Brandon broke up with me.
Since he got back, things were going along just copacetic, as if nothing had ever gone wrong. But it was still eating away at me. The last conversation we had. Not knowing where we stood, not knowing how he felt, not knowing if I really was just wasting my time.
So last night, I got off work at nine, we went and saw Angels & Demons, then we got back to my place and were laying in bed. It had been a decent day, nothing out of the ordinary, just enjoying each others company. But then I started thinking about everything again, and I knew what it would lead to if I brought it up, but I just couldn't keep my thoughts to myself any longer. So I asked him what he had meant about not wasting my time.
I don't really feel like writing out our entire conversation, so here are the important parts.
He told me he was bored.
Golf is the only key to his happiness, and only he alone can achieve it.
He doesn't want to keep "misguiding me".
He just doesn't want to be in a relationship.
He thinks the timing is all wrong between us.
He still wants to be friends.
I told him I couldn't be his friend.
I cried. A lot.
I laid there in bed sobbing for a good while, then I sent him a text.
"I hope you know that you have truly broken my heart."
He said he was sorry, that that wasn't the idea.
((Sigh)) This lead to another long text conversation, during which he told me he'd already gotten all this things and left my key on the coffee table.
This caused another fresh outbreak of tears. Nothing yet, had hurt as badly as that.
In the end I asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted. I asked him if we could just put this off a while longer and take some time alone to think about things. I'm leaving for Europe in 2 weeks, and it will be a good opportunity for us to be apart and think, and then we could talk when I got back.
He said he'd talk to me tomorrow.
I slept fitfully. I kept having strange dreams and waking up, crusty eyed and unable to breathe. Finally I think I got a solid 2 hours around 7:30am. When I woke up I just laid there in bed, not knowing what to do with myself.
A part of me is missing. I feel so...empty. I just kept thinking, I don't want to die alone, and I'm no closer now to finding someone, than I was 5 years ago.
I sent him a text around 1, asking him if he'd thought about what I said last night.
Then I called Melissa. She always gives the best advice in these situations, and I really just needed to get my mind off how sad I was.
We talked for about 30 minutes. She pointed out that there was nothing for me to cling to. He doesn't want to be in a relationship, all he cares about is golf, and had he said anything about how much he cares about me, things would be different. But he didn't. He never said anything likethat. And I know she's right. And I know that this is not what I want. I want someone who will open up to me, tell me how they feel. Someone who's passionate, not just about their career, but about falling in love. Someone who's fearless, and lives for the day. Someone who will take care of me when I'm low, and will allow me to do the same. Someone who knows what they want out of a relationship, and who is ready to commit. I need a whole man. Not just half of one.
And yet, even though I know all these things, I still want Brandon.
He responded to my text about 10 minutes later. I was still on the phone with Melissa. He said, "Yea, a little." She told me not to write back, so I didn't. Then about an hour later, he texted me again.
"Hey, how are u doing?"
"Fine." I said.
But fine is the last word I could honestly use to describe myself. I'm falling apart from the inside out. I'm broken down, sad, confused, hurt, and disappointed. And I feel hopeless as to what to do about the situation, because even if he does say yes, he'd like to think things over a little more, I know that inevitably we will end up back here, and the pain will just be worse next time. We aren't meant to be. Not now.
Maybe not ever.
And that's what is killing me.