Good Riddance?

So today, I get to work and I go to check my schedule. Low and behold, I only have TWO shifts next week! And I obviously can't live on 2 shifts a week. So I immediately text Mr. S to find out why. He's usually pretty receptive to any questions we have about schedule, since he's the one who makes it. Well he responds and tells me to ask Mr. P. So I texted him as well. Here's our conversation...

Me: Hey, how come I only have 2 shifts next week? Am I in trouble or something? Just wondering...

Mr. P : You are leaving in 3 weeks. I have to distribute the shifts to employees who are staying.

Me: I don't think that's fair at all. Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I won't work as hard. And especially now; I could really use the money.

((No response for a while))

Me: I feel like I've really given a lot to you guys, and it just kinda seems like you're punishing me by taking away my shifts for that reason, which, I'm not gonna lie, and I know you don't really care, but that hurts my feelings.

Mr. P: I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't agree with that. And I also don't think that you are the hardest worker I have or the one with the best attitude.

Mr P: I think we have always been fair with you also. You will be gone in three weeks, and my other employees will not. Shifts are tight, [our Washington Bar] changed hours.

I didn't even bother to respond after that. I was just so upset. And I still am! I mean, he's treating me like I'm gone already! And I don't think it's right what he's doing. I mean, when I am actually gone, then he can give my shifts to the other employees, but as of right now, I am still an employee, and he has no right to take away my livelihood for that reason. And why did he have to throw that shit in about me not being the hardest worker with the best attitude? WTF was even the reason for that?? I never claimed to be perfect. And it's funny, because off the top of my head, I can name at least 3 people, with better schedules than me, who either A) slack off all the time, while I bartend circles around them, or B) complain and bitch constantly, or C) ALL OF THE ABOVE. And I don't do that shit. I come in ALWAYS on time, ALWAYS prepared, I work hard, and do my best, despite the fact that my ex is now my manager, among other things... I just do my job to the best of my ability! So why does he have to throw that in my face? To rub salt in the wound?? Oh, well here's your shitty schedule for next week. But you're leaving, and you suck anyway, so just deal with it.

!?!?!?

((Sigh))

So of course, after our conversation the last thing I felt like doing was working. I was so close to just walking out and never coming back. Except that I really, really need the money! I have to register for school next week, and I have NO IDEA how much that's going to cost. I'm already stressed out enough as it is. I could cry. I probably will. I'm thinking about talking about it with Mr. S, despite what Mr. P said. Maybe he would be more willing to work with me.

((Sigh))

I feel under-appreciated, brushed aside, already forgotten. I might as well not even be here anymore.

A Clean Break

Hey guys,

Someone asked me a couple questions on my last blog, so I figured I would take the time to update you on those things.

1) Law School.

Things with he and I are actually totally back to normal. Which is awesome. We don't talk as much as we used to, but that's mostly because we're both so insanely busy all the time. But he still comes in the bar from time to time, and we hug and catch up. So everything with he and I is great.

2) As for Todd, I wish I could say the same...

I called him once, at the beginning of the season because he suffered an injury, and I had heard it was serious, and I just wanted to see how he was doing. Turns out his injury wasn't as serious as the press was making it out to be, which is good. But our conversation was shallow, and brief, and neither of us talked about any of the issues. Neither of us has tried to contact each other since then either. It's not that I don't want to. I mean, I still really care about him, love him and miss him... But I just don't know what he told Laura, and I know he's not one to keep secrets from her. So I think it's safe to assume he's told her everything, which most likely means she hates me. Or at the least, she isn't comfortable with me and Todd's friendships, and she certainly doesn't want to be friends with me. So out of respect for her, I just...I don't wanna say I gave up, because I will always value Todd's friendship, but at this time, we're just going to have to be friends from a distance. Sometimes I think about sending her an email, explaining everything, or asking her to meet me for coffee. But I know she would tell Todd everything I say, and he might think I'm trying to stir up shit again or something. I dunno...

Now that I'm moving, I've kinda gotten this idea in my head that I'm just going to leave everything from my old life behind, and start completely fresh. Which means I'm not going to stress about Todd, and wonder if he and Laura hate me. And I'm not going to try to mend things, because if he wanted to be my friend, he would have given me a call when he was in town, but he didn't. It's sad, but I'm resigned to this fate I guess. I'm just ready to make a clean break.

Accepted

Little Black Dress for New Years Eve: $80

Sparkly Red Shoes, to wear with LBD on NYE: $70

Thin, Black, Sequined Headband for NYE: $7

One Pair of Hudson Jeans: $135

Getting into the School of My Dreams: PRICELESS

I GOT IN!!

...And then I did some shopping, obviously. Lol. Chicago is great! I love it already.It's not as intimidating as NYC, but just as exciting, and much more accessible. And I've already found a new favorite on-the-go cafe: Wow Bao. They have these sticky dough pastries filled with all kinds of delicious things!

I also saw like the hottest guy ever on the train today. Unfortunately I couldn't get on that train, because it was packed. But we made eye contact, and he winked at me. :)

Now I just have to find an apartment. The search begins tomorrow.

Here's Why

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I apologize if I worried anybody, I just needed a serious break, to just be introspective, and collect my thoughts I guess. But the urge to blog has bitten once again, and I know once I move, and have a lot to say and no one to talk to, I will start blogging more regularly.

Things here in Houston are just...not working out from me. I feel like I can't get out from under this...I don't even know what it is. I feel like I've been labeled "Brandon's ex girlfriend" and I just don't wanna be that anymore. I mean it's not that people think of me that way, it's that *I* think of me that way. And it doesn't help that he's now the assistant GM at my bar (Mark was let go) and I've been seeing more and more of his slore girlfriend. So much so that I had night after consecutive night of dreams about him/her/both of them...ugh. It's like I'll take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. There's no getting over this. And I don't understand it. This has never happened to me before. I have never struggled so much to move on from anything.

I just don't belong here anymore.

And since I decided to move and go to school in Chicago, there have been ups and downs. For one, I feel really good about this move, and I think it'll be the shove that I need to get my head above water again, and finally breathe some fresh air. I won't have to worry about seeing some semblance of Brandon around every corner. There are just too many memories here. Painful memories. And since I've never been to Chicago, I know I won't have to worry about that happening there. Plus, I applied to a school there, a really good school, to study photography, and I'll know within the next 2 weeks if I'm accepted or not. That will also help me to move on. Going back to school, doing what I love, having something to work towards.

The bad things are the stress. And the mourning. And the anxiety. I've never in my life had so much anxiety. I had an actual anxiety attack in the middle of the night last week. I woke up suddenly from a bad dream (I was at Brandon's wedding. And yes, he was marrying her) with this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like butterflies, but not the good kind. It was like a hard little ball of coiled up nerves, deep inside of me. Like I needed oxygen, but no matter how many deep breaths I took, it wouldn't go away. And it stayed with me for 48 hours! Luckily for me, I saw my therapist within that 48 hours, so that helped. But the strange thing was, I don't even know what it was that triggered this anxiety! I mean I couldn't really pinpoint one specific thing. It's just everything. Leaving my friends, and my family behind, moving all the way across the country, to a place I've never been, worrying about getting accepted to school, finding an apartment, moving in the dead of Chicago winter. ((Sigh)) Just thinking about it gives me heart palpitations. Not to mention the fact that every time I tell someone I'm moving to Chicago, the first thing they do is spout off all these negative things...it's too cold, it's too windy, I'm going to hate it there, etc... Why do people have to do that? Can't someone just say something positive for once?! Don't you think I'm freaked out enough already without all this shit!??! G's...

So anyway, this is a little bit of what's been happening.

My Mom just got her own apartment.

My Dad is online dating...ugh. Mostly bimbos too from what I've seen.

Brandon is now my manager. Which REALLY REALLY sucks.

Taryn is like my new best friend. We hang out at least twice a week, which has been awesome. She's fun, a great loyal friend, and NO DRAMA AT ALL!

I hardly see Bethany anymore now that she has a boyfriend, but also since we've stopped hanging out so much, the level of drama in my life has dramatically decreased.

Jenna got engaged last month. And I'm in the wedding, which is in April. She and I have been spending a lot of time together, which is cool, but I'm really gonna miss her when I go.

I'm going to Chicago on Saturday, for the first time ever, to tour the campus and look for apartments. I'll be staying with Sophie and Brent.

Oh! And Harry Potter World was AMAZING! I can't WAIT to go back! They have literally the best ride I have EVER been on at any theme park.

Sooooo that's what's been going on. I haven't back read any posts, so if I'm missing anything, or if you guys have any questions, feel free to ask, and I'll do my best to fill you in.

53 Days

I'm starting over. Finally. Leaving this life behind, and starting a totally new chapter. In about 53 days, I move to Chicago.

Then I will blog again.