Well, I talked to a couple confidants about the porn thing, and they both said I had nothing to worry about, and actually, we ended up laughing about it. So...I guess I did overreact a little bit. It was mostly the shock. I just...was not expecting that at all.
Well, that's in the past now! I got my puppy! And I did decide to stick with Jasper.
He's perfect! He's a lot smaller than Oliver was at 8 weeks. And he's more curly, and more...poof-ballish. Lol. He's so cute though!! He's definitely more feisty. He barks when he wants attention.
Here's a couple pictures for your viewing pleasure! I definitely have more to come!
OMGOMGOMG!! I'M GOING TO EUROPE THIS JUNE!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!! I was talking to Emma on Facebook the other day. I had noticed she posted this old song we wrote, the last time I went to Slovakia with her, right after we graduated high school. We were total dorks. Anyways, she's living there temporarily right now, with her mom, who just had a baby a few months ago. And I had been thinking about her a lot lately. We used to be practically sisters, and somehow, we drifted apart, and it makes me sad. Well, when I was looking through my old games for Game Night last Wednesday, I found this old game that Emma and I used to LOVE. It's called Herd Your Horses. Lol. We were total horse freaks in junior high. And it just got me thinking about our friendship, and how much I miss her. So I got on Facebook to send her a message, and as it turned out, she had just tagged me in a note! And it was our song "The 12 Days of Christmas: Peyton and Emma style". Lol. Which basically is a list of potty-humor type things we got for Christmas, but still hilarious. She found it in her desk when she got back to their old apartment in Slovakia. So anyways, we started talking, and she mentioned that I should come visit and I started thinking... You know? Why not? Now is as good a time as any. I'm working a job where I could easily leave for a couple weeks and come back, no big deal. And I'm young, and not married, and I don't really have any huge obligations that would restrict traveling... So I'm gonna do it! And the other cool part is, Sophie and Brent are gonna be backpacking around Europe this summer too! Sort of like a quasi-honeymoon type thing. So we're all gonna meet up in Slovakia and then travel to Prague together. Emma and I are gonna go a bunch of other places too, and then possibly meet back up with Sophie and Brent in Amsterdam. Anyways, I am soooo excited!!! And what's funny is, my mom just pointed out that my tarot card reader told me I was gonna go to Europe this year! And I had forgotten all about that! Except he said I'd be going in October, and I'm going in June, but still... OOOOh and I can't stop thinking about all the amazing photos I'm gonna get! I'm definitely gonna do a photoshoot with Emma while I'm there. She's very exotic looking and therefore beautifully photogenic. And I have some really great ideas! When I told Brandon about it, he said it was a great idea and immediately offered to watch my puppy! He won't be around much this summer anyways cuz he has so many golf tournaments. Although, in 5 months, he won't be much of a puppy anymore! Speaking of my puppy, I'm really disappointed because he was supposed to be arriving tomorrow, but because of the airline pet restrictions, he can't come till Wednesday. Something about the temperature not being right. ((sigh)) It really sucks too cuz I took 2 days off work so that I could spend time with him, and now he's not even gonna be here! And when he does get here, I am gonna have to work! Ugh! It's too late to rearrange my work schedule now. Oh well, I'm sure the airlines are strict about that stuff for a good reason. I'm still struggling with a name though. I really wanna name him after someone from a book or movie that I like. PLEASE HELP ME!!!
Well Brandon and I talked about the whole "I don't believe you actually love me thing". I asked him what made him think I didn't mean it.
"Even if you don't wanna believe the words, can't you feel that I love you??" I asked.
He seemed thoughtful.
"Yea...I do. I see what you're saying. It's just...I feel bad when you say that to me, because I can't say anything back!"
"You don't have to say anything back. I just say it because I want to. It doesn't upset me that you don't say it back." I explained.
"Well, it's just that that's a really big deal for me, and I said to a girl once, and she didn't say it back, and it really hurt my feelings. And I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but I'm just not...ready to say it." He said.
"That's ok! I don't want you to say it until you want to say it. So don't worry about me. Ok?"
"Ok." He said as he pulled me into a hug.
"I love you." I said, and smiled.
*******************************
Valentine's Day was bittersweet. What with Brandon being sick, he couldn't go anywhere or do anything, and he got increasingly more restless. And since we were together the whole time, neither of us got a chance to do any gift shopping. Since we both had to work on Saturday, our plans were to celebrate V-Day on the 15th. So on Saturday we both went out shopping, separately of course. I bought some scrap-booking stuff (pretty paper, colored pens, stickers, and tiny red rhinestones) and I wrote him a long manifesto, telling him why I love him.
This is what it said:
When I first started to fall for you, I told myself it was impossible. It was too soon and there was no way I could feel so strongly about a person after just a couple of months. But the more I denied it, the more I realized it was true. I was falling in love with you. The heart is not something that can be easily denied, or ignored. So I wrestled with telling you. So many times I wanted to tell you, and so many times I almost blurted it out, but I held back, because I didn’t want to scare you. Then, on that horrible, fateful day, I realized that even the best things in life can’t last forever. Sometimes, they are so fleeting, you can barely hold onto them long enough to realize what you have. And that was when I knew I had to tell you I love you. Because there may never be a “right moment”. There may never be a moment at all. So when I finally told you, you asked why. And the answer may be long, but it’s still pretty simple. From the moment I first met you, I knew there was something different about you. You think differently from most people, and so do I. You are your own person. And something about the way you are gives off an air of amused indifference. You always know how to make me smile, and laugh. And even now, I still have more fun with you than with anybody else. You’re funny, goofy and weird, just like me, and it’s nice to be able to relate to a significant other on that level. You’re strong, and determined, and not afraid to go after what you want; all qualities that I find extremely sexy. ;) You don’t let your insecurities get in the way of your dreams. And when you doubt yourself, I’m sad for you, because I know you’re capable of so many things, and that is why I will always be there to encourage you. When I’m upset, sad, or unhappy for any reason, you always notice. And instead of pretending not to notice, you ask me what’s wrong, and try to make me feel better. That’s more than I can say for most people, and you don’t know how much I appreciate that. You’re so thoughtful and considerate. The little things you do for me never go unnoticed. Cleaning my apartment, cooking me dinner, doing the dishes, bringing over ice cream, or doughnuts, or iced tea… I could go on and on. But I love you for it. When you hug me, I feel warm, and safe, and content. Those are the best kind of hugs. And when you kiss me, whether it is a playful kiss, a passionate kiss, or just a goodbye kiss, I still get butterflies every time. And even thinking about kissing you makes me smile. I sleep the best when you’re next to me, and waking up to find you next to me, or even just in the next room, makes my day start out brighter. No matter how much we see each other, I always want more. I just can’t get enough of you! Your brilliant smile, your soft skin, your voice, your smell, your man-dough ;). I want it all, and I want it all the time. And no matter how clear, or unclear the future is when I look into it, I still see you there. Because I love you. And I’m falling more and more in love with you every day. You have captured my heart, Brandon. I’m not sure if you meant to or not, but you did. So it’s yours. Falling in love with someone is not something you choose to do. It just happens. And even though I didn’t choose to fall in love with you, I do it willingly, and with abandon, because loving you is what makes me the happiest I could ever be. And because the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return.
I decorated it really pretty too! That night after work, we both passed out, completely exhausted. The next day, he went to go pick up a doctor's note for work the next day, and I slept in. When I got up, I showered and got ready at my leisure, got a pedi/mani and then waited for Brandon to come pick me up for our date. We ate an amazing dinner at Churrasco's, then we went and saw My Bloody Valentine in 3D. It was pretty crappy, but the 3D stuff was cool. Then we came home, and exchanged cards and gifts. After he read my letter, I asked him if he believed me yet. He smiled and blushed and told me he did.
He got me 2 candles, lotion and perfume from Bath & Body Works. At first, I was a little disappointed because I was hoping for something more...thoughtful, ya know?? And he didn't even wrap it! It was still in the B&BW bag! But then I felt bad for thinking that because he'd been sick and all that. But I still can't help but wonder if his gifts are always gonna be so last minute and generic. ((sigh)) Well, my birthday is coming up in a couple months, so I'm definitely gonna drop some subtle hints as it approaches. Anyways, I actually really like the perfume! It's sweet, and light. So anyways! I told him the rest of his gift would be ready later in the week. Jenna came over and helped me take some sexy photos for Brandon. They actually came out pretty good! I've been editing them the last couple hours. So as soon as I finish them, I'm gonna surprise him with a small photo album!
Last night I hosted my first party at my apartment! It was just a small Game Night. Bethany, Evan, Brandon, Misty, and a few other people from work came. It was so much fun! My kitchen is a huge mess now though. I'm definitely gonna have to spend some time cleaning it tomorrow. But it was totally worth it!
And my last bit of news is, I'm getting my new puppy this Monday!!! I can't wait! I've decided to call him Jasper. My mom is coming with me to the airport to pick him up. I'll be sure to post pictures!
Well he read the message. The Psycho, I mean. He read it! And he didn't respond. I'm surprised he didn't. And I'm finding it hard to admit that I'm a little disappointed. But I guess that's just my selfish, spiteful side coming out. Oh well. I did what I needed to and it's over with. ((Sigh))
Well Brandon has the flu. And he was here all day "resting", at my request. But his idea of resting is completely different from mine. Why are guys such babies when they're sick!? It's like they become caged lions or something! I mean, he literally paced around my apartment all day complaining and sucking the life out of everything! And I was being so patient and so nice to him. I made him hot tea, and dinner, and I waited on him hand and foot! And he was just being so...incorrigible!!! Ugh! I was starting to get really fed up with him when Jenna came over. We haven't really hung out in so long, and I'm supposed to be doing a photoshoot with her soon, so we've been more in touch lately, which is nice.
Anyway, she came over so I could help her dye her roots, and around that time Brandon got a phone call and went outside. Jenna and I got carried away with her looking at my apartment. It's been so long since she's seen it, and she was admiring my colorful walls and decorations. :) Anyway, when Brandon finally came back inside I could tell he was in a rage. He'd been talking to his dad. They have a pretty rocky relationship, and lately it's been...well...bad. Really bad. They work together at the same engineering firm, so anytime Brandon takes a sick day, or goes in to work late, his dad practically harasses him about it. I mean he calls and leaves him messages telling him he's gonna get fired and all this shit. And Brandon just...can't take it. He says his dad never calls just to talk, or see how he's doing, he only wants to badger and belittle him. And Brandon was going on and on about how he wants to quit his job and tell his dad how much he hates him and then never speak to him again! And I just didn't really know what to say. I mean...no matter how mean or insensitive his dad may be, he still loves him. He's his dad. Not everyone knows the best way to connect with their kids. A lot of parents and their children have fall-outs. And it's usually because of a misunderstanding or a lack of proper communication. But it's not really my place to tell Brandon what he should or shouldn't do. I did tell him that no matter what, his dad loves him. And he just said that no, his Dad doesn't, couldn't love him. But Brandon was pretty worked up at the time, so there wasn't really any reasoning with him.
Anyway, once he finished venting, I distracted him with a game of Jenga and he seemed to cheer up noticeably. Then I finally put him to bed. Of course he gave me a lot of hassle about that too. He refused to get in my bed on the grounds that he didn't want to get me sick. Then he grabbed a pillow and plopped down on the floor! I told him he was being ridiculous and he better not make me pick him up and put him in bed. And I tried! But then he thought it would be funny to become dead weight and I nearly threw my back out trying to pick him up! Lol. But I finally convinced him to get in bed. I laid down next to him and put my arm around him.
"Brandon?" I whispered.
"Yea?"
"I love you." I said, squeezing him.
He started to giggle.
"What's so funny???" I asked, starting to laugh myself.
He didn't answer.
"Brandon?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you." I said again.
He laughed even louder.
"What is so funny?" I demanded, "Why are you laughing??"
"Because you don't." He said softly.
"Yes I do." I said, "What makes you say that?"
"I don't believe you."
I wasn't expecting him to say that. It confused me. I didn't say anything else. I stayed there with him for a little bit, before getting up and going back into the living room.
How do you convince someone that you really do love them?
I really. Do. Love him.
((Sigh))
I guess I'm going to have to just keep telling him I do, until he believes me.
Ok I have no idea what to get for Brandon for Valentine's Day! And what's worse, is that I have absolutely no idea what he's getting me! And I know how he procrastinates, so I hope he's at least put some thought into it by now. ((Sigh))
Well I guess I should try to update you all on what's been going on lately. And I should probably pause the Family Guy too; it's quite distracting.
Well I've been working a lot, and I'm getting sick again. Ugh... Brandon and I have been hanging out more than usual during the week, which has been nice.
The other day I cleaned, rearranged and painted my bedroom (a lovely shade of purple, my fav!) and as I was going through my closet, I found one of my old journals. I used to write in a journal almost every night, from the time I was about 10 until, well...2006, when my mom got hold of one of them and I realized it was probably a bad idea for me to keep my biggest secrets in writing for anyone to find. I went for a while without writing at all, but I missed that release, you know, and the clarity that comes from writing, which is when I decided to start my blog!
Anyways, back to my original point. I found this journal, halfway finished, from 2006, back when I was with The Psycho. And I sat down and started reading it and it was like...looking back on a person I hardly knew. And yet, that person was me! I'm so different now, it's strange to be able to look at something and tangibly see how much I've changed over the past few years. Mostly all I wrote about was how much me and [The Psycho] fought and how hard I tried, and subsequently failed, to please him. It was quite pathetic actually. I mean I went to the most ridiculous lengths because I thought I was in love with this guy. This rude, immature, mean, inconsiderate, unappreciative asshole! How could I have possibly thought I loved him?!
When I got to one particular entry, I started to cry. Partly because I felt sorry for my younger self, and partly because I wish I could have granted myself the wisdom I now have and gotten out of that awful relationship sooner. If only I knew then, what I knew now. So at first, I cried, and then I started to laugh, because I realized, that as horrible as that whole experience was, it shaped me, and has helped me to recognize and appreciate what a great guy Brandon is.
And then I closed the journal and I thought about The Psycho.
You know, he still calls me. From Iraq. He called me kind of recently actually. I don't even know why. It's not like we have anything much to say to each other. I know he wishes that I will miss him and want him back but he also must know that that would never happen in a million years. And sometimes I have nightmares where he haunts me in my sleep, and I wake up cursing his existence, and hating him, and wishing I could tell him how much he screwed me up. It's like I malfunction sometimes. It's like I'm this machine with a glitch that short circuits at random and unexpected times. ((Sigh))
So in that moment of clarity that I had, I just couldn't set my spite aside. I wrote The Psycho an email. And this is what it said.
Well first, let me start by saying, you were an asshole. A huge, vacuous, sucking void of an asshole. Ugh. Second, let me say that I'm not writing this to you to rub it in what an asshole you were. Actually, I'm writing this to thank you for being such an asshole. I was reading my journal today. It's the last journal I ever wrote in. You know, the one my parents found and read, and then decided they hated you for sure? Well I was reading it, and it's really weird to read something that I wrote a long time ago because it's like... I know that I wrote it, but at the same time, I was a completely different person then, than I am now. So it's still kind of hard to relate to my younger self. Anyway, I'm going to copy some of what I wrote, because I think you should finally know a little bit about what I went through back in those days and how it's affected the turn of events.
Wednesday, April 5 2006 "[The Psycho] is joining the Army tomorrow. ((sigh)) And he doesn't even wanna stay here with me for the rest of summer. I arrange SO many things around him, and he can't even do this ONE thing for me. And what kills me the most, is that he doesn't even WANT to! He says he won't be leaving for a long time, but if he's leaving before the end of summer, that's not long at all! I try to talk to him about it, and he says I'm bad-mouthing his decisions and making it rough on him. Then he hung up on me! ((Sigh)) I don't know what to do. I mean I love him, and I want this to work, but it's just becoming more difficult to be with him when he constantly makes me feel like he doesn't care nearly as much as I do. WHY doesn't he want to stay and spend time with me this summer before he leaves?? Shouldn't he? I just don't get it. Why doesn't he want me the way I want him? Why doesn't he need me the way I need him??"
Sunday April 9, 2006 "Me and [The Psycho] can't stop fighting. I dunno what to do anymore. I just wanna love him and be with him and not fight. We need to sit down and talk about everything, but he doesn't want to. So I'm left to my own devices. ((sigh))
Tuesday April 11, 2006 "Me and [The Psycho] keep fighting. Today he told me he thinks I'm too closed-minded and I don't "suit" him. Then he told me our sex life is boring and I don't do enough different things to turn him on and that's why he never wants to do it. And he told me he thought I should strip for a week so that I could hang out with some strippers and learn how to move like them, be sexy, and turn a guy on. ((sigh)) This relationship is so fucked up. All my friends think I should dump him. Last night he blew up at me because Steven left a comment on my myspace page. Then today it's this. This past weekend it was something else. I don't even know if I'm happy anymore! I mean I know that I love him and I want this to work but... I feel like he's trying to completely change who I am! Why can't he just love me for me? No one has ever told me I'm not sexy enough, and no one has ever turned me down for sex. But then...no one has ever made me feel like I'm not good enough, or tried to change me. I'm not really sure how much longer I'm going to put up with this."
Thursday, July 6, 2006 I'm so disappointed with everything right now. It's all going downhill. I went over to [The Psycho]'s last night after work. I had gotten him a shirt and these skull decorations that I thought he'd like. May trained me behind the bar last night too. Just for a couple of hours, but it was fun and she says I'll make a good bartender. As soon as I mentioned it to [The Psycho], he got all mad and told me I may as well leave. His niece and nephew were there too and witnessed the whole thing. When I went out to the car to bring him the stuff he said, "what did you steal this from our manager while you were being a badassbartender??" in a very smartass, mean tone. So I said, "I'm gonna go" and his niece was like, "[The Psycho], I told you to be nice!" I went and got my shoes out of his room and he started yelling at me when I got to the door saying I was being an asshole. I said, "I'm not being an asshole [The Psycho]. YOU are." And I walked out. Then he came outside, grabbed my arm in his bruising death grip, and told me to NEVER call him again and got all dramatic...((sigh)) We had our usual argument in his driveway, he shoved and threatened me, and I ended up giving in and going back inside with him. We didn't fight anymore after that, but of course he didn't hug or kiss me goodbye or anything. I had asked him a couple days ago if he'd go see Pirates II with me at midnight tonight. He said maybe. Then today when I asked him about it, he said he couldn't cuz he's going over to STACY'S house and she's gonna take his pictures and make him a model or some stupid shit like that...whatever. That just makes me so mad. He totally brushes me off to go hang out with some stupid chick. And he doesn't even SEE what a jerk he's being. I'm so upset about all this. He keeps jerking me around. And last night was kind of like...a light bulb in my head reminding me what an ASS he really is most of the time. ((sigh)) I love him, but I don't really want to be with him. But I DO really want to be with him. I don't know WHAT I want. I just wish he would be nice to me. And appreciate me. ((Sigh)) I know I should just move on, but that's much easier said than done. And it's kinda hard too when [The Psycho]'s doing everything in his power to keep that from happening. I need a date. With a cute, nice guy. I wish things with [The Model] hadn't turned out the way they did. I wish he lived here and not in New York. Ugh. ((Sigh)) I wish wayyyy too many things."
Monday, July 17 2006 "I'm really tired of being [The Psycho]'s last priority. It's just not fair. I try to do exactly what he wants me to do and be exactly what he wants or needs me to be but...he refuses even to acknowledge that! I feel like I'm a burden to him. He says I need to change my outlook. And maybe he's right, but my common sense tells me a change in outlook will make me realize I don't need him at all."
I could go on writing more journal entries, but here's the important one. The one that really hit home.
Monday, July 31, 2006 "I've come to the realization, although not at all shocking, that I don't need OR want to be with someone like [The Psycho]. I mean, I do still really care about him, but we're just on 2 totally different levels right now. We want different things. I want a boyfriend who will tell me how he feels about me, who will hold my hand at the movies, a boyfriend who doesn't call me names when he's mad or start stupid fights as a result of his own insecurities. I want a boyfriend who's confident on the INSIDE as well as the outside, who's fun, spontaneous, masculine and attractive. Someone who will really be there for me, who knows when I'm having a bad day and tries to make me feel better. Someone who likes me for who I am and enjoys just having me around. A guy who thinks I'm sexy and knows he's lucky to have me. But most of all, I want a MAN. Not just a guy. A man who wants me. Me. A man who wants to be with me. Not just a part of me, but the whole me, just as I am."
You know, I started to cry when I read that entry. It was the weirdest thing because I started to feel the way I was feeling when I wrote that journal entry. Which was sad, forlorn, confused, hopeless... And then I started to laugh because I realized, I've FOUND that guy! And I might never have known how lucky I am, or how special he is, if I hadn't had those experiences with you. I may never have realized how much I've grown if I hadn't read that old journal.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, thanks a lot asshole.
Ok sorry, I realize that's a little bit long-winded and repetitive, in lieu of all the journal excerpts but you get the point. And I feel much better after sending that to him. I mean, before I never would have told him what I was really thinking, which is why I wrote it all down in the journal. But it just felt so good to finally let him know what a dick he really was! And how happy I am now, despite all that. He hasn't read it yet, but he will, and I'm sure he'll respond.Maybe it was foolish. Maybe it was immature. Maybe it was superfluous.
Well, as you all know, today is Superbowl Sunday. Ugh... I have to work at 4 o'clock and it's gonna be at least 6 hours of yelling and screaming and giving me a headache before I can come home and relax! The reason I haven't posted in a while is cuz I've been reading Brisingr, by Chris Paolini and I can't put it down! Literally. Lol. So that's pretty much what I've been doing in all my spare time.
Things have gotten a lot better since my last post. I've decided that I am getting a new puppy! My parents, and Brandon both think I should, and it's been awfully lonely here in my apartment. So I've been in contact with Oliver's breeders, and I'm getting a full brother! He'll be ready in late February. Now I'm just trying to pick out names again. I'm thinking about Roran, from my book obviously, and calling him Rory for short. But...I dunno. I'm still undecided. Ideas anyone??
Brandon is stripping in my living room right now. Lol. For some reason, he never gets dressed/undressed in the bedroom, he always just piles his shit on the couch as soon as he walks in the door and gets dressed right there. I can never understand it!
Well anyways, I gotta get in the shower and start getting ready for dreaded work!
