UGH.

I literally spent most of today trying NOT to think about what happened with Bill last night, and then visibly cringing every time I did. Ugh... I mean that was like the most disappointing and awkward sexual experience of my entire life. I'm sure some day I'll be able to look back on it and laugh, but now I just keep thinking about how I was there, in that moment, thinking about how I didn't want to have sex with him! And I still don't know why I did! I just remember thinking that I had to, because I mentioned sex in a text message to him, and I didn't wanna come off as a tease. So I felt like, "I'm here and I have to go through with it." Ugh...I definitely was too drunk to have been making those kinds of decisions.  o need to lecture me either. Trust me, I've been punishing myself all day.
Lessons learned?

1) I DO NOT have to have sex with anyone if I don't want to! No matter what I said!
2) If I'm not really into him, don't sleep with him! It's not going to improve the situation!
3) Don't have sex with anyone new after a day of drinking

So there ya have it folks. Let's all try and learn something from my horrible experience.

2 Pump Chump

I got stuff to write about but I'm really tired, so I'm just gonna write about the important stuff for now...
Had Sunday Funday with Abbie and another girl from work, Kris, and my roommate (the cool one, not Dane).
Ended up at Bill's house afterwards. We finally hooked up. For like...5 seconds. I mean that. Literally. He put it in for 5 seconds, I didn't really feel ANYTHING cuz his penis is small, and then he GOT UP off the bed, and went rifling through his closet. He said he needed to find his condoms and put them back in his night stand, because he moved them all when his family came to visit. All I could think about was Brazil and how great the sex was with him, and how I really wasn't ready to be having sex with Bill, but it was too late to turn back. Plus, I'm not even really sure if I should count that. I mean it was like the dictionary definition of a 2-pump chump. WTF?! I did NOT know those really existed. And then of course he was really...irritable afterwards cuz he was embarrassed. And at first, I was just really confused, like, "did the condom break? is something the matter? what's going on? why is he leaving????" cuz it had been like 30 seconds!! And then I thought, "Well surely he must be coming back so we can finish" but when he came back, he was wearing his shorts? WT?F!!
WOW.
I definitely won't be talking to Bill again. ((Sigh)) I hate to say it but...I miss Brazil. For the first time since our last conversation.

A Second First Date

So I just got back from a date with Bill. We went out for sushi, and he showed up with a bottle of wine, which we finished, of course. We had a lot of fun! I spent most of the night laughing, which is exactly what I needed today. After dinner, we went back to his place, against my better judgement, but, nothing happened! We just made out, and even that was pretty tame. We watched an episode of Man Men and talked, and goofed off. He said he wants to see me again, like soon.
I'm still curious why I never really heard from him after our actual first date though. And I wanna ask him but...I'm not sure if I should? It's just that we were talking about that movie, 500 Days of Summer, and he was saying how he hates girls like summer, who like you one day and then just disappear the next day, and I was thinking, "Well...isn't that exactly what you did to me last September??" But I didn't say what I was thinking, because maybe he thinks I'm the one that did that to him! I just don't know. What I do know is, he's very...affectionate, and I'm not really like that right off the bat, so it's a little awkward and I feel like I really need to spend more time with him getting to know him, and getting comfortable with him, etc. Of course this all depends on if I actually hear from him again this time! So we'll see...

Anyway, Sophie and I went to the lake this morning to fish for my camera. We put on swim suits and everything. And Sophie actually went in! I couldn't believe it. I tried to go in, but the water was painfully cold! I'm talking like...20 degrees or something ridiculous like that. But we could see the leg of my tripod in the water, right where it had fallen, and it was so close, yet just out of reach. So Sophie walked down the pier and asked some guys who were fishing if they could possibly fish it out. So this guy came down with a net and he was able to grab it, which is awesome. I was able to salvage the photos I took yesterday, but I'm still way behind on my project and now I have no camera to shoot with. ((Sigh)) But Sophie started this website where people can donate money for my new camera fund! She's so awesome. I already have $410 raised! Isn't that amazing?? If any of you readers want to donate, let me know, and I'll send you the link!! So things are already looking up compared to yesterday. Both of my parents promised to help me pay for a new camera, and when I finally talked to my mom, she made me feel loads better, only the way moms can do. Well I'm gonna finally go to bed now. I had to get up after only like 4 and a half hour of sleep last night to go to the lake with Sophie and I'm exhausted. Night!

Movin' On Up!

Ok, so I don't really have any justification for why I talked to Brazil last week. I wasn't trying or hoping to achieve anything really, I just...wanted to talk to him! But his whole "woe is me" tact actually really turned me off, and I think that actually I may have inadvertently given myself some kind of closure. I haven't spoken to him since then, or even thought about speaking to him. In fact, I haven't been thinking about him nearly as much at all. So maybe it was stupid of me to talk to him, but in the end, I think it actually did me some good.

I've been staying busy lately, as always during the school year, and this week is going to be packed. Tomorrow night, I'm getting a tattoo. My first tattoo! I'm really nervous, but also really excited! I'm not going to tell you guys what it is, just that it's script. Two words. You can try to guess though, that might be interesting, haha. Sophie and Katie are coming too, and Katie is getting a tattoo as well! Sophie isn't though, she's just coming for moral support, and you know, in case I pass out. Lol. I have a track record with needles...
So me and Katie were we were having lunch, talking about our tattoos, and planning out when we're gonna meet tomorrow etc, and we got on the subject of roommates. She currently doesn't have one, but she was saying she needs one for next year, and I was like, "Dude...*I* need a roommate for next year!"
So we're totally gonna be roomies! I'm so excited! For one thing, it'll be nice to be able to decorate our place with our own style. Dane has this place decorated so...boring and boyish. And since it's not my home, I would feel weird hanging any of my stuff anywhere besides my bedroom. Also the bathroom. Living with guys has been great overall, but I'm really looking forward to not having to share a bathroom with a dude!! UGh... And you all know how I feel about Dane's girlfriend...
So Katie and I are gonna get a place probably sometime in August, which is perfect! I'm so excited, and so relived because I knew I was going to have to move out soon, but I had no idea who I would live with, or how I'd be able to afford living alone. Plus, Katie and I get along great, we're both photo students, and we have similar lifestyles, etc... It's gonna be great!

Bill and I were supposed to hang out this Sunday, but I was bogged down with homework, so I asked him for a raincheck, and he said sure. We've been texting every day and all that, but this time I think I have all the cards. For one I'm not nearly as invested as I was last time he and I went out, or whatever. Also, I'm very skeptical of him now, and after what happened with Brazil, I know I can never be too cautious. And thirdly, although I initially texted Bill with intention of using him as a  sort of rebound, I think I am starting to get over Brazil, and I've gotten some closure, so I think I'm in the perfect place mentally for dating. I don't feel so...desperate (for lack of a better word) to find someone (read: boyfriend) and I'm not in a hurry to jump into anything like I may have been with Brazil. And I'm gonna make Bill work for it. If he's not that into me, then fine, I'll just stop talking to him. But this time around, I'm definitely gonna make him pursue me. No hanging out at his place, watching TV. That never seems to lead to anything good...
So I'm doing alright you guys. I'm movin' on up.

Just Another Let Down

After what I thought was a great date, I haven't heard from Bill since Tuesday. And I was the one that texted him. ((Sigh))
Over it.

First Date

So I got up, rather reluctantly, on Sunday around noon. As much as I was looking forward to hanging out with Bill, I definitely could have slept for another 2 hours. I hopped in the shower and started getting ready. Around 2 o'clock, Bill texted me that he found a good spot to watch the game. I was in the middle of putting on eyeliner, so I didn't respond right away. A few minutes went by and he texted me again before I'd gotten the chance to write him back.

"You still down to watch the game today?"

"Yep! That sounds good." I wrote quickly.

I ended up being a couple of minutes late, so he was already sitting down with a bucket of Miller Lites when I got to the bar. The Bears game was on the big screen to my left.

"Hey!" I said as I pulled out the chair across from him.

I apologized to him for being late (doggie issues) and he handed me a beer. We didn't really pay very close attention to the game, because we were talking so much. He asked me a lot of questions about school, and I asked him about his job. He's an account executive at an advertising agency, just like Mad Men!! Lol.
At one point, he mentioned he liked to play golf and I just about spit out my drink.

"I hate golf!" I said.

"How come?" He asked.

"Uh...well I guess I should say I just hate thinking about golf."

Bill gave me a puzzled look.

"I used to have a friend who played golf and wanted to be the next Tiger Woods. It was all he ever talked about." I quickly took a swig from my beer.

"Does this friend happen to be an ex?" He asked.

"Uh...yea." I admitted. I didn't really want to get on the subject of Brandon, but he asked.

"So how long ago was that?"

"Oh, a long time ago. Like 2 years, maybe a little more." The words actually surprised me when they came out of my mouth, because they were true. I still can't believe it's been that long.

"So how long were you guys together?"

"I dunno, like a year?"

"That's a long time."

"It is?"

"Well, yea..."

I smiled. Guys always think a year is the equivalent of purgatory or something. When really, it goes by pretty fast.

"I don't think it's that long," I said, "I mean really the length of a relationship depends on how much time you actually spend with a person."

Then we got on the subject of long distance relationships, and how they tend to drag things out that otherwise wouldn't have lasted a month. Then we ordered shots. Just one each, but I needed a pick-me-up cuz the food was making me sleepy. Our conversation shifted to much lighter things for a while, until the 3rd quarter of the game, when the Bears were still losing and Bill started cringing every time he looked at the TV. There was a rather large group of really loud, boisterous dudes sitting near us too, and every time they yelled or cheered we both felt like we had to duck for cover.

"How do you feel about ice cream?" Bill asked randomly.

"Like...right now, or just in general?" I said, surprised.

"Right now. I want some ice cream. Let's get outta here."

I laughed, "Isn't it a little cold for ice cream?"

"It's never too cold for ice cream!" He said.

"Ok, well there's a Baskin Robbins a couple blocks away."

"Yes!" He said, "Let's go."

So we paid our tab and headed out. We walked companionably and close, and talked easily the whole way there. He bought our ice cream cones and then we started to walk back in the direction where we'd come from.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"I don't know." said Bill.

"Well I really need to get dog food. Do you wanna go to Target?" I asked.

"Sure." He said.

So we walked to the nearest CTA stop and hopped on the train. He said next to me, and we whispered and giggled about the couple across from us who were arguing. We postulated about what they could be possibly fighting about. He put his arm around me.

Our trip to Target was probably the shortest I've ever had to that store! Lol. And Bill carried my 25lb bag of dog food for me, all the way up the stairs to the redline stop.

"I can carry that you know, if you want me to." I offered.

"No, I got it." He said.

I smiled.

When we got up to the platform, we walked all the way down to the end, behind the stairs, where there weren't any people. We both set down our bags and Bill pulled me in for a kiss. I was a little self-conscious because there were still people that could see us, and I'm not really big on PDA, but I kissed him back, tentatively at first. Then I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. Lol. I don't think anyone was, so I kissed him again. Just a short kiss. He's so tall! I had to actually stand on my tip-toes to kiss him. Such an amazing feeling...

Then the train came and we sat together again. It's weird sitting next to someone on the train. I ride it every day alone, and I'm always reading a book, or absorbed in my own thoughts. So it's a totally different atmosphere with someone sitting right next to you.

Bill got off at my stop and carried my dog food all the way to my place. Both of my roommates were in the living room at the time, so that was kind of awkward cuz I couldn't even offer Bill a seat. So we took Jasper for a walk instead. We walked for a while, not really saying much, just companionable silence. I think we were both getting pretty tired. When we got back to my back gate, Bill stopped.

"I think it's time for me to head home."

"Ok." I said.

He kissed me again and then whispered, "When can we hang out again?"
"I don't know!" I whispered back, cuz it was true!
He kissed me one last time and then pulled away. I watched as he walked down the alley toward the sidewalk before going through the back gate.

Making Plans

So last weekend the date with Bill didn't work out. Not because I decided not to go, but because the particular show he was going to was sold out! So we had to scrap our plans. Then Monday, we texted back and forth for most of the day while I was at school, and made tentative plans to do something when I got out of class around 9. But we were working in the darkroom that day, and class went a little late, so it was almost 10 by the time I got home. Once again, we had to put it off another day. Tuesday I had 3 photoshoots, one with Brent, one with Sophie, and one with a girl from work named Dana. And they all went really well! I'm in the process of developing my film now. And Thursday, finally Bill and I got to talking again. He asked me if I wanted to go to the improv show with him tomorrow (Friday). I had to turn him down though, because of work, but I told him he should stop by my bar after the show. And he said he would.
So then Friday rolls around, and I made sure my hair was done, and I looked really sexy for work that night. And it was packed, which is great cuz I made really good money that night. But Bill texted me that he had some friends coming into the city from the burbs and he had to take them to a birthday party, so he wasn't going to make it in to the bar. ((Sigh)) I was pretty disappointed, but too busy to really worry about it at the time. Around 1am when it finally started to slow down to a point where I could breathe, I checked my phone and saw that I had a message from Bill. It just said, "Hi". Lol.

Me: Hi

Bill: What r u wearing

Me: black

Bill: I like u

Me: Come here


The end. Lol. I got busy again, and Bill was obviously drunk so I didn't hear from him again on Friday night. But he texted me at 9am Saturday morning!

Bill: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Working again. blah.... you should stop by! Lol.

Bill: I should!

Me: I'm off tomorrow, let's do something.

Bill: Oh hellz yea girl! We should go see contagion.

Bill: Ugh I am so hung over today

Me: So I take it you had a good time last night? Lol.

Bill: Yeah I was a wild man last night

Bill: What time are you available tomorrow?

Me: Ummm whenever I wake up. Haha.

Bill: How late do you work tonight?

Me: Bar closes at 3 so...4ish?

Bill: What are you in the mood for tomorrow? Tell me what you see in your crystal ball.

Me: Hahaha I dunno really, something relaxing that involves a little bit of outdoors and alcohol?

Bill: And a lot of Bill!!

Me: Lol. Well that is yet to be determined!

Bill: We should watch the bears game

So our plans were tentatively made once again, but at least more concrete this time! So I went to work in a good mood, knowing that I actually really had a date at 3 o'clock the next afternoon. And I can't remember the last time that I could actually say, "I have a date tomorrow". A real date!

It was really busy last night again, and Will and Lane came in! Kinda random, and really weird to see Lane. So glad I'm over that. He was apparently really hungover cuz he was only drinking water all night, and he seemed kind of...in a bad mood or something. I dunno, but he was being a total buzzkill. And all I could think about when I looked at him was how I really dodged a bullet with him, and I'm so glad I never slept with him, and my impending date with Bill! :D

I'll update you guys on the date in my next post. It won't be long, I promise!

Being Assertive

So this morning, for some odd reason, I started reading through all me and Lane's old text messages. And I just kept wondering, What happened? And that got me thinking about Bill, and how I don't want to play games. Shit or get off the pot! That's my new motto. So I decided I'm just going to be up front with him, and I sent him a text.

Me: So what's the deal with you?

Bill: What do you mean?

Me: You know like...what's the deal?

Bill: No, I don't know. What are you talking about?

Me: Lol relax! I feel like I've offended you in some way.

Bill: Haha no

Me: Well do you wanna hang out or what?

Bill: Ha I do!

Bill: I'm with my parents right now though

Me: Lol well I didn't mean right now!

Bill: You're being so assertive. I'm totally turned on!

Me: Lmao. I guess I'm just a no nonsense kind of person.

Bill: I love that. I'm all nonsense so we will really balance each other out.

Me: Lol that's good to know.

Bill: What are you up to today?

Me: I'm about to head up to school to do some work in the dark room for a little while. Then who knows?

Bill: I'm going to be at the improv tonight you should come hang!

Me: What's going on at the improv tonight?

Bill: Funny people on stage. 10pm.

Now I'm undecided about going because I don't want this to be another awkward Lane situation. For one, I don't know who else is going to be there, and two, I don't really want our first date, or whatever it is, to be with a bunch of people we both know. Hello? Awkward! So now I don't know how to respond. Should I just ask who else is going? Or would that sound like I'm weighing my options too much? Ugh... There I go over analyzing again.
I have to say though, I'm really surprised at how well my up-front approach worked. I mean, I got the answers I wanted. Now I just need to follow through.

Fall

Sophie and I had a fabulous day together! The weather is finally starting to look and feel like fall, and it's just so invigorating! We had lunch together, and ran some errands and finished the night off by watching TV. It was really great to just relax and hang out with my sis.
I found I've been thinking more and more about JC coming to visit this weekend and less and less about Bill coming home. That could partly be because I haven't heard from Bill since he left, but that's to be expected, right? I'm just gonna have to wait and see what happens with that. But I'm over stressing about it, so that's good.
Other than that, there's not much going on. I worked most of the weekend, and tomorrow I have my first art history class of the semester. Even though I know I'm gonna be crazy busy all semester with work and class, I am really glad school is back in session now.

Jasper has a cute little butt.

Possibilities...

Well I made it through my first day of school unscathed. Although I'm totally stressing now about how I'm going to pay for all the supplies I need, and how I'm possibly going to be able to do all this and work 30 hours a week. Cuz yea, that's about how much I work. Ugh...
Now I wanna clear things up with the Bill situation. It takes a lot for me to admit to myself that I like someone. Because it's like...once I do that, it becomes a real emotion that I have to deal with. So the longer I'm undecided, the longer I have to figure out how it might pan out. I will admit that I am definitely interested in Bill! I mean, that's obvious, or I never would have flirted with him. I just don't know him that well yet. He obviously looks good on paper, and he's tall, and has a lot of things going for him, I just...need to get to know him better is all. And we finally did talk Tuesday night. Er...texted. He's going out of town Friday for 8 days (go figure). That's like...early relationship suicide in most cases, but we'll see. He said he had a lot of fun with me Saturday night and he'd like to hang out with me again. Then he asked me what my work schedule was this weekend, and when I said I just had Saturday night off, he told me about his vacation. He's going somewhere with his family. Apparently he does a lot of things with his family, so that's good, right?
In other news, I got an interesting text this morning from an old friend, JC. He hasn't popped up in the blog much, because usually when I see hm, it's with a group of people. Not that I see him much anymore, since I moved, but I did hang out with him when I was in Houston a couple weeks ago! Dahmer and I went to his place for preparty drinks. But anyway, JC is the one who introduced me to Tommy Bahama. Remember him? Lol.
So JC is coming to town next week, and he wants to crash on my couch. I told him of course, even though I'm going to be working the whole weekend. It's too late for me to get my shifts covered, and even if I could, I can't really afford to take off. But he said he has other friends that live here, he just doesn't really keep in touch with them, and he'd feel weird asking them to crash at their place, and he's more comfortable staying with me. So of course I said he was welcome to the couch. And he said he'd get me a ticket to the Bears game on Sunday if he can score a pair! So that will be fun! So now that I'm thinking about all this, I feel like this might be the perfect opportunity for me to get some no nonsense booty. Lol. It's been a loooonnng time you guys! And JC and I are friends! I know him. And I wouldn't have to worry about anything, or stress about him calling or not calling cuz it would just be a weekend fling! That's it! No strings attached!
The funny thing is, JC and I have never even kissed! Not that there isn't sexual chemistry, cuz there is! We just never acted on it. I dunno why. JC is a little too...wild for me. But he's fun, and sweet, and a really good friend! I met him through Taryn years ago. So I'm going to consult her about it, and see what she thinks. I mean, obviously I'm not going to throw myself at him or anything, but if we were to both find ourselves in a situation where...you know.... I mean we're both consenting adults.... This is totally a possibility in my mind right now. A possibility I might even be looking forward to.

STIR CRAZY!

THAT'S WHAT I AM!!
For one, I'm bored. I'm broke. And I'm dieting. So that pretty much eliminates EVERYTHING I can do that's fun.

And second??
SECOND???????


BILL STILL HASN'T CALLED. WTF????

He said he wanted to get together, that he wanted to take me out on a date. Like a real date! Not like, "hey let's sit at your place and drink beer cuz I don't have a job or any money huh huh."
Ugggghhhhhh.....

I need to get out of my own head BAD. I can't wait for Wednesday!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF??

All day I've had this weird feeling like...like last night didn't really happen. Like I must've just dreamed it or something. I mean, there I was in a public place kissing some guy I hardly know! And now I just feel...weird about it. I dunno. There must be something wrong with me. I just can't decide how I feel about Bill!
And you know what else? I didn't hear from him all day, and it bothers me. It bothers me! WHY?? I can't even decide if I like the dude or not, but I'm irritated that he didn't at least text me all damn day. ((Sigh)) GOD I am fucked up. Thank goodness school is starting on Wednesday. I'll be too busy with class to think or worry about anything else. I hope.

Bill

Well the sushi party turned out to be lots of fun. There were a lot of people I didn't know, Rose's friends, but we all got along great! We took tons of saki bombs and ate sushi till our stomachs were all full. It was so much fun seeing everybody from class. Except Bill wasn't there. A couple other people noticed too and were asking around to find out where he was, so I offered to text him. This guy Jonathan gave me his number, cuz I didn't have it. When I texted him, Bill said he had a family thing to go to, and he'd meet up with us after. And he did! We all went to this bar a few blocks down from the restaurant. It was great cuz it was a laid back pub downstairs, but more like a club with loud music and a huge dance floor upstairs. We all hung out downstairs for a while, and I definitely started putting my plan into action. Plan Bill, that is. Bill and I were sitting at the bar talking when Lane walked up. He didn't really have anything to say, so I guess he just...wanted to see what we were talking about. I dunno. He left after a few minutes. I even found out that Rose has been spending some time with this other guy that was with our party. Not Lane. So that made me feel tons better. I dunno why... Eventually everybody decided to head upstairs, so Bill and I followed. Rose, some of her friends, and Lane were already on the dance floor, so we joined them. I tried to just sort of dance in the circle, not really with anyone in particular, but Bill danced with me anyways. After a while, I started to get really hot, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I told Rose I was going to sit down and cool off for a while. After I went to the bathroom I found an empty table in front of a vent and sat down. It felt amazing. I could see Bill's tall head poking out where our group was dancing. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, wondering if he'd see me. Eventually he did. He must've been looking for me. He came and sat down. We talked for a long time. I watched Rose and everybody dancing still. Then he kissed me. I can't say it was unexpected. It was bound to happen eventually. Why else would he come over here and sit with me instead of hanging out and partying with everybody else? I had to kiss him back. It wasn't that I didn't want to kiss him. It just wasn't like I was dying to either. ((Sigh))
Before I realized it, everyone else from our group was gone! They thought we had left, since we'd been gone so long. So then it was just me and Bill. He tried so hard to get me to go back to his place and smoke a bowl with him. He lives just a couple blocks from the bar we were at. But I told him I had to work tomorrow, and I have a dog and I need to get home. He countered that he wasn't inviting me to spend the night. I responded that if I smoked with him, there would be a real good chance of me passing out, and I definitely didn't want that to happen. There was no way I was going home with him. It's not that he's sleazy, or that he was just trying to get me to sleep with him. Not at all. He just didn't want me to go home! He was so sweet actually... Telling me I looked beautiful, and that he always wanted to ask me for my number in class... I asked him why he never did. Maybe if he had, all that nonsense with Lane would have never happened. ((Sigh)) He said I was a good kisser, and he wants to take me out sometime.
Now I don't know what to do. I'm at home, sitting in my bed thinking, I'd be stupid not to give him a chance. For one thing, he's taller than me, even in heels! Which is rare. For another, he's smart, attractive, funny, and has a good job. But on the other hand, I feel like it might be cruel to go out with him. I mean, I could maybe talk myself into really liking him, but this all started out as just a...game. I hate to say it. But it was just a way for me to feel like I had other options, and a way for me to show Lane that I had other options. But that was stupid. Now I know that. It would have been so much better if I just showed Lane I'm perfectly happy without him and leave it at that. Now I've gone and gotten somebody else involved and it looks like he might really like me.
So what should I do??