Inside My Bubble

This morning I woke up to some suggestive texts from Jamie. We started chatting, nothing too hot and heavy or anything, just flirtatious. Something about him being a gentleman came up, and then out of nowhere, he drops this bomb on me...
(He's in grey, I'm in blue)

I haven't stopped agonizing about it ever since. For one, I didn't realize he wasn't dating before now. I mean why wasn't he?
Secondly, why did he tell me this, really? I mean...ok maybe he did just want to be transparent with me, which is nice, but I haven't felt the need to mention my hookups with Chris or Adam in the past because...I don't know, it just didn't seem necessary. And neither of them were guys I seriously dated.
So does he really like this girl and he's trying to give me a heads up that I should expect less from him in the future? Like, maybe he's not the casual dating type, and this is a big deal? Should I not expect him to visit in the new year?
Was he just trying to gauge my response to him telling me that? Or trying to find out if I was dating anyone?
It seems like if that was the case, he could have just asked.
Ugh, I just don't know. And I just keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up right back where I was almost a year ago with Lane. Alone, heartbroken, and feeling like I just wasted a lot of time investing in something completely pointless. And I wanted to talk to Jamie about it so badly, but... Then I kept thinking, Well what would this friend tell me to do? etc. and I realized that I don't really have any friends who can advise me in these kinds of situations! Sophie would probably tell me to talk to him, but she is HORRIBLE at dating, and lets dudes walk all over her. So I definitely can't trust her advice. Bethany would say I'm overreacting and to just let it ride and don't freak out on him because I always give guys too much information and that's why I scare them off. Taryn would say something sweet, in an attempt to be supportive, but she can't really relate, bc if it were HER in this situation instead of me, Jamie would have already bought his plane ticket to Nola and be looking for jobs here and planning to move next year. ((Sigh))
So I texted Izzie, because in general, she's the best at listening, and asking the right questions before giving advice. Only problem is, as she pointed out, she hasn't been on the dating scene in over ten years and it's like a completely different planet to her now. But she listened anyway, and she said I need to talk to him about ASAP, if only for the sake of scheduling purposes. Because if Jamie going out with this girl means he won't be going to Bethany's wedding with me, then I need to know that, at least. And I guess in an effort to spare my own possible heartbreak, it's better that I get ahead of the situation if he's got one foot out the door already.
Ugh, I really hate having to break down all this shit and act so pragmatically about everything. I wish I could just do what feels right, but nothing feels right anymore! I keep finding myself in these shitty long distance situations and it sucks! It always starts out fine, just as a distraction, or someone to talk to and connect with, but then it ends up growing into something more, without me even realizing it! And before I know it I need this person, and I think about them constantly throughout the day, even if it's subconscious. And then the thought of no longer having that relationship in my life jerks me back to reality. And when it's gone, there's this huge void. And I desperately try to fill it, usually with stupid shit that only gets me into more trouble...
I'm tearing up even as I type this because I'm remembering that feeling that seemed to pervade everything in those weeks after Langston left. It was like I'd been floating around in this nice little bubble, and then suddenly it popped and I was just hurtling through space, flailing desperately for a handhold.
I don't want to go back there. It terrifies me.

7 Years

I can't stop thinking about Lane lately. Or Chris. Or Adam. Or John. Or Brandon. Or even that guy from Austin I hooked up with and later found out he had a girlfriend. ((Sigh))
I have all this...sadness about them all. Like, what is Lane was my soulmate and I'll never find out because we never really got a chance to properly be together?? I was so happy during that brief time we spent together, and during the year or so we just spent talking on the phone and facetiming and texting. And we were friends before anything else. I felt truly comfortable in my own skin with him, and he was funny, and smart, and sweet, and...why couldn't it work...somehow??
And why did Chris ghost me? Cuz that's what he did. He literally ghosted me. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. At least not to a degree where I cared so much. And maybe Adam is gay, or maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't do it for him or something. I don't get it. He seemed all gung-ho about me at first and then.... I don't know!!
And the other guys I just...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I know it's pointless to agonize over these things because I will really never get a satisfactory answer. I just have to assume and guess and try not to think about it. My dad got engaged last weekend. Now both of my parents have successfully been divorced and secured new marriages in the time since I had my last relationship. What gives?! I kind of feel like I'm just going to have to start accepting the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life, and I'm trying to be ok with that, but I'm NOT.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be alone. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone forever. I want companionship. I want to be kissed and feel tingly all over. I want meaningful sex. I want to be in love! And I need people. I need someone to be there for me and care about me and value my thoughts and opinions, and want to be with me.
I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too picky. Or I'm too "intense". Or I'm too fat, too intimidating, too weird, too independent, too honest, or too needy. Because if I am those things, then THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM!! Why should I change that?? I don't want to become someone else, I'm ME. I've spent YEARS cultivating this person that I've become, and why the fuck should I change that for anybody??
Don't get me wrong. I'm very nurturing in a relationship. My love giving languages are gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And really, I don't think I ask for much. I know initially I may come off cold, or like I don't need anyone, but I do. I just don't understand why I can't have this. This one thing I've been wanting and searching for and waiting for, and it's been 7 years and I'm still single. No one has chosen me.

The Mutual Exclusivity of Friendships and Significant Others

I've been struggling, but somehow I'm keeping my head above water. Mostly I think because I've just been too busy to worry. I started a second job this week, to supplement my income, thank god, and I just sort of hit the ground running. But let me go ahead and fill you in the last couple weeks.
July 1 was Bethany and Tony's couples engagement shower thing. I really, really didn't wanna go. That was like the day after my last post, I was feeling really shitty, and just didn't think I could handle that. But since I'm a bridesmaid, it would have looked back if I didn't go, and Lauren basically forced my hand by saying she wouldn't make any excuses for me if Bethany asked why I wasn't there. we agreed to ride together, and I told her I probably wouldn't be very good company, but she said she didn't care as long as she didn't have to go by herself. Well it was an open bar, and I ended up just getting shitfaced on chardonnay and tequila shots. Who does that?! Lol. The night actually turned out ok though. I met a nice, attractive guy at the shower, and sort of...latched onto him. Not in a clingy way, I mean, he was interested! But Lauren ended up leaving early, and Vicky, one of the other bridesmaids, convinced me to stay and said she'd give me a ride home, because everyone was going out afterwards. Well I rode to the bar with the guy, Brian. I was already really drunk by this point. Everything at the bar is really fuzzy. Brian ended up driving me home. I don't know what happened to Vicky. He walked me to the door, and came inside and we kissed, and talked for a bit, but that's it. He's apparently very allergic to cats, so he basically left ASAP. Lol.
The next day I woke up super hungover and I was supposed to drive to Houston. But I literally couldn't move. Then my cousin Macie called, because she was in town for the weekend with her boyfriend. She's a sophomore at Louisiana Tech. I asked her if they could drive me to my car, and she said ok. So they both came over, and we sorta just goofed around for a while. I still couldn't muster the energy to really get up and get going. Then Macie convinced me to come to lunch with them and Grandma. I figured, free lunch, why not? But seriously, by the time I got my car, packed up and was ready to go to Houston, it was like 7pm. And the drive sucked, but at least there wasn't any traffic. Surprising since it was Saturday before Independence Day. The reason for my trip to Houston is because my Aunt Raquel (Jenna and Amy's mom) finally passed away after 3 years in hospice with early onset dementia. She'd been in really bad shape, so it came as a surprise to no one, but because Jenna is one of my best friends, of course I wanted to be there for her.
It was around midnight when I got in, and I was completely exhausted after the night before, and just the week I had. I had to drive to Baton Rouge early in the morning 3 days in a row for training for the new job, and just hadn't gotten much sleep. But my dad made me get up to go to church with him the next morning. He said all my old friends were in town and they'd be there! But literally no one was. In fact, there were less people there than a normal Sunday. But whatever. Afterwards, we went to my Aunt Jeanie's for food and swimming with the family. The family that I've been basically estranged from. ((Sigh)) I didn't put up a fuss about it though because my dad's sister just died, and I knew Jenna would be there. It was actually ok. I had fun, other than my douche cousin Paul telling me I must have a small brain because I said horoscopes are horseshit. ((eye roll)) He is such a prick. Anyway, I basically went home and slept after that, still not having caught up on sleep.
The 4th was spent with Taryn and her boyfriend. Even though her bf was there, it was some much needed bestie time and we had a blast. We got day drunk, went swimming, went out for drinks, and then ended up at someone's high rise apt to watch the fireworks. Once we were there, inside said apt, someone mentions to me that Brandon lives there. Brandon, as in my ex. The last actual boyfriend I had. I honestly wish no one even told me because after that I could not stop obsessing over him, and how much I hate his current gf (which is true, she's a total twat), and how he took me for granted when we were together and broke up with me bc he said he thought I was going nowhere in life... Ugh. I rarely get embarrassed, but drunk me was literally spouting this shit to anyone who would listen. Luckily, he wasn't there.  He was in Europe with the twat gf for a wedding. Ugh. But I'm sure someone will tell him I was there, in his house, and how I couldn't stop talking about him. ((Sigh)) Whatever.
I drove back to NOLA the next day. Back to reality! Brian continued to text me, despite my drunk shenanigans at the wedding shower. Carrie texted to let me know she would be in Louisiana this weekend. Since she's moving to Baton Rouge with her boyfriend. Another one bites the dust... I can't remember if I mentioned that or not. I mean I'm glad she's moving closer to here, but I doubt that will change much, honestly. So I worked all week, and everything kinda just flew out of my head about the weekend. Friday night I texted Lauren, asking what she was up to, no response. Then Sunday morning rolled around, and I got a group text from Carrie to Lauren and I. She said she and her bf, Jack, were gonna drive into the city that afternoon, and she wanted us to all go out to dinner so we could meet him. I said sure, sounds great, and then she asked me if they could stay at my place, because she had a job interview Monday on the north shore. I said ok, and began making a mental list of all the things I'd have to do to get my place ready for overnight guests. Then finally, Lauren chimes in with, "Would y'all want to just come to my house for dinner? [Dallas] is in town and we were just planning on making pizzas at the house and hanging at home. We have plenty of food and wine. :D"
I literally started crying. Maybe it was because it was early, and I was still in bed and really tired. Or maybe it's because I'd been really looking forward to some more much needed girl time and I just can't seem to get any without everyone's fucking boyfriends around! I don't really know why I started crying, it was just my reaction.
I said, "Ugggghhhh ok I'm out."
NOT IN THE MOOD TO "HANG AT HOME" WITH 2 COUPLES.
Carrie: Wtf Peyton
Me: Sooooo dont wanna be a 5th wheel right now.
Lauren: My sister is going to be there too.
Yea, cuz she fucking LIVES there. NOT the same.
I didn't respond.
Then Carrie called. I felt weird trying to explain to her that I'm trying really fucking hard to not get depressed, and hanging out with you guys and your boyfriends is not going to help. I can't remember exactly what I said, I just told her I didn't wanna hang out with couples, I couldn't deal with it right now. And she tried to convince me it wouldn't be like that, and she doesn't act coupley, and the guys would go off and talk and we could just hang out... But I still declined. I told her it wouldn't make a difference who the couples were, I just can't do it. And she said she understood. Then I suggested we meet up after and go for drinks, since she and Jack were gonna stay at my place anyway, and she agreed.
Since I had the day off from work, I spent it cleaning, doing laundry, and changing my bedding, since I was gonna let them have my bed, and just take the couch for the night. I cleaned the litter box, and the kitchen, and got rid of any clutter around the house. It took most of the day. Then Brian texted and asked what I was doing later. I forgot I'd told him I was off Sunday and that maybe we could hang. Of course, that was before I knew Carrie and Jack would be sleeping over. So I told him what was going on, and I said he could join all of us for drinks. He seemed a little uncomfortable with that though, and asked if we could just meet first, before I go out with Carrie and Jack. So I agreed.
I texted Carrie and said, "I'm gonna go on a sort of date. He knows I'm meeting up with you though, but I'll probably go to the other side of the river. So let's just keep in touch."
Carrie: I can just stay here if that's easier? But if you wanna ditch him let me know and I will come over. I don't want to interrupt.
Me: No! I don't wanna change our plans! I'm just meeting him for a couple drinks.
Carrie: I will be back next weekend too
Me: I have to work all wkend next week cuz I'm filling in for a girl who's gonna be out of town, but if you would rather stay with Lauren, that's fine
Carrie: No that's not it at all, just didn't want to interrupt your date. We are about to eat, what you thinkin? 8?
Me: Yea that's cool

So I go to meet Brian around 6:45. The date went well I guess, but it's definitely not gonna work out between us. Aside from the fact that he's terribly allergic to cats, he wants five fucking kids! FIVE! That is completely out of the question. We actually had an interesting debate about that.
You know what I really hate? People basically telling me that I should want children, because - insert one or more here:
A) It's expected of me, as a woman
B) It's just what married couples do
C) You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy
D) You can't be happy or fulfilled without children
E) I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't want them!

UUUGGGHHHHH.
PEOPLE! STOP TELLING WOMEN THEY NEED/WANT/SHOULD HAVE CHILDREN. I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.
I get this from men and women alike. Honestly, more from women. There are several reasons that I don't want kids, and I can think of a lot more cons than pros. Sure, people who have kids love them. But that doesn't mean they wouldn't have been just as happy if they never had any in the first place!
Anyway, that's a rant that deserves a post of it's own, so back to the story...

It's not gonna work between Brian and me, but he's a nice guy. About 45 minutes into our date, I get a text from Carrie. It's 7:30pm. "What up. We are just going to stay here. We have been drinking. Y'all have fun."
I was pissed, but almost unsurprised. I didn't respond.
When I got home I was even more upset than that morning. I cleaned my fucking house and did laundry and all this stuff for them to came stay and she just fucking blew me off to have couple time with Lauren and Dallas. It's like because I'm single and now they are not, I no longer FIT in, because I don't have a dude to bring.

So that's basically my life right now. I haven't talked to Carrie since, although she just texted me about something random. I don't know what to say because I'm upset and I want her to know I'm upset and I want her to know why, but I also don't want it to become a thing between us. She's generally a good friend, and was single for a long time too, so it's not like this is common.
I didn't go to dinner with them because sometimes you have to be able to give yourself what you need. You have to prioritize your own needs before others. And that's what I did, and I'm still the one getting shit on for it.

Back to the Basics

After the conversation with Adam, I didn't hear from him the next day, so I assumed he was blowing me off. Then when I did talk to him finally, he told me he'd gone to play trivia with some friends Thursday night...!?!?! So that also pissed me off and that was when I decided, "Ok, I'm done", which was I think when I left that comment in response to the mean, anonymous commenter. I know I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I'm still a fucking person! With FEELINGS. Whoever you are "Anonymous", maybe it's cool for you to use tough love on your friends, but I'm not your friend. You've never met me. You only know about me, what I choose to share with you and this..."relationship", for lack of a better word, that I have with you all as readers is obviously very one-sided. So keep that in mind before you decide to kick me when I'm down.
Anyway, so I decided I wasn't gonna waste anymore time waiting around for Adam, and get on with my life. He did text me back later that night saying "Hmmmmm" and then "Hello??" but I was already asleep and didn't bother responding the next morning.
Lauren's Dad passed away on Friday, and Carrie was here to pick up the puppy, but in light of all the tragedy, we didn't really go out Friday or Saturday night. We did go out Saturday during the day though. I had to work early in the morning. I got to take photos from the back of a motorcycle of a 10k race that was going on. It was pretty fun! And I posted a selfie of me and the guy driving the bike on Facebook. After work, Lauren said she needed a distraction, and a group of guys was in town for a bachelor party and she knew one of them. So we went out to lunch and drinks with them for a little day drinking. I was having a good time, and trying to keep Lauren laughing and distracted. I'm pretty good at that. Then I got a Facebook message from Adam, asking me if I'd had fun on the motorcycle that morning. I ignored him. Then 2 hours later, he sent me the same exact message via text! I ignored that too. At first... After I'd had a couple drinks I lost my will power and responded. I just figured, if he's sent me 4 messages in the last 12 hours with no response, he must actually still wanna talk to me...right?
But I played it really cool with him. Answered his questions, but didn't ask him any, not leaving the door open for more conversation unless he initiated it. And he did! So we chatted for a bit and then I decided when the conversation was over.
The next day, Sunday, I woke up with a sore throat and had to work in the rain for like 5 hours, which was really helpful. I was too busy to think about Adam really, but still, I waited for him to text first, and he did. I did the same thing yesterday and he texted again. I've been trying to maintain my distance, and not be so available, and...it worked! He came over last night, and we watched a scary movie and snuggled and had awesome sex. Several times. Both of us are basically sick now, so we were like what the hell? This morning we watched a couple episodes of Seinfeld this morning, before he had to leave to go to the doctor. Now I'm drinking hot tea and watching TV in bed as I type this.
I'm gonna try to keep doing what I've been doing the last couple days with Adam. I mean, I know he likes me, and he knows what I want. And it's not like I want that RIGHT NOW, I just don't want to waste anymore time if that's not an eventual possibility. But we kept it light last night. I probably won't see him again till next Wednesday, because on Saturday, I'm going to Orlando with Sophie, Dad, and his girlfriend, Laurel, who I LOVE, and we're gonna go back to Harry Potter World, of course, and I'm so excited!! And I won't get back till Wednesday the 6th of April, which happens to be the last day of Adam's work week. So we'll see what happens. I'm trying to play it cool, but I still feel pretty positive about it.

Today Is The Worst.

Today is the worst. I had made up my mind to adopt one of the puppies I was fostering. I became super attached to him, and he's so fluffy and sweet! He got along with my dog AND even my cat! They love to play together! And I love him so much! Today I had to take all the puppies back to the SPCA to be spayed and neutered, and then the plan was to pick up Draper (mine) and Joan (the one Carrie adopted) and bring them back home with me.
But Sophie totally tanked that plan by telling me AFTER I DROPPED THEM ALL OFF, that if I adopt Draper, she won't move in with me this September. We were in the car, and I was on my way to drop her off at Tulane for meetings and stuff. I already got him a collar made with his name on it, and bought him a bed, and a double leash for he and Jasper to use when I walked them together... And of course I took the tags off everything. So then I cried the whole way home because I hadn't even said goodbye to him! I did eventually get to see him when I went to pick up Joan, but he was really out of it from his surgery, poor baby. And then I cried some more, of course. And I've pretty much been crying off and on all day. I was supposed to go to this P.h.D. dinner thing with Sophie, but I told her I decided to stay home. Partly because I don't feel like going anywhere, and I'm sad and miserable, and partly because I'm mad at her, because the reason I feel like this is her fault! She says with her 2 cats, another dog would just be too many animals. ((sigh)) I just miss him so much already. I know he'll find a home quickly, and someone will love him to death, I just wish it could have been me.

The only good news is, I ended up hearing from Adam yesterday almost right after I made my last post. So my moment of panic was shortlived. I guess he is still interested, or he wouldn't still be texting me, right? He's not coming back till Tuesday morning though! So again, I dunno when I'm gonna ever see him! Unless he wants to go out Tuesday night. But I'm not gonna ask him, he has to ask me. So we'll see...
Well, my sushi just arrived, so I'm gonna wallow in food and cuddle Joanie while I watch TV.

Goodbye California

I had a talk with one of my guy friends last night about Lane. I explained everything to him, showed him our texts, and he said I should move on. Clearly he likes me, but he was just here to have a nice weekend, and he most likely knows how I feel (my friend says guys DO pick up on things like that, I'm not so sure though...), but he's choosing to ignore it, either because he's not interested in a relationship, or because he doesn't think a relationship is plausible, or both.
As tough as that was to hear, I think he's right. The distance I've been feeling between us lately...it just adds up. ((Sigh)) It sucks, and I'm sad and disappointed, but maybe it's for the best. I don't want to move to California! I love it here. And who knows, maybe when he turns 30, things will turn around. He may come out of the woodwork again in a few years. Assuming I'm still available. Ha! I probably will be, considering my track record.
I do want to maintain the friendship, I mean I really love him as a person! But I'm going to call it quits with the texting for a while. I just need time to get over it. I'm trying really hard to stay positive, and I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and meet people. I don't wanna be lonely and depressed all the time. It sucks. But what a lot of people don't understand is, depression and anxiety are illnesses. They affect the body in PHYSICAL ways as well as emotional. You can't compare it to "that one time you were really sad/anxious about ____". It never really goes away. It's just something I have to learn to live with and manage. And I'm still trying to figure that out. But these kinds of situations are really difficult for me. I know it's hard for anyone to put themself out there, or have their heart broken, but anytime I start to have feelings for someone, my immediate gut reaction is fear. Fear of the downward spiral that will follow when that person disappoints me. God...I think about Brandon and how long it took me to get over him, and at the time, I was undiagnosed. I had no idea why I was having such a hard time! I mean, I was in love with him, sure, so that made it harder. But I just wonder how I might have handled that differently if I had known what I was really dealing with.
Anyway, sorry if I'm seem really whiny on the blog lately, but I have to get it out somewhere!

Happy New Year...I Hope

The past few days were a total whirlwind...of fun, of romance, of a happiness and satisfaction I had almost forgotten I could even feel. And even though I know I should feel grateful and happy about that experience, all I feel now is the most profound sense of loss and sadness because that time is over now, and he's gone. It was just so wonderful to feel a part of something that wasn't just me. To be not alone. But having experienced that after so long, has just made my sense of loneliness now even more acute. I just feel so full of all the things I wish I had done or said. And I'm worried that I may always wonder what could have been. A part of me, in the back of my mind, thinks I might be in love with him, but that's too terrifying to admit, and the fact that I don't really know how he feels about me, just makes everything all the more confusing. The truth is, that despite the odds, and the distance between us, in age and geography, I would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. At least to give it a shot. I was uncertain of that before, but now I know. I'm just so scared to tell him how I feel, because I know that in taking that plunge, I have to be prepared to hear the response I don't want. And that would break my heart. And for the sake of myself, I'd have to take a huge step back from all this. Maybe not talk to him at all, which would be nearly impossible, and also could mean would I be losing a great friendship.
I feel so stupid and naive, because I knew this would likely not end well. It's dangerous to look forward to something so much, knowing it's only fleeting. I knew that I should keep my feelings out of it, but I couldn't do that, and this is all on me. I'm such a fool.
Sophie says I should talk to him. I talked with her about it this morning, as I was crying on my way home from dropping Lane at the airport. She said, "Well, you can see a way that it would work and you obviously want that, so you should tell him. Otherwise you're just allowing yourself to be in this limbo because you're afraid of not getting what you want so you're willing to settle for whatever he's willing to give. And investing a lot into it and then feeling this way. You can speculate all you want, but you won't know anything real unless you talk to him."

I know she's right, I have to talk to him. But he's actually in the air right now, and I think I'm gonna give it a couple days. Neither of us had much sleep in the last 3 days, and there was a lot of alcohol and sex happening, which can leave anyone feeling pretty raw. Like coming down from a 3 day high. It's rough. And I don't think I'm capable of keeping my emotions in check right now, since all I've been doing is intermittently crying and sleeping all day.
I'm worried for myself about what this could possibly do to me. When did I become such a fragile person, that 3 days with one guy could transform me from a relatively stable, not necessarily happy, but...comfortable just being single person, to a total love-sick train wreck?

Well my grandma passed away this evening. So I will probably be making a trip to Houston in the next couple of days. Just to clarify, this is my paternal grandmother. My maternal grandfather passed away in February. So they weren't married. Different sets of grandparents. My paternal grandfather passed away almost 2 years ago, when I was still in Chicago. And since my grandma had Alzheimer's, she would often forget that her husband was gone. At least they're together now. I'm partly relieved, because I don't have have to worry about her anymore, and she's in a better place. But I'm just really, really sad. She was the brightest most positive person. She never lost her spirit or kindness, or her sense of humor, even when it got rough for her. She was witty, and sweet, and everybody loved her. Even though I hadn't seen her in a while, the world is a little less bright without her, but I know there's a new star twinkling somewhere up in the sky. The next couple weeks are going to be rough. I prefer to grieve privately, and I'm not close with most of my dad's family, and I know it's dumb, but I don't want to cry in front of them. The whole experience is gonna feel like trying to hold in a huge fart. Ugh. I'll be so relieved when this is all over.

Another Missed Opportunity

((Sigh)) Well I spend the last couple days in a depressed funk. Sunday I didn't eat at all, and spent the evening polishing off a bottle of wine and crying, alone, in my apartment, like the pathetic spinster I apparently am. It just totally caught me off guard. I mean I just talked to Todd last week about getting together over Christmas break. And now I have to hang out with him and his fiancé and it's just going to be an awkward, depressing, bitter experience for me. I mean I know we have drifted apart and our friendship has undergone a lot of strain over the past couple years, but... I just didn't expect him to get engaged. Especially not so soon. And especially not to her. I dunno why, I mean, they've been living together for a while now, and they've been together for long enough that I should have seen it coming. I guess I just thought...7 years...if he hasn't figured out whether or not he wants to marry her yet, then it's probably not meant to be. And I always thought there would be another chance for him and me... I mean I've always had this Taylor Swift "You Belong With Me" feeling about Todd. Literally, that song pretty much describes our friendship perfectly, at least it did at one point. I dunno, now I just feel foolish, and disappointed, and so....empty. Another day, another opportunity missed.

The Place Where I Belong

If I get a little sad/discouraged/depressed/start feeling sorry for myself every time I see that another person in my social circle has gotten engaged or married, does that make me a selfish person??
Cuz I've been feeling that a lot lately. Two engagements and one wedding within a week. Ugh... It just makes me feel so inadequate. So...lonely.
And not just for a significant other, but for my family and my friends. I know I have Sophie, but she's talking about moving to NYC next year, and one good friend isn't always enough. Over the past year+ that I've been here in Chicago, I've learned something really important: that you should never take your friends for granted. Because true friends, the friends you stay in touch with for years and years, the friends you can always count on, the friends who you're not afraid to cry in front of, are really hard to find. And they're even harder to replace.
I guess I'm getting a bit homesick. It's weird because I finally have my own place here, and I actually do feel "at home", but I still feel alone. I mean I have Abbie, but she's not Izzie. She's not Jenna. She's not Taryn. I miss them all so much. Which brings me to my next point...
I'm thinking about moving to Austin. When I finish school I mean. NOLA is still in the running of course, but Austin may now be a close contender. My trip down there is only in a couple more weeks, so perhaps that will paint a clearer picture for me.
But how will I know when I've found the place where I belong? Not just geographically, but career-wise, relationship-wise, friendship-wise? Am I too late to be asking myself these questions??

Give Up

I think I'm literally having the worst day of my life. I went to the lake with Jasper today to take pictures for my project that's due this week. The sun was out, it was a great day for shooting. I had my tripod and everything set up, and we were at the harbor, where it's flat and cement, good surface for a tripod. Well as I'm taking a picture, a huge gust of wind comes and blows my tripod camera and all into the lake. It's still there, somewhere 9 feet under the freezing cold water, never to be seen again.
Brand new $1400 camera gone. Lens gone. Tripod gone. Project gone. Memory card gone. Pictures gone.
LIFE gone.

This is the second time in 2 weeks that I've suddenly been confronted with a situation where I need to spend thousands of dollars. Last week it was the dentist, now this. I can't stop balling, I'm just so devastated. NOw I don't have a camera, and I can't finish my project for school. I mean, photography is the main reason I came up here to this fucking concrete jungle and now I don't even have a camera! I JUST bought that camera! What am I going to do/??? I just wanna die right now. I can never seem to get anything fucking right. EVerything is a mistake. I just keep FUCKING EVERYTHING UP!!? I just wanna quit school and move back to Houston and be done with it. I've failed. And I have NO ONE here. NO ONE. I've called my mom like 12 times and even she doesn't answer. I've drifted apart from all the good friends I had in Houston, and I don't really have any good friends here. At least none that I can call when I'm crying hysterically. I don't have a boyfriend, or someone to hold me when I'm sad or just need a shoulder to cry on. There's just Sophie. And I hardly ever see her. I just wanna give up.
I wanna give up on everything.

I Caved

It was 2:15am, I was laying in bed with my laptop open, just feeling kind of melancholy and lonely, and he was there. On facebook chat. The only person online. I debated back and forth with myself for about 10 minutes. I typed "Hi" then I deleted it. Then I typed "Hey", but I didn't send it, I just left it there in the chat window, hoping he'd sign off, or maybe something would distract me. But I just kept thinking about him and I couldn't stop myself...I hit enter.

Me: hey

Brazil: hey

Me: how are you?

 Brazil: how have u been?
not so great

Me: oh?

Brazil: n u?

Me: good i guess

Brazil: good, thats good

Me: yea...i mean i've just been really busy not really time for anything besides school, work and swimming
which is probably a good thing

Brazil: yea, i had a pretty tough week too

Me: how come you're up so late?

Brazil: im having trouble sleeping lately

Me: how come?

 Brazil: im anxious

Me: about what?

Brazil: i just feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, sad, all of the above...
u know same old me

 Me: no, i don't know

Brazil: im really glad ur doing good, though
that gives me some peace of mind

Me: i didn't message you to give you peace of mind

Brazil: oh no?

Me: the only reason i'm doing "good" is because i'm forcing myself to be ok

Brazil: whats wrong?

Me: because there's nothing i can do to remedy this situation
in fact, just by talking to you i'm pretty much breaking all my own rules
but...
i dunno

Brazil: i know how it feels, trust me

Me: i don't think you do
mr. "never been dumped"

Brazil: i feel like an ass, an idiot
no? what was stephanie ?

Me: a reality check?

Brazil: right

Brazil: i guess i deserved it

Me: maybe you did
i wouldn't know
everything happens for a reason, i know that
you have to choose to not play the victim
that's exactly what i'm doing

Brazil: if ur trying to cheer me up, its not working

Me: sorry
i wasn't trying though so...maybe i'm not sorry
i just think you need to develop a thicker skin maybe
sorry if that sounds mean
it's hard to not be...resentful towards you, even though i'm not trying to be

Brazil: thanks, thats all i needed tonight
listen,

Me: well if you want me to feel sorry for you, you're asking the wrong person

Brazil: let me just type this for a second

Me: ok

Brazil: u have all the right to hate me, to have no sympathy for me. I deserve it. Im upset, cause i was trying to make things right and i just get more fucked in my own shit. Im just tired of being hurt, and hurting other people. You dont deserve a guy like me, it was bad timing of myself, i should have known better, i feel AWFUL that i let you down, i really do. So if u wanna say how much of a dick I am, i can take it, and I deserve it. Im really sorry peyton, the last thing i wanted was to cause you pain. I respect you, and you can do so much better

Me: that's bullshit

Brazil: idk what to say, i just want to shut my brain off

 Me: do you how much WORSE it makes it when i guy says, "you're too good for me"???
that's like...the worst thing someone can say
"you're so great, but i don't want anything to do with you. sorry! i'm sure you'll find someone better!"
right

Brazil: see? i just make it worse
its not YOU

Me: you keep saying you respect me, but
you know what
nevermind

Brazil: YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM HERE

Me: i don't think you're a dick
i WISH i thought you were a dick
if i thought you were just another asshole i wouldn't give a shit
tell me something though....

Brazil: ok

Me: what do you mean you were trying to make things right? right with you? or right with Stephanie?

Brazil: no, listen
my thing with stephanie is not going anywhere

Me: yea thats what you said when i first met you

Brazil: well it isnt

Me: and don't you know that we're ALL tired of being hurt??
everyone has been fucked over in a relationship at some point
some people, like myself, get it more than others

Brazil: what do you want me to do?

Me: but everyone has been hurt before
what do you want to do?
i'm just telling you that that's a normal part of adult life..its unavoidable. it's no reason to self-medicate or anything

Brazil: i just dont know anymore, i cant make anyone happy. I cant forget her, even though i know she's a selfish bitch. I hurt someone i dont want to hurt. No one is happy! NO ONE, not me, you or her. everyone i get involved with it turns to shit it means I am obviously the problem
dont u think i dont lay my head at night and think about this?
dont u think i think about this shit 24/7?

Me: if you really believe that you are the problem then fix it
i'm not saying i believe that
there is never just one person to blame

Brazil: i wake up thinking about it, i go to sleep thinking about, i shower thinking about it
all day long i cant wait till i go to bed so i can stop thinking

Me: thinking about what exactly?

Brazil: n i dream about it too sometiems
all the shit ive done
that i got myself and everyone into

Me: i have dreams like that sometimes

Brazil: yea do u know what its like to not have peace of mind, at all?

Me: yes

Brazil: hoping u fall sleep do it wont hurt anymore?
longing for the day to be over when u wake up?

Me: i don't think you understand what it's like to be almost 28 years old, no closer to finding what you want out of life than you were 10 years ago. it's like…the last 10 years of my life have been completely pointless! you're only 25 AND you're a guy. you have plenty of time to figure your shit out find someone you want to be with. I don't. i just keep getting older and less desirable. and i'm still in school, surrounded by a bunch of 19 year olds, and i...
it got to the point where i couldn't be even in the same goddamn state as my ex. and now i'm just questioning all the decisions i've made… i mean wtf am i really doing here?? i just keep finding myself in the same fucking situations. ((Sigh))
thats what *I* think about in bed at night
among other things...
all sorts of stupid "what if" scenarios
mostly about you
and about last year

Brazil: oh, so ur far from home ah? do u think i left cause it was fucking paradise there?

Me: this doesn't feel like home to me though
you said it does for you
and you came here for completely different reasons than i did
why are you arguing with me about this?
i don't think i ever even told anyone that before

Brazil: im running away from a lot of things down there too
and btw, ur far from getting less desirable, get real.

Me: i am being real
guys my age don't date girls my age

Brazil: if u were not attractive id never hang out with you

Me: they want girls who are 23

Brazil: and i am picky as fuck
what?

Me: its true

Brazil: then u dont want those gusy
guys*

Me: most guys are just wasting my time anyway

Brazil: i like older women, cause they know their shit. pedophiles like girls, i like women

Me: whatever
well i like MEN
what difference does that make? so far i can't seem to tell the difference between men and boys till it's too late

Brazil: i'll tell u this

Me: if you're going to compliment me, don't

Brazil: no im not

Me: good maybe now you understand why i don't take compliments well

Brazil: i didnt want to keep seeing you, cause i was trying to act like a MAN, and accept the fact i need to get my shit together before i start seeing someone else
i know i am a man, cause im brave enough to speak my mind, thats the diffrence
so take that as a note for the future

Me: and hows that working out for you?

Brazil: listen, im going to bed

Me: i guess there's just a part of me that really believes you're going to just meet someone else and start dating some other chick, and all this bullshit will have been for nothing. and that really drives me crazy to think about.

Brazil: acting like a man, means u have to make decisions that are tough on my own, but in the long run are for the best. For know u just have to accept its gonna suck, and u have to take it. so im taking it, and trying to be a man.

Me: well then i guess i've been a man for quite some time now

Brazil: it goes the same about being a woman its more about being an adult id say
im going to bed now
im sorry about everything, i really am goodnight.

Me: i haven't forgiven you yet. and for that, i'm sorry.
i will eventually
goodnight

It Could Be Worse

Well I think I'm over the crying part, but I'm still listening to Taylor Swift and Jeff Buckley and thinking about Brazil constantly. ((Sigh))
I just miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss looking forward to seeing him on the weekends, and of course I miss the sex, but that's not what's killing me. It's that we got along so well, we had a lot of fun together, and things were just...easy. It wasn't like we had to try hard, ya know? But now he's just gone. Absent. This missing piece of the puzzle. Apparently it's a piece that's always been missing, I just didn't realize it till recently... :/
In my sudden craving for a rebound guy, I texted Bill the other night. Remember Bill? The tall guy from my improv class, we went out on like 1 real date, but then I strangely never heard from him again? Well...we've been texting pretty much ever since. He even said we should hang out. But I'm not trying to rush into everything. I'd forgotten how funny he is though! Brazil wasn't funny, and neither are most of my ex-boyfriends now that I think about it.... I like having someone to laugh with. Someone really actually funny. Bill is really actually funny. Lol.
Anyway... I've been spending a lot of time lately with Katie and Abbie. Not at the same time, but you know they're like my 2 best girlfriends here at the moment, and that's definitely what I need. Abbie couldn't believe the shit that went down with Brazil. She actually met him, unlike any of my other friends. But that's only because he would come into the bar when we were both working. But I've been having fun just doing girl things. Mostly shopping... I'm realizing I have a stress-induced shopping habit. But oh well, at least I don't smoke cigarettes or eat in my sleep. It could be worse? I got some really great steals on some outfits for spring too, so I don't have any complaints.
I came across this song the other day, and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. One, because it's Foo Fighters and they're one of my top 3 favorite bands of all time, and two, because it's like it's literally about me. It's weird because I've listened to the song many times before, I just never really listened to it, before now...

I should have known that it would end this way
I should have known there was no other way
Didn't hear your warning
Damn my heart gone deaf

I should have known
Look at the shape you're in
I should have known
But I dove right in
One thing is for certain
As I'm standing here
I should have known

Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt

I should have known
I was inside of you
I should have known
There was that side of you
Came without a warning
Caught me unaware

I should have known
I've been here before
I should have known
Don't want it anymore
One thing is for certain
I'm still standing here
I should have known

Lay your hands in mine
Heal me one last time
Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt

No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
I should have known

Maybe you was right
Didn't want a fight
I should have known
Couldn't read the signs
Couldn't see the lie
I should have known

Though I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
You leave my heart in debt
No I cannot forgive you yet
No I cannot forgive you yet
To leave us all in debt

I should have known.

What Do I Do??

You guys this is killing me. I'm a total mess. I've been crying and listening to Taylor Swift all day. When I left his place yesterday, which is the noise you hear at the end of the recording, he sent me a message, about 15 minutes later that said, "I don't know where all this is coming from, but i just want you to know i would not use you, and i was giving this a real shot. this sucks..."
I didn't respond at the time, because I was too upset. But I thought about everything, long and hard and around 3am, I wrote him back.

"Look, i heard that you went out with stephanie last weekend purely by coincidence. And i'm not going to tell you who, so don't bother asking. No one was trying to throw you under the bus. But you have NO IDEA how it felt to hear that... I seriously thought I could trust you, but I literally spent most of today second guessing everything you've ever said to me. Just when I was starting to get used to the idea of you being around, and really developing feelings for you and its like I really don't think you're being honest with me. What am I supposed to do [Brazil]?? I've been burned too many times. This fucking sucks for me a lot more than it sucks for you. That seriously hurt me. I just wish you have been honest with me about it. I've been very accommodating and understanding through all of this, but I'm tired of being your backup. I deserve better than that and you know it. Work your shit out with stephanie."

He never responded. How is possible for me to miss him so much already?? I know you guys all think he's a jerk, and I shouldn't let him explain himself, but I wanna talk to him so bad! He's on facebook chat right now and I'm just so tempted to reach out to him... But I don't know if it's a good idea. I'm just too emotional right now. ((Sigh))

Endure

I'm going to see him in an hour. I will definitely post when I get home from work tonight, which probably won't be till about 5am, but by tomorrow we'll all know what happens. ((Sigh))
Also, I just wanna clarify something, because Warren did point this out to me last night, which definitely doesn't excuse his behavior (!!!) but, I think it is a valid point worth mentioning. And that is that he and I are not exclusive. Also, Stephanie did dump him back in the beginning of December, and I'm pretty sure they never officially got back together. He just referred to her as his gf in that conversation because obviously that girl didn't know anything about their history. So I guess Brazil was just trying to see if he could work things out with Stephanie, because she said she wanted him back. But of course, the fact still remains that he lied to me about it. And that's the bottom line. So I'm not going to be cutting him any slack. Wish me luck. :/

I see our fate, I see our past
And all the things that could not last
It’s heavy on these eyes, frozen as I hold this photograph
It’s all we’re left that’s of any worth
And it’s so much more than a thousand words
Now in this frame is our only way we can endure

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow

I feel so...drained. I couldn't stop thinking about Brazil all night at work. At first I sort of felt....relieved. Liberated even. It was as if I'd been holding my breath all this time, and I was finally able to release it. The other shoe finally fucking dropped. ((Sigh)) Back to being independent, self-reliant old me again.
And then I felt frustrated, angry, used...
And now I just feel so sad, and disappointed. I was just starting to fall for him you know?

He texted me while I was on the train, something just chatty, or whatever. It didn't require a response, so of course I didn't give him one. Then later he wrote, "You left your umbrella at my place!", which I'm really pissed about btw. And I still didn't answer. Then he was like, "Hello???" and I started to panic, because I didn't want him to think I was mad at him, because then I would have to tell him why, and I was worried he'd put 2 and 2 together and know that I'd looked on his computer and he'd think I was snooping, which would completely detract from everything that he did. So I wrote him back, "Oh yea, I realized I left it after I locked the door!"
Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring it to me, and he could come in and eat. I told him not to worry about it, I was busy with a private party and wouldn't be able to hang out so I'd just get the umbrella another time. That was a total lie. But he said ok. So I'm planning to talk to him tomorrow sometime. I don't know what I'm gonna say yet. I haven't decided if I'm going to just tell him I know he's been seeing Stephanie, or if I'm gonna ask him if he's been seeing her, and make him swear to be honest. If I ask him, then he'll have the opportunity to deny it, which I won't really be able to refute, but if he does, I'll know exactly what a fake he is. But if I just say I know he's been seeing her, he's likely to get suspicious, and ask me how I know. ((Sigh!))

My coworker, Warren, said something surprisingly insightful to me tonight though. I was telling him the whole story, and he said something along the lines of, "Come on you knew what was really going on!" (In reference to Brazil and Stephanie)
And when I denied it, he said, "Well, maybe you didn't know exactly, but deep down, you knew that wasn't gonna go anywhere. I mean I don't know you that well, but I think I know you well enough to know that that little guy, wasn't it."

And he's right. I mean I wanted so badly for Brazil to be what I wanted him to be, but he's not. And he never will be. I was just settling for him because he...

he made me happy.

((Sigh))

I Stumbled Upon Something Bad...

I stayed with Brazil last night, everything was fine and dandy. We talked about stuff, mainly Stephanie, his ex. He said she keeps trying to contact him and it's bringing him down blablabla... I basically told him I was getting tired of hearing about Stephanie all the time, because I don't know what he wants me to do with this information! I mean there's nothing I can do about it. So how is that supposed to make me feel that he's constantly thinking about his ex, and getting all depressed over her? ((Sigh)) He said he was sorry, and that he's trying to get over her, but he can't just change his number, more blablabla.
So then this morning, he left early for work and I slept till like noon. When I got up, I went to his computer to check my email, facebook, etc. Well the browser opened automatically to his facebook, cuz he never signs out. And I saw a conversation open with some girl named Britney. And I saw the name Stephanie in that conversation, so I read it. Maybe it was against my better judgement, but guess what?? He apparently just broke up with her over the weekend!! Read below...

Britney: What's going on?

Brazil: broke up with the girl I was seeing this weekend :/

Britney: I didn't know you were seeing anyone. I'm so sorry. It just wasn't working out? What happened?

Brazil: it's a really long and sad story

Britney: Just tell me

Brazil: well i'm just heartbroken, I really fell for her, big time. I just feel used, and I am so angry, frustrated and sad

Britney: What did she do?

Brazil: Several things since I met her, but this weekend it reached the point where I had enough

Britney: What was the breaking point?

Brazil: this will be long so bear with me:

Britney: Ok

Brazil: So, she had to be away during valentine's day. She was doing training for her company in Ohio. Understandable, I had no problems with that at all.

Brazil: So we planned to celebrate our valentine's day on friday when she got back, i'd pick her up in the airport and we would have dinner afterwards

Brazil: i don't know if you know, but I don't have a car

Brazil: so I rented one, bought a nice card, bought a super nice gift (which i knew she really wanted already), made a reservation at this awesome restaurant in the burbs, I basically made sure she would have a great night once she got here

Britney: wow [Brazil], wow

Brazil: at first when she arrived, everything seemed to be fine, she seemed to be super happy to see me, she really enjoyed the gifts too, so far so good.

Brazil: Then at dinner, everything went fine, the food was great, we had wine, she enjoyed her meal, all good.

Brazil: then we drove back to her place, so we could spend the night together once we got there, she basically didn't even let me go up, saying she was too tired and wanted to be alone. 

Brazil: lets not forget she didn't give me shit for vday, just for the record. as soon as she left the car, i just could not believe what happened

Britney: oh boy

Brazil: then, the next day, she refused to answer the phone all day, completely ignoring me. That's when i said i had enough. She's done this several times before, so it was not like it was the first time.

Brazil: not to say that all the times i was at the hospital she did not come visit me once, one of the times she said she couldn't because she was having dinner with her girlfriends

Britney: Omg [Brazil], that would have been it for me right there

Brazil: so the dinner on friday, i was kinda giving it a last try, made sure i tried everything. i made sure i did everything as best as I could, so if something went wrong, i knew it would not have been my fault.

Brazil: and then, that shit happened, so I finally gave up

Britney: I'm sorry to hear that.

Yea, I'm sorry to hear that too, because I never want to see Brazil again. He fucking lied to me! After all that BULLSHIT about being honest, not matter what! He fucking lied. And what if he was sleeping with her?!? I feel like such a fool. I should have known better. He's young, he's not over his ex, wtf was I thinking!?? I know this is bad karma for reading a private conversation, but I guess it's better that I know. I just don't know what to do now. I mean I can't unlearn this information, and I can't pretend I don't know about it either. But how I can tell him I know?? What do I say to him?? And is it sad that there's some part of me that's hoping he'll have some sort of valiant explanation and everything will work out??

Oh yea, before I forget, guess who just sent me a friend request on facebook?? THE MODEL. Ughh.....

An Old Friend

I just remembered that last night I had a dream about Evan. His birthday was a couple days ago. I can't remember much about the dream, except that he and I were hanging out together. And we were having a good time. And I woke up sad. I sent him a text message that said, "Happy Late Birthday!" He never responded, of course. I don't know why I can't just get over the fact that he and I aren't friends anymore. It just really, really hurts. He's such a great guy, so funny, and a lot of fun. He was like my best guy friend, other than Todd. I think about him every time I watch Seinfeld. And I just wanna be like, "Hey Evan, remember that episode where-" but I can't. Because he basically broke up with me. Like...friend dumped me. I wanna tell him how much it hurts that he did that, but I don't know if he'd even answer my phone call! He didn't even try to get in contact me when I moved to Chicago. ((Sigh)) Maybe it's his wife. Maybe she knows we have a weird past. Maybe she doesn't trust me or feel comfortable letting Evan hang out with me or something. But to me, all that stuff that happened between us doesn't matter anymore. I just wish I could have my friend back. You know what? I'm going to try calling him right now...

Nostalgia

Every once in a while I get these random sharp pains of sorrow and nostalgia about Evan. I miss him so much. He really was one of the best friend I ever had. It makes me so sad that he doesn't even want to try to maintain our friendship. ((Sigh))

The Unbirthday

Is it silly of me to cry myself to sleep on my birthday because...

I didn't get any presents.
Only 2 of my friends even remembered it was my birthday.
I'm lonely.
I am now 27 and still single.

??