First Day of Summer

Sorry it's been so long, but I did warn you guys that it might be difficult to post with finals and moving. But school is out as of Wednesday, and I've been in my new place for two weeks now! It's great. Cluttered, but great. I'm still working on unpacking, but I know everything will be ready in time for my house-warming/birthday party in a couple of weeks. I'm gonna start blogging regularly again, now that the insanity is over. So I'm just gonna try to briefly catch you guys up on everything that's been going on...

The move went smoothly, all things considered. Katie helped me paint the new place (a light, minty turquoise, which I love!) before I actually moved in. I have been trying to unpack a few boxes each day, but I feel like I just have so many projects to do! Shelves/curtains/pictures to hang. I've turned into quite the self-taught handyman. Lol. Sorta...
Anyway, Bethany and Carrie are both coming to visit for my birthday weekend!! I'm so excited. Taryn was supposed to come too, but apparently she has been taking a lot of trips lately so she couldn't afford to come. But Carrie and Bethany and I are definitely going to have a blast. I'm also going to be hosting a housewarming/birthday party while they're here. So that should be fun, plus it's a good goal for me to have as far as getting my place in tip-top shape.

Now onto the next topic: online dating. So far, it has been horrible. For one, it literally feels like a chore having to go through all these messages and filtering out everyone who so obviously doesn't meet my aforementioned requirements. Why bother messaging me if you live halfway across the country, when it clearly states in my profile that I don't want a long distance relationship!? Ugh... I've been on ONE whopping date. And that guy turned out to be a stalker. Literally. He will not stop texting me. I tried to let him down easy... After our first date, I realized that I was not attracted to him and we had no chemistry, but I was nice to him, because he was a nice guy. So I just sort of slowly decreased our interactions. Basically I took longer to respond to his texts until eventually I just didn't respond at all. Well this date we went on took place in mid-April. The last time I responded to one of his texts was on April 21, when I told him that I was too busy with finals and moving to go out with him. I figured he would get the hint eventually if I just stopped texting him, but clearly, he hasn't gotten it yet. I got another text message from him about 20 minutes ago (4am!!) asking me if I'm awake! WTF DUDE?! SERIOUSLY!? He has sent me now 10 messages over the last 2 weeks, all of which I have ignored and he still won't leave me alone. Thank god I've moved and he know longer knows where I live. (I allowed him to drive me home from our date.) Anyways, so I'm feeling very discouraged and frustrated with the online dating thing. I've decided it's definitely not for me, but I have like a month and a half left of my subscription, so I'm stuck with it for now. ((Sigh))

Anyway, when I got home a little bit ago, I was unpacking a small box full of old birthday cards and such, and I was reading through them when I found one from Brandon. It was a Valentine's Day card. He wrote, "I know at times it may seem like I don't care very much about things, but I just want you to know how special you are to me in my heart. Lots of love and smiles, Brandon."
And there was one of those little recorded voice things in it, and he said my nickname, just a silly pet name he'd given me, and then it started playing the song My Girl. It was really weird seeing that because I've finally developed enough distance and detachment that I'm not automatically filled with regret at the thought of Brandon. It wasn't a feeling of loss,it was just...emptiness. Not loneliness, but melancholy I guess. I don't know, I just feel...unfulfilled. Hungry. I mean, I want love so badly, but I just can't seem to find it. And there doesn't really seem to be anything I can do to help myself. ((Sigh))

Well, I should go to sleep. It's 4:24am and I'm meeting Sophie and Brent for brunch at 12:30. Tomorrow is my first official day of summer. No school and no work. And I plan to thoroughly enjoy it.

The Search is On

For a new roommate that is.
Joey is moving out. He's going back to the burbs, which is where he spends 90% of his time already. It just makes sense for him to move back. So Dane and I have begun the search for his replacement. On the one hand, I'm kind of excited. I mean, this is a potential opportunity for me to make a new friend, or friends! But on the other hand, I'm dreading it because what if this person turns out to really suck!? And I just really don't want a female roommate. I intentionally picked a place with 2 guys because I don't want to live with girls. Just...too much drama. I expressed this opinion to Dane, and he understands, but we are both going to have an equal say in the new roomie, so hopefully it won't be someone I hate.

I'm leaving for New Orleans in 4 days! I can't wait. I'm really excited to see my family, and maybe Todd too. I still haven't told him I'm coming, and I'm not even sure if he'll be back in NOLA yet, but I'm gonna text him when I get there.

And when I get back from NOLA, I think I'm gonna have to start looking for a new job. I'm not really making any money where I'm at now, they're not giving me enough shifts, and there's just so much bullshit that comes with working at that place! They want us to advertise all their specials on our facebook pages, check in every time we get to work, get 10 emails per shift so they can spam their customers... And if we don't get emails, we get our shifts taken away! WTF?!
Hire a fucking marketing person for that shit. That's soooo fucking annoying to me. What if I decide to apply for a professional job in the near future and they find me on facebook and see all this crap about some bar littering my profile! How is that going to make me look??? Not to mention, I only have like two friends in Chicago right now, so my "advertising" isn't even doing them any good! It's just pointless!
And they expect us to just drop everything to help them decorate, and go to trash pickups, when they don't pay us. They say it's voluntary, but when we don't show up, we get bitched at. It's fucking bullshit dude. I'm so sick of working there. I really like my coworkers, but it's just not worth it to me anymore. Ugh. I'm so sick of bartending. I can't wait till I'm done with school and I can get a real job and not have to worry about this shit anymore. UUUUGGHHHH!!!

Ok sorry, that was my rant for the day.

I'm just so relieved that summer has officially started, and I'm about to take a much needed vacation!
Ahhhhh....

So I Met This Guy...

So my 4th of July weekend was pretty relaxed. Well...most of it anyway. Bethany and I finally talked and worked things out. Apparently we'd both been feeling a little slighted by each other. And we both apologized and promised to hang out and call each other more. And so far, so good!
Sunday, a small group of us went out on the boat, but we didn't bring the wakeboards or the tube or anything cuz we figured there would be too many people out on the lake. Even though it ended up being a very quiet day at the lake. But we just docked on the sandbar and hung out. We only stayed for a few hours, since we didn't really have anything to do, so we got back well before dark. Then we all went home, washed up and met for dinner. Summer had to leave early to go to work, but Bethany and I, Ben, and some of his friends all headed out to the Washington strip for drinks. I wasn't intending to stay out too late, because even though I didn't have to go to work the next day, I figured I would anyway, just to get the hours.
But then I met Kevin. Lol. Kevin is a friend of a friend, and as it turns out, we have a lot of friends in common, including Bethany, and I still can't fathom how it is that we've never met before now! But I saw Bethany stop to say hi to him, and when she got back to the table, I immediately asked her who he was. He's about 6 feet tall, dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, a boyish smile, and a great sense of style. Meaning, he doesn't go out in True Religion jeans and a button up shirt like every other douchebag on Washington.
So as soon as I expressed my interest to Bethany, she insisted we go over and talk to them, so that I could meet him. And we did! After a while, Bethany left us to go back to the table where Ben and his friends were sitting, but I stayed to hang out with Kevin and Dave, our mutual friend. Dave tends to get a little crazy when he drinks, ordering shots for everyone, etc. And I was feeling a little tired, so we immediately took a couple shots, "to wake me up". Haha. It wasn't exactly the right setting for Kevin and I to sit and talk, but Dave insisted that I go with them to the next bar. So I said I would talk to my friends, and hopefully meet them there. And they left.
Well, when we got to the next bar, they had already moved on! And I had no idea where they'd gone, so I texted Dave. And he must have been a bit tipsy by this point, because as many time as I told him I didn't drive, and I didn't have a car, he kept telling me to come meet them at Nox. And Nox was not walking distance from where I was! Finally Dave said his phone was about to die, and to text Kevin. He gave me Kevin's number, and I immediately texted him. But by this time, it was about 1am. Bethany had already turned in for the night, and I ended up running into a bunch of people from my bar, so I just hung out with them. Kevin was texting me that he wanted to come meet me, but he couldn't find Dave, and he needed to close the tab.
Well, at the end of the night, we were still texting, but I never saw him again, and I ended up going home, still with good intentions of going to work the next day.
Yea, that didn't happen! Lol. I was way too tired when my alarm went off, three and a half hours later! So I just stayed home. Oh well, National Holiday, I thought to myself as I rolled over and went back to sleep.

So the past 3 days that have gone by, Kevin and I have been texting each other back and forth. And I've been trying, quite unsuccessfully, to get a read on him. I even tried pumping Dave for information, but he was no help. He just kept telling me to "hang out with him, make friends, and see what happens." Or to just "get drunk and have sex with him. Bahaha." ((sigh))
And although Kevin has continued to engage me in text message conversations, there hasn't been any talk of hanging out! So by yesterday afternoon I was really starting to lose my patience with him. So finally I just asked, "Sooo...did you wanna hang out or something, or what?"
Kevin: Yes, I do...
Kevin: I have to get fitted for new running shoe inserts at 6-7.
Me: Lol you're a dork. Well I didn't mean like...right now.
Kevin: Haha ya, a huge dork.
Me: Well don't worry, we have that in common.
Kevin: Well I'm taking back the huge dork part, maybe just a little. haha.
Me: Awe!

At this point, I went over to Bethany's to have dinner and hang out, since she was leaving for Florida, to visit her boyfriend the next day. So Kevin didn't respond for a while. But then around 8, I got another text from him.

Kevin: Got my new sneakers you want to run in the rain?!
Me: Lol it's not raining anymore!

Another hour goes by...

Kevin: You missed the run and I still have no help unpacking.
Me: Ahh that's a shame! Well I was helping Bethany pack for her trip. I can help you unpack tomorrow if ya want!
Kevin: Sounds like a great idea!

Kevin is in the process of moving into a new place, so he's been spending most of his free time moving and unpacking boxes, with no help. :( So the other day, I told him I might be persuaded to help him unpack, and he said, "I think I can work on that!"

So we finally have plans tonight! I think... I hope...
I'm gonna take it slow with him. Bethany said he's a relationship kinda guy, and Dave said he's not a player, and I dunno, I think I'm a relationship kinda girl. So I'm just gonna see what happens. I'm obviously NOT going to sleep with him, but a kiss? Maybe... :)

I'll keep you guys posted!

Goodbye

I can't stop crying. I'm on the verge of hyperventilating. Summer and Bethany found a cell phone in a cab tonight. And it just happens to be Law School's. What are the fucking chances???
They read me most of the text messages between him and Melissa, which go back like 3 weeks. She told him everything I said. About how I had feelings for him, I was just trying to suppress them.. That whole conversation I posted!!! She fucking sent it to him!!! Just like Jayme did. And they even joked about who's friend I was. Now they both talk like I'm some psycho, and she is supposedly my "Best friend??"" Who does that??

I'm sorry if you guys don't understand where I'm coming from.

I can't write in this blog anymore. i just can't deal with everything I'm being forced to deal with, on top of all the criticism.
I can't trust anyone.
Not even my "best friend".

So this is it.
I'm done.

Caught Up In A Book

I know I haven't written in a while, but it's because I'm reading The Pillars of the Earth and I CANNOT put it down! It's so good!!

Anyways, I finally talked to Todd. Monday night I noticed on his FB page that he and Andrew are throwing their party this weekend, and my feelings were really hurt that he didn't invite me. But then again...I did tell him that I didn't wanna talk to him for a while, so I figured it was my own fault. And I decided to call him.
He answered the phone on the first ring. He was in the car with Andrew. We chatted for a bit, but I still felt kind of awkward. He did invite me to the party, but obviously, at such late notice there was no way I would be able to get off work at the bar. I wouldn't have gone anyways, it's just...still a little weird for me. Mostly I just feel discredited, and like he thinks I'm crazy or something. Melissa has told me so many things that Jayme has said about me, like that I told her I was going to "murder her in her sleep" for dating Todd, etc etc... So I'm sure she repeated those things to Todd, and I dunno... I just feel like when it comes to Jayme, Todd is completely deaf to everything I say. Our conversation was short, and unfulfilling, and I got off the phone with him still feeling sad, and empty about our relationship. He's going to be home for Easter though, so I'm hoping we can talk and hang out and maybe things can start getting back to normal.

I just got a text message from Brandon. What. Thefuck.

Oh. He just wanted to know if I'm working tonight because he has my Christmas present from Summer. Yea, that's how long it's been since Summer and I have hung out! I miss her. I can't wait till it gets warm again and we can start going out on Mark's boat on Sundays! I hope we do anyway. He has a "serious" girlfriend now, and I'm not sure how she will feel about all us girls coming along on their weekend expeditions to the lake. But we'll see...

There are a couple things I would like to mention about Brandon, since we're sort of on the subject. The last 2 weeks at work have been weird. Not as far as I'm concerned, because it's gotten to the point where I can really be nice to Brandon now. I'm not mad at him anymore, and I don't feel the need to be hostile or defensive. It's all faded away, finally. Which is nice. And I think because of that, he feels like he doesn't know how to act around me?? I'm not sure. But 2 people have said some strange things to me in the past couple of weeks.

1) Greg made a comment 2 weeks ago, while he and I were doing inventory. I was talking about saving the elephants (they are endangered and there are only enough of them left on the planet to fill 1/3 of a football stadium!!!) and Brandon said something negative, I can't even remember what. But he said it just for the sake of disagreeing with me, because that's what he always does. And I just said, "Well I think you are being negative, and I don't like it", in a jokingly haughty tone. And Greg said, "You two stop flirting so we can finish inventory!"
And I was so shocked, and taken aback by his comment that I was speechless! Literally. Speechless. So I continued calling bottles out to him without another word.
Then later that same night, I was telling Greg about how Nick, my creepy neighbor, was stalking me, and I laughingly pleaded him to come home with me and pretend to be my boyfriend. Brandon was standing nearby, but he wasn't part of our conversation, and I didn't even think he was listening, but he said something unintelligible to Greg, and then Greg said something unintelligible back, but I heard my name.

"What did you say??" I asked Greg.

"Oh, nothing! I'm not going to repeat it or I might get my ass kicked!" He said.

"WHAT?? Tell me what you said!" I protested, but he wouldn't.

Then, finally, when Brandon left the room, he told me that he said, "Well if you wanna go home with Peyton, I'll cover for you."

And I was like, "WHY would you say that???" But he just shook his head, shrugged and smiled.

????

2) One of our kind of new girls (not so new anymore, but still new to me), her name is Amelia, who I actually really like, made a comment last week, that Brandon still flirts with me all the time. And I argued that he doesn't, but she just smiled and raised her eyebrows at me, and insisted that he does.

But I don't know. I'm still sticking by my theory that he just doesn't know how to act around me anymore. But the idea that he might someday realize what he threw away, and beg me to take him back, is still somewhat thrilling. I know I don't want to be with him, and it would never work out between us, but there are still residual feelings there, lying dormant, deep inside of me somewhere. Because even now, my heart is still racing after seeing his name pop up unexpectedly on my phone. ((sigh))

I wish he didn't have that power over me. I don't even know why he does. It's just like, every time I see him, I'm so aware of him, it drives me crazy!

Anyways, I'm officially calling it quits with Tennis Shoes Dave. I'm just not attracted to him, and I just can't make myself be attracted to him. I'm tired of wasting my time with guys I'm not really that into. He's nice and all but...the chemistry's just not there. And I'm so busy, all I wanna do is have fun and be single when I have spare time.
Ali and I have been hanging out a lot lately, because she just got dumped, and she's been really depressed. So she's been calling me and texting me every day, and we went to the movies on Tuesday. Last Sunday, Taryn and I did a little bit of Sunday Funday. I miss that! Being able to go out all day Sundays, and have fun with my girlfriends. So now, me, Ali, Taryn, and technically Bethany (but not really, cuz she's been seeing Ben's cousin, unofficially) are all single!
Alli and I are gonna hang out this Sunday, so Taryn will probably come too.

And next Saturday, I got the night off! Jenna and I are supposed to hang out, and Todd's gonna be in town, but I haven't decided if I'm gonna invite him out with us yet. I'm sure Jenna will be against that.

But right now I feel like things are really looking up. This morning, me, Veronica and Dana (my officemates) had a meeting with the head honcho boss lady about our projects. We were all really nervous about it, cuz she asks a lot of hard hitting, randomb, obscure questions, that almost no one knows the answers to off the top of their head, but it went surprisingly well! And she thanked us, and told us we were really helpful. So things at work have been good.
And I am really, completely, actually and totally no strings attached. To anyone!

And I feel so carefree! Tonight is going to be a good night at work. I can tell, cuz I'm in such a good mood!

Up In The Air

I haven't updated in a while because...well it's been pretty quiet around here. Nothing really to write about! But I think I've saved up enough little things over the past few days for an entry by now.
Ben and Summer broke up. Another stupid drunken fight... And Ben has been driving me crazy for the past week, texting me, asking me what to do, how he can get her back, he heard she went on a date with her ex and they're getting back together... Ugh.
I keep telling him to just STOP! Ignore her. Don't call her. Don't text her. Just leave her alone. She's not getting back with her ex, he's just a rebound, as usual. But he won't listen! AHHH! I know she still loves him. And I'm certain they will work it out eventually and get back together, but like I told Ben, she's never going to get over it if he keeps badgering her! She wants some space!
Anyways, so Ben said he wanted to hang out this week, and we decided on today. I convinced Taryn to come along with us, so that I wouldn't get stuck sitting there alone, listening to Ben sob about Summer. And then I invited Todd, cuz he's back for a week or so. We decided on a movie. But then Taryn backed out cuz someone offered her Mariah Carey (ew!) tickets! So now it's just me, Ben and Todd tonight. Ben and Todd have met, and are cool, but still...I'm afraid it's going to be awkward. But we'll find out I guess...

Things on the Todd front have been...inconclusive. I finally talked to him about the whole Laura situation. He said he knew she was expecting him to propose this Spring, and he wasn't planning on it, so he told her not to expect anything. And then she basically gave him an ultimatum, so he broke up with her. And they haven't talked since. Until yesterday...

I'm sitting at my desk at work, and my cell starts vibrating, and it's her! I did a double take. Why the hell would Laura be calling me??

"Hello?" I said in a hushed voice, crouching down in my cubicle.

"Hey Peyton..."

"Hey, what's up?"

"Did I wake you up??" She asked.

"Oh, no no. I'm just talking quietly cuz I'm at work, and I don't get a lot of privacy here."

"Oh, ok. Well...I just wanted to...to call and apologize..."

"Apologize?? For what??" I interrupted.

"For Sunday night, after the Superbowl, you know, if I was being...a downer." She trailed off.

"No, not at all! Don't worry about it. You were wasted. It happens. Hell, I was just as bad on Friday night, and did you forget that I almost puked at breakfast on Saturday??"

She laughed, but I could tell it was strained.

"I was so nervous to call you. I just...I didn't mean to get that drunk. I only had 2 drinks! I've never been like that before, and Todd said that you and Reese had to take me into the bathroom and talk to me, which I don't even remember, and I just feel really embarrassed..."

"You talked to Todd?" I asked, surprised.

"Yea, I sort of, accidentally ran into him earlier today... Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for being so drunk and everything."

"It's no big deal. Seriously. Don't worry about it." I said.

She sighed. "Ok well...I guess I'll...talk to you later."

Awkward... I could tell she really didn't know what to say here, since we most likely would NOT be talking again later. But what else do you say?

"Sure, yea. I'll talk to you later." I said. And we hung up.

Well that was weird! I thought. She was the last person I expected to get a call from. I immediately started to wonder and worry if she and Todd had talked and decided to work things out. So I sent Todd a text:

So you ran into Laura today? How was that??

Todd: Yea, how'd you know?

Me: She called me!

Todd: Are you serious?? Why??

Me: To apologize about Sunday

Todd: Oh god, she's really calling everybody?? I'm sorry about that.

Me: No, it's no big deal. I mean, that's what I told her. She just feels embarrassed I guess.

Todd: Hey is it ok if I call you in a bit, cuz I'm driving.

Me: Sure. I get off in 15.

So we talked after I got off work, and Todd explained that Laura didn't know he was back in town, and went over to his parents house to drop off some stuff, and there he was. So they talked for a minute, and he mentioned something to her about Sunday night, and how crazy she was acting. And then she said she would call everyone and apologize, but he told her not to, cuz that would be even more weird. Then apparently she tried to kiss him, but he turned away and told her he was sick. Which is true, but he also told me that he's sticking to his guns, and not giving into her this time. It's really over. So that was kind of a relief. We talked a little bit longer and that's when I invited him to the movies with me, Taryn and Ben.
But now Ben's saying he just wants to do dinner so we can chat. Hopefully Todd is cool with that. Maybe just Todd and I can go to a movie afterwards...?

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about my feelings. I wanna take it slow because I don't wanna overwhelm him, or spring anything on him. He needs time to be single. He's told me. Apparently a bunch of girls have been asking him out lately, since they learned of his newfound bachelorhood. ((Sigh)) I don't wanna miss my chance, but I have to be very careful going about this. I do want to tell him how I feel, but I don't wanna just be like, "I like you and I'm willing to wait around for as much time as you need to go off and fuck other girls, or whatever!" Because that makes me seem too available, and borderline desperate. I'm leaning more towards the "Let's test the waters, and just see where it goes, no pressure, no relationship-talk" approach. It's just a matter of figuring out how to tell him that.

And I don't even know if I'll have the opportunity to get into any of this tonight, or any time soon. But he said he wants to hang out more when he starts feeling better. He had a 104 degree fever on Monday! But anyways, I'm open to more suggestions on how to broach the subject!

In other news, Cecilia and I finally have plans to hang out! We're gonna go see Dierks Bentley at the rodeo. I'm not a big country listener, but I like it every now and then, and Dierks is superhot, and Cecilia is a big fan. Plus, we haven't hung out in a really long time, so I'm excited! Nick and I are going to the Cook Off together as well. I invited Todd to that too, cuz he's never been!! But he's not sure if he'll still be in Houston by then. So it's all still up in the air.

Tough Love

So last night, right after I got in bed of course, I get a text from Bethany that says, "I'm moving in ;)" and I'm like, FUUUUUUUUUUCK.

So I call her, just...completely frustrated and exasperated. I just wanted to go to sleep!
So I'm like, "Look, I really don't think you moving in here is a good idea."

"Why?"

I sighed, "Because of a lot of things that we need to talk about I just didn't wanna bring it up before, because you had so much other stuff going on, and I didn't wanna pile anything else on your plate."

"I gotta go." She said quickly and hung up.

Whatever! I thought, and I laid back down and pulled the covers up over my head.
Ten minutes later, the phone rang. Bethany.

"Hello?"
"Ok so...why don't you think it's a good idea that I move in with you?" She asked in an accusing tone.

"Because, lately I've been feeling like this is a one-sided friendship! As soon as I started this new job, it was like you just...replaced me with Summer! And I'm not jealous of Summer or anything, it's just... No one ever calls me anymore, nobody returns my phone calls, you guys are always doing stuff, and I never know what's going on. And it's like...you don't even care what's going on in my life! And I mean, after I took you to the game, I never saw you or heard from you again, it was like you didn't even appreciate it! And then I go all this time without hearing from you, and as soon as you break up with Tugg and you need me to be there for you, then you start calling me again."

"Ok, first of all, I did thank you, several times while we were there, for taking me to the game. And you were talking shit about me, right in front of my face, to your mom on the phone, on the way home!"

"No. I wasn't talking shit. I was pissed off, and you knew exactly why, and I had absolutely no problem saying that in front of you! I mean, you knew why I was there. I wanted to watch Todd play, and I wanted to get there early, but none of you cared about that when you were curling your hair and putting on your fake eyelashes! What that said to me, was you didn't appreciate it, and you were only worried about yourself."

"Well I'm sorry, " She huffed, "But I did appreciate you taking me, and the phone works 2 ways, Peyton! You could have called me too! And I can't believe you're sitting here telling me what a shitty friend I am when I'm dealing with a crisis here! I just ended a 6 year relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry!"

"See, THIS is exactly what I'm talking about. I don't think you're a "shitty friend". And I know you're dealing with a lot of stuff! And that's why I never said anything, but it's like you've been so selfish lately! You can't see anything outside your own bubble, Bethany. And how many times are you going to do this back and forth shit? I mean think about Tugg! Think about what you're doing to him! I mean, you break up, then you get back together, then you continue talking to Ben's cousin, even though you know it's a bad idea. Every time you do this, you call me wanting my advice, but you never listen! So what's the point?? If you have to break up with Tugg, fine! But don't keep stringing him along and dragging everybody else into your shit, because it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to your friends! How are we supposed to be there for you when you do this so much it's exasperating!? How am I supposed to know when to take you seriously? That's why I don't think it's a good idea for you to move in. Because...I just don't think it's in the best interest of our friendship right now. And I do love you, and I do value our friendship, but I just think you need to do this on your own."

Bethany sighed and I could feel her deflating. I knew I'd been a little bit hard on her, but I really felt like she needed to hear that. Better coming from me, someone who does really care about her, than from someone else though, right?
After that, we talked a little bit longer, and we both agreed that we both need to put more effort into our friendship. Tugg was in Vegas this past weekend and when he came back, she told him she just wasn't in love with him anymore. And I guess he was tired of yelling and crying about it, so he just said ok. And I'm not really that surprised about it, because I'm sure Tugg realized on his trip, that being single isn't the worst thing in the world. And hopefully Bethany will realize that soon too.
I made sure to tell her I loved her before we hung up. She told me to call her tomorrow. I feel really guilty for telling her she can't move in but...I just have too much going on to deal with that. I work so much, I hardly have time to clean, and I really value my time alone to unwind. I'm used to having a place to myself, and I feel like having a roommate at this point in my life, so last minute, will just...stress me out. I'm trying to minimize the drama in my life, not make it worse. And her moving in would definitely not help. Plus, my spare room is for my photography studio, and that's what I've been using it for! If she were to move in, where would I put all that stuff?? I'm talking 10 feet long backdrops, lights, boomers, all kinds of equipment! I would have no place to put it, and that would just stress me out too. And I told her that on the phone too. So I think she understands. I hope she does. And while I feel relieved that I finally got all that stuff off my chest, and I feel like I can really forgive Bethany and things can go back to being the way they were, why do I feel so guilty??

Am I abandoning my friend in a time of need??

C'est La Vie

You guys are kind of cracking me up, doing all this research to find out who Todd is. But let me just set something straight. I have taken a lot of measures to keep his identity secret. Changed dates, names etc... So even if you think you're sure you know what team he plays for, you're most likely wrong. And even if you DO figure it out, (which, you probably could, if you were really thorough) I will neither confirm, nor deny. I mean, think about it. The consequences of someone figuring out who Todd is could be catastrophic! It could get leaked to the press, or he could find out about it and read my blog, and read all the stuff I secretly think about him and his relationship with Laura, or Laura could read it and decide she really does hate me... I mean, it just...wouldn't be good. Plus, I just... I respect Todd, and I don't want to exploit him in any way. Sometimes I panic about this stuff, cuz I honestly never expected his team to be so good. I mean to say I didn't anticipate it would come all the way down to the Superbowl! And on the one hand, I think it would be so much easier, if I could just say what team he plays for, but then you would all somehow figure out which player he is, and some rude, inconsiderate anonymous person would post his picture, or something, and all hell would break loose. Todd is my best friend, ok? I don't want to put our friendship at stake because of a blog. I will stop blogging if this gets out. That's how seriously I'm taking this.

So, moving on!
I actually had a long phone conversation with Law School last night. Last week, we made a deal, that if he would let me come over and use his washer/dryer, I'd do his laundry for him too. Lol. So we had plans to do laundry last night. But he was still stuck at work at 7:30pm, and I was already in my PJ's, eating dinner. Around 10, I was in bed with a book, when he called.

"Peyton."

"Yyyyyes?"

"I'm so sorry I took so long. I just got home! We're trying to buy out this company, and it's just taking forever, and my boss told me I was gonna have to stay late."

"You're a workaholic, ya know that? I sure hope you like your job."

"I love my job! It's just...very time consuming."

"Well that's good. I wish I could say that same..."

We talked for about an hour. About work, personality tests, and football. Lol. Twas an interesting conversation! I told him how I almost asked him to go to the game with me this past weekend, and he just about ripped me a new one. Lol.

"Well you had mentioned you were gonna be busy all weekend, and I needed somebody to commit to the trip right then!" I defended myself.

"Well you still should have asked! I would have cleared my weekend for that!" He said.

"Hmm well sorry!"

Then he asked me if I was going to the game this weekend, and I explained to him how Todd offered, but that I needed to save my money and days off for the Superbowl, if they go.

"You're going to the Superbowl??" He asked, "How are you gonna get tickets for that!?"

"Todd, DUH." I said. "You wanna go?"

"Uh...YEA, that would be so fucking awesome. Free tickets?"

"No, half price. And my sister has first dibs, but now she's not sure if she's gonna be able to make it so...if you wanna go, you better start thinkin' about it."

"Well..how long do I have to think about this? Cuz seriously, that would be kickass."

"Well, if they win this weekend's game, I'm gonna buy a plane ticket to Miami ASAP."

"Hmmm...ok."

"But Sophie has first dibs!" I reminded him.

"Ok yea that's cool."

Our conversation was very relaxed, and normal. Just like it used to be. Which was quite a relief. And also why I blurted out "wanna go to the Superbowl?" Because if I had been overanalyzing everything he said, like I was doing last week, I never would have asked him. But at this point, we're back to just being friends, which really is a weight off my shoulders, cuz I don't have to worry about things being weird. And I think it would be pretty cool if he came to the Superbowl with me. I mean, no drama, that's for sure!
Speaking of drama, Bethany has finally noticed that I've stopped making any attempts to talk to her. And it's not like I've been giving her the cold shoulder or anything I just...got fed up. Ya know? I needed a break. But I finally talked to her yesterday, on my way home from work, and she asked me about my trip and everything. I still haven't told her how I've been feeling, but we're gonna try to get together for dinner soon, so I guess I'll bring it up then. I also had a Facebook comment from Summer saying "HEY! I MISS YOU!" when I got home. I wonder if she and Bethany had a conversation about me recently??

Izzie is coming into town this weekend, and she wants to get together for a meeting about the ad agency, and honestly, I really don't want to. I mean, I don't live in Austin, I don't know the market area there, and I really don't have anything to contribute to these conference calls and meetings! It just feels like a waste of my time! And that's just one more thing I have to do this week. One less day of relaxing, which if you recall, I only get like...1 and a half! ((Sigh)) And of course, I don't wanna tell Izzie any of these things, cuz she's my friend, and I don't wanna hurt her feelings, or make her feel like this whole business plan is a waste of time, it's just.... She seems to think this whole thing is just going to liftoff! Just with a snap of her fingers. And it's not. It's going to be a long time before we get a real client base and start making any profits. And she keeps talking about me moving to Austin and it's like...I can't just quit my job and uproot my whole life for something like that! I wouldn't do that unless A) it was a sure thing or B) I was really depressed and/or frustrated with my life and on impulse decided to pack everything and go.
And B is kind of the way I was feeling when Izzie and I first started discussing this business. I mean, Brandon and I had just broken up, I was lonely, and at a new job where I didn't know anybody, I mean... you know!
I'm not saying I don't wanna do the ad agency anymore, cuz I do! I just don't wanna make any sacrifices for it at this time, because I just don't think that would smart at this point. But...here I am, having a meeting with Izzie on my day off, and I know I'm just gonna wish I was sleeping. ((Sigh)) C'est la vie...

The Dime: 20twentyten10

So I was right to be pissed, because apparently his marriage wasn't the only thing he was keeping from me. This is the last email he sent me:

Peyton,

Thank you for the email. I appreciate your honesty, and I'm saddened by what I've done to make you believe I can't be trusted, or that everything you know about me is based on half truths. Here it is, my story...

I met Britney (my ex) 6 years ago while out with a bunch of friends in San Diego; she was our waitress at a restaurant/bar. She was finishing up school and I was fresh off a two month stint at sea (oil tanker). She was one of the coolest girls I had ever met...snowboarded, surfed, mountain biked, quoted funny movies, etc. However, what was lacking was a strong physical attraction, which I discredited as superficial and unimportant (I was wrong). We dated for three years and decided to get married in 2006. The key word there is "decided." Another lesson I had to learn the hard way. It was an ultimatum she had given me that I approached from a pros and cons standpoint, something I thought was logical and made sense; once again, not something I will ever do again. Our marriage, in fact our entire relationship, was based on a strong friendship, which is usually a good thing, as long as you're intimate as well. We were not. She was my best friend/sister, and that's how I treated her. To put things in perspective, in our three years of marriage we had sex probably a grand total of 20 times (and that's rounding up). About a year ago we had a son, and I decided to leave my life at sea and officially settle down. I took a job at [oil company's] headquarters in Houston, and we left our life in San Diego. The move to Texas was tough for both of us, but more so for her. I was traveling a lot and she felt isolated, away from family and friends. She started traveling back to California, for one month stints, and our relationship started to spiral out of control. I resented her for leaving all the time and she resented me for traveling and not taking all my vacation time. Then, while she was away in California for a month, I cheated on her.

Any excuse I give to why I did it or the circumstances under which it happened would only cheapen my deep remorse and sincerity for it ever happening. It was a cowardly and selfish act on my part and proved to be the final straw in our relationship. Do I think our marriage would have survived had I not done that? No. But I could have, and should have, handled it differently. The saddest part is that a child is involved; the sweetest, most precious, beautiful boy in the world has to suffer because of me. The divorce was very cordial, and I credit Britney with that. She could have handled it differently. We went to a mediator and had the papers drawn up...no court battles with attorneys, just a simple exchange of hands. She moved back to California and took our son and our dog with her. I fly to California as often as possible to see him.

There is a permanent tear in my heart because of what I've done and the hurt I have caused to both her and my son. I miss him immensely and love him with all my heart. When I was at your bar, the night I met you, I wasn't there to meet anyone, but I guess that's how it happens. I've learned so much about myself and what I need to do and how to act in order to have a healthy and loving relationship. That unfortunately was not the case when I met Brit, and most likely would not have been realized had I not gone through the pain I just went through (and caused).

That Peyton, is the weight in my back pack, and I'm so sorry you had to read about it in an email. It's emotional baggage that I am very ashamed of, and hard for me to share. But please believe me when I say I am doing everything I can to be a much better person, so that I never hurt anyone like this ever again. If I never hear from you again, I understand. I'm sorry.

[Cali]

That's touching and all, but kids are something you have to be up front about from the beginning. For some people, that's a major deal breaker, and you have to be fair, and honest about something that serious. Also, why would you want to keep your kid a secret? I mean, most people I know who have kids can't wait to talk about them! And I think that is just...weird. So, anyway, I doubt that I will be continuing to talk to Cali anymore after that revelation.

So, now onto New Year's Eve!

Well I'd be lying if I said I wasn't extremely hungover! Lol. I had so much fun last night though! I got tons of compliments on my dress, and nobody had one even sort of like it! I got to hang out with all my friends, be carefree, and I even kissed a boy at midnight! His name was Ross and he was only 22, but very sweet. That is, until he got wasted and started following me around everywhere. At one point, he put his arm around my neck from behind me, and then proceeded to fall down, almost taking me with him. Everyone was going, "Omg are you ok??" Because he practically choked me in the process. But...oh well. I probably won't ever see him again. It was just one of those situations where everyone around us was kissing, and we both just looked at each other and kind of shrugged like, What the hell? ya know, and so we kissed. But it was innocent, and fun! And that was before he was wasted!

Also, I got a text from Law School last night! Here's our conversation...

LS: So the word on the street is that you look super sexy tonight.

Me: Word on the street, huh? Who told you that?

LS: Can't teelll you! But that is the word on the street.

Me: I think you're just making that up cuz you KNOW I look good!

LS: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha... love you too Peyton.

Me: lol, so how's it up North?

LS: It's been really good! I'm actually in Chicago right now...one of my best friends talked me into coming here for NYE.

Me: What!??! Lucky!

LS: Haha...I guess.

Me: I wanna go there soooo bad! My sister lives there now and I've never been.

LS: I love Chicago.

Me: I hate you.

LS: Love you too.

I didn't respond after that. And I do have to say, in Law School's defense, that he doesn't treat me like crap. He's my friend, and a good guy. And I actually know that. I'm not sure where things are headed with us, or even where they stand right now, but he'll be back in 2 days, and hopefully I'll be able to paint a clearer picture soon.

So after we left the bar, we all went back to Ben's house. By we, I mean me, Summer, and Bethany. Then Tug came over and Bethany dumped him. THAT was a bit dramatic... But it was a long time coming. They've been together for 6 years and she was tired of waiting for him. So we decided that when our leases are up, which happens to be next October for both of us, we're gonna move into a house together! I'm excited! I've been wanting to get a house, and have a yard for Jasper to play in, but there's no way I could afford it by myself. So it works out perfectly!

Well, it's back to watching movies and eating junkfood! The perfect medicine for a hangover! :)

Happy New Year everyone!!

PANIC ATTACK!

Omg, I'm starting to get really nervous about New Year's Eve! What if inviting Cali was a bad idea?? What if he's not social enough for me to leave him alone?? What if he doesn't fit in with my friends? What if they don't like him?? I don't wanna have to babysit him all night, cuz when I start drinking, I'm very gregarious. I'm all over the place! Especially when I'm at a bar where I know everyone that works there. ((Sigh)) I really hope this night isn't a total disaster!!
We're supposed to meet over at Ben's house for cocktails at 7:30 and then take a cab to the bar. I got the perfect dress!! It's a plum colored, form fitting sheath, above the knee, with a sweetheart neckline. But then there's this heavily beaded piece that comes up from the middle of the bust, in a straight light, and wraps around the neck. It's so pretty! And different. Nobody will have a dress like mine! It was the only one on the rack at this really obscure boutique I love. I also got the perfect shoes to match! They're a dark, silvery grey, and there's like a small bead type design that comes up the arch and wraps around the ankle. I'll have to post pictures of my outfit later.
Anyways, I have another date with Cali tonight. Dinner and a movie. We're gonna go see Up In The Air. So, maybe I'll feel a little better about NYE after our date tonight.
On Saturday night at work, Brandon spoke to me. For the first time since...well I don't even know. He said, "Hey! How are you?" while we were both in line for the computer. I just said, "Swell!" and went about my business. And then I got to thinking, why can't he and I just be friends? I mean, it feels so weird to just cut someone completely out of my life. He was such a big part of it for a time, he knew me better than anyone, he was like my best friend! And now we don't even speak. And that kind of makes me sad. But then I think, he sure as hell wasn't a very good friend! At least not for the last 2/3rds of our relationship. A friend would never do or say the things to me that he did. But...I don't know. I think it's for the best if things just remain the way they are. It's easier that way. Not thinking about him, I mean. Maybe someday...farther down the road.
Speaking of friends, I'm starting to feel really lonely lately. And really mad, at Bethany in particular. She never calls me anymore, yet she calls me her best friend, but I've practically been replaced, with Summer! And I love Summer and all, but it's like, just because I don't work with them anymore, and I don't have a bartender's lifestyle anymore, I can't hang out with my friends anymore! They never call me, or invite me to do things, and I'm always just...by myself. Lately, I haven't been lonely so much, cuz of the holidays, but now that Sophie's gone, I can already feel things slipping back into their old routine. Summer texted me yesterday, and I mentioned that I never get to see them anymore, and she suggested that me, her and Bethany go to a movie. And I said, sure. Then when I got off work, I texted and called her, and she never answered or responded! I'm gonna be really mad if I find out they went without me and never called. ((Sigh)) I really hope I'm not losing my friends.

BEST. GAME. EVER.

As soon as I left work Saturday night, I headed over to Ben's house to meet up with Bethany, Summer and Tara. Ben wasn't home, we were meeting him, Michael, and Mark at our destination. So we hung out, watched half a movie, and got all our stuff together. Around 5:30, Summer's mom came to pick us up.

The airport was insane, since it was the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and for some reason, this had never occurred to us! But we still got there in plenty of time. Unfortunately, I can't tell you guys exactly where we went, because Todd is legitimately famous now, and you guys could figure out his identity if you really tried. And I'm not sure exactly how he'd feel about that. Plus, none of my friends know about this blog, and I'd like to keep it that way! So I'll just say, we arrived at our destination before noon, all of us completely exhausted. Ben and Michael picked us up. We could all tell they were totally hungover. Lol.

We stayed in an apartment that Ben's father's company owns. They use it for clients, and business trips and stuff like that. But it was really nice! Two bedrooms, two baths, and right in the heart of the city! So we all got settled in and laid down for a nap.

When we got up, our whole group headed out to grab some grub. And that's when the drinking began! That whole day/night was such a blur! Lol. But it was insanely fun. We met up with Todd around 7 at his hotel bar. He couldn't go out with us that night, because the team has a curfew. Todd's parents were there too, and I spent some time chatting with his mom. She's like the nicest, coolest lady! In high school, she was that super cool mom, who would let Todd show up unannounced at their house with like 6 friends, and she would whip up something delicious for everyone, and practically wait on us hand and foot! She's a really sweet lady. And very fashionable too! Hehe. So anyways, some of the other football players were in the bar too, and we got a couple pictures with some reallllllllly well known guys! Let's just say, they're hot, and have celebrity girlfriends... Hehe.

After we left the hotel, we headed back out on the town for more craziness! We even ended up at a strip club, which was totally not my idea, but whatever. There was like 10 of us! Me and the girls, Ben, Mark and Michael, and a few other guys that they were friends with, who I'd never met, but they were really cool.

Well, of course, it wouldn't have been a night out without a little drama. Summer and Ben got in a fight, Ben stormed out of the strip club. I followed him all the way back to the apartment. I was easily the most sober person in the group, and Ben was pretty drunk. He was going on and on about how he's breaking up with Summer, and driving back to his parents house, 2 hours away, and leaving us all, right then and there! And I'm like, "WHAT!? You can NOT leave, Ben! You're driving us girls back, remember?? Stop being impulsive!"
But there was no reasoning with him. I took his keys when he wasn't looking, and went back to my room. He headed out to the parking garage to "leave", but obviously he didn't get very far. Not long after, Tara and Bethany showed up. They were in a frenzy, running around packing up all their shit.

"What are you doing?" I asked Bethany.

"Packing Summer's stuff! We're going to a hotel."

I rolled my eyes. "WHY."

"Because, Summer is my best friend, and if she wants to leave, then I'm going with her!" She said all dramatic and drunkenly.

UGH. And since when are they best friends?! I wanted to ask.

"Whatever." I said, "That's dumb. And I'm not going anywhere. You guys are just making it worse by freaking out and frantically packing all your shit. They're both wasted. Once they calm down and sober up, they'll work it out. Just chill."

But of course, they didn't listen to me. People were running in and out of the apartment constantly, Ben and Summer wouldn't talk to each other. Then once they did start talking, they were outside for hours.
Drama drama drama...
I ended up passing out on top of the covers in all my clothes. When I woke up the next morning, MARK was in the bed with me! Lol. I kinda freaked out a little at first, but apparently, everyone had passed out in random places. And of course, Summer and Ben had worked everything out, and all was well in the morning.

Other than the drama, Sunday had been ridiculous, and crazy, and just...TOO much fun! I mean something was bound to happen! Because nobody has that much fun in one day. Lol.
I was the first one up, followed shortly thereafter by Tara. She and I showered and got ready to head out. We had to go meet Todd and get our tickets and sideline passes before 2:30, because he needed to get to the stadium early. Then of course, Tara and I spent like an hour trying to get everyone out of bed, and another hour waiting for Bethany and Summer to get ready.

First we met up with Todd at his hotel. Everyone was looking pretty grim, and apparently I was the only person who wasn't hungover. Lol. He gave us our tickets and our passes and told us to be at the stadium by 6, cuz that was when they'd be on the field practicing. Our passes were only good for before and after the game. And there's nobody on the field after the game, cuz the players all hit the locker rooms. So we knew we had a lot of stuff to get done in the meantime. I was really glad I'd already showered and put makeup on! After we got our tickets, we went and ate, hit the mall to get some team shirts, and then the drug store so I could get some posterboard to make a sign for Todd.

When we got back to the apartment, the girls started getting ready. Only Tara and I had showered, so she just started putting on makeup while the other 2 showered, and I got to work on my poster. I was completely ready by 5:00. Bethany wasn't dressed, and her hair was still wet, and Summer was putting on fake eyelashes.

Oh GOD. I thought. We're never gonna get out of here.

"Hey guys, we need to leave in like...30 minutes if we're gonna get there by 6." I said.

"The game's not even till 7:30!" Bethany said.

"I know, but if we wanna use our sideline passes, we need to get there early!"

"Well I have to curl my hair." She said flatly.

"Why? It's humid as hell outside!" I pointed out.

"Yea, but if I don't curl it, I'll look like a wet dog." She persisted.

I sighed, "Well how much longer?" I asked.

"Fifteen minutes." She said.

At 6 o'clock on the dot, we still hadn't left. I was fuming by this point. I rushed everyone out the door, and we finally started heading to the stadium. And of course there was traffic on the way, and throngs of people trying to get in, once we got there. We left the guys at the entrance, since we had different seats, and headed into the stadium. We walked straight out onto the field, and it was BREATHTAKING! I mean seriously, I just stood there and gawked. There were soooooooooooooooo many people! I mean literally, like every seat was taken in the stadium! And everyone was screaming, and the atmosphere in there was so charged! It was very contagious.

We walked along the sideline, in search of Todd, and I spotted him pretty quickly, practicing with some of his teammates in the middle of the field. I brought my nice camera and my telephoto lens, and I just started snapping away! I got tons of awesome photos!
When Todd finally turned in our direction, I held up my sign so he'd see us! He immediately came over and gave me a hug.

"Nice sign!" He said.

"Thanks! This is SOOO awesome, I can't even believe it! And you look so..." I couldn't finish my sentence. There he was in his pro-football uniform, with his pads and his helmet... It was surreal. Little Todd from church. Haha. My, how he's grown!

The girls took a picture of us together, and I took one of all of them with Todd too. And before we knew it, we were all being shooed off the field. I knew we should have gotten there earlier! But I was too excited at the time to let anything bother me. Tara had bought a football with the team logo on it, that she wanted to get signed. Her boyfriend's dad is really sick, and all he talks about it Todd's football team. Apparently he's been a fan since their early years. And she was really disappointed that she didn't even get a chance to give it to Todd. But I promised her we'd get it signed, no matter what!

So we headed up to our seats, which were in the end zone. They weren't the best seats in the world, but we could see everything, and hey! They were free! And this was sold out game! Everyone in our section liked my sign, haha! It had Todd's name on it, so they all started to assume I was his girlfriend. And I just let them. Heehee. We drank plenty of beer, took lots of pictures, and cheered and screamed till we lost our voices! And just FYI, Todd plays in every game! I know a lot of people assume that rookies never play, but he plays! And their team won by a landslide!! And the team they were playing is really good! So not everyone was sure they would win. But I was! :) It was so totally amazing!

We met up with guys outside the stadium and started our trek back to the apartment. All the fans pouring out of the stadium were cheering, and high-fiving; it was like everyone was your best friend! Haha. And I marched down the street holding my sign high.
When we got back to the apartment, I put my camera away, grabbed a few things, and then we headed back out. We went to a piano bar and got a table, and I texted Todd, letting him know where we were.

He ended up texting me, and telling me to come meet him at some exclusive player's party. And of course we were all totally down for that! So we went to meet him, and almost the whole team was there! They had this whole bar reserved for just them. Todd came outside to meet us and let us in. It was actually a pretty low key party, kinda quiet, nothing crazy. And the guys were starting to get a little bored, I could tell. They were craving the loud, crazy raucous of the city bars we'd spend the last night in. So I told them to go ahead and go. I really wanted to spend some time with Todd, and catch up, and we promised we'd meet them in a bit. So they all left, except me and Tara. I could tell she was getting a little sick of the drama too. Tara is a lot like me in that respect. We don't like drama, and we're both really laid back and chill. So she and I hung out with Todd, and his personal NFL trainer, Rick. He's an ex player as well. And he was really funny. Very sarcastic with a dry sense of humor. I had a field day with him! He and I bantered the entire cab ride over to meet the group, and Todd was getting a huge kick out of it. Lol.

So we met up with everybody, but Todd, Rick, and I still kind of kept to ourselves. And once again, I was the most sober out of the group, by the end of the night. Well, not counting Todd. He's so huge, it's practically impossible for him to get drunk. Believe me, I've tried. Lol. So Todd came back to the apartment with us, and we both crashed on the floor. His apartment is outside the city, and it would have been kind of a long cab ride, so I told him just to crash with us, and we'd drive him to his parents' hotel in the morning. He and I would have slept in my bed, but he was worried that his (gold-digging) girlfriend would get mad, because he wouldn't lie to her about it, if she asked. Which, I understand. But it's not like I was going to put the moves on him or anything! He's way too virtuous for that! So we slept on the floor, and Ben and Summer took my bed.

We had to get up real early the next morning to start driving. I hugged Todd and thanked him a million times! I still feel like I haven't thanked him enough! I'm definitely gonna do something nice for him, I just haven't figured out what yet. Any ideas, readers?? Tara left ahead of us with Mark, (I have no idea why) and they dropped Todd off on their way out. So it was just me, Bethany and Summer riding with Ben. We slept most of the way. The weather was crap. And by the time we got back, it was late, and I was exhausted.

And since I've been back, I still haven't been able to catch up on my sleep, because my sleep schedule is all fucked up again from staying out every night till 5am for 5 days in a row! Plus, I've been uploading and editing pictures, and I always lose track of time when I'm doing that.

But, despite the drama, I have to say that was one of the best trips EVER! It was so much fun! Next time I go to one of Todd's games though, I'm only taking single people! And probably not 3 girls. I'll probably just take Sophie! Lol. Then I know we won't have any problems.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention! Two things:
1) TB bought a ticket to Houston, despite my warnings. He'll be here next weekend. Is this good or bad? I haven't decided yet. He knows not to expect anything, but...??
2) Cali texted me the very next day after I gave him my number! Annnnd we had our first date last night! But I'm going to have to save that for another post, because this one is already too long!

Have a good weekend everybody!!

Prospects

Things with Brandon and I are still not on solid ground, but he hasn't stopped texting me. So...maybe he just needs some space. And I've been giving it to him! He mentioned that he's got a lot of stuff going on this weekend, so I'm just gonna see how it goes at work tonight. I've been back a week already, so things should have calmed down by now.

Wednesday and Thursday night, I went out with Summer, Ben, Mark and Cailee. And of course, we had a total blast! Tonight and tomorrow night I'm working, and Sunday, I'm going to the Renaissance Festival with Emma, Bethany and Tug! So I'm really looking forward to that. Plus, I'll have an excuse to wear my dress from Sophie's wedding! I can't wait.

Tuesday, I have an interview! It's at 8am, which really sucks, but it's for a project coordinator position out by InterContinental Airport. Something to do with security systems. Jayme's dad hooked me up with the interview, which is awesome, because according to him, I'm the least qualified out of all their prospects. But I'm what they call a "fresh out", which is a college graduate with basically no experience, but a hard worker and fast learner. Even if I don't get the job, at least I'll get the interview experience. I just need to go out and buy something to wear! Ugh... I'm nervous!!

I'm planning on inviting Brandon over for dinner Tuesday night. I'm gonna cook for him this time. Of course, I haven't asked him yet, but I'm gonna wait till Sunday, cuz I wanna see how tonight and tomorrow go. He's playing golf today, and I don't wanna text or call him. So...I dunno. I just really need to talk to him, face to face. It's always better that way. And hopefully we can get back on track. ((Sigh))

If all goes as planned, Tuesday will be a very busy day!! So wish me luck...with everything!

First Night

Last night, work was great! It was so good to be back, and everything just felt...in it's place. It was like riding a bike. A little surreal at first, but things are as they should be.

The only problem?

Brandon.

((Sigh))

I mean, he was just acting so...strange and distant towards me. And when I asked him about it, he said I'm over analyzing things, and that he doesn't chat at work, he works. And he doesn't talk to anyone else any less, or any more than he talks to me. So, maybe I am just over analyzing things, because I'm hyper-aware of my situation, and us, and I don't want things to go back to the way they were, I want them to be better! So I told him that yea, I may be over analyzing, but with good reason. And he said there's nothing to worry about. So, I'm just gonna try to let it go, and not pay so much attention to him.

It just feels...like there's something he's not telling me. I dunno. But I'm determined to get to the bottom of it!

I work again today at 6, and he'll be there too, so we'll see. I'm hoping maybe he and I can get together tonight, and hang out. Then maybe we can talk with out the pressures of the work environment.

But everything else is good! We were busy, and we made decent money, and I had fun! I almost forgot what it feels like to look forward to going to work. I called Summer this morning and asked her if anyone said anything last night about me not showing up for my shift. She just said that the GM asked if I had told anyone that I wouldn't be coming in, and she told him no. Well! At least he actually had to work for his money for once! Because, since I wasn't there, he had to fill in. Haha!

Anyways, I guess I don't have much else to write about. My car is still on the fritz. And my parents should be home tonight, so hopefully my dad can put in the new alternator tomorrow afternoon.

Well...that's all for now!

Car Trouble...

So yesterday, I got in my car, to go meet the gang for dinner and...nothing. My car wouldn't start! The battery was dead. Which, was really weird since I hadn't left any lights on or anything, and my car was totally fine the day before. So Ben came over to give me a jump, and still...a no go. It sputtered a little bit, but wouldn't completely start. My battery was just completely drained. Which means, I need a new one. So I just gave up on my car for the day, and Ben drove me over to the restaurant. Summer promised to give me a ride home from work. We ate, drank, and were merry, and then I went to work, for my last night! It wasn't very busy, and I was almost sad to go, but not really. I mean, I'm still gonna see all my girls, and I'm still gonna go out to dinner with them on Fridays and Saturdays.

So today, Bethany and Tug picked me up a new battery and drove it over. Then Tug installed it for me, while Bethany and I watched. :)

And, voila! My car started. And then...it started making these horrible whining and screeching sounds. ((Sigh))

"It sounds like metal grinding somewhere. It's probably your alternator." Tug said.

"Great... Well I obviously can't drive it." I said, dismayed.

"Well, you can borrow my truck if you want. I mean, I got my motorcycle, and Bethany and I can carpool if we need to." Tug offered.

"Really?? That would be so awesome, thanks!" I said.

So I rode back with them to their place to pick up Tug's truck...which is huge, and I'm totally not used to driving something so big. But I'll deal. I really owe Bethany and Tug, too. I feel like I should take them out to dinner or something! I mean, they really saved me. Normally, my Dad, who is a total grease monkey, would come over and have it fixed in a couple of hours, but my parents are out of town for the weekend, so I'm on my own. I dunno what I would have done if Tug didn't offer to let me borrow his truck!

So anyways, I'm pretty bummed about my car, cuz that means I have yet another bill to worry about. But I'm excited about tonight! It's my first night back at the old job, with Brandon. So we'll see how that goes... But I know it's gonna be fun. It'll just be so nice to be back.

Mr. S. called me the other day to confirm my schedule.

"Welcome back, bitch!" He said before he hung up the phone. Lol.

So I'll be sure to keep you guys updated.

Brandon called me yesterday when he got home from his trip with his dad. I was in the car with Ben at the time, so I couldn't really talk to him for long, but I was glad he called. Because I didn't call or text him the whole time he was gone! So that means he was obviously thinking about me. :)

Well, I guess that's all for now! I'm looking forward to work, for the first time in a long time, and it's a beautiful day! I just wish my car was working!

New Horizons

Well, our dinner date was definitely still on. Brandon just had a lot of stuff going on during the day. As for his drinking Saturday night, he told me he just had a really great time at the wedding! And...that's it! So I can't really judge, I mean... I've been known to have a good time and get drunk myself.

So anyways, Brandon came over around 8:30, groceries in tow, and he got right down to business! He made pasta with a homemade meat sauce, complete with ground turkey, fresh mushrooms and tomatoes, and spices. It was soooo good! We also had garlic croissants, and for dessert, he brought over Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns, which is now my favorite ice cream of all time!

After we ate, we settled down on the couch, and watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. To be honest, I was surprised he chose that movie, seeing as it's a total chick flick, and it didn't get the greatest ratings. But I love Jennifer Garner, so I still liked it. And it was kind of fitting. I mean, a guy who's afraid of falling in love, realizes he's been wasting his life having fun, and sleeping around... And then one day, he wakes up and realizes what he's truly been missing out on.

After the movie, we went to bed. And we talked.

First, he asked me about my Facebook. He doesn't have a Facebook, and apparently some people have asked him about me, and my status updates. They were pretty depressing at times, I suppose. I assured him that I had never written anything bad about him, and told him he was welcome to look! So I showed it to him. And he read one of my notes. And it was just a note about...being alone. I watched his reaction as he read it, and I could tell he genuinely felt...sad.

"You have alone issues, don't you?" He asked.

"Maybe...but you have commitment issues!" I said.

He sighed.

"Peyton, you're not alone. And no matter what happens between us, I will always be here, if you ever need someone."

He took my hand, and we just laid there, in the dark for a while.

Then we talked about our lives, and what we want. I told him that it's not necessarily a husband I'm searching for, it's companionship. It's not being alone, that I'm afraid of, it's ending up alone. I mean, I see what Sophie and Brent have, and they are like best friends, who do everything together, travel the world... And I want that.

"Aren't you ever afraid of being alone?" I asked him.

"No, but I'm alone all the time."

"No, I mean, don't you want somebody there for you at the end?"

"Well, yea...." He said, "I just...how do you know, when you're ready for that?"

"You just know." I said, and I thought to myself that I know, because as soon as I realized I was tired of this bar industry, and ready to have a real job, and get my own house, that I'm ready to settle down. But that's something Brandon is going to have to figure out on his own.

"Well you'll get that, Peyton. I know you will." He said.

There's just a part of me that really wants that with him. But we have a long way to go. And we're taking it slow. Which is the best thing for right now.

I vented to him a little about my work situation, too. I mean, I feel so stuck!

"You're not stuck." He said.

"Yes, I am! I can't quit, because I don't have enough money saved up right now, and...I have to find another job first! So now I'm looking for not just one job, but two!" I huffed.

"It's all gonna be okay. Just...think positive. Everything will work itself out." He said.

"You sound so sure..." I said.

"Because I am sure." He said.

I rolled over and sighed, and Brandon put his arm around me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yea. I'm okay." I said.

And we went to sleep, wrapped in each other's arms.

This morning, I got up and made us cinnamon rolls. We ate quickly, and then we both left, cuz I had to take my mom to physical therapy. I sent him a text message after he left that said, "Thanks for dinner! It was really good!"

And he wrote back, "You're welcome. I really enjoyed our time together last night."

:)

After my piano lesson, I went over to Mark's house to meet up with Summer, Ben, and Mike for food and football. Mark makes the most amazing mashed potatoes! And he grilled steaks and asparagus. All in all, a delicious meal, 2 nights in a row! Afterwards, we played pool, and drank wine, and discussed what we're gonna start doing with our Sundays, now that Mark put the boat to rest for the season. We had a cold front come through this week, and next weekend is supposed to be cool as well. So no more boat trips. :(

We have yet to figure out what we're gonna do. Lol.

So, I do have some news on the job front! Mark, from my old job called me today. He asked me if I wanted to come back! And I said, well...yes! But I told him I wasn't sure if Mr. P. and Blinn would go for it. But he said he's gonna talk to them, and he asked me if working with Brandon would be a problem. I told him most likely not, I mean, we're getting along now and trying to be friends. But I also told him I didn't wanna push my luck, and it would probably be best if we didn't work side by side, and he said of course, and that wouldn't be a problem. So now I just have to wait to hear back from him and find out what Blinn and Mr. P. say about it. I have to admit, it would a relief to go back to my old bar. I mean, I really miss everybody, and after going somewhere else, I've realized that they really are good people to work for. Probably the best in the Houston bar industry. So we'll see.

After our conversation, I got to thinking about what it would be like working with Brandon again. And I actually kind of started to freak out. Like...what if it screws everything up?? I mean, things are going so well between us right now, and I don't want us working together to ruin it! And what about the way things were before?? I mean, he used to always ignore me at work, and it drove me crazy. He'd say it was cuz he was at work, and he's serious about work yada yada.... But then when we'd go in the back to count money after work, he'd act...distant, and weird. I just don't want to slip back into our old habits again! And working together, it'll just be so...so much like before! This, now, is different. Our situation is different. My situation is different. ((Sigh))

So I talked to Summer about it while we were eating dinner at Mark's.

"He doesn't even work that much! I mean...you guys should be fine. Just ask to work at a different bar." Summer said.

"True..."

I mean, he does only work like 2 or 3 days a week. So, I might just be freaking out about nothing. But next time Brandon and I hang out, I'm definitely gonna mention it to him. Because this is really important to me. My job, and my relationship with Brandon are important to me. And I don't want either one affecting the other in a negative way. Not again.

But I might just be getting ahead of myself. I haven't even heard from Mark yet. Hopefully he'll get back to me by tomorrow. Sooo...wish me luck!

Hope

So Friday was lots of fun! I went out to eat with Ben, Summer, Bethany and Tug before they went to work. Then I headed over to my old bar to meet up with Todd. When he arrived, he had his girlfriend, Laura, and 2 of her girlfriends with him: Kristin and Brittany. Kristin didn't do much talking, but Brittany was pretty cool. Brandon was working, so I made sure to say hello. We pretty much hit all the hot spots around Houston, including my current place of employment, and my old favorite spots. Todd said he's really looking forward to me and the girls coming to his game next month! He told me to bring my camera, cuz he's getting us sideline passes, and I can get a lot of good shots of him! Which would be awesome!! I can't wait!

I ended up getting a little bit too tipsy that night, so Todd had to drive me home. Brandon texted me around 3:30am and mentioned that he was going out to eat with Mark. So I told him to get me some pancakes. And he did! Lol, but I had already passed out, and didn't even hear my phone when he called. Oh well, he said he saved the pancakes for me.

Last night was Summer and Brandon's Dad's wedding. I was at work, of course, but Summer and Ben stopped in the say hello after the reception. I didn't see Brandon though. Although, Alyssa called me around 2:30 to tell me that he'd been up at the bar, hammered, with his roommate who I hate. And apparently, his roommate was talking mad shit about me! Just great...

I guess Greg mentioned something about Brandon and I hanging out, and Brandon's roommate said I was "delusional" and that there's no way we'd be getting back together. WTF does he know!? He's such an asshole, I can't stand that guy! I asked Greg what Brandon said, but Greg told me that Brandon wasn't even there when his roommate said that stuff, and even if he had been, he was pretty intoxicated. It's not like it was my idea for us to get back together! Whatever, I'm not worry about it. Brandon can hardly stand his roommate. He's always telling me what a lazy, good for nothing piece of crap he is, and how he's wrecked his car 4 times in the past month. It's ridiculous.

So this morning, er, this afternoon, when I woke up, I called Brandon. I didn't mention to him that I'd heard about last night. I just asked him how the wedding was, and how things went with his Dad. He said the wedding was great, and his Dad and him talked, and they agreed to try and communicate better in the future. So that's really great, I'm happy they're getting somewhere. He mentioned to me that he went up to my old bar afterwards, and that he doesn't remember most of it. I thought about asking him about his roommate, but I decided against it. I figured I'd just talk to him later, if at all, when he comes over for dinner. Speaking of which, neither one of us mentioned it on the phone. I mean, I didn't wanna say anything about it, and he seemed a little distracted at the time. He ended up having to get off the phone, because he said he needed to hurry up and return his tux before he got charged extra for it. So he said he'd call me back later.

He wouldn't stand me up for our date. It was his idea! And he knows this is sort of just a trial period for us. ((Sigh)) I guess I'm just feeling a little uneasy because of what his roommate said about me. Even though I shouldn't care, and Brandon supposedly can't remember anything, I just... I dunno. I hope I hear from him soon!

A Good Day

Taryn's birthday party was fun! I put on my sexy new dress, and my gold satin pumps, which matched perfectly, and headed out to the restaurant, feeling pretty damn good!

Brandon showed up shortly after I did, with Mr. S.'s brother, Anthony. I was surprised when he sat down next to me, instead of Anthony, since they're pretty much inseparable these days. Seriously, they play golf together like 3 days a week. Summer and Ben sat across from me at the table and we goofed off and talked for most of the dinner. Brandon was pretty quiet throughout dinner, but I assumed it was because he was sitting at the end of the table.

After we ate, we all headed over to my old bar, which is where most of the other people still work. Mr. S. gave us 2 free bottles, and we all made ourselves comfortable. After eating all that food, I wasn't really feeling up to drinking. I had a couple shots, and my stomach was already protesting. So I just took it easy. Bethany and Tug, Summer and Ben, and Ali all left early because they had work in the morning. So I hung out with Misty, and Sheila.

At one point, I noticed Brandon talking to some girl. It was obvious that they knew each other. She wasn't pretty or anything, and I could tell he wasn't into her, but she kept touching his hair, (which was in a ponytail because he really needs a haircut!) which I thought was a little weird. So I walked right past them and out the front door. I contemplated leaving, cuz I was kind of bored, and Brandon was ignoring me, but I ran into Gavin outside and stopped to chat with him. That was when Brandon walked outside. I could tell he was hurrying out to see if I'd left. But he practically stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me standing there with Gavin.

It was weird, because I didn't even think he'd noticed me leave, but apparently he was paying closer attention to me than I thought. Which is a dynamic that's different for us, but I think I like it. So I decided to stay, and went back inside.

When the bar closed, a smaller group of us went back to Mr. S.'s house. I left my car in the parking lot at the bar, and drove Anthony's car, with him and a few others in the back. Anthony was definitely too drunk to drive.

So we hung out at Mr. S.'s place for a while, and then I asked Brandon if he'd be able to drive me back to my car when he left. And he said sure. So, around 4:30, everyone left Mr. S.'s house. When Brandon and I got to my car I asked him what he was gonna do.

"I guess I'm just gonna go home."

"Wanna come over?" I asked. I couldn't resist.

He hesitated. "Ummm..."

"It's a simple question. You can say no." I said, smiling at his nervousness.

"Ok. I'll come over. " He said, nodding.

So he followed me back to my place. I let him stay in my bed this time, but nothing happened! We just laid there and talked for a really long time. I explained to him that I just wanted us to be really open and honest going into this, because I want him to be clear about what my expectations are. I don't want us to repeat our mistakes over and over again. And he agreed, and he said he's gonna try not to be so distant, and be more open with me about his feelings. Eventually we fell asleep. This afternoon, I woke up to Brandon's arm around me. :) It was such a wonderful feeling.

When we got up, we decided to go get breakfast/lunch/dinner, at our old spot, Chili's. Hehe. We stayed there for a long time too, talking. And I told him that even though I wanted us to take things slow, I expected him to actually court me, and that I didn't want us to just slip back into our old routine.

Then we talked about other stuff, our lives, jobs, etc. His dad is getting married this Saturday, and he's pretty nervous about seeing him since they have so many unresolved issues. He's also planning to move out of that house he's been living in. He's moving back in with his grandparents. Which, I do think is pretty lame, but I absolutely hate that roommate of his. He's a lazy asshole, and a bad influence, and anything is better than Brandon living with him. Plus, he said he's trying to save money, and he doesn't want to rent anymore. He wants to save up and buy his own place. So I can respect that.

After we ate, he actually opened the car door for me! I think it's cuz I made some comment earlier about chivalry being dead. ;)

I sent him a text after he left that said, "Thanks for taking me to breakfast/lunch/dinner!"

And he said, "No problem. It was fun and good to get some things out. Thanks for listening."

And I said, "Anytime."

I think, so far, things are going really well between us.

Even though, I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to kiss him sooooo badly this morning! But I resisted the urge. I don't wanna ruin a good thing.

Earlier, I was reading through some of my old blogs, and I realized that exactly a year ago today, Brandon and I met for the first time. :)

What are the chances?

I Snooped And I Don't Feel Bad About It!

((Sigh)) So Brandon is passed out on my couch right now, and I am in my room, in bed, typing this post.

Let's start from the beginning...

Our group was supposed to go out on the boat today, but it was raining this morning, so instead we all went up to my old bar to watch football. I did a thorough drive through of the parking lot before going inside, and Brandon's car wasn't there, so I felt reassured. But then, as soon as I walked inside, there he was, in the DJ booth, doing sound for the game. So I tried my best to avoid him. But then Summer showed up, and brought him over to the table. It was a little weird, but I tried to act nonchalant. We ended up leaving shortly after that to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, and Brandon couldn't go, obviously, because he was working. But while we're there, he's texting me. Asking what I'm doing, etc. Hours and hours have gone by, keep this in mind.

Me, Tara, Hot Dereck, Summer, Ben, and Mark (Bethany was working at her other job) met up to watch the game around 3ish, and got to BW3's around 9ish. So after that, we went over to Summer's place to kill some time before heading back out. Tonight was Hot Dereck's brothers birthday, so we had plans to meet up with him later. So while we're at Summers, Brandon is still texting me to find out what's going on. Apparently by this time, he was off work, but just hanging out there and drinking. So Summer tells him to meet us at our next destination. Well we get there, and Brandon shows up and he's hammered! I mean, DANGER ZONE hammered. And I'm like, "Oh shit..."

So I immediately tell Summer and Tara how fucked up he is, and this can't be good, and I probably shouldn't be around him because he gets out of control. But Tara was like, "No, stay, stay, maybe we can get him to leave."

So I stayed.

Then Brandon starts to say something to me, and he's shouting in my ear! And I'm like, "Whoa! Calm down!"

"It's loud in here!" He shouts.

"I know, but you don't have to shout when you're that close to me!" I shout back.

So then he leans over and whispers something to me, just to be a smartass. Then he he says, "Oh did you need me to repeat that?!"

And he whispers it again.

This happens about 4 times.

On the 5th, I push him away from me.

"Ok..." I start to say, pulling away cuz I'm getting fed up with his drunk ass, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back.

I shook him off me and walked away.

"I'm leaving." I said to Summer and Tara and I brusquely walked out of the bar.

Then I hear Tara yelling after me. I turn around and see Brandon and Summer both behind me. I keep walking, faster.

"WAIT! I'll walk with you, just wait!" Tara calls. So I pause to wait.

"Are you ok? What happened?" She asked.

"I'm fine, I just wanted to get out of there before that situation turned nasty. I knew this would happen."

"I'm sorry your night was ruined." She said, with a sad face.

"My night wasn't ruined, I had fun with you guys all day! I just know where that would have led, and I don't feel like dealing with it."

We talked as we walked to my car, and then I drove her back to the bar.

"Call me if you need anything." She said as she got out.

I really do love Tara. I mean I've only known her for a couple weeks, but she's a totally awesome girl, and a great friend. And Dereck is so sweet to her! I'm really happy for them.

ANYWAYS, so I drive off, and then Brandon texts me.

"Come back please!!"

"No. You're wasted, and being a dick, and I don't feel like dealing with it."

"I'm not trying to be a dick! You just ran off."

"I did not just run off. You're too drunk, and I don't feel like dealing with your shit right now."

This went on until I got to my apartment.

"Look, we need to have an actual conversation, and not tonight. When you're sober. CALL ME tomorrow. If I don't hear from you then...I guess that's it." I finally said.

Just when I thought he had given up, he texted me again.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be an asshole. Where are you?"

"At home."

"I want to see you."

"You don't know where I live and you're too drunk to even be driving."

"Whatever, let me know and I'll be there!! Try me, and I'm not that drunk."

"Yes you are. You should have let Summer and Ben take you home."

"Whatever, if you give me the address, I'll be there."

"Why do you want to come over here?"

"I want to if you want me to...?"

"I'm not playing games with you Brandon. Why do you want to come over here?"

"What is your address!"

"[My address]"

I caved. This had better be good.

When he finally showed up, he was still drunk, of course.

"So...what did you wanna come over here for?" I asked.

He paced around my apartment, making comments on how big it is, and looking at stuff. It was weird. Seeing him in my apartment. He was stalling.

"I can't talk to you now. I can't. I'll just go."

"You were so insistent upon coming over here, just so you could leave!?" I asked.

"Well I can't talk right now, I've had too much to drink."

"I know! That's why I told you to call me tomorrow!"

He sighed.

"I'll just go outside and pass out in my car.

"No. You'll be too tempted to drive." I said.

"Well then let me just sleep on your couch, and I promise I'll be here in the morning, and we'll talk."

I stood in front of the door for a long while. I can't believe this is happening.

"Fine." I said, "But you better not go anywhere."

"I won't. I promise." He held out his hand. I shook it. He held on longer than was necessary and I pulled away.

"Goodnight." I said, went into my room and closed the door.

((Sigh))

I also stole his phone, so that he couldn't leave in the middle of the night. Then I went through all his text messages and found the 2 slores he'd been talking to. I know, that's totally psycho of me, but whatever. There were two of them! And I thought there was only one!!! Beth, and Stephanie. WHORES! And they both call him babe all the time, and one of them even went to one of his golf tournaments. Sounds like a little more than a casual fling to me. As soon as I read them, I stormed out of my room, with full intentions of strangling a confession out of him if I had to. But he was passed out cold on my couch. And I had forgotten how peaceful he looks when he sleeps. So....sweet. I used to sit and watch him sleep sometimes. ((Sigh)) So I lost all my resolution and went back to my room. Then I deleted every single text from both of those girls, AND their phone numbers!!

If his intentions are to try and get back together with me, he won't be needing their numbers anyway. And if that's not his intention, well then I don't really give a fuck! Ugh...

I really wish I knew who these girls were. It's Bethany's fault I looked through his phone anyway. I was on the phone with her and she asked me if I had looked at his text messages. I hadn't even thought about it until she said something. ((Sigh))

I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, it's not like he cheated on me or anything. We're not together. We haven't been for almost 2 months. And if he likes to date 19287523 whores at a time that's his prerogative. But he sure is hell isn't gonna get back in with me while he's doing it!

I've decided to tell him that I think we should take it really slow, and try to develop a pretty solid friendship before we do anything else, and just build from there. BUT!!!! Only under the condition that he stops talking to those sluts. Because otherwise I'll never be able to trust him. And I'm not gonna try being his friend for my health! There's a lot of history, a lot of hurt that I have to get past in order to do that, and if I'm gonna set aside my feelings, and forgive him, then he's gonna give up his slores! END OF STORY!

I've gone in the living room to check on him twice now. He's still there. Fast asleep. I kind of wish he was in my bed. But, I'm standing firm on this one. And I think I'm doing the right thing.

So in the morning, he and I will talk. And tomorrow night, I'll write.

The Right Thing To Do

I slept all day for the past 2 days. I didn't eat, or leave the house, except to go to work. I would wake up from time to time, let the dog out, feed him, and then just go back to bed. Because when I was wake, I was being haunted by my thoughts. And sleep was the only peaceful thing I could do to pass the time.

Today, I got up at 5:30 to start getting ready for work, and as soon as I got out of the shower, I had a text message from Brandon.

"Just wanted to say hi!"

"Really. Tell your slore I said what's up." I responded, sardonically.

"I'm at my sister's place." He said, "Summer says hi."

I didn't respond.

"Anyways, ok I guess I will leave u alone." He wrote.

"Don't say that. I was hoping you could tell me about your latest sexual conquest." I wrote back. I couldn't help myself.

"Well lets see, I woke up, with nobody next to me, went to the gym and came over to my sister's place to drop off something! Now I'm talking to you. That's my day." He said.

"Hmmm sounds nice. Last night, I went home with a 45 year old man. Aside from his beer gut and hairy back, the sex was GREAT!"

I couldn't contain my bitter sarcasm anymore at this point. Obviously I did NOT go home with a 45 year old last night, I just...wanted to prove a point.

"Well that's great to know!!" He said.

"Isn't it though?? Gosh, this is definitely the beginning of a great friendship! I can already tell!!"

"I'm trying to be your friend, but you're not letting me."

"Friendship requires respect. Maybe you should try looking at the situation from my POV. I mean, who are you trying to fool, Brandon? You don't really want to be my friend."

"I'm not trying to fool anybody! And I do want to be your friend." He argued.

"Well I don't know what I want. I'm scared of you." I said.

"You should not be scared of me, Peyton! I'm not a monster!"

"Really? Then what are you?"

"I'm Brandon."

"And that's exactly why I'm scared of you."

"I'm sorry!"

"Shouldn't you be worried that your new slore won't like you talking to me anyways?"

"No, I'm not worried about that. She's not my girlfriend. Slores, or whores don't care about that crap!"

"Right. What was I thinking? And here I thought you had more self respect than that."

"I do!"

"Then how could you jump into bed with some slut when we've only been broken up for like 6 weeks? How could you do that? How could you just forget about me so quickly."

"I never forgot about you. And the way things went with us, I figured you were long gone!"

"Long gone?? Like it even would've made a difference!"

"I think it would have, but since I said all those things to you...I figured I messed up too much!"

"So what are you saying?? That you would have wanted to get back together??"

"Yea, I have given it some thought but I did a lot of damage to you."

"What do you think this is a game??? Why would you say those things if you didn't mean them, and if you meant what you said, then why would you want to be with someone you had so little respect for?"

"I respected you, I'm not taking back what I said, you just took my words the wrong way!"

"((Sigh)) Well now I need to know what tense we're speaking in, Brandon. How do you feel NOW."

He didn't respond for like 5 minutes. Then finally:

"I have to work right now. I will talk with you later."

I didn't respond. But when I got to work, Summer told me she asked him if he would get back together with me, and he said yea, but he doesn't think I'll ever forgive him. Or something along those lines.

((Sigh))

My head is reeling. I don't even know how to process all this information. And I don't know when this conversation of ours is going to take place, and I have NO idea what I'm going to say, or what he's going to say.... What if he does wanna get back together? Should I??? I mean, I know I want to. I'm still in love with him. I always have been. But...I can't bear to be put through this again. It's slowly killing me. And I mean...he slept with someone else!! I can't easily forget about that! I'm doing everything in my power right now to not find out who she is and put her on TheDirty! And I dunno if he's right for me, I just...don't know!

All I know is, I love him, and I miss him terribly, and I've been really unhappy since we broke up. But he's the reason I'm unhappy! And I can't just forget about everything that happened!

UGh....

I already know what you all are going to say. Don't get back together with him. He's done this too many times, he'll just do it again. I know, I know, I know! Because logic is already telling me all those things. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do the right thing. Especially when I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is.