Wednesday, April 8, 2009


After a long night Monday with Brandon, I was exhausted when I woke up for my opening shift on Tuesday. Plus, my allergies have been flaring up again, so I took some medicine before work. That was a horrible idea! I felt groggy and out of it practically the whole night. Around 8 o'clock 2 guys came in, and one of them was pretty hot. He was tall and had the shaggy, 2nd day scruff thing goin' on. Anyways, I waited on them and talked to them for a bit, since it was my last hour of work. And we got to talking about my trip to Europe, and my photography business. Then he mentioned he'd like to see some of my photographs.
"Well I have a website!" I said, "Oh! Better yet, I'll give you a business card!" I said.
I always get superpsyched to give out my business cards, I dunno why. Lol. So I gave him one, and that was that.
Then when the end of my shift finally came, I waved goodbye to the guys as I walked by.
"I'll call you sometime." The hot guy said.
Without even thinking, I gave him a thumbs up. It wasn't until I was getting my things that I registered what he said.
Oh no! He thought I was giving him my number! I really just wanted to give him a business card because I thought he wanted to see my photos!
But then I thought, Oh well, most of the time guys don't call when they say they're going to anyway. And what's the harm in giving a hot guy my business card?? It's not like I'm cheating on Brandon or anything!
But as I drove home, I started thinking about Brandon, and his...extracurricular activities, and the hot guy, and what if this, what if that... It was enough to make my head spin!
As soon as I got home, I called Todd. I know I swore to Brandon that I wouldn't tell anyone what he was doing, but I know I can trust Todd not to tell a soul.
We talked for about 30 minutes. I explained the whole situation to him, and he listened well, as always. He told me that if it was him, he'd get as far away as possible, but also that he's a lot more conservative than most people. He warned me to be careful. And he asked me if I saw myself marrying Brandon.
"I don't know." I told him, "At this point it's too hard to tell because...what I see is potential. If we had more time together, and if he wasn't so busy all the time, things could be great, maybe even perfect. And maybe then I could see myself marrying him. But...it's not like that. So I just don't know."
What I do know is that I care about Brandon a lot. But I also care about Todd a lot. As a friend, and as possibly more. And I do sometimes wonder about other guys. But I also worry about letting Brandon go, even if it's only for a little while, to let him mature a little, do his golf thing, and free up some time for me. Because what if someone else snatches him up?! And then I'm too late! Because I really think Brandon and I could be happy together in the future. I just wish we could get all this other shit out of the way.
Why does everything always have to be so complicated??


Jen said...

OK.. well.. Here's my view. If you're thinking about Todd in more ways then just a friend, then in my humble opinion, Brandon isn't right for you. At least not right now. Though I'm not saying go for Todd, b/c that might ruin a good friendship. I have to agree with Todd about distancing yourself as far as possible from Brandon's 'side business'.

Things you gotta ask yourself.. "is he worth going to jail for?" "is he worth losing everything for?" Cus just think.. who's gonna hire someone with a felony 5,10,20 yrs from now if you do get dragged down with him?? As you say, you're "just a bartender", do you always want to be "just a bartender?" I know you care about Brandon, but still.. you have to watch out for you and is he really the best choice? If you had just met Brandon, and found out about what he's doing, would you have even started dating him? Probably not, right? I think it might be a good idea to distance yourself from him until he's completely out of the situation.

Also, you mentioned being worried about him finding someone else while you 2 take a break.. ever heard the saying, release someone, if they return it was meant to be, if they don't.. they weren't yours to begin with?

Good luck with everything! I hope you make the right (and safe) decision. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh honey.. Really, your best bet would be to run! I know it hurts to think about moving on and potentially losing him, but it's in your best interests to GET OUT!

Anonymous said...

you are setting yourself up by talking to todd (who you potentially have feelings for) about your relationship with brandon. it's not the same as confiding in a girl friend. think about it. how would you like it if branden was confiding in one of the girls he used to have feelings with about your relationship?

Anonymous said...

"Why does everything always have to be so complicated??"

Because you make it!

Anonymous said...

Hi Peyton,
I just discovered your blog, after a link was posted on Bedroom blog. All i can say is i am so addicted. I spent 2 days catching up on all your blogs and WOW your life is definitely busy haha.I really appreciate how honest you are, i guess that comes from being an anonymous blogger.

But keep on keeping on, i do have a piece of advice do you really want your life to have so much drama, with Brandon doing the weed thing and i can tell you a life involved in drugs in anyway is dangerous and ultimately doesn't end well for anyone.
My cousin was addicted to pot for 1 year, she was my best friend and then she changed, mood swings, yelling at you for no reason now she is coming good after 2 years... I know Brandon is not actually doing the drugs (well that you've discussed) but i would get out. AND PLEASE TELL TODD HOW YOU FEEL LOL. He seems like a lovely and it could be a story book romance.. Good luck Thanks heaps for letting us in your life..