Movin' On Up!

Ok, so I don't really have any justification for why I talked to Brazil last week. I wasn't trying or hoping to achieve anything really, I just...wanted to talk to him! But his whole "woe is me" tact actually really turned me off, and I think that actually I may have inadvertently given myself some kind of closure. I haven't spoken to him since then, or even thought about speaking to him. In fact, I haven't been thinking about him nearly as much at all. So maybe it was stupid of me to talk to him, but in the end, I think it actually did me some good.

I've been staying busy lately, as always during the school year, and this week is going to be packed. Tomorrow night, I'm getting a tattoo. My first tattoo! I'm really nervous, but also really excited! I'm not going to tell you guys what it is, just that it's script. Two words. You can try to guess though, that might be interesting, haha. Sophie and Katie are coming too, and Katie is getting a tattoo as well! Sophie isn't though, she's just coming for moral support, and you know, in case I pass out. Lol. I have a track record with needles...
So me and Katie were we were having lunch, talking about our tattoos, and planning out when we're gonna meet tomorrow etc, and we got on the subject of roommates. She currently doesn't have one, but she was saying she needs one for next year, and I was like, "Dude...*I* need a roommate for next year!"
So we're totally gonna be roomies! I'm so excited! For one thing, it'll be nice to be able to decorate our place with our own style. Dane has this place decorated so...boring and boyish. And since it's not my home, I would feel weird hanging any of my stuff anywhere besides my bedroom. Also the bathroom. Living with guys has been great overall, but I'm really looking forward to not having to share a bathroom with a dude!! UGh... And you all know how I feel about Dane's girlfriend...
So Katie and I are gonna get a place probably sometime in August, which is perfect! I'm so excited, and so relived because I knew I was going to have to move out soon, but I had no idea who I would live with, or how I'd be able to afford living alone. Plus, Katie and I get along great, we're both photo students, and we have similar lifestyles, etc... It's gonna be great!

Bill and I were supposed to hang out this Sunday, but I was bogged down with homework, so I asked him for a raincheck, and he said sure. We've been texting every day and all that, but this time I think I have all the cards. For one I'm not nearly as invested as I was last time he and I went out, or whatever. Also, I'm very skeptical of him now, and after what happened with Brazil, I know I can never be too cautious. And thirdly, although I initially texted Bill with intention of using him as a  sort of rebound, I think I am starting to get over Brazil, and I've gotten some closure, so I think I'm in the perfect place mentally for dating. I don't feel so...desperate (for lack of a better word) to find someone (read: boyfriend) and I'm not in a hurry to jump into anything like I may have been with Brazil. And I'm gonna make Bill work for it. If he's not that into me, then fine, I'll just stop talking to him. But this time around, I'm definitely gonna make him pursue me. No hanging out at his place, watching TV. That never seems to lead to anything good...
So I'm doing alright you guys. I'm movin' on up.

I Caved

It was 2:15am, I was laying in bed with my laptop open, just feeling kind of melancholy and lonely, and he was there. On facebook chat. The only person online. I debated back and forth with myself for about 10 minutes. I typed "Hi" then I deleted it. Then I typed "Hey", but I didn't send it, I just left it there in the chat window, hoping he'd sign off, or maybe something would distract me. But I just kept thinking about him and I couldn't stop myself...I hit enter.

Me: hey

Brazil: hey

Me: how are you?

 Brazil: how have u been?
not so great

Me: oh?

Brazil: n u?

Me: good i guess

Brazil: good, thats good

Me: yea...i mean i've just been really busy not really time for anything besides school, work and swimming
which is probably a good thing

Brazil: yea, i had a pretty tough week too

Me: how come you're up so late?

Brazil: im having trouble sleeping lately

Me: how come?

 Brazil: im anxious

Me: about what?

Brazil: i just feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, sad, all of the above...
u know same old me

 Me: no, i don't know

Brazil: im really glad ur doing good, though
that gives me some peace of mind

Me: i didn't message you to give you peace of mind

Brazil: oh no?

Me: the only reason i'm doing "good" is because i'm forcing myself to be ok

Brazil: whats wrong?

Me: because there's nothing i can do to remedy this situation
in fact, just by talking to you i'm pretty much breaking all my own rules
but...
i dunno

Brazil: i know how it feels, trust me

Me: i don't think you do
mr. "never been dumped"

Brazil: i feel like an ass, an idiot
no? what was stephanie ?

Me: a reality check?

Brazil: right

Brazil: i guess i deserved it

Me: maybe you did
i wouldn't know
everything happens for a reason, i know that
you have to choose to not play the victim
that's exactly what i'm doing

Brazil: if ur trying to cheer me up, its not working

Me: sorry
i wasn't trying though so...maybe i'm not sorry
i just think you need to develop a thicker skin maybe
sorry if that sounds mean
it's hard to not be...resentful towards you, even though i'm not trying to be

Brazil: thanks, thats all i needed tonight
listen,

Me: well if you want me to feel sorry for you, you're asking the wrong person

Brazil: let me just type this for a second

Me: ok

Brazil: u have all the right to hate me, to have no sympathy for me. I deserve it. Im upset, cause i was trying to make things right and i just get more fucked in my own shit. Im just tired of being hurt, and hurting other people. You dont deserve a guy like me, it was bad timing of myself, i should have known better, i feel AWFUL that i let you down, i really do. So if u wanna say how much of a dick I am, i can take it, and I deserve it. Im really sorry peyton, the last thing i wanted was to cause you pain. I respect you, and you can do so much better

Me: that's bullshit

Brazil: idk what to say, i just want to shut my brain off

 Me: do you how much WORSE it makes it when i guy says, "you're too good for me"???
that's like...the worst thing someone can say
"you're so great, but i don't want anything to do with you. sorry! i'm sure you'll find someone better!"
right

Brazil: see? i just make it worse
its not YOU

Me: you keep saying you respect me, but
you know what
nevermind

Brazil: YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM HERE

Me: i don't think you're a dick
i WISH i thought you were a dick
if i thought you were just another asshole i wouldn't give a shit
tell me something though....

Brazil: ok

Me: what do you mean you were trying to make things right? right with you? or right with Stephanie?

Brazil: no, listen
my thing with stephanie is not going anywhere

Me: yea thats what you said when i first met you

Brazil: well it isnt

Me: and don't you know that we're ALL tired of being hurt??
everyone has been fucked over in a relationship at some point
some people, like myself, get it more than others

Brazil: what do you want me to do?

Me: but everyone has been hurt before
what do you want to do?
i'm just telling you that that's a normal part of adult life..its unavoidable. it's no reason to self-medicate or anything

Brazil: i just dont know anymore, i cant make anyone happy. I cant forget her, even though i know she's a selfish bitch. I hurt someone i dont want to hurt. No one is happy! NO ONE, not me, you or her. everyone i get involved with it turns to shit it means I am obviously the problem
dont u think i dont lay my head at night and think about this?
dont u think i think about this shit 24/7?

Me: if you really believe that you are the problem then fix it
i'm not saying i believe that
there is never just one person to blame

Brazil: i wake up thinking about it, i go to sleep thinking about, i shower thinking about it
all day long i cant wait till i go to bed so i can stop thinking

Me: thinking about what exactly?

Brazil: n i dream about it too sometiems
all the shit ive done
that i got myself and everyone into

Me: i have dreams like that sometimes

Brazil: yea do u know what its like to not have peace of mind, at all?

Me: yes

Brazil: hoping u fall sleep do it wont hurt anymore?
longing for the day to be over when u wake up?

Me: i don't think you understand what it's like to be almost 28 years old, no closer to finding what you want out of life than you were 10 years ago. it's like…the last 10 years of my life have been completely pointless! you're only 25 AND you're a guy. you have plenty of time to figure your shit out find someone you want to be with. I don't. i just keep getting older and less desirable. and i'm still in school, surrounded by a bunch of 19 year olds, and i...
it got to the point where i couldn't be even in the same goddamn state as my ex. and now i'm just questioning all the decisions i've made… i mean wtf am i really doing here?? i just keep finding myself in the same fucking situations. ((Sigh))
thats what *I* think about in bed at night
among other things...
all sorts of stupid "what if" scenarios
mostly about you
and about last year

Brazil: oh, so ur far from home ah? do u think i left cause it was fucking paradise there?

Me: this doesn't feel like home to me though
you said it does for you
and you came here for completely different reasons than i did
why are you arguing with me about this?
i don't think i ever even told anyone that before

Brazil: im running away from a lot of things down there too
and btw, ur far from getting less desirable, get real.

Me: i am being real
guys my age don't date girls my age

Brazil: if u were not attractive id never hang out with you

Me: they want girls who are 23

Brazil: and i am picky as fuck
what?

Me: its true

Brazil: then u dont want those gusy
guys*

Me: most guys are just wasting my time anyway

Brazil: i like older women, cause they know their shit. pedophiles like girls, i like women

Me: whatever
well i like MEN
what difference does that make? so far i can't seem to tell the difference between men and boys till it's too late

Brazil: i'll tell u this

Me: if you're going to compliment me, don't

Brazil: no im not

Me: good maybe now you understand why i don't take compliments well

Brazil: i didnt want to keep seeing you, cause i was trying to act like a MAN, and accept the fact i need to get my shit together before i start seeing someone else
i know i am a man, cause im brave enough to speak my mind, thats the diffrence
so take that as a note for the future

Me: and hows that working out for you?

Brazil: listen, im going to bed

Me: i guess there's just a part of me that really believes you're going to just meet someone else and start dating some other chick, and all this bullshit will have been for nothing. and that really drives me crazy to think about.

Brazil: acting like a man, means u have to make decisions that are tough on my own, but in the long run are for the best. For know u just have to accept its gonna suck, and u have to take it. so im taking it, and trying to be a man.

Me: well then i guess i've been a man for quite some time now

Brazil: it goes the same about being a woman its more about being an adult id say
im going to bed now
im sorry about everything, i really am goodnight.

Me: i haven't forgiven you yet. and for that, i'm sorry.
i will eventually
goodnight

It Could Be Worse

Well I think I'm over the crying part, but I'm still listening to Taylor Swift and Jeff Buckley and thinking about Brazil constantly. ((Sigh))
I just miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss looking forward to seeing him on the weekends, and of course I miss the sex, but that's not what's killing me. It's that we got along so well, we had a lot of fun together, and things were just...easy. It wasn't like we had to try hard, ya know? But now he's just gone. Absent. This missing piece of the puzzle. Apparently it's a piece that's always been missing, I just didn't realize it till recently... :/
In my sudden craving for a rebound guy, I texted Bill the other night. Remember Bill? The tall guy from my improv class, we went out on like 1 real date, but then I strangely never heard from him again? Well...we've been texting pretty much ever since. He even said we should hang out. But I'm not trying to rush into everything. I'd forgotten how funny he is though! Brazil wasn't funny, and neither are most of my ex-boyfriends now that I think about it.... I like having someone to laugh with. Someone really actually funny. Bill is really actually funny. Lol.
Anyway... I've been spending a lot of time lately with Katie and Abbie. Not at the same time, but you know they're like my 2 best girlfriends here at the moment, and that's definitely what I need. Abbie couldn't believe the shit that went down with Brazil. She actually met him, unlike any of my other friends. But that's only because he would come into the bar when we were both working. But I've been having fun just doing girl things. Mostly shopping... I'm realizing I have a stress-induced shopping habit. But oh well, at least I don't smoke cigarettes or eat in my sleep. It could be worse? I got some really great steals on some outfits for spring too, so I don't have any complaints.
I came across this song the other day, and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. One, because it's Foo Fighters and they're one of my top 3 favorite bands of all time, and two, because it's like it's literally about me. It's weird because I've listened to the song many times before, I just never really listened to it, before now...

I should have known that it would end this way
I should have known there was no other way
Didn't hear your warning
Damn my heart gone deaf

I should have known
Look at the shape you're in
I should have known
But I dove right in
One thing is for certain
As I'm standing here
I should have known

Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt

I should have known
I was inside of you
I should have known
There was that side of you
Came without a warning
Caught me unaware

I should have known
I've been here before
I should have known
Don't want it anymore
One thing is for certain
I'm still standing here
I should have known

Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt

No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
I should have known

Maybe you was right
Didn't want a fight
I should have known
Couldn't read the signs
Couldn't see the lie
I should have known

Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
To leave us all in debt

I should have known.

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I Guess This Is How It Ends

Brazil:

Listen,

I dont know who told you that, and Im not gonna kill myself trying to find out. that person is either misinformed or is trying something with you. Anyway, did I talk to stephanie recently? yes. Do I still have feelings for her? yes.

I have nothing but respect towards you, and I would never do something to hurt you purposely Peyton. Im not that much of an ass hole. If I wanted to, id have never mentioned the name of stepahnie, but i was always trying to keep you updated of what's going on, being honest.

It kills me you're hurting now because of me, it really does.You are a great girl, with a big heart You might not believe a single word im saying here, but i was really trying to make things work with you, and I really enjoyed alll the times we were together. I never meant to cause you pain, and i hate that everything is ending like this. I am a mess now, obviously not ready to start dating anyone, and I am sorry i frustrated you and made you waste your time. I was trying to make something work with someone new, and did not allow myself sometime to digest what happened in my last relationship.

I just want you to know I am very sad and bummed too, It was never my intention to hurt you...

I hope someday you'll forgive me, and maybe could be my friend. I understand if you dont.



Me:

((Sigh)) Ok, let me start by saying that I'm not mad anymore. And I don't want to scare you off or put you on the defensive, I just want to talk to you. I don't want to argue with you, or go back and forth about this, but just to clarify I am not mad at you for mentioning Stephanie to me. I am upset, because you were not completely honest with me about what was really going on between you and her. I thought I made it pretty clear how nervous it made me to be seeing you, full well knowing you were still hung up on her. That put me in a really horrible position because my feelings for you were getting stronger, and yet there was this constant nagging possibility of you just jumping ship to get back with Stephanie. But you told me that there was no chance you would get back together with her, because you knew she would treat you the same way again. And I took your word for it, because I had no reason not to. When Valentine's Day came and went and I didn't hear anything from you, I wasn't upset that you didn't text me or call me to wish me happy Vday, but I definitely did think about you, and I definitely did wonder if you would be thinking about her, or talking to her or seeing her. I guess it's my fault for being so naive.
I haven't been misinformed about anything, and to be honest, I'm not mad at you. I'm just really hurt, and really disappointed. I know you keep saying that you weren't using me, but the truth is that you were. Whether or not you realized or intended it, you were using me as an emotional resting place, a warm body to fill your time, and your bed, while you tried to work everything out in your head.
I'm a pretty perceptive person, and I've had a lot of experience with guys who lie, guys who cheat, guys who play games and have manipulated me. I'm not saying that you are any of those things, but it's taught me quite a bit over the years, maybe even made me a little paranoid, definitely made me very jaded. I know I seem "tough" as you like to say, but as you can see, I have a pretty good reason for coming across that way. I definitely don't feel tough now. I just feel like shit.
I *want* to forgive you, in fact, I wish I could just forget all of this ever happened. I care about you more than I even realized at the time. But now it just seems like you're more concerned with finding out who said what and when, than actually confronting the issue and dealing with it.
I'm sorry if I was mean, and yelled or whatever the other night. I know I have a tendency to scare people off by intimidating them and shutting down. But that was not how I wanted that conversation to go. I was hoping you would have taken that opportunity to just explain everything to me, instead of getting all defensive and denying everything.
I'm not dumb, [Brazil]. I'm actually pretty smart. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together. All this time you've been doing a lot of talking, and I've been doing a lot of listening, but I don't think you really learned all that much about me. So if you want to sit down and talk like rational adults, I'm all for that, but only if you agree to be 100% completely honest with me about everything. And of course, I will do the same. I won't judge you, or get mad about anything you tell me. We haven't been exclusive, and it was your prerogative to see other people. But I can't deal with lies, [Brazil]. That's where I have to draw the line, because how will I be able to trust you?? I haven't kept anything from you. And I feel like I've been really patient, and tried to understand your point of view, and the situation that you were in with Stephanie and just be supportive about everything. Have I not?
If you don't wanna talk, and you think this is just for the best, then that's fine. But if that's the case, then I think we should just cut off all communication. It will be easier that way.

Brazil:

Let me be very clear. I spent valentine's day alone. Mostly cause i had class that tuesday night. Second, because I did not feel comfortable enough spending valentine's with you cause i think that its a commitment by itself. For the record, yes, i was bummed that i was not with stephanie during that day. Just so you know, even if i wanted to, she was in Ohio doing training for her work. I know this cause she reached me every day while she was there.

The talks i have with her are mostly around this topic: She wants me but not as a boyfriend, and I always reply saying im not gonna be used again. It goes back and forth. there's a lot of shouting, finger pointing and very hurtful arguments. There was no sex, i wont be used like that again. You can believe this or not, but that is the truth.

IM not keeping anything from you Peyton. If i thought u were stupid i would have not seen you for all this time. i Also cant see this working anymore, not as long as i completely get over this devil that haunts me. I need time for myself.

I could never fall in love with anyone else, if i dont get over this first. Thats what i was trying to do. I was always attracted to you, and you made me laugh, you're beautiful, and you are funny too. It is reaching the point that im so anxious that im almost cracking up walking down the street. It is ridiculous how this affects me, idk if told u this before but Im even going to therapy because of it (please keep this between us).

I would be more than surprised if something between me and stephanie ever worked. I dont trust her, she has some very serious issues, and even though I tried helping, she has a problem and cant open up about shit. She will never be what i want her to be. Again, this is not your problem and I should not be bothering you with it.

Im not gonna go witch hunting here, to find out who told you this. All i want is for you to forgive me for wasting your time. It was an honest mistake, I was seriously trying, but I am all fucked inside. You deserve so much better than me, this is really bad timing and unfortunate.

Again, I am more than willing to talk to you at anytime as well, Id like for us to have the best relationship as we can possibly have. I just dont wanna hurt myself or anyone else anymore. It's been a really bad winter, and I cant wait till this bad period ends.

Me: you're being a bit vague. 
that is, it seems like you contradicted yourself a couple times, and i don't know what you actually mean

Brazil: what do u want to know?

Me: i want to know what you mean.
first you wrote "i Also cant see this working anymore" and then, "All i want is for you to forgive me for wasting your time" but then you said "Id like for us to have the best relationship as we can possibly have" which basically negates the first 2 things, so i'm just really confused
the only thing i know for certain is that you need to be alone for while
*a while


Brazil: what i was trying to say, is that yes I need to be alone for a while.

and

I dont want you to hate me forever, and think im a player, liar and cheater. You're the kind of person i want to keep close, even as just a friend (even if thats impossible for now)

I dont think im ready to give what you expect from me, aim towards a relationship

im not a scumbag

Me: i know you aren't

ready i mean

but i

am not going to just suddenly be your friend either

this isn't a business transaction

i mean...

Brazil: i dont think it is

Me: I don't know what you want me to say...
forgiveness is one thing, but an apology doesn't change the past. it doesn't undo the damage that's already been done

Brazil: this might be wrong time to say this. but I really really like you, and i respect you a lot. Do i like you more than as friends? Of course. I just dont think im ready to be dating anyone for now
and the last thing i want is to hurt you again, like i just did

Me:  you are where i was a little over a year ago

which is why i am so familiar with this situation
why do you think i ended up halfway across the country??

Brazil: what happened?

Me: it doesn't matter

Brazil: please tell me

Me: i don't really feel like it

Brazil: ok

Me: what difference would it make anyway?

you aren't ready to be with someone. you know it. and i know it.

but i am, or at least i was...

Brazil: true

Me: So that puts us on 2 different trajectories

Brazil: i agree

i just need to be able to fall in love again, but for that i need time

Me: so i think we should should just....go our own ways
love?! lol
don't count on it

Brazil: what?

Me: nevermind

Brazil: whats wrong with that?

Me: i guess you're not as incapable of moving on as you think you are

Brazil: im not saying ur in love with me, if that's what ur saying

Me: NO lol

thats not what i was saying

i'm saying that you still believe in falling in love, and assuming that, in having someone fall in love with you in return, you know, simultaneously

in my opinion, that doesn't happen in real life

Brazil: yeah, i believe in that

it happened to me

twice

Me: love is a word often used loosely

Brazil: to me love, is when you wnat to be wtih a person all the time, and would do anything for them

thats how i see it

Me: well, i don't really wanna talk about love

in fact, i think maybe we should just end this conversation before it gets...

i dunno

Brazil: weird? lol

i understand

well, if you ever feel like calling me, txting me , or talking to me, please do. Im never gonna shut you down, I just need some time for myself. Im sorry about everything, about this mess.

Me: i'm a little...emotionally unstable right now. i don't want to be held accountable for what i say.

Brazil: So am I. You're an incredible person Peyton.

Me: i hope you don't think i'm ok with this. nobody is skipping off into the sunset.

stop complimenting me

it doesn't matter what kind of person i am

in the end

does it?

Brazil: skipping to the sunset?

i didnt get that

Me: it's just an expression.

Brazil: well, alright. i hope u have a good night..

Me: right
i sure will

Brazil: what should i say? im not mr.happy here too ok? this sucks for both of us. i feel like a fucking asshole. i should just stop talkign now.... bye, sorry


God...I'd forgotten how much this hurts. How could I ever forget something like this?