Can't Let Go

((Sigh)) I've been dreading this post. But I need to just write it all down, put it all out there and get it over with.

Brandon and I broke up today.

This is how it all started...

Last night, Brandon and I drove to work together. It was crazy busy, since you know, it was St. Patrick's Day. We made really good money and at the end of the night, even though I was exhausted, I was in high spirits thinking I almost have enough cash to buy my ticket to Europe! Brandon, however, was not catching onto my good mood. On the drive home I tried to ask him how his night went and start up conversation, but he kept giving me short, one word answers in a "don't bother me" voice. When we got back to my place, his mood progressed into angry annoyance. I couldn't figure out why he was so peeved, so I asked him what was wrong.

"I've been awake for 24 hours. I'm tired. Sorry if I'm not as chipper as you." He said, glaring at me.

"Well sorry, I know you're tired but you still don't have to take it out on me."

"If you hadn't slept in 24 hours, you wouldn't be in a good mood either." He plopped down on the couch and put up his feet as if he were going to sleep. I sat on top of his legs and went to check my email. By the time I was done, it looked as if he might actually have dozed off.

"Brandon. Get up, let's go to bed." I said, shaking him lightly.

He jerked his arm out from under me and insisted that he wanted to sleep on the couch.

"Why???" I asked.

"Because I have to get up in like an hour!"

"I thought you didn't have to go into work early tomorrow?" I said, referring to what he'd told me earlier that day.

"Well I don't, but if I go in late, I have to stay late, and I don't wanna stay late."

I sighed.

"Well, you can't sleep on the couch. That's ridiculous. You're gonna wake up with a crick in your neck, now come on." I grabbed his arm and pulled.

He resisted.

"If you don't get up, I'm going to tickle you." I threatened.

And I actually had to do it! Finally he got up and stormed into my bedroom where he got in my bed with all his clothes on pulled the covers up over his head.

"I don't understand why you're being so mean to me." I said as I climbed into bed next to him.

He didn't say anything.

The next morning, or rather, an hour later, his alarm went off. I hadn't even fallen asleep yet! I tried to wake him up, but he just kept pressing his snooze button and ignoring me.

"Brandon!" I said in a hoarse whisper, "Do you need to get up or not??"

He still ignored me.

"Fine. Well don't blame me for you being late. I tried." And I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, which I had a really hard time of since his alarm kept going off every 10 minutes.

I must have gotten around 3 hours of sleep when my alarm went off. Dentist appointment. Ugh.

So I got up, ate breakfast, and started getting ready.

"Where are you going?" Brandon mumbled as I got dressed.

"I have a dentist appointment."

When I was ready to go I walked over to the bed.

"I'm leaving." I said.

"Ok."

I walked back towards the door to leave, but paused. Even though I was mad, I should still give him a kiss goodbye, because if it was me, I'd want him to give me one. So I walked back over to him and kissed him goodbye.

After my dentist appointment, I went to get a pedicure. While I was sitting in the chair, Brandon texted me that he was sorry about last night.

"I don't know why I've been mean to you."

Me: Me neither.

B: U prob hate me

Me: No I don't. It's just...I feel like this has been happening a lot lately, on top of the fact that you seem to think I'm too needy, and it's causing me to think a lot about our relationship.

B: Well I don't know what to do??

B: All this is my fault anyway.

Me: you can't always expect me to tell you what to do or say. I feel like we've become...stagnant. and I've just been trying to figure out what it means. Because if this is as good as it gets then...what's the point of continuing it?: If there's no room for growth, then why waste time? And you never wanna tell me how you feel so it's like...I just have to figure it out on my own.

Me: In the beginning of our relationship, I was so happy. What changed?? Why? In the beginning you were...interested in me! I don't feel like you are anymore. Most of the time I feel like I'm either boring or annoying you.

B: That's because I stopped doing everything else. I stopped going to the gym, work and most of all, golf. Yea it was cool at first, but slowly I was losing who I was I would always make excuses for everything, or put it off till later. When I turned into the new year I was going to make an effort to get back to what I was doing before. 

B: So since then I have been doing so but at the same time I have no time to do anything. And I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't have everything go my way.

Me: ((Sigh)) You always blame everything on you being busy and I keep telling you it's not about that. your interest level and your schedule have nothing to do with each other! I'm not asking you to give up what you do or who you are. It's your attitude. It's the things you say. It's the things you DON'T say. And it's the way you talk to me. It's the amount of thought and effort you put into it, not the amount of time.

Me: Do I make you happy? Because if I don't, then why are we doing this??

B: Well I can't make you happy! All I am is a let down to you.

Me:That feeling sorry for yourself act isn't gonna work. If you really believe that then I suggest you do something about it. And you still didn't answer the question.

B: Yes. But I can't stop everything that is going on. U will just have to understand that there will be times when I can't be with you, or see you.

Me: DUH. I JUSt told you today and yesterday that this isn't about you being with me enough. It's the way you are WHEN you're with me.

Me: It's like this: you don't just buy a plant and water it for the first few weeks.  You have to continue to water it, or it will die, no matter how thriving it once was.

B: What do you expect out of this relationship?

ME: That's a loaded question. If our relationship is going to last, I want it to bloom, not just...be flat, static. What I expect from you is that you'll treat me with respect and kindness.

B: I do respect u. And I'm kind to u.

Me: I know. And that includes taking your frustrations out on me which I do not appreciate. But there are other things that I don't expect you to to, that I wish you would do. Mainly be more thoughtful. What do you expect?

B: I don't expect anything. I'm just having fun with u and life in general. I mean I'm not looking to settle down anytime soon. I would like to get married some day.

Me: Well how far down the line is "some day"? And my 2nd question is...why not?? What's wrong with settling down? If you wanna go out and party and sleep with girls then obviously you wouldn't wanna settle down.

B: Just nothing in the near future. I'm just not ready for that. I have so much more to learn. Subtract the party time and the girls and plug in my personal goals and then you'll have the right answer.

B: I'm not getting any younger and I need to make a move now towards what I want out of life or I'm going to see it slip away. Once you settle down, all that goes out the window. Then you have a different outlook on life and about what's important to u. And it's not about u anymore it's about 2 people that are together as 1 trying to make it through life.

Me: Well yea...but 2 ppl that support each other and each other's goals. Just because you settle down with some1, doesn't mean you lose yourself or your life. You just have to find a balance.

B: Well in my case yea, because it's different with golf. It takes too much time being away.

Me: You're lucky, because you know exactly what you want for yourself and you know what you have to do to get it. Me...I know part of what I want and I know partly how to get it. So I guess when it comes to love, THAT I'm certain of. I wanna get married and have some1 to share things with. I want a companion in life. And I'm about to be 25! That may seem young to you, but I don't wanna be single when I'm 30. So I'm done playing games with boys. I'm looking for the real thing now.

B: I tried that and with work and golf there is very little balance. It's like 2 full-time jobs.

Me: Most pro golfers are married, Brandon. And they have families. And there are ppl out there who have way more demanding jobs! It doesn't matter. If it's important to you, and you want it to work, then you'll make it work.

B: Yea but before they married they were on the course day in and day out.

Me: Ok well obviously we haven't been together long enough to even be considering marriage and I didn't mean to get into this. I just want things to change. Remember when I used to wake up and find you'd straightened my living room?? That was the simplest gesture you could have made, but it meant so much to me because 1) I didn't ask you to do it 2) I was surprised 3) it showed me that you cared. And that's all I want from you.

B: Yea but I do that just cause. No reason. If I clean your place I don't expect anything, I just did it to help. And when I'm 30, it won't bother me if I'm single. It's just a number to me.

Me: Well you're gonna be 30 before me. 

B: I know so you shouldn't worry about it, you're not even half way.

Me: Yea well in case you forgot, you're my boyfriend.

B: I know.

Me: So do you see a future with me at all?? Or not? You should know by now if it's a possibility, so don't tell me you don't know.

B: At this point I can't tell you that I do. I would rather be in ur life as a friend than an enemy at the end. I think that in the end I'm going to break your heart. 

B: Because I'm not going to be able to give you the time and full attention that you deserve.

Me: Ok. Sooo you wanna break up with me?

B: I don't but it's not going to be good because there are mixed feelings. You would expect something and I would think differently. We will end up fighting or hating each other.

Me: Sooo...you don't want to break up with me now, but you do later?? Whatever you do at this point, you've already just broken my heart, so you may as well just tell me what you want and spare me the bullshit about what might happen and those stupid scenarios.

B: Well I told you that I would let you down. Sorry for doing this. It's not going to work between us. So I will leave you in peace and hope for the best.

Me: Leave me in peace and hope for the best?? What the hell does that mean??

B: Even though you probably think this is bullshit, I'm hurt that it has to happen like this. 

B: Nothing I just don't want drama or beef between us at work. I'm not trying to make this difficult.

Me: You're not hurt! It doesn't have to happen like this. YOU'RE doing this because you think you're going to let me down. I accidentally fell in love with you and you broke my heart because you're too scared to feel anything back. Fuck work! I can't believe you're even bringing that up.

B: I would rather not say anything than fake it.

Me: What?? Then don't fake it. Tell me the truth.

B: I am and you're blowing up in my face.

Me: No I'm not. I'm reacting to what you just did to me. You can't even talk to me face to face. You're texting me from work.

B: Yea I'm a douchebag, go ahead and say it.

Me: No. I'm not going to tell you you're a piece of shit because if I thought that, I wouldn't be heart broken over what I just lost. I just...can't believe you're doing this to me.

B: Being face to face would just lead to fighting and words will come out that I don't mean. See, you had way too big of expectations for me.

Me: No. I didn't. Respect and kindness are things I expect from everyone. You just think I expect things and you're using that as an excuse.

B: Well you are acting like you lost everything you had.

Me: IT kind of feels that way right now. Just out of the blue...

B: Yea I can tell this is going to be a battle.

Me: When you love someone, the tendency is to fight for them.

B: I don't love you!! I care about you but I don't love you!! I don't know what to feel around you.

**Ouch. That one really hit home and I almost just stopped talking to him all together.**

Me: Ok.

Me: I was talking about me, but ok.

B: I still want you in my life, I just can't give you what you want out of me. It's not fair to you.

Me: I'm calling your bullshit. Stop blaming me for you breaking up with me. 

B: I'm not blaming you.

Me: I can't be in your life anymore, Brandon. Not now.

B: Ok I understand.

Me: Then why do I feel like this is my fault?? All I wanted was to be happy. And be with you. I wasn't asking for a 10 carat engagement ring.

B: It's nobody's fault, it's just the way events have been leading up to this.

Me: Events?? What events?? You mean you pushing me away??

Me: You know what, nevermind. I can't talk about this anymore. It's making me sick.

**I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe**

B: No, just everything in general. Me letting you down more than once. Not having any time for you. Being boring.

Me: You're not boring. Look, you don't have to say anything else. Just...leave me alone.

B: Alright that's fine.

And that was it.

I sat on my couch and sobbed for an hour. I called my sister. No answer. I called my mom. No answer. So I sobbed some more.

My mom finally called back. She made me feel a little bit better, until she said, "Well at least you had an experience with a good boyfriend for once."

"What's the point if it hurts so much more when they break up with you?" I cried.

She tried to console me but it wasn't really helping. 

When I got off the phone with her, I texted Melissa. She's always been my love guru. I explained everything, told her I felt like I was to blame for forcing the issue. That was obviously a conversation neither of us was ready for and we should have just...saved it for another day. Much further down the road.

She asked me if I apologized for being pushy. 

"No, should I?" I asked.

"Yes! Tell him you're sorry and that you care about him and that you'll miss him."

So I did. And the texts continue...

Me: I'm sorry if I was being pushy. I didn't mean to force anything out of you. If this is really what you want then I guess there's nothing I can say or do to change your mine. But you know how I feel about you, and I'm really going to miss you.

B: I'm not trying to do this to be an asshole to you. I just want you to be happy and I clearly wasn't doing that. I know that you will find a guy that will blow me out of the water. I'm nobody special.

Me: It doesn't really matter why you're doing it. You don't feel the same way I do. You said it yourself, you don't love me. You're ok with never sleeping here again, never hugging me again, never kissing me again...and I'm not. That's all I need to know. You can try and convince yourself that you're doing me a favor, to make yourself feel better, but you're not. I think you're special. That's why I was with you in the first place.

B: I'm sorry I was a disappointment to you.

Me: YOU WEREN'T. STOP SAYING THAT! I'm disappointed that you'd rather chalk it up to "oh well it's just not gonna work" and give up without a fight. Without even talking about it! And I'm disappointed that that kiss I gave you this morning is the last one I'm gonna get. I'm disappointed now because I WAS happy. Now I'm not.

B: You think I'm happy with this outcome?

Me: I don't know! I just don't understand it! If you're not happy, and I'm not happy, then how can this be the right thing to do?? Nobody knows what the future holds. All I know is what's important to me. And YOU ARE important to me.

B: But I also have to be truthful with you and I don't like going through the motions.

Me: What do you mean??

B: I will tell you this. If you really want to know what's in my head, what makes me tick, you should have lunch with my mom. I have been talking a lot to here about us. And I think you'll find out some things about me that maybe you don't know. She might help this situation out for us.

Me: Well ok. But how? I'm confused.

B: Well I want you to have a different look at me from someone who has been there from the beginning. I just want you to understand my thinking.

B: I want to make it work, and my mom is all for it. I don't want to throw this away just like that.

**BIG sigh of relief!!**

Me: Ok...well if you want me to have lunch with your mom, I will, but I have no idea where this is coming from.

B: It's so you don't think the wrong things about me. My intentions are good and I don't want to stear you in the wrong direction. And because she asked to help because she cares.

Me: Brandon...if ever you are wondering what I think about you, go read the that thing I made you for V-Day. I know things haven't been all honky dorey lately but it's still there underneath. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

B: I know how you feel towards me, believe me, I read the letter. I think my mom will help us out for the future and get things back to the first page where we began.

Me: Ok well I'll talk to your mom whenever. But when are WE going to talk?

B: We can talk tonight.

I'm having dinner with his mom tomorrow. She called me around 6. Right now I have the world's worst headache from crying, and I'm so exhausted, but I don't think I could sleep tonight unless I know that Brandon and I are ok. ((Sigh))

He's on his way over now.