Finally Some Time To Relax

This weekend was pretty fun. I worked the opening shift Friday, so I had the night off. Me and Todd and Misty went out. Todd was in town for his dad's birthday, and Misty happened to be off work, so we all got together. We bar hopped all over Houston and had a blast. We ended up at my bar, of course, and Brandon was working. As we were walking in, Todd spotted Laura. His ex. She was standing outside waiting for the valet with 2 guys and a girl. And one of the guys had his arm around her, rubbing her back.

"Laura's here." Todd said under his breath.

"What? Where??" I looked around till I spotted them. "Ok well, quick! Let's get inside." I said, as I ushered Todd inside.

"Her friend just texted me." Todd said as we walked up to the bar.

"What did she say?" I asked.

"Umm...well she called me a douche bag. She said, 'Laura had a feeling you'd be with that girl, and you are-instantly crushed'." He read the text aloud.

"What the hell?? Just ignore her. It's none of her business what you're doing anyways." I said.

But Todd ignored my advice and wrote her friend back anyways. He told her that "That Girl" (aka me) has a boyfriend, and that Laura seemed to be doing just fine. ((Sigh)) I left him to his devices after that.

After the bar closed, a group of us all went to IHOP. It was me, Brandon, Todd Bethany, Tugg and Brandon's sister, Summer. We talked and ate and had a really good time. Finally around 5am, me and my boys headed back to my apartment. Todd had to stay on my couch cuz his little bro dropped him off at my place on their way in from out of town. Me and Brandon cuddled all night and I slept like a rock! My slightly inebriated state might have had something to do with that. ;)

The next morning, we all left at about the same time. I had to take Todd home, and Brandon went to the golf course. I took Jasper with me so that I could take him to the dog park after I dropped off Todd. Alyssa and Russ met me and Jasper at the dog park. Overall, Saturday was a long and busy, but fun day! I spent the afternoon with my parents, and the evening at work. And by the end of the night, I was exhausted!

Now it's Sunday and I'm relaxing on my couch in sweats, watching TV and doing laundry. Just what I need! Ahhhhh...

We Can Work It Out

I guess I left a lot of you wondering if Brandon and I were staying together or breaking up. But we are staying together.

That night, Brandon came over and we talked.

I explained where I'm coming from, and he explained where he was coming from. He tends to get a little ahead of himself sometimes and freak out about things that he shouldn't even be thinking about. And I probably do the same thing. 

I told him it really hurt when he told me he doesn't love me. He said he told me he wasn't ready to say it, and I said I know that and I don't want him to say it until he's ready, but it just...stung. 

Basically he's in a place where he's uncertain about the future because he's trying to get all his shit together with golf and everything. And he knows he cares about me but he doesn't wanna make me any promises he can't keep.

And I told him that I am looking for someone to spend forever with, and I see him as a possibility, but I don't wanna wait around forever. I can wait for a while, just not forever.

So yesterday, I met his mom for  dinner around 6. Surprisingly it was nice. It wasn't awkward, or forced, or uncomfortable. We just talked. And she had a lot of enlightening things to say. I mean, most of it was stuff I already knew, but it was stuff that I hadn't really thought would affect our relationship.

She said he's a little afraid of commitment (just like every other guy) and he has a hard time opening up. But I guess when they talked, she told him that if he wasn't gonna communicate with me, and let his guard down, then our relationship would never work. And she told me that he really cares about me.

A lot of his issues about love and commitment stem from his relationship with his dad. I already knew that he and his dad didn't have the best relationship. And his mom was able to shed a little more light on that. Brandon has been seeking his dad's approval since he was a boy, and he's never gotten it, and he probably never will. His father is cold, and practically emotionless. He doesn't support Brandon, or encourage him. He cuts him down, points out all his flaws, checks up on him at work all the time, and generally just treats him like a teenager. 

So anytime I use the word "disappointed" when Brandon and I argue, for example, I'm disappointed that he can't come over, he takes it the wrong way and just shuts down, because his dad is always telling him he's disappointed in him. So I think he and I just weren't communicating as much as we should have been, and we misunderstood some really important things about each other.

I haven't gotten a chance to talk to Brandon again since I had dinner with his mom, but I worked the early shift today, and he's working tonight, so we just haven't gotten to see each other yet. Tomorrow is probably gonna be about the same. I have to work at 10am!! Stupid March Madness... But hopefully on Sunday we'll get a chance to really hash things out. I need him to talk to me more, look me in the eye and tell me how he's feeling.

But overall I'm glad with the way things turned out. We hit the 6 month mark. It was time for us to learn these things about each other. And now we know how to handle these situations and what we need to work on in the future. And we just bypassed a major road hump, so hopefully we'll be stronger for it.

But most importantly, I know he really does care about me. Even if the word "love" scares him, I'm pretty sure he loves me. Because...he shows it. :)

Can't Let Go

((Sigh)) I've been dreading this post. But I need to just write it all down, put it all out there and get it over with.

Brandon and I broke up today.

This is how it all started...

Last night, Brandon and I drove to work together. It was crazy busy, since you know, it was St. Patrick's Day. We made really good money and at the end of the night, even though I was exhausted, I was in high spirits thinking I almost have enough cash to buy my ticket to Europe! Brandon, however, was not catching onto my good mood. On the drive home I tried to ask him how his night went and start up conversation, but he kept giving me short, one word answers in a "don't bother me" voice. When we got back to my place, his mood progressed into angry annoyance. I couldn't figure out why he was so peeved, so I asked him what was wrong.

"I've been awake for 24 hours. I'm tired. Sorry if I'm not as chipper as you." He said, glaring at me.

"Well sorry, I know you're tired but you still don't have to take it out on me."

"If you hadn't slept in 24 hours, you wouldn't be in a good mood either." He plopped down on the couch and put up his feet as if he were going to sleep. I sat on top of his legs and went to check my email. By the time I was done, it looked as if he might actually have dozed off.

"Brandon. Get up, let's go to bed." I said, shaking him lightly.

He jerked his arm out from under me and insisted that he wanted to sleep on the couch.

"Why???" I asked.

"Because I have to get up in like an hour!"

"I thought you didn't have to go into work early tomorrow?" I said, referring to what he'd told me earlier that day.

"Well I don't, but if I go in late, I have to stay late, and I don't wanna stay late."

I sighed.

"Well, you can't sleep on the couch. That's ridiculous. You're gonna wake up with a crick in your neck, now come on." I grabbed his arm and pulled.

He resisted.

"If you don't get up, I'm going to tickle you." I threatened.

And I actually had to do it! Finally he got up and stormed into my bedroom where he got in my bed with all his clothes on pulled the covers up over his head.

"I don't understand why you're being so mean to me." I said as I climbed into bed next to him.

He didn't say anything.

The next morning, or rather, an hour later, his alarm went off. I hadn't even fallen asleep yet! I tried to wake him up, but he just kept pressing his snooze button and ignoring me.

"Brandon!" I said in a hoarse whisper, "Do you need to get up or not??"

He still ignored me.

"Fine. Well don't blame me for you being late. I tried." And I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, which I had a really hard time of since his alarm kept going off every 10 minutes.

I must have gotten around 3 hours of sleep when my alarm went off. Dentist appointment. Ugh.

So I got up, ate breakfast, and started getting ready.

"Where are you going?" Brandon mumbled as I got dressed.

"I have a dentist appointment."

When I was ready to go I walked over to the bed.

"I'm leaving." I said.

"Ok."

I walked back towards the door to leave, but paused. Even though I was mad, I should still give him a kiss goodbye, because if it was me, I'd want him to give me one. So I walked back over to him and kissed him goodbye.

After my dentist appointment, I went to get a pedicure. While I was sitting in the chair, Brandon texted me that he was sorry about last night.

"I don't know why I've been mean to you."

Me: Me neither.

B: U prob hate me

Me: No I don't. It's just...I feel like this has been happening a lot lately, on top of the fact that you seem to think I'm too needy, and it's causing me to think a lot about our relationship.

B: Well I don't know what to do??

B: All this is my fault anyway.

Me: you can't always expect me to tell you what to do or say. I feel like we've become...stagnant. and I've just been trying to figure out what it means. Because if this is as good as it gets then...what's the point of continuing it?: If there's no room for growth, then why waste time? And you never wanna tell me how you feel so it's like...I just have to figure it out on my own.

Me: In the beginning of our relationship, I was so happy. What changed?? Why? In the beginning you were...interested in me! I don't feel like you are anymore. Most of the time I feel like I'm either boring or annoying you.

B: That's because I stopped doing everything else. I stopped going to the gym, work and most of all, golf. Yea it was cool at first, but slowly I was losing who I was I would always make excuses for everything, or put it off till later. When I turned into the new year I was going to make an effort to get back to what I was doing before. 

B: So since then I have been doing so but at the same time I have no time to do anything. And I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't have everything go my way.

Me: ((Sigh)) You always blame everything on you being busy and I keep telling you it's not about that. your interest level and your schedule have nothing to do with each other! I'm not asking you to give up what you do or who you are. It's your attitude. It's the things you say. It's the things you DON'T say. And it's the way you talk to me. It's the amount of thought and effort you put into it, not the amount of time.

Me: Do I make you happy? Because if I don't, then why are we doing this??

B: Well I can't make you happy! All I am is a let down to you.

Me:That feeling sorry for yourself act isn't gonna work. If you really believe that then I suggest you do something about it. And you still didn't answer the question.

B: Yes. But I can't stop everything that is going on. U will just have to understand that there will be times when I can't be with you, or see you.

Me: DUH. I JUSt told you today and yesterday that this isn't about you being with me enough. It's the way you are WHEN you're with me.

Me: It's like this: you don't just buy a plant and water it for the first few weeks.  You have to continue to water it, or it will die, no matter how thriving it once was.

B: What do you expect out of this relationship?

ME: That's a loaded question. If our relationship is going to last, I want it to bloom, not just...be flat, static. What I expect from you is that you'll treat me with respect and kindness.

B: I do respect u. And I'm kind to u.

Me: I know. And that includes taking your frustrations out on me which I do not appreciate. But there are other things that I don't expect you to to, that I wish you would do. Mainly be more thoughtful. What do you expect?

B: I don't expect anything. I'm just having fun with u and life in general. I mean I'm not looking to settle down anytime soon. I would like to get married some day.

Me: Well how far down the line is "some day"? And my 2nd question is...why not?? What's wrong with settling down? If you wanna go out and party and sleep with girls then obviously you wouldn't wanna settle down.

B: Just nothing in the near future. I'm just not ready for that. I have so much more to learn. Subtract the party time and the girls and plug in my personal goals and then you'll have the right answer.

B: I'm not getting any younger and I need to make a move now towards what I want out of life or I'm going to see it slip away. Once you settle down, all that goes out the window. Then you have a different outlook on life and about what's important to u. And it's not about u anymore it's about 2 people that are together as 1 trying to make it through life.

Me: Well yea...but 2 ppl that support each other and each other's goals. Just because you settle down with some1, doesn't mean you lose yourself or your life. You just have to find a balance.

B: Well in my case yea, because it's different with golf. It takes too much time being away.

Me: You're lucky, because you know exactly what you want for yourself and you know what you have to do to get it. Me...I know part of what I want and I know partly how to get it. So I guess when it comes to love, THAT I'm certain of. I wanna get married and have some1 to share things with. I want a companion in life. And I'm about to be 25! That may seem young to you, but I don't wanna be single when I'm 30. So I'm done playing games with boys. I'm looking for the real thing now.

B: I tried that and with work and golf there is very little balance. It's like 2 full-time jobs.

Me: Most pro golfers are married, Brandon. And they have families. And there are ppl out there who have way more demanding jobs! It doesn't matter. If it's important to you, and you want it to work, then you'll make it work.

B: Yea but before they married they were on the course day in and day out.

Me: Ok well obviously we haven't been together long enough to even be considering marriage and I didn't mean to get into this. I just want things to change. Remember when I used to wake up and find you'd straightened my living room?? That was the simplest gesture you could have made, but it meant so much to me because 1) I didn't ask you to do it 2) I was surprised 3) it showed me that you cared. And that's all I want from you.

B: Yea but I do that just cause. No reason. If I clean your place I don't expect anything, I just did it to help. And when I'm 30, it won't bother me if I'm single. It's just a number to me.

Me: Well you're gonna be 30 before me. 

B: I know so you shouldn't worry about it, you're not even half way.

Me: Yea well in case you forgot, you're my boyfriend.

B: I know.

Me: So do you see a future with me at all?? Or not? You should know by now if it's a possibility, so don't tell me you don't know.

B: At this point I can't tell you that I do. I would rather be in ur life as a friend than an enemy at the end. I think that in the end I'm going to break your heart. 

B: Because I'm not going to be able to give you the time and full attention that you deserve.

Me: Ok. Sooo you wanna break up with me?

B: I don't but it's not going to be good because there are mixed feelings. You would expect something and I would think differently. We will end up fighting or hating each other.

Me: Sooo...you don't want to break up with me now, but you do later?? Whatever you do at this point, you've already just broken my heart, so you may as well just tell me what you want and spare me the bullshit about what might happen and those stupid scenarios.

B: Well I told you that I would let you down. Sorry for doing this. It's not going to work between us. So I will leave you in peace and hope for the best.

Me: Leave me in peace and hope for the best?? What the hell does that mean??

B: Even though you probably think this is bullshit, I'm hurt that it has to happen like this. 

B: Nothing I just don't want drama or beef between us at work. I'm not trying to make this difficult.

Me: You're not hurt! It doesn't have to happen like this. YOU'RE doing this because you think you're going to let me down. I accidentally fell in love with you and you broke my heart because you're too scared to feel anything back. Fuck work! I can't believe you're even bringing that up.

B: I would rather not say anything than fake it.

Me: What?? Then don't fake it. Tell me the truth.

B: I am and you're blowing up in my face.

Me: No I'm not. I'm reacting to what you just did to me. You can't even talk to me face to face. You're texting me from work.

B: Yea I'm a douchebag, go ahead and say it.

Me: No. I'm not going to tell you you're a piece of shit because if I thought that, I wouldn't be heart broken over what I just lost. I just...can't believe you're doing this to me.

B: Being face to face would just lead to fighting and words will come out that I don't mean. See, you had way too big of expectations for me.

Me: No. I didn't. Respect and kindness are things I expect from everyone. You just think I expect things and you're using that as an excuse.

B: Well you are acting like you lost everything you had.

Me: IT kind of feels that way right now. Just out of the blue...

B: Yea I can tell this is going to be a battle.

Me: When you love someone, the tendency is to fight for them.

B: I don't love you!! I care about you but I don't love you!! I don't know what to feel around you.

**Ouch. That one really hit home and I almost just stopped talking to him all together.**

Me: Ok.

Me: I was talking about me, but ok.

B: I still want you in my life, I just can't give you what you want out of me. It's not fair to you.

Me: I'm calling your bullshit. Stop blaming me for you breaking up with me. 

B: I'm not blaming you.

Me: I can't be in your life anymore, Brandon. Not now.

B: Ok I understand.

Me: Then why do I feel like this is my fault?? All I wanted was to be happy. And be with you. I wasn't asking for a 10 carat engagement ring.

B: It's nobody's fault, it's just the way events have been leading up to this.

Me: Events?? What events?? You mean you pushing me away??

Me: You know what, nevermind. I can't talk about this anymore. It's making me sick.

**I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe**

B: No, just everything in general. Me letting you down more than once. Not having any time for you. Being boring.

Me: You're not boring. Look, you don't have to say anything else. Just...leave me alone.

B: Alright that's fine.

And that was it.

I sat on my couch and sobbed for an hour. I called my sister. No answer. I called my mom. No answer. So I sobbed some more.

My mom finally called back. She made me feel a little bit better, until she said, "Well at least you had an experience with a good boyfriend for once."

"What's the point if it hurts so much more when they break up with you?" I cried.

She tried to console me but it wasn't really helping. 

When I got off the phone with her, I texted Melissa. She's always been my love guru. I explained everything, told her I felt like I was to blame for forcing the issue. That was obviously a conversation neither of us was ready for and we should have just...saved it for another day. Much further down the road.

She asked me if I apologized for being pushy. 

"No, should I?" I asked.

"Yes! Tell him you're sorry and that you care about him and that you'll miss him."

So I did. And the texts continue...

Me: I'm sorry if I was being pushy. I didn't mean to force anything out of you. If this is really what you want then I guess there's nothing I can say or do to change your mine. But you know how I feel about you, and I'm really going to miss you.

B: I'm not trying to do this to be an asshole to you. I just want you to be happy and I clearly wasn't doing that. I know that you will find a guy that will blow me out of the water. I'm nobody special.

Me: It doesn't really matter why you're doing it. You don't feel the same way I do. You said it yourself, you don't love me. You're ok with never sleeping here again, never hugging me again, never kissing me again...and I'm not. That's all I need to know. You can try and convince yourself that you're doing me a favor, to make yourself feel better, but you're not. I think you're special. That's why I was with you in the first place.

B: I'm sorry I was a disappointment to you.

Me: YOU WEREN'T. STOP SAYING THAT! I'm disappointed that you'd rather chalk it up to "oh well it's just not gonna work" and give up without a fight. Without even talking about it! And I'm disappointed that that kiss I gave you this morning is the last one I'm gonna get. I'm disappointed now because I WAS happy. Now I'm not.

B: You think I'm happy with this outcome?

Me: I don't know! I just don't understand it! If you're not happy, and I'm not happy, then how can this be the right thing to do?? Nobody knows what the future holds. All I know is what's important to me. And YOU ARE important to me.

B: But I also have to be truthful with you and I don't like going through the motions.

Me: What do you mean??

B: I will tell you this. If you really want to know what's in my head, what makes me tick, you should have lunch with my mom. I have been talking a lot to here about us. And I think you'll find out some things about me that maybe you don't know. She might help this situation out for us.

Me: Well ok. But how? I'm confused.

B: Well I want you to have a different look at me from someone who has been there from the beginning. I just want you to understand my thinking.

B: I want to make it work, and my mom is all for it. I don't want to throw this away just like that.

**BIG sigh of relief!!**

Me: Ok...well if you want me to have lunch with your mom, I will, but I have no idea where this is coming from.

B: It's so you don't think the wrong things about me. My intentions are good and I don't want to stear you in the wrong direction. And because she asked to help because she cares.

Me: Brandon...if ever you are wondering what I think about you, go read the that thing I made you for V-Day. I know things haven't been all honky dorey lately but it's still there underneath. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

B: I know how you feel towards me, believe me, I read the letter. I think my mom will help us out for the future and get things back to the first page where we began.

Me: Ok well I'll talk to your mom whenever. But when are WE going to talk?

B: We can talk tonight.

I'm having dinner with his mom tomorrow. She called me around 6. Right now I have the world's worst headache from crying, and I'm so exhausted, but I don't think I could sleep tonight unless I know that Brandon and I are ok. ((Sigh))

He's on his way over now.

Question Everything

Todd texted me again today and wanted to hang out. So we made plans to go check out this wine bar down the street from my place. I was fixing my hair and getting ready to go when Brandon showed up. 

So...the 3 of us went. It was a little weird. Mostly because I just wanted to catch up with Todd, so half the things we talked about, and most of the people we know, have nothing to do with Brandon. So he couldn't really participate in a lot of our conversation. Which mostly consisted of the recent goings on between Todd and his girlfriend. ((Sigh))

When Melissa and I went to Dallas a few months back, Todd was single. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of about a year, Laura, because she'd pretty much gone psycho on him for no apparent reason. And Todd is a very logical, sane, calm person. And he recognized that that wasn't the type of thing he needed in his life at that time, and he ended things with her. He'd also told me that he would never get back with her because she had said a lot of downright mean, hurtful things that were completely uncalled for.

But you know, a few months go by, and I hear through the grapevine that they're seeing each other again. 

So tonight, I had to ask him what the deal was. 

Apparently the day she totally freaked on him she had found out that she was pregnant. And then he broke up with her, so she never told him. After 2 months, she had a miscarriage, and still never told him. Then he ran into Laura's mom at a mutual family friend's house, and her mom slipped up and mentioned something about a surgery, so naturally, Todd made it a point to get together with Laura and find out what was going on. When all was said and done, he decided that her intentions were good. She didn't tell him because she didn't want him to think she was trying to manipulate him into getting back together with him, or give him a bad reputation what with the NFL looking at him and everything. And when she miscarried, they'd already been broken up a couple months so... Anyways, they got back together.

I was so shocked when he told me. I mean the whole idea of him fathering a child just...floored me. This is a guy I grew up with. He had his first kiss at 18! He's only had 2 girlfriends, and didn't even tell anybody when he lost his virginity. So I kind of just...never thought about him having sex with anyone! I mean I knew in the back of my mind that he must have, but it wasn't something I ever thought about. So when he mentioned that he'd gotten a girl pregnant I was just... just.... my whole opinion of him kind of flip-flopped. He's not an innocent little boy anymore. I mean not that I thought of him that way, but let's just say, I've never felt comfortable talking about sex in front of Todd because I always thought it might make him uncomfortable. Ya know???

So anyways, now it's coming down to the wire and Todd really is going to be drafted into the NFL. Lots of teams want him and 4 specific teams have asked that he come work out with them. So he will definitely have to move somewhere right after he graduates, and Laura will definitely have to stay here, since she's enrolling in nursing school. And Todd basically expressed to me that he's not sure there would be a point to trying to continue their relationship with all the stuff they're each gonna have going on. Their relationship is already pretty strained as it is, being long distance. Todd says she complains a lot about them never seeing each other. So he's going to talk to Laura about it, in person, when she gets in town tomorrow.

I tried to give him some solid, non-biased advice. I told him that he needed to ask himself, "Is this the person I see myself spending the rest of my life with?" and if it is, then this will only be a minor setback. If 2 people are meant to be together, then they will be. But if not, then...why waste anymore time? Todd has only had 2 girlfriends in his entire life. He's only kissed two girls!! I said he definitely needed to date, be single, experience life without a girlfriend. It's part of growing up and learning who you are. He nodded and seemed to be taking in everything I said.

But in the back of my mind, all I could think about was, When will I ever get my chance??

It's soooo hard because on the one hand, I have Brandon. And I really care about him, but...if he's the one for me, then why can't I get Todd out of my mind? It's like every time I see him, it all comes back. Plus, it's been over 2 months since I told Brandon I love him and it doesn't seem like he's even close to saying it back. What if he never does?? What if I'm just wasting my time??

((Sigh))

And on the other hand, I love Todd. I always have. I'm not saying I'm in love with him, just that I love him. And I would be completely crushed if my feelings for him ruined the friendship we have. It would be totally my fault! And he has a lot going on right now, and a lot of things to think about. But when I sit and talk to Todd and just...hang out with him and think how perfect we could be for each other, sometimes I think, I will wait as long I have to for this guy. And it will be worth it as long as I get a shot.

But then I think about how long I'd actually have to wait and that's...a really long time! I mean any sane person in his position, and at his stage in life would have a lot to go through and learn and experience before they could find themselves emotionally ready for marriage or a long-term commitment even. He seriously needs to get out there! Although I can't really classify everyone in that way. Some people never do the dating thing. Some people marry their high school sweethearts and live happily ever after! But not football stars! He's going to have ass thrown at him left and right! And there are gonna be all kinds of douchebag, greedy, fame-hungry people coming after him. And those people aren't going to care about what kind of person he really is on the inside. All they're going to care about is football, fame and money. ((Sigh)) It almost worries me. I don't think he's ready for that. He's so...kind. And accepting. Almost naive. But Todd tells me he's a good judge of character, and that he only has a few friends so it shouldn't be hard to pick those people out. He does have a point. Todd used to to be so shy, he didn't really start making friends till college. I just hope he's right and he doesn't get duped by some gold digging bitch. Ugh.

Well...enough about Todd.

Brandon wasn't very nice to me tonight. Maybe it's cuz he thought I was paying more attention to Todd than him. But he accidentally hit me in the face when we got home (we were goofing off and I got a shoulder to the eyebrow) and when I said I wasn't ok, he went and got in bed without saying a word to me! Now he's asleep, and I'm up writing this and feeling much less...certain about all things concerning Brandon. I mean for a while I was thinking I could actually see a future with him but now I'm not so sure. Will he be able to give me all the things I want?

Mainly attention, respect and consideration??

The things is...I just don't know.

And as for Todd, I don't think my feelings for him are going to just go away. But I also don't want to continue carrying this torch for him all my life. I'm just gonna have to do something about it, and find out if this means something, or if it's just nothing. But when? How??

Action/Reaction

I talked to Brandon about his 2 days of blowing me off. I told him it made me feel like crap; like he didn't care, and didn't think about me. He said that wasn't true, he's just really bad about remembering his phone, and he promised to work on it. And so far, I've already noticed an improvement!

On Sunday, he sent me a text early in the morning before he left for his golf tournament, just to let me know he wouldn't be able to answer the phone till it was over. 

And while I've been planning things on my own, he's actually been making more of an effort to hang out with me! It's amazing what a little communication and a taste of his own medicine can do. 

So Todd is in town for his spring break right now, and he keeps asking me to hang out. Which is...odd for him. I guess I'm just used to him being so busy and distant all the time that it seems kind of strange that he's the one calling me! We were supposed to go have drinks tonight, but unfortunately, I had to bail because I've had a horrible stomach ache all day. Ugh. I'm worried I might have salmonella poisoning! Last night I made myself a fluffer-nutter (BEST SANDWICH EVER!) with some peanut butter from the back of my pantry. I didn't even think twice about the peanut recall! Until today when I woke up with cramps and an upset stomach. But I haven't thrown up or anything so maybe it's just a stomach ache! 

So I took Jasper for his first vet appointment Thursday and they gave me quite a scare! I told the pet nurse that his stool was loose and the first thing she said was "Oh we better test him for parvo", which is a DEADLY DISEASE!! Omg I was totally freaked. Turned out they couldn't even test him for it, because they had run out of the tests. But he did turn up positive for some kind of protozoa which is easily curable. So they gave me some medicine for him and we were on our way. 

But as of today, it's been 5 days since he's started his medication and he still has diarrhea! So I took him back to the vet today, completely panicked! They told me that as long as there wasn't blood in his stool, then it was nothing to worry about. I just have to wait until he's finished out his medicine. ((Sigh))

Tomorrow I'm starting a new photography class! I'm really excited! That's about all that's been going on around here.

Oh, and FYI, I took one reader's advice and I'm putting some ads up on the site. But if they're too distracting or take away from the site, I'll remove them. I just wanna try it out!

Too Available

Last night was my only night off this week and Brandon and I had plans to go out. I mean we had plans. And I called him around 8 to find out when he was picking me up and when he answered the phone he sounded like he just woke up or something.

"Are you sleeping??" I asked.

"No, I'm just laying down, watching TV." He said.

"Oh. Well we're still going out, right?"

"Yea, later." He replied.

"Well, when? You're not gonna fall asleep, are you???" I asked, panic creeping into my voice.

"No, I wont. I'll come over at 10." He assured me.

"Ok," I said, "Well I'm gonna call you around 9:30, just in case." I said.

"Ok."

"Alright, talk to you soon."

And that was pretty much our whole conversation. So I went about getting ready; very carefully choosing my outfit, since it's very rare that Boyfriend and I get to spend a night out together. Then 9:30 rolls around and I call him, and he doesn't answer! So I called him back like 4 more times, figuring maybe he didn't hear his phone or something, but he never answered!

So I sent him a text.

"Brandon! Where are you??? It's 9:50! You have 10 minutes to either get here, or call me back! If you stand me up tonight, I'm gonna be really mad!"

And stand me up he did.

I sent him another text that said, "Thanks a lot".

By 11 o'clock, I was all dressed up with no place to go, and so disappointed that I almost just went to bed. But then I got a text from Evan so I decided to go out with him instead. We met up with Alex (she was at Sophie's wedding, remember?) and her boyfriend, and overall we had a pretty good time! 

Today when I woke up, I had a text from Brandon saying he was sorry, he fell asleep and that he was going to come over when he finished playing golf.

So I texted him back, "What time are you gonna be done?"

And he never responded.

A few hours went by and I then I called him.

No answer.

Another hour went by and I tried him again.

Still no answer.

By this time, I wasn't just mad. I was frustrated, and hurt and upset. I mean...hello!? I can't really think of any excuse for that behavior. I'm his girlfriend for God's sake! Especially after he ditched me last night, he should be trying to make it up to me, not continuing to ignore me!

I sat and thought about it for a while, and I couldn't help but here the echoing chime of Melissa's voice telling me that you can never be too available, even for your boyfriend. ((Sigh)) And the worst part is that now I know she's right.

So finally, around 5 o'clock, he called me. I didn't answer.

He called again. I still didn't answer. I was full-blown pissed by now.

He sent me a text. 

"Sorry, I forgot my phone at home when I went to play golf."

"Does it never occur to you that I might want or need to talk to you??" I responded. He's always "forgetting" his phone, or leaving in the car, or it's dead whenever I need to talk to him!!

"Sorry I didn't know till I was already at the course." He said.

"Well right now I'm feeling kind of...discarded. And shitty. And I'm frustrated and upset." I wrote.

He tried calling me again. I didn't answer. I knew if I talked to him he would just somehow make me forget the entire reason I was pissed in the first place. And I was determined to prove my point!

"I don't feel like talking on the phone right now." I texted him.

Then I went back to the movie I was watching.

Thirty more minutes went by and he tried calling again. I still didn't answer. I'm not going to talk to him until I see him at work. I mean I'm seriously upset. It's not fair that I always make him a priority, when apparently, I'm not one of his.

Can I Get A Witness

Friday night was...insane. I got off work early, and partied for part of the night. But my fun came to an abrupt end when I got home, around 4am. I was putting myself, and Jasper to bed, when I heard a car alarm going off right outside my window. My parking lot is right outside my bedroom window, so I knew it had to be a car that was pretty close by. So I peered out my window to see if I could figure out which car it was. And as I was looking in the direction of the flashing car lights, I saw a dark figure walking through the parking lot! He was coming from the direction of that car. My heart started racing. My eyes glued to the window, I grabbed my phone and immediately texted Brandon. He had to stop by his sister's house to check on her, as she'd been incredibly drunk.

"How long till you get here?? I'm scared!"

"Why??" He replied.

"There are car alarms going off and strange men in the parking lot." I wrote, as I climbed back into bed.

"Well my sister's in pretty bad shape. I'm waiting for my mom to get here and deal with her. I'll try to hurry." He said.

Not 5 minutes after I tucked in, I heard 2 loud noises. They sounded like crashes almost. My first thought was that someone either ran into the gate, or someone was shaking the gate. So I got out of bed again and peered out my window. The man I'd seen before was gone, but this time, I saw another guy with a black ski mask on, walking around a little red Ford. He had a messenger bag over his shoulder and something in his hand. I grabbed my phone again and dialed 911. 

We've had a parking lot robbery here recently, so I knew it was time to act. While I was being transferred to the appropriate response team, the man in the black mask broke the back passenger side window of the car and took something out. Then he calmly strode off!

I gave a full report to the cops and they said they'd send out a car. I continued watching out the window. I saw my apartment manager go out in the parking lot in his pajamas, obviously in search of the source of the loud noises. I pulled on my sweats and walked outside to tell him I'd already called the cops. 

In the meantime, I called Brandon to let him know what had happened, and he said he'd be right over. I explained to my landlord everything I'd witnessed, and I told him that the police were on their way. It turns out they broke into TWO cars! They hit one car, then probably tried another, but set off the alarm, and that was when I went to look out my window.

Before long, 3 squad cars showed up. They made me tell my story again, and give detailed descriptions of the men. I couldn't tell them much, considering one of them had on a mask and long sleeves. But I tried. They wrote everything down and got my information, and then I finally went back inside.

Once Brandon came over, I felt a lot better. My heart was still racing! I mean  I never realized how much I took safety for granted, until it was violated. And I've had a hard time sleeping alone since. Especially since I come home from work so late. But Brandon came home with me Saturday night, and I've been off the last couple days, so I haven't been getting home late. 

Ok, this is totally random, but did anyone else watch The Bachelor?? Jason is a DICK. What a fucking ASS HOLE. Both of those girls should chunk deuce. He doesn't deserve either of them. Ugh.