The Arch Nemesis

Sorry I haven't written in a while, it's been a crazy couple of weeks... But it is November now, and the worst is ALMOST over.
So BJ never ended up coming. Something happened with his job, and he was reassigned to a new area, or some shit... I don't really know, it doesn't quite make sense to me, but his trip has been postponed to who knows when. And since then he's sort of just stopped talking to me, so I give up. I doubt it would have worked out anyway. If he comes to Chicago, we'll go from there, but otherwise it's no sweat off my back.
So this upcoming weekend, a bunch of my old coworkers/friends from Houston are coming up to Chicago for the Texans vs. Bears game. And I took next Saturday night off so that I could see everybody. JC might be crashing with me again, Ali is coming with her boyfriend, and Sheila and a whole bunch of people from my old bar. Unfortunately, I just found out that this also includes my arch nemesis. She apparently just invited herself along, last minute! Because of course, no one would actually invite her to come. She is that person that even if you don't invite her, and don't tell her where everybody is going to be, she is just always there anyway! I looked back to see if I've ever blogged about her before and I couldn't seem to find her. So maybe I've just never called her by name, but her name is LIZZIE. Yes, that is her real name. And she is like fucking Voldemort. I seriously hate her. If I could get away with setting someone on fire, it would be her. She is a slutty, man-stealing, selfish, self-centered, dirty, slorefaced biotch. And she is a horrible person. And nobody likes her. She is one of those girls that has NO girlfriends, because nobody can trust her around their boyfriend. And because she is a horrible person. Ugh I JUST FUCKING HATE HER!! And she's coming here! And now I'm expected to like hang out with her?! FUCK THAT!! I really do not want to see her AT ALL.
I don't want memories of her in this city. This wonderfully clean-slated, innocuous city. I don't want to be thinking about how she was constantly flirting with Brandon at work, in front of me, when we were together, or how she hooked up with him a bunch of times, and probably still is along with the rest of the state of Texas. I don't want to think about her ugly, rat-like face, her nappy ass hair extensions, or her overly large vagina. I just...@#$)*(@Q#$&^(@#*OB$&CO!@#V&!!! I HATE HER!!
So now what do I do??
I told JC and Ali and Sheila that I do not want to be in the same room as her. And Ali hates her too, so she and I agreed that we would try to do our own thing. But Sheila and JC think everything will just be fine, and I should just let it go, because "it was a long time ago". When a bitch fucks with your relationship, and then sleeps with your boyfriend right after you guys break up and then has the audacity to look at you in a way that says, "haha I got him to dump you and now we're fucking, I WIN" you don't forget something like that very easily. It doesn't matter if it happened 10 years ago, or 10 minutes ago. FUCK.THAT.BITCH.
I mean I don't hate very many people. I don't! I think I'm a pretty easy-going person, and I'm easy to get along with, and I mostly like everyone. But there are certain things that are just unforgivable, and what she did is one of them. Not to mention, I'm not the only girl she's done it to. Yea, Bethany's friend Amy. Super sweet girl, sooooo nice, it's impossible to not like her. She and her boyfriend worked together at this bar. Amy was a bartender and her boyfriend was a doorguy. Well Lizzie just started showing up there, alone, and pulling up a stool next to Amy's boyfriend and flirting with him for his entire shift. Amy told her boyfriend she thought it was weird, and that she wasn't comfortable with Lizzie coming into the bar, so then Lizzie started coming in and sitting down at the bar, right in front of Amy, just to spite her. With that stupid smug look on her face. And then of course Lizzie ended up sleeping with Amy's boyfriend, and (duh!) Amy found out and was heart-broken. And right after that happened, Lizzie came to work at my old bar, with me and Brandon.
I really don't think I'm capable of being "The Bigger Person" if I have to be around her. Especially not if I'm drinking. I know I just need to stay away from her, but I don't know if that is going to be possible next weekend. Because I swear, if she tries to talk to me, let alone come near me, I will not be responsible for my actions.

In other news, hooked up with Matt again last night and it was awesome! Afterwards we just laid there and talked about stuff for like an hour. I was hoping he might actually stay the night, but he didn't. ((Sigh)) Is it possible to transition from booty call to dating? Cuz I think he and I might actually...work. We have a lot in common. I dunno, maybe I'm just getting too sentimental. Well whatever, at least I can have sex when I want it. I should just be happy with that, right? Right???

Cloud 9

The last couple days I've been on Cloud 9!
Except for Friday. I worked at the bar that night, and it was really slow. And Brandon had the night off because it was his slore's birthday. And of course, they showed up. Ugh. I also found out that she is his GIRLFRIEND; he's actually in a relationship with this nasty piece of white trash, and for some reason it really upset me. I mean, all that bullshit he spat to me about not being able to balance a relationship, and GOLF, and the fact that he NEVER took off work for my birthday... At my birthday party, he was a total ass!! ((sigh))
Whatever. I don't know why it even bothers me, but having to look at her stupid, pasty white, ugly, squishy face, just makes something erupt inside of me and I just wanna set her on fire! One other strange thing happened Friday. Rusty was there. His band was playing. And I haven't seen him since...well since I dropped him off after the big hurricane over a year ago. He dyed his hair black, wears wayyy too much eyeliner and he looks completely emaciated. Probably from the drugs. Who knows, but he looks like a total emo freak! And he came up to me during their set break and was hitting on me! Telling me how he moved, and he has a new bedroom, with a 60 inch TV and nobody to watch movies with. Ugh...
When we were counting tips at the end of the night, he actually walked to the back and asked me to come over and watch a movie with him!! In front of everyone! I had to laugh, I was so incredulous. He still doesn't have a car, or a phone!! Some things never change... He even texted me at 7:30 am from some yahoo messaging program, wanting to talk! I was asleep, and didn't get the message till the next morning, but needless to say, I didn't write him back.

Anyways, Saturday was MUCH better. Bethany and I finally got together for lunch. It was really great. We talked about everything. Her breakup, Miami, Todd, her new love interest... And I realized how much I've actually missed her. I guess I just needed a break from all the drama. But I love Bethany, I always will, and I'm glad to have her back. :)

Work was awesome on Saturday night, too. First off, it was totally slammed! Secondly, Todd came in to see me, with a group of his friends, and finally, Brandon was there to witness it all. ((Evil grin))
I bought Todd a bottle of champagne, since I know how much he likes it now. Haha! He stood over on my end of the bar, and hung out with me. We took shots together, and it was just really fun! But then I got sent to the back bar, cuz their computer went down, and I got stuck back there for the rest of the night. But Todd came back there to say bye to me at the end of the night, and we ended up making really good money too.
Since I had promised Todd I'd go to church on Sunday, if he went, (for old time's sake!) I literally got 2.5 hours of sleep Saturday night! I got home at 5:30am that night, since we'd been so busy, and we had to do inventory. Then I had to get up at 8 to shower, get ready and drive all the way down to the south side of town, where our church is.
Todd's family and mine sat together, just like we always used to. It was really nice. I felt so...happy! I can't even explain it. As tired as I was, I was really glad to be there. It just felt right. Todd sat on one side of me, and his mom sat on my other side, so that she could chat with my mom. During the offering, she leaned over and asked me if Todd and I wanted to get lunch after church. Of course we both agreed.
But when church ended, it literally took us 30 minutes to get out of there because of all the people bombarding Todd in the narthex! It was crazy! But we finally made it out, and headed to our favorite Mexican restaurant, which is conveniently situated between both of our parents' neighborhoods.
I went to my parents house for a bit afterwards and my mom told me, that Todd's mom told her, that everyone at church was asking if Todd and I are dating.

"And she smiled a little bit too when she said it, like...??" My mom said.

I rolled my eyes. "Ok mom, you've made your point."

"Well I just think maybe you and Todd should get together! And I think his mom thinks so too." She pressed.

"Ok well, Todd's mom just loves fixing people up! It's like her hobby!"

"Yea, but I know she loves you, and you and Todd get along so well, and you make him laugh, and you guys have fun together, why not??"

I sighed. "I don't know, Mom." I said.

I didn't feel like explaining all the complications to her. She doesn't know for sure how I really feel about Todd, but I'm pretty sure she suspects.

When I finally got home around 6:30, I got in bed with Jasper, watched a couple episodes of Glee on DVD and then crashed. I'm still really tired though, and I'm not too sure when I'll get caught back up on my sleep. Todd is headed to Dallas today to start house hunting. But he'll be back this weekend, for the joint Birthday/Superbowl party on Saturday. Lucky for me, I'm off work at the bar that night, so I'll be there! I'm working on a really awesome present for Todd too. His birthday is the 2nd week in March. Cookoff is this week too. I have a feel the next 2 weeks are gonna be pretty awesome and I can't wait!

It Just Happens.

I had one of those awful dreams again. It was my maternal grandfather this time. Commonly known to me and the other grandkids as Poppa. Usually when I have dreams about friends or family members dying, I wake up and they always seem so...implausible. But this one was different. Poppa is old, and showing the early stages of Alzheimer's. I woke up crying, I don't know what time it was. It didn't even feel as if I'd been sleeping very long, because I fell asleep crying too. Friday was the anniversary of Oliver's death. I didn't realize it till I got home from work that day. I wasn't really paying attention to the date, But as soon as I realized it was the 8th...I knew. That got me thinking about how it happened, the mental image in my head of Brandon carrying my limp, lifeless puppy across the feeder road, where he laid him in a dense patch of trees. His eternal resting place. I just kept thinking that I would have never made it through that without Brandon. And that is one of the fondest memories I have of him.
And then I started thinking, what if something happened to Jasper? I just couldn't go on if I had to go through that again. Especially alone. My train of thought went on and on like this all weekend, but my biggest concern became, What would happen to Jasper, if something happened to me? And the only answer I was satisfied with was, Brandon will have to take him. Because I know Brandon loves him, and would take good care of him, and Jasper would be happy with him.
So Friday night I planned on talking to Brandon about it at work. But...things didn't really work out that way. His slore showed up at the bar, got hammered, and was still sitting there, with her head on her arms, after hours, waiting for him, while we were counting money. Why the fuck does she have to be at my bar!?? Why couldn't she just leave with her stupid friends?? I wanted to set her on fire. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to work with Brandon, look at him and wonder how you can go from being best friends with someone, to not speaking to them at all. And then she shows up, encroaching on my territory. ((sigh))
I walked back into the office to change out some big bills and Brandon was back there, talking to Mark.
"Hey, your slutwhore's out there waiting for you." I said, before I could stop myself. All my emotions - sadness about what day it was, the fact that it had never even occured to Brandon what day it was, seeing that stupid whitetrash slutface cheapfuck harlot of a girlfriend of his - everything just bubbled up to the surface. Deep down, I was seething.
"She's not a slutwhore." He said.
"Um, YEA, she is." I said.
"Easy, sweety!" Greg said, but I could tell he really just wanted to laugh.
After that, I went about my business as if the heated exchange between Brandon and I had never happened. But I went home upset, and disappointed. I didn't get to ask him about Jasper, and I knew I still had to. But part of me wanted to just say "Forget it! Someone else will take Jasper." And maybe I'm being a little over-the-top about my dog, but he's like my child. And I really do just want what's best for him, even if that is Brandon.

The next night at work, Brandon wasn't there. When I walked in it was kind of like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, not having to see him. I asked Greg if he thought I should apologize to Brandon for what I said about The Slore.
He laughed and said firmly, "NO! No, you should not."
I felt instantly better.
But then, at 1am, Brandon showed up. He'd been working at the new bar (jealous! SO not fair that he gets to pick up shifts over there when he SUCKS!!!!), and he came strolling in all pompous-like with that stupid uniform on. They have to wear ties. Apparently someone called him over, because it was so busy.
Greg was like, "Dude take off that fucking tie, you look like a retard!"
Brandon blundered on about not having time or something, but we both knew he thought he looked cool. What a dumbass.
Then Brandon proceeded to piss me off for the rest of the night! When the bar closed, he disappeared somewhere while everyone else was cleaning. Then when he came back, he sat his ass down and started counting tips! It is an unspoken rule that no one counts tips until all the cleaning is done. It's only fair.
So I walked back and said in my calmest, most collected, nonchalant voice, "Hey Brandon, could you come up here and help us? We're not done up front."
"Well I already did everything back here!" He said, which was a lie, because he didn't even work the back bar. Aaron did, and Aaron did most of the cleaning, and he was up front helping us!
"Ok, well Aaron is up here helping us." I said.
"Well I'm just counting tips cuz [blablabla excuses]"
I was running out of patience.
"Ok fine. Just stay back there then, don't worry about it." I said, with an obvious inflection that it was not fine.
Looking back on the situation, it's almost amusing, the great lengths he goes to to avoid me, but still. That's fucking ridiculous. Do your fucking job and we won't have any problems. G's...
So Saturday night, I went home pissed off.

And Sunday was my day of reflection. I replayed the entire weekend, and that whole horrible day in my mind. January 8th, 2009. And I thought about the integral part that Brandon played, and how he'd been there when I got Jasper, and how much he loves him. ((Sigh))
That's it, I told myself, and I picked up the phone and dialed Brandon's number.
No answer. ((Sigh))
Text message: Hey, call me when you get a chance. I have to ask you something.
Then I finally got in bed. And cried. Cried about Oliver, cried about Brandon, cried about...just everything. I don't wanna die alone. Then I fell into a horrible dream about my grandpa dying, and I woke up again, sobbing. But Jasper was snuggled up against my back, and just his warm body was enough to calm me down. I fell back asleep pretty quickly and didn't dream again.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that I had a missed call from Brandon at 12:44am. I'm going to call him back when I get off work. I wonder what he'll say. Will he try to talk to me? Will it be super awkward? Or will it be easier to talk without the influence of work surrounding us? I don't know what to expect. But I'm not gonna try to talk to him about anything, just Jasper. I started making a living will today. It's pretty basic. I mean...most of my stuff, I don't care where it ends up, but there are sentimental things that I would like to see fall into the appropriate hands. I also included usernames and passwords for email accounts and stuff. Including this blog. So...if I ever die, hopefully you guys will find out about it. It won't be like I'll just stop posting one day out of the blue.
I'm going to send the living will to Sophie, when I finish it. Most of my stuff is going to her anyway. I'll be glad when I'm finished with it, because I feel like a black cloud has been looming over me. Thinking about death is not pleasant, but sometimes, it needs to be done. Nobody plans death, it just...happens.

Keeps Coming Back...

Well I'm all set to go to Austin. I found a dog sitter, and requested off work. So I'm going the weekend before Thanksgiving.
Work is getting a little more interesting. I just got finished calling a long list of people, to inform them that technicians are going to be coming in and updating their systems. Not too exciting, but at least it's time-consuming.
This weekend was horrendous. Seeing Brandon after a week of not seeing him, was heart wrenching. He's back with that stupid slut. The one he told me he didn't care about, and she meant nothing to him, and she was boring, and uninteresting. ((Sigh)) It breaks my heart that he would choose her over me! And after all that bullshit he spat me about wanted to be alone, and concentrate on golf, and work, etc, etc...Total lies. And on top of that, people at work, and my friends, feel the need to tell me, EVERY TIME they see him with her, or any girl. And I guess The Slore is telling people that they're dating. Which of course, he denies, under the pretenses that they've "never even talked about that". I wish I could just stop caring. I feel so weak. So fragile. I'm always on the verge of tears. I cry myself to sleep every night, after laying awake for hours thinking about him. And I know he's not right for me. I know he can't give me what I want! But I still love him. I just wish I didn't. And more than anything, I wish I didn't have to hear about him being with another girl. I wish she didn't come into my bar all the time. I wish I didn't get paranoid every time I see Brandon respond to a text message. ((Sigh))
Why am I so depressed?? It's like I've forgotten how to make myself happy. Everything is just dull. Gray. Empty. I'm tired 24/7, probably because I can't sleep at night. And when I do sleep, I wake up almost every hour. I have nightmares, and weird, unsettling dreams. I'm so sick of being alone. And I don't even mean just relationship-wise. I'm by myself all the time! And I don't even have the energy or the motivation to leave the house when I have free time, because I'm so tired, and I feel so antisocial. And when I am around people, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just sit there and think.
Why her? Why me? What does she have that I don't? Why am I even comparing myself to her? Why can't I just get over it already? Why is it that nothing seems to make me happy anymore??
In the past year, my hair has lost about 30% of it's density. I'M LOSING MY HAIR! I had a full-on mental breakdown Saturday night because of it. When I was washing my hair, there were like 8 full strands in my hands afterwards. I called my mom crying, and she suggested I call in from work. But I couldn't cuz I need the money. Now I wish I would have because Brandon and I got in a fight that night. He got mad cuz I asked him to face his one dollar bills, and he said I was singling him out and trying to make him look bad. ((Sigh)) I told him he was over analyzing and being too defensive and mean. Let's just say, the argument didn't really get us anywhere.
Sunday, I got so mad, I told him to stay out of my life. Because he's selfish and I'm sick of him rubbing it in my face that he has a new chick.
To which he responded, "I can't help what other people say. I'm not doing anything wrong!"
And I told him to shove it because he doesn't give a shit about me, or anyone, but himself. Then he said he was deleting my number.
I ended up texting him later that I was sorry, and I didn't mean all those things, I just need some time, and I hope he understands.
He said he understands, but I don't think he does! I think he thinks I'm crazy, and he doesn't get why I'm so upset over him. I'm just another obsessive ex-girlfriend. He doesn't get it, because he never felt what I do. And that hurts too.
I need help. I'm drowning. I can't deal with this anymore. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, this just keeps coming back to haunt me.

Fresh Start

We talked. I laid out everything for him. I asked him if he was still considering getting back together.

He said yes.

So I told him that I wanted to take it really slow and get to know each other better as friends, because I can't trust him with my heart right now. And I told him I'd be willing to put the past behind me, and forgive him, if and only if, he would completely stop talking to those 2 girls. And he said ok.

Simple as that.

"Ok."

I almost can't believe he agreed to it so readily.

Bethany says that means he cares a lot more about me than them. I guess she's right.

I asked him about the girls. I didn't tell him I went through his phone, but I asked him about them. What his relationship was with them. He said he spent some time with them, got to know them and "they're nobody". Those were his exact words.

"They're nobody."

((Sigh))

So. Here we go.

I realized that I really don't know how to be Brandon's friend. But I want to learn. And I want him to learn how to be mine.

After our conversation, Brandon said he needed to go, had errands to run, etc. But then he stayed another 20 minutes. Said he had to go again...stayed another 20 minutes. It was obvious that he didn't want to leave. But I had errands to run too, so we both left at the same time. He gave me a hug goodbye and that was it.

As for everything else...I like to think that I'm starting fresh.

And on that note, let me just lay down the law here for a second.

When I write this blog, I'm writing for brain clarity, reflection, venting, enjoyment...lots of reasons. But keep in mind, these are MY THOUGHTS. And obviously, they're not always pure, or right, and obviously not everyone is going to agree with them. And feel free to disagree! But don't judge. No one has that right.

Because when this blog stops being enjoyable, I'll stop writing.

The Right Thing To Do

I slept all day for the past 2 days. I didn't eat, or leave the house, except to go to work. I would wake up from time to time, let the dog out, feed him, and then just go back to bed. Because when I was wake, I was being haunted by my thoughts. And sleep was the only peaceful thing I could do to pass the time.

Today, I got up at 5:30 to start getting ready for work, and as soon as I got out of the shower, I had a text message from Brandon.

"Just wanted to say hi!"

"Really. Tell your slore I said what's up." I responded, sardonically.

"I'm at my sister's place." He said, "Summer says hi."

I didn't respond.

"Anyways, ok I guess I will leave u alone." He wrote.

"Don't say that. I was hoping you could tell me about your latest sexual conquest." I wrote back. I couldn't help myself.

"Well lets see, I woke up, with nobody next to me, went to the gym and came over to my sister's place to drop off something! Now I'm talking to you. That's my day." He said.

"Hmmm sounds nice. Last night, I went home with a 45 year old man. Aside from his beer gut and hairy back, the sex was GREAT!"

I couldn't contain my bitter sarcasm anymore at this point. Obviously I did NOT go home with a 45 year old last night, I just...wanted to prove a point.

"Well that's great to know!!" He said.

"Isn't it though?? Gosh, this is definitely the beginning of a great friendship! I can already tell!!"

"I'm trying to be your friend, but you're not letting me."

"Friendship requires respect. Maybe you should try looking at the situation from my POV. I mean, who are you trying to fool, Brandon? You don't really want to be my friend."

"I'm not trying to fool anybody! And I do want to be your friend." He argued.

"Well I don't know what I want. I'm scared of you." I said.

"You should not be scared of me, Peyton! I'm not a monster!"

"Really? Then what are you?"

"I'm Brandon."

"And that's exactly why I'm scared of you."

"I'm sorry!"

"Shouldn't you be worried that your new slore won't like you talking to me anyways?"

"No, I'm not worried about that. She's not my girlfriend. Slores, or whores don't care about that crap!"

"Right. What was I thinking? And here I thought you had more self respect than that."

"I do!"

"Then how could you jump into bed with some slut when we've only been broken up for like 6 weeks? How could you do that? How could you just forget about me so quickly."

"I never forgot about you. And the way things went with us, I figured you were long gone!"

"Long gone?? Like it even would've made a difference!"

"I think it would have, but since I said all those things to you...I figured I messed up too much!"

"So what are you saying?? That you would have wanted to get back together??"

"Yea, I have given it some thought but I did a lot of damage to you."

"What do you think this is a game??? Why would you say those things if you didn't mean them, and if you meant what you said, then why would you want to be with someone you had so little respect for?"

"I respected you, I'm not taking back what I said, you just took my words the wrong way!"

"((Sigh)) Well now I need to know what tense we're speaking in, Brandon. How do you feel NOW."

He didn't respond for like 5 minutes. Then finally:

"I have to work right now. I will talk with you later."

I didn't respond. But when I got to work, Summer told me she asked him if he would get back together with me, and he said yea, but he doesn't think I'll ever forgive him. Or something along those lines.

((Sigh))

My head is reeling. I don't even know how to process all this information. And I don't know when this conversation of ours is going to take place, and I have NO idea what I'm going to say, or what he's going to say.... What if he does wanna get back together? Should I??? I mean, I know I want to. I'm still in love with him. I always have been. But...I can't bear to be put through this again. It's slowly killing me. And I mean...he slept with someone else!! I can't easily forget about that! I'm doing everything in my power right now to not find out who she is and put her on TheDirty! And I dunno if he's right for me, I just...don't know!

All I know is, I love him, and I miss him terribly, and I've been really unhappy since we broke up. But he's the reason I'm unhappy! And I can't just forget about everything that happened!

UGh....

I already know what you all are going to say. Don't get back together with him. He's done this too many times, he'll just do it again. I know, I know, I know! Because logic is already telling me all those things. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do the right thing. Especially when I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is.

Can't Move Forward

I saw him last night. I went home, and I cried. It was pouring down rain. REalllly hard. Then he texted me. Said it was "good to see me" even though I "want nothing to do with him".

We ended up talking on the phone. Till like 6:30am. He said he wants to be friends. And that he still cares about me. He told me he's sorry for everything he said to me that hurt my feelings. Oh, and he's fucking some new girl. And he doesn't want to get back together. He made sure to tell me that wasn't the purpose of his phone call.

I cried myself to sleep. Woke up around 2pm. Cried some more. Went back to sleep. I finally got up at 7pm. Figure I should start getting ready for work soon. I don't wanna be around anyone. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I don't wanna see anyone. I just wanna stay in bed. Forever.

Sunday... ((Sigh))

It's Sunday. Normally I would be out with Bethany and/or Misty, and some other coworkers, eating and drinking the night away. Last week, Brandon and I went out to dinner and a movie.
((Sigh))
Today, I'm sitting in my living room, in the dark, watching CSI reruns. I've had a headache for 3 days now. It never goes away.

I've noticed that everyone seems keen on me going for Law School. But let's get something straight. He's a great guy and all, and I'm not denying that I've thought about it before but...
1) I'm SO not ready to even start thinking about other guys.
2) Law School and I are just friends. And I'm pretty sure I want it to stay that way.

I just don't....find myself being sexually attracted to him, or thinking of him as anything but a friend. I have missed him though, since the breakup. He's out of town for 2 weeks, visiting family. I could sure use his advice and optimism right about now.

Melissa texts me every day to see how I'm doing. I know she's just trying to help, but she just makes me feel worse. She keeps saying things like, "I saw how he was flirting with those girls at the bar, you're better off!"
I mean, why would I wanna know that anyone, other than myself, had noticed Brandon flirting with girls at work?
Maybe she's just trying to make me hate him, I dunno. I wish I could hate him.
I wish I could eat. I wish I could sleep. I wish I could get rid of this headache...