Brandon broke up with me.
Since he got back, things were going along just copacetic, as if nothing had ever gone wrong. But it was still eating away at me. The last conversation we had. Not knowing where we stood, not knowing how he felt, not knowing if I really was just wasting my time.
So last night, I got off work at nine, we went and saw Angels & Demons, then we got back to my place and were laying in bed. It had been a decent day, nothing out of the ordinary, just enjoying each others company. But then I started thinking about everything again, and I knew what it would lead to if I brought it up, but I just couldn't keep my thoughts to myself any longer. So I asked him what he had meant about not wasting my time.
I don't really feel like writing out our entire conversation, so here are the important parts.
He told me he was bored.
Golf is the only key to his happiness, and only he alone can achieve it.
He doesn't want to keep "misguiding me".
He just doesn't want to be in a relationship.
He thinks the timing is all wrong between us.
He still wants to be friends.
I told him I couldn't be his friend.
I cried. A lot.
He left.
I laid there in bed sobbing for a good while, then I sent him a text.
"I hope you know that you have truly broken my heart."
He said he was sorry, that that wasn't the idea.
((Sigh)) This lead to another long text conversation, during which he told me he'd already gotten all this things and left my key on the coffee table.
This caused another fresh outbreak of tears. Nothing yet, had hurt as badly as that.
In the end I asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted. I asked him if we could just put this off a while longer and take some time alone to think about things. I'm leaving for Europe in 2 weeks, and it will be a good opportunity for us to be apart and think, and then we could talk when I got back.
He said he'd talk to me tomorrow.
I slept fitfully. I kept having strange dreams and waking up, crusty eyed and unable to breathe. Finally I think I got a solid 2 hours around 7:30am. When I woke up I just laid there in bed, not knowing what to do with myself.
A part of me is missing. I feel so...empty. I just kept thinking, I don't want to die alone, and I'm no closer now to finding someone, than I was 5 years ago.
I sent him a text around 1, asking him if he'd thought about what I said last night.
Then I called Melissa. She always gives the best advice in these situations, and I really just needed to get my mind off how sad I was.
We talked for about 30 minutes. She pointed out that there was nothing for me to cling to. He doesn't want to be in a relationship, all he cares about is golf, and had he said anything about how much he cares about me, things would be different. But he didn't. He never said anything likethat. And I know she's right. And I know that this is not what I want. I want someone who will open up to me, tell me how they feel. Someone who's passionate, not just about their career, but about falling in love. Someone who's fearless, and lives for the day. Someone who will take care of me when I'm low, and will allow me to do the same. Someone who knows what they want out of a relationship, and who is ready to commit. I need a whole man. Not just half of one.
((Sigh))
And yet, even though I know all these things, I still want Brandon.
He responded to my text about 10 minutes later. I was still on the phone with Melissa. He said, "Yea, a little." She told me not to write back, so I didn't. Then about an hour later, he texted me again.
"Hey, how are u doing?"
"Fine." I said.
But fine is the last word I could honestly use to describe myself. I'm falling apart from the inside out. I'm broken down, sad, confused, hurt, and disappointed. And I feel hopeless as to what to do about the situation, because even if he does say yes, he'd like to think things over a little more, I know that inevitably we will end up back here, and the pain will just be worse next time. We aren't meant to be. Not now.
Maybe not ever.
And that's what is killing me.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Forbidden Ideas: Part II
I laid there, choking back tears and just trying to breathe for about 10 minutes. I was sure Brandon must have been asleep by this time. Then Jasper jumped off the bed and started whining at the door. I sighed and got up to let him out. I closed the bedroom door behind me.
As I was standing in the living room waiting for Jasper to come back in, I could hear some rustling around in my room, as if Brandon were getting out of bed. The jingling of a belt, the whip of a zipper.
He's leaving. I can't fucking believe it. I thought.
Jasper came back inside and I locked the door, just as I turned around to go back to my room, there he was in the doorway.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"You're not happy about what I said, and I'm just gonna go."
"I was just letting the dog out." I said flatly.
"Well..." He trailed off as he gathered his keys.
"So that's your reaction to everything? To just leave??" I asked quietly.
He sighed again, and looked at me. I was standing in the doorway with a roll of toilet paper in one hand, and a wadded up used tissue in the other. I was sure my mascara was running, and I probably looked like a pathetic mess.
He slowly set down his things, and stripped back down to his boxers.
"Ok." was all he said.
And we both went back to bed without another word.
The next morning, he got up to go to the golf course. He was really sweet to me, and kissed me goodbye, twice. Which is once more than usual. I didn't say anything. I had that feeling, you know, the one you get when you've cried yourself to sleep. My sinuses were all stopped up and my eyes felt puffy and my whole face was numb. I couldn't forget the reason I felt like this.
I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Late in the afternoon, I woke up. I had 2 text messages from Brandon.
"Are u awake? I'm sorry for last night. I wasn't trying to make u feel bad. I just want u to know that u are not wasting your time on me."
"Hey how is your day going so far?"
I didn't acknowledge his first text, but I was still comforted by it. I don't know why, since I still don't really understand how I'm not wasting my time if he's completely not open to even the idea of marriage. I don't wanna be 35 and single. Ugh.
So I wrote back, "My day is ok. I feel like crap. I'm gonna go to the bookstore."
"Well I'm coming over after golf, ok?" He said.
"Are you guys gonna go eat before you come over?" I asked, as my stomach growled.
"No, we can go eat somewhere, just me and u, ok?"
So I waited for him to eat. We had a good lunch, and then he came to the bookstore with me. It was as if everything was back to normal. Sort of... I could tell he was trying to be extra sweet to me, to make up for last night. I still felt sort of...sedated. But I knew he'd be leaving the next day, so I figured we should just make the most of it. And we did. Despite everything, it was a good day.
Now it's Thursday night, er, Friday morning, but I just got off work, and I've really missed him since he's been gone. He's been sending me good morning texts every morning, and sweet little notes throughout the day. So at least I know he's thinking about me. Maybe he'll realize he's being stupid for trying to keep me away. I leave for Europe in 2 weeks. That will be the ultimate test. Not just for him, but for me as well.
Do I want to continue this relationship, not knowing what he wants out of it?
Being away from him, and away from here, I think I'll really be able to get some good perspective. And if I don't miss him, then I'll know it's time to move on. And if I do miss him, then I'll know if it's worth it or not.
Of course, things aren't usually that black and white. I'm just hoping they will be this time.
As I was standing in the living room waiting for Jasper to come back in, I could hear some rustling around in my room, as if Brandon were getting out of bed. The jingling of a belt, the whip of a zipper.
He's leaving. I can't fucking believe it. I thought.
Jasper came back inside and I locked the door, just as I turned around to go back to my room, there he was in the doorway.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"You're not happy about what I said, and I'm just gonna go."
"I was just letting the dog out." I said flatly.
"Well..." He trailed off as he gathered his keys.
"So that's your reaction to everything? To just leave??" I asked quietly.
He sighed again, and looked at me. I was standing in the doorway with a roll of toilet paper in one hand, and a wadded up used tissue in the other. I was sure my mascara was running, and I probably looked like a pathetic mess.
He slowly set down his things, and stripped back down to his boxers.
"Ok." was all he said.
And we both went back to bed without another word.
The next morning, he got up to go to the golf course. He was really sweet to me, and kissed me goodbye, twice. Which is once more than usual. I didn't say anything. I had that feeling, you know, the one you get when you've cried yourself to sleep. My sinuses were all stopped up and my eyes felt puffy and my whole face was numb. I couldn't forget the reason I felt like this.
I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Late in the afternoon, I woke up. I had 2 text messages from Brandon.
"Are u awake? I'm sorry for last night. I wasn't trying to make u feel bad. I just want u to know that u are not wasting your time on me."
"Hey how is your day going so far?"
I didn't acknowledge his first text, but I was still comforted by it. I don't know why, since I still don't really understand how I'm not wasting my time if he's completely not open to even the idea of marriage. I don't wanna be 35 and single. Ugh.
So I wrote back, "My day is ok. I feel like crap. I'm gonna go to the bookstore."
"Well I'm coming over after golf, ok?" He said.
"Are you guys gonna go eat before you come over?" I asked, as my stomach growled.
"No, we can go eat somewhere, just me and u, ok?"
So I waited for him to eat. We had a good lunch, and then he came to the bookstore with me. It was as if everything was back to normal. Sort of... I could tell he was trying to be extra sweet to me, to make up for last night. I still felt sort of...sedated. But I knew he'd be leaving the next day, so I figured we should just make the most of it. And we did. Despite everything, it was a good day.
Now it's Thursday night, er, Friday morning, but I just got off work, and I've really missed him since he's been gone. He's been sending me good morning texts every morning, and sweet little notes throughout the day. So at least I know he's thinking about me. Maybe he'll realize he's being stupid for trying to keep me away. I leave for Europe in 2 weeks. That will be the ultimate test. Not just for him, but for me as well.
Do I want to continue this relationship, not knowing what he wants out of it?
Being away from him, and away from here, I think I'll really be able to get some good perspective. And if I don't miss him, then I'll know it's time to move on. And if I do miss him, then I'll know if it's worth it or not.
Of course, things aren't usually that black and white. I'm just hoping they will be this time.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Forbidden Ideas: Part I
My birthday is tomorrow, and I can't believe I'm going to spend it alone! Brandon left for Arizona on Wednesday, and he won't be back till Monday afternoon. He's been planning on going to this golf tournament for over a year, so I obviously couldn't object, but the timing still blows.
The past couple of weeks have been...crazy.
Me and Bethany's party was a success. We had a great time, and I was definitely wasted by the end of the night. However, Brandon got stuck at work, almost all night because of that stupid Rockets playoff game, so he didn't even get to the party till like 1am. :(
He still hasn't given me a present yet either. But we're supposed to celebrate together when he gets back, so maybe he's waiting for that. Me and Bethany have both been hinting at this diamond necklace that I want from the jewelry store. It's the Eiffel tower in diamonds! So pretty, I fell in love with it the moment I saw it! But...I shouldn't get my hopes up.
In other news, I kind of had a blast from the past the other day. When I was in college, I very briefly dated this guy Mike. He was super nice, and really smart, and we liked allll the same music. Even like the really obscure stuff, like Jeff Buckley. So we never ran out of things to talk about. But then, one day, just out of the blue, he stopped calling! So that was the end of that. And I remember being really upset and confused about it at the time, but I was in college, and it didn't take me long to find another boy to distract me from those feelings. So anyways, Mike has been coming to my bar pretty regularly for about the past 6 months. And at first, I could tell he recognized me, but felt awkward and didn't wanna say anything. But then he must have remembered how cool I am or something, because he eventually started talking to me. Hehe.
"Didn't I hang out with you in college once?" He asked.
"Yea...I vaguely remember you." I lied.
And we just went from there. Nothing flirty, or inappropriate, just the usual "what have you been up to" and so on and so forth. But lately, he's been coming in more frequently, and we've been talking more often. Mostly about the upcoming Incubus tour. I always buy his first round of beers, and sometimes he'll buy me a shot, and that's that.
So last Friday, he came in. I was extremely hungover from my party the night before, so I wasn't feeling as chipper as I normally would. But Mike came over to my well, and said hello.
"Man, I wish I could give you a hug! But I can't reach you from over there!" He said.
"Yea...that's the problem with being behind the bar..." I said with a smile.
"I know! Let's invent a secret handshake! That's way better than a hug!"
Then he proceeded to invent one and I was forced to participate. It was quite amusing.
I got his first round, and he came back 3 or 4 more times, before he asked to close out.
Since his tab was free, I printed out some receipt paper and wrote:
$1,000,000!!!
Jk! :)
I handed it to him with his credit card poking out, so that it looked like a real bill. He laughed when he read it and began scribbling something back. When he handed it to me, it was a note with his name, phone number and a little P.S. at the bottom that said, "This note will self-destruct in 5 seconds!"
I couldn't help but giggle. I had just gotten a phone number! Granted, it was a phone number I already had, but he didn't know I still had it. And of course, I had no intentions of calling him, since I have a boyfriend, but it was still intriguing. And flattering, of course!
So now, let me get to the reason I'm even bringing this up. Things with Brandon and I have not been going so smoothly lately. He's been acting distant again, which is something he does quite frequently. It's like he gets close, then pulls away, gets close, then pulls away. Two steps forward, one step back. Ya know? It's so frustrating! And it's almost my birthday and I've been feeling kind of...pushed aside, and so I tried telling him that, and it just turned into this huge fight. ((Sigh))
We worked it out, sort of, but I couldn't stop thinking about Mike, and "What if??"
What if things with Brandon and I aren't meant to be? What if he'll never let me get close? What if Mike and I are meant to give it a shot? Why did Mike blow me off when we dated before? What if I'm passing up a good thing???
Brandon and I got into another argument about the same thing on Monday night. We'd been out having drinks with some coworkers, and he was feeling pretty good. And he'd been acting so...weird. Not like himself. Really stand-offish, it was like he wanted nothing to do with me. So, naturally I said something about it. I told him I felt like he didn't want me around, and he never shows me any affection.
"Well just because I don't hang all over you all the time??" He said.
"No!"
"Because if I did what you're asking, you'd just get annoyed by that too."
"That's not what I'm asking! I'd just like a little acknowledgement once in a while! A hug when I'm upset, sit next to me when we're out, actually hang out with me instead of leaving me sitting at the table with your friends!"
He just rolled over and pulled the cover over his head.
"I don't wanna talk about this right now." He said.
"You never wanna talk about it! There will never be a time when you'll want to talk about it, and it's bothering me now, so I wanna talk about it!"
"If you raise your voice, I'm not gonna listen at all." He said stubbornly.
"Fine. I'm talking in a normal voice. I can't keep pretending this is working when you're putting this wall in between us. It's not fair to me."
"It's not a wall." He said.
"Yes it is. You put me here, on the other side, in the distance!"
"Well! I just know how this goes. It's the same with all the other chicks. Just because we're together, they assume things, and I don't want you getting any ideas."
"Stop comparing me to other chicks. I hate that. And what ideas are you talking about??"
"Nevermind..." He sighed.
"No. Tell me. If I'm not supposed to be getting these ideas, I wanna know what they are." I insisted.
He signed again.
"Marriage! Because that's not gonna happen in the next five years, maybe not even the next 10 years, so you may as well not waste your time thinking about it!"
I rolled over and didn't say anything. All I could see was Mike's face in the forefront of my mind, as the tears poured down my cheeks.
The past couple of weeks have been...crazy.
Me and Bethany's party was a success. We had a great time, and I was definitely wasted by the end of the night. However, Brandon got stuck at work, almost all night because of that stupid Rockets playoff game, so he didn't even get to the party till like 1am. :(
He still hasn't given me a present yet either. But we're supposed to celebrate together when he gets back, so maybe he's waiting for that. Me and Bethany have both been hinting at this diamond necklace that I want from the jewelry store. It's the Eiffel tower in diamonds! So pretty, I fell in love with it the moment I saw it! But...I shouldn't get my hopes up.
In other news, I kind of had a blast from the past the other day. When I was in college, I very briefly dated this guy Mike. He was super nice, and really smart, and we liked allll the same music. Even like the really obscure stuff, like Jeff Buckley. So we never ran out of things to talk about. But then, one day, just out of the blue, he stopped calling! So that was the end of that. And I remember being really upset and confused about it at the time, but I was in college, and it didn't take me long to find another boy to distract me from those feelings. So anyways, Mike has been coming to my bar pretty regularly for about the past 6 months. And at first, I could tell he recognized me, but felt awkward and didn't wanna say anything. But then he must have remembered how cool I am or something, because he eventually started talking to me. Hehe.
"Didn't I hang out with you in college once?" He asked.
"Yea...I vaguely remember you." I lied.
And we just went from there. Nothing flirty, or inappropriate, just the usual "what have you been up to" and so on and so forth. But lately, he's been coming in more frequently, and we've been talking more often. Mostly about the upcoming Incubus tour. I always buy his first round of beers, and sometimes he'll buy me a shot, and that's that.
So last Friday, he came in. I was extremely hungover from my party the night before, so I wasn't feeling as chipper as I normally would. But Mike came over to my well, and said hello.
"Man, I wish I could give you a hug! But I can't reach you from over there!" He said.
"Yea...that's the problem with being behind the bar..." I said with a smile.
"I know! Let's invent a secret handshake! That's way better than a hug!"
Then he proceeded to invent one and I was forced to participate. It was quite amusing.
I got his first round, and he came back 3 or 4 more times, before he asked to close out.
Since his tab was free, I printed out some receipt paper and wrote:
$1,000,000!!!
Jk! :)
I handed it to him with his credit card poking out, so that it looked like a real bill. He laughed when he read it and began scribbling something back. When he handed it to me, it was a note with his name, phone number and a little P.S. at the bottom that said, "This note will self-destruct in 5 seconds!"
I couldn't help but giggle. I had just gotten a phone number! Granted, it was a phone number I already had, but he didn't know I still had it. And of course, I had no intentions of calling him, since I have a boyfriend, but it was still intriguing. And flattering, of course!
So now, let me get to the reason I'm even bringing this up. Things with Brandon and I have not been going so smoothly lately. He's been acting distant again, which is something he does quite frequently. It's like he gets close, then pulls away, gets close, then pulls away. Two steps forward, one step back. Ya know? It's so frustrating! And it's almost my birthday and I've been feeling kind of...pushed aside, and so I tried telling him that, and it just turned into this huge fight. ((Sigh))
We worked it out, sort of, but I couldn't stop thinking about Mike, and "What if??"
What if things with Brandon and I aren't meant to be? What if he'll never let me get close? What if Mike and I are meant to give it a shot? Why did Mike blow me off when we dated before? What if I'm passing up a good thing???
Brandon and I got into another argument about the same thing on Monday night. We'd been out having drinks with some coworkers, and he was feeling pretty good. And he'd been acting so...weird. Not like himself. Really stand-offish, it was like he wanted nothing to do with me. So, naturally I said something about it. I told him I felt like he didn't want me around, and he never shows me any affection.
"Well just because I don't hang all over you all the time??" He said.
"No!"
"Because if I did what you're asking, you'd just get annoyed by that too."
"That's not what I'm asking! I'd just like a little acknowledgement once in a while! A hug when I'm upset, sit next to me when we're out, actually hang out with me instead of leaving me sitting at the table with your friends!"
He just rolled over and pulled the cover over his head.
"I don't wanna talk about this right now." He said.
"You never wanna talk about it! There will never be a time when you'll want to talk about it, and it's bothering me now, so I wanna talk about it!"
"If you raise your voice, I'm not gonna listen at all." He said stubbornly.
"Fine. I'm talking in a normal voice. I can't keep pretending this is working when you're putting this wall in between us. It's not fair to me."
"It's not a wall." He said.
"Yes it is. You put me here, on the other side, in the distance!"
"Well! I just know how this goes. It's the same with all the other chicks. Just because we're together, they assume things, and I don't want you getting any ideas."
"Stop comparing me to other chicks. I hate that. And what ideas are you talking about??"
"Nevermind..." He sighed.
"No. Tell me. If I'm not supposed to be getting these ideas, I wanna know what they are." I insisted.
He signed again.
"Marriage! Because that's not gonna happen in the next five years, maybe not even the next 10 years, so you may as well not waste your time thinking about it!"
I rolled over and didn't say anything. All I could see was Mike's face in the forefront of my mind, as the tears poured down my cheeks.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Blue Sails on the Horizon
I totally haven't been in the mood to write lately. I've been crazy busy with work. We're short staffed since we opened the new bar. And I've been driving back and forth between, first the hospital and home, and now my parents house and home. My mom was released from the hospital last Tuesday, and she's doing much better. In fact, she found out the day before yesterday that she is now cancer free!!! They got her lab results back, and we're all psyched about that obviously.
But anyways, I've just been so stressed out with everything that's been going on, and then Brandon and I got in a fight and didn't speak for 2 days... It's all been resolved now. The thing is, when I get stressed, I keep things to myself, and don't tell anyone what's bothering me until it gets to the point where I just can't handle it alone anymore. And at that point, I really need someone (i.e. Brandon!). But he has this impulse that makes him pull away, because of his stupid issues where he doesn't wanna get close to anyone. Anyways, it really upset me, and I sort of lashed out at him out of no where, and just made things worse for myself. ((SIGH)) I just wanted him to be there for me, ya know? But next time, I'll just say that, instead of yelling at him via text messages. Heh.
But like I said, we talked it all out, and we both apologized for our mistakes and everything is fine now. So after the hellish week and half I had, things are finally starting to calm down, and I can breathe again. I'm so relieved about my mom. There's only a 10% chance of the cancer returning! And those odds are pretty good in our favor, if you ask me! :)
Taking care of someone, even part time, is a lot of work! My poor mother is only just starting to be able to do things on her own. And she still can't be left at home alone all day, so me and my aunt have been taking turns staying with her while my dad is at work. But it's hard because its so much driving for the both of us, and then I have to go to work late and get up early. So my normal sleep schedule is totally fucked. But it won't be for much longer. It was really nice having Sophie and Brent here, even though it was only for like a week. It's too bad they couldn't have stayed longer to help out. But oh well.
My trip to Europe is fast approaching! I can't wait. I've even been having dreams about it! Beautiful sunsets, pristine beaches with blue water, ancient architecture... ((Sigh...)) I am so ready for a vacation!!!
In other news! Bethany and I are having a joint birthday party this weekend! I can't wait! Todd is gonna be in town that weekend too, so he'll be able to come. My birthday isn't actually for 2 weeks, but since I'm trying to save money for Europe, I was just gonna forgo my birthday celebration. But then Bethany suggested we do it together. So I'm really excited! Brandon was scheduled to work though, unfortunately, so we're in the process of trying to get his schedule changed for that day. So far it's looking good though! It's been so long since the 2 of us have like...gone out and partied! So I'm really excited! It'll be good for us to you know, get drunk and have amazingly hot sex just like we used to on a more regular basis. Haha!
Well, I gotta get to bed early tonight, so I can get up and drive back over to the parent's house in the morning. I'll try to post more this week. If not before the party, definitely after!!
But anyways, I've just been so stressed out with everything that's been going on, and then Brandon and I got in a fight and didn't speak for 2 days... It's all been resolved now. The thing is, when I get stressed, I keep things to myself, and don't tell anyone what's bothering me until it gets to the point where I just can't handle it alone anymore. And at that point, I really need someone (i.e. Brandon!). But he has this impulse that makes him pull away, because of his stupid issues where he doesn't wanna get close to anyone. Anyways, it really upset me, and I sort of lashed out at him out of no where, and just made things worse for myself. ((SIGH)) I just wanted him to be there for me, ya know? But next time, I'll just say that, instead of yelling at him via text messages. Heh.
But like I said, we talked it all out, and we both apologized for our mistakes and everything is fine now. So after the hellish week and half I had, things are finally starting to calm down, and I can breathe again. I'm so relieved about my mom. There's only a 10% chance of the cancer returning! And those odds are pretty good in our favor, if you ask me! :)
Taking care of someone, even part time, is a lot of work! My poor mother is only just starting to be able to do things on her own. And she still can't be left at home alone all day, so me and my aunt have been taking turns staying with her while my dad is at work. But it's hard because its so much driving for the both of us, and then I have to go to work late and get up early. So my normal sleep schedule is totally fucked. But it won't be for much longer. It was really nice having Sophie and Brent here, even though it was only for like a week. It's too bad they couldn't have stayed longer to help out. But oh well.
My trip to Europe is fast approaching! I can't wait. I've even been having dreams about it! Beautiful sunsets, pristine beaches with blue water, ancient architecture... ((Sigh...)) I am so ready for a vacation!!!
In other news! Bethany and I are having a joint birthday party this weekend! I can't wait! Todd is gonna be in town that weekend too, so he'll be able to come. My birthday isn't actually for 2 weeks, but since I'm trying to save money for Europe, I was just gonna forgo my birthday celebration. But then Bethany suggested we do it together. So I'm really excited! Brandon was scheduled to work though, unfortunately, so we're in the process of trying to get his schedule changed for that day. So far it's looking good though! It's been so long since the 2 of us have like...gone out and partied! So I'm really excited! It'll be good for us to you know, get drunk and have amazingly hot sex just like we used to on a more regular basis. Haha!
Well, I gotta get to bed early tonight, so I can get up and drive back over to the parent's house in the morning. I'll try to post more this week. If not before the party, definitely after!!
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