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Monday, April 6, 2009

Secrets

Tonight me and Brandon and a group of our friends had plans to go to this body art party hosted by Tuaca. But, for some reason, everyone ended up flaking out so Brandon showed up at my place around 11. I had fallen asleep in bed, waiting for him to get here. 
When he did, he got into bed with me and laid down next to me. We talked about our days, and just chatted casually. I was happy, he was happy... Everything was fine!
Then I asked him, "Do you wanna be with me?" in a joking manner. I can't remember what we were talking about, only that we were laughing. And he hesitated. I sobered up immediately. He hesitated.
"No." He finally said, still smiling.
"What??" I asked.
He sighed. "I'm being dead serious."
I abruptly sat up.
"Then why are you with me?? When were you planning on telling me this??" 
"Tonight." He said.
"Tonight? Even if I hadn't asked you that, you were planning on breaking up with me?"
"...Yea. He said.
"Why?" I asked, tears welling up in my eyes.
"Because...it just...has to be this way. You're just gonna keep going around in circles." 
"What are you talking about?!" I asked, desperation creeping into my voice.
He sighed again. "You keep asking me questions, and you're just gonna keep hitting a wall. And I just can't be with you right now. It's not fair to you."
"What you mean you can't be with me right now?? What the hell are you talking about??!"
"Look. I can't give you a reason. It's just...what I'm doing right now...it's...I can't tell you. And I won't be able to be with you all the time."
"I know you can't be with me all the time! I don't expect you to be! But...what is it that you're doing??"
"I can't tell you. No one knows. No one. It's too deep for you."
By this point, I was starting to get freaked out.
"You're making no sense." I said. "Is it something bad??"
He shrugged. "It could be."
"Is is something illegal??"
He shrugged again.
"Are you in trouble?? Is anyone going to get hurt?!?" I asked, frantically.
"No, I'm not in trouble.  And no one is going to get hurt."
"Well then what?! What does it have to do with??? Golf? Your dad? Drugs??"
He just sighed and shook his head.
I started to cry.
"So...you're breaking up with me, and you're not even going to give me a reason??"
"This doesn't affect you! It has nothing to do with you." He said.
"Yes is does! It does affect me! And it has everything to do with me! What you're doing affects me in a big way, Brandon. You're breaking up with me, and you won't even tell me why!"
"Because I can't."
"No, because you won't."
He looked up at the ceiling. We were still both sitting on my bed. And he still had half a smirk on his face. It was making me sick.
"Do you not think this is a big deal at all???" I asked.
"I'm trying not to make it a big deal."
I halfway laughed, and shook my head. Then I turned to look him in the eye.
"Get out." I said.
He sat there, frozen. I could see the hurt in his eyes.
"Get out!" I yelled.
"Fine." He said quietly, and he got up to go get his things together.
I broke down and sobbed. I didn't care that he could hear me. I was so confused, so hurt, so...crushed. Why was he doing this to me?? What could possibly be so important, so "deep" that he would want me out of his life??
I got up and walked into the other room as a thought occurred to me.
"What am I supposed to say to people??" I spat at him, "That you just broke up with me for no reason!?? That you refused to even tell me why??"
"What would you say?" He asked.
"That you're an asshole, and you have some big secret that you won't tell me, and because of that, you can't even give me an explanation as to why we're breaking up! "
When I looked up at him, I saw that he had tears in his eyes. If this was hurting him too, what was he keeping from me? And why??
"If I tell you the truth, then what are you gonna tell people?" He asked.
"I don't know! But don't ask me to lie for you now. I will not lie for you unless you give me a good reason to. So as of now, I'm telling people the truth." I said, angry tears spilling down my cheeks.
"I'd rather people think that I'm an asshole, than know the truth." He said, putting the last of his things in his bag.
"And what about me??" I asked. "You don't care if I think you're an asshole??" 
"Yes, of course I do! But...what am I supposed to do!?"
"Tell me the truth." I said.
And finally, he did.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Aw, such a cliffhanger. That's not very nice.. I hope you're ok, though. Truly. I can tell how much you love him.

DDgirl said...

ARGH big cliffhanger on one of the worst days of my life...
Peyton, is this true or fiction? Very nice entry anyways

delizcious said...

Wow. I can't wait to read more.

Nic said...

I was feeling so sad for you and then you leave us with a cliffhanger.

I hope that now he told you he can't use it as a reason to keep you away because it doesn't affect you. You know now, you're involved.

Hope you are ok.

Ashley said...

So, what is the truth? And why is he being such a douche bag about being with you? This "truth" has to be pretty good...

Jadeny said...

Woahhh major cliffhanger. I hope you are doing ok.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness!

Back and forth it seems for awhile now. But in all honesty, that text between you two went on and on and on. You could have said a few things quick and easy on the phone and a condensed version so he don't think you are a drama queen. As people get older they learn to state facts simply and move on with the conversation.

Good luck sincerely!!

K said...

OMG?! I feel like i'm watching a TV show... what'd he say?! I'm so sorry you are going through this again.

Anonymous said...

APRIL FOOLS!