AAA: Austin, Alcohol, and Anxiety

Ughhhh I started typing this last night, and then got into a long, trainwreck of a conversation with Lane, which I will blog about next time. Gonna finish this one first.

This will probably be brief, because I really just wanna veg out and watch tv right now, but I figured I should hurry up and write this before I forget. So day number 1 in Austin was great. Kevin was a little too touchy/feely for my comfort level, but it was his birthday, so I let it slide. He just kept giving me kisses. We had a connecting flight in Houston with a little bit of a layover, so he bought us drinks lol. Then we got the puddle jumper to Austin and headed to the hotel. It was like 10am, but they let us check in early, so that was lucky. Then we grabbed an Uber and headed to South Congress, where we ended up at a really good Tex Mex place. We sat at the bar, did a couple tequila shots, drank margs and ate chips & queso and just talked. The alcohol helped, of course, cuz I was feeling more comfortable with him once I was buzzed. But the PDA thing was starting to get out of hand. So eventually I had to say something. I just sorta mentioned that PDA isn't really my thing, and he shouldn't take it personally. But apparently, my opinions on the subject didn't seem to matter, because he just kept doing it. But we also kept getting drunker, so my tolerance for his behavior was going up instead of down. We met up with my cousin, Lexi, that night. She's in her last semester at UT. And that was perfect, because we were at this bar, where Kevin had friends from NOLA, and I didn't know them, so with Lexi there, I had someone to talk to and hang with. We were out on 6th street, surprisingly, for most of the night. It was just so crazy being back there after all these years. I felt really old lol. But all in all we had a really good time. I did tell Lexi about how the PDA thing was bugging me, and it was just kind of...TOO MUCH, and was like, "Yea, I can sorta tell."
I don't remember the ride back to the hotel, but I was nervous about him trying something. As luck would have it though, he passed out immediately with all his clothes and shoes on lol. So I just got ready for bed at my leisure and went to sleep unharassed.
Friday morning was brutal. I didn't sleep well at all the night before, I kept having insane dreams that were startling me awake and then I woke up super early with a really bad anxiety attack, which happens when I drink. So I got up, took a Xanax and went back to bed. I was finally sleeping well when Kevin woke me up and said he had a couple friends who wanted to meet up for lunch, and we needed to get ready to go.
Now I am NOT a morning person, and I don't like being rushed. I like to take my time, drink my coffee and not talk to anyone. But here Kevin is being all chipper and pestering me to hurry up and get ready, and I felt absolutely awful. Anxiety in full swing. Surprisingly, I didn't feel hungover, but maybe that's just because the anxiety was taking over all my senses. While I was still asleep, I had gotten a text from Lane about a dream he had. I'll paste.

We sorta kept chatting on and off throughout the next couple days, not about anything relevant really. Just small talk.

Well we finally got out of the hotel and went to meet Kevin's friends, which were these 2 Australian guys on a 6 week trip across the US. He met them at his bar too, like the day after he met me lol. But they were pretty cool. Only thing is, when they met us at the restaurant, I just couldn't deal. When I'm having a full blown anxiety attack, all I wanna do is be alone, and curl up in a ball somewhere. I can't socialize, I can't go anywhere, I just CAN'T. I can't with anything. And that's how I was feeling. I was also really super tired. So I think those Aussies got a really bad first impression of me. And of course, Kevin kept rubbing my knee under the table, and trying to kiss me on the cheek and stuff...((Sigh)) After we ate, I convinced Kevin that I just needed a nap, and I'd meet them back up afterwards. So I went back to the hotel, and couldn't have been more relieved. I took another Xanax and got in bed. I was in and out for a couple hours. When I woke up I had texts from Izzie wanting to make plans for dinner, and I filled her in on my anxiety situation. She was sympathetic, and talked to me for a bit, so that helped. After a while, I started feeling better, and actually felt a bit bored. So I toyed with the idea of getting up and going back out to meet the guys. Then Kevin called and told me they were playing shuffleboard at this place we'd been at the night before, and he missed me and blabla. Then he says, "My friends think you don't like me that much." And I was like, "Damn those perceptive fuckers!" to myself of course, lol. What I actually said was, "Dude, I can't really explain this very well to you, but I was having bad anxiety this morning, and I've told you multiple times that I don't like PDA. And since when are you gonna let these 2 dudes dictate my feelings?" And he was like, "Ok, you're right."

Lane was texting me again, because I told him I was in Austin, and how our flight was at 7am the next morning. He suggested I just ride it out and not sleep, which is something you could conceivably do in NOLA, cuz some of the bars never close, but not in Austin. Then I ended up telling him the situation with Kevin.

Note that the drugs he's referring to is some pot Kevin got from some random guy the night before. I didn't participate in that though. Lane didn't respond after that, so I got up and ralleyed. I felt tons better by the time I got there, physically, but now I felt like I had to be extra affectionate with Kevin or those dudes were gonna say something. ((eye roll)) I wasn't though. I was just normal. Truthfully, I think he's a really nice guy, but just too much for me right now. And being on that trip with him just made me think about Lane, constantly, and reminded me that I'm not over him. As much as I tried to distract myself, I was texting him the whole weekend, and trying to force something that just wasn't meant to be with Kevin. Maybe if Kevin and I had met 2 months from now... I don't know. But it was starting to really bother me that he was completely disregarding my feelings on the subject of PDA, and we ended up getting in a bit of an argument when we got back to the hotel around 12:30 that night. We didn't stay out late cuz our flight Saturday was was so early. FML. 

So we had just gotten out of the Uber and he's grabbing my ass and saying, "Why won't you kiss me?" And I'd just had it! Finally! 

I pushed him away and I was like, "Look. I've been telling you this for the past 2 days, and you just don't seem to be listening. This is all too much. It's too much! We don't know each other! I mean I came here to have a good time, and we did, and that's great, but this is probably the most impulsive thing I've ever done. And we still don't know each other. And I'm just not comfortable being like that with you and you keep pushing it! It's just too much too soon. And whatever I say, I can't win, because you'll probably be mad."

And he was like, "No, I'm not mad. That's cool, I get it. I'm sorry." But of course, he looked upset. ((sigh)). So the elevator ride back up to the hotel was awkward, I went in the bathroom, closed the door and got ready for bed, and when I came out, he was already basically asleep. I set the alarm and went to bed. 

When I got up (at fucking 5:45am), I had a response from Lane. It seemed slightly encouraging, although he was probably drunk when he typed it, but I wrote back. Then nothing.

The flights home went by pretty quickly cuz we both slept through them. And when Kevin's roommate picked us up from the airport, I just kept thinking, Almost there. Almost there, as I fantasized about being alone and in my bed with my furbabies. Then finally I was home, and I just slept. ((Sigh)) Alone at last.

Misadventures in Central America: Part I

Alright, I know I said my next post would be about my 2nd Tinder date, but because it's been a while since I've blogged regularly, I realized that there are some things I should probably catch you guys up on. The first being my trip to Central America. Sophie has been living in Guatemala for the past year, doing social work with a local youth program. She loves it there, and had been begging me to visit, and finally I had the time and the money (sort of) to go. Sophie is a Type A Personality and therefore likes to be in control and have a plan for everything, so I gave her my dates and let her plan the trip.
This was the itinerary: Louisiana > Houston > Guatemala City > Lago Atitlan > Antigua > Rio Dulce > Livingston > Belize > Guatemala City > Home

So do you guys remember when John invited me to go to Belize with him a while back, but then (as per usual) it ended up not happening? Well I got a bit tipsy one night and told him I was going to Belize finally, and that he should come! And he said he would. I didn't actually believe that he would though, because he's not the most dependable person. But he did! I'll get to that later...

So I drove to Houston first because flights were way cheaper and that way I could fly direct. I spent an evening with my dad and then he drove me to the airport the next morning on his way to work.
I'm not gonna go into ALL the details of every day, but let's just say there was a lot of rain, a lot of boat travel, and not a lot of sleep. The first night we stayed on the lake at Jim's house. Jim is this American guy who's retired in Guatemala and has a huge fancy house on the lake with its own private dock. He is currently dating a 21 year old from Texas and apparently regularly invites American girls to move in with him. Sophie moved in with him on a part time basis because it was free, and nice, obviously, but they don't have any kind of romantic relationship. So, other than the horrific boat ride across the lake in the driving rain, it was nice and peaceful at Jim's. I woke up at like 5am to take photos of the sunrise on the lake too. It was beautiful.
The next day we took another boat to the other side of the lake and spent the day sight seeing sort of. On day 3, we drove to Antigua with Jim and his child bride. Sophie and I stayed in a hostel, while Jim and his gf went to a fancy hotel. The hostel was decent, and we had our own room, but it literally poured rain the whole time we were there too.
Keep in mind, I didn't bring any rain appropriate clothing, or even a light sweater, because it was June and I was going to Central America and I thought it would be hot. But 80% of the trip was spent soaking wet and freezing.

So Antigua was fun, but also exhausting. We ate in some cool little boutique cafes and did some shopping. Then we hopped a bus at 4am to Rio Dulce, a little town on the river (obviously).
We stayed at the most amazing place!! It was like a bungalow village in the middle of the jungle. We got our own little hut, and there were hammocks everywhere, and the couple that runs the place had a dog and a cat who were super cool, and they cooked a communal dinner for us. We were the only ones staying there so really it was just like family dinner, but it was awesome! I spent a lot of time taking photos and laying around reading, which was nice. In the morning we went swimming and kayaking with the dog (who loved kayaking but hated actually getting in the river, lol).
Then the next afternoon we took a private boat to Livingston, which was the last stop before Belize.

Livingston sucked. Well, the hostel sucked. There were thousands of like genetically modified mosquitos everywhere, and we were surrounded by tons of 20 year old hipsters, who just wanted to sit around in the hostel and get wasted, instead of actually going out and doing/seeing things. Also it was hot as FUCK. I should clarify though, NOWHERE that we stayed had air conditioning, but this place was just awful. And we couldn't get out of there soon enough. And of course with all the boats and traveling, and lugging my bags around everywhere, I was just ready for some actual vacation time on my vacation. I had one bag just full of camera equipment and one rollerbag for all my other stuff. Sophie had her backpacking bag, but since I have back problems, I can't carry backpacks. :/ We did eat at an awesome restaurant and I had a boozy drink in a hollowed out coconut, and we took a really informative tour of the Garifuna village. So that was cool. But I couldn't wait to get to Belize!

So we had to go through customs before we could get on our boat to Belize, and they had to take a photo, so of course I made a stupid face. Hahaha. The boat ride was the worst yet. It was about an hour and a half of really, really choppy water, scary boat driving, and being slammed back and forth and up and down, and the luggage was all piled in the front, and I was so sure we were all just gonna tip over and spill into the ocean never to be seen again! I was also really sore and wet by the end of it. It was like riding one of those watery boat rollercoasters at an amusement park that NEVER ENDS.
But when it did finally end, we were in Placencia, Belize. An island paradise!!

More on that in my next post or 2...

Just bought a plane ticket to go to Austin and visit Izzie!! So excited!! More details to come...

Home Again

Well I am home at last! My sleep schedule is totally thrown off now due to the early mornings and the time change in Orlando. So I woke up on my own this morning at 9:30! I know that probably doesn't seem very early to you guys, but I'm a bartender, remember? Lol.

So anyway, Matt has kept in touch with me intermittently over the past week. I've been letting him make the first move each time, so he's always the first to text me, and I just respond. But yesterday I sent him a funny picture of Ron Swanson (we both ♥ Parks & Rec). Then like 5 hours later, he sent me another funny picture back, and I wrote something like, "Omg that's awesome." And he hasn't responded since.

On Saturday, when Lexi and I were at Disney World, he texted me saying he was going to stop by my bar the night before, but then remembered I was at Hogwarts. Lol. So I told him I would be back Tuesday. So he definitely knows I'm home. I'm hoping maybe I'll get to see him today, but I'm not going to hold my breath. The ball is in his court now.

As for Brazil, we're still talking, even though he's been getting on my nerves a little bit over the past couple weeks. I don't want to take any of our conversations too seriously, since they're all just facebook chat, and a lot can get lost in translation. Plus it's often hard to tell when someone is joking or being serious via text as opposed to actually talking. So I'm not going to rule him out just yet. Anyway, I talk to him a lot more than I talk to Matt. And he actually told me he wants to take me out to dinner when he gets back. So hmmm... I just need to find out more about his background. Hopefully that won't be so hard once we're in the same country. He gets back on Sunday I'm pretty sure.

Well my trip was awesome! Lexi and I had so much fun! We got into all the parks for free, except Disney, because my Uncle works in the hotel industry and has so many connections! In fact, we could have gotten free Disney tickets too, but he just couldn't get hold of the guy who could get them. But the trip was great. It was Lexi's first real trip without her parents. She just finished her first semester of college. So I let her call most of the shots since it was my second trip to Harry Potter World. But we managed to do and see everything we wanted to. And of course, my Uncle said we are welcome back any time. And of course it was great meeting my new cousins! The baby is soooo adorable. The most happy, chill baby ever!

Speaking of babies, I talked to Izzie last night, and she told me she and her husband are trying to get pregnant again. OMg! Soon the rest of my friends will follow suit. It's hard to believe really. ((Sigh)) Well I don't envy any of them. I like kids, but they aren't for me. I just don't have that mothering instinct. I mean I like to play with them and stuff, but I don't have the patience, or the desire to put my own wants on hold for a kid. Maybe that's selfish, and maybe I'll change my mind someday, but I doubt it. Lol.

Well I'm gonna go be super productive and catch up on all the TV I missed this past week. LOL. Ciao!

Orlando or Bust!

Ever been so tired, you felt drunk?? That was me and Lexi last night. Omg...Thursday Harry Potter World, Friday Sea World, Saturday Disney World. We've had a crazy couple of days! We were at Magic Kingdom for 13 hours yesterday!!! Today is relax day. Lol. The weather here in Orlando is amazing and we've been having so much fun. Tomorrow we're going back to Harry Potter World, and then Tuesday, it's back to Chicago. :(
Matt actually did text me on Thursday. We chatted almost all day! He didn't believe I was really at Harry Potter World, so I kept sending him pictures, and he kept saying I probably just found them on facebook. Lol. I haven't heard from him since Thursday, but I've been pretty busy with other stuff, so I'm not gonna worry about it. Brazil and I have been chatting online pretty frequently though. He actually really pissed me off the other night because he started this debate over who's a better wizard: Gandalf, or Harry Potter. And I was like, You're not supposed to compare the 2!! They are 2 completely different stories, written in 2 completely different worlds, in 2 completely different time periods!!! So why do you have to make comparisons?! Then he posted a status on facebook, which he tagged me in, saying he was arguing with me over who was better, and then of course millions of people were commenting on it, talking shit about Harry Potter... Ugh. He hasn't even read any of the books! Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings! I've read all of them, and I'm sorry, but I enjoyed reading Harry more. And that is just my personal opinion!, which I am, of course, entitled to, and I don't expect anyone else to share! But don't talk shit to me about Harry Potter if you want to remain friends. Lol. I warned him, but he just didn't listen. So I signed off facebook chat, and refused to talk to him for a day. Lol. He sent me millions of apologies, and posted on my wall and everything. It was pretty funny. The next day I told him I was over it, but that I hope he learned his lesson.
Anyway, I'm not so sure about Brazil anymore... Not because of the Harry Potter thing just because...I don't know. I feel like there are just some things about him that might be red flags. Things that don't quite add up. Like the fact that he was staying with some chick in Rio for a week and spent NYE with her, and the fact that some girl posted something on his facebook wall about having a "date night" when he gets back to the states, and more of the same. It seems like he just has a lot of girls around... And that shit doesn't usually fly with me. But we'll see...

Anyway, I stole away from the family to come in here and post, but I don't think it'll be long before one of my little cousins comes busting in here, so I better sign off for today. More soon!

XOXO,

Peyton

Day At The Lake

Just spent the whole day at the lake with Jenni. And I am exhausted. And my face is bright red.
((Sigh))
Fail.

I gotta work all day tomorrow, then Monday is class, and then Tuesday I leave for Houston! I can't wait to see Jenna. She's 8 months preggers now! It'll be the first time I get to see her with her belly. Also can't wait to spend the weekend with Taryn and the gang! It's gonna be a blast.
So I should have some exciting posts coming up soon!

HPWW!!

I'M GOING TO ORLANDO TONIGHT!! I'm so excited, I can't wait!!

So our employee boat trip got cancelled, because the boat company went out of business, but it's been rescheduled for Sunday, the 15th. Thank goodness it's not this weekend, otherwise I would miss it!

Well I don't really have anything else I guess, I just wanted to give you all a quick update, and I'm sure I'll have plenty to write about when I get back from THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER!!!! :D

Bon Voyage!

BEST. GAME. EVER.

As soon as I left work Saturday night, I headed over to Ben's house to meet up with Bethany, Summer and Tara. Ben wasn't home, we were meeting him, Michael, and Mark at our destination. So we hung out, watched half a movie, and got all our stuff together. Around 5:30, Summer's mom came to pick us up.

The airport was insane, since it was the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and for some reason, this had never occurred to us! But we still got there in plenty of time. Unfortunately, I can't tell you guys exactly where we went, because Todd is legitimately famous now, and you guys could figure out his identity if you really tried. And I'm not sure exactly how he'd feel about that. Plus, none of my friends know about this blog, and I'd like to keep it that way! So I'll just say, we arrived at our destination before noon, all of us completely exhausted. Ben and Michael picked us up. We could all tell they were totally hungover. Lol.

We stayed in an apartment that Ben's father's company owns. They use it for clients, and business trips and stuff like that. But it was really nice! Two bedrooms, two baths, and right in the heart of the city! So we all got settled in and laid down for a nap.

When we got up, our whole group headed out to grab some grub. And that's when the drinking began! That whole day/night was such a blur! Lol. But it was insanely fun. We met up with Todd around 7 at his hotel bar. He couldn't go out with us that night, because the team has a curfew. Todd's parents were there too, and I spent some time chatting with his mom. She's like the nicest, coolest lady! In high school, she was that super cool mom, who would let Todd show up unannounced at their house with like 6 friends, and she would whip up something delicious for everyone, and practically wait on us hand and foot! She's a really sweet lady. And very fashionable too! Hehe. So anyways, some of the other football players were in the bar too, and we got a couple pictures with some reallllllllly well known guys! Let's just say, they're hot, and have celebrity girlfriends... Hehe.

After we left the hotel, we headed back out on the town for more craziness! We even ended up at a strip club, which was totally not my idea, but whatever. There was like 10 of us! Me and the girls, Ben, Mark and Michael, and a few other guys that they were friends with, who I'd never met, but they were really cool.

Well, of course, it wouldn't have been a night out without a little drama. Summer and Ben got in a fight, Ben stormed out of the strip club. I followed him all the way back to the apartment. I was easily the most sober person in the group, and Ben was pretty drunk. He was going on and on about how he's breaking up with Summer, and driving back to his parents house, 2 hours away, and leaving us all, right then and there! And I'm like, "WHAT!? You can NOT leave, Ben! You're driving us girls back, remember?? Stop being impulsive!"
But there was no reasoning with him. I took his keys when he wasn't looking, and went back to my room. He headed out to the parking garage to "leave", but obviously he didn't get very far. Not long after, Tara and Bethany showed up. They were in a frenzy, running around packing up all their shit.

"What are you doing?" I asked Bethany.

"Packing Summer's stuff! We're going to a hotel."

I rolled my eyes. "WHY."

"Because, Summer is my best friend, and if she wants to leave, then I'm going with her!" She said all dramatic and drunkenly.

UGH. And since when are they best friends?! I wanted to ask.

"Whatever." I said, "That's dumb. And I'm not going anywhere. You guys are just making it worse by freaking out and frantically packing all your shit. They're both wasted. Once they calm down and sober up, they'll work it out. Just chill."

But of course, they didn't listen to me. People were running in and out of the apartment constantly, Ben and Summer wouldn't talk to each other. Then once they did start talking, they were outside for hours.
Drama drama drama...
I ended up passing out on top of the covers in all my clothes. When I woke up the next morning, MARK was in the bed with me! Lol. I kinda freaked out a little at first, but apparently, everyone had passed out in random places. And of course, Summer and Ben had worked everything out, and all was well in the morning.

Other than the drama, Sunday had been ridiculous, and crazy, and just...TOO much fun! I mean something was bound to happen! Because nobody has that much fun in one day. Lol.
I was the first one up, followed shortly thereafter by Tara. She and I showered and got ready to head out. We had to go meet Todd and get our tickets and sideline passes before 2:30, because he needed to get to the stadium early. Then of course, Tara and I spent like an hour trying to get everyone out of bed, and another hour waiting for Bethany and Summer to get ready.

First we met up with Todd at his hotel. Everyone was looking pretty grim, and apparently I was the only person who wasn't hungover. Lol. He gave us our tickets and our passes and told us to be at the stadium by 6, cuz that was when they'd be on the field practicing. Our passes were only good for before and after the game. And there's nobody on the field after the game, cuz the players all hit the locker rooms. So we knew we had a lot of stuff to get done in the meantime. I was really glad I'd already showered and put makeup on! After we got our tickets, we went and ate, hit the mall to get some team shirts, and then the drug store so I could get some posterboard to make a sign for Todd.

When we got back to the apartment, the girls started getting ready. Only Tara and I had showered, so she just started putting on makeup while the other 2 showered, and I got to work on my poster. I was completely ready by 5:00. Bethany wasn't dressed, and her hair was still wet, and Summer was putting on fake eyelashes.

Oh GOD. I thought. We're never gonna get out of here.

"Hey guys, we need to leave in like...30 minutes if we're gonna get there by 6." I said.

"The game's not even till 7:30!" Bethany said.

"I know, but if we wanna use our sideline passes, we need to get there early!"

"Well I have to curl my hair." She said flatly.

"Why? It's humid as hell outside!" I pointed out.

"Yea, but if I don't curl it, I'll look like a wet dog." She persisted.

I sighed, "Well how much longer?" I asked.

"Fifteen minutes." She said.

At 6 o'clock on the dot, we still hadn't left. I was fuming by this point. I rushed everyone out the door, and we finally started heading to the stadium. And of course there was traffic on the way, and throngs of people trying to get in, once we got there. We left the guys at the entrance, since we had different seats, and headed into the stadium. We walked straight out onto the field, and it was BREATHTAKING! I mean seriously, I just stood there and gawked. There were soooooooooooooooo many people! I mean literally, like every seat was taken in the stadium! And everyone was screaming, and the atmosphere in there was so charged! It was very contagious.

We walked along the sideline, in search of Todd, and I spotted him pretty quickly, practicing with some of his teammates in the middle of the field. I brought my nice camera and my telephoto lens, and I just started snapping away! I got tons of awesome photos!
When Todd finally turned in our direction, I held up my sign so he'd see us! He immediately came over and gave me a hug.

"Nice sign!" He said.

"Thanks! This is SOOO awesome, I can't even believe it! And you look so..." I couldn't finish my sentence. There he was in his pro-football uniform, with his pads and his helmet... It was surreal. Little Todd from church. Haha. My, how he's grown!

The girls took a picture of us together, and I took one of all of them with Todd too. And before we knew it, we were all being shooed off the field. I knew we should have gotten there earlier! But I was too excited at the time to let anything bother me. Tara had bought a football with the team logo on it, that she wanted to get signed. Her boyfriend's dad is really sick, and all he talks about it Todd's football team. Apparently he's been a fan since their early years. And she was really disappointed that she didn't even get a chance to give it to Todd. But I promised her we'd get it signed, no matter what!

So we headed up to our seats, which were in the end zone. They weren't the best seats in the world, but we could see everything, and hey! They were free! And this was sold out game! Everyone in our section liked my sign, haha! It had Todd's name on it, so they all started to assume I was his girlfriend. And I just let them. Heehee. We drank plenty of beer, took lots of pictures, and cheered and screamed till we lost our voices! And just FYI, Todd plays in every game! I know a lot of people assume that rookies never play, but he plays! And their team won by a landslide!! And the team they were playing is really good! So not everyone was sure they would win. But I was! :) It was so totally amazing!

We met up with guys outside the stadium and started our trek back to the apartment. All the fans pouring out of the stadium were cheering, and high-fiving; it was like everyone was your best friend! Haha. And I marched down the street holding my sign high.
When we got back to the apartment, I put my camera away, grabbed a few things, and then we headed back out. We went to a piano bar and got a table, and I texted Todd, letting him know where we were.

He ended up texting me, and telling me to come meet him at some exclusive player's party. And of course we were all totally down for that! So we went to meet him, and almost the whole team was there! They had this whole bar reserved for just them. Todd came outside to meet us and let us in. It was actually a pretty low key party, kinda quiet, nothing crazy. And the guys were starting to get a little bored, I could tell. They were craving the loud, crazy raucous of the city bars we'd spend the last night in. So I told them to go ahead and go. I really wanted to spend some time with Todd, and catch up, and we promised we'd meet them in a bit. So they all left, except me and Tara. I could tell she was getting a little sick of the drama too. Tara is a lot like me in that respect. We don't like drama, and we're both really laid back and chill. So she and I hung out with Todd, and his personal NFL trainer, Rick. He's an ex player as well. And he was really funny. Very sarcastic with a dry sense of humor. I had a field day with him! He and I bantered the entire cab ride over to meet the group, and Todd was getting a huge kick out of it. Lol.

So we met up with everybody, but Todd, Rick, and I still kind of kept to ourselves. And once again, I was the most sober out of the group, by the end of the night. Well, not counting Todd. He's so huge, it's practically impossible for him to get drunk. Believe me, I've tried. Lol. So Todd came back to the apartment with us, and we both crashed on the floor. His apartment is outside the city, and it would have been kind of a long cab ride, so I told him just to crash with us, and we'd drive him to his parents' hotel in the morning. He and I would have slept in my bed, but he was worried that his (gold-digging) girlfriend would get mad, because he wouldn't lie to her about it, if she asked. Which, I understand. But it's not like I was going to put the moves on him or anything! He's way too virtuous for that! So we slept on the floor, and Ben and Summer took my bed.

We had to get up real early the next morning to start driving. I hugged Todd and thanked him a million times! I still feel like I haven't thanked him enough! I'm definitely gonna do something nice for him, I just haven't figured out what yet. Any ideas, readers?? Tara left ahead of us with Mark, (I have no idea why) and they dropped Todd off on their way out. So it was just me, Bethany and Summer riding with Ben. We slept most of the way. The weather was crap. And by the time we got back, it was late, and I was exhausted.

And since I've been back, I still haven't been able to catch up on my sleep, because my sleep schedule is all fucked up again from staying out every night till 5am for 5 days in a row! Plus, I've been uploading and editing pictures, and I always lose track of time when I'm doing that.

But, despite the drama, I have to say that was one of the best trips EVER! It was so much fun! Next time I go to one of Todd's games though, I'm only taking single people! And probably not 3 girls. I'll probably just take Sophie! Lol. Then I know we won't have any problems.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention! Two things:
1) TB bought a ticket to Houston, despite my warnings. He'll be here next weekend. Is this good or bad? I haven't decided yet. He knows not to expect anything, but...??
2) Cali texted me the very next day after I gave him my number! Annnnd we had our first date last night! But I'm going to have to save that for another post, because this one is already too long!

Have a good weekend everybody!!

Holiday Season Is Coming

I know it's been a few days since I've written. I was in Austin for the weekend, and I've just been insanely busy trying to prepare for the holidays!

The end of last week was a little hard, but I made it through, and everything is fine.

TB has still been calling/texting regularly. And honestly...I just don't know what opinions to form on this situation. I mean I told him, when I first met him, that I'm not looking for any kind of relationship; just fun, and trying to get my life back on track, picking up the pieces, etc. And he seemed to totally get it. I just never expected him to stick around! And yes, obviously, I've been texting him back, because it's been nice just to have somebody to talk to... someone who obviously really wants to talk to me, and get to know me. And it's kind of been a while since I've had that. But now he's talking about making another trip out here! And that makes me really nervous, because I don't want him to expect anything, sexual or otherwise. And I told him that too, but he still wants to come!! So, I guess there's not really anything I can do or say to discourage him, aside from stopping all communication. But I don't want to do that. I like him, he's fun and interesting.

Anyways, Cory just got in town tonight. And we have plans to hang out this week. Possibly even tomorrow! I wonder how that's gonna be... Eh, he's funny and cool, I'm sure it'll be fine.

Tomorrow I have to leave work early to go to the doctor. I have to get blood work done. I'm really nervous, I hate needles! But I've noticed that over the past couple of years, I've lost like 30% of the density of my hair! And it's really making me nervous. Hence, the blood work.

But afterwords, I'm gonna meet Emma for dinner, and then get a mani/pedi. So that will be fun.

Austin was nice. I didn't do any partying, just hung out with Izzie and the baby, did a little shopping, and saw New Moon. I loved it! I mean, as a movie. I thought this adaptation was much better than Twilight. As far as the books go, that's a whole different story, but can I just say that Taylor Lautner is totally a hot piece of ass!? ((sigh)) If only he was older...

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is just around the corner! My parents and Sophie won't be here, but Jenna and Izzie are coming into town! So I'll be at the grandparents' house on Thursday with Jenna, and then a group of us, including Cory, are going out Thursday night! I can't wait!

And then this weekend, me and the girls leave for our trip!!! I can't wait!!

Ok, well it's just about midnight now, so time for bed.

Attention Please!

Ok, well! So many things to address...
After reading all your comments, bad and good, my first conclusion was, "Ok, I'm just gonna stop blogging. I'm sick of feeling like I need to justify my words, and my actions to these people. They don't know me, and they have no right to judge me". And that's the truth!
But, on the other hand, this wouldn't be the first time I've resorted to quitting blogger because of a few rude comments. And I'm really not the type of person to do something like that. And I enjoy blogging! So now, let me just make something clear. When I respond to comments, whether in the form of another comment, or in a post, I write exactly what I would say, if we were having this conversation in person... i.e., "fuck you!"
If that girl (I'm assuming it's a girl, because I really don't think I have any male readers) had told me to my face that I needed to act like an adult, and don't screw this up, etc... I would have straight up said "fuck you" to her face. But then I remembered, that I, unlike that girl, am not a timid person, and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself, and if I've got something to say to somebody, I say it to their face. Unlike the anonymous commenters who have nothing nice to say. So I don't feel my actions were out of line at all. If someone came up to you, and bashed you, and told you you were immature, and wrong in the decisions you made, decisions you felt pretty good about, how would you feel? What would you say to that person? I would hope that you would stand up for yourself. Unfortunately, none of you actually know me, and I don't actually know any of you, so we can't have a face to face conversation.
And as for the comment about me being "too boy crazy" and just moving right on to the next guy, that is not the case at all. I'm not moving right on to the next guy. I'm single! I'm having fun! What would you have me do?? Hole up in my apartment like a shrew?? Not go anywhere, or do anything?? I'm taking it day by day. Catching the curveballs that are thrown my way; sometimes I throw them back, and sometimes I hold onto them for a while. But I'm not trying to make TB my new boyfriend. And yes, I admit it! I'm boy crazy! I'm a straight, young woman, with a healthy sexual appetite! And if I wasn't boy crazy, would half of you even still be reading this blog?? Cuz I think it would probably be pretty boring. So, think what you like, but I know that there is nothing wrong with the decision I made to sleep with TB. I feel good about that decision, and I don't regret it at all. And actually, I have made a new friend! He's still been texting me every day. And yesterday, he even mentioned flying back to Houston again soon, because he had so much fun when he was here!
And as for all my supportive readers, I'm sorry if I don't give you guys props enough for your encouraging comments. I do sometimes mention you in the beginning of my blogs. Sometimes it's just an acknowledgement, but I'll try to pay more attention to you in the blog. Because I do really appreciate you guys! It's nice to know that there are people out there who aren't judging me, or talking shit! I mean, everyone needs a little encouragement from time to time. Everyone likes to hear that they've done something right, once in a while, instead of something wrong. Because people are usually so much quicker to point out your mistakes, than your accomplishments. So here's to my positive feedbackers! You are the ones who keep me blogging! :) REALLY! Because when I start to have second thoughts about continuing to write, the first thing that pops into my mind is my loyal followers! Obviously, I'm doing something right, to keep you guys reading, and I don't want to disappoint you.
But anyways, that's my 2 cents on the comment issues. As for everything else, I'm really excited about my trip to Austin this weekend. Izzie and I have been talking back and forth constantly about our ideas for the agency, and what we're gonna do this weekend (go shopping and see New Moon, just to name a few!). It's gonna be a great little getaway. And then next week is Thanksgiving! Izzie will be here for that too, and she's invited me to spend the holiday with her family, since mine will all be in Florida. :(
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do for Thanksgiving though, because Jenna will be in town, so we may be having dinner at my aunts or grandparents' house. But if not, I'll spend Thanksgiving with Izzie. OH! And Cory's going to be in town as well. He got in touch with me just the other night, and we have plans to grab cocktails Wednesday and/or Thursday night. So that should be fun. Izzie is going to come with us, since her Mom will be able to watch the baby.
It's going to be a great week! I'm excited.
Oh, and tomorrow is Brandon's 27th birthday. I wonder if he'll grow up at all this year...

Keeps Coming Back...

Well I'm all set to go to Austin. I found a dog sitter, and requested off work. So I'm going the weekend before Thanksgiving.
Work is getting a little more interesting. I just got finished calling a long list of people, to inform them that technicians are going to be coming in and updating their systems. Not too exciting, but at least it's time-consuming.
This weekend was horrendous. Seeing Brandon after a week of not seeing him, was heart wrenching. He's back with that stupid slut. The one he told me he didn't care about, and she meant nothing to him, and she was boring, and uninteresting. ((Sigh)) It breaks my heart that he would choose her over me! And after all that bullshit he spat me about wanted to be alone, and concentrate on golf, and work, etc, etc...Total lies. And on top of that, people at work, and my friends, feel the need to tell me, EVERY TIME they see him with her, or any girl. And I guess The Slore is telling people that they're dating. Which of course, he denies, under the pretenses that they've "never even talked about that". I wish I could just stop caring. I feel so weak. So fragile. I'm always on the verge of tears. I cry myself to sleep every night, after laying awake for hours thinking about him. And I know he's not right for me. I know he can't give me what I want! But I still love him. I just wish I didn't. And more than anything, I wish I didn't have to hear about him being with another girl. I wish she didn't come into my bar all the time. I wish I didn't get paranoid every time I see Brandon respond to a text message. ((Sigh))
Why am I so depressed?? It's like I've forgotten how to make myself happy. Everything is just dull. Gray. Empty. I'm tired 24/7, probably because I can't sleep at night. And when I do sleep, I wake up almost every hour. I have nightmares, and weird, unsettling dreams. I'm so sick of being alone. And I don't even mean just relationship-wise. I'm by myself all the time! And I don't even have the energy or the motivation to leave the house when I have free time, because I'm so tired, and I feel so antisocial. And when I am around people, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just sit there and think.
Why her? Why me? What does she have that I don't? Why am I even comparing myself to her? Why can't I just get over it already? Why is it that nothing seems to make me happy anymore??
In the past year, my hair has lost about 30% of it's density. I'M LOSING MY HAIR! I had a full-on mental breakdown Saturday night because of it. When I was washing my hair, there were like 8 full strands in my hands afterwards. I called my mom crying, and she suggested I call in from work. But I couldn't cuz I need the money. Now I wish I would have because Brandon and I got in a fight that night. He got mad cuz I asked him to face his one dollar bills, and he said I was singling him out and trying to make him look bad. ((Sigh)) I told him he was over analyzing and being too defensive and mean. Let's just say, the argument didn't really get us anywhere.
Sunday, I got so mad, I told him to stay out of my life. Because he's selfish and I'm sick of him rubbing it in my face that he has a new chick.
To which he responded, "I can't help what other people say. I'm not doing anything wrong!"
And I told him to shove it because he doesn't give a shit about me, or anyone, but himself. Then he said he was deleting my number.
I ended up texting him later that I was sorry, and I didn't mean all those things, I just need some time, and I hope he understands.
He said he understands, but I don't think he does! I think he thinks I'm crazy, and he doesn't get why I'm so upset over him. I'm just another obsessive ex-girlfriend. He doesn't get it, because he never felt what I do. And that hurts too.
I need help. I'm drowning. I can't deal with this anymore. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, this just keeps coming back to haunt me.

Guess Who's Coming To Town?

Wow, I can't believe it's already October! And it's also my first weekend night off since I started the new job. So I definitely have plans to hit the town tonight!

Last Sunday, me, Summer, Bethany, Tara (bartender from my new job) and the boys went out on the boat again. It was a blast as always. This Sunday will be our last trip out before Mark retires the boat for the season. :( Sad day... But I'm looking forward to it! I didn't get to wakeboard last week, cuz Ben fell and landed on my ankle while we were on the boat, and I ended up limping for 2 days after that. So obviously, there was no way I was gonna strap my foot into a wakeboard boot. But I'm looking forward to giving it my best shot this Sunday.

So here's some interesting news... Emma is moving back to Houston. This week. From Europe. On the one hand, I'm glad, cuz you know, I never get to see her, but on the other hand, it seems like she and I get along best when we don't live near each other. And she always gets pissy and pouty if I don't invite here everywhere with me, and frankly, it's really annoying. Not only that, but she expects me to let her stay with me until she finds a place to stay. And I am soooo not okay with that. I like living alone. And I don't really like the idea of someone intruding on my space. But she's kind of giving me a guilt trip about it. And it's not like she doesn't have a place to stay, she just doesn't wanna go to her step dads house, cuz they don't really get alone. ((Sigh)) So we'll see what happens.

Todd is coming home next weekend! I'm gonna try to get Friday off so we can go out. Jenna's gonna be in town too! So it should be a good night. Assuming, I can get off work.

Me, Summer, Tara and Bethany have been planning a trip to go to one of Todd's games in about a month. I'm really excited because he's gonna stay in town there for an extra day so we can all hang out. He even offered to pay for our hotel room! It's gonna be so much fun! We need to buy our plane tickets soon though!

Well, I've got a piano lesson in like 20 minutes, so I better go. I'll let you guys know if anything exciting happens tonight. And I really hope it does!!!

Nothing New

((Sigh))
It's been 4 weeks.
Since we broke up.
Last Wednesday, I went into work, and put in my 2 weeks. I was completely honest. Told him about the blowout between Brandon and I and that I just...thought it was best if I removed myself from the situation. And Mr. S. was really cool about it.
Until Thursday, when he called me and said the management thought it was "best if we parted ways now" and not to bother coming in for my 2 weeks, cuz they already got my shifts covered. Something about a conflict of interest...
Obviously, I was devastated. Spent another 2 days balling my eyes out.
Then on Saturday, I went to Austin.
I guess I was hoping things would still be what I'd hoped for. Fun, excitement, distraction, escape... Maybe a cute boy to kiss.
But it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I had fun! And it was good to get away. But there were no cute boys to kiss. And no distractions. At least not any to get me over this hump.
And now I'm back. And nothing has changed. My life is exactly the way I left it.
And I don't feel any better about it.

And you know what, I can't help that I'm hung up on Brandon! It's not like I'm enjoying this! It's not like I chose this! But I was in love with him. I hate to admit it, but I still am.
How do you just go from spending all your time with someone, being best friends, being in love, to just...nothing?
Nothing.
I want nothing more than to be able to move on, and stop thinking about him.
((Sigh))
I try so hard.
I just can't.

It Is What It Is

Today was actually not bad at all! I had to get up earlier than I would have liked, to make it to my waxing appointment. And that, was obviously not fun, but much needed. Afterwards, I ran some errands, and then Taryn texted me and invited me out for happy hour. Since it was only 5, I figured, why not? I wasn't supposed to be at work till 9. So I met up with her and 2 of her very tall, very attractive male friends and we had a couple drinks. Then we went to a Mexican restaurant for some grub.
I had a margarita with a Chamborde floater. Mmmm....
When I got to work, I was slightly buzzed, and in a good mood! And we were actually kind of busy!
OH! And Law School is back from visiting his parents up north. So he came in today. It was nice to see him. And we even talked about Austin next weekend! He and Mitchell* are thinking about joining Shane and I for a float down the river on Labor Day!!

*Note:* I introduced Law School to Mitchell one night right after Law School moved here, and now they're friends and they hang out all the time. Weird, huh?

So all night at work, I couldn't stop thinking about how much fun that would be! We could all 4 split a hotel room, or we could crash at Shane's, if it's cool with her, and it would just be a total blast! Tug was working with me tonight, and I mentioned it to him. He says if Bethany wants, they might come too! I'm so excited! Even if it ends up being just me and Shane, I'm sure we'll pull some tail, just us girls, and still have an amazing time!

Tomorrow I've got a piano lesson, and then I'm going to get a long overdue pedicure! I work at 10pm, and Brandon will be there already when I get there. ((Sigh))
But I'm going to try and pull some strings and see if I can't get transferred over to another one of our bars... Usually they're not very accommodating about that, but lately they've been making some changes, so we'll see...
All in all, today was a good day. I only cried about Brandon once, and I think I might actually get to fall asleep without crying again! I know it sounds pathetic but...it is what it is.

Spontaneous Trippage

Since I've been back, I've been doing a lot of partying with my coworkers. And it's been awesome! And Tuesday it was somebody's birthday, so naturally, all of us were out. Including Brandon and I.
In the midst of all our partying, Cameryn, one of my managers, asked us if we wanted to go to Austin tomorrow. All the managers had been invited to some huge party, hosted by Dos Equis, and hotel rooms were already paid for, etc. Brandon was hesitant at first, but I talked him into it.
So Wednesday afternoon, Brandon, me and Sheila, another one of my coworkers, all headed out to Austin together. By the time we got there, it was like 7:30, and Mr. P, Cameryn, DJ, Mark, Ali, Blinn, and The Albanian were ready and waiting for us. So we jumped in the van, and we were off! The castle where the party was being held was about an hour and a half outside of Austin. So we stopped and picked up some beers on the way (don't worry, we were being chauffeured). By the time we got there, it was about 9:30, because we had to make several stops for bathroom breaks. Lol. This place was literally out in the middle of nowhere, and there were cars everywhere. And cops, and buses, and people walking around in the middle of the street... It was complete chaos!! The cops were trying to shut down the party, and weren't letting anyone else pass. All of us were pissed, but especially DJ, cuz he had friends in there or something. But we just figured, what the hell! We're in Austin, let's head back and hit downtown. So we left.
Once we got back into Austin, the van dropped us off at the bar of Mr. P.'s choosing, and we got started on the shots. I seriously don't think I spent a penny all night, between Mr. P. and Blinn buying us all rounds. Brandon, Mark and I smoked a little reefer too, so we were startin' to feel pretty good! After about an hour, we headed to 5th Street, and planted ourselves in another bar. We took more shots, danced, and just had an amazing time! It was so much fun! And I've never gotten to see Brandon dance before, so it was pretty hot.
Me and Brandon, Sheila and Mark were sharing a hotel room , so when we got back to the hotel, we all went in the bathroom and smoked some more. Lol. Mark is the biggest pothead ever. Blinn and The Albanian stopped by our room, and Blinn was wildly drunk. He took a handful of Brandon's weed and ate it!! ]
He kept saying "This tastes like sourdough!" Lol. I took pictures.
This morning, I was surprisingly not hungover, but I was exhausted, and my memory was a little fuzzy. I just kept thinking what a whirlwind adventure that was, and how much fun we had. Oh, and I kept thinking how Mark has now seen me in my underwear. ((Sigh)) Oh well.

Ok, now I wanna update you all on the new girl at work that I hate. Her name is Kate, and she just turned 20, and she constantly is throwing herself at Brandon. That's the first reason why I don't like her. The second reason, is because the first shift I worked with her was her first paid shift. And all she kept asking at the end of the night was how much money she could expect to make, and how she made $350 every Friday at her last job, and blablabla... I just wanted to smack her.
So I flat out told her, "Yea, you're not gonna make that here. You're never gonna get the shifts that make that money, because those shifts go to the people with seniority. And right now, you're at the bottom of the totem pole. So don't expect to make that."
Then she went on about how she's so used to being a big fish in a little pond, pulled out a wad of cash, and said, "See this is how much money I made at my other job last night!"
I pointedly did not look. What a stupid bitch.
If you like your other job so much, why the fuck are you working here??
Ugh... So then, Greg said something about me and Brandon, and she immediately turns to look at me and goes, "You and Brandon are together??"
"Yea." I said flatly.
"Oh... Well how long has that been going on??" She asked.
Bitch! It doesn't matter if it's been going on 2 seconds, cuz you still don't have a chance, now back the fuck off!
That was what I wanted to say.
But Greg interjected for me. "Like nine years!" He said, laughing.
I laughed it off too, but I could tell she wasn't happy about it.
Did I mention she wears crop tops, cut off shorts and dark pink old lady lipstick?? WTF??

UGH!! This girl just totally rubs me the wrong way.
And I'm not the only one. Bethany and Alyssa don't like her either, and I've heard from about 4 others that she's not their favorite person. So we'll see how long she lasts, what with everyone disliking her and all. Haha. At least she's under 21, and she won't be at the boat party this Monday. It's gonna be so much fun, I can't wait!!!

Well, I'm about to go to work now. Brandon's picking me up :), so I gotta go!

The Dallas Disaster

I ended up having to close Friday night, which was great money-wise, but it also meant I only got 3 hours of sleep before I had to wake up and go pick up Melissa. We made it to Dallas in really good time actually. There was no traffic, and I was speeding most of the way. So we met up with Todd's family first and then went to the tailgate. We ate so much food, it was ridiculous! Finally it was time for the game. We got to watch Todd warm up with his snapper (the guy that throws the ball to him when he kicks). It was awesome! They ended up losing the game, but Todd did really well, and they definitely put up a fight. Seeing him play was amazing. I mean he's so graceful! Lol.

Afterwards, Todd's family left, and we waited for him outside the locker room. There were 2 agents waiting to talk to him as well. A lot of people have been looking at him lately, since it's his senior year. I wonder which NFL team he'll play for.... Anyways, when he finished talking to everyone, he came over said hi, and gave me a hug, and we then we followed him back to his house.

Melissa and I got ready as fast as we could, but by the time we left, it was already 1am. I mean the game didn't end till about 11, and then we had to wait for Todd, so we were already off to a late start. We ended up at some bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not in downtown, which was a little disappointing, because I was hoping to barhop. But we wouldn't have had time anyway... So we took as many shots as we could cram into the hour we had left. Todd, always the responsible one, was driving, so he only had one. The whole time we were there I kept having arguments with myself in my head.

How do I act? Do I flirt? How do I even flirt with him?? Would he even notice?

((sigh)) So I just tried to stay near him at all times. His friends were nice for the most part. All of them were football players, and he introduced me to so many people I couldn't even begin to hope I'd remember all their names. One guy in particular, was extraordinarily obnoxious. I mean Todd warned me that he was "crazy" but I had no idea that meant he would be mentally unstable, socially retarded and chemically imbalanced! First, he grabbed my ass, then he went for my crotch! I mean, standing right in front of me, he goes, "I'm gonna grab your crotch!" and sure enough, he went for it!! Naturally, I slapped his hand away and told him playfully, but seriously, that if he touched me again, I'd punch him in his throat. Todd stepped between us at that point. And he's so huge, he could probably separate 2 mountains if he wanted to. I mean literally, he's 6'6" and in really good shape! It's so weird, cuz I remember when we were in high school, and he was a scrawny 5 feet tall with a squeaky voice. ((sigh)) Those were the days... Anyways, after that, his weird friend walked away.

When the bar closed, we all piled back into Todd's BMW and headed over to a house party. The place was pretty crowded when we got there, and everybody was already pretty loaded. I mean they'd all been drinking since the game ended! There were 3 beer pong tables set up in their garage, and all the boys were in there playing. And of course, when you get a whole football team of twenty-something guys together with beer pong, they're gonna be loud and rowdy.

And this is when things started to get shitty.

Let's do some background real quick. Melissa turned 25 this year. She's 6 months older than I am. And all she ever talks about when in the presence of younger people, is her age. Maybe it's cuz she's short. Maybe it's cuz she still lives at home and doesn't work. Maybe it's cuz she's still going to school. I don't know! But she always feels the need to assert herself by telling people that she's 25, as if it's some kind of exclusive club she just entered. As if anyone cares! And she says it with this air of snotty authority...it's stupid! Every time she does it, I roll my eyes.

"Omg I am so old! I'm twenty-five!"

Ugh.

So as soon as we walk into this party, she starts saying shit about how she can't believe she's at this "college party" with all these "little boys", etc. etc...

About 15 minutes after we get there, someone knocks on the door. One of the players' mom answers it, and it's a disgruntled neighbor, threatening to call the cops if we don't all quiet down. Well since this Mom was the only adult (and I'm not using that term loosely, because technically we were all adults) at the party, she started walking around telling underage drinkers that they should probably head home.

Well Melissa goes up and talks to The Mom and of course, tells her that she's 25, and that she'll help her clear out the minors. So we all go into the garage, where Todd is playing beer pong with 3 other guys. The Mom is yelling for everyone to quiet down, and none of the guys are listening, if they can even hear her over all their noise. One guy in particular, a fat boy with shaggy hair, who was playing beer pong against Todd, is yelling especially loudly. So Melissa starts yelling at him to shut the fuck up and listen to The Mom.

Well the fat kid, in his drunken stupor, doesn't like this and yells at Melissa to shut the fuck up. Then she yells back that he needs to be quiet and listen to The Mom and show some respect.

"Do you fucking live here!?" He screamed, "Fuck you bitch! Do you fucking live here???"

She called him a fat fuck, he called her a whore and a bitch, it went on for about a minute.

Todd and I were just standing there shell-shocked. I mean all I could think was, Omg is this really happening!?

"I wanna leave. Can we please leave now? I don't wanna be here anymore." Melissa says to Todd.

I could tell he didn't wanna go, I mean we'd only been there for about 20 minutes. But since he's Todd, he said of course we could leave. And Melissa immediately walks off. I chased after her through the crowd and out the front door.

"Why are you going outside? It's freezing! We have to wait for Todd." I said.

"Because! I don't wanna be here anymore!" Melissa snapped.

I sighed as she reached Todd's car.

"Ok well don't try to open the door, you might set the alarm off."

"I'm not gonna open the fucking door Peyton, I'm not a retard!"
"Why are you yelling at me!? I'm not the one you're mad at, don't take this out on me!" I said firmly.

"I really don't wanna hear from you right now Peyton! I've already heard enough."

"Well why did you have to say anything to him!? That whole situation could have been avoided if you hadn't started yelling at him to shut the fuck up!" I was starting to lose my cool by this point.

"I don't wanna fucking hear it Peyton! That guy was a fucking dick! He had no right to talk to me like that!" There was a definite bitchy edge to her voice that was raising the hairs on my neck.

"I know that, I'm just saying, none of that would have happened if you hadn't instigated it!"

"Just shutup!" She yelled.

"WHY does drama have to follow me wherever I go!?" I said halfway to myself.

"Oh WHATever! You think you're so much better than everyone! You act like you don't have any drama! But you do! You have just as much as me so you have no room to talk-"

"FINE! Fine." I cut her off.

Todd's roommate, Brendan, approached and we were both silent. He apologized profusely for the fat guy and told us he was ashamed of his friend's actions. I told him not to worry about it, it wasn't his fault, etc...

Todd finally got to the car; he had to say goodbye to some people. When we got in the car, I apologized to Melissa for snapping at her, but she didn't say anything. She just sat in the back seat sniffling. Todd felt so bad about what happened, it was so sweet. ((sigh)) He kept trying to cheer her up, but she just kept shaking her head and saying she didn't care about "that stupid boy". So we went back to Todd's and Melissa went straight upstairs and to bed. A few of Todd's friends came over and they played more beer pong. There were 3 girls there too. I started getting really sleepy, so I sat down on the couch behind the beer pong table to watch. After their game Todd came and sat down. Then one of the girls came over and sat down on the other side of him.
Darn!

The next thing I knew, his arm was around her. My stomach plummeted. And there I was sitting there next to them. How pathetic. I was shocked at how upset this made me. I mean obviously Todd was interested in this girl. So...had he even stopped to consider me in that way?? Maybe he never will... Maybe I'll always just be his "best friend". ((sigh))

"I'm gonna go to bed." I announced.

"Ok!" Todd smiled. "Goodnight Peyton."

The entire night had been a disaster. I trudged up the stairs to Todd's room where Melissa and I were sleeping. She was fast asleep. I went into his humongous bathroom and shut the door so the light wouldn't wake her up. I started to take my makeup off and suddenly I just...started to cry. I don't really know why it all hit me at once like that, but it did. I backed into Todd's closet and shut the door so that I could have a good cry and get it out of my system.

It's like I've been single for so long, and wasting so much time with all these stupid asshole guys, that nobody takes me seriously anymore. Everyone just thinks I'm out to have fun, and I'm just all about the scene and that's it. But I'm not. That's not me. And if anyone should know that, it's Todd. But he can't seem to see me in a romantic light. ((sigh))

He's so...perfect...it's like...I don't know what to do! We've been friends since we were kids. He introduces me as his best friend. But...we have a really deep-rooted friendship, and isn't that the best foundation for a successful relationship? And he really knows me, I mean really knows me. And we understand each other so well, and we have the same ideals, and I have so much respect for him, he's the nicest guy I know! It literally kills me to just let him go. But...I've already told him before that it's crossed my mind, and he's only been single for about 4 weeks, and I don't wanna overwhelm him. But I also don't wanna pass up this opportunity, because who knows when I'll get this chance again! Maybe he just doesn't know how I feel, or maybe...I dunno. I just don't know!

I told Sophie all about it. She thinks I should wait till the next time he's in town and ask him out on a date. She says I'll have to make the first move, because he's never been good about that. I mean, he was set up with his last girlfriend, and he's only ever had 2 serious relationships. But I know he won't be back in Houston for at least 4 weeks, because he has 4 more games. And 4 weeks is a long time to wait!!

So I've been toying with the idea of writing to him. Like an email or something. But I have no idea what to say, or even how to begin.

((Sigh))

TDH stood me up again on Friday. He didn't even call!

Tonight he texted me, "Hey!"

I said, "Don't bother."

"Figured...I'm sorry, late" was his response.

What a dick.

I'm so through with these guys.

I'm just done.

P.S. This is my hair, and believe it or not, it's brown!

So here I am
Looking pretty for you
They come and go
No one else here will do
So I'm dancing alone
Dreaming solo
'Cause your love's the one worth waiting for
It's just like heaven

Escape To Austin

I tried as hard as I could to discourage him from coming with me. I mean, my plan was to stay with Izzie. She had already told me once that my dog and I would always be welcome to stay with her, but I wasn't so sure about me and Oliver, plus 2... ((sigh))
He said I could drop him off at his sisters "on the way" "maybe", but to begin with, her place was definitely not on the way. In fact, it was so out of the way, that I definitely didn't want to take him there, and secondly, she didn't answer his phone calls, so that was out.
I explained the situation to Izzie, and Shane. Both were sympathetic and Izzie said we could still stay. So we hit the road by 5:30. Traffic was very light, because of the recent catastrophe, so we made decent time. Not including the 2 stops we had to make because his dog puked all over my backseat. Three times.
I was furious.
((sigh))

Once we got into Austin, he made me stop at a Target so he could buy some clothes and a razor. And of course, I had to wait in the car with the dogs. All this time Izzie and Shane kept calling me, asking me where we were, because they needed to leave to make an appearance at a party, and couldn't leave until I'd gotten there. So I kept telling Rusty to hurry, but he never hurries. Then I had to take the dogs out to pee, and his stupid dog kept yanking on the leash and tangling us all up. It was awful. He took 45 fucking minutes in that store getting one shirt and a razor!

By the time we got to Izzie and her husband's apartment, I was so frustrated, but all I could do was give Izzie and Shane huge hugs and meaningful looks. But they understood.
Rusty hardly spoke to anyone, other than to introduce himself.

Anyways, since it was a Saturday, of course we were gonna go owntown. Izzie and Shane had already left for the party, and the plan was for Rusty and I to get ready, and then we'd all meet up on 6th. So he showered first, and took a million years I might add.
"What took you so long?" I asked when he finally got out.
"I had to shave!" He protested.
Seriously!?!? Us girls have to shave practically our entire bodies and it never takes me that long!
So I showered as fast as I could, dried my hair, put on my makeup, got dressed and curled my hair all in an hour. When I emerged from the bathroom, I was completely ready, and looking like a million bucks! ;)
"Ok, let's go!" I announced.
"What?? I'm not even ready!"
"What do you mean you're not ready!? What have you been doing all this time??"
"Well I needed the bathroom! I have to straighten my hair!"
I couldn't even respond to that one.
"Hurry up." I said through gritted teeth.

I waited another 30 minutes. Izzie and Shane were texting me again, asking what was taking so long. By the time we got to 6th, it was midnight! So I immediately began drinking. For one, I needed to take the edge off, and second, I needed to make up for lost time.
I did end up having a lot of fun. It was so great to spend some time with Izzie and Shane. Rusty didn't talk much. Surprise surprise. He was pretty much antisocial the whole night. I tried to include him in conversation and loosen him up. But he wasn't having any of it. Oh well. I had a nice buzz going by the end of the night, and we all headed back to Izzie's.

It just so happened that the A/C in Shane's house was out, so she and her dog were staying at Izzie's too. Her husband had pulled out the couch bed and made up a pallet on the floor for us while we were gone. Rusty boldly assumed that he would be sleeping on the bed, and pitched a huge fit when Shane informed him that she and I would be sleeping there. He crawled under the covers of his makeshift sleeping bag and put a pillow over his head! How old is he?! Twelve?! Ugh.
Then, of course, his dog kept running around and trying to jump on our bed. Shane was really pissed about that.

"You better keep your dog over there, because if she jumps up here while I'm sleeping and wakes me up, I'm gonna get really pissed." She said.

He called her back over to him, and I couldn't help but feel a little smug about it. I mean finally
someone besides me was telling him to take care of his damn dog!

The next morning, I woke to the sound of Izzie's husband ranting that Rusty's dog was "shitting all over the porch" and that somebody needed to "get up and take care of the damn dogs!"
I immediately jumped out of bed to help him.
Rusty continued to lay there.
WTF!?!?
I couldn't believe he could be so inconsiderate and disrespectful! I mean Izzie and her husband don't know him! They don't even like him! They didn't have to let us come stay, and they sure as hell shouldn't have to take care of any more dogs!
That was when I decided I was gonna have to cut the trip short. I just felt horrible putting them out like that, and I didn't want to inflict Rusty (or his dog) on them for another night. I told Izzie we were gonna leave early. She agreed it was probably for the best, because she didn't want to end up fighting with her husband.
Then we watched a movie, just the girls, while Rusty left to make long phone calls. But I was enjoying the time without him! We started calling it RFMs. Rusty Free Moments. Lol. It became like an inside joke.

After the movie, we all showered and went out to lunch, and then Rusty and I hit the road.
I had to stop at a gas station on the way out. Rusty went inside to get something while I was pumping gas. When I got back in the car, he was sitting there with a 40 oz can of beer!!

"What the hell are you doing!? You can't drink that in my car! What is wrong with you!?"
He blubbered something incoherent.
"Oh my god you are such an idiot..." I muttered under my breath. He still heard.

That was the last straw. After all the paranoia and all the shit he talks about my driving, and occasional speeding, because he doesn't want me to get pulled over, because he has warrants, etc etc... And he wanted to drink a BEER in my car!!!!
I snatched it from him and dumped it out.

"Fine. I'll just sit here and not say anything and not do anything so that I don't piss you off. Because apparently I can't do anything right." He huffed at me.
"How very mature of you."

We didn't speak the entire drive back to Houston.

The Hurricane

Note: Thanks everyone for your comments of concern, and subsequent relief! Thank the Lord that my family and I are all ok. We're still without power over here, which really sucks, but Oliver and I have a warm bed and food, so I guess I can't really complain, right? Anyways, I'm still at Bethany's, but everyone's in bed now, so I snuck over to the computer to type for you all. Here is part one of my adventure! Enjoy!


Ok, let's start with the Thursday. The day before the hurricane.
Rusty did end up texting me back, like...45 minutes later! He said he was thinking about taking me up on my offer. I made him sweat it a while and didn't immediately respond. Then he sent me another text that said, "I hope you still want me to come over..." and before I could even hit send on my response, he was calling me.
I kept our conversation short. I told him I'd come and get him after work, but that I couldn't chat cuz I needed to finish getting ready for work. Work was alright; we got pretty busy towards the end of the night since nobody had to work the next day, in lieu of the storm. So afterwards, I went and got him. And his dog. Ugh... He has a 5 month old half dalmatian, and she's absolutely a hellion. Not to mention the fact that she's poorly trained, and rarely disciplined. But whatever. She and Oliver get along pretty well, and I wasn't about to tell him to leave his dog! That would be horrible.
So we got back to my apartment pretty late, and we talked a little. He asked why I'd been ignoring his texts/calls, and I told him. Straight up. I said I was fed up with his ungrateful attitude, and I was tired of driving so far out of my way for him, and I felt unappreciated, etc. Oh, and the fact that his casual drug use causes him to call me at 4 in the morning doesn't help either. I basically told him he needed to grow up. He pouted a little, and apologized, but I think I already knew in my mind that that was it for him. I mean, he's not going to change! And it was kind of nice actually, because it was as if, in those 4 days of not talking to him, I got over it! And that's pretty quick for me! I'm impressed with myself. I mean just the initial attraction was gone. The dangerous, he'shotcuzhe'samusician thing wasn't doin' it for me anymore. Because I realized, I want something more!
But, since I already had him at my apartment, for at least a couple days, I figured I'd roll with it and just have fun, and then... And then that would be that. The End.

So, Day Zero. The day of the hurricane.
We woke up really late, did a little last minute shopping, you know, liquor store, drug store, etc... When we got back to my apartment, we were stocked and ready for the hurricane! We watched a little TV, made out a little, smoked a little pot, goofed off some... I begged him to play me a song, but he wouldn't. Of course. You'd think after all the stuff I've done for him, he'd at least oblige by playing me a song! ((sigh))
Anyways, then we decided to go swimming. I can't remember who's idea it was, but I just got this new waterproof camera, and I've been dying to try it! So we changed into our suits and headed out to the pool. Only to find that it had been padlocked. Foiled again! Grr...
But some helpful neighbors on the overhanging pool patio told us not to get discouraged! They had already jumped the fence once. Haha! So we decided to go for it, and they ended up joining us!
It was actually really fun! I got to know some of my neighbors finally, and we all got nice and boozed up, swam around, and had fun! I mixed shots for us all, and we watched the high winds come in until finally we all decided to call it a night.
When Rusty and I went back inside, I took a shower immediately. I figured I should take advantage of the power while we still had it. Then we tried to watch some TV, but ended up making out...and other things, instead. Finally we passed out.
Only to be woken by loud banging and whooshing noises about an hour later! My windows were rattling, and I could hear things banging around outside. We kept watching out the window, but there wasn't really much to see other than swaying trees and the parking lot. So we turned the TV back on to the news. Then the power shut off.
I lit candles and we retreated back to my room. The dogs were driving us crazy by this point. Rusty's dog was really nervous and kept jumping up on the bed and scratching me. Ugh... I tried to go to sleep, but Rusty kept getting up to look out the window (at nothing, I might add, since everything was pitch dark outside too!) and then banging into things and knocking things off my shelves, which in turn, would startle me awake. This happened about 4 times throughout the morning. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well, if at all. Not to mention it was really hot by this time since we had no A/C. ((sigh))
At one point, the storm quieted and we thought it was over, but it must have just been the eye (which had a 49 mile radius!) passing over us, because it came back even stronger. I called my dad at 4 am to ask him how they were doing, because I was so worried. Apparently they'd lost power way before we did, and were at the neighbor's, who had a generator. I asked my dad about my window too, because I was really starting to worry that it might shatter. But he told me it was probably just the frame, not the glass. And he ended up being right. My dad is so smart! :)
I tried to go to sleep again after that. Rusty and/or his dog woke me up a couple more times though, and by the time the sun woke me up, I was reallllllly cranky. And of course, Rusty was passed out comfortably.
I got up and found several doggie presents, which I then proceeded to clean up, only to discover the toilet wasn't flushing. No water pressure. Great. And I really had to pee too. And it was so unbearably hot! How could he just sleep like that??? I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed my keys.
"Hey!", I shook him, "I'm going out. I have to find a working bathroom."
He just groaned and didn't move.
As soon as I got outside I took a long look at the damage. Branches and debris everywhere. The large canopies by the pool knocked over... I could go on. Luckily my car was fine. Mostly everyone's car in my complex was. But still, no power anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I drove around for a half hour trying to find a place that would just be open so that I could their toilet! But no such luck. There were street lights dangling from their cords in the middle of intersections. Large plastic store signs shattered, with pieces of colored plastic blown across the street. Trees the size of ones you'd find in Middle Earth fallen on top of roofs. Windows broken in high rises. Leaves and branches and trees just...everywhere! Blocking entire lanes of traffic! And of course, none of the street lights were working. ((sigh))
It was absolutely catastrophic.

I went back to my apartment, and peed in the toilet anyway. I couldn't hold it anymore.
Then I noticed a large pee stain...ON MY FUCKING BED!

"What the hell?!" I exclaimed.
Rusty didn't even move.
"HELLO!? Your dog fucking pissed on my bed!"
"Huh?", he rolled over, "You don't know that."
"Yes. I do. Oliver has never had any accidents in my bed. He holds it till morning."
"So? It coulda been him. You don't know it was her. Besides, I was laying right here, I would have noticed. And she wouldn't do that right in front of me..." He was obviously in complete denial.
"YOU WERE ASLEEP! And she obviously did! Because Oliver can't jump up on my bed by himself, I have to put him up there. It was her. And now I'm the one cleaning it up. Just great...."

I was fuming. How could he just lay there in bed and let me clean up after his dog who just pissed in my bed?! He didn't even apologize!! I went to the kitchen and made myself a peanut butter sandwich. Then I stomped around the house for a while, grumbling to myself.

"Why are you yellin' at me? Why are you being so grumpy??" Rusty asked in a petulant voice.
"Because. Because it's hot. And I hardly got any sleep with you waking me up every 20 minutes. And then I wake up and I can't even pee. And there's piss and shit all over my new apartment, which I cleaned up, and then! To top it all off, your fucking dog pisses in my fucking bed. Excuse me for being a little irritated!" I snapped.

Then I grabbed my suitcase out of the closet. I started packing.

"What are you doing?" Rusty asked, finally sitting up.
"Packing."
"For what?"
"I just...I have to get out of here." I huffed.
"Well...where??"
"We're going to Austin."

New Orleans

I can't remember the last time I was this exhausted. My whole body aches. Ugh...
Friday night was pretty busy, and I didn't get home till around 4, which gave me only 3 hours to sleep before I had to drive to the airport. I already had everything packed, not just for New Orleans, but for the party Sunday too.
So when 7 am came, I just got out of bed and left.
The flight was too short to take a nap, and I had just drank a RockStar energy drink, so I was tired, but unable to close my eyes. My dad picked me up at the airport and we drove over to my grandparents' house. I haven't been there since before Hurricane Katrina. It's weird how everything looks the same, but different. Not because of the hurricane, just because I have all these distant childhood memories of that place, ya know? And my memories don't really match up to what I saw. Everything just looked so...small! There's this house about 2 doors down from them, and Sophie and I used to think it was this big haunted mansion. Lol. But really it's just a larger than average suburban house. Maybe 5 bedrooms. ((sigh)) It still looks kind of creepy though.
Anyways, Sophie and Brent had driven straight through the night from Florida to get there, so when we arrived, they were upstairs sleeping. Which was exactly what I was intending to do, but I just couldn't seem to escape the family and the excitement and get some shuteye. So I gave up and played with my cousin, Lily. My Aunts Jessica, Josie and Suzanne were already there.
After an hour of visiting, my mom and the aunts headed over to the church to set things up for Poppa and Grandma's 50th Wedding Anniversary party. I went with my Dad, Uncles and cousins to the French Quarter where our hotel was.
Then me and my dad, Noelle, Maddox, Macie, Uncle David, Jonah, Lexi and Savanna and their future step father, BC, (and my future uncle!) all decided to walk a couple blocks down the street for lunch. We ate at this authentic cajun place. It was really good! And of course, we goofed off and played games at the table. The "adults" and Maddox were sitting at a different table, than me and the teenagers. We played this game where you open a bunch of sugar packets, as many as there are people playing, and you dump one of them out, and fill it with salt. Then everybody picks a packet, and you all dump them in your mouth at the same time and try to guess which person got the salt. Lol. But if you get the salt, you have to try not to make a face! Haha, so juvenile, I know. But it was fun.
After lunch we headed back to the hotel to get ready for mass, the vow renewal ceremony, and then the party. Everyone met at the church. I finally got to say hi to Sophie and Brent, and my Uncle Dan, who I hadn't seen yet. Uncle Dan recently had a stroke, about 4 months ago, which left him pretty much helpless for 3 weeks. So my mom and Aunts had to take turns staying with him and helping him out. He in the middle of a law suit now with the hospital, because he went to the hospital 3 times with symptoms and they misdiagnosed him every time! Anyways, he has a slight limp now, but he's still in high spirits.
The ceremony was nice and touching, and party was fun and relaxing. By this time, my lack of sleep was really starting to catch up to me. Finally we headed back to the hotel and we all went swimming. Then I got into a superfun fight with my mom, about the dog again. I don't know why she always feels the need to bring the same shit up and nag me about it, every time I talk to her! I mean I was having a good time, I was in a good mood, and then she tells me that if I get a dog (which I already have, she just doesn't know about it. He's getting here Wednesday!), then she's gonna "get rid of" Benny. Benny is my childhood dog, who lives at home with Sophie's dog. They're best friends! They can't be separated! Plus, Mom and I never once discussed me taking Benny, or her getting rid of him when I decided to move up. She's only bringing it up now, because I wanna get a puppy, and she doesn't want me to. That's what it all boils down to. It's ridiculous. ((sigh)) I'm still mad at my mother about this too. Even my dad agrees that she can never just...let things be. She always has to stir things up! URRRGH!!!
So now it's the end of the night, and not only am I exhausted, but I'm pissed. Me, Noelle, Jonah, Lexi and Savanna walked down to the Cafe du Monde to get some beignets. I wanted to get some fresh air, and clear my head, and not think about my mother.
Afterwards, I finally went to bed. And I slept like a rock. Until I had to get up 5 hours later and hop on another plane. ((sigh))
And that is a story for another blog.

The Tank Is Almost on 'E'

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight to New Orleans. It's my grandparents' 50th Wedding Anniversary and the entire immediate family is going to NOLA for the weekend for a mini family reunion. Then Sunday morning, bright and early, I'm on the first flight back to Houston because we're having our summer staff outing. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but Tuaca is hosting the party; we've got a double-decker boat on the lake, with a slide, caterers, and free alcohol all day! It's gonna be so much fun!! Everyone at work is really pumped about it.
Things in the boy department have been kinda slow. My guy from Austin, J, did text me again on Monday. He was at the airport and wanted my myspace info so we could still talk while he's in Germany, since obviously he won't be able to use his phone. I'm still being very cautious about everything though, and I'm not letting myself get my hopes up.
Rusty texted me this past Sunday as well, and wanted me to go see his show. Our conversation went something like this:
Rusty: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: I just got home from a movie. What's up?
Rusty: I'm playing a show tonight, you should come.
Me: Oh really? Where at?
Rusty: It's called _______, it's in Clear Lake.
Me: Yea I know where that is, but that's kind of a long drive...
Rusty: Where are you coming from, midtown?
Me: About 5 minutes from there
Rusty: That's only like 30 minutes
Me: True, but still a long drive
Rusty: But it'll be worth it
Me: Well, if you really wanna see me, you're just gonna have to call me one of these days ;)
Rusty: I will too

And that was that. I haven't heard from him since. I haven't heard from The Psycho either. Which is not only surprising, but a relief!

Oh! The Model is in town. And I'm doing a really good job of not thinking about him! In fact, I almost forgot to write about him! I saw him and Mitchell last Friday at my bar, of course. I gave them a round of shots and served their drinks. But they didn't even say goodbye to me, and I haven't seen or heard from them since then. And I'm very proud to say I'm not hurt, or upset, or really anything! Maybe I'm finally getting over The Model. I mean, I can't hope for too much, but that sure would be nice.

My Mom went to her doctor's appointment last week, and they found out that the lump in her breast is not a cyst. Cysts are often mistaken as cancer, so that would be the most obvious thing it could be. But since it's not that, it's either a fibroid, or cancer. And usually only old people get fibroids. ((sigh)) She has a mammogram next week, and possibly a biopsy. So I'm praying for her, and trying as hard as I can to be nice and supportive and all that. It's just that the relationship between my mother and I is complicated. I mean we get along for the most part, and of course I love my mom, but I can only stand her in small doses! It's like she is the only person who has the power to get under my skin in 5 minutes flat. And she thinks I've been stressed out lately, but really, I only get that way around her! We got into a fight last week about my dog. Obviously, she doesn't want me to get one. But I don't think I can stand the silence of this apartment for very much longer. And lucky me, because Oliver will be here next week!! NEXT WEEK!!! (Don't worry, I'll post lots of pix!)
Anyways, it's like Jenna said, parents always think they can tell you what to do, and that you have to listen, no matter how old you are. But I'm living alone now, and supporting myself, and I don't have to answer to anyone! What is so hard to understand about that?! This really is the last thing I should be thinking about right now. ((huff))
Moving on...
Alyssa and I sort of got into it the other day. On Monday, she came over to see my apartment, finally, and then I went with her to campus to take care of some school stuff. We hadn't hung out in a while, and I had talked to her about how I was feeling. And she agreed that she needed to be more present and make more of an effort in our friendship. Hence, hanging out on Monday. So anyways, we were having fun, talking and catching up, etc. Well, at some point, the conversation came to cheating boyfriends. And I was telling her about the different guys I've dated who have cheated on me. And of course, Daniel's name came up, in passing. Since, he did cheat on me! And Alyssa scoffs, "You and Daniel were only together for like a second! You weren't even like...boyfriend/girlfriend!"
"Yes we were!" I argued.
"Well, that's not what he said." She retorted.
I was about to say something back, but her phone rang, and she answered it. So instead, I was just sitting there thinking about how rude that was, and how pissed off I was.
I mean, who says that?! Even if it wasn't her brother we were talking about, you just don't say something like that to your friend! It's insensitive!
I decided to let it go, for the time being, but I found myself thinking about it again later, and I decided to text her.
"Do you really believe what Daniel said? I mean do you really believe we weren't together?"
She didn't respond, and I kind of forgot about it. That same night, I decided to drive to the North Side to stay with my Aunt and cousins for a couple days. I had 2 nights off, and I just wanted to get away. And I love hanging out with my cousins. They're so carefree and fun-loving. I went to work with my Aunt on Tuesday morning, and got a text back from Alyssa then.
"Peyton, don't be that girl."
"What girl? What are you talking about?"
"Don't sulk over Daniel. Don't be that girl who's all sad about it because it didn't work out." She said.
"I'm not sulking. Really. This isn't even about Daniel. I just feel like you're blowing the whole thing off like it's nothing. And it definitely was something. I mean I was with him 24/7, I practically lived at his apt! And he really, really hurt me. So it may seem like nothing to you, but it was definitely something to me."
"Well you just have to understand that I don't wanna hear about my brother and his relationships! I'm tired of the girls he dates affecting the relationship I have with him."
"I know that. And I don't think I've tried to talk to you about him. Not when we were dating, not when we broke up, or even now, really."
"Ok."
"It just kind of sucks that I feel like I can't say anything to you."
"Well, it's not just you Peyton. Or any of the more recent girls. This has been going on since he started dating! All his girlfriends feel the need to tell me about their problems! And I just don't want anything to do with it."
"Well I don't wanna talk to you, or anyone about Daniel. It's over. And I have nothing to say about it."
My Aunt noticed me texting, and told me to get to work, so before Alyssa could respond, I said, "I'm at work now. I can't text anymore."
She never wrote back.
I'm just really...hurt and kind of annoyed that she makes all of this stuff out to be about me and Daniel, when it's not! It's about me and her!
Alyssa and I haven't spoken since then. I mean, I stayed at my Aunt's for 2 days, and went straight to work when I came back. So I haven't had a lot of time to see or talk to anyone, but...this is not resolved, by any means. And I'm tired of having these disagreements with her. I just want it to be done with! I just want her to see things from my perspective, and know when she's hurting my feelings. There's no way she could comprehend the depth of hurt I was feeling when Daniel and I broke up. Because I didn't tell her. I didn't talk to her about it at all, because I knew she wouldn't want me to. and I do understand! He's her brother. She loves him. But that doesn't give her the right to assume that it meant nothing.
I wish she could just look at this from a nonbiased p.o.v. and realize that no matter who it is that breaks my heart, I just want my friends to be there to catch me when I fall. Not judge me. Not say "I told you so". Not belittle me, or make light of the situation. Just empathize.
Is that too much to ask?

I have a date on Monday with a guy (JD) I met on that dating website. We still haven't met in person, and it's been a month since I canceled my membership, but I've been so busy with moving and everything, that we're only just now getting to meet. He's tall, and really cute, and he has a motorcycle (hot!!), but again, not getting my hopes up. He friended me on myspace and the impression I got of him there, is that he's a really big flirt. And I'm not sure how well that's gonna go over. But who knows! At least he's actually taking me out on a real date! Maybe he'll be the man of my dreams and we'll fall madly in love while staring into each other's eyes over plates of pasta and glasses of wine and then we'll ride off into the sunset, on his motorcycle, and live happily ever after.
LMAO.