Bitter

I've been so depressed lately it's like...I don't feel like doing anything, or going anywhere, or talking to anyone... ((Sigh)) I've cried myself to sleep every night since it happened. I've been pretty much alienating all of my friends. I have no desire to go to work, even though I really need the money. I try to think of things that I should be thankful for, and reasons I should be happy, but looking back on the past year, the only good thing that's come out of it is Brandon!

My mom has cancer, my dog was killed, I need a new job and yet, I have no idea what I wanna do.

It's like this vicious cycle of bad things happening, and I don't know how to stop any of them. It's like I'm being punished for something.

On top of all that, our employee holiday party is this Sunday, and I can't even drink cuz I'm on antibiotics for a bacterial infection. Ugh... I may not even go to the party. What's the point? I'm so tired of putting on a happy face and pretending like everything is ok. And I'm even more tired of people feigning concern for me. I don't want to talk about what happened, I don't want to answer anyone's questions just so their sick, sadistic curiosity can be satisfied. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but...it's hard enough for me to hold it together when people aren't bringing up how miserable I am.

And I can't stop worrying that I'm going to drive Brandon away. Am I being too needy? Too mopey? Is he getting tired of me?

He's the only thing in my life that's going right. And he is the only thing that's keeping me from going off the deep end. I can't afford to screw it  up. Otherwise I will have lost almost everything.

My Fortune

I dropped Brandon off at the airport Sunday afternoon after a day of walking the French Quarter, and eating breakfast at Cafe DuMonde. It was Brandon's first time to eat a beignet! I was really sad to see him go. Especially when I needed him so much. That night at the hotel was miserable. I had no one to hold me, no one to cry to. And it was so cold and lonely in that room all by myself. ((Sigh))

But the next morning, I woke up around noon, and showered. Brent and Sophie walked over to my hotel and then we walked over to the Quarter to do some boutique browsing. I bought a really cute new Loungefly purse on sale. I just couldn't say no. I also got a really interesting looking book in this antique bookstore. Then we went to this tea shop called Bottom Of The Cup - all 3 of us love tea - where they do psychic readings. It's the oldest operating tea shop in the United States! About a year ago, Sophie and Brent went in and got a joint reading from a man called Otis. He predicted that marriage would be in their future, before they were even planning on getting married! Back in the day when the shop opened, your reading was free with a cup of tea. But now they're 30 dollars. But I figured what the hell! And I decided to get a reading from famous Otis. Plus, my tea was free! Sophie came in with me to watch. First he read my palms. He said I was a natural leader, and I had a very long lifeline. He also told me I'm a very visual communicator. I communicate through pictures and writing. Which is so true! Then he got out his tarot cards and told me to make 3 stacks and pick one for him to read. So I handed him a stack, and he began flipping over cards.

He told me that this year on my birthday, I'm going to start a new 7 year cycle, which means I'll have much better luck this 7 years, than the last 7 years. He asked me if I had a rough year last year. Of course, I said yes. Then he told me I was going to be making a lot more money this year. He had flipped over Pentacles, which means money.

He also told me I was going to have very good Karma.

Then he asked if I had a boyfriend. I told him yes, since October. He flipped over a few more cards and said that Brandon is with me because he wants to be, and that we are different, but a good match.

Then he picked up the next stack and said there was going to be overseas travel in my future this year! How exciting! More pentacles...more money. A new job, in February! That accounts for the extra money I'll be making I suppose. Financial security, The Lovers - companionship and harmony. He said that Brandon's in love with me! :)

Then he said that I'll be going to Europe in October.

So overall, 2009 is supposed to be much better that '08. And I'm feeling pretty optimistic about it. And he said that Brandon is in love with me! I know it's silly to think that all this stuff is true but...it could be! Who knows!

After my reading, I bought this really pretty handmade porcelain charm necklace with a Celtic design of hearts on it. It's beautiful. And it came with a card that describes the meaning of the sign and everything. I really like it.

Despite everything that has happened in the past couple of days, I am trying to think positively. I mean, I have been depressed; I've cried myself to sleep every night. But the night is the hardest. I couldn't do it without Brandon. During the day it's easier. Bethany and Alyssa have been trying to get a hold of me, but I won't answer. I know what they're going to say and I can't handle it. Brandon says I can't avoid them forever, and he's right but... At least I can avoid them for now. ((Sigh))

The Wedding

Saturday morning, the alarm went off too soon.

"Were you crying last night?" Brandon asked when he noticed the mascara on my pillowcase.

"Yea." I admitted.

"Why?? Did I do something??" He sounded worried.

"No."

"Then...why were you crying?" Concern colored his voice.

"I was just...sad." I said, as I walked to the bathroom.

"About Oliver?" He asked.

I nodded.

"It'll be ok." He said, pulling me into a hug.

The wedding was held at a museum of sorts. It was pretty cool! I did Sophie's hair and makeup. She looked beautiful. This was a Renaissance themed wedding, so a lot of people came dressed up. Sophie's dress was stunning! It was purple and white, with floor length sleeves and a hoop skirt.

I put on my chemise and corset and put the finishing touches on my hair and makeup. Before we knew it, it was time for the ceremony to start.

Everything went great. They recited their own vows, which were touching. The ceremony and reception were both in the same place. The museum had one big open room, with wood floors and lots of light-up artwork on the walls. Downstairs, underneath the big hall were restrooms and a small kitchen, which was where we all got ready. Some of Sophie and Brent's friends played guitar and sang during the reception, and we all danced and took lots of pictures. It was so much fun! And I was able to keep all my dark thoughts at bay for the entire wedding. Brandon and I danced, and hung out and had a really good time.

Afterwards, my parents dropped us off back at the hotel to rest. Everyone had had a long day and we were all ready for a break. Brandon and I stripped to our underwear and got into bed. He put his arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Thanks for coming with me." I said.

"No problem babe. It was fun." He said, kissing my forehead.

"Brandon?" I looked up into his eyes.

"Yes?" He said with a curious grin on his face.

"I love you."

I had to say it. It was about to explode out of me if I didn't. I mean, I'd never felt it so strongly before, and had to hold it in. I just had to say it!

"You do??" He said, genuinely surprised, "What makes you assume that?"

"It's not an assumption. I just do."

"Oh. Well that's good to hear. I guess I must be doing something right!" He grinned at me and squeezed me tighter.

It wasn't an 'I love you too', which would have been nice but... He'll say it when he's ready I guess.

I laid my head back on his shoulder and went to sleep.

Still Can't Believe It

When we got to the hotel, it was 11:30. We were both exhausted. We went straight up to our room, laid in bed, and cried. Together. Oliver was just as much Brandon's dog as mine. He loved him too. And Oliver loved Brandon. It was really hard to sleep that night. Every time I closed my eyes, it just kept replaying in my head. I kept picturing him lying there, so soft...so limp. When he'd been so alive just moments before. I can't believe it. I still can't believe it.

We slept almost the entire day Friday. But at 4 o'clock my parents called and told me the family was going to dinner at 6. My mom was really worried about both of us. But we got up, showered, and put on our happy faces and went to dinner. I was expecting it to be harder. Harder to act happy. But everyone was so...cheerful, and happy to see us. There were hugs all around. And it was a nice distraction. Brandon met Sophie, Brent, and my grandparents. They all loved him, of course. I gave Brent and Sophie all their Christmas presents. We ate pizza and drank beer. It was actually fun. Of course, thoughts of Oliver still crept into my head. But I had Brandon, and everyone else to distract me from those thoughts. So I was able to stay moderately happy, considering the circumstances.

After dinner, some of us headed over to Pat O'Brien's to meet Sophie and Brent's friends. My parents came too. Evan and one of our mutual high school friends, Alex and her boyfriend were there. They had just driven in Friday afternoon. So me, Brandon, my parents, Evan, Alex, and Alex's boyfriend, Mike, all got a table together. Sophie and Brent couldn't really stay in one place. After drinks, me, Brandon, Evan, Alex and Mike walked out to Bourbon St.

Brandon ended up getting a little too drunk. I was too depressed to even drink. I started to get upset, and I just wanted to go back to the hotel. ((sigh))

Brandon passed out as soon as we got there. I cried myself to sleep.

Darkness

There comes a point in every relationship where one person needs the other, more than that person needs them. That time, for me, is now.

Brandon drove the rest of the way to New Orleans. We had to backtrack to get to a Discount Tire. By the time we were back on the road, it was after 6 o'clock. I was sick with grief, with shock, with emotions I never thought I could feel. All I could do was cry. Brandon hugged me, told me we'd get through this, and he'd be there for me.

I don't remember the drive. Just darkness. Blurry darkness.

The Worst Day Of My Life

This past weekend was Sophie and Brent's wedding. I don't know if any of you remember...I guess I hadn't mentioned it in a while. So Brandon and I had plans to leave this past Thursday and drive to New Orleans. I was planning to stay till Tuesday, while Brandon had a flight back to Houston on Sunday evening. So we both got up early Thursday to get ready, and we were on the road by about 1:30, Oliver in tow. I made sure to find a hotel that allowed dogs so I could bring him. Sophie really wanted to meet Oliver, and of course I didn't wanna leave him behind! The day couldn't have started out better. I had packed plenty of clothes to go out in, and Brandon and I were planning on hitting Bourbon Street that night.
The car was packed pretty tight, with no room left in the trunk. There was barely enough room in the backseat for Oliver. So Brandon put Oliver in his lap. We were talking about my family, and laughing, and making plans, and then all of a sudden, BOOM!!
My back driver's side tire blew out.
"Did my tire just blow out?!" I said, "This can't be happening."
Brandon sighed, "Well you better pull over."
We were only about an hour and a half out of Houston, and we were in an area with lots of road construction. There was no shoulder to pull over on! So I drove very slowly forward to an area where there was a little more room for me to pull over.
Brandon got over and determined that my tire was, indeed, flat.
"Well...we just have to get it to a Discount Tire. I have a warranty. But we're gonna have to take everything out of the trunk to get to my spare!" I told Brandon, exasperated. This was definitely gonna set us way back.

So I started to look up the nearest Discount Tire on my phone while Brandon started putting things from the trunk into the backseat. Once I'd found the nearest tire shop, I figured I should get out and help Brandon unload the trunk. I looked in my side view mirror to make sure I had enough time to get out before more cars came. 

Everything from this point was in slow motion, and yet still a blur. I opened the door, just barely wide enough for me to get out. I got out of the car, never taking my hand off the door, and then immediately began to shut the door behind me. That was when I felt something.

Resistance. I spun around. Oliver was jumping out of the car.

I screamed and desperately clutched at thin air, trying to grab him. But he was too fast. It was all happening too fast. A truck was coming. An 18-wheeler. 

I heard a car horn. I heard myself scream. I heard Oliver yelp.

And then he was...

Gone.

I don't know how, but I ended up on the ground, behind my car, crying hysterically. Brandon was there, with his arms around me. All I could scream was No. No no no...

This can't be happening.

still here...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now. Some really good, and some really bad. ((Sigh)) don't worry, it's not Brandon. He and I are fine. I'll update you all as soon as possible.