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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Bitter

I've been so depressed lately it's like...I don't feel like doing anything, or going anywhere, or talking to anyone... ((Sigh)) I've cried myself to sleep every night since it happened. I've been pretty much alienating all of my friends. I have no desire to go to work, even though I really need the money. I try to think of things that I should be thankful for, and reasons I should be happy, but looking back on the past year, the only good thing that's come out of it is Brandon!
My mom has cancer, my dog was killed, I need a new job and yet, I have no idea what I wanna do.
It's like this vicious cycle of bad things happening, and I don't know how to stop any of them. It's like I'm being punished for something.
On top of all that, our employee holiday party is this Sunday, and I can't even drink cuz I'm on antibiotics for a bacterial infection. Ugh... I may not even go to the party. What's the point? I'm so tired of putting on a happy face and pretending like everything is ok. And I'm even more tired of people feigning concern for me. I don't want to talk about what happened, I don't want to answer anyone's questions just so their sick, sadistic curiosity can be satisfied. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but...it's hard enough for me to hold it together when people aren't bringing up how miserable I am.
And I can't stop worrying that I'm going to drive Brandon away. Am I being too needy? Too mopey? Is he getting tired of me?
He's the only thing in my life that's going right. And he is the only thing that's keeping me from going off the deep end. I can't afford to screw it  up. Otherwise I will have lost almost everything.

4 comments:

Ashley said...

You are being extremely too hard on yourself. This may sound harsh, but it doesn't seem like you have experienced much loss, which is a great thing but also a hindrance at this age. As someone who is 25, has lost all her grandparents but 1, 2 cousins when they were 14 & 12, 2 uncles, several friends...and had heartbreaking experiences with animals, like when I was 12 and may lab was hit by a car, suffered a broken back and I sat with through it all until the vet finally had to put him to sleep, you will get through this. Believe me! I got through mine! You need to look at all of the great things in your life!

Heather said...

I am sorry for your loss, but hun, you need to focus on the good and not let this loss dictate your life. You aren't living. If you don't live, you will NEVER figure out what you want to do in life. You will never discover your strengths that will lead you to discovering what you want to do in life. Accept the loss, and grab yourself by the boot straps and soldier through this with the people who love you. You have to find your strength, and you have it. You just have to refocus your energy to do it. You have to stop this path before it stops you. Don't make your worst fears a self-fulfilling prophecy.

K said...

I hope you're doing OK, Peyton. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time.

Ashley said...

This might sound wierd, because I don't really even know you, but I'm kind of worried about you. You didn't sound so good in your last post, so maybe you just check-in, drop a line, and let us all know you are OK.