I've been struggling, but somehow I'm keeping my head above water. Mostly I think because I've just been too busy to worry. I started a second job this week, to supplement my income, thank god, and I just sort of hit the ground running. But let me go ahead and fill you in the last couple weeks.
July 1 was Bethany and Tony's couples engagement shower thing. I really, really didn't wanna go. That was like the day after my last post, I was feeling really shitty, and just didn't think I could handle that. But since I'm a bridesmaid, it would have looked back if I didn't go, and Lauren basically forced my hand by saying she wouldn't make any excuses for me if Bethany asked why I wasn't there. we agreed to ride together, and I told her I probably wouldn't be very good company, but she said she didn't care as long as she didn't have to go by herself. Well it was an open bar, and I ended up just getting shitfaced on chardonnay and tequila shots. Who does that?! Lol. The night actually turned out ok though. I met a nice, attractive guy at the shower, and sort of...latched onto him. Not in a clingy way, I mean, he was interested! But Lauren ended up leaving early, and Vicky, one of the other bridesmaids, convinced me to stay and said she'd give me a ride home, because everyone was going out afterwards. Well I rode to the bar with the guy, Brian. I was already really drunk by this point. Everything at the bar is really fuzzy. Brian ended up driving me home. I don't know what happened to Vicky. He walked me to the door, and came inside and we kissed, and talked for a bit, but that's it. He's apparently very allergic to cats, so he basically left ASAP. Lol.
The next day I woke up super hungover and I was supposed to drive to Houston. But I literally couldn't move. Then my cousin Macie called, because she was in town for the weekend with her boyfriend. She's a sophomore at Louisiana Tech. I asked her if they could drive me to my car, and she said ok. So they both came over, and we sorta just goofed around for a while. I still couldn't muster the energy to really get up and get going. Then Macie convinced me to come to lunch with them and Grandma. I figured, free lunch, why not? But seriously, by the time I got my car, packed up and was ready to go to Houston, it was like 7pm. And the drive sucked, but at least there wasn't any traffic. Surprising since it was Saturday before Independence Day. The reason for my trip to Houston is because my Aunt Raquel (Jenna and Amy's mom) finally passed away after 3 years in hospice with early onset dementia. She'd been in really bad shape, so it came as a surprise to no one, but because Jenna is one of my best friends, of course I wanted to be there for her.
It was around midnight when I got in, and I was completely exhausted after the night before, and just the week I had. I had to drive to Baton Rouge early in the morning 3 days in a row for training for the new job, and just hadn't gotten much sleep. But my dad made me get up to go to church with him the next morning. He said all my old friends were in town and they'd be there! But literally no one was. In fact, there were less people there than a normal Sunday. But whatever. Afterwards, we went to my Aunt Jeanie's for food and swimming with the family. The family that I've been basically estranged from. ((Sigh)) I didn't put up a fuss about it though because my dad's sister just died, and I knew Jenna would be there. It was actually ok. I had fun, other than my douche cousin Paul telling me I must have a small brain because I said horoscopes are horseshit. ((eye roll)) He is such a prick. Anyway, I basically went home and slept after that, still not having caught up on sleep.
The 4th was spent with Taryn and her boyfriend. Even though her bf was there, it was some much needed bestie time and we had a blast. We got day drunk, went swimming, went out for drinks, and then ended up at someone's high rise apt to watch the fireworks. Once we were there, inside said apt, someone mentions to me that Brandon lives there. Brandon, as in my ex. The last actual boyfriend I had. I honestly wish no one even told me because after that I could not stop obsessing over him, and how much I hate his current gf (which is true, she's a total twat), and how he took me for granted when we were together and broke up with me bc he said he thought I was going nowhere in life... Ugh. I rarely get embarrassed, but drunk me was literally spouting this shit to anyone who would listen. Luckily, he wasn't there. He was in Europe with the twat gf for a wedding. Ugh. But I'm sure someone will tell him I was there, in his house, and how I couldn't stop talking about him. ((Sigh)) Whatever.
I drove back to NOLA the next day. Back to reality! Brian continued to text me, despite my drunk shenanigans at the wedding shower. Carrie texted to let me know she would be in Louisiana this weekend. Since she's moving to Baton Rouge with her boyfriend. Another one bites the dust... I can't remember if I mentioned that or not. I mean I'm glad she's moving closer to here, but I doubt that will change much, honestly. So I worked all week, and everything kinda just flew out of my head about the weekend. Friday night I texted Lauren, asking what she was up to, no response. Then Sunday morning rolled around, and I got a group text from Carrie to Lauren and I. She said she and her bf, Jack, were gonna drive into the city that afternoon, and she wanted us to all go out to dinner so we could meet him. I said sure, sounds great, and then she asked me if they could stay at my place, because she had a job interview Monday on the north shore. I said ok, and began making a mental list of all the things I'd have to do to get my place ready for overnight guests. Then finally, Lauren chimes in with, "Would y'all want to just come to my house for dinner? [Dallas] is in town and we were just planning on making pizzas at the house and hanging at home. We have plenty of food and wine. :D"
I literally started crying. Maybe it was because it was early, and I was still in bed and really tired. Or maybe it's because I'd been really looking forward to some more much needed girl time and I just can't seem to get any without everyone's fucking boyfriends around! I don't really know why I started crying, it was just my reaction.
I said, "Ugggghhhh ok I'm out."
NOT IN THE MOOD TO "HANG AT HOME" WITH 2 COUPLES.
Carrie: Wtf Peyton
Me: Sooooo dont wanna be a 5th wheel right now.
Lauren: My sister is going to be there too.
Yea, cuz she fucking LIVES there. NOT the same.
I didn't respond.
Then Carrie called. I felt weird trying to explain to her that I'm trying really fucking hard to not get depressed, and hanging out with you guys and your boyfriends is not going to help. I can't remember exactly what I said, I just told her I didn't wanna hang out with couples, I couldn't deal with it right now. And she tried to convince me it wouldn't be like that, and she doesn't act coupley, and the guys would go off and talk and we could just hang out... But I still declined. I told her it wouldn't make a difference who the couples were, I just can't do it. And she said she understood. Then I suggested we meet up after and go for drinks, since she and Jack were gonna stay at my place anyway, and she agreed.
Since I had the day off from work, I spent it cleaning, doing laundry, and changing my bedding, since I was gonna let them have my bed, and just take the couch for the night. I cleaned the litter box, and the kitchen, and got rid of any clutter around the house. It took most of the day. Then Brian texted and asked what I was doing later. I forgot I'd told him I was off Sunday and that maybe we could hang. Of course, that was before I knew Carrie and Jack would be sleeping over. So I told him what was going on, and I said he could join all of us for drinks. He seemed a little uncomfortable with that though, and asked if we could just meet first, before I go out with Carrie and Jack. So I agreed.
I texted Carrie and said, "I'm gonna go on a sort of date. He knows I'm meeting up with you though, but I'll probably go to the other side of the river. So let's just keep in touch."
Carrie: I can just stay here if that's easier? But if you wanna ditch him let me know and I will come over. I don't want to interrupt.
Me: No! I don't wanna change our plans! I'm just meeting him for a couple drinks.
Carrie: I will be back next weekend too
Me: I have to work all wkend next week cuz I'm filling in for a girl who's gonna be out of town, but if you would rather stay with Lauren, that's fine
Carrie: No that's not it at all, just didn't want to interrupt your date. We are about to eat, what you thinkin? 8?
Me: Yea that's cool
So I go to meet Brian around 6:45. The date went well I guess, but it's definitely not gonna work out between us. Aside from the fact that he's terribly allergic to cats, he wants five fucking kids! FIVE! That is completely out of the question. We actually had an interesting debate about that.
You know what I really hate? People basically telling me that I should want children, because - insert one or more here:
A) It's expected of me, as a woman
B) It's just what married couples do
C) You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy
D) You can't be happy or fulfilled without children
E) I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't want them!
UUUGGGHHHHH.
PEOPLE! STOP TELLING WOMEN THEY NEED/WANT/SHOULD HAVE CHILDREN. I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.
I get this from men and women alike. Honestly, more from women. There are several reasons that I don't want kids, and I can think of a lot more cons than pros. Sure, people who have kids love them. But that doesn't mean they wouldn't have been just as happy if they never had any in the first place!
Anyway, that's a rant that deserves a post of it's own, so back to the story...
It's not gonna work between Brian and me, but he's a nice guy. About 45 minutes into our date, I get a text from Carrie. It's 7:30pm. "What up. We are just going to stay here. We have been drinking. Y'all have fun."
I was pissed, but almost unsurprised. I didn't respond.
When I got home I was even more upset than that morning. I cleaned my fucking house and did laundry and all this stuff for them to came stay and she just fucking blew me off to have couple time with Lauren and Dallas. It's like because I'm single and now they are not, I no longer FIT in, because I don't have a dude to bring.
So that's basically my life right now. I haven't talked to Carrie since, although she just texted me about something random. I don't know what to say because I'm upset and I want her to know I'm upset and I want her to know why, but I also don't want it to become a thing between us. She's generally a good friend, and was single for a long time too, so it's not like this is common.
I didn't go to dinner with them because sometimes you have to be able to give yourself what you need. You have to prioritize your own needs before others. And that's what I did, and I'm still the one getting shit on for it.
Showing posts with label Disappointed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Disappointed. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Obliviate
Sometimes I wish it was possible to completely erase someone from your memories. As if they were never there. You could forget all the memories you ever had of them, and you'd never have to think about them again. Just...Obliviate, like in Harry Potter.
But then I wonder, if it were possible, would I do it? Could I do it? Is it better to have memories, even good memories, if all they do is make you sad? Or is it better to just not have them at all?
But then I wonder, if it were possible, would I do it? Could I do it? Is it better to have memories, even good memories, if all they do is make you sad? Or is it better to just not have them at all?
Sunday, November 11, 2012
My "Friends" Suck.
Tonight was the biggest disappointment ever. The only person from Houston I saw was Ali. Ugh.... So over everything right now. Why does my life have to suck so bad??
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Tomorrow
I feel so...drained. I couldn't stop thinking about Brazil all night at work. At first I sort of felt....relieved. Liberated even. It was as if I'd been holding my breath all this time, and I was finally able to release it. The other shoe finally fucking dropped. ((Sigh)) Back to being independent, self-reliant old me again.
And then I felt frustrated, angry, used...
And now I just feel so sad, and disappointed. I was just starting to fall for him you know?
He texted me while I was on the train, something just chatty, or whatever. It didn't require a response, so of course I didn't give him one. Then later he wrote, "You left your umbrella at my place!", which I'm really pissed about btw. And I still didn't answer. Then he was like, "Hello???" and I started to panic, because I didn't want him to think I was mad at him, because then I would have to tell him why, and I was worried he'd put 2 and 2 together and know that I'd looked on his computer and he'd think I was snooping, which would completely detract from everything that he did. So I wrote him back, "Oh yea, I realized I left it after I locked the door!"
Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring it to me, and he could come in and eat. I told him not to worry about it, I was busy with a private party and wouldn't be able to hang out so I'd just get the umbrella another time. That was a total lie. But he said ok. So I'm planning to talk to him tomorrow sometime. I don't know what I'm gonna say yet. I haven't decided if I'm going to just tell him I know he's been seeing Stephanie, or if I'm gonna ask him if he's been seeing her, and make him swear to be honest. If I ask him, then he'll have the opportunity to deny it, which I won't really be able to refute, but if he does, I'll know exactly what a fake he is. But if I just say I know he's been seeing her, he's likely to get suspicious, and ask me how I know. ((Sigh!))
My coworker, Warren, said something surprisingly insightful to me tonight though. I was telling him the whole story, and he said something along the lines of, "Come on you knew what was really going on!" (In reference to Brazil and Stephanie)
And when I denied it, he said, "Well, maybe you didn't know exactly, but deep down, you knew that wasn't gonna go anywhere. I mean I don't know you that well, but I think I know you well enough to know that that little guy, wasn't it."
And he's right. I mean I wanted so badly for Brazil to be what I wanted him to be, but he's not. And he never will be. I was just settling for him because he...
he made me happy.
((Sigh))
And then I felt frustrated, angry, used...
And now I just feel so sad, and disappointed. I was just starting to fall for him you know?
He texted me while I was on the train, something just chatty, or whatever. It didn't require a response, so of course I didn't give him one. Then later he wrote, "You left your umbrella at my place!", which I'm really pissed about btw. And I still didn't answer. Then he was like, "Hello???" and I started to panic, because I didn't want him to think I was mad at him, because then I would have to tell him why, and I was worried he'd put 2 and 2 together and know that I'd looked on his computer and he'd think I was snooping, which would completely detract from everything that he did. So I wrote him back, "Oh yea, I realized I left it after I locked the door!"
Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring it to me, and he could come in and eat. I told him not to worry about it, I was busy with a private party and wouldn't be able to hang out so I'd just get the umbrella another time. That was a total lie. But he said ok. So I'm planning to talk to him tomorrow sometime. I don't know what I'm gonna say yet. I haven't decided if I'm going to just tell him I know he's been seeing Stephanie, or if I'm gonna ask him if he's been seeing her, and make him swear to be honest. If I ask him, then he'll have the opportunity to deny it, which I won't really be able to refute, but if he does, I'll know exactly what a fake he is. But if I just say I know he's been seeing her, he's likely to get suspicious, and ask me how I know. ((Sigh!))
My coworker, Warren, said something surprisingly insightful to me tonight though. I was telling him the whole story, and he said something along the lines of, "Come on you knew what was really going on!" (In reference to Brazil and Stephanie)
And when I denied it, he said, "Well, maybe you didn't know exactly, but deep down, you knew that wasn't gonna go anywhere. I mean I don't know you that well, but I think I know you well enough to know that that little guy, wasn't it."
And he's right. I mean I wanted so badly for Brazil to be what I wanted him to be, but he's not. And he never will be. I was just settling for him because he...
he made me happy.
((Sigh))
Friday, February 24, 2012
I Stumbled Upon Something Bad...
I stayed with Brazil last night, everything was fine and dandy. We talked about stuff, mainly Stephanie, his ex. He said she keeps trying to contact him and it's bringing him down blablabla... I basically told him I was getting tired of hearing about Stephanie all the time, because I don't know what he wants me to do with this information! I mean there's nothing I can do about it. So how is that supposed to make me feel that he's constantly thinking about his ex, and getting all depressed over her? ((Sigh)) He said he was sorry, and that he's trying to get over her, but he can't just change his number, more blablabla.
So then this morning, he left early for work and I slept till like noon. When I got up, I went to his computer to check my email, facebook, etc. Well the browser opened automatically to his facebook, cuz he never signs out. And I saw a conversation open with some girl named Britney. And I saw the name Stephanie in that conversation, so I read it. Maybe it was against my better judgement, but guess what?? He apparently just broke up with her over the weekend!! Read below...
Britney: What's going on?
Brazil: broke up with the girl I was seeing this weekend :/
Britney: I didn't know you were seeing anyone. I'm so sorry. It just wasn't working out? What happened?
Brazil: it's a really long and sad story
Britney: Just tell me
Brazil: well i'm just heartbroken, I really fell for her, big time. I just feel used, and I am so angry, frustrated and sad
Britney: What did she do?
Brazil: Several things since I met her, but this weekend it reached the point where I had enough
Britney: What was the breaking point?
Brazil: this will be long so bear with me:
Britney: Ok
Brazil: So, she had to be away during valentine's day. She was doing training for her company in Ohio. Understandable, I had no problems with that at all.
Brazil: So we planned to celebrate our valentine's day on friday when she got back, i'd pick her up in the airport and we would have dinner afterwards
Brazil: i don't know if you know, but I don't have a car
Brazil: so I rented one, bought a nice card, bought a super nice gift (which i knew she really wanted already), made a reservation at this awesome restaurant in the burbs, I basically made sure she would have a great night once she got here
Britney: wow [Brazil], wow
Brazil: at first when she arrived, everything seemed to be fine, she seemed to be super happy to see me, she really enjoyed the gifts too, so far so good.
Brazil: Then at dinner, everything went fine, the food was great, we had wine, she enjoyed her meal, all good.
Brazil: then we drove back to her place, so we could spend the night together once we got there, she basically didn't even let me go up, saying she was too tired and wanted to be alone.
Brazil: lets not forget she didn't give me shit for vday, just for the record. as soon as she left the car, i just could not believe what happened
Britney: oh boy
Brazil: then, the next day, she refused to answer the phone all day, completely ignoring me. That's when i said i had enough. She's done this several times before, so it was not like it was the first time.
Brazil: not to say that all the times i was at the hospital she did not come visit me once, one of the times she said she couldn't because she was having dinner with her girlfriends
Britney: Omg [Brazil], that would have been it for me right there
Brazil: so the dinner on friday, i was kinda giving it a last try, made sure i tried everything. i made sure i did everything as best as I could, so if something went wrong, i knew it would not have been my fault.
Brazil: and then, that shit happened, so I finally gave up
Britney: I'm sorry to hear that.
Yea, I'm sorry to hear that too, because I never want to see Brazil again. He fucking lied to me! After all that BULLSHIT about being honest, not matter what! He fucking lied. And what if he was sleeping with her?!? I feel like such a fool. I should have known better. He's young, he's not over his ex, wtf was I thinking!?? I know this is bad karma for reading a private conversation, but I guess it's better that I know. I just don't know what to do now. I mean I can't unlearn this information, and I can't pretend I don't know about it either. But how I can tell him I know?? What do I say to him?? And is it sad that there's some part of me that's hoping he'll have some sort of valiant explanation and everything will work out??
Oh yea, before I forget, guess who just sent me a friend request on facebook?? THE MODEL. Ughh.....
So then this morning, he left early for work and I slept till like noon. When I got up, I went to his computer to check my email, facebook, etc. Well the browser opened automatically to his facebook, cuz he never signs out. And I saw a conversation open with some girl named Britney. And I saw the name Stephanie in that conversation, so I read it. Maybe it was against my better judgement, but guess what?? He apparently just broke up with her over the weekend!! Read below...
Britney: What's going on?
Brazil: broke up with the girl I was seeing this weekend :/
Britney: I didn't know you were seeing anyone. I'm so sorry. It just wasn't working out? What happened?
Brazil: it's a really long and sad story
Britney: Just tell me
Brazil: well i'm just heartbroken, I really fell for her, big time. I just feel used, and I am so angry, frustrated and sad
Britney: What did she do?
Brazil: Several things since I met her, but this weekend it reached the point where I had enough
Britney: What was the breaking point?
Brazil: this will be long so bear with me:
Britney: Ok
Brazil: So, she had to be away during valentine's day. She was doing training for her company in Ohio. Understandable, I had no problems with that at all.
Brazil: So we planned to celebrate our valentine's day on friday when she got back, i'd pick her up in the airport and we would have dinner afterwards
Brazil: i don't know if you know, but I don't have a car
Brazil: so I rented one, bought a nice card, bought a super nice gift (which i knew she really wanted already), made a reservation at this awesome restaurant in the burbs, I basically made sure she would have a great night once she got here
Britney: wow [Brazil], wow
Brazil: at first when she arrived, everything seemed to be fine, she seemed to be super happy to see me, she really enjoyed the gifts too, so far so good.
Brazil: Then at dinner, everything went fine, the food was great, we had wine, she enjoyed her meal, all good.
Brazil: then we drove back to her place, so we could spend the night together once we got there, she basically didn't even let me go up, saying she was too tired and wanted to be alone.
Brazil: lets not forget she didn't give me shit for vday, just for the record. as soon as she left the car, i just could not believe what happened
Britney: oh boy
Brazil: then, the next day, she refused to answer the phone all day, completely ignoring me. That's when i said i had enough. She's done this several times before, so it was not like it was the first time.
Brazil: not to say that all the times i was at the hospital she did not come visit me once, one of the times she said she couldn't because she was having dinner with her girlfriends
Britney: Omg [Brazil], that would have been it for me right there
Brazil: so the dinner on friday, i was kinda giving it a last try, made sure i tried everything. i made sure i did everything as best as I could, so if something went wrong, i knew it would not have been my fault.
Brazil: and then, that shit happened, so I finally gave up
Britney: I'm sorry to hear that.
Yea, I'm sorry to hear that too, because I never want to see Brazil again. He fucking lied to me! After all that BULLSHIT about being honest, not matter what! He fucking lied. And what if he was sleeping with her?!? I feel like such a fool. I should have known better. He's young, he's not over his ex, wtf was I thinking!?? I know this is bad karma for reading a private conversation, but I guess it's better that I know. I just don't know what to do now. I mean I can't unlearn this information, and I can't pretend I don't know about it either. But how I can tell him I know?? What do I say to him?? And is it sad that there's some part of me that's hoping he'll have some sort of valiant explanation and everything will work out??
Oh yea, before I forget, guess who just sent me a friend request on facebook?? THE MODEL. Ughh.....
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Just Another Let Down
After what I thought was a great date, I haven't heard from Bill since Tuesday. And I was the one that texted him. ((Sigh))
Over it.
Over it.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
All Dressed Up...
...and Lane just backed out. He just started a new job I guess, and he picked up a shift at 6am tomorrow. We were supposed to meet up with Will in an hour. So now I guess it's just me and Will. Another really cute outfit wasted. I'm tired of being blown off by Lane, regardless of his reasons. I think it's safe to say it's over between us. I need to meet someone new. ASAP.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Discouraged
So Lane texted me today asking if I would do headshots for him. And of course I said yes. He got an audition for the lead role in some play, so he needs them ASAP. So we chatted about that for a bit, and then made plans to meet before the show, so we could talk about it.
So when I went to meet him, expecting it to just be the 2 of us, Will was there. Which was fine, cuz I love Will, I just...wasn't expecting him to be there. And Lane acted weird and standoffish AGAIN tonight. We all went out for one drink, but there was this other girl with us, I can't even remember her name. She was nice, and cute, with plastic framed glasses. But it just seemed like our whole dynamic was sort of thrown, cuz I didn't know her, and neither did Will I don't think. Or maybe he did, I dunno. But we met up with her friends afterwards, and none of us knew them. And they were all wasted.
So we're sitting at the table with them, and Lane was talking to one of the guys, and to that girl, but he wasn't paying all that much attention to me, and I was starting to get really discouraged. So when Will said he was heading out, I said I would go with him. So he and I took the train together. We both get off at the same stop. And the whole time I wanted so badly to ask him about Lane! You know, to get the dets, and see if he knows anything that I don't. But I didn't have the guts to bring it up, and I wasn't even sure if he knew anything about Lane and I.
But when I got home, I saw that Will was on FB chat, so I messaged him and came clean. He said Lane never told him anything, but that he suspected. He didn't have any info for me though, just that he knows Lane has had a really strange week. ((Sigh))
I'm just feeling like I should walk away now, before this gets worse. I'm not really getting any encouraging signals from Lane at this point, and I don't wanna go out on a limb and get shot down. That would just...really fuck me up right now and I don't think I could deal with it.
So for now, I'm putting on the brakes with Lane. I'm just going to wait and see what happens. He is going to have to make the next move, and it's going to have to be a big one because I'm done. I'm done flirting, done texting, done playing Words With Friends with him, done cleaning my room and making my bed in the hopes that he'll come over later. I'm just done trying.
I'm not gonna lie though, I'm sad.
So when I went to meet him, expecting it to just be the 2 of us, Will was there. Which was fine, cuz I love Will, I just...wasn't expecting him to be there. And Lane acted weird and standoffish AGAIN tonight. We all went out for one drink, but there was this other girl with us, I can't even remember her name. She was nice, and cute, with plastic framed glasses. But it just seemed like our whole dynamic was sort of thrown, cuz I didn't know her, and neither did Will I don't think. Or maybe he did, I dunno. But we met up with her friends afterwards, and none of us knew them. And they were all wasted.
So we're sitting at the table with them, and Lane was talking to one of the guys, and to that girl, but he wasn't paying all that much attention to me, and I was starting to get really discouraged. So when Will said he was heading out, I said I would go with him. So he and I took the train together. We both get off at the same stop. And the whole time I wanted so badly to ask him about Lane! You know, to get the dets, and see if he knows anything that I don't. But I didn't have the guts to bring it up, and I wasn't even sure if he knew anything about Lane and I.
But when I got home, I saw that Will was on FB chat, so I messaged him and came clean. He said Lane never told him anything, but that he suspected. He didn't have any info for me though, just that he knows Lane has had a really strange week. ((Sigh))
I'm just feeling like I should walk away now, before this gets worse. I'm not really getting any encouraging signals from Lane at this point, and I don't wanna go out on a limb and get shot down. That would just...really fuck me up right now and I don't think I could deal with it.
So for now, I'm putting on the brakes with Lane. I'm just going to wait and see what happens. He is going to have to make the next move, and it's going to have to be a big one because I'm done. I'm done flirting, done texting, done playing Words With Friends with him, done cleaning my room and making my bed in the hopes that he'll come over later. I'm just done trying.
I'm not gonna lie though, I'm sad.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Fail.
Well tonight's improv class kind of sucked. Mainly because I was looking forward to it so much, for a couple of reasons...
1) We didn't have class last week, cuz of the holiday
2) I would finally get to see Lane since he was out of town all weekend
3) I was sure we would be going out again afterwards for another night of debauchery, followed by (hopefully) some more making out and a possible sleepover
Well, Lane was there, of course, but he seemed really...strange. Just not himself, I guess. And I was trying to not be weird myself, since it was the first class we had since we started...whatever we're doing. And I swore to him (and myself) it wouldn't be weird between us. So I made it a point to talk to him and Will during the short break we had, and I sat next to him at some point, but I could just tell there was something wrong. He wasn't being his normal, upbeat, outgoing self. So naturally, I thought maybe it was something to do with me. Maybe after spending a little time apart over the last week, he decided he just wanted to stay friends, and he wasn't really that interested? Or maybe he reconnected with an old girlfriend back home, or maybe he just met someone new...?! ((Sigh))
All these thoughts ended up being a terrible distraction for me during class, so I totally sucked today. And that pisses me off because I never wanted our relationship (or whatever you wanna call it) to affect class! In ANY way! Especially not my performance. Ugh...
Anyway, after class, everybody stayed at the theater to watch a show, so I assumed we'd be going out later as usual. So we all convened outside when the show ended.
"So what's the plan guys?" I asked cheerfully.
"I gotta go home. Gotta get up in the morning." Will said.
"Yea, I think I'm gonna peace out too. I just don't wanna drink tonight." Lane chimed in.
"Really??" I said, genuinely shocked.
"Yea, I have an interview tomorrow, and I my weekend was just..." He sort of trailed off.
"Oooookay then." I said, trying to hide my disappointment.
"I just need to give my wallet a break during the week. And we're gonna go to the show tomorrow night, if you're interested." He recovered.
"Yea, sure. Just...text me tomorrow and let me know what's up."
So Will and Lane left, and I hung back for a minute before heading home myself. As I walked, I couldn't stop analyzing everything Lane had said and done. He was distracted and distant all night, quiet, brooding almost, and not up for drinks. SOOO NOT like him.
So I decided to shoot him a text. When I pulled out my phone, I saw that I already had a message, from Will.
"Sorry to be captain buzzkill", it said.
I laughed and wrote back, "You should be! Now EVERYONE is going home!!!"
Then I wrote a message to Lane that said, "Dude are you ok? You seemed...I dunno. Weird."
A minute later I got a response.
"Umm I am feeling a little weird but I'm gonna try to shake it off. This weekend was weird for me."
"Awe, how come?" I asked, trying not to seem like I was prying, but still concerned.
"It's hard to explain and everyone keeps advising me not to get so distraught about it." He responded.
"Distraught? That's a good word. I think you might have actually talked to me a little bit about this that night you were drunk, but everyone deals with shit in their own way."
"I did? Oh shit, what did I say?"
"Lol, relax! You didn't say anything terrible. You were majorly ADD when we were talking so you kept going off on random tangents, but you told me about your friends from high school, some chick and her bf who hate you because they're jealous and think you're copying them or something, and how your friends from home keep spreading your shit around, and you're sick of it. Am I right?"
"Oh yea, that's all true. That's not really what got to me though. It was more family related and not inherently bad which is why it's hard to explain."
"Hmmm...very cryptic. Ok well...I honestly don't know what to say, but if you wanna talk, I'm a good listener, and if you don't, that's cool too. Whatevs."
"Yea, I'm not ready to talk on this yet but I appreciate it. Ebb and flow. I'll come around."
So, I feel pretty good about how that conversation ended. I mean, I know it's not me anymore for one. And he knows I care, but I'm not gonna pester him for info if he doesn't wanna share. So I just let him know that I'm willing to listen when he's ready to talk.
That's good, right? God, I'm so rusty at this shit. Lol. But if anyone knows anything about family bullshit, it's me. Ugh...
Well, hopefully he'll be feeling more like himself tomorrow when we meet up for the show. But what really sucks is...
1) I wasted a really cute outfit
2) I cleaned my room AND MADE MY BED, cuz I figured he would be coming over! Well, all I had to do to clean was sweep, but still...
3) I shaved my legs
AND FOR WHAT?!? I guess you can never really plan for anything. Nothing is ever easy.
1) We didn't have class last week, cuz of the holiday
2) I would finally get to see Lane since he was out of town all weekend
3) I was sure we would be going out again afterwards for another night of debauchery, followed by (hopefully) some more making out and a possible sleepover
Well, Lane was there, of course, but he seemed really...strange. Just not himself, I guess. And I was trying to not be weird myself, since it was the first class we had since we started...whatever we're doing. And I swore to him (and myself) it wouldn't be weird between us. So I made it a point to talk to him and Will during the short break we had, and I sat next to him at some point, but I could just tell there was something wrong. He wasn't being his normal, upbeat, outgoing self. So naturally, I thought maybe it was something to do with me. Maybe after spending a little time apart over the last week, he decided he just wanted to stay friends, and he wasn't really that interested? Or maybe he reconnected with an old girlfriend back home, or maybe he just met someone new...?! ((Sigh))
All these thoughts ended up being a terrible distraction for me during class, so I totally sucked today. And that pisses me off because I never wanted our relationship (or whatever you wanna call it) to affect class! In ANY way! Especially not my performance. Ugh...
Anyway, after class, everybody stayed at the theater to watch a show, so I assumed we'd be going out later as usual. So we all convened outside when the show ended.
"So what's the plan guys?" I asked cheerfully.
"I gotta go home. Gotta get up in the morning." Will said.
"Yea, I think I'm gonna peace out too. I just don't wanna drink tonight." Lane chimed in.
"Really??" I said, genuinely shocked.
"Yea, I have an interview tomorrow, and I my weekend was just..." He sort of trailed off.
"Oooookay then." I said, trying to hide my disappointment.
"I just need to give my wallet a break during the week. And we're gonna go to the show tomorrow night, if you're interested." He recovered.
"Yea, sure. Just...text me tomorrow and let me know what's up."
So Will and Lane left, and I hung back for a minute before heading home myself. As I walked, I couldn't stop analyzing everything Lane had said and done. He was distracted and distant all night, quiet, brooding almost, and not up for drinks. SOOO NOT like him.
So I decided to shoot him a text. When I pulled out my phone, I saw that I already had a message, from Will.
"Sorry to be captain buzzkill", it said.
I laughed and wrote back, "You should be! Now EVERYONE is going home!!!"
Then I wrote a message to Lane that said, "Dude are you ok? You seemed...I dunno. Weird."
A minute later I got a response.
"Umm I am feeling a little weird but I'm gonna try to shake it off. This weekend was weird for me."
"Awe, how come?" I asked, trying not to seem like I was prying, but still concerned.
"It's hard to explain and everyone keeps advising me not to get so distraught about it." He responded.
"Distraught? That's a good word. I think you might have actually talked to me a little bit about this that night you were drunk, but everyone deals with shit in their own way."
"I did? Oh shit, what did I say?"
"Lol, relax! You didn't say anything terrible. You were majorly ADD when we were talking so you kept going off on random tangents, but you told me about your friends from high school, some chick and her bf who hate you because they're jealous and think you're copying them or something, and how your friends from home keep spreading your shit around, and you're sick of it. Am I right?"
"Oh yea, that's all true. That's not really what got to me though. It was more family related and not inherently bad which is why it's hard to explain."
"Hmmm...very cryptic. Ok well...I honestly don't know what to say, but if you wanna talk, I'm a good listener, and if you don't, that's cool too. Whatevs."
"Yea, I'm not ready to talk on this yet but I appreciate it. Ebb and flow. I'll come around."
So, I feel pretty good about how that conversation ended. I mean, I know it's not me anymore for one. And he knows I care, but I'm not gonna pester him for info if he doesn't wanna share. So I just let him know that I'm willing to listen when he's ready to talk.
That's good, right? God, I'm so rusty at this shit. Lol. But if anyone knows anything about family bullshit, it's me. Ugh...
Well, hopefully he'll be feeling more like himself tomorrow when we meet up for the show. But what really sucks is...
1) I wasted a really cute outfit
2) I cleaned my room AND MADE MY BED, cuz I figured he would be coming over! Well, all I had to do to clean was sweep, but still...
3) I shaved my legs
AND FOR WHAT?!? I guess you can never really plan for anything. Nothing is ever easy.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Disappointing Day
This morning, I was woken up by my phone ringing. Normally, I wouldn't answer, but it was Bethany, and I hadn't talked to her in a while, so I picked up. By the end of the conversation I was wishing I'd stayed asleep. ((Sigh))
She was calling to "forewarn" me that she might not be in town when I'm Houston in a couple weeks for Jenna's wedding. Because she just has to go see her boyfriend play baseball in whatever God-forsaken town his minor league team plays in. It's not like she doesn't go see him almost every fucking weekend! I'm just so pissed. I mean, every time I tell her to come visit me, she's always saying she can't because she has to use her vacation time to go see Tony, because her entire life suddenly revolves around him. Plus she missed my birthday last year for this exact same reason, and she's been telling me constantly how much she misses me, and she's known for MONTHS that I'm going to be in town in April, and now she's probably not even gonna be there. If she goes, I'm gonna be really pissed. Like...monumentally pissed. I don't even like Tony. He's so...desperate for attention, and immature and dramatic. And aggressive. He's always getting drunk and trying to start fights. Ugh... Bethany's just wasting her time and money flying to see him all the time.
On top of that, Sophie and I had plans to have dinner and go to the comedy show tonight, and she had to cancel because she got some really sad news. She and Brent's cat has a brain tumor. He's an old cat, but Brent has had him for like 10 years, so they're both pretty upset. Totally understandable. I'm sad too, and he's not even my cat. But it still sucks because I feel like I haven't seen Sophie in so long, and we finally had some solid plans, but of course they fell through. So here I am on my only night off with nothing to do but watch movies and feel sorry for myself. Blaaaaahhhhh...
She was calling to "forewarn" me that she might not be in town when I'm Houston in a couple weeks for Jenna's wedding. Because she just has to go see her boyfriend play baseball in whatever God-forsaken town his minor league team plays in. It's not like she doesn't go see him almost every fucking weekend! I'm just so pissed. I mean, every time I tell her to come visit me, she's always saying she can't because she has to use her vacation time to go see Tony, because her entire life suddenly revolves around him. Plus she missed my birthday last year for this exact same reason, and she's been telling me constantly how much she misses me, and she's known for MONTHS that I'm going to be in town in April, and now she's probably not even gonna be there. If she goes, I'm gonna be really pissed. Like...monumentally pissed. I don't even like Tony. He's so...desperate for attention, and immature and dramatic. And aggressive. He's always getting drunk and trying to start fights. Ugh... Bethany's just wasting her time and money flying to see him all the time.
On top of that, Sophie and I had plans to have dinner and go to the comedy show tonight, and she had to cancel because she got some really sad news. She and Brent's cat has a brain tumor. He's an old cat, but Brent has had him for like 10 years, so they're both pretty upset. Totally understandable. I'm sad too, and he's not even my cat. But it still sucks because I feel like I haven't seen Sophie in so long, and we finally had some solid plans, but of course they fell through. So here I am on my only night off with nothing to do but watch movies and feel sorry for myself. Blaaaaahhhhh...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)