7 Years

I can't stop thinking about Lane lately. Or Chris. Or Adam. Or John. Or Brandon. Or even that guy from Austin I hooked up with and later found out he had a girlfriend. ((Sigh))
I have all this...sadness about them all. Like, what is Lane was my soulmate and I'll never find out because we never really got a chance to properly be together?? I was so happy during that brief time we spent together, and during the year or so we just spent talking on the phone and facetiming and texting. And we were friends before anything else. I felt truly comfortable in my own skin with him, and he was funny, and smart, and sweet, and...why couldn't it work...somehow??
And why did Chris ghost me? Cuz that's what he did. He literally ghosted me. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. At least not to a degree where I cared so much. And maybe Adam is gay, or maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't do it for him or something. I don't get it. He seemed all gung-ho about me at first and then.... I don't know!!
And the other guys I just...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I know it's pointless to agonize over these things because I will really never get a satisfactory answer. I just have to assume and guess and try not to think about it. My dad got engaged last weekend. Now both of my parents have successfully been divorced and secured new marriages in the time since I had my last relationship. What gives?! I kind of feel like I'm just going to have to start accepting the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life, and I'm trying to be ok with that, but I'm NOT.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be alone. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone forever. I want companionship. I want to be kissed and feel tingly all over. I want meaningful sex. I want to be in love! And I need people. I need someone to be there for me and care about me and value my thoughts and opinions, and want to be with me.
I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too picky. Or I'm too "intense". Or I'm too fat, too intimidating, too weird, too independent, too honest, or too needy. Because if I am those things, then THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM!! Why should I change that?? I don't want to become someone else, I'm ME. I've spent YEARS cultivating this person that I've become, and why the fuck should I change that for anybody??
Don't get me wrong. I'm very nurturing in a relationship. My love giving languages are gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And really, I don't think I ask for much. I know initially I may come off cold, or like I don't need anyone, but I do. I just don't understand why I can't have this. This one thing I've been wanting and searching for and waiting for, and it's been 7 years and I'm still single. No one has chosen me.

The Mutual Exclusivity of Friendships and Significant Others

I've been struggling, but somehow I'm keeping my head above water. Mostly I think because I've just been too busy to worry. I started a second job this week, to supplement my income, thank god, and I just sort of hit the ground running. But let me go ahead and fill you in the last couple weeks.
July 1 was Bethany and Tony's couples engagement shower thing. I really, really didn't wanna go. That was like the day after my last post, I was feeling really shitty, and just didn't think I could handle that. But since I'm a bridesmaid, it would have looked back if I didn't go, and Lauren basically forced my hand by saying she wouldn't make any excuses for me if Bethany asked why I wasn't there. we agreed to ride together, and I told her I probably wouldn't be very good company, but she said she didn't care as long as she didn't have to go by herself. Well it was an open bar, and I ended up just getting shitfaced on chardonnay and tequila shots. Who does that?! Lol. The night actually turned out ok though. I met a nice, attractive guy at the shower, and sort of...latched onto him. Not in a clingy way, I mean, he was interested! But Lauren ended up leaving early, and Vicky, one of the other bridesmaids, convinced me to stay and said she'd give me a ride home, because everyone was going out afterwards. Well I rode to the bar with the guy, Brian. I was already really drunk by this point. Everything at the bar is really fuzzy. Brian ended up driving me home. I don't know what happened to Vicky. He walked me to the door, and came inside and we kissed, and talked for a bit, but that's it. He's apparently very allergic to cats, so he basically left ASAP. Lol.
The next day I woke up super hungover and I was supposed to drive to Houston. But I literally couldn't move. Then my cousin Macie called, because she was in town for the weekend with her boyfriend. She's a sophomore at Louisiana Tech. I asked her if they could drive me to my car, and she said ok. So they both came over, and we sorta just goofed around for a while. I still couldn't muster the energy to really get up and get going. Then Macie convinced me to come to lunch with them and Grandma. I figured, free lunch, why not? But seriously, by the time I got my car, packed up and was ready to go to Houston, it was like 7pm. And the drive sucked, but at least there wasn't any traffic. Surprising since it was Saturday before Independence Day. The reason for my trip to Houston is because my Aunt Raquel (Jenna and Amy's mom) finally passed away after 3 years in hospice with early onset dementia. She'd been in really bad shape, so it came as a surprise to no one, but because Jenna is one of my best friends, of course I wanted to be there for her.
It was around midnight when I got in, and I was completely exhausted after the night before, and just the week I had. I had to drive to Baton Rouge early in the morning 3 days in a row for training for the new job, and just hadn't gotten much sleep. But my dad made me get up to go to church with him the next morning. He said all my old friends were in town and they'd be there! But literally no one was. In fact, there were less people there than a normal Sunday. But whatever. Afterwards, we went to my Aunt Jeanie's for food and swimming with the family. The family that I've been basically estranged from. ((Sigh)) I didn't put up a fuss about it though because my dad's sister just died, and I knew Jenna would be there. It was actually ok. I had fun, other than my douche cousin Paul telling me I must have a small brain because I said horoscopes are horseshit. ((eye roll)) He is such a prick. Anyway, I basically went home and slept after that, still not having caught up on sleep.
The 4th was spent with Taryn and her boyfriend. Even though her bf was there, it was some much needed bestie time and we had a blast. We got day drunk, went swimming, went out for drinks, and then ended up at someone's high rise apt to watch the fireworks. Once we were there, inside said apt, someone mentions to me that Brandon lives there. Brandon, as in my ex. The last actual boyfriend I had. I honestly wish no one even told me because after that I could not stop obsessing over him, and how much I hate his current gf (which is true, she's a total twat), and how he took me for granted when we were together and broke up with me bc he said he thought I was going nowhere in life... Ugh. I rarely get embarrassed, but drunk me was literally spouting this shit to anyone who would listen. Luckily, he wasn't there.  He was in Europe with the twat gf for a wedding. Ugh. But I'm sure someone will tell him I was there, in his house, and how I couldn't stop talking about him. ((Sigh)) Whatever.
I drove back to NOLA the next day. Back to reality! Brian continued to text me, despite my drunk shenanigans at the wedding shower. Carrie texted to let me know she would be in Louisiana this weekend. Since she's moving to Baton Rouge with her boyfriend. Another one bites the dust... I can't remember if I mentioned that or not. I mean I'm glad she's moving closer to here, but I doubt that will change much, honestly. So I worked all week, and everything kinda just flew out of my head about the weekend. Friday night I texted Lauren, asking what she was up to, no response. Then Sunday morning rolled around, and I got a group text from Carrie to Lauren and I. She said she and her bf, Jack, were gonna drive into the city that afternoon, and she wanted us to all go out to dinner so we could meet him. I said sure, sounds great, and then she asked me if they could stay at my place, because she had a job interview Monday on the north shore. I said ok, and began making a mental list of all the things I'd have to do to get my place ready for overnight guests. Then finally, Lauren chimes in with, "Would y'all want to just come to my house for dinner? [Dallas] is in town and we were just planning on making pizzas at the house and hanging at home. We have plenty of food and wine. :D"
I literally started crying. Maybe it was because it was early, and I was still in bed and really tired. Or maybe it's because I'd been really looking forward to some more much needed girl time and I just can't seem to get any without everyone's fucking boyfriends around! I don't really know why I started crying, it was just my reaction.
I said, "Ugggghhhh ok I'm out."
NOT IN THE MOOD TO "HANG AT HOME" WITH 2 COUPLES.
Carrie: Wtf Peyton
Me: Sooooo dont wanna be a 5th wheel right now.
Lauren: My sister is going to be there too.
Yea, cuz she fucking LIVES there. NOT the same.
I didn't respond.
Then Carrie called. I felt weird trying to explain to her that I'm trying really fucking hard to not get depressed, and hanging out with you guys and your boyfriends is not going to help. I can't remember exactly what I said, I just told her I didn't wanna hang out with couples, I couldn't deal with it right now. And she tried to convince me it wouldn't be like that, and she doesn't act coupley, and the guys would go off and talk and we could just hang out... But I still declined. I told her it wouldn't make a difference who the couples were, I just can't do it. And she said she understood. Then I suggested we meet up after and go for drinks, since she and Jack were gonna stay at my place anyway, and she agreed.
Since I had the day off from work, I spent it cleaning, doing laundry, and changing my bedding, since I was gonna let them have my bed, and just take the couch for the night. I cleaned the litter box, and the kitchen, and got rid of any clutter around the house. It took most of the day. Then Brian texted and asked what I was doing later. I forgot I'd told him I was off Sunday and that maybe we could hang. Of course, that was before I knew Carrie and Jack would be sleeping over. So I told him what was going on, and I said he could join all of us for drinks. He seemed a little uncomfortable with that though, and asked if we could just meet first, before I go out with Carrie and Jack. So I agreed.
I texted Carrie and said, "I'm gonna go on a sort of date. He knows I'm meeting up with you though, but I'll probably go to the other side of the river. So let's just keep in touch."
Carrie: I can just stay here if that's easier? But if you wanna ditch him let me know and I will come over. I don't want to interrupt.
Me: No! I don't wanna change our plans! I'm just meeting him for a couple drinks.
Carrie: I will be back next weekend too
Me: I have to work all wkend next week cuz I'm filling in for a girl who's gonna be out of town, but if you would rather stay with Lauren, that's fine
Carrie: No that's not it at all, just didn't want to interrupt your date. We are about to eat, what you thinkin? 8?
Me: Yea that's cool

So I go to meet Brian around 6:45. The date went well I guess, but it's definitely not gonna work out between us. Aside from the fact that he's terribly allergic to cats, he wants five fucking kids! FIVE! That is completely out of the question. We actually had an interesting debate about that.
You know what I really hate? People basically telling me that I should want children, because - insert one or more here:
A) It's expected of me, as a woman
B) It's just what married couples do
C) You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy
D) You can't be happy or fulfilled without children
E) I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't want them!

UUUGGGHHHHH.
PEOPLE! STOP TELLING WOMEN THEY NEED/WANT/SHOULD HAVE CHILDREN. I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.
I get this from men and women alike. Honestly, more from women. There are several reasons that I don't want kids, and I can think of a lot more cons than pros. Sure, people who have kids love them. But that doesn't mean they wouldn't have been just as happy if they never had any in the first place!
Anyway, that's a rant that deserves a post of it's own, so back to the story...

It's not gonna work between Brian and me, but he's a nice guy. About 45 minutes into our date, I get a text from Carrie. It's 7:30pm. "What up. We are just going to stay here. We have been drinking. Y'all have fun."
I was pissed, but almost unsurprised. I didn't respond.
When I got home I was even more upset than that morning. I cleaned my fucking house and did laundry and all this stuff for them to came stay and she just fucking blew me off to have couple time with Lauren and Dallas. It's like because I'm single and now they are not, I no longer FIT in, because I don't have a dude to bring.

So that's basically my life right now. I haven't talked to Carrie since, although she just texted me about something random. I don't know what to say because I'm upset and I want her to know I'm upset and I want her to know why, but I also don't want it to become a thing between us. She's generally a good friend, and was single for a long time too, so it's not like this is common.
I didn't go to dinner with them because sometimes you have to be able to give yourself what you need. You have to prioritize your own needs before others. And that's what I did, and I'm still the one getting shit on for it.

Strangers

Sorry my last post was so weepy. This is the first time I've logged into the blog since I posted that, and I definitely was going through some depression. I think it was mostly the death of my grandfather. I still can't think about him being gone without tearing up. He's the closest person to me that I've lost, and I miss him terribly. But things have gotten a bit better. I'm not depressed anymore anyway. It's just hard for me to blog, because it requires me to examine my life from an inward and exploratory perspective, and honestly, that does tend to make me a bit depressed. So I'm trying to live more in the now. And I'm trying to get out more, and put myself out there more. But it's very difficult. Being in your 30's sucks. I don't know where everyone gets off telling you it's gonna be so great, cuz it's totally not. I'm too old to be irresponsible, hell, I'm too old to WANT to be irresponsible. And the weight of all my responsibilities is crushing! But I don't really feel like an adult yet. I'm still struggling financially and with my own identity, and I'm still single, of course. So it kind of seems like I'm just in limbo, waiting for things to distribute evenly so I can quit this balancing act that is my life. ((Sigh)) But I'm looking ahead, and I'm trying.
Anyway, today I was listening to this Tove Lo song where she says,

Lovers
Into friends
Move on
To strangers

And my brain just took off with that. How weird is it that you can be in love with someone, be incredibly intimate with them, know all their nooks and crannies and secrets, and then BAM! One day, you're complete strangers. It's so unfathomable, isn't it? It makes me quite sad actually. But maybe that's just because I'm alone. But still though, something has been lost, and that's sad. Often it's for the best, but...I dunno. To think about how you can be so close with someone and never expect it to go away, but it does sometimes.
For those of you who don't know Tove Lo, or only know her single, Talking Bodies, I actually came across her album, Queen of the Clouds, a little over a year ago, and it's really amazing. I listened to nothing but that album for like 2 weeks. So check it out if you haven't already.

Is Anyone There??

So who's been to check out the new blogger on Cosmo.com?? I'm not sure I'm digging this new chick as much as K, but I'm gonna keep reading before I judge... Either way, it's totally fiction. No one is 24, fresh out of college, and has that good of a job these days. ((Sigh)) But hey, it's nice to fantasize.

Anyway...
Matt and I have plans to hook up again this weekend. So that should be fun. So far today has been one of the most boring days of my life. I actually don't have anything to do for the next 2 days. No family or friends coming in town, no work, no doctor/dentist appointments. I guess this will give me no excuses to not practice piano. I'm starting lessons back up next Tuesday.
Sophie and I had a nice relaxing day together yesterday. We went to the beach, lunch/cocktails, and then to the movies to see Brave. Which was great btw! I highly recommend it. And we rode our bikes everywhere, so my legs and ass are really feeling it today. Lol.
Last night when I got home, I was talking to my mom on the phone and I realized that I don't think I'm ever going to get married. And I'm not all that worried about it. And it worries me that I'm not worried about it. Lol, wtf?? It's just that I've been single for so long, and I'm not meeting anyone, and I don't really know how to meet anyone. And it's not for lack of trying! It's just...I gave the whole online dating thing a shot, and that was a bust, I'm not trying to pick up guys in bars, I usually look like crap when I go to the grocery store so...where does that leave me? I've pretty much just given up on looking. I mean if casual sex with Matt is all that's in the cards for me right now, I'll take it. At least it's drama free, right?
I'm in a place where I've accepted my life the way it is, and while I may never be completely satisfied, at least I'm happy. And who knows if I'll stay in Chicago forever. I might only be here for another year or two. If I move though, it's definitely gonna be New Orleans. That oughta be fun, right? Hahaha. We'll see...

Anyway, sorry the blog has been so bland lately, but my life isn't always exciting. I just hope you all are still reading!

First Day of Summer

Sorry it's been so long, but I did warn you guys that it might be difficult to post with finals and moving. But school is out as of Wednesday, and I've been in my new place for two weeks now! It's great. Cluttered, but great. I'm still working on unpacking, but I know everything will be ready in time for my house-warming/birthday party in a couple of weeks. I'm gonna start blogging regularly again, now that the insanity is over. So I'm just gonna try to briefly catch you guys up on everything that's been going on...

The move went smoothly, all things considered. Katie helped me paint the new place (a light, minty turquoise, which I love!) before I actually moved in. I have been trying to unpack a few boxes each day, but I feel like I just have so many projects to do! Shelves/curtains/pictures to hang. I've turned into quite the self-taught handyman. Lol. Sorta...
Anyway, Bethany and Carrie are both coming to visit for my birthday weekend!! I'm so excited. Taryn was supposed to come too, but apparently she has been taking a lot of trips lately so she couldn't afford to come. But Carrie and Bethany and I are definitely going to have a blast. I'm also going to be hosting a housewarming/birthday party while they're here. So that should be fun, plus it's a good goal for me to have as far as getting my place in tip-top shape.

Now onto the next topic: online dating. So far, it has been horrible. For one, it literally feels like a chore having to go through all these messages and filtering out everyone who so obviously doesn't meet my aforementioned requirements. Why bother messaging me if you live halfway across the country, when it clearly states in my profile that I don't want a long distance relationship!? Ugh... I've been on ONE whopping date. And that guy turned out to be a stalker. Literally. He will not stop texting me. I tried to let him down easy... After our first date, I realized that I was not attracted to him and we had no chemistry, but I was nice to him, because he was a nice guy. So I just sort of slowly decreased our interactions. Basically I took longer to respond to his texts until eventually I just didn't respond at all. Well this date we went on took place in mid-April. The last time I responded to one of his texts was on April 21, when I told him that I was too busy with finals and moving to go out with him. I figured he would get the hint eventually if I just stopped texting him, but clearly, he hasn't gotten it yet. I got another text message from him about 20 minutes ago (4am!!) asking me if I'm awake! WTF DUDE?! SERIOUSLY!? He has sent me now 10 messages over the last 2 weeks, all of which I have ignored and he still won't leave me alone. Thank god I've moved and he know longer knows where I live. (I allowed him to drive me home from our date.) Anyways, so I'm feeling very discouraged and frustrated with the online dating thing. I've decided it's definitely not for me, but I have like a month and a half left of my subscription, so I'm stuck with it for now. ((Sigh))

Anyway, when I got home a little bit ago, I was unpacking a small box full of old birthday cards and such, and I was reading through them when I found one from Brandon. It was a Valentine's Day card. He wrote, "I know at times it may seem like I don't care very much about things, but I just want you to know how special you are to me in my heart. Lots of love and smiles, Brandon."
And there was one of those little recorded voice things in it, and he said my nickname, just a silly pet name he'd given me, and then it started playing the song My Girl. It was really weird seeing that because I've finally developed enough distance and detachment that I'm not automatically filled with regret at the thought of Brandon. It wasn't a feeling of loss,it was just...emptiness. Not loneliness, but melancholy I guess. I don't know, I just feel...unfulfilled. Hungry. I mean, I want love so badly, but I just can't seem to find it. And there doesn't really seem to be anything I can do to help myself. ((Sigh))

Well, I should go to sleep. It's 4:24am and I'm meeting Sophie and Brent for brunch at 12:30. Tomorrow is my first official day of summer. No school and no work. And I plan to thoroughly enjoy it.

Is This A Bad Idea?

Well...I went and did something I never thought I would do.
I joined an online dating website.
So far so good I guess. I mean I just joined Sunday night and I've gotten a lot of responses so far. But there sure a lot of "absolutely not interested"s to sort through. I guess I shouldn't complain though. I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes.

As far as everything else, I've been realllllllly busy with just...fucking everything. I'm moving in like 2 1/2 weeks and I've barely begun to pack. Not to mention I gotta get movers and everything else. UGH! I hate moving. It'll be worth it though. I just wish I could fast forward to May already! I've been really stressed, and not getting enough sleep too, which has made blogging hard. So bear with me over the next couple weeks if I don't write much. I'm not going to disappear again, don't worry!

It Could Be Worse

Well I think I'm over the crying part, but I'm still listening to Taylor Swift and Jeff Buckley and thinking about Brazil constantly. ((Sigh))
I just miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss looking forward to seeing him on the weekends, and of course I miss the sex, but that's not what's killing me. It's that we got along so well, we had a lot of fun together, and things were just...easy. It wasn't like we had to try hard, ya know? But now he's just gone. Absent. This missing piece of the puzzle. Apparently it's a piece that's always been missing, I just didn't realize it till recently... :/
In my sudden craving for a rebound guy, I texted Bill the other night. Remember Bill? The tall guy from my improv class, we went out on like 1 real date, but then I strangely never heard from him again? Well...we've been texting pretty much ever since. He even said we should hang out. But I'm not trying to rush into everything. I'd forgotten how funny he is though! Brazil wasn't funny, and neither are most of my ex-boyfriends now that I think about it.... I like having someone to laugh with. Someone really actually funny. Bill is really actually funny. Lol.
Anyway... I've been spending a lot of time lately with Katie and Abbie. Not at the same time, but you know they're like my 2 best girlfriends here at the moment, and that's definitely what I need. Abbie couldn't believe the shit that went down with Brazil. She actually met him, unlike any of my other friends. But that's only because he would come into the bar when we were both working. But I've been having fun just doing girl things. Mostly shopping... I'm realizing I have a stress-induced shopping habit. But oh well, at least I don't smoke cigarettes or eat in my sleep. It could be worse? I got some really great steals on some outfits for spring too, so I don't have any complaints.
I came across this song the other day, and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. One, because it's Foo Fighters and they're one of my top 3 favorite bands of all time, and two, because it's like it's literally about me. It's weird because I've listened to the song many times before, I just never really listened to it, before now...

I should have known that it would end this way
I should have known there was no other way
Didn't hear your warning
Damn my heart gone deaf

I should have known
Look at the shape you're in
I should have known
But I dove right in
One thing is for certain
As I'm standing here
I should have known

Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt

I should have known
I was inside of you
I should have known
There was that side of you
Came without a warning
Caught me unaware

I should have known
I've been here before
I should have known
Don't want it anymore
One thing is for certain
I'm still standing here
I should have known

Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt

No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
I should have known

Maybe you was right
Didn't want a fight
I should have known
Couldn't read the signs
Couldn't see the lie
I should have known

Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
To leave us all in debt

I should have known.

Guess Who's Single Again???

GAVIN.

And guess who's going to be seeing (screwing?) him again in December?

THIS KID.

Excited?

I think so.

Growing Up

Thanks so much everyone, for all the encouraging comments. It's so nice to know I'm not alone!! I know my posts lately have been few and far between, but it seems like these days I only use my computer to write papers and do research, and of course, for the occasional visit to Amazon.com...

But alas! This week is my last week of school for the semester! Which means I'll have a lot more free time, which will hopefully lead to me making some more friends, and being able to actually go out and do things with them.

Nicole and I never hang out anymore. I feel like she kind of just...ditched me one day. Decided I wasn't cool enough, or whatever, and just stopped inviting me to do things. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. I mean, she is very busy, and has like 3 jobs, but then again...she had 3 jobs when we first started hanging out. There's just something about her that reminds me of Melissa, and therefore leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Like, I can't trust her, or expect much from her. So I don't. But, oh well.

I have made at least 1 good friend at school. Her name is Jenni, and we both transferred in together, and have 1 class together. She's much younger than me though, so I feel like sometimes the age gap defines the friendship. She's doing and experiencing things that I no longer have an interest in. Like binge drinking. Lol. But it is kind of nice to feel like the mature, responsible one. Haha. And she seems to think I'm so...wise. She's never had a boyfriend before, and is constantly asking me for advice, and my opinion on things. It's strange. But I suppose wisdom does come from experience. And when you're 21, the world is your oyster. Jenni just starting dating a guy named Tymo (he's from Poland), who is also in our class, and he's pretty cool too. So the 3 of us often chum around campus together, and I've taken them to the comedy show a couple of times as well. But as usual, I am the 3rd wheel.

My birthday is coming up, unfortunately, and I decided to fly into New Orleans to see my family. Sophie will be there too, because she's stopping in Houston on her way to Mexico for 3 months. Some kind of work study thing. So she and my mom are driving into NOLA for the weekend. I will be there for a whole week, so I plan on spending time with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I definitely didn't want to stay in Chicago, because even though I don't feel much like celebrating my birthday, I don't want to spend it alone either. Besides, it's not like I have anyone to celebrate with out here anyway. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just being realistic. I haven't had a lot of opportunities to make new friends. The only people I see are my classmates and coworkers! But like I said before, I'm hoping that that's about to change.

Today while I was at work I randomly heard from a friend I haven't talked to in a while. John. Remember John? We used to work together at the bar in Houston, he was in the marines way back when, and he's always been a little...unusual. But we've always had this attraction to one another. He's a nice guy just...mysterious, I suppose. But anyway, we do randomly text each other here and there, just to say hi, or Happy Birthday or whatever. So we chatted for a bit. And I was telling him he should come visit me in Chicago, you know like I say to everyone, and he mentioned he had a lot of miles saved up, as well as month's worth of vacation time, and that he couldn't think of anything better to do with the time and miles. Only under the condition that we make out, he joked. But I called him out on his "joke" and told him that I wouldn't be opposed to making out with him, if he decided to make the trip. And that got me thinking...

And I don't know if I was just thinking about him because of my long dry spell, or out of sheer desperation, but I started to wonder if maybe he and I could ever work out as an actual couple. I mean we've always had chemistry, it just seems that in the past, something was always in the way. And his drinking always bothered me, because although he doesn't drink often, when he does, he gets so obliterated, he does a bunch of stupid shit and then passes out in strange places. But...it's been a couple years since I've seen him. He moved to Russia (or somewhere in that general vicinity) for a job long before I left for Chi Town. So maybe he's changed, or grown up...or something. Lol. Who knows?

But the fact that I've been single for this long is already starting to alter my judgement. In some ways good, and in some ways bad. I've been considering things that I would never give a moment's thought to before. John, for example. But then I also second guess myself and think, "Well I should just tell John to forget it, because I'm not interested in some one week fling. I'm too old for that shit." Lol.

((Sigh))

I guess this is growing up.

Tired of Waiting

I'm starting to really worry that I'm never going to find the right guy.

It's so frustrating because I'm ready to start "the rest of my life" and I want to do that with someone, but it's like I'm completely helpless to the situation, and all I can do is wait! I'm tired of waiting!

And it's not that I feel acute loneliness but I mean...I ate at a restaurant today by myself, because I just didn't have anyone to go with.

((Sigh))

Don't get me wrong, I like being by myself most of the time, and I enjoyed sitting at the bar, reading my book, and eating my fish tacos, but I wish I at least had the option of having someone's company. And pretty soon I'm not going to be considered ripe and young anymore. I'll be middle aged, and all the good guys will be taken by all the 22 year old girls.

Tonight at work, I was practically called a cougar by a 21 year old guy I work with. He said that cougars are between 30 and 50 (which is SOO NOT true, but still). He obviously doesn't know how old I am or he might not have said that, but I'm going to be 27 in a month. A MONTH! And I'm no closer to finding the right guy than I was 10 years ago. I'm afraid I've gotten too comfortable with being single.

What am I doing wrong? Or what am I not doing that I should be doing??

Maybe I should start going to some sporting events. As if I have the time...

((Sigh))

New Computer!

So I haven't been able to write the past couple days, cuz my computer totally crapped out on me! And then I got really mad, and threw it across the room. Lol. And now it's uh...well let's just say I have officially retired my old Toshiba laptop. And it was wayyyy past time for me to get a new computer.
SOOO, I am now typing on my brand new MacBook Pro!! I absolutely LOVE it! I've been wanting to get a Mac FOREVER!

Anyways, I've been reading all your comments, and I do sort of agree, that I need to be happy on my own for right now, instead of thinking about boys. In the past, I've usually had an in between person to help me get over the last guy. But not this time. And I know I'm not ready to date, but I just really don't like being alone either. And I have no news about Cory. Things have gone sort of stale in that department. Not because I'm not interested, but I mean, he lives in San Antonio, and I just don't see how we're ever gonna be able to get together unless he comes to Houston and we hang out. And he ended up not coming this weekend. So...whatever. I'm just working, and trying to save some money and get back on my feet.
Last Sunday, Summer and I went out wakeboarding on the river with some of her friends, Ben, Mark, and Michael. They used to be regulars at my old bar, and I always knew who they were, but just never really got to know them before now. And we had tons of fun! And we're gonna go out again this Sunday, only this time with more people! Bethany is gonna come, and Melissa too, even though she doesn't really know anybody. It's a shame I'm not interested in any of these guys, cuz they're all cute and fun and have good jobs. But Ben is totally in love with Summer. Lol. Michael is really sweet, and cute in a little boyish kind of way. And Mark is this huge beefy guy, who has ears that stick out. Hehe. But I like them, and they've sort of adopted me into their group this past couple weeks. Me, Bethany, and Summer go out for margaritas and Mexican food with them before work every Friday and they never let us pay. It's totally awesome!
I think I'm starting to get a handle on my Brandon situation. I mean, it's getting easier. I can honestly say that I'm not totally miserable about him anymore. Although I can't say that I'm happy, I'd rather be in between than miserable. I still think about him a lot, randomly. But it's just like sudden sharp pains now, instead of a constant dull ache. And when I do think of him, it's bad, like an abrupt intake of breath, followed by acute pain, and me trying to hold back tears. ((Sigh)) Then I have to will myself to think about something else.
The key is to keep busy, and I've been doing pretty good with that. I live for my Sundays!
Well, it's like 5 in the morning now, so I should really get to bed.

New Level of Bummed

He changed his myspace status to single.
Why does that, of all things, have to hurt so much?
I sat at my computer and cried for a few minutes.
Thought about texting him.
Thought about calling him.
But I didn't.
But I have absolutely nothing to distract me, nothing to take my mind off how terrible I feel.
I wish I could just not care.
I wish I could just forget him.

Prospects

Ok so I did something in a moment of desperation. Something...uncharacteristic of me. Something maybe a little foolish, and yet...I don't regret it!
I joined a dating website. Lol. I know, stupid, right?? But I was starting to think you know, I'm not meeting any decent guys out in Houston, and the ones I think are decent, turn out to be douchebags who don't want relationships. So I figured, where better to find relationship material than someplace where other people are looking for the same things I am! So I signed up for like 1 month, just to see what would happen.
And I actually met a cute, decent guy! And we've been chatting back and forth for the past couple days. His name is Brady, he just moved here from Dallas where he was going to school. He's a financial analyst, but he says he doesn't want me to think of him as "that boring cubical guy". He does a lot of out-doorsy type stuff, and he's 6'4"!!!! Oh, and did I mention he's really good looking?? I mean, we haven't met in person or anything but he has like 7 pictures up, and he looks cute in all of them. The only setback is he's 23. But that's not like a huge age gap or anything, so maybe he'll be more mature than most 23-year-olds. Better yet, here's hoping he's more mature than most 27-year-olds. Ugh...
So anyways, today he gave me his phone number, but I didn't call him. I decided to wait it out. So he emailed me again, and asked for my number, and I gave it to him. But I don't think he's checked his messages yet, so maybe I'll hear from him tomorrow.
But I'm keeping it really...chill. Not trying to jump the gun or anything. And I'm gonna make sure when we meet, it's with a group.
I hung out with Bethany all day yesterday and today. She's the only person I've confided in about my online dating scheme. Lol. She teased me of course, but when I told her about Brady and showed her his picture, she agreed, he might be a good one!
Thank God for Bethany! She and I just...click. You know? I mean I really get her, and she really gets me, so there's no need for any pretenses. It's nice. Kind of a relief from the day-to-day actually.

Other than the online thing, I actually met someone last night! He's a friend of Tug's, and we were all out together at an Irish pub last night. Tug told me his friend thought I was hot, and then Bethany introduced us. He's a minor league baseball player, slated to play for the Astros in a year or 2 (which is freakin' awesome cuz I love baseball!), and he's really sweet, and kinda quiet. He's cute too, but unfortunately, like all baseball players, he dips. Ew. But...I guess I'll worry about that later. I gave him my number, and he actually called me today!
We just got off the phone a couple minutes ago actually, and he told me he's gonna be out of town for the week (games in Dallas and Arkansas), but that he wants to take me out to dinner when he gets back. So I said I would love to, and we talked for a little bit before exchanging goodbyes.

So the past couple days have been somewhat exciting! I'm actually able to go for almost a half a day without thinking about Daniel. I think I only really thought about him like 2 or 3 times today. And it was brief, and it didn't make me get too sad. I just keep busy and keep distracted. And I'm very interested in these 2 guys! I'm just gonna date, and try to take things slow, not put all my eggs in one basket, yada yada...
I joined a softball team too. Have I mentioned that?? Brady wants to come to the batting cages with me and "teach me how to hit home-runs." :)
And I just might let him!
Although, maybe Baseball Guy would be better suited for that lesson...

P.S. Does anyone read Bedroom Blog?? If you do, have any of you noticed that all the things that recently happened to me, are now happening to K.?? Is that weird or what?? You know, NB being an early-intense-relationship guy?? SOOOO Daniel! And I mean...she's fictional!
Weird...

The Replacement

The first thing that I need to bring to your attention, is a certain comment I received, that had me reeling after I read it. If you could all please go look at my last post, in the comments, and read the one anonymous comment on there, in which someone PRETENDED to be the other Peyton, whom I have decided to call WTP (White Trash Peyton).
Seriously!? Wtf. I dunno who you are, but get a fucking life. For real. I know that you're not her, because I'm not a complete idiot and I don't divulge everything in this blog. So I hope you don't think you were super clever and/or imaginative by coming up with that. That's all I am going to say.
And now, a little insight into WTP (the real girl, not the fake comment person).
Alyssa and I both got off work at 9 tonight, and we decided to hang out afterwards, since neither of us have really seen each other, or talked much in the past couple weeks. So we went across the street, where one of Daniel's friends, Carl, was waiting tables, so we could chat in a low key environment, and say hi to Carl.
I met Carl when Daniel and I first started dating, and he was definitely my favorite out of all Daniel's friends. So we get along really well, and I actually enjoy hanging out with him.
Anyways, Alyssa and I talked some more about Daniel (she brought it up!), and she told me that she's concerned he might be getting into drugs. Like...serious drugs. She said he hasn't really been completely honest with everyone, and he's been shady with his friends, shady with his family, shady with me... Something just isn't adding up. There is something going on with him, other than WTP. And Alyssa is also speculating that maybe WTP is part of the reason for this change. Maybe she's supplying him with the drugs? I dunno. But Alyssa told me all about the night she met WTP, and she basically told me that WTP is trashy, unattractive and tactless. She's chunky, with bleach blonde, fried hair, and she dresses really trashy. Alyssa said she had on a cropped tank top, and her belly was totally hanging out over her pants! EW!
She also, apparently, lacks any and all social skills (i.e. RUDE), and was recently fired from her job for telling off a customer. Sounds like a real winner, huh!?
On the one hand, I can't help but feel elated by his obvious downgrade.
But on the other hand, I can't help but feel shocked, taken aback, and just devastated that he would dump me for the likes of her.
And I'm positive he cheated on me with her, because he introduced her as his...not girlfriend, but...you know, whatever, to Carl 2 days before he actually broke up with me. Which means he must have been hanging out with her that whole weekend that Sophie and Brent were here. Which confirms my suspicions and worries about him being MIA that whole time.
((sigh))
And I am really starting to get it together now. I don't feel that constant sinking feeling anymore. That feeling like I'm being dragged down...like I'm treading water with an anvil tied to my ankle. I don't feel like that anymore. I'm mostly happy, and starting to fall back into the groove of just being a happy, independent, single girl again. But I do get these sudden waves of sorrow, and regret, which usually lead to outbursts of tears.
And the thing that really sucks, is that as much as I hate him for what he did to me, and as much as I wish I could just tell him off, and tell him he's a lying sack of shit and I hope he gets syphilis, I'm worried about him! Because I still love him and care about him underneath it all, and I don't want anything bad to happen to him.
And it makes me so mad that this one stupid chick could be dragging him down with her. I hope he gets bored with her soon! I mean I'm not saying that I'm the one for him or anything, but I know he can do better than WTP!!
I don't even know why I care so much. He's a douchebag, and he probably deserves whatever's coming to him.
But anyway...Alyssa and I had a good time tonight. It just felt like things were back to normal between her and I. We could talk about anything, and I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells. So it was nice.
And now I am exhausted, so I'm going to sleep.

Cold Feet

I broke up with BJ.
I just...couldn't do it. I mean...all those feelings I had initially, those reservations? They weren't going away! Just the opposite in fact; they were intensifying! And I didn't want to drag things out, so I just...ended it.
It all started when he invited me to go to a wedding in September!

"What!?" I said, "That's like...6 months away!?"
"So what? It's in Louisiana and my whole family is gonna be there." He said.
"Yea but...we might not even still be together in 6 months!" I spluttered.
"I wouldn't be with you now if I didn't plan on still being with you in 6 months." He answered matter-of-factly.

I was pretty much speechless. And that whole conversation just got me thinking...he's in this so much more than I am!
I'm not being fair to him, and I'm wasting his time, leading him into this false sense of...I don't even know!
I mean there was always the issue with his height that bothered me, and ladies...at the risk of sounding shallow, I have to say it. His, um...member. It was minuscule. To the point where it was like, why even bother having sex?
Yes.
That bad.
And I discussed the issue with Melissa because I mean...what do you do in that situation!? It's not like he can help how tall he is, or how small his penis is! Those things about him are never going to change. And I knew that those were both things I wasn't going to be able to deal with forever.

So anyways, when I talked to him I just said that we were in 2 different places in our relationship. And he likes to plan things, and I don't! And I admitted that I was a little freaked out about the wedding invite 6 months in advance. And basically what it boils down to, is I'm not ready to be in a relationship.
I didn't wanna tell him that basically, I just wanted to have fun, but didn't see a future with us. Because that would be incredibly cruel and heartless. But I still told him the truth.
I definitely wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I've really come into my own this past year, being single. And I like my freedom. And I like having options. And as silly and naive as it may sound...I'm still waiting for Mr. Wonderful! He's gotta be out there somewhere right?? Not necessarily the man of my dreams or anything, but at least a guy who I could see a future with.

Needless to say, BJ didn't take the news well at all. In fact, he acted very immaturely. He pretty much told me "fuck you, I'm deleting your phone number, and I never wanna talk to you again." I responded that I'm sorry for hurting him, but I didn't think I was being fair to him, and I just wanted to be honest with him. And that I will always care about him.
What sucks is, I originally myspaced him to get my friend back. And now I'm back where I started, because he definitely doesn't wanna be my friend.
((sigh))

One thing I am certain of, is that I did the right thing. We were only together for what? Two weeks? He will get over me quickly and move on. And at least this way it didn't end in a huge, violent blow out. But still, no matter how it happens, breakups are always so taxing. I mean it took a lot out of me to have that conversation, and it hurt to hurt him. I never wanted that. In the future I'm going to have to consider the consequences of my decisions more carefully.

Demetri Of The Day:
“I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’”

Get A Date in 2008

New Years Eve was bittersweet. Melissa and I went shopping for outfits that morning, but then she came down with a fever and had to go home! So I was worried she wasn't going to make it out! She also confessed to me while we were shopping, that Jake, the new door guy, asked for her number, and she gave it to him!
"Are you mad?? I'm so sorry! I know you think he's hot! I was wasted!"
"No, I don't care..."
I said that because it was my first reaction, and because my mind was a bit preoccupied with The Model, but later I realized, I DO care! That sucks! How come all the guys I'm interested in are never interested in me?! But it's not Melissa's fault she's so likeable. ((sigh)) Anyways, I found a really pretty black sequined halter to wear to work.
When I got home from shopping, my mom said she and my aunt Jessica wanna set me up with my 14-year-old cousin, Noelle's, riding instructor's son. (That's a mouthful, I know!) But apparently he's 27, he has a good job, he rides horses, he's really hot, and he speaks French! He's tall with wavy black hair...sounds dreamy! Only problem is, they live in Louisiana! But Jessica says he works out of Houston, so we'll see. I told them to commence with the set up. What have I got to lose??

Well, I spent the next few hours showering, getting ready and fixing my hair. I was almost late for work because I took so long! When I got there, Melissa, Amanda and them were already there, and they stuck me in the back bar, which sucked! Lately they've been putting me up front, now that I have more seniority, and I guess I've proven myself. So I hate going back in the other bar. It's stuffy and small, and you can't see anyone! So my night started off pretty crappy. Plus, there was no sign of The Model. But after about an hour and half, they sent me back up to the front! So that was a turn for the best! Once I got up there, it was about 11, and I took several shots! Management was being a lot more lenient on our drinking since it was a holiday, and all the employees were drinking! Ali and I were working side by side, and she and I have started to become friends! She likes working with me up front cuz she says I'm the only one who can keep up. :)
So we had a pretty good time. Then, as midnight started to creep up, I began to get anxious. There was still no sign of The Model!
Nick told me that if he saw him kissing another girl, he'd punch him in his face. I told him he would do no such thing! But he said he just doesn't wanna see me cry. Awwe! That is probably the sweetest thing he's ever said to me.
Well, midnight came and went...no Model, no kiss.
My night went back to being shitty. And it was so insanely busy, that we ran out of well vodka, Absolut vodka (which is our call), and all our glasswear! It was absolute chaos!! So I was trying to get caught up making waitress tickets, and serving shots in pint glasses, when I looked up and there he was, in all his beauty and magnificence!
"Hey Peyton!"
I flushed immediately, partly cuz of the alcohol, and partly cuz of the way he looked at me.
"Oh..." I stammered, "Hey! Where have you guys been!"
"We were hanging out with the family for a little bit."
I made The Model and Mitchell some shots, which we all took, and the night got a little better. ;)
I kept a closer watch on him than I should have probably, to see if he was with any girls, but I didn't notice any. Still no New Years Kiss for me though. :(
The rest of the night was rather monotonous. Most of the employees were drunk by the end of the night. We made really good money though. I went home feeling placated, but lonely. ((sigh)) And I'm pretty sure The Model has already gone back to New York.
Well at least he didn't do anything to piss me off.

I'm really excited about my photoshoot with Amy this Saturday! Amanda is letting us use her room because she's got a great bedroom set! I've been looking at boudoir pics all week to get ideas. I want them to be kind of like 50's pin-up style; tasteful, but sexy.

Well, I guess what I need to start focusing on now is finding a job, and getting a date! Any suggestions?

Mitch Of The Day:
"I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry.'"

Charlotte's Birthday

About a week after I got back from New York, Jenna and I did a photoshoot! My first photoshoot! And it was so much fun!! Not to mention the pics came out awesome! I'm really excited because I think this will help me get my freelance photography business off the ground! Woohoo!!

In other news, Melissa is single again! I mean, it kinda sucks for her, because her stupid boyfriend dumped her for his slutty ex, but she's definitely better off! And as soon as I got back from New York, we started to hang out a lot. It was just like old times! Well, she introduced me to a few of her friends, which I began to see a lot of when we went out. First, there's Amanda. She's my age, single, a second grade teacher, really goofy and sweet. Then there's Charlotte. She has a job where she gets to travel a lot, but I'm not really sure what she does. When I met her, her and her boyfriend of 4 years had recently split. Then there's Mackenzie. She's a promo girl for Tito's vodka, so I see her at work a lot. Anyways, all three of them are great, and the 5 of us always have a blast when we hang out!
So Charlotte's birthday was a couple weeks ago, and we all decided to make a trip to Austin for the night to celebrate. I was able to get my shift picked up at the last minute, lucky me!
We all drove together in Charlotte's company car. We had so much fun talking, and singing loudly and horribly to Justin Timberlake in the car. I texted Tommy to tell him to come hang out, but he was in Houston! What are the chances...
We stayed at a really nice hotel in the heart of Austin, just a few blocks from 6th Street! It was perfect!
So we all got dressed and ready in the hotel room and then went to have dinner at Truluck's, which is a fancy steakhouse in Austin, with the best blueberry martinis! Dinner was amazing, and we all left feeling content.
The first place we headed was 6th St. We went to Josh's bar, and he gave us a couple rounds of shots, as usual, in exchange for a kiss. Although, I noticed there's not really any sparks between us anymore. It's more of a routine than anything. He told me to come back later and see him though.
We hit up the usual bars, getting tons of free drinks along the way! It was so much fun!
But later on in the night, we got split up into 2 groups. Me, Melissa and Charlotte, and Amanda and Mackenzie. For some reason, I was feeling quite sober, while Melissa and Charlotte were quite the opposite! Charlotte was talking to every person she encountered, and practically tripping over her own feet by the time we made it to 4th Street. I was also the only one who was smart enough to bring a jacket, so Melissa and Charlotte wouldn't stop whining about how cold it was. I ended up just giving them my coat to share, so I wouldn't have to listen to them complain anymore.
Well, I was started to get irritated, being the only sober person, and Melissa was starting to get mad, because she was convinced that Amanda and Mackenzie had ditched us. So things were starting to go downhill by this point. Then we went back to Josh's bar to see him, and the door guy wouldn't let us back in. This sent Melissa flying off the handle! It's pretty funny, in retrospect, but at the time, she was scary! I thought she was gonna spit on the guys shoes! So we left, and started heading towards a pizza stand, Melissa still mumbling strings of profanities about the door guy. She had also ignored probably 6 of Amanda's calls, because she was mad at her too. Lol.
When we got inside the pizza parlor, Charlotte started crying. No warnings! Just tears! She was so drunk, she could hardly walk or talk, and now she was sobbing too! So Melissa and I got the pizza and started our trek back the hotel, practically supporting Charlotte. We both kept telling her to stop crying, but she just couldn't stop!
"Why are you crying Charlotte?! It's your birthday, and you've had a great time, and you have no reason to be crying! STOP CRYING!" Melissa scolded her.
"I know," Charlotte sniffled. "I just can't help it!" she continued to sob.
We both knew it was about her ex, but there was no comforting her. She just wanted to cry!
So there I was, walking down the street with Mad and Sad. What a sight we were! And I was freezing my ass off, in a halter top with no coat. When we got back to the hotel, Mackenzie and Amanda were already there waiting. We had both room keys. Melissa said something snippish to Mackenzie about them leaving us, and got in the elevator without us. Amanda tried comforting Charlotte and Mackenzie was asking me why Melissa was mad at them. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA! I just wanted to scream!
"Look, we've all been drinking, let's just go to bed and deal with this crap in the morning!" I said.
So that's what we did. But by the time we were all in bed, everyone had made up, and Charlotte had stopped crying, and everything was fine again. Except that it literally took me a good 30 minutes to thaw out and stop shivering! Plus I was sharing a bed with Melissa and Charlotte so I hardly slept a wink.
But I think it was worth it.
I love my girls!

Mitch Of The Day:
"I think a rotisserie is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. We will take a chicken, impale it, and then rotate it. Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chickens!"

Clarity

Ok I know it's been a while, so I have a lot to write. I'm gonna try to to this chronologically.

Last Saturday we stayed after work and played poker. It was so much fun! Annnnnnd...Gavin was there. He sat next me and we talked a bit. I know I said I was over him, but hey, he's still hot and available as far as I know! So we goofed off and drank and played cards till about 7:30 am, and then the people that were still playing decided to take the party over to DJ's house because the cleaning crew was about to show up! Gavin invited me to go smoke a bowl with him at his place, and I was soooo tempted to, just so I could hang out with him, but it was 7:30 in the morning, and I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. So I went home. He said his offer still stands anytime. So we'll see...

As for Billy, we hung out a lot this past week! I stayed at his place Thursday, Sunday, and Tuesday! We ate out, and watched movies mostly, but it was fun. I did, however, realize that my fears of not wanting a boyfriend weren't actually self-sabotage. It was the truth revealing itself to me in it's own way. The thing is, Billy is a supernice guy, and he seems to be genuinely into me, which is more than I can say for any of the guys I've dated this summer. So I guess I kinda jumped at the chance to have someone there who would appreciate me, when really, he isn't the guy for me. I mean he's great, and fun, but after the excitement of having a new guy wore off, there just wasn't any chemistry. I mean, I'm not that physically attracted to him either, and I kinda feel like I'm settling, just because he likes me. So...I'm going to have to end things with Billy. I'm just not really sure how at this point. I just don't want things to get too far, and too involved, and too messy. So it's better to end it after a week, than after a couple months. Right?? I mean this might sound awful to some of you guys, like I'm just throwing back the first good guy I find, but honestly, I'm goin' with my gut on this one.
((sigh))
In other news, I've been kind of avoiding May lately. Well, not exactly avoiding, I just didn't have any desire to hang out with her because she acts so...different! She got back with the shady ex-boyfriend, and things just went downhill from there. But of course, they broke up again, and I wanted to wait it out a little and see if it would stick. So I called her up yesterday and asked if she wanted to go to dinner. Well dinner turned into going out after we'd had a couple margaritas! Haha, but we had a blast! We got ready at my house and headed to midtown to find the party. Granted, it was a Wednesday so we weren't expecting much! We went to several different places, and they were all slow, so we finally headed over to my bar. The Albanian was working. I asked him where everybody was tonight and he said, "Why aren't you at Rich's?? DJ AM is spinning tonight!"
I had heard that DJ AM (you know, the guy who dated Nicole Richie) was going to be in town, but I didn't know when, so this was definitely a pleasant surprise. The Albanian pulled 2 tickets out of his pocket and handed them to us. We thanked him a million times and bolted out of there as fast as we could!

When we got to Rich's, the place was packed! Definitely more excitement than we had bargained for on a Wednesday night! So we valeted and headed inside. I ran into Frank, and a few other people from work and we took a couple shots. I got a cute bartenders phone number too, so I guess you could say the night was a success!! ;)
Rich's stayed open till 5 am last night, but pretty much everyone left at 2 because the bar closed. So a few of us decided to go to our favorite 24 hour restaurant for some grub. May came too of course, but then she got a mysterious phone call and someone picked her up. She called me later and said she was too tired and not feeling well so she called a friend. ((shrugs))
Anyway, so it was just Frank, The Albanian, and one of our managers whom I will call Mr. S.
After dinner/breakfast Frank asked if I wanted to stop by and see the (our) apartment, since it was just down the street. I jumped at the chance because I'm supposed to be moving in in 2 weeks!
And he wasn't kidding when he said he was doing serious work on it! The apartment looked like a construction zone! The entire place was covered in dust, and there were half finished projects everywhere! But I can tell, it's gonna look bad ass when he gets finished! I mean he completely flipped it! Haha, seriously, I told him he should work in construction. It was pretty amazing. I also told him we're having a huge house-warming party. Lol.

Ok so last, but not least, in the news, Vette Guy called me yesterday. ((sigh)) Yea...a whole 'nother can of worms. He wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow (today) because he's gonna be up at my work watching the football game. I told him I'm working at 10, and he said I should come in earlier and hang out with him. So...I dunno. I'm kinda thinkin' about it, just because after the Billy situation, maybe I need a jump start?? I dunno...maybe that's just a really really bad idea. I'm leaning towards the latter. But I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do.

I have off tomorrow, for like the first time in weeks! Melissa and I have big plans to hit the town. I got the cutest dress! Jenna's coming too, and Alyssa and Cecilia!! Her mom is taking Presley for the night so she can have a girls night out with us. It's gonna be so much fun, I can't wait! Maybe I'll meet a new hot guy...or maybe I'll just have a grand time with my girls, as always!

Mitch Of The Day:
"A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage."

Loose Ends

Evan and I hung out the other night, and things were just...weird. I mean it was like neither of us knew exactly how to act, or if the other was thinking yes, no, maybe? So I said "Evan...I think maybe it would be easier on both of us if we just stayed friends" and he agreed. We've just been friends for way too long, and I don't know how else to act with him! So, friends it is.

I'm still waiting to hear about the job in New York City. I want it sooooooo bad! I mean, I know I need to get my life together. I feel like I'm falling in a black hole, and I don't wanna get stuck. And moving to a new city, with a blank slate is just what I need. I hope...

Ok, I know I said I wasn't gonna do this, but I just can't keep my mouth shut! If you're going to comment on my page, please don't patronize me or talk to me like I'm a dirty slut. Because I'm not. I don't sleep around. In fact, the only guys I've ever blogged about sleeping with, are The Model, and Vette Guy. And The Model is an enigma in itself... I would freakin' marry the guy if he asked me! I think every girl has that one guy that they will always go back to, no matter what has happened in the past. And he is that guy for me. Not because he's a model...because he's him! He's fun, and goofy and crazy, and before all the drama went down, he was someone I could just be myself with. Because we didn't have any pretenses. We were just friends...with benefits! As for Vette Guy...he was definitely a mistake, but I really liked him, and I thought it was going somewhere. And nobody is perfect! So why do people have to be so judgmental? I never thought I could receive so many hurtful comments from people just because I wrote something, and I was being honest about it. I wasn't relieved that The Albanian and I didn't have sex. I did not want to sleep with him. I wrote "and no clothes came off" to emphasize the fact that there was passion, but also innocence. So some of you may have misrepresented me in your comments. I'm not asking any of you to like me, and I'm not trying to win anyone's favor. I'm just chronologging my experiences in 20-something life for my own amusement. And I'm learning from my mistakes. Oh, and please don't start comment wars on my page either! As fun as those are to read, they get out of hand pretty quickly.
So if you're enjoying my blog, and you have some advice for me, good or bad as long as you're not bitching me out, then go ahead and comment. Otherwise, seriously?? No one's forcing you to read this. If you're so disgusted by me, then don't.

G's I hope I don't have to do that again...

ANYWAYS . . .
Cecilia's baby shower is this Saturday. Her cousin and I are hosting it. I can't wait, it's gonna be so much fun! I've never really been a baby crazy type person, but I really can't wait till she has her baby! Cecilia is my first really good friend to have one. I was talking to her on the phone yesterday, and I told her she HAS to call me as soon as she goes into labor! She promised I'd be the first one she calls (besides her husband) and that I can be there in the delivery room if the doctors let me. I've seen horses give birth, but never a person. Lol, and I dunno how similar that is, but I'm looking forward to it actually! I told her she might decide she doesn't want me in there with her, but she said "Whatever, bitch! You better show up with some Starbucks!" Hahaha! I so love her! I've missed her too, being pregnant and all. But we're gonna go have some girl time today. I have some shopping to do so she's gonna come to Target with me. And tonight, Melissa and I are gonna have dinner at Friday's before I have to go to work.
So today will be a great day for girl bonding!

Mitch Of The Day:
"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

W-O-W!

Ok...for those of you that I may have offended, I'm sorry! That really was not my intention. I guess I kind of assumed, since you all KNOW about the horrible 3 days I just had, that you would understand my mood. Perhaps I was a bit snippish. Meh... Oh well.
But I've decided that the best thing for me to do, is just keep on writing, and basically disregard the comments as far as my blog is concerned. That doesn't mean I'm not going to read them, or listen to you guys. And I really do appreciate the advice. Believe me, I need it. That's one of the things I love about writing this blog, is getting the unbiased truth from people. However, I am no longer going to directly respond to anyone's comments in my blog. I'm not trying to become the Bedroom Blog with millions of readers or whatever, so if I lose a couple along the way, I'm not gonna cry about it. And if I get more readers, great! But seriously, it's just a blog.
And I really wish you all wouldn't FIGHT in the comments! Haha.
I know I can be incredibly immature, and I probably come off that way sometimes. But honestly, I am overall, a smart and together girl, who makes mistakes just like everyone else.
Perhaps I should go into a little more depth about my life. I told myself I wasn't going to do this, but perhaps it's necessary for you all to understand me a little better.
When my ex-fiance and I broke up, I had just finished my junior year of college, and I was happy and free, and all that. But my first mistake was getting sucked into a relationship I wasn't ready for, with a guy who definitely was not right for me. He had anger issues, he was incredibly insecure, immature, irresponsible...the works! I guess the reason I was initially attracted to him was because he was a "bad boy", and the complete opposite of my ex. I'm not gonna go into the gory details, but in the year and a half that I spent with him, he became jealous, possessive, controlling, and abusive. At first it was just snide remarks like, "you need to work out more", or "I don't like you hanging out with that guy".
Before I knew it, I had alienated all of my guy friends, and I had become deeply depressed. And to top it all off, I was in denial about everything. My parents hated him, so it become me and my boyfriend, versus my parents. All my friends told me he was an asshole, and even my sister warned me she thought he could become physically abusive, but I turned a deaf ear to all of it.
The biggest lesson I learned from that, is NEVER, NEVER ignore your friends and family. They're only trying to look out for you. And they want what is best for you. I stayed with The Psycho because about 9 months into our relationship, he joined the military, and I thought it might help him to grow up and learn to appreciate me. Through his training, it seemed like maybe there was hope, but when he came back, things were just worse. He would scream in my face, cuss at me, tell me to "shut the f- up", tell me I wasn't better than him, just because I went to college...and he would push me, restrain me when we fought, twist my arms till I had bruises... It makes me sick just thinking about it.
He never actually struck me, but there were several times, when I know he came close. His deal was, he just wanted to feel like he had absolute control over me. So he'd hold me down and scream in my face until I gave in.
And we fought constantly. Right before graduation, he began pressuring me to move across the country with him and be his "little wife". He wanted me to give up my friends, my family, my career...everything. I was sooo unhappy. I can't even begin to describe... And that was where the painkillers came in. When I got my teeth pulled, I needed them obviously, but when I was taking them, I just felt like I didn't care about my crazy boyfriend, or anything else. They just made me feel...happy! I never took them as a crutch, and I was never addicted to them. Just every once in a while when I was feeling really sad or lonely, I would take one and just go to sleep.
I finally broke up with The Psycho this past April. I told him our relationship was not healthy, and that I wasn't going to put up with his crap anymore. He threatened to kill himself. SO not fair to me. Especially after everything he had put me through. Leave it to him to be so selfish...
Obviously those were empty threats, but since breaking up with him, it was like having a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I could talk to my friends again, I could do whatever I wanted! And I was happy to be moving back in with my parents actually, because I wasn't alone anymore, and I was surrounded by people who truly love me and care about me. I only just graduated in May, and I'm moving out in the next couple of months as soon as I get back on my feet. So I haven't been here too long.
As for guys, I'm trying not to settle. That's what I've always done in the past. I know it may not seem that way, but it's because as lonely as I get, and as much as I think I need a boyfriend, I don't want to rush into anything. And I'm starting to appreciate myself more, without a guy.
So I wanna date, I wanna go out with my friends, and I wanna get drunk and stupid sometimes! Haha.
This is the stuff of life.

Mitch Of The Day:
"My lucky number is 4 billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice...4 billion divided by 6, at least."