Girls Weekend: Part I

Alright I want to apologize in advance for this post, because it's going to be really negative. I'm not having the best day. I just quit my subscription to online dating a month early, because I just can't take it anymore! I hate it! Worst idea I ever had!! I had another really horrible date, with some pathetic loser who takes himself wayyyyy too seriously. He's in finance but is pursuing "acting" (said in the voice of Jenna Maroney). Give me a fucking break... Not to mention, he practically held me hostage for FOUR HOURS!! I have never wanted to leave a restaurant so badly. Ugh. So that's it. I quit! I am never going to meet someone in Chicago because frankly, the percentage of attractive guys here is uncommonly low, I'm talking like...6%. And the portion of guys within that percentage that are single is probably 1%. SO FML. I should just move back to Houston. Sometimes I literally sit and think about all the hot guys I just tossed aside because of some trivial flaw I found, and it makes me sick. What is wrong with me?!? I just want somebody to be with. And I don't think it makes me shallow if I prefer that he not be morbidly obese or covered in warts!! ((Sigh)) I know I am being very dramatic right now, but I need to vent.

Anyway, now let me tell you about my disaster weekend with the girls. Yes, that's right, it was a Grade A disaster. Bethany got here Wednesday afternoon. I took the train to the airport and met her in baggage claim. We were all excited and happy and the world is at our fingertips, yay!! Lol. So that night, I took her to my favorite restaurant which is now only 3 doors down. We get drinks and order appetizers and the whole time, she is texting her lame ass boyfriend. Finally I said something to her about it and she was like, "Sorry! It's just everyone wanted to know I made it here safe." So I let it slide...
Then we're trying to figure out what to do that night, because Bethany wants to do something Chicago-y. I had tried to get us tickets to a really popular show at the improv theater, but it was sold out. And then it hit me! The puppet show! (Improv puppet show at aforementioned improv theater)
Bethany says, "Whaaaat? No. I am not doing that."
"Dude, trust me. It's hilarious, and you'll love it."
And she did! HA!
Then we decided to go out for a couple drinks afterwards. I didn't want to stay out late, because I had my housewarming/birthday party the next day, and I knew we were going to be partying pretty hard the whole weekend, but some annoying guys were flirting with Bethany, and because she was enjoying the attention, she wanted to stay. So we did.
Bright and early the next morning, Carrie calls, her plane just landed. Bethany and I are still in bed. So I text Carrie the directions on how to take the train and what stop to get off at, etc, and I tell her I'll meet her at the train stop by my house. Bethany refuses to get out of bed. So I go get Carrie, and she's all smiles because this is her first trip to Chicago. So I take the girls to the lake. We lay out and relax, it's nice outside, and we're getting sun. The lake is still too cold to swim in though. So after a couple hours, we're all hungry and ready to get going. By this time, Bethany is starting to get a little tired, and...mopey. For lack of a better word. She hardly talks at all while we're at the restaurant and she complains about her panini, because it's "not what she was expecting it to be". So I ask her if something is wrong, because she seems to be acting weird and she says she's just tired. So I suggest she takes a nap while Carrie and I get ready for the party.
So we get back to my place (which looks GREAT by the way, and I couldn't be happier about that), and Bethany showers and gets in my bed. Carrie and I are making snacks, cleaning, and just you know, getting ready for the party. Of course during this time, we both have to shower, so obviously we have to go in my room. Well Bethany starts getting all pissy, cuz we're going in there while she's sleeping.
These are some of the things she said:

"OH MY GOD every time I finally fall asleep, one of you opens that door!"

Loud, obnoxious sighs and huffing.

"I swear to god, the next time one of you comes in here, I'm gonna punch you in the face."

"REALLY??"

Finally I was so fucking irritated with her, that I just didn't even wanna go in my own bedroom, which I realize now is completely ridiculous because she was being a total bitch. But I was looking forward to the party, and didn't want to get into it with her, because clearly she was cranky and needed a nap. Ugh.

Well the party went off without a hitch! It was a lot of fun, all my friends came, and we all got appropriately drunk and silly. It couldn't have gone more smoothly. Not to mention, everyone showed up with something, so now my fridge is stocked with enough beer and liquor to last me till the end of the summer. Lol.


Friday:
Bethany has taken up residence in my bedroom, forcing Carrie to sleep on the couch, even though I suggested they take turns. But I wasn't about to get in the middle of it. Well, on Tuesday, which is the day before Bethany got here, I discovered that I do not have central air in my apartment. I have a thermostat control thing on the wall, so I assumed I had AC, but apparently it's just for the heat. I just never realized it till Tuesday because the weather had been so nice so I hadn't needed to turn it on. Well a heat wave came through, of course, just in time for my friends coming and my party. And I didn't have $200 set aside to buy a window unit, and knowing the weather here, I figured it would just be a hot day or two, and we could ride it out. Well, Friday morning, I'm woken up to the sounds of Bethany bitching because it's so hot. She complains until I stand up on my bed and turn the fan up higher. Then I lay back down to sleep for at least another hour.
Then the fan starts making a clicking noise and Bethany says, "Um, I don't think I can deal with that."
So I say, "Well then you can fix it." And I roll over and go back to sleep. Or at least, I try. It was pretty hot in there. Bethany sighs audibly and stands up to turn the fan back down. Finally Carrie wakes up so we all get up. Bethany wants to go shopping, because she has to buy her boyfriend Cubs gear, blablabla annoying crap about her boyfriend blabla, I wanna go shopping blabla. Carrie and I don't really wanna go shopping, but we agree, because at least it gets us out of the house and doing something. So we shop. All. Goddamn. Day. I took them downtown because Carrie wanted to see the city, as she's never been here before. And I took them to the Hancock building, and up to the 96th floor, etc. And then Bethany wants to go in the Watertower mall, and shop some more. She chose only the most expensive boutiques, and Carrie and I were literally just sitting in benches waiting for her to try on outfit after outfit. It was like we were her handmaidens or something. And god knows how much money she spent... But Carrie and I get along really well and we're both goofy so we just entertained ourselves by being silly in between Bethany's appearances, "Do you think this skirt is long enough?"

Other quoteable Bethany quotes from the day:

"OMG I was looking through this rack of clothes for my size and this girl just came up right next to me and started looking through the same clothes! And I was like, 'Uh that's ok, I wasn't looking at that or anything!'"

"Do we have to walk there?"

"WHY is that chick staring at me!? WTF is her problem!? The people here are REALLY WEIRD."

"Why is it so cold?!"

"Why is it so hot?!"

"When you say it's close, like does that mean actually close??"


Finally, after a long day of walking, and shopping, and sightseeing, we head back to my side of town, exhausted and starving. So we decide to just do a nice relaxing dinner, and then maybe a nightcap if we're up to it. Because we're all too tired to do another crazy night of drinking. So I ask where they wanna eat, and Bethany says, "I want Italian!" So I suggest this place Abbie and I went to for brunch once. It's a great little restaurant. But Bethany insists on texting Carissa to ask her if she knows of any good places. Carissa suggested some place I'd never heard of, but I assured Bethany that the restaurant I suggested is awesome! So we end up going there, and surprisingly, Bethany loves it. Carrie and I suggest ordering a bottle of red wine, but no. Bethany only drinks white. So we get a bottle anyway just for the two of us. Hehe. Then Carissa comes, because Bethany invited her, and they spend the next hour talking amongst themselves and it's basically like just Carrie and I are out to dinner. Which was great!
So dinner is finally winding down, we're all stuffed and Carrie and I are just polishing off our bottle of wine, and we're contemplating dessert, when I notice someone standing behind me in my periph, and I turn around, and it's ALI!! SURPRISE!!
A pleasant surprise of course. :) Except that this means we're going out, and I'm so beat I feel like I'm gonna fall face first into my lasagna. But I'm determined to entertain, so we bar hop. And it was a pretty good night! We danced, we drank, we laughed, and Bethany stayed with Ali in her hotel. Which meant Carrie didn't have to sleep on the couch again. Even though it was still pretty hot in my apartment.

To Be Continued...

Things That Happened...

Ok. It's time to tell the story. The story of me, Melissa and Law School.

I'm not sure how much you guys remember, so I'll try to explain from the beginning. If you do remember, feel free to skim through this.
Well...Melissa knew I liked Law School, but she started dating him anyway. They both deliberately hid it from me, she lied to me about it, and they talked all kinds of shit about me behind my back. And the way that I know this, is because Bethany and Summer found Law School's phone in a cab one night, randomly, and saw all the text messages between him and Melissa. And they were riddled with shit talking. About me.

I have always been a person who responds to pain with anger. I dunno why, it's just easier for me to get mad, than to get sad. So I lashed out at Melissa in any and every way I could, as soon as I heard all the hurtful things she had said about me. I was also a bit drunk when I did these things, and at that point, I knew there was no possibility of Melissa and I ever salvaging our "friendship". So I just let loose on her.

First, I sent her an email that said,

Melissa,

Go fuck yourself.

Love Your "BEST FRIEND",

Peyton

Then, I sent a long, (and in retrospect rather embarrassing) email to her ex boyfriend, Tim. Knowing her history with Tim, it was safe to assume they would get back together at some point, so in my hurt and angry state of mind, I just wanted her to hurt the way that I did. And I knew that telling Tim was the way to do that. The message, while truthful, was a bit gratuitous and rambling, in my intoxicated state of mind. I almost regretted it the next day, thinking, "How am I possibly going to save face the next time I run into him??" But then I just shrugged it off, and told myself I didn't care. I wasn't going to apologize to him, or to anyone else for what I had done. There was no way to go back and change it now anyways.
He never wrote back, and I actually have run into him several times since, it wasn't awkward at all, in fact, he actually seemed happy to see me! And neither of us ever mentioned that long drunken email I sent at 3am. Later on, I learned through the usual channels, that Melissa and Tim were back together, and I wondered if he ever asked her about what happened with she and I, and Law School.

But as time has gone on, I have thought less and less about Melissa. I don't even miss her actually. She was fake. Being with her was actually physically taxing. Because I never felt truly comfortable around her the way I do with my real friends, like Izzie. And it's made me realize that there are very few people I do feel truly comfortable with, who really know me.
Needless to say, I haven't put more than a second's thought to Melissa in over a month.

Until today.

I had just gotten back to the office, from lunch with my coworkers when I saw that I had 9 new text messages on my phone!
That's odd, I thought.
Two were from Taryn, and the other 7, were from Melissa.
WTF.
My heart started pounding in my chest, the way it does when I know I'm about to get into a confrontation with someone. I am very confrontational. In fact, you could almost say I live for confrontation. It doesn't always have to be hostile confrontation, it's just...I like to speak my mind. I don't understand all these passive aggressive, cold shoulder type people.
Anyways, pasted below, are her very misinformed opinions...

U know after we stopped talking & being friends I left everything alone. Didn't ever tell anyone anything u had ever said about them including ur bf's like bethany, jenna, etc. Or told Laura how the entire time u would talk to her u would talk shit about her bc u wanted Todd. I was there for u everytime u had a problem. I even gave u money when u had none. Why would u tell Tim things about me? Things u were unsure of. I feel sorry for the kind of hateful person you are. & I wasn't sleeping with [Law School] when u ran into Tim. If u really want to know I slept w/ [Law School] once & I broke it off w/ him soon after bc I knew he wasn't right for me. U sleep with EVERYONE and I never judged u or told anyone & still won't. Please stay out of my life.

Now I just want to vent.
First of all, I have only slept with 3 people since she and I have been friends! And one of those, was Brandon! So I dunno where she gets off telling me I sleep with "EVERYONE". And she apparently thinks I said something to Tim the last time I ran into him, but in fact, I have never so much as mentioned her name to him in person! After I sent him that email, on that fateful drunk night, I let it go. That was it. I would also like to know what the hell she's talking about "giving me money" like I'm some sort of charity case?? Like SHE actually has money of her own to give! She gets it all from her parents! She's almost 27 years old and she still lives with her parents, being completely supported by them until TWO FUCKING MONTHS AGO. I can think of a few times when she wanted me to go out with her, but I declined because I was short on cash, and she offered to buy my drinks, if I would go out. But that's it. And I will say that I always thought her generosity was one of her best qualities, but if she's been harboring all these horrible thoughts about me all this time, then who wants her Indian Giver generosity anyway!?
And yes, I said some things about Bethany, because we were going through some shit. But I told her all that stuff to her face, and we worked it out. Same thing with Jenna! I don't think I ever really said anything bad about her except that she complains too much. And I tell her that all the time! Yes, I did talk shit about Laura. I'm not perfect. I do shitty things. I'm HUMAN. And I was JEALOUS of her. And I didn't really understand her then, (I DO still think she's a bit batty) but she and I are actually friends now. And I like her! So doesn't that count for something??
And finally, "Please stay out of my life." PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY LIFE?! Pardon my hysterics, but, HAHAHAHA!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! THIS BITCH IS FUCKED 3 TIMES TOWARDS THE WEEKEND! I have made ABSOLUTELY NO attempts to talk to her, call her, text her FB her or ANYTHING. SHE is the one reaching out to me now, just so she can take one last jab at me, because apparently what I'd attempted, on that night that our friendship ended, has finally taken hold.

I finally hurt her back.

Verdict: GUILTY.

Apparently Law School is feeling guilty. And frankly, I'm surprised.
On Saturday night, Taryn said he was at her bar, and he asked her if they could get lunch this week, because he needed to talk to her and "get her opinion about something". And she said she was very short with him and said, "Well what is it? Just tell me now."
And he said it was about me.

And then she got busy or something (she was bartending) and when she finally got back to him, she asked him, "So where's Melissa?"
And then he supposedly said, "Dude, I don't know. I don't even TALK to her. I don't. At all. I haven't talked to her in like 3 weeks."

So, by my calculations, that puts the last time he talked to her around that night when all that shit went down.

So Taryn said he tried to call her yesterday, but she didn't call him back, and she says it's totally my call if I want her to call him back or not. At this point, I'm undecided. On the one hand, I wanna say "NO! Fuck him! I don't care if he's dating Melissa or not. That's not the point. The point is, he went behind my back, hid things from me deliberately, and talked shit about me. So I don't want or need his so-called friendship."
But the other part of me is reallllly curious why he's actually putting so much effort into resolving things...

Two Weeks.

"Hi Peyton, it's [Law School]. It's 10:30 on Tuesday...the uhhhh...19th. Um...I owed you a response, or a return phone call, and I'm not a writer, I'd rather talk. Uh...I know it's been a couple-well you probably, or you may, I dunno, probably, you may not wanna talk to me. Uuumm I can understand certain reasons why...umm but I think there's some good reasons to. Uhhh I was out of town in Ohio this last weekend, I was in Colorado for a little while, uhh and I'm about to go to China for a couple weeks so I've kinda had some busy... busy weeks but I kinda wanted to touch base with you ummm just cuz I didn't write you back. And I wanted to. Anyways, I would appreciate it if you gave me a phone call, when you have an opportunity. Uummm that's a bout it. Anyways, hope you're doin' well. Talk to you soon. Take care. Bye.
Oh! 555-5555, ...In case you deleted my number. Take care, bye."


((Sigh))

It's been 2 weeks. Two fucking weeks since I sent him an email telling him he was a coward and an asshole and if he wanted to date my friend, he should have just told me instead of going behind my back and trying to hide it from me. After which I deleted him from my Facebook.

Two whole weeks and he thinks I'm going to answer his phone calls?!?!? That I want to talk to him??? WTF. What could I POSSIBLY have to say to him?!?! I don't want anything to do with him. OR Melissa. EVER.

The only ironic thing about this situation is...he's the one trying to call me. Not Melissa.

The Girl's Rule Book

Hey everyone.

Thank you all so much for your sympathetic and encouraging comments. I am going through a lot of shit right now, and I was really upset the last time I posted. I haven't actually decided whether or not I'm going to continue with this blog or not. I might just take a break, I might stop blogging all together, or I might just start a totally new anonymous blog in some obscure spot on the internet, who knows?? But I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm dealing with this, and making lots of tough life decisions, all for the best. Melissa and I will never be friends again, obviously, and I don't really care to elaborate on that right now. But this is something that I wrote today, in light of recent events, that I feel I should share. And I think you all should share it as well. Forward it to ALL your girlfriends! And add things if you like. But I really, really think all the girls in the world today need to treat each other a lot better than they do (including myself, because I know I have been guilty of a lot of these). But hopefully this will help.

P.S. Lea, I haven't denied any comments, so maybe your computer froze up or it got lost in translation or something? Which post did you comment on? Post it again and I will for sure approve it. The only reason I have ever not posted comments in the past is if they were spam, or advertisements, or people just trying to guess who Todd is.


The Girl's Rule Book

If we all followed these rules, life would be simple, right?? Unfortunately, not everyone knows these rules, but here are some guidelines to keep in mind, particularly when it comes to girlfriends.

Treat Others As You Wish To Be Treated...
This is is pretty basic, and should be applied in all relationships, but when it comes to girlfriends, don't overlook this one. Because it is the most fundamental of rules, and pretty much encompasses everything. So think of this one as The Golden Rule.

Sharing...
At some point, you've noticed a girlfriend eyeing that new pair of shoes you just bought, or that book you can't stop raving about. If she asks you to borrow it, share it! You're friends right? And look at it this way, she will be more than willing to loan you that cocktail dress that you love. Plus, now you both have twice the closet.
With that in mind, let's not forget the rules of borrowing. If you borrow something, use it ONCE and return it, in a timely manner, and in the same condition that she gave it to you. If you lose it, damage it, or break it, replace it! If everyone did this, more people would share!

People You Don't Like...
If you hate, or dislike someone, don't expect your girlfriends to hate or dislike them too. That puts your girl in an awkward situation. How would you feel if someone you didn't even know disliked you just because her friend did? It's not cool. Just don't do it.

Fights, Disagreements and Arguments...
If you've got beef with a girlfriend, spill it to her, in a calm and rational manner. Don't be overly confrontational, or passive aggressive. Find a medium and speak to her about the problem right away, before it festers and gets worse. Do I even need to mention talking behind girlfriends' backs? Didn't think so.

Secrets...
If you're intentionally keeping something from a girlfriend, the first thing you need to ask yourself, is why? If your reasons for hiding things have her best interests in mind, then don't tell anyone else either. Because there's a good chance she'll find out anyway, and may have trouble ever trusting you again. If your reasons for hiding things have your best interests in mind, then whatever you did, or whatever you're doing, is probably wrong.

Break Up Drama...
If your girlfriend just got dumped, or just ended a relationship, be there for her! Listen if she wants to talk, give advice if she asks for it, let her lean on you if she needs to. Don't blow her off, shut her out or cut her off. Do not abandon your girlfriend in her time of need!
However, if you are the one who's just been dumped, give yourself a week, tops, to fall apart. Then get your shit together and stop crying about it. Your girlfriends can only handle so much talk about your ex, and sooner or later they're going to get sick of hearing about it and lose interest, which can cause feelings of frustration for both of you. So only allow yourself one week to cry to your friends about it, and afterwards, keep the whining to yourself. Write about it in a diary or blog if you have to.

Complaining...
Don't be a Negative Nancy, ok? So you hate school, or your job, or your roommate, or your boss, or your life?? Don't talk about it 24/7!! It just makes people not want to be around you. Who wants to sit and talk to someone who is constantly complaining and always negative? Venting is ok, but try to limit yourself to 1 rant per person. Once again, if that isn't enough, write in a blog or diary.

Your Friend's Friends...
Don't bash your girlfriend's friends. It doesn't matter if they are slovenly cave trolls, do not talk shit about them. Let her decide for herself who she wants to be friends with. I mean, she's friends with you, isn't she? Talking shit about her friends is only going to piss her off and put her on the defensive. If she asks what you think about someone, give her your unbitchy, unbiased opinion and that's it.

Your Friend's Boyfriend...
When it comes to boyfriends, you, as well as anyone else, know that people can be blinded. If your girlfriend is dating a complete asshole, you're allowed to tell her, once. And only if he's acting like an asshole.
If you are the one dating the asshole, and your friends are all telling you your boyfriend is an asshole, then he's definitely an asshole. It's easy to get defensive in these situations, so just keep in mind that your girlfriends are just looking out for you, and they have no ulterior motives for telling you your boyfriend is an asshole.

Your Friend's EX-Boyfriend...
Do not date him. Do not kiss him. Do not sleep with him. In fact, do not date/kiss/sleep with any guy that your girlfriend previously dated/kissed/slept with/had a crush on/whatever! DO NOT GO THERE!! If you do, you are entering very dangerous territory, and you should ask yourself how much you really value this friendship, if you are willing to risk all of it for some guy. Is this guy, who you're willing to throw a friendship away over, the one who's going to be consoling you after he dumps your backstabbing ass?? NO.
If there's grey area, don't ask questions, just don't go there.
As Leslie Knope says, "Uteruses before duderuses."

Apologies and Forgiveness...
If you have committed a girl on girl crime, admit you were wrong and sincerely apologize. And if you are the victim of a girl on girl crime, accept your friend's apology. Don't hold a grudge. Once the crime has been committed, there's no taking it back. And if she sincerely apologizes, there's nothing else she can do, so there's no point in torturing her with weeks of silent treatment. You should just forgive her, and move on.

Advice...
Don't give advice unless it is asked for. If you ask for advice, listen. If you're not going to take the advice, then stop asking for it.

Don't Be Self-Centered...
Listen as much as you talk, and don't always be centered around your own life and problems. Ask your friend how she's doing every once in a while.

$$$$$...
If you owe your girlfriend money, pay her back! Don't avoid the subject either, because it's just as awkward for her to ask you for her money back. She was willing to help you out in a time of need, so at least be respectful enough to let her know when you'll be able to pay her back.
If your girlfriend is asking to borrow money, you don't have to say yes. Everyone has different feelings about money and friendships. Just tell her nicely that you're not comfortable loaning money to friends. But if you agree to loan her the money, tell her upfront when and how you want to be paid back, so that there is no confusion later on down the road.

Competing...
Don't be competitive with your girlfriends. Life is not a competition, and you're surely not going to win if you lose all your friends in the process. It doesn't matter who's skinnier, who's smarter, who got the most phone numbers last night, or who makes the most money. Those things aren't going to make you happy in the long run.

Respect Her Space...
Don't be clingy. Don't expect your girlfriend to spend all her free time with you. Don't expect to be invited to everything. Everyone has different groups of friends, and sometimes those groups don't mesh. So if you weren't invited to a get together, give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt.

Respect Her Feelings...
On the flipside, don't leave your girlfriend out either. Be considerate of her feelings, and don't always forget to invite her when you go out. If you have mutual friends, she's probably going to hear about it, and her feelings will be hurt. I mean hey, the more the merrier!

Remember What You Deserve...
By now you're probably thinking you've been guilty of breaking some of these rules, but that's ok! Because we ALL have. Just keep in mind that you deserve to be treated according to these rules as well. And if you have a girlfriend who is a repeat offender, tell her! If she doesn't respond, or care, well then she's obviously not a true friend. We all love and (hopefully) respect our girlfriends, and deserve to be treated with love and respect in return.

Goodbye

I can't stop crying. I'm on the verge of hyperventilating. Summer and Bethany found a cell phone in a cab tonight. And it just happens to be Law School's. What are the fucking chances???
They read me most of the text messages between him and Melissa, which go back like 3 weeks. She told him everything I said. About how I had feelings for him, I was just trying to suppress them.. That whole conversation I posted!!! She fucking sent it to him!!! Just like Jayme did. And they even joked about who's friend I was. Now they both talk like I'm some psycho, and she is supposedly my "Best friend??"" Who does that??

I'm sorry if you guys don't understand where I'm coming from.

I can't write in this blog anymore. i just can't deal with everything I'm being forced to deal with, on top of all the criticism.
I can't trust anyone.
Not even my "best friend".

So this is it.
I'm done.

Back Off

I don't even know where to start. I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit. ((sigh))

Yesterday, I got an email from Melissa. This is what it said...

"Hey, I'm writing bc I needed to let you know something that I think you should know. Not this past wkend, but the wkend before that I ran into Law School and we started talking (he was out with Mitchell) and then we talked on fb. I know you don't have feelings for him, but I just didn't want you to get upset and think I was trying to talk to him behind your back. I've been so busy with the new job and getting up so early and going to bed so early that it slipped my mind especially since he wasn't even in town this past wkend. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

I texted her back,

P: Hey I got your email. So you and Law School are talking?

M: Well not talking, but we've talked. How do you feel about him. I know that you had a thing for him and that yall kissed so I wanted to see how you felt about us.

P: About you and Law School???

M: Yes

M: I'm not going to do something to hurt you especially on purpose. I mean you've talked gone out with other guys, but u never told me how u guys stood.

P: I feel like if you dated him that would be really fucked up, and I can't deal with another one of those situations, and I'm not going to.

M: Ok

P: We are friends, obviously, but I still have some feelings for him, I'm just trying to suppress them I guess. I talked to him yesterday, we just haven't seen each other in a while cuz he's been out of town. And I feel really hurt, bc I kind of knew this would happen cuz it ALWAYS DOES.

P: I don't feel about him the way I do about Todd, but the situations are too similar. It's just...resurfacing all this shit I've been trying to deal with.

M: I understand and that's why I'm asking you I'm not arguing with you.

P: I know, I'm just telling you how I feel. And just like with Jayme, I'm not going to tell you to not date him. Do whatever you want.

M: And you really think I would date him knowing that you're this upset by it. I thought u liked Law School back then, but that nothing came out of it. You never mentioned yall dating or whatnot and u told me yall went to the Christmas thing as friends. I didn't think u liked him enough to compare this to ur situation with Todd who you've always cared for. I thought that when yall met since u were with Brandon, it was just an attraction. It's done now so it doesn't matter.


I didn't write back after that. I was too upset. How could she do this to me, NOW, of all times!?!?? After all the bullshit I just went through with Todd!? And she knew I liked Law School, and she knew I wouldn't like them dating, otherwise she never would have written me an email about it. Ugh....

I thought about it all day yesterday. I mean, what are the fucking chances? I swear, the next guy I date is never going to meet any of my girlfriends until I have a fucking ring on my finger.

So I wrote Melissa an email today. Here it is...

"A couple things I spent the last 24 hours thinking about that I just need to tell you...

1) How could you say, "I know you don't have feelings for him"? If you KNEW I didn't have feelings for him, then why would you think I would care?? Either way, you had to know how I would feel about this situation, not just bc of what happened with Todd and jayme, but because when I came up to [my bar] that day you called me to tell me that Law School was there, I told you I was upset that he was flirting with you. And it really hurt me to see that. And you said you weren't interested, and you loved Tim, etc etc... But I thought I made it pretty clear to you how I felt about it that night. Things with me and Law School never went anywhere, but my feelings for him have always been confused, and complicated. When I met him, true, I was with Brandon, and there was an obvious attraction, I just chose to ignore it, bc I was with someone. But then when we broke up, Law School was one of the first people I thought of. And when we kissed, that night, and we talked the next day, I thought, or hoped, that it might lead somewhere. But then he appeared to either get really weirded out, or really busy. And I didn't want to force the issue, cuz he's my friend. So I pushed it out of my mind, for a while. We did make plans to hang out, a few times over the past few weeks, but he would end up calling me too late, cuz he works all the time, and then we just didn't see each other for like a month. And I'm not about to go chasing another guy, making myself look all pathetic and desperate. And I figured, he's my friend, so it's not like we'll never talk or see each other again. So I just decided to wait it out, and hope that things between us went back to normal, and then who knows?

2) How could you say we went to that Christmas party as just friends?? The whole reason I invited him was because of what had happened between us, and I wanted to see where it would go. And I even told you that he kissed me on the cheek after the party, and said, "he didn't wanna get me sick" but that I still thought that was something, since he had never kissed me on the cheek before we made out. At that point, I was totally into him, and I wanted something to develop. And HE had said to me, "What are you doing next week?" and then I invited him to the party. AS MY DATE. And everyone that was at the party knew that as well.

Either way, I feel like you had to know this would upset me, or you never would have brought it up to me this way. I seriously feel really hurt and upset. I mean, no this isn't exactly like the situation with Todd, but how could you say it's not comparable?? It's pretty much the same thing!
I am seriously in a place right now where I feel like I can't trust anyone, and I'm never going to bring a guy that I like around any of my girl friends again.

In MY rule book, you never kiss/date/talk to/WHATEVER any guy that one of your friends has previously kissed/dated/talked to. I would NEVER NEVER NEVER do that to one of my friends. If there is any gray area whatsoever, I just don't even go there. There's too much at risk. That's why I freaked out when I found out TB had slept with Alli. And at the time, Alli and I weren't even that close! I'm not accusing you of anything, or insinuating anything about you and Law School. I'm just trying to make it very clear how I feel about the situation.
And it's really coincidental that you told me about this the day after I talked to him. Bc I thought...I dunno. I guess it just doesn't matter.

And at the bottom of all of this is the fact that I'm feeling pretty shitty about myself right now. It's bad enough to get rejected over and over by guys you like just because THEY DON'T LIKE YOU. But then, to add insult to injury, they like your friend. They like your friend more than you, and they would rather be with your friend more than you. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were good friends with someone, and you had fun together, and hung out, and you liked him and hoped something would come out of it, but then you found out he was really interested in one of your friends?? Because if you can't, I can tell you it really sucks."


Ok, now before you guys get all Judgey McJudgerton on me, let me just say that, for me, Law School is one of those guys I will always be interested in, but will probably never act on, out of fear of rejection. You know, because he's my friend. Izzie thinks he's a total douche for making out with me, leading me on, and then deliberately trying to date one of my friends, which is a perspective I hadn't really considered. But...I dunno. Am I just being selfish??
I just don't understand how Melissa could have any doubts about how I would feel in this situation! I mean we were both there the night that she and Law School met, and I told her I was upset that he was flirting with her! She knew it bothered me, and assured me that she wasn't interested in him. And that wasn't really that long ago.

And as for my conversation with Law School on Sunday, I had texted him, to see if he was out. Because the previous Sunday, Taryn and I ran into him on Washington. And I thought maybe he and I could meet up. But he was actually at the airport. And then I mentioned, as an afterthought that I wished he would stop acting so weird and awkward around me, just cuz we kissed, because we shouldn't let that get in the way our friendship. And he said,

"Trust me, I haven't let that get in the way of anything. I'm not going to try and make excuses or anything like that, but I'm pretty sure that was the end of Dec, I was gone 2 weeks afterwards, then you were gone to some football games, and then I had a business trip, and then you went to the Superbowl, and I worked almost every day in March until I left for Colorado this week."

LS: I'm writing this as I'm in the car with my roommate.

Me: Dude...calm down! Lol. It just felt like you might be weirded out or something. And we're friends, so I have no problem telling you exactly what's on my mind. Sorry if that bothers you.

LS: It doesn't bother me at all...there's no hard or weird feelings at all. I know that I've been out of touch with you and and others lately.

Me: Ok well I just didn't want you to go to all that trouble to avoid me. ;)

LS: Haha...c'mon...well it's all good. I don't have any big plans coming up so we'll be able to go get a drink sometime soon.

Me: Ok well tell your roommate I said hi!

LS: Haha... Will do! Have fun at Brixx!

And that was that. So maybe he is just really busy. Who knows... But either way, I'm just so sick of this shit!!! Why does this always happen to me!?? Why can't I just find a guy who likes me?!? And why can't my "friends" just BACK OFF???!!

((Sigh))

Insider Info

My boss is out of the office today so I can listen to my iPod! Haha. So I'm rockin' Rude Boy by Rihanna at the moment. I'm sure my boss wouldn't care if I listened to my iPod, but I don't, just in case he sneaks up on me while I'm jammin' out. Lol.
Anyway, Jenna talked to Dave again yesterday, and she gave him my number, finally. So perhaps I'll be hearing from him soon. We'll see...
Tonight, Cecilia and I are going to see Dierks Bentley at the rodeo! I'm so excited! We're going again next week to see Rascal Flatts. I always have so much fun with Cecilia so I'm glad we're going to finally get to spend some time together.
So yesterday, I heard from 2 people (Ben and Taryn) in 2 totally separate conversations that Jayme is apparently telling everyone that Todd is obsessed with her, and smothering her, and she's so annoyed with him, etc... Ugh. How fucking typical. I mean, he gives his affections to someone who clearly doesn't deserve them, and then she just...throws them away! What I wouldn't do to be in her position... ((Sigh)) Whatever.
To Anonymous who commented on my last post, I didn't think your comment was mean at all. And I appreciate your perspective, because I hadn't thought about it that way, and I guess you're right. I kind of knew that in a way, because I know how crazy it sounds to say he chose her over me, it's just... I dunno. I'm still not ready to talk to him yet. Even if he and Jayme are already over.
I just hope that Jayme is honest with him, so that he doesn't continue to waste his time on her. Then maybe I could get my friend back.

Here's a little story I've gotta tell
'Bout this boy I know so well
Back in the day was cool and all
Fell in love, I fell in love
Thought he was the one for me
Other boys I could not see
And look what happened to our love
I'm like how could it be?

It should have been me and you
It could have been you and me
Boy you broke my heart and now I'm standing there
It should have been me and you
It could have been you and me
Now all I got are these photographs

All I've got, all I've got
All I've got are these photographs
All I've got, all I've got
Is nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you

Now baby it's killing me
I'm saying it's killing me
The fact that you ain't around
Baby I'm falling down
I need me a remedy
Been looking for remedies
I need you to be around
Baby I'm hurting now
I know you're a better man
When I was your girl
This land is a better land
When you're in my world
Today will be better babe
If it were like yesterday
So happy and lovely hey, hey, hey

All I've got, all I've got
All I've got are these photographs
All I've got, all I've got
Is nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you

All I've got are these photographs
I remember when I used to make you laugh
I don't wanna be stuck in the past
But you're all that I have that I had
And I don't wanna lose what we built this far
This is me and you, you're my superstar
I'd give anything, baby here's my heart
My heart, my heart…

Anybody else ever felt this way??



Quote Of The Day:

"Snail fiddling is not an occupation I'd be proud of. You dirty fucker."

Not In The Cards For Me

1) If you wanna say something rude, go right afuckinghead. But don't be a PUSSY, and put your name to your comment!!! I fucking dare you.

2) The stories I post sometimes, are not merely exercises in creative writing, they're true! :) They're memories; things that have made a major impact on my life.

Moving on...
Todd called me Tuesday night and we talked. The good news is, he and are fine, and I feel really solid about our relationship. He's not going anywhere, and that will never change. He cares about me a lot, and he said we've known each other too long for him to feel weird or awkward around me, no matter what happens. And he said he was sorry for hurting my feelings.
The bad news is, he said he doesn't see me that way. He said he thinks I'm absolutely gorgeous, but he just sees me as a friend. And apparently we had a conversation about this right before the season started, but I was drunk and I don't remember. I have GOT to stop doing that! I feel so stupid. Ugh... So he said he thought I knew what his feelings were, and it was not his intention to hurt me. The other thing is, he and Jayme didn't go on a date Sunday night. They went out with a group of people. She just failed to mention that. She made it sound like it had just been the 2 of them, am I wrong?? I mean I pasted the text messages, exactly as she wrote them. And I told Todd that too.
And after we talked about our relationship and everything, he asked me about Jayme. And I basically said, "Look. When I heard you were interested in her, I talked to a couple friends, just to get some advice, and they all said the same thing: that I was obligated to tell you how crazy she is. That I had to warn you."
So I did. I told him that he's way too good for her. That last year, she would never have given him a second glance. Sure, she probably would have liked him, had they gotten to know each other, but she wouldn't have even bothered. She just likes him now because of what he has to offer. And I told him that she gets insanely jealous with all her boyfriends, and screams, yells, and hits them, and just...completely freaks out... And I didn't think he would want to deal with that. Bottom line is, he's too good for her. Wayyyyyy too good for her.

And it's true, Jayme and I aren't really friends, by definition. We are coworkers, who get along, and who have hung out together from time to time, and I have never bore her any ill will. And if the tables had been reversed, I never would have made the decision she made. I never would have even approached her guy friend, and asked him out, knowing what she knows about Todd and I, if she were in my position. But clearly, she doesn't hold that same regard for me, and that's just the way it is.

Also, she lied and exaggerated about the situation! She led me to believe that she and Todd went out on a date Sunday night, and that he had asked her out again. But really, it was a group of people who hung out Sunday, and really she was the one who asked him out! So I think maybe she just wanted me to think that he was really interested in her, so that I would feel guilted into giving them my blessing. ((Sigh)) Whatever. It's none of my concern anymore. I warned Todd about her, he knows I care about him as his best friend, and I'm very protective of him. And he's smart. He will come to see what everyone else already knows. It will never last.

I'm still pretty depressed that he says he could never see me in a romantic light. I mean, never?? How can you say never? Things can always change, right? ((Sigh)) But I'm not going to hold out hope, because that would be foolish. And I love him so much (as a friend) that even if it hurts like hell, I will always be his friend, and I will always stand by his side, and be there for him, no matter what. And I know, at least, that he does feel the same, in that respect.

But there was more to our conversation... When I told him that my friends had said I needed to warn him about Jayme, he asked me who had said that. Because Jayme had told him that some mutual friends of ours had been telling her not to worry about me, and to just go for it. And Todd said that even though he'd promise not to name any names, he thought that if the same people were talking to me and to Jayme, I deserved to know who they were, because obviously they aren't very loyal friends.

So I named the people I talked to: Izzie, Ben, Bethany, and Melissa. And apparently Melissa is the backstabber! I just couldn't believe it. She had always been a good friend to me. Why would she tell Jayme to not worry about me, and just go out with Todd??
Then I remembered the text message she had sent me earlier that day. This is what it said,

"Peyton, I know u r really upset & mad right now, but u and Jayme have never been good friends. Todd's a nice guy, do you really think she would let this opportunity pass her up? I'm just trying to be honest."

And while that's true, why would she say that to me?? All I needed from her was a friend to lean on, someone to listen. I didn't respond to her text, but when Todd told me that she had told Jayme not to worry, "because she's not going to be reasonable about this anyway", I was just crushed. I mean, she and Jayme aren't even friends!! They've gone to work out together a couple times, but they are friendly acquaintances, at best. Melissa is supposed to be my best friend! And I'm not saying she should take sides, I just think she should have stayed out of it! It wasn't her place to call Jayme and talk to her about my problems! She had nothing to do with it! And that's exactly what Todd said, "I can't understand why she wouldn't just mind her own business".

So Tuesday night, I went to a movie with Ali (When In Rome) and after the movie, I took a deep breath, and called Melissa. I just wanted to make sure and remain calm throughout the conversation. I didn't want a screaming match. So when she answered, I said my calmest voice,

"Are you somewhere where you can talk?"

"Yea, what's up?"

"Well...I'm really mad at you, and upset and hurt. I can't believe that you would reach out to Jayme, and tell her that she should just go ahead and date Todd, because I'm never going to be reasonable about it. I just can't fucking believe that you would stick your nose in where it doesn't belong, and undermine me like that. Why would you go out of your way to say that to her, when you're one of the few people who actually knows how I truly feel about Todd!?"

"First of all, how dare you cuss at me and talk to me like that! I did not reach out to Jayme or say those things! And you have no right to talk to me like that! If this is the way you're going to talk to me, then this is where our friendship ends!"

And she hung up on me.

I tried calling her back, but of course she didn't answer. And now, I was furious, and really hurt. She didn't even offer to explain herself, she just got mad, and her first reaction was to end our friendship! WTF!!?? Now I know how Tim must feel ALL THE TIME. Not to mention, she knows better than to take offense to me cussing. I know it's a bad habit, but anyone who knows me, knows I cuss like a sailor!
And so the text message battle ensued...

Me: I can't believe you're not even going to hear me out and you're just gonna cut me off like that. CLEARLY I'm upset and I wanna clear this up. How can you sit here and make this about you??
Me: I just had the heartbreak of my life, then I find out from TODD that you were talking to Jayme about me. I thought I knew where your loyalties were, and I didn't think they were with Jayme.
Me: And it hurts my feelings even more that you could be so quick to end a friendship.

Melissa: I cannot believe you have the nerve to talk to me like that after I've always been there for you when Bethany and Summer and whoever else hasn't. U can be mad & act ridiculous I'm not worried about it. I have my own problems including my relationship with Tim, taking care of my sick granny & mom plus school. If you had talked to me things would have been different. I'm not playing these dramatic games with you, just leave me alone.

Me: Talk to you like what? Like I'm upset?? I'm not playing games. I can't believe you would hang up on me! That's immature and ridiculous. It would be much easier to TALK but if you're not worried about it then fine. You just wanna kick me when I'm down, not explain ANYTHING to me, not listen to what I have to say, just >click<. That's real nice.
Me: You were the last person I expected to hurt me like this. I don't know why you would reach out to Jayme instead of talk to me, and I can't believe that you could be so flippant and cold, and without giving it a second thought, end our friendship. Soooo fucked up.

Melissa: Undermine you, cuss at me and feel the need to talk to me like I'm beneath you. No, that's not ok & I'm not going to listen when I know nothing I say will change ur mind. I know u better than u think. I've always been loyal. I've always looked out for you. I've always been a good friend. I cannot believe u would react like this bc I talked to Jayme on the phone. Peyton, u are exaggerating & don't use words that I can't understand to make me feel stupid...

I didn't respond anymore after that. By this time, I was in my bed, sobbing, and just ready to go to sleep. But let me tell you what I think.
First, did I use any big words in that conversation that any of you couldn't understand??? Because I wasn't trying to patronize her.
Second, if she has so many of her own problems, and she's not "worried" about me, then why would she even expel the effort to call Jayme? It wasn't her concern!! And I think I have every right to be upset, because she obviously didn't want me to find out that she talked to Jayme. She obviously told Jayme not to tell me they talked, because Jayme made Todd promise he wouldn't tell me! And I'm sorry, but I will take Todd's word over anyone's, any day.

I was really upset and hurt and disappointed after that so-called conversation with Melissa. I mean how much rejection can any one person handle in a day?? But now I just feel...resolved. I mean I'm not going to kiss her ass or try to convince her to be my friend. I'm just sick and fucking tired of trying to make everyone happy. This conflict with Melissa never should have happened! Because none of this had anything to do with her!! And she's the one being dramatic, by telling me she's ending our friendship and then hanging up on me! What are we in high school again??
I know, I'm not without my problems, and drama seems to follow me wherever I go, but try to avoid being the cause of any of it. And try to stay away from people who are the cause. People like Jayme, and I hate to admit it, Melissa! She is like the most dramatic person I know!

So I've decided I'm just gonna lay low for a while. I have a couple of things already on the books for the next couple weeks but I'm pretty much not going to talk to anyone who isn't a relative, I'm not going to log into Facebook for like 2 weeks, and I'm just gonna stay home and be alone. I just don't feel like being around anyone. I feel so emotionally drained and exhausted, and beaten down. I just feel like...shit. Nothing ever seems to happen the way I want it to. I can't just be happy. It's just not in the cards for me.

The Worst Possible Situation EVER.

Ok... A lot of you are asking questions, so I'll explain what happened. First off, Jayme is a friend of mine who works at the shot bar. I've mentioned her here before. She and Summer used to be best friends. She's got huge fake boobs, and bleach blond hair, and she's a playboy-esque model. TOTALLY NOT the type of girl that I EVER thought Todd would go for. Which really hurts... But this is what happened.

Almost right after I posted yesterday, I got a text from Jayme. This is our conversation.

J: Hey call me when u get a free minute
Me: Well that won't be till 4ish. Why? What's up?? Tell me!!

Jayme rarely sends me texts, and we don't hang out much these days, so I had no clue what this was going to be about

J: Lol nothing really... Todd came into my bar the other night and got my number and we hung out last night.. I have always been under the impression y'all are best friends but I wanted to be sure because he wants to take me out again tomorrow.. And we talked about y'alls relationship and he told me y'all are like family and whatnot so I figured y'all really are just best friends but I didn't want to step on anyones toes if there was anything else going on. I'm sure I'm just paranoid but I wanted to come and ask u if it was cool with u if I hung out with him and what u thought about it.. Everyone says y'all are best friends and he said u were like a sister so I just wanted to be sure! Tell me what u think...

At this point all the blood had rushed to my face, I couldn't breathe and I was trying really hard to not start crying.

Me: Um...wow. Well honestly I have feelings for him, I just never told him, bc I didn't know how. But um...I don't know what to say.
Me: The truth is I've been in love with him for 2 years, but he's always had a gf. I really can't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now.

J: Ooooooh really??? Ok I won't hang out with him.. He told me y'all were like family so I had no idea.. I'm sorry.. I will stop talking to him!
J: Oh my gosh Peyton I'm sorry... We didn't do anything, just had dinner and some drinks.. I won't talk to him.. I had no idea

Me: Well...now I don't know what to do! He's gonna know its bc of me. I don't wanna tell you not to hang out with him. An if he thinks of me as a sister, that's certainly not good...((sigh))
Me: What did you ask him about me?? I didn't even know you were single. What are you gonna do/say to him??

J: Well he just called me and we talked about it for a minute.. He wants u to call him when u get off work...

Me: WHAT?!? WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM???
Me: PLEASE tell me you didn't tell him!!
Me: JAYME! TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID! I'M SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK! Don't say anything else to him about me!

J: Well we were talking about the situation and he said he already knew... He said you've had friends ask him what he thinks about u and stuff and he said you've hinted you've wanted to go on a date... I told him that this was awkward because I thought he thought of y'all as family (like a sister) and he said yes that's what he's always thought but that I guess recently you've tried to find out what he thinks of u...? or something...? anyways, I told him I thought u had some feelings for him and wasn't sure we should continue to talk and he got a little upset and said he wanted to see me again and I just don't know what to do.. And I don't want to hurt u and I've been single for about a month...
J: He said he needs u to call him so y'all can talk about all of this. I'm gonna stay out of this.. I really don't want drama and that's why I was making sure y'all were really "like family" so I won't talk to him until he tells me what is happening and then I'll go from there.. I'm not about to start a relationship with anyone anyways.. Seriously we just hung out for a couple of hours yesterday.

Me: Well honestly I never asked any friends to do any of that, so I really don't know who's been saying stuff to him. And I never said anything about a date bc we're just FRIENDS! And you CAN tell him that. I'm sorry you got dragged into this. I'm not going to call him. You can go out with him tomorrow, whatever, I don't care.
Me: I always respected him, and the fact that he was in a relationship and never tried to HINT that I liked him cuz I didn't want him to know! Are you on the phone with him again? cuz now I'm hurt, upset and PISSED. Not at you just...I wish I knew where he was getting this information from.

J: No I'm just running a bunch of errands, sorry. You aren't going to call him..? You sure you don't care I see him?

Me: Yes I care, Jayme. I feel like absolute shit, but I'm not gonna dictate who he can or can't see. I'm sitting in my cubicle trying to make it till 4 without bursting into tears!! I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND. But do what you want. Todd likes you, go for it. He's a great guy, who I obviously don't deserve.
Me: And if you tell him any of this I will murder you in your sleep.

Then Todd sent me a text: Hey call me when you get off work.

I didn't respond. At 4 o'clock, I literally ran out of my office. Todd tried to call me. I didn't answer. As soon as I got in the car, I called Jayme. No answer.

So I texted her.

Me: Can you please call me?? Cuz Todd just tried to call me, and I don't wanna talk to him until I know exactly what is going on.

J: Peyton, this is between y'all, not me. Please leave me out of this.

Me: I know that! I just wanna know exactly what you said to him.

I tried calling her again. Still no answer.

Me: Jayme. Seriously? You can't avoid me forever. I'm not mad, I just need to talk to you. This is really important.

J: Ok. Give me 5 minutes.

Then finally, I talked to her.

She said he went into the shot bar Saturday night, before he came to my bar, and she gave him her number. Then they hung out Sunday night, after we all went out to eat. And yesterday he flew out to make a speech somewhere, but he said he was flying back Tuesday to take her out again. And she told him the thought I might have feelings for him, and she felt awkward and didn't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt my feelings. And then he told her that she would be hurting his feelings if he didn't go out with her, because he thought they had a "real connection". WHAT!?? Ugh... Of course, this is all from Jayme's mouth, not his. And all the while this was going on, he was calling me, and calling me, and calling me. But I just couldn't bring myself to answer because I wasn't ready to have that conversation with him. I'm still not!
So Jayme said that she thinks I should call him, and that he really wants to talk to me, cuz I'm his best friend, blablabla... But I told her I just can't. Not yet. And I made Jayme promise that she wouldn't tell him we had talked, or anything I said. And she agreed. And I told her she would have to go out with him because otherwise he would know it was because of me.

After I got off the phone with Jayme, I called Izzie. She and I had been google chatting at work while all this was going on, so she was caught up on the story. She told me not to talk to Todd until I was calm. Because I wasn't obligated to answer his phone calls, and I was clearly in no fit state to talk to him. He was still trying to call me when I was on the phone with her, so I texted him saying I was on hold with the cable company and couldn't click over, but if he was calling about Jayme, I didn't care if he went out with her, and I didn't know what Jayme had told him I'd said, but Jayme's a bit on the dramatic side, and I really don't care.

Obviously that was a boldfaced lie, but I just wanted him to stop calling!
He texted me back asking me to call him when I got off the phone. But I never did, obviously.

I turned off my phone after that. My mom came over, and we talked about it. She said she knows I've liked Todd for a while now, but it's not the end of world, blablabla...usual mom stuff. But she doesn't know how I really feel about him.

I just didn't want it to happen this way. I wanted to tell him when I was ready! And not because of JAYME. ((Sigh)) Now he's telling Jayme he already knew I liked him, which when I think about it it's like...well if he knew I liked him, then why would he go off and try to date one of my friends!?

I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel like I've just been dumped, before I ever even got a shot with Todd. I just...can't take this anymore. It's like no matter what I do, I can't make things right. Everything is always screwed up. And I've never met a guy as great as Todd, and I don't know if I ever will, and for me to be with anyone else would feel like settling. Am I just not deserving enough to be loved by someone I deem worthy?? It's always just rejection. Every guy I've ever cared about has disappointed me in some major way. I just don't wanna do this anymore. I've never felt so heartbroken before because...not only am I in love with him, he's my best friend.

I woke up this morning, still feeling like shit, but with a little resolve. And when I got to work this morning, I wrote Todd an email. I haven't sent it to him yet, but I'm going to. Here it is...


"Ok, I don't really know where to begin, so this might just sound like a bunch of rambling. But I'm sorry I didn't call you yesterday, I just needed some time to collect my thoughts, and I turned my phone off.

First of all let me say, that your friendship means more to me than anything else, and I would never want to do anything to jeopardize that. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I don't really have a lot of people in my life that I can call true friends, who I can really count on. But I've always considered you a true friend, and as such, I want you to be happy, and I have always put your best interests ahead of my feelings.

That being said, my feelings for you are really...complicated. And I never meant to have this conversation with you in this way. I wasn't even sure if I would ever say anything to you about it. And just for the record, I never asked any of my friends to ask you about me, I don't even know who it was. And I never tried to hint anything to you about us dating, because I didn't want you to know how I felt. I wasn't even sure how I felt! And you were with Laura, and I respected that, and would never do anything to undermine that. Anytime that I asked you to hang out or go do something, I meant it to be JUST AS FRIENDS. The thing is, you are my best friend, and I know you're a good person. You're smart, and honest, and genuine, and I respect and admire you a lot. So I guess when you look at it that way, it's not really any surprise that my feelings for you grew into something more. But again, I wasn't really planning on saying anything, or acting on it, because I didn't feel the time was right, and I had absolutely no idea how you felt about me, and I didn't want to make things awkward between us. I was being honest when I told you I think you need to be single for a while. I wasn't saying that because I had some sort of ulterior motive, and I just wanted you to break up with Laura so I could have you for myself. And I hope that's not what you think. Because in my mind, our friendship comes first, and I always try to be honest with you, and tell you what I really think.

Which brings me to my next point. When Jayme texted me yesterday, it really caught me off guard. The first thing I thought was, why didn't you mention anything to me about it? If you were interested in one of my friends, why not tell me?? And I'm not sure what Jayme said to you about me, but I'm assuming she told you I had feelings for you, because she told me you said you "knew" I had feelings for you. And if that is actually the case, and you assumed I did have feelings for you, then why would you date one of my friends?? Because that seems kind of fucked up.
I'm not trying to tell you who you can or can't date. It's not my business, and if you like Jayme, go for it. But I am honestly not comfortable with that, and if you want to continue seeing her, I'm just going to remove myself from the picture completely for a while. Not because I'm angry with you, or with her, I just think it's weird. And I'd rather not hang around with the elephant in the room.
Under any other circumstances, as your best friend, I would feel obligated to tell you everything I know about Jayme, so that you could take what I know and make an informed decision about her. But since we are in this situation, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to say anything to you about her. And you're smart, so I trust that you'll figure it out on your own. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

There are a lot of things that have been swimming around in my head lately, and since I'm already on this tangent, I may as well tell you, that I worry a lot about you, and our friendship. Because like I said before, it means a lot to me. And your life has changed so much in the past year, for the best, but I know how overwhelming it can be. I'm just afraid that I'll wake up one day and you'll be this different person that I don't know anymore. And I really don't want that to happen. And sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because it's like your...new found fame, or whatever you want to call it, is this big thing that gets in the way of our friendship. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean...I don't want you to think I'm some starsucker who just wants to use you, or exploit you because of what you now have. Most of the time I just wish things could go back to normal. But I'm so happy for you, and I know you deserve everything, I just don't really know how to act around you sometimes these days. And that's another reason why I wasn't sure I wanted to say anything to you about my feelings, because I didn't want you to think I just suddenly decided I liked you because you're in the NFL. This is something that has slowly come into fruition over a period of time.

Just know that it is really important to me that I don't lose your friendship. And I don't want you to not see Jayme because of me. Don't worry, I'm used to guys liking my friends by now. Hopefully this clears everything up for you. If you still wanna talk you can write me back or call me after 4."


I'm about to send the email. I don't know what else to do. I guess I won't be going to his party on Saturday after all. I just can't bear to be around him if he's dating one of my friends. And I think it's kind of shitty of Jayme to act like she would stop talking to him for me, but obviously she wasn't expecting me to tell her I liked him. And she doesn't actually care. I just don't see what Todd see's in her. It worries me! This is the first sign of him turning into a famewhore! Big breasted, cheap, easy blonds, who take half naked photos of themselves and post them on facebook! Ugh... He is so much better than her! I mean, don't get me wrong, Jayme is nice, and she's fun, but... She has NO education. She has a 4 year old DEVIL CHILD, she sleeps around, she doesn't really have any self-respect or dignity, everything she wears is like...BOOB CENTRAL! HELLO!!?? and the caliber of men she normally dates is just...ASSHOLES. BIG, DOUCHEY, COCKY, ASSHOLES. ((Sigh))
All my feelings for Todd aside, I like Jayme, but I do NOT like her for my best friend.
I hope Todd realizes this sooner than later. I really do.

The Perfect Dress

Man you guys, let me tell you how much I was hoping that maintenance guy would show up at midnight and add some excitement to my life! I just loooooooooove the drama!!
((chuckle))

Anyways, I didn't get a chance to go to my leasing office yesterday, since I was meeting with a new photography client. But I definitely will today! I'm not gonna bother with the police. As rude as they were, I can definitely withstand a little bullying. As for the maintenance guy though?? What it boils down to is, he knew I was there, since my deadbolt was locked, and I'm sure he knew I was sleeping, and he was definitely TRYING to wake me up, which is completely uncalled for. He should left me alone after I didn't answer the door the first time. And that's what I'm going to YELL to my apartment managers. Ugh.

Anyways, other than that little incident, my weekend was pretty good! Saturday during the day, I went to Taryn's apartment and raided her closet for dresses. She had a couple cute ones, but none of them were like...The One. But she told me to bring them anyways. Then we went out to lunch, which was nice. She's one of my only single friends these days, so we can relate to each other.
While we were hanging out Todd called!
"Hello?"
"Hey Peyton, I have some good news!" He said.
"Really? What???" I asked, my heart pounding.
"I was able to get you a comped room at our hotel."
"WOW! Seriously???"
I couldn't believe my luck! I'd been wondering how I was gonna manage to get around if I stayed with my mom's cousin. She lives about 30 minutes from the stadium, which is a pretty expensive cab ride.
"Yea! They were only giving the extra rooms out to the players who were married, but one of my teammates is good friends with guy who's in charge of booking the rooms, and he managed to pull some strings."
"Omg thanks, Todd! That's so awesome!"
"No problem! You and Laura will be sharing a room."

Uh oh! I thought, The bomb drops... But I didn't let on how weird that might be, I just thanked him profusely. I don't even care about that! I mean, I like Laura, she's a nice girl, and I have nothing against her personally. I just don't think she's right for Todd! But we get along, and it's going to be fun regardless.

So Saturday night, I worked at the Washington bar. Taryn and I were actually scheduled at the same time, so we carpooled! :)
Go green! Working there was really awesome though. It was a nice change of scenery. The prices and computer system are different, but I picked up on everything right away. It was fast paced, so I wasn't bored, and the night went by quickly, and we made great money!! Just what I need for Miami!!

Sunday morning, I woke up earlier than I'd planned, but I had a lot of stuff to do so I just decided to roll with it. First stop? The mall. As much as I was dreading walking around The Galleria, I just had to find the perfect dress! As I was getting ready to go, Laura called.

"Hey Peyton!! Are you excited?! We're roomies!"
"I know! I am excited! It's gonna be so much fun!"

We chatted about the weekend, our flights, and what to wear. I told her I was about to head to the mall to find something. She expressed that she had no clue what she was going to bring. So I offered to bring along some extra dresses, just in case she wanted to borrow something.
The mall was actually not that bad. I perused through Macy's pretty quickly, found some cute stuff, but nothing that really stood out. Then I headed to French Connection, where I found the perfect dress! Not only is it purple, my favorite color, but it was marked down, and 50% off!! And it fit perfectly! I'll post pictures when I get home.
I also got the perfect accessories to go with it. Black sequined pumps with a matching black sequined clutch. Now, all I need is jewelry, and I'll have the perfect ensemble for the post-game players party on Sunday. I'm so excited!!!

After the mall, I headed over to my aunt's house in Spring. My grandparents were in town, along with my Aunt Josie and her kids. So it was kind of like a mini-family reunion. We had dinner, played catch-up and watched the Grammy's. Then I finally went home, exhausted, and well...you know the rest of the story.
My lash extensions appointment got canceled yesterday cuz apparently a bunch of girls dropped out of the program. I was pretty disappointed but...oh well. She said she'd keep me in her appointment book for next time.
Well, it's back to work! Busy busy busy!!

Scared

Ever been woken up from a deep sleep, in the dead of night, to the sounds of someone violently banging on your front door??

Cuz I have! Last night I went to sleep around 10:45. I'd been sleeping for about an hour when it started. Jasper started barking of course, and I was startled into consciousness. Whoever it was, was banging incessantly, and ringing the doorbell in rapid succession. I looked at the clock. Midnight. Who the hell would be coming over at midnight?? I was afraid to go to the door and see who it was. They were still banging, hard! Then I heard the door knob rattle and turn, as someone tried to open the door. Alright now I was really scared. I was clutching Jasper's nose, holding his mouth shut so he wouldn't bark. For some reason, I didn't want them to hear me. I grabbed my phone and began to panic. My visitor was still trying to force the door open.
Who can I call?? I have...no one!
My first thought was Brandon, but I quickly talked myself out of that. As distraught as I was, there was nothing he could do, even if he was willing. Then I thought of my parents, but they're too far away.
Nick!! I suddenly thought, Not only does he live about a block away, but he's a police officer!!
I quickly dialed his number. The banging had temporarily subsided, but I was still shaking.
When he picked up the phone, I could tell he was out somewhere.
"Can you go someplace quiet, it's important!" I said.
"Yea, one sec." He said.
The line finally went silent.
"What's up?" He asked urgently.
"There is somebody banging on my door and trying to get into my apartment." I said, "I'm afraid to leave my room to go see who it is!"
"No, stay in your room. Call HPD."
"Ok..."
"Just hang up the phone with me, and call HPD, they'll run a Code 1 and be out there really quick, I promise. Just tell them some one's trying to break into your apartment."
"Ok." I said. The banging had started again, and I heard a man's voice.
"Alright, call me back after you call them, ok?"
"Ok." I said, and I hung up the phone, trembling.

Then I dialed 9-1-1. I told the operator everything, and gave her my address and phone number. She said someone would be out right away. The guy was still banging on my door. In a rush, I jumped out bed and went to my underwear drawer. I began rummaging around under my bras. I was afraid to draw attention to myself by turning on the light.
Where is it!?!
Finally my hand closed around something cool and heavy. My handgun. I sighed with relief and made a mental note to move it to a spot closer to my bedside. Then I grabbed Jasper, got back in bed, pulled the covers up to my neck, and put the gun in my lap, and waited. The banging had stopped again, but now I heard sawing.
SAWING!!
Omg omg omg, was all I could think. He's trying to saw his way through the door!

I didn't hear sirens, but I saw the blue lights flashing through my window. Nick was right, they were fast. A few minutes later, I heard someone knocking, not banging, at my door. I slipped the gun under my pillow and locked Jasper in the bathroom. Then I cautiously went to the door. I peeked through the blinds just to make sure it was really the police. It was.

Then I opened the door. Most of the conversation is fuzzy, but there were 4 or 5 officers, 2 of them were women. And there was the maintenance guy. THE FUCKING MAINTENANCE GUY! I was so livid. Why the fuck would he be banging on my door like a crazed psychopath at 12am on a Sunday night! I WAS SLEEPING! And he literally SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!! Not to mention, the cops treated me like I was just another dumb girl, calling the police because I heard a bird outside my window or something.
Apparently the people in the apartment below me had a leak, and he wanted to see if it was coming from under my kitchen sink. WHICH IT WASN'T! And when he asked if he could come up and check, I was like, "Seriously?? I have to get up at 5:30, can't this wait till the morning??" And one of the female cops said something really rude along the lines of, "Obviously it's important, it'll just take a second, and wouldn't you want your neighbors to do the same for you??" It was just the way she said it. Condescending. And of course she acted annoyed with me.
So alllll 6 of them came in! And I haven't exactly had a chance to clean during my 13 straight days of working. Ugh... So of course, the maintenance guy determined that the leak was NOT coming from my apartment. And then this guy cop says to me, in a rude, patronizing way,
"Ok well he can either turn of your water now, and figure out what the problem is, or you can wait till tomorrow and not have water to take a shower in the morning. But if you wanna take a shower tomorrow, he might have to come back in your apartment."
He spoke to me as if I was a child. I was too shaken up to defend myself.
"...Ok..." I said.
"Ok well you just call us again if you get scared." He said, sarcastically.
I wanted to slap the disdain and superiority off his face.
Hello?!?! I'm a single woman, who lives alone! I was dead asleep and it's midnight! How the fuck was I supposed to know it was the fucking maintenance guy!? It's not like I was expecting anyone!! And no one has ever banged on my door like that before. It literally sounded like he was trying to knock the door down! I mean, he banged on the door so hard, he scratched some of the paint off!!

As soon as I got back in bed, I called Nick. He had tried to call me a couple times, but I was too busy with the cops to answer. I told him what happened, and explained how rude the cops were.

"They shouldn't have done that. I mean, you live alone, and you're....they just shouldn't have done that." He said.

"Yea well...thanks for helping me out." I said.

"No problem. Call me if you need anything." He said.

Thank God for Nick. ((Sigh))

When I laid down, I stared up at my ceiling, and hugged Jasper close. Then I sobbed.
How easy it was for someone to rattle my cage, to make me feel unsafe. I have never felt so alone. So vulnerable.
I hardly slept a wink. I started at every single sound I heard. And my apartment faces the street, so there are a lot of sounds. ((Sigh))
Today when I get home, I'm heading straight to my apartment office and bitching somebody the fuck out.
How would you feel?? What would you do?? I mean, the maintenance guy apologized for scaring me, but I don't know what else to do. And that was completely uncalled for. I don't want anybody banging on my door at midnight unless the place is on fire! I have literally never been that scared in my life.

Fresh Start

We talked. I laid out everything for him. I asked him if he was still considering getting back together.

He said yes.

So I told him that I wanted to take it really slow and get to know each other better as friends, because I can't trust him with my heart right now. And I told him I'd be willing to put the past behind me, and forgive him, if and only if, he would completely stop talking to those 2 girls. And he said ok.

Simple as that.

"Ok."

I almost can't believe he agreed to it so readily.

Bethany says that means he cares a lot more about me than them. I guess she's right.

I asked him about the girls. I didn't tell him I went through his phone, but I asked him about them. What his relationship was with them. He said he spent some time with them, got to know them and "they're nobody". Those were his exact words.

"They're nobody."

((Sigh))

So. Here we go.

I realized that I really don't know how to be Brandon's friend. But I want to learn. And I want him to learn how to be mine.

After our conversation, Brandon said he needed to go, had errands to run, etc. But then he stayed another 20 minutes. Said he had to go again...stayed another 20 minutes. It was obvious that he didn't want to leave. But I had errands to run too, so we both left at the same time. He gave me a hug goodbye and that was it.

As for everything else...I like to think that I'm starting fresh.

And on that note, let me just lay down the law here for a second.

When I write this blog, I'm writing for brain clarity, reflection, venting, enjoyment...lots of reasons. But keep in mind, these are MY THOUGHTS. And obviously, they're not always pure, or right, and obviously not everyone is going to agree with them. And feel free to disagree! But don't judge. No one has that right.

Because when this blog stops being enjoyable, I'll stop writing.

Nobody's Perfect

This weekend I opened both Friday and Saturday, so I had my nights off to go out and do as I pleased! Well on Friday, Brandon and I went out with his sister, Summer, and her boyfriend, Dave. We hit a couple of bars and we were having a really good time.
I stopped drinking around 12:30 because I had to work Saturday at 10am, and I knew I was gonna have to drive both Brandon and myself home. Well, Summer's boyfriend, Dave, likes to go shot happy a lot! So he kept buying us all rounds of shots. I kept setting mine on the bar, or handing them out to random people, but Brandon kept drinking. So he was pretty drunk by the time we got to the shot bar, which ended up being our last stop.
When we got there, Brandon ran into a couple of girls that he and his sister knew growing up: a blond and a brunette. The brunette seemed cool enough, but the blond was totally giving me bitch vibes. And I'm not the type to get all catty on girls. Most girls just don't like me. I dunno if it's cuz I'm confident and sarcastic, or if it's cuz they're intimidated by me, or jealous, but girls who don't know me, usually just hate me right off the bat. It sucks. And this was one of those girls. So I was just ignoring her and talking to some friends. But then I turn around and I see her putting lipgloss on my boyfriend and giggling! I immediately grabbed him by the arm and swung him around to face me. He had a blank, drunk look on his face that pretty much said he had no idea what was going on.
"Hey babe! Want some lip gloss??" He slurred as he wiped some of it onto my lips.
I wiped it off right away with the back of my hand.
"No. And will you stop flirting with other girls and close your tab so we can go?" I said irritably.
"I'm just waiting for my credit card." He said.
So I sighed and resolutely turned around.
I asked the bartender to give me his tab, but he told me that Brandon had already closed out. So I turned to walk back over to Brandon, and what do I see but him slapping the brunette's ass! She was standing up on a podium, and her butt was about at eye level with him.
But that was it for me. I was soooo fucking pissed. Without saying a word, I stormed out of the bar and walked over to my bar to close my tab over there.
Bethany was working and she could tell I was upset. I told her what happened and why I had left. "Well what did you say to that stupid blond??" She asked.
"Nothing! I just told him to stop flirting with other girls."
"You should have said something to her. I would have!"
"Well, it's too late now. Whatever... When he sobers up tomorrow, we're definitely having a talk about this." I said.
Bethany empathized with me, and then I headed back over to the shot bar to see if Brandon was ready to go. I almost left him there, I was so mad, but I didn't want him driving in the state he was in, so I went back.
He was still there with his sister when I got there. The 2 sluts were gone.
"Hey Beautiful!" He said when he saw me.
"Are you ready?" I asked impatiently."Yea, let's go." He said, and he took my hand and started leading me outside.
As soon as we were out the door I stopped.
"By the way, I'm really pissed off at you right now." I said.
"What?!" He immediately went from blissfully drunk, to pissed and belligerent.
I brushed passed him and continued walking to the car, assuming he was behind me, but when I turned around, he was gone!
I ran back inside and asked around if he anyone had seen him come back in. No one had. So I went out to the parking lot where his truck was park, just in time to see him driving away!
I freaked out and ran after him. Turns out he was just moving his car to a more remote area of the parking lot so that he could take a leak.
"You can't drive." I said to him as he unzipped, "And you can't leave your car there either. You'll get towed."
"I don't care! You wanna be mad at me for no reason? Fine. Don't worry about me." He rambled on...
I sighed.
"Fine. I'll move it for you." I snatched his keys out of his pocket and got in his truck. I moved it to a parking spot where I knew it would be safe for the night. When I got out of the truck, he was gone. Again!
So I called him.
"Where are you??" I asked frantically when he picked up.
"I'm walking home." He said.
"You can't walk home. You live like an hour away! Just come back to the bar and I'll drive you."
"No! I'm not coming all the way back there!"
The conversation went on like this for quite some time and I was getting nowhere. Now I was just standing outside, in the cold, almost in tears.
That was when Tom walked up. Tom is a mutual friend and coworker, who just happens to be one of Brandon's good friends, and he's a really nice guy.
"Peyton? What's wrong??" He asked as soon as he saw me.
I just shrugged and the tears started coming. Tom hurried over to me.
"What happened??" He asked again.
I hung up the phone."It's Brandon... I don't know where he is. He's drunk and he took off on me and he said he's walking home."
"What!? He can't walk home, he'll never make it all the way out there!"
"I know!" I said, "But that's what he said."
"I'll go find him. Don't worry. Just wait here." He said, and he got in his car and drove off.
I sat on the curb and put my head on my knees.
How could this be happening?? I thought.
It seemed like forever till they came back. Brandon was passed out in the passenger seat of Tom's car.
"He was on the side of the highway!" Tom said, "I don't even know how he made it that far."
He woke him up and practically put him inside my car.
"Where are my keys? I can drive!" He said.
"No way dude." Tom said. "No way you're driving. Your truck will be fine here. You can get it tomorrow."
"Thanks Tom." I said, "I owe you one."
"Don't worry about it." He said.
And we drove off.
We sat in silence for a couple minutes, then finally I couldn't hold it in anymore.
"Don't you wanna know why I'm mad??" I asked.
He mumbled something unintelligible.
"Look. If you wanna go out and have a good time and act like you're single, that's fine. But you don't need to have a girlfriend if you're gonna do that. Because I will not be made a fool of, and I will not be disrespected like that."
"What are you talking about?" He asked.
"Uhhh, I'm talking about you smacking girls' asses and letting them put lipgloss on you." I stated.
"Fine. I'm a horrible boyfriend. You can leave me if you want."
"Shut up. You're not gonna play the guilt card on me. That's not going to work. Look, I know that you're wasted, and I'm probably not gonna get anywhere with this tonight, but I just wanna say what's on my mind right now while I'm still feeling this way. Because what you did really hurt my feelings."
He didn't respond to that, but when we got to my apartment he tried to walk the opposite direction.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"To my truck." He said.
I almost laughed. "Your truck isn't here, remember? You're staying with me."
"Oh." He said.
When we got inside he immediately went to the couch.
"I'll just sleep here tonight, since you hate me." He said.
"No, you won't. You're coming to bed. Come on."
I grabbed him by both his arms, and though he put up a good fight, I finally dragged him into the bedroom. He got in bed and almost immediately passed out. I took his jeans and his t-shirt off him and then got ready for bed myself.
Once I finally got in bed, I just wanted to cry. I took Oliver out of his cage and snuggled with him for a little bit till I felt better.
Then I rolled over and looked at the boy laying next to me. He looked so beautiful, so innocent and vulnerable, and so peaceful. And so easily he hurt me. ((Sigh))
I guess every relationship has it's downs and it's flaws. I mean, I can't expect perfection out of him.

Boy Drama

I've been spending so much time at Daniel's, that I've hardly even had the opportunity to sit down at a computer!
Austin last weekend was...ok. I mean there were just too many people, all wanting to do their own thing, and it ended up being more stressful trying to cram everything in, than it was fun! But during the day, Shane, Izzie and I did go to the greenbelt for a swim, and that was a blast! Shane's new house is awesome, and I like her roommates too. Shane and Izzie got into a little tiff on Sunday because Shane didn't want Izzie to bring her husband to brunch. Sometimes, Shane can just be really...bitchy! I mean, I dunno how else to put it. But I felt really bad for Izzie, cuz she really wanted to hang out, but she had already spent the whole day with us the day before, and her poor husband just wanted to spend some time with her! But Shane made her feel unwelcome, so she ended up not coming. I talked to Izzie about it on Monday, as I was driving home, and I apologized to her and told her I wished she would have come.
I ended up going over to Daniel's and I've spent every night there so far! And we've been having so much fun! Tuesday after work, he took me for a ride on his Ducati. OMG! It was AMAZING! Talk about a major turn-on...
We went to a couple bars to meet up with his friends, and then on our way home, I asked him to stop by my work to see if they had put up the new schedule yet. Well, they hadn't, but as I was walking back out, Gavin and Sierra were standing outside, and Daniel was sitting on the bike, in the parking lot, with the engine running, just waiting for me.
"Wow, that guy sure has on some tight pants!" Gavin said, and laughed.
I stopped, turned around, and looked at him, incredulously.
"Jealous much?" I said, and walked off.
Since when did he become the authority on fashion!? He doesn't even know how to dress himself! Seriously! And Daniel is actually a pretty good dresser, thank you very much! Not to mention, he wasn't wearing tight pants. At least not any tighter than a normal pair of jeans. He was sitting on a bike! Ugh... I just couldn't believe that. Seriously.
But whatever, I rode off into the night on a motorcycle with a hot guy, while he got to the stand there and watch with his annoying, 20 year old girlfriend. Ha!

Wednesday, Daniel and I went out again to meet his friends, and we had a minor disagreement about his smoking habits. Basically, he got kinda drunk, but I didn't since I was driving, and he just kept smoking and smoking! And I hate that! Plus he was kind of ignoring me, and I don't know any of his friends. So I was getting irritated. Then when we were in the car, driving to the next place, he asked me what was wrong.
"Well, you know I don't like smoking, and if you're actually trying to quit, that's fine. But I don't understand why you have to do it in front of me!"
"I can't believe you right now." He said.
"Why not?? You knew from the beginning that I can't stand smokers. And I'm sorry if I feel like I shouldn't have to lower my standards for anyone. I mean, not to sound cocky or anything, but other guys do ask me out."
"Oh so you're just settling for me then??"
"NO. I'm not. I really like you, which is why this bothers me so much!" I protested.
"Let me out of the car." He said. We were in the middle of the street.
"What? No!" I said, and locked the doors.
"Just let me out. I can walk from here."
"No you can't. How will you get home? I'm not letting you out."
"I'll find a ride, just let me out!"
"Seriously??? Are you really getting this dramatic on me right now? Why can't you just talk to me?"
"Because. I have nothing to say to you." He said. And then he got out! (We were at a red light.)
So I turned the car around, and ended up parking it in some random person's driveway and literally chasing him. So ridiculous...
In the end, we talked and worked it out, but I still haven't forgotten his dramatics. I mean, he apologized to me that night, and then again the next morning. And he admitted he was pretty drunk, but who wants to deal with that kind of drama!? I thought I graduated from high school. ((sigh))

Valentine's Day and Kosovo's Independence

So yesterday, I typed an entire blog, and then my computer froze and the whole thing got deleted. You can imagine I was pretty pissed. And I didn't have time yesterday to retype the whole thing. But here goes...

Wednesday
I went into work at 7. It was realllly slow, and I was incredibly bored. I went to look at my phone around 9:30 and saw that I had one missed call. Jake The Door Guy!!! What a pleasant surprise! Almost immediately afterwards, he showed up. He walked right up to me, said hi and gave me a high five.

"When are you gettin' off?" he asked.
"I should be getting off in about 30 minutes!" I said, "Why? What's goin' on?"
"Well we're heading over to The Porch Swing. You should come!" he said.
"Ok. Well I might. How 'bout I give you a call when I get outa here?" I didn't wanna seem too eager.
"Ok sounds good."

I got off at 10 on the dot, and called Jake The Door Guy for directions. As it turned out, they were over at the shot bar, waiting on Blinn to finish a beer. So I went and met them over there. It was Jake, Blinn, Gavin, and Jake's friend, Darius. Sometimes it's really nice to be the only girl! We headed over to Porch Swing and had a couple drinks. It's a new bar that just opened up, and of course Blinn is friends with the owner. Jake and Gavin and I got into a pretty involved conversation about high school band. Haha. We were both in it all 4 years. I had so much fun talking to him! I noticed he doesn't come out of his shell very often around large crowds. So it was like I was really getting to know him in his element, ya know? Just as one of the guys. It was cool. We ended up going back to our work around 1, and then Jake The Door Guy had to leave, because his friend had to work tomorrow and they'd ridden together. Poo. Oh well. I still had a lot of fun.

Valentine's Day
All us girls had planned to go out for sushi, at 8pm. I had to work at 10, but everyone else was gonna barhop in midtown after dinner. However, "all us girls" ended up being just me, Amanda and Charlotte ((groan)). Melissa and Lindsey (a cute blonde in our group that I've recently gotten to know and like) were supposed to come, but since they both have boyfriends, they ended up spending the evening in.
At 5:30 I started getting ready to go, and while I was in the shower, FB called and left me a message.

"Hey Peyton, it's (Friend Boy). I just wanted to call and wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. Uhh...I hope your day is going good. Anyways I just...wanted to let you know I was thinkin' about you on Valentine's Day.
Talk to you later.
Bye."

Awwwwwe! How sweet! I was planning on pretty much ignoring the holiday all together.

Well at 7:15, I was in my car and on my way to the sushi place. I sent a text to Amanda to make sure everyone was gonna be on time. Then she wrote back and said she was waiting on Charlotte to get to her house, because she was supposed to fix her hair. Ugh. I tried calling Charlotte 3 times, but she didn't answer! How rude! I mean, you don't make plans with people, and then make everyone wait on you! Especially when some people have other shit to do! I was starting to wonder if I was even gonna have time to eat before work.
I was the first person to get to the restaurant, of course, and there was a 45-minute wait. Ugh. I was starting to get really pissed. But then I managed to nab us a table in the bar area, and finally the girls showed up. The sushi was delicious, and even though Melissa and Lindsey weren't there, we still had fun.
I got to work, and it was insanely busy!! Which was good, because it made the night go by faster, but I was definitely getting sick of watching people make out and dry hump all night.
Around 12:30, FB shows up with some of his friends.
"Hey!" I said. I was pretty surprised to see him.
"Hi. How's your night going?" he asked.
"Um..." I glanced around at the hordes of drunk people, "Ok I guess."
Just then, he pulled a dozen red roses out from under the bar and handed them to me. I was so shocked, I'm sure I was blushing furiously.
"Oh my gosh! You didn't have to do this!"
"I know. But I wanted to." he said.
"Thank you...so much." I said, taking the flowers.

I was really touched by his gesture, and also really worried. Because lately I've kinda been feeling like the spark between FB and I is fading. I mean...ever since his work hiatus, and then with Jake The Door Guy coming into play... I dunno. This always happens to me! I never want the guys I should want! And now suddenly, FB is acting all...coupley! Ugh...
Well, he and his friends didn't stay long. He said he just wanted to stop by, tell me Happy V-Day and give me the flowers. So I thanked him again, and gave him a kiss on the cheek before he left. It did cheer my night up considerably.
But while we were shutting down the bar, I couldn't help but glance at the front door every 5 minutes to see if Jake The Door guy was coming over. They usually finish cleaning at the shot bar first, and then come over for a couple beers. But of course, he never showed up. Oh well...there's always Friday.

Friday
I went into work at 3 to open the bar, still completely exhausted from the night before. I worked a small happy hour party in the back bar, and ended up getting off at 8. I came prepared with a change of clothes to go out in after work, since Melissa and the girls were supposed to be meeting up for another Girl's Night Out. I pulled my hair back into a couple of pins, and I put on a pair of peacock feather earrings with a matching necklace. I even did my eye makeup with a royal blue eyeliner, and green and gold eye shadow to match. Considering I had just gotten off work, I felt pretty put together!
Once everyone showed up, we hung out at my bar for a while and had some drinks. Then we headed over to the shot bar, because honestly, I really wanted to see Jake The Door Guy! But it was pretty crowded over there, and he was too busy to chat. So we all headed inside. Well, it turned out that Friend Boy and his entire crew was there! And his entire crew just happened to include Lindsey and Melissa's boyfriends. So much for our girl’s night! Now let me explain what went down.
Ever since I met FB, he's been "trying" to quit smoking. And let me just state for the record, I hate smoking. It's smelly, and disgusting, and a total turnoff. And the last time FB and I hung out, he told me I would never see him smoke another cigarette, because it was bad for his health.
Well on Friday night, he must have smoked at least 5 cigarettes. Ew. At one point, I even said something along the lines of, "Would you rather smoke that cigarette, or make out with me?"
And he chose the cigarette!! Ugh.
So I left him to his devices and went to mingle. I found Melissa and Tim and went to talk to them. I immediately told Melissa the story about what had just happened with FB.
Tim mumbled something unintelligible and rolled his eyes.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing..." Tim said.
"No, tell me!" I persisted.
"It's just...(Friend Boy). I can't stand him." He finally admitted. And I was pretty shocked to hear this, because FB always said he and Tim were good friends since high school. Although I did always think it was kind of odd that they never hung out when they were supposed to be such good friends.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He just thinks so highly of himself! And it's just because he has money. He's always bragging and lording it over everybody. Dude...none of the guys understand why you're dating him. You're like...supercool and he's..." Tim trailed off.
"Hmm..." I though aloud. It wasn't the first time I'd heard these things about FB, even though I'd never seen them firsthand. But it was still a bit unsettling.
I found FB in the crowd by the bar, ordering rounds of shots. Several rounds of shots, I might add. When Jayme told him she wasn't going to serve him anymore, he practically through a hissyfit.
"What?? Is she really not gonna give me any more drinks?! I tipped that chick a hundred bucks!" he complained.
I raised my eyebrows in surprise at his tip comment.
"Yea, but...you're clearly drunk. And it's her call to make whether she feels comfortable serving you or not." I explained.
"I just can't believe that." he huffed.
The more time I spent with FB on Friday night, the less I was enjoying his company. Is this really the kind of guy that he is? Maybe I was being a little hard on him though. I wasn't about to give up on him yet.
At the end of the night, he asked if I would drive him home, and I said sure. I figured it would be a good opportunity for us to talk. And talk we did.
I told him I thought we'd moved too fast physically, and it was causing the lines in our situation to become confused and blurred. I said I thought we should slow down and maybe get to know each other better. And we talked about The Psycho a little bit. He didn't divulge anything about his ex. All he said was, "I've seen a lot of shit. And I don't talk about it with anyone." Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...
When we got to his place, I went upstairs with him; we were still deep in conversation. He must have been really drunk though, because he kept trying to get me to take shots of vodka with him, or drink some wine. I'd stayed sober the whole night because I'm trying to save money. (I really want a Macbook Air!!) So I refused his offer for more drinks. Then he went out onto his patio and smoked another cigarette!! Even though he knows how much it bothers me. But it gets better. When he came back inside, he kept trying to make out with me, and talking about sex. Had he not been listening to anything I was saying earlier?!?
Again, I told him no, I wasn't comfortable with that. He was noticeably put off, but I didn't care. I left his apartment feeling frustrated, and annoyed. It's like the guy has 2 personalities! There's this really sweet, doting guy, who surprises me with flowers. And then there's this selfish, boastful, sex-craving, chain smoker, who I do not like at all.
Either way, I've made the decision that Friend Boy, while he is a decent guy, is definitely not the guy for me. ((sigh))

Saturday
I lounged around most of the day, which was nice. I had plenty of time to mill things over. I have to somehow figure out how to tell FB that this isn't going to work for me. Definitely not looking forward to that... And I want to subtly pursue Jake The Door Guy, while also appearing aloof and semi-unavailable. Lol. That shouldn't be an easy task either.
I had to work at 10. And I actually got to work in the well next to Bethany, so that definitely made the night go by quicker! We chatted and caught up throughout the night. I told her all about FB. And she told me about her Valentine's Day with Tugg. I also found out that at midnight, it would officially be Day Zero of Kosovo's independence. And since I work with 3 Albanian's, this was reason to celebrate. So after work, a huge group (including Jake The Door Guy!) headed over to Blinn's apartment to party. I even happened to have my camera with me, so I took tons of fun pictures.
But before I can really launch into the story of the night, I have to give you guys a bit of background on Jake and Valerie. Valerie is one of our waitresses. I know I've mentioned her before in the post where I made out with Blinn. Read back if you must, it's a pivotal post. Anyway, she's a huge bitch. And she's kind of crazy. I mean seriously, nobody at work likes her because she's a psycho bitch!! She's also like...the workplace whore. And she always preys on the new guys, you know before they really get to know anybody, or get to know about her reputation. I feel kind of bad for them actually. Well, unfortunately, Jake was one of those guys. He told me she made him feel welcome when did didn't know anybody, and that she seemed cool at first.
Well they hooked up for about a week before he came to his senses I guess. And now she's angry and bitter about it. Surprise surprise. So at the party, I noticed Jake kind of lurking in the corner by himself. So I walked up to him.
"Why don't you join us?" I asked.
"I dunno, I just like to watch people I guess." he said.
"Hm. Interesting..." I said with a sideways glance.
Just then, Valerie approached.
"You know if you were actually nice to people, you wouldn't be standing over here in the corner by yourself with no one to talk to!" she spat, in her drunken stupor.
"I'm talking to him." I said. But she just gave me a dirty look at continued to rail him. She was saying things like, he needed to "man up" and apologize to her for being such an asshole, and, "You know what your problem is?? You're aggressive! And I don't mean in bed!"
And he was literally just standing there staring blankly through her, not saying anything. I just stood there, my eyes practically popping out of my head. Then it started to get really awkward to I shuffled off in the opposite direction. I gave him a look that said, "I'm sorry! I tried!" as I walked away.
I went to talk to Nick about it.
"You know he's the only reason she's even here. Dude...she's crazy." He said.
"Yea...I feel kinda bad for Jake." I said.
Valerie was literally in Jake's face. If I'd have been in his position, I probably would have hit her.
Unsurprisingly, Jake The Door Guy left soon after that episode. And coincidentally, so did Valerie. What a fucking bitch! I mean, seriously! If you want a guy to actually like you, you can't sleep with every guy you work with!! Ugh. I hate her.
Around sunrise, I decided I should probably head home. When I got out to my car, I noticed I had a text from John. He had been at the party too.
"Sleep well sunshine." It said. WTF??
"I don't get you." I responded.
"Well you're not so clear yourself." He wrote.
Whatever. I'm not even going to mess with that. I don't feel like trying to figure him out. It's too much work.
I crashed out as soon as I got home. It was nice.
So now, I'm still here with my dilemma with FB and Jake The Door Guy. I mean, I can tell that Jake is a nice guy, but he's kind of...shy. Well, not shy, per sé, but he's not good with large crowds. So it's harder to draw him out. And I don't know how I'm going to tell Friend Boy that I don't like him anymore. He's called me twice since that night, and left me a Facebook message. I responded to his message, but I haven't returned his calls. ((sigh)) I'm just not ready to have that conversation yet.

Demetri Of The Day:
“About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’ (Ladies, that’s not true)”