Update From The Waiting Room

Thank GOD there are computers in here, cuz 10 hours of sitting around with the family can become very...stiff.
The good news is, my Mom is done with her surgery. They're just sewing her all up. Roughly a thousand sutures, so it takes quite a while. But the surgeon came out and told us that everything went smoothly! I'm so relieved! Of course, we do have a few more weeks before she's out of the woods completely. They have to do a biopsy of the tissue they removed and make sure all the cancer is gone, and then make sure the blood vessels all continue to work, you know after being reconnected and all. ((Sigh)) I'm just so...relieved. I can't even begin to express how relieved I am! I hardly got any sleep last night; as you all know I was up writing in the wee hours. And then I had to get up and drive to the hospital at 7:30am!
But it's almost over.
It'll be about 4 hours till she wakes up, once they finish. Then about 4 days in recovery till she can go home.
They're gonna come get us in 25 minutes and we can finally see her!!!

Ok, now I just wanna vent about something real quick. Someone left a comment on my last post asking if this is a fictional blog, cuz it sounds "just like bedroom blog". And I just wanna say, that I haven't really read K's blog in a week or so, but I just got caught up and I was literally fuming when I finished reading "Inside My Head"!
It's annoying that she and I have so many similar things in our blogs. Except, I can't control what's happening in my life, and what I write about is real!!
And the way K is "handling" the situation with her mom's breast cancer just really pisses me off. I mean I know she's not a real person, but I'm still mad at her! She's making this completely about herself when it's not. And she needs to get over her selfish, immature attitude and be there for her mom, instead of making it another issue that she and her boyfriend have to get through. It makes me fucking sick. Seriously. Get over yourself K.

Well that's all I have to say on the issue. If you guys are fans of Bedroom Blog, great! I read it too; it's very addicting. Just keep in mind that while our blogs may deal with similar issues, they are nothing alike.
I'm real.
She's not.
End of story.

Just the Right Amount of Light

Tonight after work, I was sitting at the bar counting tips, and one of our door guys, Greg, who happens to be a mutual friend of me and Brandon's was sitting next to me. We started talking, just small talk mostly, but we got on the subject of Brandon. And he started telling me about how him and Brandon talk about a lot of stuff, including me. And when I asked what is it about me that they talk about, he said,
"Well, you know, just that he really loves you, and he really loves golf."
"Well I know he really loves golf." I said.
"He loves you too. Trust me." He said, reassuringly.
"No. He doesn't." I said flatly.
"Yes he does. He's told me plenty of times. He just...hasn't told you because he's scared."
"That's a load of crap. All guys say they're too scared."
"Well, he's never been in a real long-term relationship before."
"Yes he has!" I countered.
"Not like this."
"Well, not only has he never told he me loves me, he's actually told me that he doesn't love me."
"What??" Greg seemed surprised.
I sighed, "It's a long story. He was trying to break up with me, and we were sort of arguing."
"Well...from what he's told me, he just said that ever since you guys went to New Orleans, and you had that tragedy happen, things have never been the same."
"Yea, because that was the first time I told him I loved him, and he apparently freaked out." I said.
"He freaked out?"
"Well, I didn't know it at the time, but apparently!"
"Well he does love you. He's told me. He just hasn't found the courage, or the right time to tell you yet."

I'm pretty sure I've never written about Greg before, but I've always loved him. He's one of those really sweet, down to earth guys who doesn't act like talking about feelings is gay. So we've had quite a few after work heart-to-hearts about Brandon, work, family, and just, life in general. He gives good advice. And him and Brandon get along great cuz they're both potheads. Lol.

So I was really thinking about everything he told me on my drive home, and it just got me thinking. I've known for the past couple of months that Brandon must love me. I mean, little things he does, and the way he's trying to make things work; that tells me that he doesn't wanna give up on us. So I've been able to deduce his feelings for me. But to hear them from his mouth would make me feel so much better. And to hear them from someone else is something completely different entirely. In a good way though. Because it least he's not denying his feelings to himself. I just don't understand why I'm the only one he's denying them to. ((Sigh))
And then I was thinking, ya know, we really have been through a lot in just 6 months. And the ride isn't nearly over. My mom is having her surgery tomorrow, er, today actually, and if something goes wrong, or they find more cancer, then I'm really gonna need Brandon to lean on. Regardless, I'm going to need him. But it all just brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. It's been such an emotional roller coaster, and he really has been great through it all.
And when I think about my moments of doubt, my moments of wondering what would happen if I pursued Todd? I've been forgetting to add something to the equation: Love. If Brandon told me he loves me, that would change everything! I would know without a doubt how he feels, and everything wouldn't feel like such a risk anymore. I've been unknowingly holding out because I'm still a little bit scared that he'll never love me. I'm scared because I go to sleep asking myself, "Why can't he just love me back??" Why does loving someone have to be so hard?

But after what Greg told me, I have renewed hope. It's a light at the end of a long, dark hallway. Just the right amount of light to guide me through to the end of the hallway, so that I don't have to turn around and go back the way I came.

Extra Extra!

Omgosh this week has been so crazy.

Sophie and Brent are here. My mom's surgery is tomorrow. I can't believe it's happening already. Please, everyone, keep her in your prayers!

This past Sunday, Todd got drafted into the NFL!!! I'm so happy for him, and so proud! And the best part is, he won't be too far away, so I'm sure I'll be making a couple trips this year to go and see him.

Last week, Emma got into town, and we've hung out a couple times since. And thankfully, we've just fallen back into our old groove. It's so nice, because I was a little worried that things might be awkward in Europe, but now I know that everything is going to be fine, and we're going to have a wonderful time!

And finally, we just opened a new bar! By we, I mean, the bar I work at. Evan and I just got back from there actually. I wanted to try out the food and the specialty drinks. The bar looks amazing. It's super swank! And Bethany and I are having our joint birthday party there in 2 weeks! It's gonna be awesome! I can't wait!

((Sigh)) I've been meaning to write the last couple nights, but I just haven't really been inspired. You know, to set some time aside and really write. I've just been so crazy busy and my down time has mostly consisted of entertaining guests. 

Tomorrow is going to be a long day, and night; most of which will be spent at the hospital. Then Friday, it's back to work. Ugh... But I really shouldn't complain, cuz I desperately need the money. 

Well, that's really all I have time for right now, cuz I gotta get ready for work. I just wanted to update you all on what's going on. Bear with me for the next week or so, cuz it's gonna be tough with my mom in the hospital, and family in town. I'll try to write as soon as I can!

6 Months!

Sorry it's been a while since I've written. It's been a pretty hectic week.
First, I want to address some of the comments you guys have given me. I really appreciate everyone's advice and helpful anecdotes. But I think maybe I've been...I dunno. I don't wanna say harsh, because I know some of you think I make too many excuses for Brandon, but you all have to keep in mind that these are my thoughts. And obviously, they can be pretty one-sided, and biased. Sometimes what I think one day, and what I think the next day, are completely different! Brandon and I have been having a rough patch, obviously. And one reader pretty much hit the nail on the head with her comment. Brandon has been really overwhelmed, and we're still learning to find a balance in our relationship. But the good news is, it's getting better!
Today was our 6 Month Anniversary! And it was absolutely amazing. Brandon came over right after work. We had plans to go out to dinner at 7:30. I was still getting ready when he came over. I finished getting dressed, in a gauzy white skirt, and purple button-up halter, and then I walked into the living room, to find a beautiful bouquet of tulips on my coffee table in a pretty diamond shaped vase. I couldn't believe it! I mean I wasn't expecting flowers, or anything like that! Just a nice dinner and some quality time. So I was totally floored by the flowers. They smell amazing and they look so pretty in my living room! They really brighten everything up. And I smile every time I look at them. I thanked him with several smooches and then we headed out the door.
We went to a quaint, little Italian restaurant in the neighborhood. It's very picturesque with it's white linen table clothes, and the porch style patio with trees leaning over it. We sat outside, ordered a bottle of wine and had a wonderful meal. After we finished, we were both feeling a little tipsy, and a little frisky ;) so we decided that a couple more cocktails were in order. Next stop, a little brewhouse down the road.
As we were driving there, Brandon got really quiet. I looked over at him, and he turned to me and said,
"Peyton, I know everything sucks right now, and I'm sorry. It's probably gonna suck for the next couple of months. But I just hope that you'll stick around, because when this is all over, things will be different. If you just wait it out, I promise it will be worth it."
I sighed, "Well, don't worry. Cuz I'm not going anywhere yet."
He made another comment about reaping benefits and I teasingly asked him if this included lots of gifts. He laughed and said if I stick around long enough, there will definitely be gifts. He's such a sweetheart. I know he may not be the perfect boyfriend, but what matters to me is that he cares, and he tries.
After our next few drinks, we finally decided to go home. I mean I couldn't wait to get his clothes off, and from the comments he was making, I could tell neither could he.
As soon as we got the door unlocked, he whisked me in the bedroom and we had the most amazing sex we've had in a long time! Although, I must say, our sex life has also dramatically improved in the last week. Ever since I confronted him about the tickling thing, it seems he's made a mental note to get over it, and ever since, we've been busy getting busy!
Unfortunately, he couldn't spend the night tonight, but I can't complain after the dreamy evening we had! I'm really starting to feel like I can be optimistic about things between Brandon and I. And I can honestly say that I'm happy. I'm content. I'm happy and content with Brandon. All it needed was a little more communication. And maybe a little more sex... ;)

Smooth Sailing

Ever since Brandon came clean with me about everything, things have been so...easy! So smooth, effortless. It's like this huge void between us has finally closed up. We can connect on a higher level. 

As for everything else...I'm just gonna stay out of it. It doesn't affect me directly, and I'm not going to let it. I'm just gonna leave it alone. As long as Brandon is faithful and good to me, and now that I know he's being honest with me about everything... I'm stickin' with him.

We still have our issues, of course, but they're just little things. Even so, let me get your opinions on something.

I've been having trouble getting him to sleep with me!!! Before you go making any assumptions, let me explain. So we're in bed, talking, playing, and I go to touch him, and he bursts out laughing and flinches away like a kid being tickled. I mean, I know he's really ticklish, but it's like I can't even touch him without tickling him!! And it's really starting to frustrate me! Because I'm all ready to go, and he's just sitting there laughing, and holding my hands so I can't touch him. ((Sigh!)) 

I've tried talking to him about it. I tell him I'm not trying to tickle him, but he just says he can't help it. I know I used to tickle him a lot when we first started dating, kind of in a flirtatious way, but I stopped doing that months ago! He said he just needs some "time to loosen up" so he won't keep reacting that way. It still sucks though. Any suggestions??

Anyways, I've been saving every last penny for Europe! I've already got my ticket, but now I have to save up to pay for the rent I'm gonna have to pay as soon as I get back, plus any spending money I'll need for the trip, and then there's the things I'm gonna need to buy before I leave. Urgh...so much money!! But it'll be worth it. I can't wait!

My mom's surgery is only 2 weeks away. I can't believe the time has gone by so fast. She finished her chemo at the end of last month. They wanted to wait until all the drugs were out of her system before operating, so that's why she hasn't had the surgery yet. Everything seems to be going well; the lump is no longer palpable, but we won't know if it's gone for sure until the surgery. And then they'll be able to go in and look and make sure the cancer hasn't spread to the chest cavity. Sophie and Brent are coming into town the week before to be here for the surgery. I'm sure we'll have a week of fun beforehand, which will be nice. But we'll all have apprehension in the back of our minds. ((Sigh)) Please everyone pray for my mom!

Well, that's all I've got for you guys tonight. It's back to Cold Case!

Complications

After a long night Monday with Brandon, I was exhausted when I woke up for my opening shift on Tuesday. Plus, my allergies have been flaring up again, so I took some medicine before work. That was a horrible idea! I felt groggy and out of it practically the whole night. Around 8 o'clock 2 guys came in, and one of them was pretty hot. He was tall and had the shaggy, 2nd day scruff thing goin' on. Anyways, I waited on them and talked to them for a bit, since it was my last hour of work. And we got to talking about my trip to Europe, and my photography business. Then he mentioned he'd like to see some of my photographs.

"Well I have a website!" I said, "Oh! Better yet, I'll give you a business card!" I said.

I always get superpsyched to give out my business cards, I dunno why. Lol. So I gave him one, and that was that.

Then when the end of my shift finally came, I waved goodbye to the guys as I walked by.

"I'll call you sometime." The hot guy said.

Without even thinking, I gave him a thumbs up. It wasn't until I was getting my things that I registered what he said.

Oh no! He thought I was giving him my number! I really just wanted to give him a business card because I thought he wanted to see my photos!

But then I thought, Oh well, most of the time guys don't call when they say they're going to anyway. And what's the harm in giving a hot guy my business card?? It's not like I'm cheating on Brandon or anything!

But as I drove home, I started thinking about Brandon, and his...extracurricular activities, and the hot guy, and what if this, what if that... It was enough to make my head spin!

As soon as I got home, I called Todd. I know I swore to Brandon that I wouldn't tell anyone what he was doing, but I know I can trust Todd not to tell a soul.

We talked for about 30 minutes. I explained the whole situation to him, and he listened well, as always. He told me that if it was him, he'd get as far away as possible, but also that he's a lot more conservative than most people. He warned me to be careful. And he asked me if I saw myself marrying Brandon.

"I don't know." I told him, "At this point it's too hard to tell because...what I see is potential. If we had more time together, and if he wasn't so busy all the time, things could be great, maybe even perfect. And maybe then I could see myself marrying him. But...it's not like that. So I just don't know."

What I do know is that I care about Brandon a lot. But I also care about Todd a lot. As a friend, and as possibly more. And I do sometimes wonder about other guys. But I also worry about letting Brandon go, even if it's only for a little while, to let him mature a little, do his golf thing, and free up some time for me. Because what if someone else snatches him up?! And then I'm too late! Because I really think Brandon and I could be happy together in the future. I just wish we could get all this other shit out of the way.

((Sigh))

Why does everything always have to be so complicated??

Secrets

Tonight me and Brandon and a group of our friends had plans to go to this body art party hosted by Tuaca. But, for some reason, everyone ended up flaking out so Brandon showed up at my place around 11. I had fallen asleep in bed, waiting for him to get here. 

When he did, he got into bed with me and laid down next to me. We talked about our days, and just chatted casually. I was happy, he was happy... Everything was fine!

Then I asked him, "Do you wanna be with me?" in a joking manner. I can't remember what we were talking about, only that we were laughing. And he hesitated. I sobered up immediately. He hesitated.

"No." He finally said, still smiling.

"What??" I asked.

He sighed. "I'm being dead serious."

I abruptly sat up.

"Then why are you with me?? When were you planning on telling me this??" 

"Tonight." He said.

"Tonight? Even if I hadn't asked you that, you were planning on breaking up with me?"

"...Yea. He said.

"Why?" I asked, tears welling up in my eyes.

"Because...it just...has to be this way. You're just gonna keep going around in circles." 

"What are you talking about?!" I asked, desperation creeping into my voice.

He sighed again. "You keep asking me questions, and you're just gonna keep hitting a wall. And I just can't be with you right now. It's not fair to you."

"What you mean you can't be with me right now?? What the hell are you talking about??!"

"Look. I can't give you a reason. It's just...what I'm doing right now...it's...I can't tell you. And I won't be able to be with you all the time."

"I know you can't be with me all the time! I don't expect you to be! But...what is it that you're doing??"

"I can't tell you. No one knows. No one. It's too deep for you."

By this point, I was starting to get freaked out.

"You're making no sense." I said. "Is it something bad??"

He shrugged. "It could be."

"Is is something illegal??"

He shrugged again.

"Are you in trouble?? Is anyone going to get hurt?!?" I asked, frantically.

"No, I'm not in trouble.  And no one is going to get hurt."

"Well then what?! What does it have to do with??? Golf? Your dad? Drugs??"

He just sighed and shook his head.

I started to cry.

"So...you're breaking up with me, and you're not even going to give me a reason??"

"This doesn't affect you! It has nothing to do with you." He said.

"Yes is does! It does affect me! And it has everything to do with me! What you're doing affects me in a big way, Brandon. You're breaking up with me, and you won't even tell me why!"

"Because I can't."

"No, because you won't."

He looked up at the ceiling. We were still both sitting on my bed. And he still had half a smirk on his face. It was making me sick.

"Do you not think this is a big deal at all???" I asked.

"I'm trying not to make it a big deal."

I halfway laughed, and shook my head. Then I turned to look him in the eye.

"Get out." I said.

He sat there, frozen. I could see the hurt in his eyes.

"Get out!" I yelled.

"Fine." He said quietly, and he got up to go get his things together.

I broke down and sobbed. I didn't care that he could hear me. I was so confused, so hurt, so...crushed. Why was he doing this to me?? What could possibly be so important, so "deep" that he would want me out of his life??

I got up and walked into the other room as a thought occurred to me.

"What am I supposed to say to people??" I spat at him, "That you just broke up with me for no reason!?? That you refused to even tell me why??"

"What would you say?" He asked.

"That you're an asshole, and you have some big secret that you won't tell me, and because of that, you can't even give me an explanation as to why we're breaking up! "

When I looked up at him, I saw that he had tears in his eyes. If this was hurting him too, what was he keeping from me? And why??

"If I tell you the truth, then what are you gonna tell people?" He asked.

"I don't know! But don't ask me to lie for you now. I will not lie for you unless you give me a good reason to. So as of now, I'm telling people the truth." I said, angry tears spilling down my cheeks.

"I'd rather people think that I'm an asshole, than know the truth." He said, putting the last of his things in his bag.

"And what about me??" I asked. "You don't care if I think you're an asshole??" 

"Yes, of course I do! But...what am I supposed to do!?"

"Tell me the truth." I said.

And finally, he did.