I just got home from work, which was absolutely terrible. I was miserable, for one, and trying to hide the fact that I was miserable, and failing miserably at trying not to look miserable. ((Sigh!)) One of my managers immediately asked me what was wrong. I tried to lie and say "nothing" but she called my bluff. I made something up about a bad day and a long story. I don't wanna have to tell people at work. I'd rather they all find out when I'm already gone, so that I don't have to deal with it. At least maybe by the time I get back from Europe, it won't be so difficult to talk about.
I did tell Alyssa and Greg though. I wasn't going to tell anyone, but Alyssa is one of my best friends, and Greg is good to talk to. He's had a couple heart-to-hearts with Brandon, and he sort of understands what's going on. After work, Greg walked me to my car, and told me that it would hurt at first, but not to let it get to me too bad, because I'm an awesome person, yada yada... ((Sigh)) That's easier said than done.
I just can't stop thinking about the fact that Brandon said he was bored. Bored with me! What, I wasn't exciting enough?? Sexy enough?? Driven enough?? Busy enough?? I don't know!!! I don't know what I was doing wrong, or what I wasn't doing, that I should have been doing! I tried so hard to be a good girlfriend to him, because I knew he was a good guy. I encouraged him and his dreams, comforted and listened to him when he was fighting with his dad, forgave him (and stayed with him!) for all the stupid illegal shit he was doing behind my back, but...for what!? What was the point of any of that!??! He sure as hell didn't appreciate any of it. He didn't return the favor when I needed someone to encourage me, when I needed someone to comfort me, when I needed someone to listen. He just took and took, until he sucked me completely dry and then left me. LEFT ME. I'm sooooo hurt, how could he do this?!?! How could anyone???
Luckily, Brandon and I didn't work behind the same bar tonight, but I couldn't help watching him from the across the room. Afterwards, when we were counting tips, he went to talk to the door guys, and I sat at the table counting money. Neither of us made any attempt to talk to the other. It just felt so...wrong.
He did tell me today via text that he thought about what I said and he thinks "taking a break would be better". And my first thought was, Better than what? Better than breaking up for good, or better than being in the relationship??
But of course, I didn't ask him that. I just asked if that means he'd wanna talk about stuff when I get back. He said yea. I'm hoping that that little ounce of chance will tide me over till I leave, and then it'll be easier for me to move on, ya know? Because even though I want him back, I know this isn't right for me.
Why do guys have to be so immature?!? I mean, there are so many guys out there, good guys, who have the potential to be great boyfriends, but they just don't seem to wanna reach that potential! And what does that mean? That I have to weed through all of them!? Ugh... The thought of dating again just makes me wanna barf. I don't wanna do it. All that horrible, awkward, heart wrenching, uncertain, painful, confusing, annoying crap that people call dating. I hate the game, I hate the rules, I hate everything about it. The novelty always wears off too quickly.
I'm so tired of tears.
I'm so tired of being the broken-hearted one.