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Friday, May 29, 2009

How?

I just got home from work, which was absolutely terrible. I was miserable, for one, and trying to hide the fact that I was miserable, and failing miserably at trying not to look miserable. ((Sigh!)) One of my managers immediately asked me what was wrong. I tried to lie and say "nothing" but she called my bluff. I made something up about a bad day and a long story. I don't wanna have to tell people at work. I'd rather they all find out when I'm already gone, so that I don't have to deal with it. At least maybe by the time I get back from Europe, it won't be so difficult to talk about.
I did tell Alyssa and Greg though. I wasn't going to tell anyone, but Alyssa is one of my best friends, and Greg is good to talk to. He's had a couple heart-to-hearts with Brandon, and he sort of understands what's going on. After work, Greg walked me to my car, and told me that it would hurt at first, but not to let it get to me too bad, because I'm an awesome person, yada yada... ((Sigh)) That's easier said than done.
I just can't stop thinking about the fact that Brandon said he was bored. Bored with me! What, I wasn't exciting enough?? Sexy enough?? Driven enough?? Busy enough?? I don't know!!! I don't know what I was doing wrong, or what I wasn't doing, that I should have been doing! I tried so hard to be a good girlfriend to him, because I knew he was a good guy. I encouraged him and his dreams, comforted and listened to him when he was fighting with his dad, forgave him (and stayed with him!) for all the stupid illegal shit he was doing behind my back, but...for what!? What was the point of any of that!??! He sure as hell didn't appreciate any of it. He didn't return the favor when I needed someone to encourage me, when I needed someone to comfort me, when I needed someone to listen. He just took and took, until he sucked me completely dry and then left me. LEFT ME. I'm sooooo hurt, how could he do this?!?! How could anyone???


Luckily, Brandon and I didn't work behind the same bar tonight, but I couldn't help watching him from the across the room. Afterwards, when we were counting tips, he went to talk to the door guys, and I sat at the table counting money. Neither of us made any attempt to talk to the other. It just felt so...wrong.

He did tell me today via text that he thought about what I said and he thinks "taking a break would be better". And my first thought was, Better than what? Better than breaking up for good, or better than being in the relationship??
But of course, I didn't ask him that. I just asked if that means he'd wanna talk about stuff when I get back. He said yea. I'm hoping that that little ounce of chance will tide me over till I leave, and then it'll be easier for me to move on, ya know? Because even though I want him back, I know this isn't right for me.
Why do guys have to be so immature?!? I mean, there are so many guys out there, good guys, who have the potential to be great boyfriends, but they just don't seem to wanna reach that potential! And what does that mean? That I have to weed through all of them!? Ugh... The thought of dating again just makes me wanna barf. I don't wanna do it. All that horrible, awkward, heart wrenching, uncertain, painful, confusing, annoying crap that people call dating. I hate the game, I hate the rules, I hate everything about it. The novelty always wears off too quickly.

I'm so tired of tears.
I'm so tired of being the broken-hearted one.

4 comments:

Nic said...

*HUGS*
Hope you are feeling better soon. Brandon is just not worth is, he hasn't been treating you like he should.

Men are just like that. You would like to punch them until they got it right.

Hope you are having a great time in Europe. If you happen to pass Edinburgh, give me a shout.

Just me said...

Ok Peyton, first I want to say I am so sorry that you feel the way you do. I wouldn't wish a heartbreak on my worst enemy, let alone a great person like you.

And second...this may sound harsh but it's something you need to do....LET HIM GO COMPLETELY! Do NOT hold on to any hope of yall trying again. Even if he's willing to maybe work things out later...DO NOT do it. He's broken up with you what...3 times now? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 3 times....well, you're the fool once again.

I'm not saying this to try and hurt you, but you need spend one night(and ONE night only!) Crying and agonizing over him and looking through old pictures and whatnot and writing down everything you loved about him. Then, write down absolutely everything that you hated about him and put that on top of everything.

Sleep on it.

Wake up and throw all of it away. Not just the actual stuff, but mentally too. You are too damn good to keep going back to a jerk who is too selfish to realize what he's got.

I know you don't want to be alone but then again, you're still only in you're 20s. You have plenty of time to find "the one" and settle down. Right now you need to concentrate on Europe, starting a career(photography maybe?) and making YOU happy first.

When was the last time you did something completely for yourself Peyton? Not for a friend or family member or a boyfriend....150% just for you?

Anonymous said...

hey, im really sorry about all this. i know it SUCKS. breaking up is always really, really difficult. it's hard to see your way out of it.

but i GUARANTEE you, there is another guy around the corner. there is ALWAYS another guy. you probably don't want to hear that right now, but i KNOW you WILL love again.

maybe you should refrain from texting him so much. i mean less of the "you really broke my heart" stuff. i'm not trying to negate your feelings, or your heart, because a broken heart IS a big deal. but i really don't see how sending him text messages to make him feel sorry for you, or trying to "beg" him to stay with you, or think about it more, will help. i mean this break up was a long time coming. he has expressed doubts the whole time. he HAS NOT been mature, or appreciative of all you have done for him. just try to let it go. continuing to send him dramatic text messages will just make you look bad and turn him off even more.

im not saying this to hurt you feelings. i am honestly speaking from experience. i am the WORST person at biting my tongue, but every time I have said stuff that i was really feeling post breakup to the guy, i have always regretted it. just let it go, do what's best for you to heal your heart. take care of yourself. enjoy europe. and remember there is ALWAYS another guy around the corner. try to have fun with it more..

Anonymous said...

/i have been reading your blog for overtwo years and have not been able to ever fully comment. You seeml to give yourself to guys who aren't fully available to you. When you were with Daniel I wanted to scream at you to stop, and with Brandon I could see from your posts he was wrong for you. I was the one that mentioned you talking about selling drugs would get both of you in trouble. you deserve a good man, a better man that you have allowed yourself to have, please look within yourself and realise what an amazing person you are. You deserve more than either of these boys (and I say boys because they are not men) can give you.