Thursday, April 30, 2009

Just the Right Amount of Light

Tonight after work, I was sitting at the bar counting tips, and one of our door guys, Greg, who happens to be a mutual friend of me and Brandon's was sitting next to me. We started talking, just small talk mostly, but we got on the subject of Brandon. And he started telling me about how him and Brandon talk about a lot of stuff, including me. And when I asked what is it about me that they talk about, he said,
"Well, you know, just that he really loves you, and he really loves golf."
"Well I know he really loves golf." I said.
"He loves you too. Trust me." He said, reassuringly.
"No. He doesn't." I said flatly.
"Yes he does. He's told me plenty of times. He just...hasn't told you because he's scared."
"That's a load of crap. All guys say they're too scared."
"Well, he's never been in a real long-term relationship before."
"Yes he has!" I countered.
"Not like this."
"Well, not only has he never told he me loves me, he's actually told me that he doesn't love me."
"What??" Greg seemed surprised.
I sighed, "It's a long story. He was trying to break up with me, and we were sort of arguing."
"Well...from what he's told me, he just said that ever since you guys went to New Orleans, and you had that tragedy happen, things have never been the same."
"Yea, because that was the first time I told him I loved him, and he apparently freaked out." I said.
"He freaked out?"
"Well, I didn't know it at the time, but apparently!"
"Well he does love you. He's told me. He just hasn't found the courage, or the right time to tell you yet."

I'm pretty sure I've never written about Greg before, but I've always loved him. He's one of those really sweet, down to earth guys who doesn't act like talking about feelings is gay. So we've had quite a few after work heart-to-hearts about Brandon, work, family, and just, life in general. He gives good advice. And him and Brandon get along great cuz they're both potheads. Lol.

So I was really thinking about everything he told me on my drive home, and it just got me thinking. I've known for the past couple of months that Brandon must love me. I mean, little things he does, and the way he's trying to make things work; that tells me that he doesn't wanna give up on us. So I've been able to deduce his feelings for me. But to hear them from his mouth would make me feel so much better. And to hear them from someone else is something completely different entirely. In a good way though. Because it least he's not denying his feelings to himself. I just don't understand why I'm the only one he's denying them to. ((Sigh))
And then I was thinking, ya know, we really have been through a lot in just 6 months. And the ride isn't nearly over. My mom is having her surgery tomorrow, er, today actually, and if something goes wrong, or they find more cancer, then I'm really gonna need Brandon to lean on. Regardless, I'm going to need him. But it all just brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. It's been such an emotional roller coaster, and he really has been great through it all.
And when I think about my moments of doubt, my moments of wondering what would happen if I pursued Todd? I've been forgetting to add something to the equation: Love. If Brandon told me he loves me, that would change everything! I would know without a doubt how he feels, and everything wouldn't feel like such a risk anymore. I've been unknowingly holding out because I'm still a little bit scared that he'll never love me. I'm scared because I go to sleep asking myself, "Why can't he just love me back??" Why does loving someone have to be so hard?

But after what Greg told me, I have renewed hope. It's a light at the end of a long, dark hallway. Just the right amount of light to guide me through to the end of the hallway, so that I don't have to turn around and go back the way I came.


Anonymous said...

Is this a fictional blog? It sounds exactly like K, in the Bedroom Blog.

Peyton said...

NO! I'M A REAL PERSON!! And it's funny that you mention that about Bedroom Blog, because I've noticed it before too, the freaky similarities between our blogs. In fact, I even wrote about in once, in one of my posts. But now it's just starting to bug me. I mean I hate that our boyfriends have the same name, and now her mom has cancer too?? Although, please notice, I've been writing about my Mom's cancer since like...September of last year. And K only just found out about her mom. So clearly, I did not "steal" anyone's idea. I mean I know it's practically ridiculous to think that an actual writer would be copying me, but *I* have nothing to copy! This is my life!! I just write what happens.

Anonymous said...

Also, if you (Peyton) were fictional and did read the Bedroom Blog, you probably would have the sense not to copy it. Don't worry about it. K obviously isn't creative enough to even come up with her own plot.

Anonymous said...

I know you have once, as I've been reading your blog from the very beginning. But it's just strange, how even now, they're still relatively the same. I wasn't asking that to make you angry, or something. It's just, sometimes you post fiction, too. I don't really remember the titles to those. Either way, thanks for answering the question. And I'm really happy for you and your family that the operation went well. I hope she gets better soon. (Oh, and by the way, I prefer to read your blog anyway :))

Peyton said...

Oh, I wasn't mad at your for mentioning that in your comment! Not at all. It's just a little frustrating. And actually, those "fictional" posts you mentioned from earlier, I know exactly which ones you're talking about. And they aren't fictional. They're real!
They're some of my most memorable moments, and I had read about them in an old journal and wrote them all down here, just...for fun I guess. It's weird how perspective changes over the years.