The Cost Of Closure

Ok I have no idea what to get for Brandon for Valentine's Day! And what's worse, is that I have absolutely no idea what he's getting me! And I know how he procrastinates, so I hope he's at least put some thought into it by now. ((Sigh))

Well I guess I should try to update you all on what's been going on lately. And I should probably pause the Family Guy too; it's quite distracting.

Well I've been working a lot, and I'm getting sick again. Ugh... Brandon and I have been hanging out more than usual during the week, which has been nice.

The other day I cleaned, rearranged and painted my bedroom (a lovely shade of purple, my fav!) and as I was going through my closet, I found one of my old journals. I used to write in a journal almost every night, from the time I was about 10 until, well...2006, when my mom got hold of one of them and I realized it was probably a bad idea for me to keep my biggest secrets in writing for anyone to find. I went for a while without writing at all, but I missed that release, you know, and the clarity that comes from writing, which is when I decided to start my blog!

Anyways, back to my original point. I found this journal, halfway finished, from 2006, back when I was with The Psycho. And I sat down and started reading it and it was like...looking back on a person I hardly knew. And yet, that person was me! I'm so different now, it's strange to be able to look at something and tangibly see how much I've changed over the past few years. Mostly all I wrote about was how much me and [The Psycho] fought and how hard I tried, and subsequently failed, to please him. It was quite pathetic actually. I mean I went to the most ridiculous lengths because I thought I was in love with this guy. This rude, immature, mean, inconsiderate, unappreciative asshole! How could I have possibly thought I loved him?!

When I got to one particular entry, I started to cry. Partly because I felt sorry for my younger self, and partly because I wish I could have granted myself the wisdom I now have and gotten out of that awful relationship sooner. If only I knew then, what I knew now. So at first, I cried, and then I started to laugh, because I realized, that as horrible as that whole experience was, it shaped me, and has helped me to recognize and appreciate what a great guy Brandon is. 

And then I closed the journal and I thought about The Psycho. 

You know, he still calls me. From Iraq. He called me kind of recently actually. I don't even know why. It's not like we have anything much to say to each other. I know he wishes that I will miss him and want him back but he also must know that that would never happen in a million years. And sometimes I have nightmares where he haunts me in my sleep, and I wake up cursing his existence, and hating him, and wishing I could tell him how much he screwed me up. It's like I malfunction sometimes. It's like I'm this machine with a glitch that short circuits at random and unexpected times. ((Sigh))

So in that moment of clarity that I had, I just couldn't set my spite aside. I wrote The Psycho an email. And this is what it said.

Well first, let me start by saying, you were an asshole.
A huge, vacuous, sucking void of an asshole. Ugh.
Second, let me say that I'm not writing this to you to rub it in what an asshole you were. Actually, I'm writing this to thank you for being such an asshole.
I was reading my journal today. It's the last journal I ever wrote in. You know, the one my parents found and read, and then decided they hated you for sure? Well I was reading it, and it's really weird to read something that I wrote a long time ago because it's like... I know that I wrote it, but at the same time, I was a completely different person then, than I am now. So it's still kind of hard to relate to my younger self. Anyway, I'm going to copy some of what I wrote, because I think you should finally know a little bit about what I went through back in those days and how it's affected the turn of events.


Wednesday, April 5 2006
"[The Psycho] is joining the Army tomorrow. ((sigh)) And he doesn't even wanna stay here with me for the rest of summer. I arrange SO many things around him, and he can't even do this ONE thing for me. And what kills me the most, is that he doesn't even WANT to! He says he won't be leaving for a long time, but if he's leaving before the end of summer, that's not long at all! I try to talk to him about it, and he says I'm bad-mouthing his decisions and making it rough on him. Then he hung up on me! 
((Sigh)) I don't know what to do.
I mean I love him, and I want this to work, but it's just becoming more difficult to be with him when he constantly makes me feel like he doesn't care nearly as much as I do. WHY doesn't he want to stay and spend time with me this summer before he leaves?? Shouldn't he? I just don't get it. Why doesn't he want me the way I want him? Why doesn't he need me the way I need him??"

Sunday April 9, 2006
"Me and [The Psycho] can't stop fighting. I dunno what to do anymore. I just wanna love him and be with him and not fight. We need to sit down and talk about everything, but he doesn't want to. So I'm left to my own devices. ((sigh))

Tuesday April 11, 2006
"Me and [The Psycho] keep fighting. Today he told me he thinks I'm too closed-minded and I don't "suit" him. Then he told me our sex life is boring and I don't do enough different things to turn him on and that's why he never wants to do it. And he told me he thought I should strip for a week so that I could hang out with some strippers and learn how to move like them, be sexy, and turn a guy on. ((sigh)) This relationship is so fucked up. All my friends think I should dump him. Last night he blew up at me because Steven left a comment on my myspace page. Then today it's this. This past weekend it was something else. I don't even know if I'm happy anymore! I mean I know that I love him and I want this to work but... I feel like he's trying to completely change who I am! Why can't he just love me for me? 
No one has ever told me I'm not sexy enough, and no one has ever turned me down for sex. But then...no one has ever made me feel like I'm not good enough, or tried to change me. I'm not really sure how much longer I'm going to put up with this."

Thursday, July 6, 2006
I'm so disappointed with everything right now. It's all going downhill. I went over to [The Psycho]'s last night after work. I had gotten him a shirt and these skull decorations that I thought he'd like. May trained me behind the bar last night too. Just for a couple of hours, but it was fun and she says I'll make a good bartender. As soon as I mentioned it to [The Psycho], he got all mad and told me I may as well leave. His niece and nephew were there too and witnessed the whole thing. When I went out to the car to bring him the stuff he said, "what did you steal this from our manager while you were being a badassbartender??" in a very smartass, mean tone. So I said, "I'm gonna go" and his niece was like, "[The Psycho], I told you to be nice!" I went and got my shoes out of his room and he started yelling at me when I got to the door saying I was being an asshole. I said, "I'm not being an asshole [The Psycho]. YOU are." And I walked out. Then he came outside, grabbed my arm in his bruising death grip, and told me to NEVER call him again and got all dramatic...((sigh)) We had our usual argument in his driveway, he shoved and threatened me, and I ended up giving in and going back inside with him. We didn't fight anymore after that, but of course he didn't hug or kiss me goodbye or anything. I had asked him a couple days ago if he'd go see Pirates II with me at midnight tonight. He said maybe. Then today when I asked him about it, he said he couldn't cuz he's going over to STACY'S house and she's gonna take his pictures and make him a model or some stupid shit like that...whatever. That just makes me so mad. He totally brushes me off to go hang out with some stupid chick. And he doesn't even SEE what a jerk he's being. I'm so upset about all this. He keeps jerking me around. And last night was kind of like...a light bulb in my head reminding me what an ASS he really is most of the time. ((sigh)) I love him, but I don't really want to be with him. But I DO really want to be with him. I don't know WHAT I want. I just wish he would be nice to me. And appreciate me. ((Sigh)) I know I should just move on, but that's much easier said than done. And it's kinda hard too when [The Psycho]'s doing everything in his power to keep that from happening. I need a date. With a cute, nice guy. I wish things with [The Model] hadn't turned out the way they did. I wish he lived here and not in New York. Ugh. ((Sigh)) I wish wayyyy too many things."

Monday, July 17 2006
"I'm really tired of being [The Psycho]'s last priority. It's just not fair. I try to do exactly what he wants me to do and be exactly what he wants or needs me to be but...he refuses even to acknowledge that! I feel like I'm a burden to him. He says I need to change my outlook. And maybe he's right, but my common sense tells me a change in outlook will make me realize I don't need him at all."



I could go on writing more journal entries, but here's the important one. The one that really hit home.

Monday, July 31, 2006
"I've come to the realization, although not at all shocking, that I don't need OR want to be with someone like [The Psycho]. I mean, I do still really care about him, but we're just on 2 totally different levels right now. We want different things.
I want a boyfriend who will tell me how he feels about me, who will hold my hand at the movies, a boyfriend who doesn't call me names when he's mad or start stupid fights as a result of his own insecurities. I want a boyfriend who's confident on the INSIDE as well as the outside, who's fun, spontaneous, masculine and attractive. Someone who will really be there for me, who knows when I'm having a bad day and tries to make me feel better. Someone who likes me for who I am and enjoys just having me around. A guy who thinks I'm sexy and knows he's lucky to have me. But most of all, I want a MAN. Not just a guy. A man who wants me. Me. A man who wants to be with me. Not just a part of me, but the whole me, just as I am."


You know, I started to cry when I read that entry. It was the weirdest thing because I started to feel the way I was feeling when I wrote that journal entry. Which was sad, forlorn, confused, hopeless... And then I started to laugh because I realized, I've FOUND that guy! And I might never have known how lucky I am, or how special he is, if I hadn't had those experiences with you. I may never have realized how much I've grown if I hadn't read that old journal.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, thanks a lot asshole.  

Ok sorry, I realize that's a little bit long-winded and repetitive, in lieu of all the journal excerpts but you get the point. And I feel much better after sending that to him. I mean, before I never would have told him what I was really thinking, which is why I wrote it all down in the journal. But it just felt so good to finally let him know what a dick he really was! And how happy I am now, despite all that. He hasn't read it yet, but he will, and I'm sure he'll respond.Maybe it was foolish. Maybe it was immature. Maybe it was superfluous.

Meh.

I don't care!

It felt good.