Reconnecting

Bethany's Mom's memorial service was on Saturday. Ali and I rode together, and met up with Cameryn and a couple other girls. The service was beautiful, and of course very sad. The worst part was seeing Bethany walking down the church aisle, arm and arm with her father, both of them crying. All of us cried. How could we not? :(

I've been calling to check on Beth every day, just to see how she's doing. Actually, it's been nice to reconnect with her, even under the shitty circumstances, but I feel like it's bringing us closer together again. Bethany's boyfriend, Tony, canceled his flight back to New Orleans, so he's still here with her, and she seems like she's doing a lot better. The 3 of us met for happy hour yesterday at a sushi place. They were both trying to convince me to go to NOLA with them for New Year's Eve, but since my lease ends that day, and my dad is anxious to pack up the U-Haul and hit the road, I don't think traveling is going to be an option for me. Which really sucks, since all my friends are going out of town for NYE. Bethany and Tony are going to NOLA, Taryn, Dahmer, Carrie, Rory and George are all going to Austin, Ali is working... ((sigh)) So as of right now, it looks like I'm going to be spending NYE alone in an empty apartment. So much for my awesome dress and sparkly red shoes I bought for the occasion. I spent a whole day wallowing, crying intermittently and generally feeling sorry for myself when I realized this, but I'm pretty much over it now I guess. At least this week I am.

Maybe I'll wear my NYE outfit to our Second Annual White Elephant Sex Toy Christmas Cocktail Party instead. We're having it tomorrow, at Ben's house, just like last year. I invited Law School again, not as a date, but just in case he wants to come. But I dunno if he will. It should be fun though. Although I will be dateless.

Things with Gavin and I have been kind of weird lately too. He keeps blowing me off and I'm getting really sick of it. I guess at this point, it shouldn't really matter anyway, since I'm moving in like 2 weeks. So I've decided I'm just gonna stop talking to him all together. Sex once a month isn't worth the frustrations he's been putting me through recently. And it's not even like I'm mad at him, or feeling rejected, it's just the annoyance of being blown off by a friend, repeatedly. Ya know? It gets old after a while.

Anyway, I'm sure you guys are wondering what happened with Todd and I, so I hate to disappoint you, but the answer is nothing. He never called. ((Sigh)) I've thought about calling him, I just...haven't gotten around to it I guess. And I know he's so busy, I don't wanna call and then catch him at a bad time, and then he never calls me back. But I did hear from Laura. She wrote me back yesterday. I'll paste.

Peyton-

First of all I am so incredibly sorry it took me this long to respond. I promise I didn't do it intentionally!Thank you so much for writing to me, I've been meaning to write to you as well just never knew exactly what to say. Anyways I appreciate your apology and I understand (as much as one could) everything that you were going through. I would totally enjoy being friends with you again. So congrats on chicago and your scholarship and I hope to see you soon :)

And again so sorry this is so late!

Btw Todd is bartending at a bar in new orleans right now and let's just say he could really use your help! Lol He looks terrified!

Laura

I was so relieved to find out she doesn't hate me, or hold a grudge against me. I immediately wrote her back.

Laura,

So good to hear from you, Laura! I'm glad you don't hate me, haha. Don't really know what to think about Todd bartending other than...why?? Lol. But thanks for the congratulations, I am really excited! MIGHT be going to nola for NYE with Bethany, so maybe I will see you! And def shoot me a text if you're gonna be out in HTown any time soon!

Peyton

So now that I know how she feels, I'm not as nervous to talk to Todd. Maybe I'll give him a call tonight...

Tying Up Loose Ends

I know I said I was going to leave Todd and Laura alone, but I just haven't been able to get Todd out of my head. I don't like the way we left things, and I've been thinking about it a lot. Especially since I'm moving. I just don't want to leave any unresolved issues behind. So I got to thinking... Obviously, my loyalty is to Todd, since he is my friend, but since he loves Laura, it's definitely a not a bad idea to get in her good graces. And I do like her, and I think she's a good person, etc. I'm just not so sure how she feels about me at this point. So I figured I should talk to her first. But how? There's just so much I need to say, and I didn't think I'd be able to get it all out over the phone. So I started writing... keeping in mind that whatever I said to Laura, she would tell Todd, and vice versa. I even thought about writing Todd and Laura at the same time, and saying everything I need to say to both of them at once, but I didn't think that would be personal enough. So I wrote Laura an email. Here it is...

Hey Laura,

I'm sure you're thinking this is weird and random, me writing to you, but over the past few months, I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I may have lost a friendship because I made a mistake...or 2 or 5... And I've come to the conclusion that I just can't keep ignoring these feelings, I have to at least try to change things.
I'm sure Todd told you everything that happened last March, and I've been basically assuming that neither of you want to talk to me anymore. I'm more than ashamed of what I put Todd through, all the bullshit, and all the drama, but I really just want you to know, that I never tried to steal Todd away from you, or manipulate either of you in any way.
I was going through a lot of stuff at the time, my parents were splitting up, I got majorly fucked over by someone I thought I was a trustworthy friend, and I was just...a mess. Todd has always been a good friend to me, as you know, and I did develop some feelings for him, but he made it very clear to me that he did not return those feelings. It was hard to accept, and definitely made things awkward between us for a while, but after several months of thinking about it, I know now that he was right about everything, of course. I do remember you asking me if I ever had feelings for Todd, and I know I lied to you. But I didn't do it because I was trying to deceive you. I just didn't want to lose your respect, or friendship, if that's what it was. I had so much fun with you at the Superbowl, and it felt like we were finally starting to be more than just acquaintances, and I didn't want to fuck that up. And I knew that nothing was going to happen with me and Todd. I just wanted to put everything behind me and move on, so I lied to you, and told you that I didn't have feelings for him. But even then, I only wanted him to be happy. Even if I didn't do the best job of showing it, I just wanted him to be with someone who deserves him, and really knows him for who he is on the inside, and loves him for that. Not his paycheck, or his status, or his fame, if you wanna call it that. I was worried for a while that he might find himself surrounded by the wrong kinds of people. People who just want to use him, and get what they can out of him. I guess I sort of feel protective of him in a way.
I was so happy when I found out you guys got back together, because you DO know Todd inside and out, you make him happy, and you love him for WHO he is, not WHAT he is. And I need you to know that I would never do anything intentionally to get between you two, or disrupt, or disrespect your relationship in any way. I love Todd, as a friend who I've known since grade school, and I know he loves you. Which is more than enough reason for me to value your opinion. And I have always liked you, Laura. I think you're beautiful, and smart, and a genuine, caring person. I don't want you to think badly of me because of any impressions you might have gotten of me in the past. I don't want you to feel like you can't trust me around Todd, because I would never try to get between you guys. And mostly, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me, because I like pretty much everyone! And I'm not a threat to you. Any feelings I thought I had for Todd, are definitely long gone.
Even though he and I haven't talked much in the past few months, as I'm sure you already know, I still count him among my best friends, and I still love him like a family member. That will never change. I just feel really awful about the way things have turned out, and I wish we could all just go back to being friends again. I'm not deluding myself into thinking things can go back to the way they were before, but I do hope they will get better than this. I'm moving to Chicago in a little less than a month, and I just don't want to leave knowing that I totally fucked up and lost 2 friends because I acted like a hot mess for 2 months. I'm sorry for any confusion, or hurt that I may have caused you. And I'm sorry for lying to you. But I hope you do know that I care about you and Todd, and even if you guys don't want to talk to me, which I will understand, I just want you both to be happy.
My hope is that we can put everything behind us, and just be friends.

-Peyton

Then I sent it.

After that I sent Todd a text message, that just said, "Todd, I want our friendship back. Tell me what I have to do to make that happen."

Simple, and to the point. And since it was already 3am when I sent the message, I figured he wouldn't read it till the next day, hopefully around the same time Laura checked her email.

I've been checking my messages all day, hoping to hear something back from Laura or Todd, but still nothing. Nothing from either of them, till about 8:30pm. Todd texted me, asking me if I had a good chunk of time to talk tonight. Unfortunately I had to tell him no, because I was at my Mom's at the time, and heading to Bethany's afterwards to bring her some cookies I made her. I explained why, and he said he was sorry about Bethany's mom and that we would get together soon. ((Sigh)) I'm really anxious about this conversation with him. I feel like I'm about to get a lecture or something. All I want is for things to go back to a semi-normal state between he and I. I don't wanna feel like a pariah around him anymore. So why am I so scared to talk to him???

What Can I Do?

Today has been crazy...

I got a call from Bethany around 4, I was getting ready for my therapist appointment. She said she had just gotten a call at work, that her mom had suffered a heart attack at work (she works in a hospital). Her boyfriend, Tony, was on his way to pick her up from work and drive her there. And of course, she was totally freaking out, and nervous, and upset. I tried to calm her down, and reassure her. Her mom is the director of surgery, she'll definitely get the best doctors and the best care, and she's young, so she has that in her favor, etc...

Then Tony pulled up so she had to let me go, but I told her to keep me posted on everything. So I went to therapy, and at the end of our session, I was getting out my phone, to check my calendar, when I saw I had a text from Bethany.

"My mom passed away."

I was so shocked I had to sit back down. All I could think about was how awful she must feel, and how that could be me, that could have been my mom. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I immediately called her as soon as I left the building. She seemed numb, deadpan, and it was obvious that she'd been crying. I asked her what happened, and she said that her mom had been in meetings with doctors all day, everyone said she seemed fine, and in a good mood. Then in the middle of her meeting, she started having what looked like seizure. She was shaking and her eyes rolled back into her head, and then she went into cardiac arrest. Of course, being in a room full of doctors, they immediately sprang into action and she was in ICU being prepped for surgery moments later. The surgery turned up no blockages, or anything that could have caused her heart attack. It's a total mystery. But she was weak afterwards, and on life support, which could only sustain her for about an hour, until she finally passed. Luckily Bethany was there by that time. I didn't ask if she got to say any goodbyes, or talk to her. I just still can't believe it.

I told her if there was anything she needed at all, just to name it. And she said she was ok, and with family, and she'd call me back later.

After that, I called my mom, just to tell her I love her.

I talked to Bethany 4 times today, since it happened. The second time, she balled, and said she just didn't know how to process it. And the 3rd and 4th time she seemed detached once again, clearly in shock.

I've never had anyone close to me die. And I can't even imagine losing a parent. Especially at 25. Omg, I would lose it. My heart goes out to her completely. I just don't know what to do, or what to say, really. I mean, I can't really relate, and I'm not going to pretend to understand what she's going through. I guess all I can do is be there for her really.

Please everyone keep my friend's family in your prayers. Bethany has a brother, and her mom and dad were still together, and were very much in love from what I understand. I imagine her father is taking it horribly. Bethany even mentioned moving back home to be with him.

I just wish there was something more I could do. Does anyone have any ideas??? I'm totally clueless when it comes to this stuff. ((Tear))

A Much Needed Night Out

I dunno if I mentioned this before, but Taryn has a new boyfriend, who I have playfully nicknamed Dahmer (inside joke, lol). Anyways, he's super cool, and fun, and nice, yada yada yada... He's definitely good for Taryn, and the fact that he's gotten her to settle down really says something to his character. But anyway, Thursday night we all went out. Since I haven't been working during the week, I've had a lot of spare time, but not a lot of spare cash. But Dahmer convinced me to go up to my bar Thursday and meet him and some of the gang to watch the Texans game. Taryn was working, but scheduled to get off around 11, at which time, we would head out for a night on the town. So I steeled myself, and my wallet, and agreed. Then he insisted on coming to pick me up, so we could share a cab. So I pulled out my silk, skin tight, ruched purple skirt, and my favorite black suede wedges, put on a some mascara and a smile and I was ready!

Dahmer arrived right on time, told me I looked smokin' and opened the car door for me. I couldn't help but blush. It reminded me how long it's been since a guy has picked me up, opened the car door for me, and told me I looked pretty. And even though he wasn't my date, it still felt nice.

When we got to my bar, Bethany was there with her boyfriend, and Cameryn, and the rest of our group was already there hanging out at the bar. So I settled in at the corner of the bar with the group. It was about 9:30, so Taryn was still working, and the bar was crowded with rowdy Texans fans. I guess now would be a good time to introduce a couple new characters. Since Taryn and I have been hanging out a lot more over the last couple of friends, I've kind of melded into her group of friends, which are all pretty cool. First there's Carrie. She's one of Taryn's best friends from back in the day. She was living in Spain up until recently. She's super fun and crazy, and hilarious. The 3 of us always have a blast when we hang out. There's also Rory. He's a big, lovable bear of a guy. Super sweet, and chill.

And then there's George. Ohhh George. He's sarcastic and funny, but he has this...mean streak. Well maybe that's not the best word for it. He just gets into these pouty, brooding moods, and no matter what's going on, nothing can pull him out of it. And he and I tend to butt heads a lot. We like each other, but since we're both so sarcastic, he gets touchy sometimes with me, but I'm used to it by now.

And Dahmer, of course, but I already told you about him. So anyways, all of us were there last night, hanging out, having a good time. Dahmer bought a round of shots, then George did. And Cameryn had a celebratory bottle of champagne since finals week just ended, so I had a glass of champagne. So far, no money spent, yay! And I'm starting to feel a bit of a buzz, having a grand time, when I see Mitchell walk in.

"Hey!" I said to him. He walked over and gave me a hug. As we were hugging, over his shoulder I saw a short, dark haired head do a double take and make a beeline for the opposite direction: Melissa.

I couldn't have been tickled more. Nothing is so satisfying and amusing as her avoiding me the way she does because she feels GUILTY. Lol.

Apparently her new boyfriend is a friend of Mitchell's, so she was with their group. And Mitchell was hanging out with us, not in a hurry to escape to the opposite side of the bar, like Melissa was. It was just so...perfect. Her seeing me there, with my friends, laughing it up, having a fabulous time, and acting completely oblivious to her existence.

She wouldn't even turn her head in my direction if she thought I might see her. Even though I did, a couple of times. She just looked so pathetic, sitting at this little table by herself, off to the side, because she was too afraid to come over and join the group. Hahahahaha. Seriously, I think that made my night.

Of course, we didn't stay there, we went to a couple other bars afterward, and had an awesome night. And the best part? I only spent $4 on a cab ride home. :)

Plus, I just found out today that I'm getting a $10,800 scholarship for school!! Totally wasn't expecting that! Although after looking at the tuition cost, it doesn't seem like that's making much of a dent. But I can't complain about free money! Now I just have to find a place to live, and get some loans. ((Sigh)) So much to do, so little time.