER, NEVER ignore your friends and family. They're only trying to look out for you. And they want what is best for you. I stayed with The Psycho because about 9 months into our relationship, he joined the military, and I thought it might help him to grow up and learn to appreciate me. Through his training, it seemed like maybe there was hope, but when he came back, things were just worse. He would scream in my face, cuss at me, tell me to "shut the f- up", tell me I wasn't better than him, just because I went to college...and he would push me, restrain me when we fought, twist my arms till I had bruises... It makes me sick just thinking about it.
He never actually struck me, but there were several times, when I know he came close. His deal was, he just wanted to feel like he had absolute control over me. So he'd hold me down and scream in my face until I gave in.
And we fought constantly. Right before graduation, he began pressuring me to move across the country with him and be his "little wife". He wanted me to give up my friends, my family, my career...everything. I was sooo unhappy. I can't even begin to describe... And that was where the painkillers came in. When I got my teeth pulled, I needed them obviously, but when I was taking them, I just felt like I didn't care about my crazy boyfriend, or anything else. They just made me feel...happy! I never took them as a crutch, and I was never addicted to them. Just every once in a while when I was feeling really sad or lonely, I would take one and just go to sleep.
I finally broke up with The Psycho this past April. I told him our relationship was not healthy, and that I wasn't going to put up with his crap anymore. He threatened to kill himself. SO not fair to me. Especially after everything he had put me through. Leave it to him to be so selfish...
Obviously those were empty threats, but since breaking up with him, it was like having a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I could talk to my friends again, I could do whatever I wanted! And I was happy to be moving back in with my parents actually, because I wasn't alone anymore, and I was surrounded by people who truly love me and care about me. I only just graduated in May, and I'm moving out in the next couple of months as soon as I get back on my feet. So I haven't been here too long.
As for guys, I'm trying not to settle. That's what I've always done in the past. I know it may not seem that way, but it's because as lonely as I get, and as much as I think I need a boyfriend, I don't want to rush into anything. And I'm starting to appreciate myself more, without a guy.
So I wanna date, I wanna go out with my friends, and I wanna get drunk and stupid sometimes! Haha.
This is the stuff of life.

Mitch Of The Day:
"My lucky number is 4 billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice...4 billion divided by 6, at least."

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

So yeah, I've been reading your blog and it's great! You sound a lot like me in my younger days (I just turned 25 in June). Don't worry about people that are calling you immature. They're just jerks that never had any fun in life and are now boring, angry people who read blogs all day b/c they're unemployed. My theory is this: either you party when you're young (I'm in Canada so we're talking 18/19/20, which translates into 21/22/23 in the States) or you need up bitter and trying to party when you're 30 which is usually just sad.
So, back to my point. You sound a lot like me when I was younger and I now have a kick ass career, lots of really good friends (they get better as you get older) and I own my home. So don't despair and keep up the drama! It makes for a better blog!! :)

the goddess said...

lol! i just love how she phrased it. but then again, you opened your life to the world so peyton i'm sure you're ready for the opinions of other people, good, bad and ugly. that's reality. but i'm rooting for you cuz you're honest and you have a kick-ass attitude which sadly some people are lacking.

well, to your history, i'm sorry that happened to you. but at least it didn't go so far as your psycho ex killing himself (which God forgive me would have been good riddance but then again he probably just needed a good whack in the head) or him killing you (which God forbid or we wouldn't be enjoying your blogs right now... hay...) i have a friend who had the same experience as you. the only difference is she hasn't learned. yet... well, she did break off with that guy (who's a drug addict and a drunk to boot. hay) but she ends up dating even bigger assholes (and this should say a lot about how much growing up my friend has to do). but anyway, i'm glad you learned from those experiences and it says to me you are smart. just be careful next time and don't just fall for the guy with muscles that are rippling. (hehe!) look into his eyes. you'd be surprised what you'll see with just a single glance. :)

Anonymous said...

You are a very incredible person. I applaud you on many levels, and really enjoy your blog.
Maybe in the future, you could copy all your entries and comments, and publish them in a book, call it "Dear World". I honestly think it would be a best seller. (of course, you would have to wait a while and write some more entries...)!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

hey! the blog is really interesting! you're a great writer! anyway, yea it seems like your comments got outta hand. crazy how people think they have a right to tell you what to do. they all have to be open-minded and just accept the fact that you're human, not a martyr. you're not asking anyone to do what you do, you're just being you and expressing it to the world. so props girl! keep it up!

randi said...

Good Job on what you do. You are my age, so i relate. but of course i am a divorced mommy... so i guess it isnt all the same. you live the life i would have had.. there ya go. :) keep it up girl, i am always coming back to see whats up. :)

hazeleye410 said...

I just started reading your blog today, and so far, I LOVE IT! I'm almost 22, just got out of a relationship a few months ago, and I can definitely relate to what you said in the last paragraph. That you don't want to settle. Hope everything works out for the best. Keep writing please, I think your blog is awesome :)