Thursday, March 12, 2009

Question Everything

Todd texted me again today and wanted to hang out. So we made plans to go check out this wine bar down the street from my place. I was fixing my hair and getting ready to go when Brandon showed up. 
So...the 3 of us went. It was a little weird. Mostly because I just wanted to catch up with Todd, so half the things we talked about, and most of the people we know, have nothing to do with Brandon. So he couldn't really participate in a lot of our conversation. Which mostly consisted of the recent goings on between Todd and his girlfriend. ((Sigh))
When Melissa and I went to Dallas a few months back, Todd was single. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of about a year, Laura, because she'd pretty much gone psycho on him for no apparent reason. And Todd is a very logical, sane, calm person. And he recognized that that wasn't the type of thing he needed in his life at that time, and he ended things with her. He'd also told me that he would never get back with her because she had said a lot of downright mean, hurtful things that were completely uncalled for.
But you know, a few months go by, and I hear through the grapevine that they're seeing each other again. 
So tonight, I had to ask him what the deal was. 
Apparently the day she totally freaked on him she had found out that she was pregnant. And then he broke up with her, so she never told him. After 2 months, she had a miscarriage, and still never told him. Then he ran into Laura's mom at a mutual family friend's house, and her mom slipped up and mentioned something about a surgery, so naturally, Todd made it a point to get together with Laura and find out what was going on. When all was said and done, he decided that her intentions were good. She didn't tell him because she didn't want him to think she was trying to manipulate him into getting back together with him, or give him a bad reputation what with the NFL looking at him and everything. And when she miscarried, they'd already been broken up a couple months so... Anyways, they got back together.

I was so shocked when he told me. I mean the whole idea of him fathering a child just...floored me. This is a guy I grew up with. He had his first kiss at 18! He's only had 2 girlfriends, and didn't even tell anybody when he lost his virginity. So I kind of just...never thought about him having sex with anyone! I mean I knew in the back of my mind that he must have, but it wasn't something I ever thought about. So when he mentioned that he'd gotten a girl pregnant I was just... just.... my whole opinion of him kind of flip-flopped. He's not an innocent little boy anymore. I mean not that I thought of him that way, but let's just say, I've never felt comfortable talking about sex in front of Todd because I always thought it might make him uncomfortable. Ya know???
So anyways, now it's coming down to the wire and Todd really is going to be drafted into the NFL. Lots of teams want him and 4 specific teams have asked that he come work out with them. So he will definitely have to move somewhere right after he graduates, and Laura will definitely have to stay here, since she's enrolling in nursing school. And Todd basically expressed to me that he's not sure there would be a point to trying to continue their relationship with all the stuff they're each gonna have going on. Their relationship is already pretty strained as it is, being long distance. Todd says she complains a lot about them never seeing each other. So he's going to talk to Laura about it, in person, when she gets in town tomorrow.
I tried to give him some solid, non-biased advice. I told him that he needed to ask himself, "Is this the person I see myself spending the rest of my life with?" and if it is, then this will only be a minor setback. If 2 people are meant to be together, then they will be. But if not, then...why waste anymore time? Todd has only had 2 girlfriends in his entire life. He's only kissed two girls!! I said he definitely needed to date, be single, experience life without a girlfriend. It's part of growing up and learning who you are. He nodded and seemed to be taking in everything I said.
But in the back of my mind, all I could think about was, When will I ever get my chance??
It's soooo hard because on the one hand, I have Brandon. And I really care about him, but...if he's the one for me, then why can't I get Todd out of my mind? It's like every time I see him, it all comes back. Plus, it's been over 2 months since I told Brandon I love him and it doesn't seem like he's even close to saying it back. What if he never does?? What if I'm just wasting my time??
And on the other hand, I love Todd. I always have. I'm not saying I'm in love with him, just that I love him. And I would be completely crushed if my feelings for him ruined the friendship we have. It would be totally my fault! And he has a lot going on right now, and a lot of things to think about. But when I sit and talk to Todd and just...hang out with him and think how perfect we could be for each other, sometimes I think, I will wait as long I have to for this guy. And it will be worth it as long as I get a shot.
But then I think about how long I'd actually have to wait and that's...a really long time! I mean any sane person in his position, and at his stage in life would have a lot to go through and learn and experience before they could find themselves emotionally ready for marriage or a long-term commitment even. He seriously needs to get out there! Although I can't really classify everyone in that way. Some people never do the dating thing. Some people marry their high school sweethearts and live happily ever after! But not football stars! He's going to have ass thrown at him left and right! And there are gonna be all kinds of douchebag, greedy, fame-hungry people coming after him. And those people aren't going to care about what kind of person he really is on the inside. All they're going to care about is football, fame and money. ((Sigh)) It almost worries me. I don't think he's ready for that. He's so...kind. And accepting. Almost naive. But Todd tells me he's a good judge of character, and that he only has a few friends so it shouldn't be hard to pick those people out. He does have a point. Todd used to to be so shy, he didn't really start making friends till college. I just hope he's right and he doesn't get duped by some gold digging bitch. Ugh.
Well...enough about Todd.
Brandon wasn't very nice to me tonight. Maybe it's cuz he thought I was paying more attention to Todd than him. But he accidentally hit me in the face when we got home (we were goofing off and I got a shoulder to the eyebrow) and when I said I wasn't ok, he went and got in bed without saying a word to me! Now he's asleep, and I'm up writing this and feeling much less...certain about all things concerning Brandon. I mean for a while I was thinking I could actually see a future with him but now I'm not so sure. Will he be able to give me all the things I want?
Mainly attention, respect and consideration??
The things is...I just don't know.
And as for Todd, I don't think my feelings for him are going to just go away. But I also don't want to continue carrying this torch for him all my life. I'm just gonna have to do something about it, and find out if this means something, or if it's just nothing. But when? How??


Just me said...

I think the only way you will know for sure that Todd is the one for you is by kissing him.

Now, I'm not saying to go up to him and kiss him, especially if you're still with Brandon....however, that is going to be the only way to figure out if you are IN love with him or just love him like a friend or brother.

My friend Ashley has been friends with this amazing guy for over 10 years and he's always been head over heels in love with her, but she just considered him as her best friend. Everyone knew that if she would just give him a chance then he would drop everything just to make her happy.

He was there for her through every heartbreak and every date that went bad. But finally, she tells me that she thinks she might have some kind of feelings for him but didn't know if they were real or what to do about it. So, I told her to kiss him. If the moment was right just kiss him and then you'll know if what you're feeling is real or if it's just you trying to get rid of your loneliness.

Well, she kissed him and texted me soon after to tell me that it was the most amazing kiss she has ever had and that her feelings were more than real. She knew that the love she had for him was romantic and passionate and not the friend love like she originally thought it was.

So, just put yourself out there and give him a kiss. But only if the moment is there, don't force it.

haha wow this has gotten long. Hope everything turns out good for you hun!

Anonymous said...

look. if you want to be with brandon, you need to make that decision, and then keep all guys you have residual feelings for at a distance. it's not fair to brandon. there will always be people you will be attracted to, or interested in, and when you make a commitment, you have to just not pursue those feelings, not even emotionally.

but. if you think brandon is not the right person for you, that he can't provide you those basic things you need and deserve, then...you've got to let him go.

but you can't walk the fence. either you're in or out.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. I think you should give Brandon a bit of a break. He just spent the day with you and your guy friend. When he came over to yur house to visit you, and you were getting ready to see another guy..well I would be jealous if I was him. Even if i knew it was stupid to be jealous because you were just friends, it would still be there. And then talking about your past, and him not having anything to say. It would just be awkward. I've been there with my guy and his friends who are girls. It drives me crazy sometimes. There's a bit of casual flirting, or just talking about people I dont know so i sit there not saying anything. He would never do anything with any of them, but still its not the funnest position to be in. So. I dont know, give Brandon a bit of break. Everyone is entitled to their off days (even if those days happen one after another for a bit). Talk to him, or just give him some room. Say "here for you, I'm sorry if I did anything, I love you, let's go get some food and move on from this grumpy mood". Or something like that? :) Hope this helps!

Ashley said...

Dear World,

I miss your one and only inhabitant, Peyton.

A faithful reader

Anonymous said...

any new posts? sorry if i sound impatient, its just that i've been checking for one every day... :)