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Monday, August 31, 2015

My grandmother is dying. It's been less than 7 months since we lost Poppa and now I'm going to lose my grandma too. And I'm stuck here in NOLA, and can't get to Houston until after the 4th, because that's when I get paid. I feel like I should be there, even though I know there is nothing I can do for her, and she might not even be aware of my presence. I just can't shake this feeling like I'm about to fall into a dark hole and I might never come out again. And I have no one to talk to about it. I just feel so alone, and I can't stop thinking about her. Wishing I was there, and yet also not wanting to be there. I don't want to sit in a room with my dad's family, who I am not particularly close to (except for Jenna), and watch my grandma die. I don't want my last memory of her to be her lying in a hospital bed, looking and feeling miserable, and unaware of her surroundings. ((Sigh)) I don't know how I'm going to deal with this, I really don't. 2015 has pretty much sucked so far. When will I catch a break???

1 comment:

Roberta Barr said...

Sorry to hear about your grandma! Its hard to loose a loved one and not being able to say goodbye on top of that I couldn't imagine. My first thought is to ask if there is away your dad could put the phone to her ear so you could at least say your goodbye even if she doesn't understand. I hope you at least get to go for a day just to get the closure you need! Another way to look at it is that she loved her husband so much she can't live without him - I have heard its not uncommon for people who love each other deeply to pass away really close together. I know when my Dad died a big part of my Mom died too and she has never been the same.

I hope you use this blog as a way to talk out your feelings and not go to a dark place!