((Sigh))
It's been 4 weeks.
Since we broke up.
Last Wednesday, I went into work, and put in my 2 weeks. I was completely honest. Told him about the blowout between Brandon and I and that I just...thought it was best if I removed myself from the situation. And Mr. S. was really cool about it.
Until Thursday, when he called me and said the management thought it was "best if we parted ways now" and not to bother coming in for my 2 weeks, cuz they already got my shifts covered. Something about a conflict of interest...
Obviously, I was devastated. Spent another 2 days balling my eyes out.
Then on Saturday, I went to Austin.
I guess I was hoping things would still be what I'd hoped for. Fun, excitement, distraction, escape... Maybe a cute boy to kiss.
But it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I had fun! And it was good to get away. But there were no cute boys to kiss. And no distractions. At least not any to get me over this hump.
And now I'm back. And nothing has changed. My life is exactly the way I left it.
And I don't feel any better about it.
And you know what, I can't help that I'm hung up on Brandon! It's not like I'm enjoying this! It's not like I chose this! But I was in love with him. I hate to admit it, but I still am.
How do you just go from spending all your time with someone, being best friends, being in love, to just...nothing?
Nothing.
I want nothing more than to be able to move on, and stop thinking about him.
((Sigh))
I try so hard.
I just can't.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The End
Brandon and I finally talked last night.
A friend of mine who works at a bar near by told me she had seen him the night before, and that he told her we broke up, and it was "all me" and that he was sad. I flew off the handle and texted him. Asked him why he would tell people that I broke up with him when it was complete bullshit.
We texted back and forth for a while. Then he finally called me.
I yelled on the phone with him for a good 15 minutes.
I can't even remember everything that was said.
I don't even wanna try to remember.
All I know is that I feel so...alone.
He really just...doesn't want me.
I guess I've sort of been in denial about it all this time. Hoping that maybe there was some other underlying reason. But I've been lying to myself.
He said it was there once, but it's just...gone.
He said a bunch of other really hurtful things to me too. But then, I said some mean things as well.
After our conversation ended, I sent him a text that said,
"You know...I really wish I could feel better about all this. But for some reason, I still feel like I've lost something precious to me, even though you don't feel like you've lost anything. I honestly wish things didn't have to end this way."
And then he wrote, "I lost you!"
"No you didn't. You didn't lose me. You threw me back."
"I can't do anything to make it better!"
"You're right. There really isn't anything you could do to fix this. Ever. That's why this is so hard for me. But...I honestly believe that I could have made you happy, if you would have just let me."
"I'm sure you have have, but I fucked up too much with you"
I didn't respond to that one. Then he wrote back again.
"Peyton...I don't want you out of my life!!"
"Then you shouldn't have cut me out of it."
"I know I have me to blame for that."
That was the end of it.
I'm so heartbroken. All over again.
Why did I have to love him??
I'm putting in my 2 weeks when I get to work today. No deals, no persuading me to stay. This is it. I have to remove myself from this situation once and for all.
A friend of mine who works at a bar near by told me she had seen him the night before, and that he told her we broke up, and it was "all me" and that he was sad. I flew off the handle and texted him. Asked him why he would tell people that I broke up with him when it was complete bullshit.
We texted back and forth for a while. Then he finally called me.
I yelled on the phone with him for a good 15 minutes.
I can't even remember everything that was said.
I don't even wanna try to remember.
All I know is that I feel so...alone.
He really just...doesn't want me.
I guess I've sort of been in denial about it all this time. Hoping that maybe there was some other underlying reason. But I've been lying to myself.
He said it was there once, but it's just...gone.
He said a bunch of other really hurtful things to me too. But then, I said some mean things as well.
After our conversation ended, I sent him a text that said,
"You know...I really wish I could feel better about all this. But for some reason, I still feel like I've lost something precious to me, even though you don't feel like you've lost anything. I honestly wish things didn't have to end this way."
And then he wrote, "I lost you!"
"No you didn't. You didn't lose me. You threw me back."
"I can't do anything to make it better!"
"You're right. There really isn't anything you could do to fix this. Ever. That's why this is so hard for me. But...I honestly believe that I could have made you happy, if you would have just let me."
"I'm sure you have have, but I fucked up too much with you"
I didn't respond to that one. Then he wrote back again.
"Peyton...I don't want you out of my life!!"
"Then you shouldn't have cut me out of it."
"I know I have me to blame for that."
That was the end of it.
I'm so heartbroken. All over again.
Why did I have to love him??
I'm putting in my 2 weeks when I get to work today. No deals, no persuading me to stay. This is it. I have to remove myself from this situation once and for all.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Let's Make A Deal
Wow. Less than an hour after I wrote my last post, I called Bethany, she called her manager/bar owner, and got me a job. They want me to start next weekend! Of course, Bethany told him that I still need to put in my 2 weeks. So then I went up to work to talk to Mr. S. Cameryn was in the office too.
I told them that I didn't want to quit, but that I had another offer, and I'm not making enough money, living paycheck to paycheck, etc. So I asked if I could just change my availability to only working during the week.
But then Mr. S. told me that now would be a really bad time for me to quit, with football season about to start, and that they gave me a really good schedule next week, blabla...
I told him I wanted to be able to pick up shifts at one of the other bars, and he said he'd bring it up in their manager's meeting tonight, but that the reason I've stayed there, is because he thinks I'm a good fit there in particular. I come in ready to work, with a good attitude, and I'm outgoing, etc...
And I told him that I could still be good at the shot bar or something, and that it's been especially hard for me here lately, having to work with Brandon. And he said he understands, and that he's been trying to separate us. I said not to worry about it, it's my bed...I have to lay in it.
But he said no, it's still a work issue. ((Sigh))
Either way, what started out as me going in to give my notice, and request off next weekend, turned into a 30 minute bargaining session, in which I gave in and decided to give it one week.
ONE WEEK.
I'm still going to meet with Bethany's manager tonight though. I'll just have to tell him that I'm not available to work for 2 weeks because the schedule has already been made. But...I'm serious about this Brandon thing. I can't do it anymore.
Greg was there working when I came out of the office. He says I shouldn't let Brandon have the satisfaction of knowing he made me quit. But you know what? I don't care. Why should I stay there just to spite him? I'm the one that's going to be better off by leaving. The only person that's hurting is me. And I just need to get out of there. Besides, it'll be fun working with Bethany and Summer again. ((Sigh))
I just don't know how I'm going to tell them.
I told them that I didn't want to quit, but that I had another offer, and I'm not making enough money, living paycheck to paycheck, etc. So I asked if I could just change my availability to only working during the week.
But then Mr. S. told me that now would be a really bad time for me to quit, with football season about to start, and that they gave me a really good schedule next week, blabla...
I told him I wanted to be able to pick up shifts at one of the other bars, and he said he'd bring it up in their manager's meeting tonight, but that the reason I've stayed there, is because he thinks I'm a good fit there in particular. I come in ready to work, with a good attitude, and I'm outgoing, etc...
And I told him that I could still be good at the shot bar or something, and that it's been especially hard for me here lately, having to work with Brandon. And he said he understands, and that he's been trying to separate us. I said not to worry about it, it's my bed...I have to lay in it.
But he said no, it's still a work issue. ((Sigh))
Either way, what started out as me going in to give my notice, and request off next weekend, turned into a 30 minute bargaining session, in which I gave in and decided to give it one week.
ONE WEEK.
I'm still going to meet with Bethany's manager tonight though. I'll just have to tell him that I'm not available to work for 2 weeks because the schedule has already been made. But...I'm serious about this Brandon thing. I can't do it anymore.
Greg was there working when I came out of the office. He says I shouldn't let Brandon have the satisfaction of knowing he made me quit. But you know what? I don't care. Why should I stay there just to spite him? I'm the one that's going to be better off by leaving. The only person that's hurting is me. And I just need to get out of there. Besides, it'll be fun working with Bethany and Summer again. ((Sigh))
I just don't know how I'm going to tell them.
Quitting
Last night, after my piano lesson, Bethany and I had plans to go out to dinner and a movie.
Afterwards, Taryn texted me asking if we wanted to go have a drink with her. So we met her at our bar.
Where Brandon was sitting at the front of the bar. Between 2 girls. I excused myself to go to the restroom. I can't be around that.
As we were leaving, I saw them exchanging numbers.
I cannot deal with this anymore.
I'm quitting my bar.
Afterwards, Taryn texted me asking if we wanted to go have a drink with her. So we met her at our bar.
Where Brandon was sitting at the front of the bar. Between 2 girls. I excused myself to go to the restroom. I can't be around that.
As we were leaving, I saw them exchanging numbers.
I cannot deal with this anymore.
I'm quitting my bar.
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