Well apparently Abbie's wife has been cheating on her since February with some woman she works with. Abbie's twin, Reagan, found out quite by accident. They all share a family phone plan, and Reagan was looking over the bill when she noticed that Helen's call log had been manually deleted, which was odd, as well as a strange number that was being texted a lot, late at night. So she mentioned it to Abbie, and Abbie confronted Helen, and she denied it at first, but "gradually" came clean, only admitting to a little bit at a time.
Abbie said she is heartbroken, and still loves Helen, and she thought they were still in their honeymoon phase, despite the fact that Helen has been callous and bitchy towards her recently. She cried on the phone, and said she feels like a failure and she doesn't want to tell anyone that Helen cheated. I think she's being way too accommodating. What a cunt! Ugh... I feel so bad for her. But she said her new job as a flight attendant has helped keep her distracted and busy. So that's good. Hopefully she'll meet some new people and being away from Helen will make it easier for her to move on.
So that's what's going on with that.
So for the past several months, Lauren has been kind of seeing this guy she met on Tinder who lives in Dallas. He's been here to visit a few times, and she's gone there, but she always spoke of him as if he was more of a friend than a romantic interest. Like, she thinks he's really funny and they have a good time together, but she wasn't that attracted to him physically. And then there was the fact that they basically never had sex. Apparently she tried to initiate it several times, and it just...didn't work. So that's definitely not a good sign. So based on all of that, I never really gave Dallas Guy much thought. But then she went there this past weekend and she told me on Sunday that he asked her to move in with him! IN DALLAS! Apparently the lack of sex was due to the fact that he "really really likes her" and was nervous, and after they talked about it, everything was fine in the bedroom. And she said she is actually thinking about it. If she leaves, I'll just DIE!! She is my ONLY remaining single friend! Not to mention, basically my only friend AT ALL here in NOLA. I mean, there's Bethany, but we just don't have much in common anymore and I don't feel as close to her as I did back in the day. Plus, she's completely consumed with work and wedding planning. Ugh.
If Lauren leaves, who will I go out with on the weekends? Who will be my trusty wingwoman? Who will go to last minute happy hour with me? Who will be my travel buddy on road trips to Houston??? MY SOCIAL LIFE IS GOING TO DIE A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH! Not to mention my sex/dating life, which I pretty much owe entirely to her. I never would have met any of the guys I met this year if I wasn't out with Lauren. ((Sigh))
I know Sophie is coming, which is good, but...it's not the same as having a girlfriend my own age to pal around with. And she doesn't really go out much, and we run in very different circles. We've always had our own friends. I've had terrible anxiety over this for the last couple days, because I don't want my life to go back to the way it was. When I was boring and always at home watching tv and eating. I could gain back all the weight I lost! UGHHHHHH....
Making new friends is hard.
Meeting men is hard.
I thought I had a handle on that situation, but now all of that could go down the toilet. ((Sigh))
I haven't heard from Kyle all week either. Not since he apologized for responding late to a text I sent him. He was at a haunted house with his brother and he said he doesn't like to be on his phone when he's doing things with other people, which I understand and respect. But now he's in Miami all week, and I told myself I wouldn't text him AT ALL. And I haven't. But he hasn't texted me either, which is not a good sign.
Showing posts with label Abbie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Abbie. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Sex, Dating, Marriage and Cheating
Sorry if I left you guys hanging. Apparently some of you were confused by my reaction to finding out "The Cheater" had a gf. Ok. Initially yea, maybe my reaction was inappropriately strong. But it obviously came as a complete shock to me. And yes, it's true, I knew next to nothing about the guy when I slept with him, and what we had lasted one night, and was 85% just physical. The fact still remains, I wouldn't have done any of it if I'd known he was supposed to be committed to another person. I'm not ok with that. I'm not a pure hedonist, there is always a line we have to draw. After everything that happened with Lane, I came out the other side of a dark tunnel pretty much, with my back straight and my head up, refusing to let my broken heart take me deeper into that tunnel, where surely depression and anxiety and hopelessness waited for me. I've been there before, I'm familiar with the road that leads to that, and I made a choice not to take that road. Instead, I chose the road of distraction, pleasure and indulgence. I don't regret that choice, because it's far better than the alternative, but perhaps I continued down that path a little too long. And finding out about Eric's girlfriend was sort of an eye opener. I'm not saying I'm going to revirginize myself or anything, but going forward, I want to be a bit more informed on my choices. I don't think cheating is ok, ever. Under any circumstances. I've cheated, and been cheated on. In the long run, it's hurtful to everyone involved, and any pleasure derived from the experience comes at a hefty price. Not to mention, it's baggage I just don't need! So those are my feelings on that.
Anyway, Abbie just called and dropped a huge bomb on me. She and Helen are getting a divorce. They haven't even been married a year! The selfish part of me is angry because I spent so much money to be in their wedding and had to fly to Chicago when I was broke and going through a really rough time, and so much time and thought (and more money) went into the gift I got/made for them, and so much time and grief (on my part as well as Abbie's) went into their whole courtship (I was in Chicago for all of that), and now it's all just going down the drain! The phone call was very brief, because Abbie was at work, but she did tell me that Helen cheated, and apparently her twin sister, Reagan, is the one who figured it out. She promised to call me later tonight and explain everything. ((Sigh)) I'm going to be thinking and wondering and speculating about this all day. Of course I feel awful for Abbie, and genuinely shocked. They seemed so in love! And I really did believe Helen was the best woman for the job! (Being Abbie's wife) Cuz Abbie's no walk in the park. I mean, just being her friend was pretty much a full-time job, and she's high maintenance! Maybe that's why Helen cheated? She's also pretty young. I think she was only 24 or 25 when they got married. Still! NOT AN EXCUSE TO CHEAT! Ugh...
Every time this happens I lose a little bit more hope for myself. I know, I know, it's not about me. But if any of you are one of the last TWO single people left in your group of friends, you'll understand. It's just me and Lauren now. One of us will end up in a relationship eventually, and the other one will be fucked. And I don't want it to be Lauren, but of course, I don't want it to be me either. ((Sigh))
Speaking of relationships, Chris hasn't answered my last 2 texts. At first I thought he might be traveling, because the last time I saw him, he mentioned he was gonna have to go to Detroit and somewhere else. But in the past, he's always been pretty good at responding to my messages, so either I said or did something the night of my bday that put him off or freaked him out, or it's just ran its course. Who knows? Our time together had an expiration date anyway, so perhaps it's better this way.
And Kyle promised to take me out for a late bday dinner as well. That was supposed to happen the weekend after my birthday. We had a restaurant picked out and he was going to pick me up and everything. But the morning of our date, he called and said he left his work laptop at his hotel in Dallas and had to drive all the way back to get it because he could get in big trouble. He apologized a lot and begged me not to hate him and swore he'd make it up to me, but we have yet to reschedule. ((Eye roll)) First he got sent off shore, and this weekend I'm super busy with work, and on Sunday he's leaving for a work conference in Miami for a week. Ugh! I'm not sure if this will ever happen. Maybe in another 2 years? Lol. As much as I would like to see him and find out if we still have that chemistry we had 2 years ago, I'm not holding my breath. But in the meantime, my bootycall well has dried up. So I'm taking that as a sign that my 6 month foray into the life of Dorian Gray has come to an end. I really do want something more meaningful than that.
Anyway, Abbie just called and dropped a huge bomb on me. She and Helen are getting a divorce. They haven't even been married a year! The selfish part of me is angry because I spent so much money to be in their wedding and had to fly to Chicago when I was broke and going through a really rough time, and so much time and thought (and more money) went into the gift I got/made for them, and so much time and grief (on my part as well as Abbie's) went into their whole courtship (I was in Chicago for all of that), and now it's all just going down the drain! The phone call was very brief, because Abbie was at work, but she did tell me that Helen cheated, and apparently her twin sister, Reagan, is the one who figured it out. She promised to call me later tonight and explain everything. ((Sigh)) I'm going to be thinking and wondering and speculating about this all day. Of course I feel awful for Abbie, and genuinely shocked. They seemed so in love! And I really did believe Helen was the best woman for the job! (Being Abbie's wife) Cuz Abbie's no walk in the park. I mean, just being her friend was pretty much a full-time job, and she's high maintenance! Maybe that's why Helen cheated? She's also pretty young. I think she was only 24 or 25 when they got married. Still! NOT AN EXCUSE TO CHEAT! Ugh...
Every time this happens I lose a little bit more hope for myself. I know, I know, it's not about me. But if any of you are one of the last TWO single people left in your group of friends, you'll understand. It's just me and Lauren now. One of us will end up in a relationship eventually, and the other one will be fucked. And I don't want it to be Lauren, but of course, I don't want it to be me either. ((Sigh))
Speaking of relationships, Chris hasn't answered my last 2 texts. At first I thought he might be traveling, because the last time I saw him, he mentioned he was gonna have to go to Detroit and somewhere else. But in the past, he's always been pretty good at responding to my messages, so either I said or did something the night of my bday that put him off or freaked him out, or it's just ran its course. Who knows? Our time together had an expiration date anyway, so perhaps it's better this way.
And Kyle promised to take me out for a late bday dinner as well. That was supposed to happen the weekend after my birthday. We had a restaurant picked out and he was going to pick me up and everything. But the morning of our date, he called and said he left his work laptop at his hotel in Dallas and had to drive all the way back to get it because he could get in big trouble. He apologized a lot and begged me not to hate him and swore he'd make it up to me, but we have yet to reschedule. ((Eye roll)) First he got sent off shore, and this weekend I'm super busy with work, and on Sunday he's leaving for a work conference in Miami for a week. Ugh! I'm not sure if this will ever happen. Maybe in another 2 years? Lol. As much as I would like to see him and find out if we still have that chemistry we had 2 years ago, I'm not holding my breath. But in the meantime, my bootycall well has dried up. So I'm taking that as a sign that my 6 month foray into the life of Dorian Gray has come to an end. I really do want something more meaningful than that.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I'm Back! For Real This Time...
I just decided that I am going to recommit to this blog. I'm going to try to post AT LEAST once a week, even if nothing is going on, so that I can get my readership back up. I like knowing that there are people out there listening to what I have to say, even if I can't really communicate with them directly. It's also really nice to have subjective opinions on things. And I think I might actually have some things to talk about. So I'm just gonna dive in!
Well, I graduated from art school. Yay!! I'm seriously so glad it's over. My last semester was terribly stressful. Ugh. And I've even booked a couple weddings this summer! One in Florida, and one in Mexico - how cool is that?? Anyway, I'm now in, what I believe to be, my last few months living in Chicago. I'm just working, and I'm taking piano lessons again. And I'm trying to get back into the dating game. You guys, it's been over a year since I've slept with anyone. I've practically been revirginized. Lol. But that's not really what I'm after, I just wanna have somebody to do things with! Sex would be a perk, obviously, but I've gone so long without it at this point I may as well just continue being celibate for the sake of my dating sanity.
So, you've all heard of Tinder by now, I'm assuming? Well even though I am very anti online dating, I saw my coworker, Ananda, using the app at work the other day, and I was looking over her shoulder, and we were both just kinda, "Oh, he's cute!" and "NOPE!" and it was funny and entertaining, so I decided to give it a shot. Well after about a month, and several matches, I never attempted to talk to anyone. That would just make it too...online datingish. And I'm against that. So I was like no, I'm just looking. But then this guy that I "liked" messaged me out of the blue, and I can't remember what he said exactly, but it was something that sparked my attention, and we got to talking. His name is Richard. And it turns out that Richard and I have a lot in common. He loves photography, he reads, he's even read Harry Potter! And, speaking of Harry Potter, he's from the UK, which means he has a sexy accent. Lol. And he's smart, and funny, and has a steady job. He's a biology teacher. All the things I'm looking for in a guy. But I'm not gonna lie, the whole I'mBritishandI'veReadHarryPotter thing really sealed the deal for me as far as he is concerned. Lol.
So for about a week we chatted on the app, and I was starting to get impatient, wondering if he was ever just going to ask me out! THAT is exactly the reason I don't like online dating. Because you invest all this time messaging each other back and forth, and you talk, and it's like you're getting to know each other, but your'e really not. And you're using up all the good first date conversations. And then when you finally do meet the person, if you don't like them, it's harder to cut ties, because you've already spent all this time chatting with them online! What it all boils down to, for me, is chemistry. I know right off the bat if I have chemistry with someone, but I can only determine that if I actually meet the guy in person! So I hate spending a lot of time chatting on the internet. It just feels like a waste to me. But then finally, on Superbowl Sunday, Richard asked for my phone number. I was out watching the game at a bar with Abbie and her girlfriend, Helen, when he finally asked what my week was looking like. So I told him I was free on Monday and Wednesday, but that Wednesday worked best for me. And he said something like, "Great, that works for me."
Monday we didn't talk all day, Tuesday I didn't hear from him either, and I was starting to wonder if I was going to, when I just said fuck it, and texted him. All I said was, "Hi!" And he said, "Hey! How was your day?" and we small talked for a minute and then I asked him if we were still on for tomorrow. He said, "Yea, I'm looking forward to it."
I suggested 8 o'clock because I had a piano lesson, but he said that was kinda late for him because he has work to do when he gets home from work. (Grading papers??) And he said maybe we could do it another day. But I told him I could manage 7 if that wasn't too late, and he said that should work. So we picked a place and that was that.
Well I had to get up extra early today to get ready, because I had errands to run, and then my 2 hour piano lesson (I have a performance Sunday) and then straight on to the date! So I had to plan ahead cuz I knew I wasn't going to have time to get ready after all that. So I painted my nails, curled my hair, picked out a nice, but casual, outfit and I was almost out the door when he texted me. He can't make it. He has a work meeting, and then still more work to do, so he doesn't have time, but can we reschedule?
I was so pissed right off the bat that I didn't text him back right away. I mean, I went to all that trouble for nothing! WTF?! Ugh. So I didn't text him back for like a half hour, then I just said, "Awe man, that sucks!"
Well after my piano lesson, I saw that he had responded saying he's sorry and he'd rather meet on a day when he's not so busy and he can relax. Whatever that means... So I asked him what days work best for him. Well, like FIVE HOURS later he finally replies with his schedule or whatever, and I texted him back shortly with mine. And then I think he went to sleep or something cuz I never heard back from him. Everything about it just makes me so frustrated and discouraged. Now I remember why I hate dating. Online dating specifically. But I'm not ready to give up on Richard yet, because...I like him. I think. We'll see. I hope he doesn't smoke or something.
Well, that's my Tinder story. So does anybody remember John? He's this guy I used to work with at the bar in Houston, and we've made out a few times. We never hooked up, but we've always had this incredible chemistry. So now he works for this huge international company doing like...geological engineering or some shit like that. He gets to travel all over the world, so I pretty much never know where he is. But we've kept in touch since I moved. He's one of the few people from the old bar that I kept in touch with actually. With the exception of my best friends, of course. It's weird though, we have these really long text message conversations while he's all over the world, doing science. Lol. That's what I call his work, because when he tried to explain it to me, it just sounded like a bunch of weird mumbo jumbo engineering jargon. Anyway, recently he featured in two of my dreams. Like two in one week, it was crazy. So I texted him to tell him about it. I was lost in some jungle and he basically saved me. Haha. He was in the marines in real life, so that's a believable story. But he said the dream made him really happy. :) He's so sweet. So I've been talking to him all night, since getting bailed on by my date, and it has definitely put me in better spirits. I wish we could have these awesome conversations in person instead of via text messaging. I often wonder if we'd even be having these conversations at all if I had slept with him way back when. Maybe there is something to this whole sexual abstinence thing... Ha!
Well, I graduated from art school. Yay!! I'm seriously so glad it's over. My last semester was terribly stressful. Ugh. And I've even booked a couple weddings this summer! One in Florida, and one in Mexico - how cool is that?? Anyway, I'm now in, what I believe to be, my last few months living in Chicago. I'm just working, and I'm taking piano lessons again. And I'm trying to get back into the dating game. You guys, it's been over a year since I've slept with anyone. I've practically been revirginized. Lol. But that's not really what I'm after, I just wanna have somebody to do things with! Sex would be a perk, obviously, but I've gone so long without it at this point I may as well just continue being celibate for the sake of my dating sanity.
So, you've all heard of Tinder by now, I'm assuming? Well even though I am very anti online dating, I saw my coworker, Ananda, using the app at work the other day, and I was looking over her shoulder, and we were both just kinda, "Oh, he's cute!" and "NOPE!" and it was funny and entertaining, so I decided to give it a shot. Well after about a month, and several matches, I never attempted to talk to anyone. That would just make it too...online datingish. And I'm against that. So I was like no, I'm just looking. But then this guy that I "liked" messaged me out of the blue, and I can't remember what he said exactly, but it was something that sparked my attention, and we got to talking. His name is Richard. And it turns out that Richard and I have a lot in common. He loves photography, he reads, he's even read Harry Potter! And, speaking of Harry Potter, he's from the UK, which means he has a sexy accent. Lol. And he's smart, and funny, and has a steady job. He's a biology teacher. All the things I'm looking for in a guy. But I'm not gonna lie, the whole I'mBritishandI'veReadHarryPotter thing really sealed the deal for me as far as he is concerned. Lol.
So for about a week we chatted on the app, and I was starting to get impatient, wondering if he was ever just going to ask me out! THAT is exactly the reason I don't like online dating. Because you invest all this time messaging each other back and forth, and you talk, and it's like you're getting to know each other, but your'e really not. And you're using up all the good first date conversations. And then when you finally do meet the person, if you don't like them, it's harder to cut ties, because you've already spent all this time chatting with them online! What it all boils down to, for me, is chemistry. I know right off the bat if I have chemistry with someone, but I can only determine that if I actually meet the guy in person! So I hate spending a lot of time chatting on the internet. It just feels like a waste to me. But then finally, on Superbowl Sunday, Richard asked for my phone number. I was out watching the game at a bar with Abbie and her girlfriend, Helen, when he finally asked what my week was looking like. So I told him I was free on Monday and Wednesday, but that Wednesday worked best for me. And he said something like, "Great, that works for me."
Monday we didn't talk all day, Tuesday I didn't hear from him either, and I was starting to wonder if I was going to, when I just said fuck it, and texted him. All I said was, "Hi!" And he said, "Hey! How was your day?" and we small talked for a minute and then I asked him if we were still on for tomorrow. He said, "Yea, I'm looking forward to it."
I suggested 8 o'clock because I had a piano lesson, but he said that was kinda late for him because he has work to do when he gets home from work. (Grading papers??) And he said maybe we could do it another day. But I told him I could manage 7 if that wasn't too late, and he said that should work. So we picked a place and that was that.
Well I had to get up extra early today to get ready, because I had errands to run, and then my 2 hour piano lesson (I have a performance Sunday) and then straight on to the date! So I had to plan ahead cuz I knew I wasn't going to have time to get ready after all that. So I painted my nails, curled my hair, picked out a nice, but casual, outfit and I was almost out the door when he texted me. He can't make it. He has a work meeting, and then still more work to do, so he doesn't have time, but can we reschedule?
I was so pissed right off the bat that I didn't text him back right away. I mean, I went to all that trouble for nothing! WTF?! Ugh. So I didn't text him back for like a half hour, then I just said, "Awe man, that sucks!"
Well after my piano lesson, I saw that he had responded saying he's sorry and he'd rather meet on a day when he's not so busy and he can relax. Whatever that means... So I asked him what days work best for him. Well, like FIVE HOURS later he finally replies with his schedule or whatever, and I texted him back shortly with mine. And then I think he went to sleep or something cuz I never heard back from him. Everything about it just makes me so frustrated and discouraged. Now I remember why I hate dating. Online dating specifically. But I'm not ready to give up on Richard yet, because...I like him. I think. We'll see. I hope he doesn't smoke or something.
Well, that's my Tinder story. So does anybody remember John? He's this guy I used to work with at the bar in Houston, and we've made out a few times. We never hooked up, but we've always had this incredible chemistry. So now he works for this huge international company doing like...geological engineering or some shit like that. He gets to travel all over the world, so I pretty much never know where he is. But we've kept in touch since I moved. He's one of the few people from the old bar that I kept in touch with actually. With the exception of my best friends, of course. It's weird though, we have these really long text message conversations while he's all over the world, doing science. Lol. That's what I call his work, because when he tried to explain it to me, it just sounded like a bunch of weird mumbo jumbo engineering jargon. Anyway, recently he featured in two of my dreams. Like two in one week, it was crazy. So I texted him to tell him about it. I was lost in some jungle and he basically saved me. Haha. He was in the marines in real life, so that's a believable story. But he said the dream made him really happy. :) He's so sweet. So I've been talking to him all night, since getting bailed on by my date, and it has definitely put me in better spirits. I wish we could have these awesome conversations in person instead of via text messaging. I often wonder if we'd even be having these conversations at all if I had slept with him way back when. Maybe there is something to this whole sexual abstinence thing... Ha!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
The Weekend of Exes
Remember a couple weeks ago when Brazil sent me a friend request? Well, I accepted it. Mostly out of morbid curiosity. I just wanted to know what he wanted. Well, 2 weeks went by, and nothing happened, so I deleted him again. And then I made Abbie delete him from her friends too. So that was that.
Now let's take an even longer trip down memory lane, shall we? Remember my old boyfriend BJ? (<-- Visit this link to catch up) Well Friday morning, I had a dream about him, sorta. In the dream he had this really beautiful horse, and I wanted to show a picture of the horse to my girlfriend (can't remember who). So I had BJ's phone, and I was scrolling through his pics looking for the pic of his horse. And I came across this picture of a bunch of us at the beach, and I was in the background of this picture, adjusting my swimsuit top, and my boob was totally showing. So I was like, "OMG you have to delete this!" And he was like, "Oh well I have copies" and for some reason, in the dream, I was just like, "haha, oh well!" It was like we were together in the dream or something. I dunno, but I woke up with this...renewed interest (?) in him. And of course I had to text him about the dream immediately. And I said, "So....do you have any naked pictures of me?"
And he didn't respond for quite a long time, so I started to think maybe he was weirded out or something by my text. And then I was like, "Oh shit, maybe he thinks I want to send him some naked pics?" Lol. So I texted him again to clarify, "Fyi I wasn't offering to send you a naked pic. Lol. I just had a dream last night that you had a picture of me, in which I had a wardrobe malfunction. Lol."
And again, he didn't respond! And it's just very unlike him to ignore a text like that, especially since we recently had a brief conversation. So I sent him a facebook message, asking if he changed his number. He responded immediately with the new number. LOL.
Here's our conversation....
Me: Dude, did you change your #??
BJ: Lol yes (phone number)
Me: Omg...good to know. I texted someone something weird this morning. Hhaha!
BJ: Lol please tell me they texted you back.
Me: Haha no, that's why I messaged you! But I said, "So...do you have any naked pictures of me?" And then there was no reply so I thought maybe I freaked you out or something and I felt the need to clarify so then I wrote:
Fyi I wasn't offering to send you a naked pic. Lol. I just had a dream last night that you had a picture of me, in which I had a wardrobe malfunction. Lol.
BJ: Lol if someone would've gotten that it seriously would've made my year.
Me: I really hope so .
Anyway, it was a funny dream.
BJ: Sounds like it, I'll be there next month, pencil me in
Me: When?
BJ: Oct 26
Me: How long are you staying here? And where are you staying? Lol sorry for the 20 questions
BJ: Just for the weekend
Me: Well where are you staying?
BJ: I may get a hotel I may stay at my buddies house haven't decided
Me: Stay with MEEEE!! Lol. Who do you know that lives here?
BJ: One of my best friends from the military
Me: Oh I see. Well you're welcome to crash with me if you want. I live near wrigley field.
BJ: Uh that sounds like greatness
So that was just our facebook conversation, which we were having while I was working, so it got busy and I wasn't able to respond t.o him for a while. But later, just before I left work, I texted him, and we small talked for a while, I'll spare you the boring stuff. Eventually he brought up the dream again.
BJ: So about those naked pictures of you, should I delete them....or.....
Me: Lol. In the ream it wasn't really a naked picture. [I explain the dream]
BJ: Lol I have mixed feelings about this story. Humor, obviously, envy of Dream Me, and jealousy because this wasn't real.
Me: BAHAHAHAHA!! I have mixed feelings about it as well, bc clearly, Dream Me didn't mind that you had this pic of me, and when I woke up I had this unexplainable urge to make out with you. Haha.
BJ: Dream You needs to do all of your thinking
Me: Hahaha. Is that so??
BJ: Uh yea, I miss your face, and have for a long time.
Me: You do??? Well that honestly surprises me since we hardly saw each other when I was living in Houston.
BJ: Lol well we chose different paths, I'm not cool, trendy, or hip so I didn't know what to do when you broke up with me. I was angry and confused, but that doesn't mean my feelings ever changed.
Me: What do you mean your feelings never changed?? I broke up with you mainly bc I felt like you were in a different place in your life than I was.* You were big into the frat/college scene and I wasn't really. I mean it was fun for a while, but I was kinda trying to figure my own life/shit out at the time. Plus, you lived an hour away! And I just wasn't ready for anything serious at the time.
*Side note: Also there was also Daniel...which obviously, I didn't include in my explanation, but I was young. It was what it was.
BJ: And you weren't wrong, but that's still not what I wanted.
Me: What's not what you wanted?
BJ: Breaking up
Me: Well don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you've never been exactly forthcoming with your feelings. And you were so hostile to me afterwards that I just assumed you didn't want anything to do with me. Also, I feel the need to ask, are you drunk right now?? [It was like 3am]
BJ: No, if I get a DUI, I get fired and fuck that shit! My job is too good to lose.
Me: Lol ok just wondering.... Well I'm sorry for all that. A lot has changed since then. I am much more...I dunno what work to use, experienced/pragmatic/realistic/grown up now. I have always considered you at least a friend, if not a good friend. But I guess I've never really known your feelings/opinions.
BJ: I know what you mean, I think the same is true for both of us, and I'm very aware that I'm not forthcoming with feelings, lol. To be honest, whether you realize it or not, you know more about me than probably anybody on the planet.
Me: What??? I find that very hard to believe...
BJ: It's very true, but I'm not going to explain why or how. I think I've maxed myself out on feelings sharing.
Me: Nooooo! Lol.
BJ: Lol what you don't realize is you've always had me.
BJ: I know that's probably not what a woman wants to hear because it's not challenging but it is what it is.
Me: You might be the most self-contradicting, confusing person I've ever met. I mean...it's just hard for me to accept that as truth after you pretty much dated all my friends! And I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it bc I had a huge thing for you in hs and you went after first Rikki, then Emma. And I won't even bring up the Cecilia thing, lol, but it just...doesn't make sense to me! I just...always thought you weren't that into me. Anyway, what does "challenging" have to do with anything?? I'm not 22 anymore.
BJ: Rikki was before I knew you liked me and Emma and I were always just friends. And Cecilia happened after I flew home for your birthday and found out you were making out with some other guy outside.
Me: I wasn't trying to put you on the defensive. you don't have to explain anything. That is all long in the past. I was just trying to explain why this is confusing for me. Not to mention the part where you never even hinted at any of this. You realize we fight like cats and dogs, right?? You act all macho in front of your friends, and I know it's just an act and it drives me crazy cuz I can't figure out why you act that way. And I'm confrontational and stubborn and weird and flighty and probably selfish and frustrating. This isn't exactly a 2+2=4 kind of equation. Anyway, I'm sorry for whatever pain and suffering I'm sure I caused you in the past. I hope that at least we can put all that behind us. [finally!]
BJ: But that's not even the point. Those aren't the girls who I've fought with, worked things out with and came back to for the last 12 years.
Me: You've worked things out with me bc I MADE you! I'm not the type to let go of friends easily. And I know the things we argue about are usually dumb. Definitely not worth losing a friendship over.
BJ: Everything you just say about us is 100% true, but I don't know, I really liked all of that, and I'm much less of a macho d-bag these days.
Me: Hahahaha well it's nice to know you're aware of your old habits... As for the rest, I agree, it kept things interesting. And it means a lot what you said, but I'm not sure that your feelings are really for ME, as I am now, and not just the idea of me, or the way you remember me. You have dated a lot of crazy broads, maybe I'm just the most agreeable out of all them. Lol. But really, it's been a long time since we've hung out and I'm not the same person anymore. I mean I am, but I'm not. You know?
BJ: Lol first you are not the most agreeable woman I've ever dated by a long shot, and I can imagine that you've grown and changed, that happens as we go through life, and in all reality you may such, I'm pretty sure I'm kind of lame these days, but I'm happy so screw it. And I'm visiting in a month so that'll be a chance to find out.
Me: True...but I don't want it to feel like we're putting a lot of pressure on one wkend. I am gonna have to work, ya know, it's Halloween. But we should try and catch up before then. So it's not like I'm talking to you for the first time in a million yrs.
BJ: Also, I wasn't trying to spring this on you, nor do I expect anything. These were just things I should've said a long time ago. Lol but I have a lot of plans that weekend, I was just saying we could get a meal together. No pressure at all.
Me: Well my offer still stands if you wanna stay with me. When are you flying back?
BJ: I still have to book my return ticket for Sunday.
Me: Well you should make it late. Lol. Cuz Sunday is the only day I won't have to work.
BJ: I can do that. Ok gorgeous I have to go to sleep. Sweet dreams.
BJ: Dream about sending me naked pictures, or just do. Lol.
Me: (: Night
So that was that conversation.
MIND IS BLOWN.
Right?? I mean I'm still trying to sort through all this. Mostly I can't figure out how I really feel about it, about him, because on the one hand, there's excitement you know, and it feels good to hear things like that from someone. But I don't know if I actually want to pursue this or not. And if he really feels that way about me, I don't want to lead him on either. Because I do really care about him as a friend, regardless of our romantic status. ((Sigh)) So confusing. We texted a bit today as well. So I know he wasn't just drunk word-vomiting Friday night.
Despite the quagmire that is my feelings, I'm not gonna lie, I feel...happy about it. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice?? Anyone???
Ok, now for tonight, Saturday night. Went to work, and it was me, Abbie and Warren as usual. Well around 11ish, Warren disappeared into the office to do some server closeouts and it's just me and Abbie behind the bar. And it's just starting to really get busy when GUESS WHO WALKS UP TO THE BAR??
If you guessed Brazil, you would be correct.
I just looked up and there he was, right in front of me, and I said, "What the fuck!" because I was surprised. And he was like ,"What, am I not allowed to be here?" And I said, "What? I didn't say that..."
And then he said, "You pretty much said that."
And I said, "No, I just said 'What the fuck' because you surprised me."
Then he asked how I was doing (great!) and how is Jasper and where am I living. And I was trying to be...unaffected and as nice as possible. But it was just so awkward! Finally he took his 2 beers and left, and we were busy so I had enough to be getting on with. He and his friend lurked in front of the bar until some people got up and then they sat down and stayed for at least an hour. I completely ignored him. I served drinks to people on either sides of him without even making eye contact with him. I just pretended he wasn't there pretty much. He made another attempt to talk to me once when I walked by. He asked how I was doing, and I just said, "Fine, just busy working" and walked away.
Then finally, Warren comes back from the office just as Brazil is about to leave. And he's standing at the end of the bar, obviously waiting to say goodbye to me, but I just kept ignoring him, and eventually he left. And Warren goes, "Hey was that that guy that-"
"Yes," I interrupted him before he could make fun of me, "I don't know what he was doing here, I'm just glad he's finally gone."
"He was here trying to get laid." Warren said.
And then I told him that after our initial encounter at the bar, I seriously doubted that he thought he was gonna get laid. But Warren just said, "Guys are dumb. He probably still hopes he's gonna get laid." And I was just like, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me, I mean, no way!"
Well very shortly after that, Brazil texted me.
"Hey, sorry if it was akward (yes, he spelled it wrong) of me showing up out of nowhere today. Anyways, it was good to see you"
So I show Warren the text and he's like "I told you!" and then I was like, "Well what should I say??"
Well Warren had this awesome idea, which I am proud to say I used. Lol. Here is what I responded with:
Me: It was just really busy. So are you busy later?
Brazil: Im just at home now, surfing the web n stuff.. I guess that means .. Not busy?
Me: Wanna hang out when I get off work?
Brazil: For sure, if by any chance I don't respond is probably cause im passed out sleeping.
Brazil: But anyways, u have idea whne u will be done? Dont mean to bother, i know ur really busy
Me: Oh wait, hang on...I just remembered you're THE DOUCHEST BAG. But you're welcome at [our bar] anytime. Sweet dreams.
Brazil: That was unecessary, and you know it's not true.. Not cool peyton. You have no reason to say that to me, even if you think you do. Anyway, i hope ur doing fine, I'll disregard the insults.
A couple minutes go by...
Brazil: Douchest bag ever? WTF?
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!!!!!
I'm sorry, I know it was terrible, and immature, yada yada, but it just felt soooo good!! And me and Warren seriously laughed about it for at least 20 minutes. It definitely made my night. ((Sigh))
I didn't respond to him any more after that. It was just great. I just can't believe he was dumb enough to think that after I deleted him from my friends TWICE, and then completely ignored him at the bar, he thought I would wanna go over to his place?? In the words of Ron Weasley, "How thick can you get?"
LOL.
Also on a side note, it's really hard for me to type all his misspellings. Lol. Idiot.
Anyway, this is has been one interesting weekend. On another unrelated note, I gave my number to a hot guy on Friday night. Perhaps I'll hear from him, perhaps I won't? Meh...
Anyway, I really could use some advice on the BJ situation? I mean I'm gonna see him in about a month, but I don't wanna like...invest too much into that right now because it just seems kind of silly. I dunno... Let me know what you all think.
Now let's take an even longer trip down memory lane, shall we? Remember my old boyfriend BJ? (<-- Visit this link to catch up) Well Friday morning, I had a dream about him, sorta. In the dream he had this really beautiful horse, and I wanted to show a picture of the horse to my girlfriend (can't remember who). So I had BJ's phone, and I was scrolling through his pics looking for the pic of his horse. And I came across this picture of a bunch of us at the beach, and I was in the background of this picture, adjusting my swimsuit top, and my boob was totally showing. So I was like, "OMG you have to delete this!" And he was like, "Oh well I have copies" and for some reason, in the dream, I was just like, "haha, oh well!" It was like we were together in the dream or something. I dunno, but I woke up with this...renewed interest (?) in him. And of course I had to text him about the dream immediately. And I said, "So....do you have any naked pictures of me?"
And he didn't respond for quite a long time, so I started to think maybe he was weirded out or something by my text. And then I was like, "Oh shit, maybe he thinks I want to send him some naked pics?" Lol. So I texted him again to clarify, "Fyi I wasn't offering to send you a naked pic. Lol. I just had a dream last night that you had a picture of me, in which I had a wardrobe malfunction. Lol."
And again, he didn't respond! And it's just very unlike him to ignore a text like that, especially since we recently had a brief conversation. So I sent him a facebook message, asking if he changed his number. He responded immediately with the new number. LOL.
Here's our conversation....
Me: Dude, did you change your #??
BJ: Lol yes (phone number)
Me: Omg...good to know. I texted someone something weird this morning. Hhaha!
BJ: Lol please tell me they texted you back.
Me: Haha no, that's why I messaged you! But I said, "So...do you have any naked pictures of me?" And then there was no reply so I thought maybe I freaked you out or something and I felt the need to clarify so then I wrote:
Fyi I wasn't offering to send you a naked pic. Lol. I just had a dream last night that you had a picture of me, in which I had a wardrobe malfunction. Lol.
BJ: Lol if someone would've gotten that it seriously would've made my year.
Me: I really hope so .
Anyway, it was a funny dream.
BJ: Sounds like it, I'll be there next month, pencil me in
Me: When?
BJ: Oct 26
Me: How long are you staying here? And where are you staying? Lol sorry for the 20 questions
BJ: Just for the weekend
Me: Well where are you staying?
BJ: I may get a hotel I may stay at my buddies house haven't decided
Me: Stay with MEEEE!! Lol. Who do you know that lives here?
BJ: One of my best friends from the military
Me: Oh I see. Well you're welcome to crash with me if you want. I live near wrigley field.
BJ: Uh that sounds like greatness
So that was just our facebook conversation, which we were having while I was working, so it got busy and I wasn't able to respond t.o him for a while. But later, just before I left work, I texted him, and we small talked for a while, I'll spare you the boring stuff. Eventually he brought up the dream again.
BJ: So about those naked pictures of you, should I delete them....or.....
Me: Lol. In the ream it wasn't really a naked picture. [I explain the dream]
BJ: Lol I have mixed feelings about this story. Humor, obviously, envy of Dream Me, and jealousy because this wasn't real.
Me: BAHAHAHAHA!! I have mixed feelings about it as well, bc clearly, Dream Me didn't mind that you had this pic of me, and when I woke up I had this unexplainable urge to make out with you. Haha.
BJ: Dream You needs to do all of your thinking
Me: Hahaha. Is that so??
BJ: Uh yea, I miss your face, and have for a long time.
Me: You do??? Well that honestly surprises me since we hardly saw each other when I was living in Houston.
BJ: Lol well we chose different paths, I'm not cool, trendy, or hip so I didn't know what to do when you broke up with me. I was angry and confused, but that doesn't mean my feelings ever changed.
Me: What do you mean your feelings never changed?? I broke up with you mainly bc I felt like you were in a different place in your life than I was.* You were big into the frat/college scene and I wasn't really. I mean it was fun for a while, but I was kinda trying to figure my own life/shit out at the time. Plus, you lived an hour away! And I just wasn't ready for anything serious at the time.
*Side note: Also there was also Daniel...which obviously, I didn't include in my explanation, but I was young. It was what it was.
BJ: And you weren't wrong, but that's still not what I wanted.
Me: What's not what you wanted?
BJ: Breaking up
Me: Well don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you've never been exactly forthcoming with your feelings. And you were so hostile to me afterwards that I just assumed you didn't want anything to do with me. Also, I feel the need to ask, are you drunk right now?? [It was like 3am]
BJ: No, if I get a DUI, I get fired and fuck that shit! My job is too good to lose.
Me: Lol ok just wondering.... Well I'm sorry for all that. A lot has changed since then. I am much more...I dunno what work to use, experienced/pragmatic/realistic/grown up now. I have always considered you at least a friend, if not a good friend. But I guess I've never really known your feelings/opinions.
BJ: I know what you mean, I think the same is true for both of us, and I'm very aware that I'm not forthcoming with feelings, lol. To be honest, whether you realize it or not, you know more about me than probably anybody on the planet.
Me: What??? I find that very hard to believe...
BJ: It's very true, but I'm not going to explain why or how. I think I've maxed myself out on feelings sharing.
Me: Nooooo! Lol.
BJ: Lol what you don't realize is you've always had me.
BJ: I know that's probably not what a woman wants to hear because it's not challenging but it is what it is.
Me: You might be the most self-contradicting, confusing person I've ever met. I mean...it's just hard for me to accept that as truth after you pretty much dated all my friends! And I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it bc I had a huge thing for you in hs and you went after first Rikki, then Emma. And I won't even bring up the Cecilia thing, lol, but it just...doesn't make sense to me! I just...always thought you weren't that into me. Anyway, what does "challenging" have to do with anything?? I'm not 22 anymore.
BJ: Rikki was before I knew you liked me and Emma and I were always just friends. And Cecilia happened after I flew home for your birthday and found out you were making out with some other guy outside.
Me: I wasn't trying to put you on the defensive. you don't have to explain anything. That is all long in the past. I was just trying to explain why this is confusing for me. Not to mention the part where you never even hinted at any of this. You realize we fight like cats and dogs, right?? You act all macho in front of your friends, and I know it's just an act and it drives me crazy cuz I can't figure out why you act that way. And I'm confrontational and stubborn and weird and flighty and probably selfish and frustrating. This isn't exactly a 2+2=4 kind of equation. Anyway, I'm sorry for whatever pain and suffering I'm sure I caused you in the past. I hope that at least we can put all that behind us. [finally!]
BJ: But that's not even the point. Those aren't the girls who I've fought with, worked things out with and came back to for the last 12 years.
Me: You've worked things out with me bc I MADE you! I'm not the type to let go of friends easily. And I know the things we argue about are usually dumb. Definitely not worth losing a friendship over.
BJ: Everything you just say about us is 100% true, but I don't know, I really liked all of that, and I'm much less of a macho d-bag these days.
Me: Hahahaha well it's nice to know you're aware of your old habits... As for the rest, I agree, it kept things interesting. And it means a lot what you said, but I'm not sure that your feelings are really for ME, as I am now, and not just the idea of me, or the way you remember me. You have dated a lot of crazy broads, maybe I'm just the most agreeable out of all them. Lol. But really, it's been a long time since we've hung out and I'm not the same person anymore. I mean I am, but I'm not. You know?
BJ: Lol first you are not the most agreeable woman I've ever dated by a long shot, and I can imagine that you've grown and changed, that happens as we go through life, and in all reality you may such, I'm pretty sure I'm kind of lame these days, but I'm happy so screw it. And I'm visiting in a month so that'll be a chance to find out.
Me: True...but I don't want it to feel like we're putting a lot of pressure on one wkend. I am gonna have to work, ya know, it's Halloween. But we should try and catch up before then. So it's not like I'm talking to you for the first time in a million yrs.
BJ: Also, I wasn't trying to spring this on you, nor do I expect anything. These were just things I should've said a long time ago. Lol but I have a lot of plans that weekend, I was just saying we could get a meal together. No pressure at all.
Me: Well my offer still stands if you wanna stay with me. When are you flying back?
BJ: I still have to book my return ticket for Sunday.
Me: Well you should make it late. Lol. Cuz Sunday is the only day I won't have to work.
BJ: I can do that. Ok gorgeous I have to go to sleep. Sweet dreams.
BJ: Dream about sending me naked pictures, or just do. Lol.
Me: (: Night
So that was that conversation.
MIND IS BLOWN.
Right?? I mean I'm still trying to sort through all this. Mostly I can't figure out how I really feel about it, about him, because on the one hand, there's excitement you know, and it feels good to hear things like that from someone. But I don't know if I actually want to pursue this or not. And if he really feels that way about me, I don't want to lead him on either. Because I do really care about him as a friend, regardless of our romantic status. ((Sigh)) So confusing. We texted a bit today as well. So I know he wasn't just drunk word-vomiting Friday night.
Despite the quagmire that is my feelings, I'm not gonna lie, I feel...happy about it. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice?? Anyone???
Ok, now for tonight, Saturday night. Went to work, and it was me, Abbie and Warren as usual. Well around 11ish, Warren disappeared into the office to do some server closeouts and it's just me and Abbie behind the bar. And it's just starting to really get busy when GUESS WHO WALKS UP TO THE BAR??
If you guessed Brazil, you would be correct.
I just looked up and there he was, right in front of me, and I said, "What the fuck!" because I was surprised. And he was like ,"What, am I not allowed to be here?" And I said, "What? I didn't say that..."
And then he said, "You pretty much said that."
And I said, "No, I just said 'What the fuck' because you surprised me."
Then he asked how I was doing (great!) and how is Jasper and where am I living. And I was trying to be...unaffected and as nice as possible. But it was just so awkward! Finally he took his 2 beers and left, and we were busy so I had enough to be getting on with. He and his friend lurked in front of the bar until some people got up and then they sat down and stayed for at least an hour. I completely ignored him. I served drinks to people on either sides of him without even making eye contact with him. I just pretended he wasn't there pretty much. He made another attempt to talk to me once when I walked by. He asked how I was doing, and I just said, "Fine, just busy working" and walked away.
Then finally, Warren comes back from the office just as Brazil is about to leave. And he's standing at the end of the bar, obviously waiting to say goodbye to me, but I just kept ignoring him, and eventually he left. And Warren goes, "Hey was that that guy that-"
"Yes," I interrupted him before he could make fun of me, "I don't know what he was doing here, I'm just glad he's finally gone."
"He was here trying to get laid." Warren said.
And then I told him that after our initial encounter at the bar, I seriously doubted that he thought he was gonna get laid. But Warren just said, "Guys are dumb. He probably still hopes he's gonna get laid." And I was just like, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me, I mean, no way!"
Well very shortly after that, Brazil texted me.
"Hey, sorry if it was akward (yes, he spelled it wrong) of me showing up out of nowhere today. Anyways, it was good to see you"
So I show Warren the text and he's like "I told you!" and then I was like, "Well what should I say??"
Well Warren had this awesome idea, which I am proud to say I used. Lol. Here is what I responded with:
Me: It was just really busy. So are you busy later?
Brazil: Im just at home now, surfing the web n stuff.. I guess that means .. Not busy?
Me: Wanna hang out when I get off work?
Brazil: For sure, if by any chance I don't respond is probably cause im passed out sleeping.
Brazil: But anyways, u have idea whne u will be done? Dont mean to bother, i know ur really busy
Me: Oh wait, hang on...I just remembered you're THE DOUCHEST BAG. But you're welcome at [our bar] anytime. Sweet dreams.
Brazil: That was unecessary, and you know it's not true.. Not cool peyton. You have no reason to say that to me, even if you think you do. Anyway, i hope ur doing fine, I'll disregard the insults.
A couple minutes go by...
Brazil: Douchest bag ever? WTF?
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!!!!!
I'm sorry, I know it was terrible, and immature, yada yada, but it just felt soooo good!! And me and Warren seriously laughed about it for at least 20 minutes. It definitely made my night. ((Sigh))
I didn't respond to him any more after that. It was just great. I just can't believe he was dumb enough to think that after I deleted him from my friends TWICE, and then completely ignored him at the bar, he thought I would wanna go over to his place?? In the words of Ron Weasley, "How thick can you get?"
LOL.
Also on a side note, it's really hard for me to type all his misspellings. Lol. Idiot.
Anyway, this is has been one interesting weekend. On another unrelated note, I gave my number to a hot guy on Friday night. Perhaps I'll hear from him, perhaps I won't? Meh...
Anyway, I really could use some advice on the BJ situation? I mean I'm gonna see him in about a month, but I don't wanna like...invest too much into that right now because it just seems kind of silly. I dunno... Let me know what you all think.
Flame on, muthafuckaz!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Growing Up
Well this weekend was a killer. My dad was here, so that meant working late every night and still getting up early every morning to go do stuff. It was fun though, and nice to see my dad. But now that he's gone, it's also kind of a relief that I don't have to do anything tomorrow or the next day. Lol.
Tonight I was sitting on my couch, watching TV, and eating leftovers and thinking to myself how much I love my apartment. It might be small, and it might not have central air, but it's mine. All mine. My stuff, my space, my decor...it's just great. And I couldn't be happier about it.
Tomorrow, Warren's band is playing at a small venue downtown, and me, Abbie and another girl from work, Kylie, are all going. Speaking of Abbie, I've been feeling a little...tired of her lately. Well, that's kind of harsh for me to say, actually. Tired of her isn't the right way to put it. I've just been feeling a little too old for her lately. I mean since when did I become always the grown up?? It's so weird. But it's like...her friends all suck. Most of them do coke, and are super immature drama queens, and then it's like she hooks up with a different guy almost every weekend, and half the time she doesn't even use protection! I already had to go get Plan B for her once, and I feel like I have mother-daughter conversations with her on a weekly basis:
"Abbie. You can't just have unprotected sex with complete strangers. You could literally get an STD, or get pregnant, or worse!"
"Abbie. Why the hell are you friends with that girl?? She was coked up the whole day and trying to pick fights with everyone."
"Abbie. Your friend just puked on her shoes."
"Abbie. It's 9am and you're still drunk from the night before."
And she always just has some excuse, usually, "I know, it was stupid, I was just really wasted."
WTF!? I've had plenty of drunk, stupid sex in my time, but I don't remember ever being that irresponsible. And it's taxing, to be honest! To be constantly listening to her tell me about all the stupid-ass situations she gets herself into with guys, and her friends who are all alcoholics and a horrible influence. Ugh... I can't wait till her twin sister, Reagan, moves back from Germany next month. She's great - married to a guy in the military (he's been stationed in Germany but is about to be deployed), she's mature, and still fun, and definitely the kind of stability I think Abbie needs in her life right now. Because I don't think I can handle any more train wreck friends. Is it selfish of me to be thinking this way?? I mean, I love Abbie, and she's probably the best friend I've made here in Chicago so far, but to me these are red flags. Right?? But I mean, she's only 2 years younger than me! I don't remember being that...crazy at 26. Was I?? Maybe I should go back and read some old posts. But it is weird reflecting on my own maturity. I may not be the best when it comes to managing my money, but when it comes to my lifestyle, my friends, school, and my health, I'm pretty damn responsible. And that's definitely more than I can say for the person I was 3 years ago.
So maybe I just need some more grown up friends. Or maybe I'm just ready to move on from...wherever it is I'm stuck right now. ((Sigh)) Baby steps.
Tonight I was sitting on my couch, watching TV, and eating leftovers and thinking to myself how much I love my apartment. It might be small, and it might not have central air, but it's mine. All mine. My stuff, my space, my decor...it's just great. And I couldn't be happier about it.
Tomorrow, Warren's band is playing at a small venue downtown, and me, Abbie and another girl from work, Kylie, are all going. Speaking of Abbie, I've been feeling a little...tired of her lately. Well, that's kind of harsh for me to say, actually. Tired of her isn't the right way to put it. I've just been feeling a little too old for her lately. I mean since when did I become always the grown up?? It's so weird. But it's like...her friends all suck. Most of them do coke, and are super immature drama queens, and then it's like she hooks up with a different guy almost every weekend, and half the time she doesn't even use protection! I already had to go get Plan B for her once, and I feel like I have mother-daughter conversations with her on a weekly basis:
"Abbie. You can't just have unprotected sex with complete strangers. You could literally get an STD, or get pregnant, or worse!"
"Abbie. Why the hell are you friends with that girl?? She was coked up the whole day and trying to pick fights with everyone."
"Abbie. Your friend just puked on her shoes."
"Abbie. It's 9am and you're still drunk from the night before."
And she always just has some excuse, usually, "I know, it was stupid, I was just really wasted."
WTF!? I've had plenty of drunk, stupid sex in my time, but I don't remember ever being that irresponsible. And it's taxing, to be honest! To be constantly listening to her tell me about all the stupid-ass situations she gets herself into with guys, and her friends who are all alcoholics and a horrible influence. Ugh... I can't wait till her twin sister, Reagan, moves back from Germany next month. She's great - married to a guy in the military (he's been stationed in Germany but is about to be deployed), she's mature, and still fun, and definitely the kind of stability I think Abbie needs in her life right now. Because I don't think I can handle any more train wreck friends. Is it selfish of me to be thinking this way?? I mean, I love Abbie, and she's probably the best friend I've made here in Chicago so far, but to me these are red flags. Right?? But I mean, she's only 2 years younger than me! I don't remember being that...crazy at 26. Was I?? Maybe I should go back and read some old posts. But it is weird reflecting on my own maturity. I may not be the best when it comes to managing my money, but when it comes to my lifestyle, my friends, school, and my health, I'm pretty damn responsible. And that's definitely more than I can say for the person I was 3 years ago.
So maybe I just need some more grown up friends. Or maybe I'm just ready to move on from...wherever it is I'm stuck right now. ((Sigh)) Baby steps.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
It Could Be Worse
Well I think I'm over the crying part, but I'm still listening to Taylor Swift and Jeff Buckley and thinking about Brazil constantly. ((Sigh))
I just miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss looking forward to seeing him on the weekends, and of course I miss the sex, but that's not what's killing me. It's that we got along so well, we had a lot of fun together, and things were just...easy. It wasn't like we had to try hard, ya know? But now he's just gone. Absent. This missing piece of the puzzle. Apparently it's a piece that's always been missing, I just didn't realize it till recently... :/
In my sudden craving for a rebound guy, I texted Bill the other night. Remember Bill? The tall guy from my improv class, we went out on like 1 real date, but then I strangely never heard from him again? Well...we've been texting pretty much ever since. He even said we should hang out. But I'm not trying to rush into everything. I'd forgotten how funny he is though! Brazil wasn't funny, and neither are most of my ex-boyfriends now that I think about it.... I like having someone to laugh with. Someone really actually funny. Bill is really actually funny. Lol.
Anyway... I've been spending a lot of time lately with Katie and Abbie. Not at the same time, but you know they're like my 2 best girlfriends here at the moment, and that's definitely what I need. Abbie couldn't believe the shit that went down with Brazil. She actually met him, unlike any of my other friends. But that's only because he would come into the bar when we were both working. But I've been having fun just doing girl things. Mostly shopping... I'm realizing I have a stress-induced shopping habit. But oh well, at least I don't smoke cigarettes or eat in my sleep. It could be worse? I got some really great steals on some outfits for spring too, so I don't have any complaints.
I came across this song the other day, and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. One, because it's Foo Fighters and they're one of my top 3 favorite bands of all time, and two, because it's like it's literally about me. It's weird because I've listened to the song many times before, I just never really listened to it, before now...
I just miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss looking forward to seeing him on the weekends, and of course I miss the sex, but that's not what's killing me. It's that we got along so well, we had a lot of fun together, and things were just...easy. It wasn't like we had to try hard, ya know? But now he's just gone. Absent. This missing piece of the puzzle. Apparently it's a piece that's always been missing, I just didn't realize it till recently... :/
In my sudden craving for a rebound guy, I texted Bill the other night. Remember Bill? The tall guy from my improv class, we went out on like 1 real date, but then I strangely never heard from him again? Well...we've been texting pretty much ever since. He even said we should hang out. But I'm not trying to rush into everything. I'd forgotten how funny he is though! Brazil wasn't funny, and neither are most of my ex-boyfriends now that I think about it.... I like having someone to laugh with. Someone really actually funny. Bill is really actually funny. Lol.
Anyway... I've been spending a lot of time lately with Katie and Abbie. Not at the same time, but you know they're like my 2 best girlfriends here at the moment, and that's definitely what I need. Abbie couldn't believe the shit that went down with Brazil. She actually met him, unlike any of my other friends. But that's only because he would come into the bar when we were both working. But I've been having fun just doing girl things. Mostly shopping... I'm realizing I have a stress-induced shopping habit. But oh well, at least I don't smoke cigarettes or eat in my sleep. It could be worse? I got some really great steals on some outfits for spring too, so I don't have any complaints.
I came across this song the other day, and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. One, because it's Foo Fighters and they're one of my top 3 favorite bands of all time, and two, because it's like it's literally about me. It's weird because I've listened to the song many times before, I just never really listened to it, before now...
I should have known that it would end this way
I should have known there was no other way
Didn't hear your warning
Damn my heart gone deaf
I should have known
Look at the shape you're in
I should have known
But I dove right in
One thing is for certain
As I'm standing here
I should have known
Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
I should have known
I was inside of you
I should have known
There was that side of you
Came without a warning
Caught me unaware
I should have known
I've been here before
I should have known
Don't want it anymore
One thing is for certain
I'm still standing here
I should have known
Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
I should have known
Maybe you was right
Didn't want a fight
I should have known
Couldn't read the signs
Couldn't see the lie
I should have known
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
To leave us all in debt
I should have known.
I should have known there was no other way
Didn't hear your warning
Damn my heart gone deaf
I should have known
Look at the shape you're in
I should have known
But I dove right in
One thing is for certain
As I'm standing here
I should have known
Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
I should have known
I was inside of you
I should have known
There was that side of you
Came without a warning
Caught me unaware
I should have known
I've been here before
I should have known
Don't want it anymore
One thing is for certain
I'm still standing here
I should have known
Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
I should have known
Maybe you was right
Didn't want a fight
I should have known
Couldn't read the signs
Couldn't see the lie
I should have known
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
To leave us all in debt
I should have known.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Hottie #1 and Hottie #2
OH.MYGOD.
Just earlier today I was telling one of the new waitresses at my bar how I'm beginning to feel like Chicago might be a wasteland as far as guys are concerned.
And then I met not one, but two hot guys in one night!!
The first hottie was sitting with about 5 other dudes at one of my tables. They were all friends with one of the doorguys. He wasn't super tall, but he was still taller than me, dark brown hair, and dimples. Really nice, and cute. And at the end of the night, they wanted to play credit card roulette. For those of you who aren't familiar with this game, everyone at the table puts their credit card in a hat, and then someone, usually the waiter or bartender, blindly draws credit cards out of the hat until there's only one left. Whichever card is the last one in the hat, that person has to pay for the whole bill. So I was drawing out the cards, and the cute guy ended up being the one who had to pay. I felt so bad! Lol. So when I closed him out, I wrote him a little note that said,
And I also bought him a shot. I figured what the hell, I mean it's been FOREVER since I've been with any guy, what have I got to lose!?
[Quick side note! DID NOT hook up with Gavin when I was at home. OVER IT. But that's another story...]
So anyway, after they all left, I went over to the doorguy who was friends with all of them to get the deets. And he told me that Hottie #1 lives in D.C.!!! ((Sigh)) Disappointing, but oh well.
So the second hot guy came along about an hour and a half later. I had just walked over to the waitress well for a breather, and he was there in the corner with 3 friends, all guys. I didn't really pay him much attention, because I usually ignore anyone standing close to the waitress well, in order to discourage them from invading my space. It SUCKS when people crowd the waitress well and it makes it practically impossible for me to do my job. So I get a little territorial. But anyway, he turns to me and says, "Can you tell me if you guys have any triple hops brewed beer?"
And my initial thought was that he was looking for a real hoppy beer, like an IPA or something, so I started listing off our PAs and such.
Then he laughed and went on to explain that he was joking, and that Miller Lite is actually advertised as being triple hops brewed. So that just kind of opened up a conversation window, and he continued to talk to me and I continued to stand there and be entertained. I also began to notice how incredibly good looking he was.
I would say he looks like a cross between this guy:
and this guy:
SUPER HOT RIGHT?!?
But that immediately put me on my guard, because generally a guy that good looking who just strikes up a conversation with random girl is only out to get laid. And of course guys like that know they're good looking, and they know they're charming, and they know they've got it in the bag. So I was a little wary...
But he was completely ignoring all his friends to talk to me! And then when his friends went to leave, he hesitated like he wasn't sure if he should go with them, or stay. And he stayed! BY HIMSELF just to hang out with me!
After a while though, he said he had to leave to go meet up with his friends, and he said, "Tell ya what. I'm gonna ask you for your number."
And I gave it to him. :) Didn't even have to offer.
So he left, and Abbie and I gossiped about how hot he is, till I realized he left his scarf behind!
So I pulled out my phone to text him, and saw that I already had a message from him that said, "I'm coming back, I left my scarf!"
Warren said it was cuz he wanted an excuse to come back and talk to me some more. Which is exactly what he did. He stayed and we talked till close. Finally I told him I needed to start doing some work. Lol. So he told me to call him if I wanted to go out afterwards. I don't normally go out after work cuz I'm just tired and sick of being around drunk people, but I debated...
Warren and Abbie told me I should definitely "go get laid" since it has now been over a year, yes a YEAR, since I've had sex. Ugh... And I did consider it but...I just didn't wanna throw away the possibility that maybe, just maybe me and this guy really actually did hit it off. Maybe it wasn't him just trying to get laid...
As I was pondering all these things, I got a text from Hottie #1! I was so shocked, definitely not expecting to hear from him. He said he was only in town for the weekend, but he wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow (NYE) which of course, I told him I'm working. Then he asked what I was doing before or after work, because he had no plans before, and he was heading to some after party later. But by this time, I was already losing interest in Hottie #1, due to the attentions of Hottie #2. Lol. So I texted Hottie #2 and asked him if he was out. He said yes, and we decided to meet at this really shitty bar down the street since a couple of my coworkers were going there. I texted Hottie #1 that I had no idea what my before and after work plans were, but that I'm off Sunday if he was still going to be in town.
I headed out to meet Hottie #2 and then all thoughts of Hottie #1 escaped me. When I saw him at the bar, he was just as hot as I remembered. He smiles a lot too, and you don't really realize how much guys don't smile until you meet a guy that smiles a lot. It's a total turn on.
So he bought me a drink, and we sat down at a table and talked, for about 30 minutes, until the bouncers started walking around kicking everyone out.
Then we wondered outside, still deep in conversation, and ended up getting in a cab.
"Wait, where are we going?" I asked as I closed my door.
He gives the cab driver his address. I almost protested, but then I thought, What the hell? I'm on my period and haven't shaved my legs so I'm definitely not going to have sex with him. Lol. So since I knew I was safe, we headed back to his place. He has a rather large apartment in a decent part of down with hardwood floors. Very creeky hardwood floors. Lol. It's an old building I guess. Him and his roommate had just finished painting the hallway and living room and everything was covered in dropcloths, so we headed in the direction of the kitchen...and his bedroom. And we were talking about who knows what, some nonsense, and then he said, "Ok I'm going to kiss you." And he did.
:)
Then he kept telling me how attracted to me he is, which always makes me feel...uncomfortable. I'm just not good at taking compliments on my looks. I mean it's not like I can really take credit for it, and I don't like to appear vain, so I just never know what to say! So I said, "Thanks, I guess." and he laughed and kept kissing me.
The first thing I noticed about his place is that he has 3 guitars. And he plays VERY well. I made him get one out and play me something. HOTT.
Second thing I noticed is he's a total nerd. He likes math, and the more comfortable he got around me, the dorkier her got! Lol.
Eventually we ended up in his room. So I said, "Look, I cannot stay here tonight."
"I know, I know, I just wanna make out with you." he said. Then his roommate went into the kitchen so he shut off his light cuz for some reason, he didn't want his roommate to know he was awake. And then of course we ended up in his bed. But I did not sleep with him!! Lol. We made out, and he did get my shirt off, but that's it. And he just kept complimenting me! Lol. And we talked a lot, about, oh I dunno, random things. He did try to get me to stay. He said that as much as he wanted to, he knew we weren't going to have sex, but that he's a good cuddler. Lol. But I couldn't stay anyway cuz of Jasper! I would never just leave him like that.
And then he kept saying, "Just 10 more minutes!" But finally I had to put my foot down. It was 5am by the time I left. He walked me all the way to the train.
"So...am I gonna hear from you again? I mean it's ok if you say no, I just...would rather know is all. I don't like to play games."
"Yes you're gonna hear from me again, are you kidding me?!" He said, "And I don't play games either."
"ALL guys play games." I said.
"Well so do girls." He said.
"Well I don't. I'd rather just be honest."
So I'm really hoping that he was being honest, and that I will hear from him again, because I think I really like him....so far anyway.
He doesn't have ANY plans for NYE either! Who just doesn't make NYE plans?! Lol. Maybe I'll invite him over after work tomorrow night...
Oh yea, his name is Matt.
Just earlier today I was telling one of the new waitresses at my bar how I'm beginning to feel like Chicago might be a wasteland as far as guys are concerned.
And then I met not one, but two hot guys in one night!!
The first hottie was sitting with about 5 other dudes at one of my tables. They were all friends with one of the doorguys. He wasn't super tall, but he was still taller than me, dark brown hair, and dimples. Really nice, and cute. And at the end of the night, they wanted to play credit card roulette. For those of you who aren't familiar with this game, everyone at the table puts their credit card in a hat, and then someone, usually the waiter or bartender, blindly draws credit cards out of the hat until there's only one left. Whichever card is the last one in the hat, that person has to pay for the whole bill. So I was drawing out the cards, and the cute guy ended up being the one who had to pay. I felt so bad! Lol. So when I closed him out, I wrote him a little note that said,
"Sorry for picking your card!
I owe you one.
[insert my phone number here]
-Peyton."
[insert my phone number here]
-Peyton."
And I also bought him a shot. I figured what the hell, I mean it's been FOREVER since I've been with any guy, what have I got to lose!?
[Quick side note! DID NOT hook up with Gavin when I was at home. OVER IT. But that's another story...]
So anyway, after they all left, I went over to the doorguy who was friends with all of them to get the deets. And he told me that Hottie #1 lives in D.C.!!! ((Sigh)) Disappointing, but oh well.
So the second hot guy came along about an hour and a half later. I had just walked over to the waitress well for a breather, and he was there in the corner with 3 friends, all guys. I didn't really pay him much attention, because I usually ignore anyone standing close to the waitress well, in order to discourage them from invading my space. It SUCKS when people crowd the waitress well and it makes it practically impossible for me to do my job. So I get a little territorial. But anyway, he turns to me and says, "Can you tell me if you guys have any triple hops brewed beer?"
And my initial thought was that he was looking for a real hoppy beer, like an IPA or something, so I started listing off our PAs and such.
Then he laughed and went on to explain that he was joking, and that Miller Lite is actually advertised as being triple hops brewed. So that just kind of opened up a conversation window, and he continued to talk to me and I continued to stand there and be entertained. I also began to notice how incredibly good looking he was.
I would say he looks like a cross between this guy:
and this guy:
SUPER HOT RIGHT?!?
But that immediately put me on my guard, because generally a guy that good looking who just strikes up a conversation with random girl is only out to get laid. And of course guys like that know they're good looking, and they know they're charming, and they know they've got it in the bag. So I was a little wary...
But he was completely ignoring all his friends to talk to me! And then when his friends went to leave, he hesitated like he wasn't sure if he should go with them, or stay. And he stayed! BY HIMSELF just to hang out with me!
After a while though, he said he had to leave to go meet up with his friends, and he said, "Tell ya what. I'm gonna ask you for your number."
And I gave it to him. :) Didn't even have to offer.
So he left, and Abbie and I gossiped about how hot he is, till I realized he left his scarf behind!
So I pulled out my phone to text him, and saw that I already had a message from him that said, "I'm coming back, I left my scarf!"
Warren said it was cuz he wanted an excuse to come back and talk to me some more. Which is exactly what he did. He stayed and we talked till close. Finally I told him I needed to start doing some work. Lol. So he told me to call him if I wanted to go out afterwards. I don't normally go out after work cuz I'm just tired and sick of being around drunk people, but I debated...
Warren and Abbie told me I should definitely "go get laid" since it has now been over a year, yes a YEAR, since I've had sex. Ugh... And I did consider it but...I just didn't wanna throw away the possibility that maybe, just maybe me and this guy really actually did hit it off. Maybe it wasn't him just trying to get laid...
As I was pondering all these things, I got a text from Hottie #1! I was so shocked, definitely not expecting to hear from him. He said he was only in town for the weekend, but he wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow (NYE) which of course, I told him I'm working. Then he asked what I was doing before or after work, because he had no plans before, and he was heading to some after party later. But by this time, I was already losing interest in Hottie #1, due to the attentions of Hottie #2. Lol. So I texted Hottie #2 and asked him if he was out. He said yes, and we decided to meet at this really shitty bar down the street since a couple of my coworkers were going there. I texted Hottie #1 that I had no idea what my before and after work plans were, but that I'm off Sunday if he was still going to be in town.
I headed out to meet Hottie #2 and then all thoughts of Hottie #1 escaped me. When I saw him at the bar, he was just as hot as I remembered. He smiles a lot too, and you don't really realize how much guys don't smile until you meet a guy that smiles a lot. It's a total turn on.
So he bought me a drink, and we sat down at a table and talked, for about 30 minutes, until the bouncers started walking around kicking everyone out.
Then we wondered outside, still deep in conversation, and ended up getting in a cab.
"Wait, where are we going?" I asked as I closed my door.
He gives the cab driver his address. I almost protested, but then I thought, What the hell? I'm on my period and haven't shaved my legs so I'm definitely not going to have sex with him. Lol. So since I knew I was safe, we headed back to his place. He has a rather large apartment in a decent part of down with hardwood floors. Very creeky hardwood floors. Lol. It's an old building I guess. Him and his roommate had just finished painting the hallway and living room and everything was covered in dropcloths, so we headed in the direction of the kitchen...and his bedroom. And we were talking about who knows what, some nonsense, and then he said, "Ok I'm going to kiss you." And he did.
:)
Then he kept telling me how attracted to me he is, which always makes me feel...uncomfortable. I'm just not good at taking compliments on my looks. I mean it's not like I can really take credit for it, and I don't like to appear vain, so I just never know what to say! So I said, "Thanks, I guess." and he laughed and kept kissing me.
The first thing I noticed about his place is that he has 3 guitars. And he plays VERY well. I made him get one out and play me something. HOTT.
Second thing I noticed is he's a total nerd. He likes math, and the more comfortable he got around me, the dorkier her got! Lol.
Eventually we ended up in his room. So I said, "Look, I cannot stay here tonight."
"I know, I know, I just wanna make out with you." he said. Then his roommate went into the kitchen so he shut off his light cuz for some reason, he didn't want his roommate to know he was awake. And then of course we ended up in his bed. But I did not sleep with him!! Lol. We made out, and he did get my shirt off, but that's it. And he just kept complimenting me! Lol. And we talked a lot, about, oh I dunno, random things. He did try to get me to stay. He said that as much as he wanted to, he knew we weren't going to have sex, but that he's a good cuddler. Lol. But I couldn't stay anyway cuz of Jasper! I would never just leave him like that.
And then he kept saying, "Just 10 more minutes!" But finally I had to put my foot down. It was 5am by the time I left. He walked me all the way to the train.
"So...am I gonna hear from you again? I mean it's ok if you say no, I just...would rather know is all. I don't like to play games."
"Yes you're gonna hear from me again, are you kidding me?!" He said, "And I don't play games either."
"ALL guys play games." I said.
"Well so do girls." He said.
"Well I don't. I'd rather just be honest."
So I'm really hoping that he was being honest, and that I will hear from him again, because I think I really like him....so far anyway.
He doesn't have ANY plans for NYE either! Who just doesn't make NYE plans?! Lol. Maybe I'll invite him over after work tomorrow night...
Oh yea, his name is Matt.
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