2 Pump Chump

I got stuff to write about but I'm really tired, so I'm just gonna write about the important stuff for now...
Had Sunday Funday with Abbie and another girl from work, Kris, and my roommate (the cool one, not Dane).
Ended up at Bill's house afterwards. We finally hooked up. For like...5 seconds. I mean that. Literally. He put it in for 5 seconds, I didn't really feel ANYTHING cuz his penis is small, and then he GOT UP off the bed, and went rifling through his closet. He said he needed to find his condoms and put them back in his night stand, because he moved them all when his family came to visit. All I could think about was Brazil and how great the sex was with him, and how I really wasn't ready to be having sex with Bill, but it was too late to turn back. Plus, I'm not even really sure if I should count that. I mean it was like the dictionary definition of a 2-pump chump. WTF?! I did NOT know those really existed. And then of course he was really...irritable afterwards cuz he was embarrassed. And at first, I was just really confused, like, "did the condom break? is something the matter? what's going on? why is he leaving????" cuz it had been like 30 seconds!! And then I thought, "Well surely he must be coming back so we can finish" but when he came back, he was wearing his shorts? WT?F!!
WOW.
I definitely won't be talking to Bill again. ((Sigh)) I hate to say it but...I miss Brazil. For the first time since our last conversation.

It Could Be Worse

Well I think I'm over the crying part, but I'm still listening to Taylor Swift and Jeff Buckley and thinking about Brazil constantly. ((Sigh))
I just miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss looking forward to seeing him on the weekends, and of course I miss the sex, but that's not what's killing me. It's that we got along so well, we had a lot of fun together, and things were just...easy. It wasn't like we had to try hard, ya know? But now he's just gone. Absent. This missing piece of the puzzle. Apparently it's a piece that's always been missing, I just didn't realize it till recently... :/
In my sudden craving for a rebound guy, I texted Bill the other night. Remember Bill? The tall guy from my improv class, we went out on like 1 real date, but then I strangely never heard from him again? Well...we've been texting pretty much ever since. He even said we should hang out. But I'm not trying to rush into everything. I'd forgotten how funny he is though! Brazil wasn't funny, and neither are most of my ex-boyfriends now that I think about it.... I like having someone to laugh with. Someone really actually funny. Bill is really actually funny. Lol.
Anyway... I've been spending a lot of time lately with Katie and Abbie. Not at the same time, but you know they're like my 2 best girlfriends here at the moment, and that's definitely what I need. Abbie couldn't believe the shit that went down with Brazil. She actually met him, unlike any of my other friends. But that's only because he would come into the bar when we were both working. But I've been having fun just doing girl things. Mostly shopping... I'm realizing I have a stress-induced shopping habit. But oh well, at least I don't smoke cigarettes or eat in my sleep. It could be worse? I got some really great steals on some outfits for spring too, so I don't have any complaints.
I came across this song the other day, and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. One, because it's Foo Fighters and they're one of my top 3 favorite bands of all time, and two, because it's like it's literally about me. It's weird because I've listened to the song many times before, I just never really listened to it, before now...

I should have known that it would end this way
I should have known there was no other way
Didn't hear your warning
Damn my heart gone deaf

I should have known
Look at the shape you're in
I should have known
But I dove right in
One thing is for certain
As I'm standing here
I should have known

Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt

I should have known
I was inside of you
I should have known
There was that side of you
Came without a warning
Caught me unaware

I should have known
I've been here before
I should have known
Don't want it anymore
One thing is for certain
I'm still standing here
I should have known

Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt

No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
I should have known

Maybe you was right
Didn't want a fight
I should have known
Couldn't read the signs
Couldn't see the lie
I should have known

Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
To leave us all in debt

I should have known.

An Old Friend

I just remembered that last night I had a dream about Evan. His birthday was a couple days ago. I can't remember much about the dream, except that he and I were hanging out together. And we were having a good time. And I woke up sad. I sent him a text message that said, "Happy Late Birthday!" He never responded, of course. I don't know why I can't just get over the fact that he and I aren't friends anymore. It just really, really hurts. He's such a great guy, so funny, and a lot of fun. He was like my best guy friend, other than Todd. I think about him every time I watch Seinfeld. And I just wanna be like, "Hey Evan, remember that episode where-" but I can't. Because he basically broke up with me. Like...friend dumped me. I wanna tell him how much it hurts that he did that, but I don't know if he'd even answer my phone call! He didn't even try to get in contact me when I moved to Chicago. ((Sigh)) Maybe it's his wife. Maybe she knows we have a weird past. Maybe she doesn't trust me or feel comfortable letting Evan hang out with me or something. But to me, all that stuff that happened between us doesn't matter anymore. I just wish I could have my friend back. You know what? I'm going to try calling him right now...

Nostalgia

Every once in a while I get these random sharp pains of sorrow and nostalgia about Evan. I miss him so much. He really was one of the best friend I ever had. It makes me so sad that he doesn't even want to try to maintain our friendship. ((Sigh))

Where To Draw The Line

Ok, I really feel like I'm starting to go crazy! Lane is in St. Louis for the weekend, and I haven't seen him since he left the morning after the 4th. ((Sigh))
All I keep thinking about is, "What's he thinking about? Is he thinking about me? I hope he's thinking about me."
I had a long conversation with my old friend, Nick, on the phone the other night about him. I'm just...still trying to figure him out I guess. I mean, I just want to know if he really likes me, and wants actually date me, or if this is just a matter of what's convenient. Nick says I should just flat out ask him what he wants out of this. I don't know if I can do that though. I still think it's too soon. But I just can't stop over analyzing and obsessing! Especially now that he's gone. The idea of going through this weekend without seeing him is such a drag!

But here's the kicker.
The big thing I purposely haven't told any of you...




He's only twenty-two!!!! ((Sigh)) I didn't know he was that young when I first decided I was into him! I thought he was at least twenty-five! He doesn't look or act young, although it does sort of explain his job situation, or lack thereof. It's just...I don't feel like a guy his age could possibly want the same things I do. And as much as I like him, I'm afraid that if I really get involved with him, I could be missing out on other guys, who are more...suitable?
I dunno... It's just that I had all these requirements...he has to have a good job, a good education, be taller than me, be older than me, not be a douche, not have any kids, not have tons of baggage...which, actually Lane meets all of those except the job and the age. ((Sigh)) So where do I draw the line?? Do I just say "Fuck it!" and go for it, or should I stop now before it's too late??? Should I even be worrying about this right now??? I mean, I'm having so much fun, and I finally feel like I really belong here. I don't wanna lose that. And I don't want things to get weird between Lane and I because if it doesn't work out between us, I'd like us to remain friends, if at all possible. But the thing is, I think I do want it to work out!
But I definitely said I'd never date a 22 year old that night we went to JJ's house. And he heard me say it. So what if he thinks he doesn't have a chance? What if he thinks I'm just out to have a good time, no strings attached? I'm not gonna lie, it may have started out that way, me just doing whatever I felt like doing, but now it's more than that. I just don't know if I can get past his age. I swore to myself after Rusty that I'd never date another guy that's younger than me. But he's nothing like Rusty!
He's sweet, and funny, and considerate, and kind, and I'm attracted to him, and we have amazing conversations, and I love kissing him, and I think about him all the time, and I miss him when he's gone... So what do I do??

Birthday Wishes

Erg...Why does today have to be Brandon's birthday?? I was doing so well not thinking about him at all. But not today... I feel like I should least text him a Happy Birthday, just so he knows I harbor no ill-will towards him. ((Sigh)) This too shall pass...

Keeps Coming Back...

Well I'm all set to go to Austin. I found a dog sitter, and requested off work. So I'm going the weekend before Thanksgiving.
Work is getting a little more interesting. I just got finished calling a long list of people, to inform them that technicians are going to be coming in and updating their systems. Not too exciting, but at least it's time-consuming.
This weekend was horrendous. Seeing Brandon after a week of not seeing him, was heart wrenching. He's back with that stupid slut. The one he told me he didn't care about, and she meant nothing to him, and she was boring, and uninteresting. ((Sigh)) It breaks my heart that he would choose her over me! And after all that bullshit he spat me about wanted to be alone, and concentrate on golf, and work, etc, etc...Total lies. And on top of that, people at work, and my friends, feel the need to tell me, EVERY TIME they see him with her, or any girl. And I guess The Slore is telling people that they're dating. Which of course, he denies, under the pretenses that they've "never even talked about that". I wish I could just stop caring. I feel so weak. So fragile. I'm always on the verge of tears. I cry myself to sleep every night, after laying awake for hours thinking about him. And I know he's not right for me. I know he can't give me what I want! But I still love him. I just wish I didn't. And more than anything, I wish I didn't have to hear about him being with another girl. I wish she didn't come into my bar all the time. I wish I didn't get paranoid every time I see Brandon respond to a text message. ((Sigh))
Why am I so depressed?? It's like I've forgotten how to make myself happy. Everything is just dull. Gray. Empty. I'm tired 24/7, probably because I can't sleep at night. And when I do sleep, I wake up almost every hour. I have nightmares, and weird, unsettling dreams. I'm so sick of being alone. And I don't even mean just relationship-wise. I'm by myself all the time! And I don't even have the energy or the motivation to leave the house when I have free time, because I'm so tired, and I feel so antisocial. And when I am around people, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just sit there and think.
Why her? Why me? What does she have that I don't? Why am I even comparing myself to her? Why can't I just get over it already? Why is it that nothing seems to make me happy anymore??
In the past year, my hair has lost about 30% of it's density. I'M LOSING MY HAIR! I had a full-on mental breakdown Saturday night because of it. When I was washing my hair, there were like 8 full strands in my hands afterwards. I called my mom crying, and she suggested I call in from work. But I couldn't cuz I need the money. Now I wish I would have because Brandon and I got in a fight that night. He got mad cuz I asked him to face his one dollar bills, and he said I was singling him out and trying to make him look bad. ((Sigh)) I told him he was over analyzing and being too defensive and mean. Let's just say, the argument didn't really get us anywhere.
Sunday, I got so mad, I told him to stay out of my life. Because he's selfish and I'm sick of him rubbing it in my face that he has a new chick.
To which he responded, "I can't help what other people say. I'm not doing anything wrong!"
And I told him to shove it because he doesn't give a shit about me, or anyone, but himself. Then he said he was deleting my number.
I ended up texting him later that I was sorry, and I didn't mean all those things, I just need some time, and I hope he understands.
He said he understands, but I don't think he does! I think he thinks I'm crazy, and he doesn't get why I'm so upset over him. I'm just another obsessive ex-girlfriend. He doesn't get it, because he never felt what I do. And that hurts too.
I need help. I'm drowning. I can't deal with this anymore. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, this just keeps coming back to haunt me.

Fresh Start

We talked. I laid out everything for him. I asked him if he was still considering getting back together.

He said yes.

So I told him that I wanted to take it really slow and get to know each other better as friends, because I can't trust him with my heart right now. And I told him I'd be willing to put the past behind me, and forgive him, if and only if, he would completely stop talking to those 2 girls. And he said ok.

Simple as that.

"Ok."

I almost can't believe he agreed to it so readily.

Bethany says that means he cares a lot more about me than them. I guess she's right.

I asked him about the girls. I didn't tell him I went through his phone, but I asked him about them. What his relationship was with them. He said he spent some time with them, got to know them and "they're nobody". Those were his exact words.

"They're nobody."

((Sigh))

So. Here we go.

I realized that I really don't know how to be Brandon's friend. But I want to learn. And I want him to learn how to be mine.

After our conversation, Brandon said he needed to go, had errands to run, etc. But then he stayed another 20 minutes. Said he had to go again...stayed another 20 minutes. It was obvious that he didn't want to leave. But I had errands to run too, so we both left at the same time. He gave me a hug goodbye and that was it.

As for everything else...I like to think that I'm starting fresh.

And on that note, let me just lay down the law here for a second.

When I write this blog, I'm writing for brain clarity, reflection, venting, enjoyment...lots of reasons. But keep in mind, these are MY THOUGHTS. And obviously, they're not always pure, or right, and obviously not everyone is going to agree with them. And feel free to disagree! But don't judge. No one has that right.

Because when this blog stops being enjoyable, I'll stop writing.

The Right Thing To Do

I slept all day for the past 2 days. I didn't eat, or leave the house, except to go to work. I would wake up from time to time, let the dog out, feed him, and then just go back to bed. Because when I was wake, I was being haunted by my thoughts. And sleep was the only peaceful thing I could do to pass the time.

Today, I got up at 5:30 to start getting ready for work, and as soon as I got out of the shower, I had a text message from Brandon.

"Just wanted to say hi!"

"Really. Tell your slore I said what's up." I responded, sardonically.

"I'm at my sister's place." He said, "Summer says hi."

I didn't respond.

"Anyways, ok I guess I will leave u alone." He wrote.

"Don't say that. I was hoping you could tell me about your latest sexual conquest." I wrote back. I couldn't help myself.

"Well lets see, I woke up, with nobody next to me, went to the gym and came over to my sister's place to drop off something! Now I'm talking to you. That's my day." He said.

"Hmmm sounds nice. Last night, I went home with a 45 year old man. Aside from his beer gut and hairy back, the sex was GREAT!"

I couldn't contain my bitter sarcasm anymore at this point. Obviously I did NOT go home with a 45 year old last night, I just...wanted to prove a point.

"Well that's great to know!!" He said.

"Isn't it though?? Gosh, this is definitely the beginning of a great friendship! I can already tell!!"

"I'm trying to be your friend, but you're not letting me."

"Friendship requires respect. Maybe you should try looking at the situation from my POV. I mean, who are you trying to fool, Brandon? You don't really want to be my friend."

"I'm not trying to fool anybody! And I do want to be your friend." He argued.

"Well I don't know what I want. I'm scared of you." I said.

"You should not be scared of me, Peyton! I'm not a monster!"

"Really? Then what are you?"

"I'm Brandon."

"And that's exactly why I'm scared of you."

"I'm sorry!"

"Shouldn't you be worried that your new slore won't like you talking to me anyways?"

"No, I'm not worried about that. She's not my girlfriend. Slores, or whores don't care about that crap!"

"Right. What was I thinking? And here I thought you had more self respect than that."

"I do!"

"Then how could you jump into bed with some slut when we've only been broken up for like 6 weeks? How could you do that? How could you just forget about me so quickly."

"I never forgot about you. And the way things went with us, I figured you were long gone!"

"Long gone?? Like it even would've made a difference!"

"I think it would have, but since I said all those things to you...I figured I messed up too much!"

"So what are you saying?? That you would have wanted to get back together??"

"Yea, I have given it some thought but I did a lot of damage to you."

"What do you think this is a game??? Why would you say those things if you didn't mean them, and if you meant what you said, then why would you want to be with someone you had so little respect for?"

"I respected you, I'm not taking back what I said, you just took my words the wrong way!"

"((Sigh)) Well now I need to know what tense we're speaking in, Brandon. How do you feel NOW."

He didn't respond for like 5 minutes. Then finally:

"I have to work right now. I will talk with you later."

I didn't respond. But when I got to work, Summer told me she asked him if he would get back together with me, and he said yea, but he doesn't think I'll ever forgive him. Or something along those lines.

((Sigh))

My head is reeling. I don't even know how to process all this information. And I don't know when this conversation of ours is going to take place, and I have NO idea what I'm going to say, or what he's going to say.... What if he does wanna get back together? Should I??? I mean, I know I want to. I'm still in love with him. I always have been. But...I can't bear to be put through this again. It's slowly killing me. And I mean...he slept with someone else!! I can't easily forget about that! I'm doing everything in my power right now to not find out who she is and put her on TheDirty! And I dunno if he's right for me, I just...don't know!

All I know is, I love him, and I miss him terribly, and I've been really unhappy since we broke up. But he's the reason I'm unhappy! And I can't just forget about everything that happened!

UGh....

I already know what you all are going to say. Don't get back together with him. He's done this too many times, he'll just do it again. I know, I know, I know! Because logic is already telling me all those things. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do the right thing. Especially when I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is.

New Level of Bummed

He changed his myspace status to single.
Why does that, of all things, have to hurt so much?
I sat at my computer and cried for a few minutes.
Thought about texting him.
Thought about calling him.
But I didn't.
But I have absolutely nothing to distract me, nothing to take my mind off how terrible I feel.
I wish I could just not care.
I wish I could just forget him.

Moving

When I got to work last night, there he was, outside. Standing there with Greg, Gavin, and The Albanian. He saw me approaching and turned to walk away, hoping to avoid me I guess. But I tapped him on the shoulder.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.

Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.

((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.

I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.

Wanting

((Sigh)) I'm still miserable. I'm trying not to be. Aderall helps. And so does work, at least when he's not around, which is rarely. But I can't eat anything, and I can't sleep. I stayed up till 7:30am this morning. And now it's almost 6am...
I just know as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'll start to cry again.
And tonight after work, I couldn't stop wishing he was here, because some creepy guy from my complex was bothering me. I was taking Jaspy out for a pee, at FOUR in the morning, and this guy just walks up to me, and stands right next to me, not really saying anything, just standing there! Jasper was barking at him, and the man got scared and backed off. Good old Jaspy! :) But when Jasper ran off to find some privacy, the man moved closer again.
But still, I was totally creeped out. And he's still out there, with one other guy. They were in the pool, just sitting in the chairs, drinking beer. But now, it's like they're right outside my door! I can still hear them.
I can't help but wish that Brandon was here. Then I'd feel completely safe. ((Sigh))
I just can't believe he could just...discard me that way. Without a second thought, or a backward glance. It hurts so bad.
Last night, I wrote a poem. I couldn't stop crying, so obviously, I couldn't sleep, and all these thoughts were just flying through my head, about our relationship, and how betrayed I feel, and just...everything. I couldn't make them stop. So I just...wrote them down.
And when I finished the poem, it was like I'd released something, you know? And I finally went to sleep.
When I woke up this morning, I read the poem, and I thought... I want him to read this. I just...want him to have it. Even though it may be inconsequential to him, I just...need him to have this. Sort of like a closure type thing. I mean, I wrote for him, about him. And I figure, maybe someday, he'll look back, and he'll read it, and realize his mistakes. Whether or not that will work in my favor doesn't matter.
So I rewrote it, all nice, without all the scratchings, and I folded it up with a notecard that said,

"Brandon,
I just...wanted you to have this.

Goodbye.

Always,
Peyton"

Here is the poem. And nobody better plagiarize!!! Cuz I put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into it.

You took a sudden hold of me
When I close my eyes, you're all I see
I breathe you in, you breathe me out
Will I never know what Love's about?

You disarmed me with your boyish grin
How easy I was taken in
But had I know what was to come
I'd tell myself to just be numb

What started innocent and true
A game of cat and mouse pursuit
A path unfurled, a light to follow
The ending twisted, dark, and hollow

A heart that beats, a heart that bleeds
A heart that wants, a heart that needs
An empty shell cannot receive
With empty words I was deceived

The time, the thought, the Love I gave
All for naught, lie in my grave
Because you took it all for granted
How'd you become so disenchanted?

I wanted you, I wanted me
But what I saw, you couldn't see
Blind with fear and self preserving
You pulled away, with force unswerving

You used me up, threw me away
And now I'm supposed to be okay
When everything I Love is lost
And I'm the one to pay the cost

They say that when you lose, you learn
To appreciate what you have burned
And now it's over, dead and gone
I've given up, I have withdrawn

I hope that this is what you wanted
I'm empty too; cast out, unwanted
How can you look at me and say
I loved you then, but not today?

I've decided to call it, Not Today.
So when I got to work, there he was, standing at the door. I dropped the envelope on the table in front of him, without saying a word, and walked inside. I peeked at him reading it through the window. When he finished, he folded it all back up, put it back inside the envelope, and put it in his back pocket. I hope he doesn't throw it away.
And I'm glad that he read it, because he must know, how raw I am; how exposed; how vulnerable. How he made me that way. As much as I appear to be strong, and mad, and indifferent on the outside, that poem is really how I feel.
And now he knows.
I have nothing left to say to him.

France

Sunday, June 21, 7:25pm. 12:25pm Hou
Emma and I got into a tiff in Monaco. My camera battery died, and I really wanted to stay in a hotel so we could charge it. She said, "We're sleeping on the side of the road tonight, honey" in a condescending tone that really pissed me off. I told her not to call me "honey", she said I was being bitchy, I said she needed to quit patronizing me, etc ect... I ended up walking off alone. We were on top of this huge mountain where the royal family lived in their palace and the view was gorgeous. I was feeling so alone, and frustrated, I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes. So I found a secluded spot, looked out at the beautiful view and called Brandon. It was so good to hear his voice. I miss him so much. He made me feel a lot better. After a while, Emma and Davíd came back. She acted as if nothing had happened and I followed suit. We havent argued since then.
However, we have not been getting along with the boys. I cant STAND Davíd! Hes such a thorn in everyone's side. An insufferable, controlling, know it all! I cant even stand the sound of his voice!! I'm so glad that when this trip ends, I will at least be as far away from him as possible. He totally bosses Stajno around; he acts like a jealous girlfriend with him! And for some reason, Stajno just takes it. But neither of them want to spend any money anywhere. Not restaurants, not hostels, not even a tent! Every night they sleep on the ground outside. And let me tell you, the nights here are FRRRREEEEZING! I'm talking like 25 mph 30 degree winds! They're so lame, I dont even know why they wanted to come! Both me and Emma take every opportunity we can to get away from them. Ugh. Oh, and I forgot to mention, Stajno was on antibiotics from the start of this trip. He's SICK. And CONTAGIOUS. And he and Davíd have been sharing everything, so we cant share any food with them cuz its all contaminated. And yet, they put their mouths and hands on practically all the food in sight! Its completely inconsiderate! ((Sigh!))
Anyways, that night in Monaco, we ended up camping on the side of the road at some small park. We woke up to find our tent was standing right next to a pile of human feces. How wonderful. But the boys got eaten alive by mosquitos that night. Emma and I couldnt help but be smug.
The next morning we drove to Nice, but the boys didnt wanna go into the city cuz they said it was "boring" and they'd already seen it, blablabla, they just wanted to go to the beach. So we parked on the seawall and went to the beach. Then after like 1 hr, they decided they were bored just sitting on the beach, and they wanted to go walk around. After they told us they didn't want to go walk around! Ugh.. So they left all their stuff and took off. Then, when Emma and I decided we wanted to go find a restaurant, and we were stuck with all their crap! We were going to put it in the car for them, till we saw their nasty, skid marked underwear! So we just left their stuff on the beach. I mean it's not our responsibility! Besides, who would want a crummy old blanket and some dirty mens underwear? So we took off into the city. Nice actually reminds me of California; the whole city is organized around the beach, similar houses, little historical architecture. So when we met back up with the boys, we decided to move on.
We went to Grasse, the capital of the world in perfume making. We stopped in a parfumerie, and got some gifts. It was really awesome, but of course Davíd was anxious to go. And even though Stajno was shopping too, looking for gifts for his mom, Davíd gave him dirty looks from the car, until finally, Stajno went outside to wait with him. So we had to leave earlier than we would have liked.
After Grasse, we went to see the grand canyon of Europe, which was amazing. We took tons of photos. Then onto Le Lac de St. Croix, which feeds into the canyon. Its this beautiful azure, turquoise color. We camped there for 2 nights. The first night, Emma and I walked up to the little village on the hill and got some delicious authentic French food. We even had snails! The food was amazing!
The next morning, Emma and I spent the whole day on the lake, just laying out and swimming. The water was cold, but refreshing. I even got a little sunburned that day. That evening we got back to camp and Davíd was being especially bitchy about something. Of course, they were all speaking Slovakian so I had no idea what they were talking about. Then, I later learned that the boys went to see the lavender fields that day, without us. Emma was practically in tears about it cuz that was literally the only thing she wanted to see the whole trip. Seriously, she talked all our ears off about it. And Davíd had said that it sounded "gay and boring" and he didn't wanna go, etc, and then he went and saw them without us just to be spiteful. So Emma and I talked about it and decided to not give Davíd the reaction he was hoping for. Instead, Emma coyly asked them if they wanted to drive up to the fields for a "romantic picnic". (Inward gag) Surprisingly, it worked!
The fields were breath taking. We took tons of pictures. I got one really good one that I'm super excited about. Afterwards, me, Emma and Stajno went to get crepes in the village. Davíd wasn't feeling well, so he didn't join us. Darn. I LOOOOOOVE crepes!! I could eat them for every meal! We had some wine too, and got a little tipsy. Then we walked back to camp and went sleep. I lost my necklace that day too. I put it in the tent that morning, but it must have fallen out sometime during the day. Oh well. Macy's.

This morning we woke up at 8:30, showered and packed up. The boys contaminated our bread so I didnt get any breakfast. I was not happy. We started off towards some small picturesque villages. On the way we stopped by a grocery store and Emma and I got our OWN groceries.
The villages were perfectly picturesque, but other than the photographs, not that exciting. We saw a monastery, more lavender fields, and the Fountaine de Vaucluse, which is a river that comes out of a rock. That was pretty anticlimactic, but cool I guess. Now we're on our way to Camargue to see their famous white horses, and hopefully get some riding in. Emma and I are both just about ready to go home. Not cuz we're tired, we're just sick of the boys! Every morning, they wake us up at the buttcrack of dawn with their horrible singing. I mean obviously they cant sleep past first light without a tent! They're annoying, inconsiderate and rude. They're contaminating all our food, and just driving us NUTS! I never thought I could look forward to going home so much. I just miss my friends, my family, my dog, and my man. And I cant wait to get away from Babydick and his girlfriend!! ((Sigh))

Greetings from SK!

Well I'm here in Slovakia with Emma. Everything is going great so far. We're about to plan our trip right now. So I won't really be able to write much. My stupid luggage still isn't here though!!! It was supposed to get here last night at 6pm, but it never came, and then today, we called and they said my stuff never even left the states!!! How is that even possible?!?! Ugh!! But, Emma said not to worry, their airport is just really small, and it'll come today. So I really hope so. It's so cold here! I only brought one sweater, and not any long sleeve shirts, so I really hope it warms up. It's like 68 and windy today. But still sunny, so that's a plus.
I miss Brandon terribly, and Jasper too. I haven't gotten to talk to him yet, but I sent him an email last night. Of course, I'm in a completely different time zone now though.
Well, g/g!

12:21am SK, Thurs, June 11, 5:21pm Hou
In a hotel now. Slept from 4 till about 10:30pm. Emma's apartment is being remodeled so we can't stay there. My luggage was supposed to arrive around 6 but it never came. Now i'm worried they lost it or something! But Emma says I'll get it tomorrow for sure. We've started talking about our trip and planning it out and stuff. It sounds so exciting! ((Sigh)) I miss Brandon and Jasper.

Happy Turkey Day!

So here I am in New Orleans! Thanksgiving dinner was amazing, as always. Sophie and I ate so much today, we named our inner fat girls. Lol. This post is gonna be short cuz I'm just about to go to sleep. We're all going to Cafe Du Monde for breakfast tomorrow morning and I definitely wanna be awake for that!
I'm missing Brandon like crazy...his warm body next to mine, his kisses, his voice, his scent, his perfect smile... He's been calling and texting me a lot though so I know he misses me too. :) I just can't wait to see him! I mean I'm falling so hard for him it's scary. Or at least it should be scary, but it's not! For once, it's a welcome feeling. And you know why that is? Because I know that no matter how far, or how hard I fall, Brandon will still be there to catch me when I reach the bottom. ((Sigh))

I Miss You

Dude...has anyone seen that new Beyonce video "If I Was A Boy"?? It's SO freakin' good! And I don't even like Beyonce! I mean really, every time she comes on the radio, I change the station! But that video is just so true...
Anyways, that was just a little tidbit that was on my mind.

So, it seems that I have the worst luck ever when it comes to dating. When I woke up this morning, I had a text from Brandon, explaining that all day yesterday, he thought it was Tuesday. Therefore he thought today was Wednesday, up until this morning that is. But since today was actually Thursday, he couldn't make our date, because he had to leave for Florida right after work. ((sigh))
I mean I knew he had a trip to Florida coming up. He's mentioned it a couple times, but I forgot about it. And I was really bummed that we couldn't go out tonight. I ended up staying home, watching my DVR and cleaning my apartment. I figured I may as well stay in and save some money. I have some stuff coming up in November and January that I'm gonna need to save money for so...yea. My night was lame.
And what sucks even more is all I've been doing is thinking about Brandon! I actually miss him! What is wrong with me?! I mean I was really hoping that after dinner he'd come over and hopefully spend the night. I really enjoyed cuddling with him. :)
G's I'm so pathetic. This is exactly how it always starts: with me setting myself up for disappointment. I shouldn't expect these things. You'd think I would have learned by now.
Well, at least he comes back Sunday, and I'm off that day, so maybe I'll get to see him. But I won't plan on it.

I talked to my mom on the phone today. She and my dad and a couple of their friends just hopped a cruise ship to Hawaii. It was their 25th wedding anniversary last month. So I won't be able to talk to my parents for 4 days till they get there. It's so weird, cuz I actually miss my mom! I mean not that I don't ever miss her, it's just that they just left! And it's not like I see her everyday anyways, so I dunno why I miss her so much now. I guess it's because I'm worried about her, and we talk on the phone at least every other day these days. Her birthday was on Tuesday. I got her a really sappy card and a charm for her bracelet; it was the awareness ribbon. She really liked it.
When I talked to her on the phone today she started crying. Her hair is just starting to fall out. They said it would after 18 days. And they gave her 2 doses of Taxol (chemo drugs) before she left, to make up for the week she's gonna have to miss, so she's been feeling a little sick. ((sigh)) It really just breaks my heart that my mom is going through all this. I tried to cheer her up on the phone. I've always been good at that. My mom thinks I'm the funniest person alive. Lol. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am pretty damn funny, but you know how moms are... So I told her to keep her spirits up and relax, and slap that wig on and have a good time. Haha.
I'm sure my parents will have fun. They never get to do fun, exciting stuff like this. And the timing couldn't be more perfect. It's exactly what my mom needs right now.

Well...I guess I'm gonna go read in bed till I fall asleep. Taryn and I are supposed to go shop for Halloween costumes tomorrow. Ugh...
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Halloween???

Question...

((Sigh))
Suck.
I really wanna e-mail him. Daniel, I mean. I don't know why, or even what I would say.
"Hey, Peyton here... Just wanted to tell you I'm still madly in love with you and I want you back. Not any chance of that happening I suppose...?"

What's wrong with me!?
Is this just one of those psychological things where I can't let him go because he "got away" or something??
Why do I think about him 24/7?
Why does EVERYTHING remind me of him?
Why do I seem to have this unhealthy obsession with him, when he clearly does NOT feel the same way about me???

I JUST WANNA MOVE ON!!!!
SERIOUSLY!!

I wanna forget about what we had, I wanna forget about how I felt about him, how I still feel about him, I wanna forget about us, I wanna forget about him.

And here's the worst part...
I have a confession to make.
I have a new crutch.
Something that really helps me to not think about him.
Helps me to not think about anything in particular really, except how incredibly light and happy I feel when I'm doing it.
And if you haven't figured out what I'm talking about yet, then I'll tell you all before you start spinning any wild stories.
Reefer.
About twice a week with Bethany, or Mark from work, or whenever I go out on the boat. I don't do it alone, or everyday or anything. Just in social settings. I kind of replaced drinking with smoking ever since my horrible drinking incident at Tug's party which landed me in Evan's bed, past out drunk after an hour of puking. (Let me remind you all, that was the day he dumped me.) Ugh...
I didn't write about it before because I know what kind of reaction I'm going to get. An onslaught of judgmental, berating comments. But at this point...I don't even give a fuck. Seriously. Who cares about anything anymore??
My life is a suckfest.

At Daniel's apartment complex where he works, they have their own bottled water, with their logo on it, to give to clients.
A couple bottles ended up in my car. Some that he left. Some that I left.
I'm not sure when exactly she took them, but my mom recycles used water bottles, refills them, and keeps them in the fridge.
Everytime I open the refridgerator and see one of those bottles, I hide it in the back, behind the milk.

Beneath The Surface

I don't know if I can do this. I miss Daniel. WHY do I miss him so much??? Why can't I just forget about him?! He's a jerk, and a waste of my time. And yet...I still love him.
((sigh))
Brady and I went on our first date tonight. It was nice to finally meet him in person. He's really nice and I like him and everything, but...I just can't help but think about Daniel. Everything Brady and I talked about made me think of him. It's like a virus! And it's spreading and I can't make it stop!
I dunno if I'm ready for this. Dating.
I thought it would be a good distraction. And it seemed like a good idea at the time... I thought I was doing so much better, I thought I was moving on...but it seems like all I've really done is bury him, deep inside of me. But he's still very much there, just waiting to resurface when I'm feeling most vulnerable.