We Can Work It Out

I guess I left a lot of you wondering if Brandon and I were staying together or breaking up. But we are staying together.

That night, Brandon came over and we talked.

I explained where I'm coming from, and he explained where he was coming from. He tends to get a little ahead of himself sometimes and freak out about things that he shouldn't even be thinking about. And I probably do the same thing. 

I told him it really hurt when he told me he doesn't love me. He said he told me he wasn't ready to say it, and I said I know that and I don't want him to say it until he's ready, but it just...stung. 

Basically he's in a place where he's uncertain about the future because he's trying to get all his shit together with golf and everything. And he knows he cares about me but he doesn't wanna make me any promises he can't keep.

And I told him that I am looking for someone to spend forever with, and I see him as a possibility, but I don't wanna wait around forever. I can wait for a while, just not forever.

So yesterday, I met his mom for  dinner around 6. Surprisingly it was nice. It wasn't awkward, or forced, or uncomfortable. We just talked. And she had a lot of enlightening things to say. I mean, most of it was stuff I already knew, but it was stuff that I hadn't really thought would affect our relationship.

She said he's a little afraid of commitment (just like every other guy) and he has a hard time opening up. But I guess when they talked, she told him that if he wasn't gonna communicate with me, and let his guard down, then our relationship would never work. And she told me that he really cares about me.

A lot of his issues about love and commitment stem from his relationship with his dad. I already knew that he and his dad didn't have the best relationship. And his mom was able to shed a little more light on that. Brandon has been seeking his dad's approval since he was a boy, and he's never gotten it, and he probably never will. His father is cold, and practically emotionless. He doesn't support Brandon, or encourage him. He cuts him down, points out all his flaws, checks up on him at work all the time, and generally just treats him like a teenager. 

So anytime I use the word "disappointed" when Brandon and I argue, for example, I'm disappointed that he can't come over, he takes it the wrong way and just shuts down, because his dad is always telling him he's disappointed in him. So I think he and I just weren't communicating as much as we should have been, and we misunderstood some really important things about each other.

I haven't gotten a chance to talk to Brandon again since I had dinner with his mom, but I worked the early shift today, and he's working tonight, so we just haven't gotten to see each other yet. Tomorrow is probably gonna be about the same. I have to work at 10am!! Stupid March Madness... But hopefully on Sunday we'll get a chance to really hash things out. I need him to talk to me more, look me in the eye and tell me how he's feeling.

But overall I'm glad with the way things turned out. We hit the 6 month mark. It was time for us to learn these things about each other. And now we know how to handle these situations and what we need to work on in the future. And we just bypassed a major road hump, so hopefully we'll be stronger for it.

But most importantly, I know he really does care about me. Even if the word "love" scares him, I'm pretty sure he loves me. Because...he shows it. :)