Friday, May 22, 2009

Forbidden Ideas: Part II

I laid there, choking back tears and just trying to breathe for about 10 minutes. I was sure Brandon must have been asleep by this time. Then Jasper jumped off the bed and started whining at the door. I sighed and got up to let him out. I closed the bedroom door behind me.
As I was standing in the living room waiting for Jasper to come back in, I could hear some rustling around in my room, as if Brandon were getting out of bed. The jingling of a belt, the whip of a zipper.
He's leaving. I can't fucking believe it. I thought.
Jasper came back inside and I locked the door, just as I turned around to go back to my room, there he was in the doorway.

"What are you doing?" I asked.
"You're not happy about what I said, and I'm just gonna go."
"I was just letting the dog out." I said flatly.
"Well..." He trailed off as he gathered his keys.
"So that's your reaction to everything? To just leave??" I asked quietly.

He sighed again, and looked at me. I was standing in the doorway with a roll of toilet paper in one hand, and a wadded up used tissue in the other. I was sure my mascara was running, and I probably looked like a pathetic mess.
He slowly set down his things, and stripped back down to his boxers.
"Ok." was all he said.
And we both went back to bed without another word.

The next morning, he got up to go to the golf course. He was really sweet to me, and kissed me goodbye, twice. Which is once more than usual. I didn't say anything. I had that feeling, you know, the one you get when you've cried yourself to sleep. My sinuses were all stopped up and my eyes felt puffy and my whole face was numb. I couldn't forget the reason I felt like this.
I rolled over and went back to sleep.

Late in the afternoon, I woke up. I had 2 text messages from Brandon.

"Are u awake? I'm sorry for last night. I wasn't trying to make u feel bad. I just want u to know that u are not wasting your time on me."

"Hey how is your day going so far?"

I didn't acknowledge his first text, but I was still comforted by it. I don't know why, since I still don't really understand how I'm not wasting my time if he's completely not open to even the idea of marriage. I don't wanna be 35 and single. Ugh.
So I wrote back, "My day is ok. I feel like crap. I'm gonna go to the bookstore."
"Well I'm coming over after golf, ok?" He said.
"Are you guys gonna go eat before you come over?" I asked, as my stomach growled.
"No, we can go eat somewhere, just me and u, ok?"

So I waited for him to eat. We had a good lunch, and then he came to the bookstore with me. It was as if everything was back to normal. Sort of... I could tell he was trying to be extra sweet to me, to make up for last night. I still felt sort of...sedated. But I knew he'd be leaving the next day, so I figured we should just make the most of it. And we did. Despite everything, it was a good day.

Now it's Thursday night, er, Friday morning, but I just got off work, and I've really missed him since he's been gone. He's been sending me good morning texts every morning, and sweet little notes throughout the day. So at least I know he's thinking about me. Maybe he'll realize he's being stupid for trying to keep me away. I leave for Europe in 2 weeks. That will be the ultimate test. Not just for him, but for me as well.
Do I want to continue this relationship, not knowing what he wants out of it?
Being away from him, and away from here, I think I'll really be able to get some good perspective. And if I don't miss him, then I'll know it's time to move on. And if I do miss him, then I'll know if it's worth it or not.
Of course, things aren't usually that black and white. I'm just hoping they will be this time.


Anonymous said...

i'm sorry but you really need to just leave this relationship. he does not seem like a good boyfriend and most of the time you all just seem to fight and then you end up forgiving him which is essentially giving him a free pass to do whatever he wants. i dont really think his behavior is going to change and you desrve better than that.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Peyton. :)

Anonymous said...

hey i know what you mean about the wall thing. my bf has been really stressed out lately, and does the same thing from time to time. it is really freakin frustrating.

im sure branden is a great guy, and you must obviously have something with him. but SERIOUSLY, if you want to be married in the next 5-10 years, or even go to the next level, (more emotional intimacy, etc) you REALLY need to let him go. he is NOT GOING TO CHANGE because you want him to. guys don't do that. guys really need to be ready, and have their career stuff figured out before they consider marriage.

as long as he is not ready, and he has blatantly said he isn't for at least 5-10 years, you really are wasting your time with him.

the best thing you can do is let him go. see what happens, maybe you will find someone better suited for you who IS ready, or maybe branden will be ready in the future and you can pick up again.

but i promise, you will not be able to change him no matter how much you love him or how much you try.

good luck.

Anonymous said...

Peyton...this isn't going to go away. You keep resolving things with him, he keeps apologizing, and then he does the same thing over and over again. That's him. That's the rest of your life with him.

I'm calling it: this relationship isn't going to last. Because he'll eventually break your heart (again) and it will be over for good. Then you'll realize that you always deserved better and wish you hadn't spent so many tears and effort on him.

Brandon is immature and self-focused. He isn't going to change while he's in a relationship with you. Maybe after you break up he'll grow up a bit.

You are very intelligent, interesting, caring and mature. DON'T SETTLE!

Just me said...

I was going to add my own opinion here but after reading everyone else's comments all I want to say now is that I agree with all of them.

Although, if you were to end things with him then maybe he'll realize what a good thing he had and change. It probably won't be an overnight thing but like one anon said, maybe you guys can start over again...a loooong ways down the road if he changes.

Hope things get better with you 2 either way hun!