I laid there, choking back tears and just trying to breathe for about 10 minutes. I was sure Brandon must have been asleep by this time. Then Jasper jumped off the bed and started whining at the door. I sighed and got up to let him out. I closed the bedroom door behind me.
As I was standing in the living room waiting for Jasper to come back in, I could hear some rustling around in my room, as if Brandon were getting out of bed. The jingling of a belt, the whip of a zipper.
He's leaving. I can't fucking believe it. I thought.
Jasper came back inside and I locked the door, just as I turned around to go back to my room, there he was in the doorway.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"You're not happy about what I said, and I'm just gonna go."
"I was just letting the dog out." I said flatly.
"Well..." He trailed off as he gathered his keys.
"So that's your reaction to everything? To just leave??" I asked quietly.
He sighed again, and looked at me. I was standing in the doorway with a roll of toilet paper in one hand, and a wadded up used tissue in the other. I was sure my mascara was running, and I probably looked like a pathetic mess.
He slowly set down his things, and stripped back down to his boxers.
"Ok." was all he said.
And we both went back to bed without another word.
The next morning, he got up to go to the golf course. He was really sweet to me, and kissed me goodbye, twice. Which is once more than usual. I didn't say anything. I had that feeling, you know, the one you get when you've cried yourself to sleep. My sinuses were all stopped up and my eyes felt puffy and my whole face was numb. I couldn't forget the reason I felt like this.
I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Late in the afternoon, I woke up. I had 2 text messages from Brandon.
"Are u awake? I'm sorry for last night. I wasn't trying to make u feel bad. I just want u to know that u are not wasting your time on me."
"Hey how is your day going so far?"
I didn't acknowledge his first text, but I was still comforted by it. I don't know why, since I still don't really understand how I'm not wasting my time if he's completely not open to even the idea of marriage. I don't wanna be 35 and single. Ugh.
So I wrote back, "My day is ok. I feel like crap. I'm gonna go to the bookstore."
"Well I'm coming over after golf, ok?" He said.
"Are you guys gonna go eat before you come over?" I asked, as my stomach growled.
"No, we can go eat somewhere, just me and u, ok?"
So I waited for him to eat. We had a good lunch, and then he came to the bookstore with me. It was as if everything was back to normal. Sort of... I could tell he was trying to be extra sweet to me, to make up for last night. I still felt sort of...sedated. But I knew he'd be leaving the next day, so I figured we should just make the most of it. And we did. Despite everything, it was a good day.
Now it's Thursday night, er, Friday morning, but I just got off work, and I've really missed him since he's been gone. He's been sending me good morning texts every morning, and sweet little notes throughout the day. So at least I know he's thinking about me. Maybe he'll realize he's being stupid for trying to keep me away. I leave for Europe in 2 weeks. That will be the ultimate test. Not just for him, but for me as well.
Do I want to continue this relationship, not knowing what he wants out of it?
Being away from him, and away from here, I think I'll really be able to get some good perspective. And if I don't miss him, then I'll know it's time to move on. And if I do miss him, then I'll know if it's worth it or not.
Of course, things aren't usually that black and white. I'm just hoping they will be this time.