Changes Are Afoot

Ughh I know I've been so bad at this. It's hard to find motivation to write, when everything seems so stagnant, and/or depressing.
I've been struggling financially and also with trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I love doing photography, but I'm not making enough money. My mom keeps trying to get me to take up bartending again, but I just can't. It would feel like a big step backwards, even if it would help me out financially. And the fact that I'm paying exorbitant amounts of money on my student loans every month, loans towards an education in photography, which I'm proud to say I'm actually pursuing, it would just seem like a total waste to pay back that money with earnings from a BARTENDING job. Ugh... I know everyone struggles with identity crises and financial issues, and everyone does things they don't like or don't want to do to survive. But how do you know what's worth it??
I've applied for personal assistant jobs, art gallery jobs, other kinds of photography jobs... Nothing has come through yet, and I'm barely treading water. ((Sigh))

Anyway, the thing that led me here today, the reason I was actually inspired to write is because I do have some good news. I met someone. And he's different. I know, I know, they're all "different"...
But he is difference because he makes me laugh. He makes me laugh with the weird, silly things he does and says. He doesn't seem to care if I might think he's deranged, or a total freak, but I don't think those things, because the weird stuff he does and says makes me laugh! And I think to myself, Seems like something I would do. And he's confident, but not cocky. He makes a plans for our next date while we're on our current one. He kissed me on our second date, but it was a quick, almost chaste kiss. And it just continued to build from there. And I find myself thinking about him more and more, wanting to be with him more and more... But I'm trying very hard to resist my usual tendency to jump in with both feet. I don't wanna get ahead of myself. I spent the night at his place for the first time last night. And I didn't sleep with him. He definitely tried, but I kept redirecting his efforts until he finally asked why I was being so "squirrelly". Lol. I said because I didn't want to have to tell him that I wasn't going to sleep with him tonight. He asked why, not in a petulant way, but just in a curious way. And I said because I want to err on the side of caution, and he said he respects that. Things still got a bit hot and heavy after that, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it and wasn't seriously tempted to sleep with him anyway. ((Sigh)) He was just as rough as I like it, and the way he kissed me it was like he was devouring me, it was just so...sexy. Ah!!
This morning we woke up super early because his room is so bright. He got up and started making coffee, but I didn't stay. I felt terrible leaving Jasper home alone, and I knew I was going to need a nap. I never sleep well the first night in a new guy's bed. Especially when there wasn't even sex! So I basically spent this entire day in bed, intermittently eating donuts, and constantly thinking about Brett, wanting to text him, but not doing it. We did see each other several times this week, so a little distance is probably healthy for a day or 2. He has been pestering me about coming over to my place but... My mom and I decided to tear up the carpet in the living room last week (there are hardwood floors underneath) so it's a total disaster area! Plus, my sister is out of town, and I'm watching her cats, and Brett doesn't know I have 2 cats. He knows about one of them, and Jasper, but...lol. I'd rather just sorta ease him into the zoo that is my life. But really it's just too messy over here right now. And his place is SOOO neat it barely looks lived in. He's an architect and he built and decorated the whole place himself. I'm afraid he'll come over, see the state of chaos I live in and go running for the hills. ((Sigh)) All the more reason for me to want to get my shit together.
Ohhhh what to do, what to do...

John

When I saw him across the patio, I immediately jumped up from the table, and ran over to talk to him. After a while, he left his group and joined ours. We spent the day discussing feminism and politics and everything under the sun while sipping cocktails. As the sun made its way down the sky and day turned into evening, it felt like everything was simultaneously speeding up and slowing down. I thought to myself, I think I really want this now. Finally. And once I acknowledged that, I just let it take me, the way a river current carries a raft. 

It ended up being just the 4 of us, watching HBO and eating takeout pizza till midnight. And then as we all started to fade, they retreated to their room upstairs, I made my way to the guest room downstairs, and he made himself comfortable on the couch. 

My mind was racing as I brushed my teeth and dressed for bed. I wasn't 100% sure if it was a good idea, but I still wanted to. So I turned out the light, climbed into the bed, and reached for my phone.

"Are you coming?"

And then he was there, beside me, stolid and warm, and yet I felt somewhat remote, and apprehensive. He didn't say much at first, but then, "Do you like to be touched?" and I said it depends on the touch, and the person. He told me to lie on my stomach, and I did, and then I felt the light brushing of his fingers against my skin - my back, my arms, my neck, in my hair, sending tingles and gooseflesh spreading in waves to the tips of my fingers. I sighed and relinquished my doubts. 

"Is this ok?" He asked, and I rolled back over towards him and kissed him, softly at first, then more deeply. He responded in kind, and even though I couldn't see his face, I could feel the strength and tenderness, the tentative yet eager hunger with which he applied himself. It started out very slowly, just the kissing, my fingers in his hair, his hands cupping my face. And then he was leaning over me, unhurriedly pulling my shirt over my head, and dipping to kiss my neck, breasts, stomach, and then my mouth again. I don't remember the last time I felt so desired for myself, not just my body. It was in the deliberate way he undressed me, like he didn't want to rush so as not to miss anything, and the way his hands caressed every inch of me, as if his fingertips were his eyes, and the way he lingered over me with kisses. It was so...intimate. And so deferential. I could feel him asking without ever using words if it was what I wanted, as if he was ready to stop at any sign of mistrust or trepidation.

The sex itself wasn't the best I've ever had, but it was everything else! I'd forgotten what true intimacy really feels like. Having that deeper connection with someone, and just letting go of everything and giving yourself over to that person. I didn't want it to end.

Afterwards I fell asleep with my head on his chest, with one of his arms around me, and the other lightly brushing the hair back from my face. It was entirely peaceful. It felt...right.

I was sad to see him go this morning, and I thought...Who would have thought that after all this time, it could be so intense, so passionate, so...easy? But then again, I can't imagine it being any other way, really.