Tuesday, August 25, 2015


Sorry my last post was so weepy. This is the first time I've logged into the blog since I posted that, and I definitely was going through some depression. I think it was mostly the death of my grandfather. I still can't think about him being gone without tearing up. He's the closest person to me that I've lost, and I miss him terribly. But things have gotten a bit better. I'm not depressed anymore anyway. It's just hard for me to blog, because it requires me to examine my life from an inward and exploratory perspective, and honestly, that does tend to make me a bit depressed. So I'm trying to live more in the now. And I'm trying to get out more, and put myself out there more. But it's very difficult. Being in your 30's sucks. I don't know where everyone gets off telling you it's gonna be so great, cuz it's totally not. I'm too old to be irresponsible, hell, I'm too old to WANT to be irresponsible. And the weight of all my responsibilities is crushing! But I don't really feel like an adult yet. I'm still struggling financially and with my own identity, and I'm still single, of course. So it kind of seems like I'm just in limbo, waiting for things to distribute evenly so I can quit this balancing act that is my life. ((Sigh)) But I'm looking ahead, and I'm trying.
Anyway, today I was listening to this Tove Lo song where she says,

Into friends
Move on
To strangers

And my brain just took off with that. How weird is it that you can be in love with someone, be incredibly intimate with them, know all their nooks and crannies and secrets, and then BAM! One day, you're complete strangers. It's so unfathomable, isn't it? It makes me quite sad actually. But maybe that's just because I'm alone. But still though, something has been lost, and that's sad. Often it's for the best, but...I dunno. To think about how you can be so close with someone and never expect it to go away, but it does sometimes.
For those of you who don't know Tove Lo, or only know her single, Talking Bodies, I actually came across her album, Queen of the Clouds, a little over a year ago, and it's really amazing. I listened to nothing but that album for like 2 weeks. So check it out if you haven't already.


Ashley said...

I'm really glad to see an update from you. I'm also happy to hear you're doing better. Deaths take their toll; there's no proper way to grieve. It's hard. It really is.

I'm a year older than you, and I remember feeling like I was ready for the next stage but somehow it wasn't ready for me. Things never feel into place, didn't feel quite right. I was happy but knew there was more. I also wanted a partner in life to share my journey. And then I found him. And we're engaged. And life is just...happening in a different way than I had imagined but in an spectacular fashion all the same.

I tell you this because it will happen. Not just the guy, but everything. It will get here as soon as it can.

All the best.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad your back.

Isaac said...

it's never get easier, and all the people that telling you that tomorrow will be better with husband/ lover/ more money and on and on are lying to you! we are living our life from day to day and find our comfort in the small things, hug from your lover/ smile of a child/ drinks with a friends... that's life my friend! Kisses