7 Years

I can't stop thinking about Lane lately. Or Chris. Or Adam. Or John. Or Brandon. Or even that guy from Austin I hooked up with and later found out he had a girlfriend. ((Sigh))
I have all this...sadness about them all. Like, what is Lane was my soulmate and I'll never find out because we never really got a chance to properly be together?? I was so happy during that brief time we spent together, and during the year or so we just spent talking on the phone and facetiming and texting. And we were friends before anything else. I felt truly comfortable in my own skin with him, and he was funny, and smart, and sweet, and...why couldn't it work...somehow??
And why did Chris ghost me? Cuz that's what he did. He literally ghosted me. And I don't think that's ever happened to me before. At least not to a degree where I cared so much. And maybe Adam is gay, or maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't do it for him or something. I don't get it. He seemed all gung-ho about me at first and then.... I don't know!!
And the other guys I just...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I know it's pointless to agonize over these things because I will really never get a satisfactory answer. I just have to assume and guess and try not to think about it. My dad got engaged last weekend. Now both of my parents have successfully been divorced and secured new marriages in the time since I had my last relationship. What gives?! I kind of feel like I'm just going to have to start accepting the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life, and I'm trying to be ok with that, but I'm NOT.
I'm not the kind of person who wants to be alone. I'm not the kind of person who should be alone forever. I want companionship. I want to be kissed and feel tingly all over. I want meaningful sex. I want to be in love! And I need people. I need someone to be there for me and care about me and value my thoughts and opinions, and want to be with me.
I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too picky. Or I'm too "intense". Or I'm too fat, too intimidating, too weird, too independent, too honest, or too needy. Because if I am those things, then THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM!! Why should I change that?? I don't want to become someone else, I'm ME. I've spent YEARS cultivating this person that I've become, and why the fuck should I change that for anybody??
Don't get me wrong. I'm very nurturing in a relationship. My love giving languages are gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And really, I don't think I ask for much. I know initially I may come off cold, or like I don't need anyone, but I do. I just don't understand why I can't have this. This one thing I've been wanting and searching for and waiting for, and it's been 7 years and I'm still single. No one has chosen me.

Last Woman Standing

Well apparently Abbie's wife has been cheating on her since February with some woman she works with. Abbie's twin, Reagan, found out quite by accident. They all share a family phone plan, and Reagan was looking over the bill when she noticed that Helen's call log had been manually deleted, which was odd, as well as a strange number that was being texted a lot, late at night. So she mentioned it to Abbie, and Abbie confronted Helen, and she denied it at first, but "gradually" came clean, only admitting to a little bit at a time.
Abbie said she is heartbroken, and still loves Helen, and she thought they were still in their honeymoon phase, despite the fact that Helen has been callous and bitchy towards her recently. She cried on the phone, and said she feels like a failure and she doesn't want to tell anyone that Helen cheated. I think she's being way too accommodating. What a cunt! Ugh... I feel so bad for her. But she said her new job as a flight attendant has helped keep her distracted and busy. So that's good. Hopefully she'll meet some new people and being away from Helen will make it easier for her to move on.
So that's what's going on with that.

So for the past several months, Lauren has been kind of seeing this guy she met on Tinder who lives in Dallas. He's been here to visit a few times, and she's gone there, but she always spoke of him as if he was more of a friend than a romantic interest. Like, she thinks he's really funny and they have a good time together, but she wasn't that attracted to him physically. And then there was the fact that they basically never had sex. Apparently she tried to initiate it several times, and it just...didn't work. So that's definitely not a good sign. So based on all of that, I never really gave Dallas Guy much thought. But then she went there this past weekend and she told me on Sunday that he asked her to move in with him! IN DALLAS! Apparently the lack of sex was due to the fact that he "really really likes her" and was nervous, and after they talked about it, everything was fine in the bedroom. And she said she is actually thinking about it. If she leaves, I'll just DIE!! She is my ONLY remaining single friend! Not to mention, basically my only friend AT ALL here in NOLA. I mean, there's Bethany, but we just don't have much in common anymore and I don't feel as close to her as I did back in the day. Plus, she's completely consumed with work and wedding planning. Ugh.
If Lauren leaves, who will I go out with on the weekends? Who will be my trusty wingwoman? Who will go to last minute happy hour with me? Who will be my travel buddy on road trips to Houston??? MY SOCIAL LIFE IS GOING TO DIE A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH! Not to mention my sex/dating life, which I pretty much owe entirely to her. I never would have met any of the guys I met this year if I wasn't out with Lauren. ((Sigh))
I know Sophie is coming, which is good, but...it's not the same as having a girlfriend my own age to pal around with. And she doesn't really go out much, and we run in very different circles. We've always had our own friends. I've had terrible anxiety over this for the last couple days, because I don't want my life to go back to the way it was. When I was boring and always at home watching tv and eating. I could gain back all the weight I lost! UGHHHHHH....
Making new friends is hard.
Meeting men is hard.
I thought I had a handle on that situation, but now all of that could go down the toilet. ((Sigh))

I haven't heard from Kyle all week either. Not since he apologized for responding late to a text I sent him. He was at a haunted house with his brother and he said he doesn't like to be on his phone when he's doing things with other people, which I understand and respect. But now he's in Miami all week, and I told myself I wouldn't text him AT ALL. And I haven't. But he hasn't texted me either, which is not a good sign.

Nothing's Coming Up

So I ended up spending the night at Adam's on Friday. It was pretty last minute. I was out with Lauren, and he was apparently drinking at some work function and he asked me to come over. I almost said no, but then I thought about the fact that Chris just left town, so it could be a while before I get any action lol. So I went over there. We stopped at a bar and had one drink, then we went up to his penthouse and watched an episode of Jeopardy. Lol. Then we went upstairs. Things started out fine, but I was in a really giggly mood for some reason. He put on some movie with Justin Timberlake, uhhhh...Alpha Dog! And he kept talking about how good it was. I've never seen it. But we were fooling around, and the movie was so distracting, and being in the weird mood I was in, every time a guy who wasn't Justin Timberlake popped up on the screen, I said, "Is THAT Justin Timberlake?" and then he'd be like, "No, that's so-and-so." This went on for about 15 minutes lol. Then he started licking and breathing in my ear, which was really giving me the giggles because he was tickling me. Anyway, after a solid chunk of foreplay, I was ready to move things along, and he kept talking about how he couldn't wait to get it in, but then...he couldn't. He had a chubby, but not like a full hard on. So I went down on him for what was like...surely the world record for longest blowjob ever and still no improvements!! UGh... He was moaning and sighing as if he was enjoying it, and I was giving it all I had, but after a while it was just starting to feel like work, because clearly, it wasn't going to happen and could we please just go to sleep already. And I found that my mind kept drifting back to Chris, and how sexy he is, and his perfect lips and how great the sex is and how much fun I have with him. In fact, the whole experience with Adam felt sort of far away. Like I was just not really that into it, more just going through the motions. I mean I was into it, I'm just not really that invested in him anymore I guess. The sex never happened either. He said he had whiskey dick since he'd been drinking since 7pm. I said it was cool and suggested we revisit the idea in the morning, and he agreed. Well, morning came and he didn't. Still couldn't get it up. WTF? Now I'm starting to wonder if he's gay. I mean he's a great dresser, and he wears Jo Malone cologne, and he complimented me on my nail polish. But there was the drinking... I just don't know! I asked my gay cousin about it, and he said it was probably just the booze, but no morning wood? That could be a red flag. Granted, we only got about 3 hours of sleep, so maybe that's not enough time for morning wood? I dunno... I'm just so...kind of...uuuuggggghhhhh ((sigh)) about it all now. Loss of interest I guess. I need to get out more. It's time for me to meet someone new.

Superman Returns

Every time I write him off, he pops back into the picture! It's like he can sense these things. Ugh... Adam texted me at 7:30am yesterday! He said he was getting off work at noon, and asked if I wanted to go day drinking with him. Under normal circumstances, I totally would have gone. But my circumstances yesterday were anything but normal. For one thing, it was 7:30am and I was barely awake. So my responses were rather brief and unenthusiastic (which is good). Secondly, I woke up with a UTI Tuesday morning, and had a doctor's appt yesterday at 2:45, and then an afternoon/evening full of piano lessons. Not to mention, once I actually got out of bed, I ended up spending most of the morning in the bathroom because of my stupid UTI. Thankfully, that's under control now, thanks to antibiotics. This is the world's way of letting me know that I can't have it all. And by "it all" I just mean sex. ((Sigh)) So anyway, I turned Adam down, but he continued to text me, and then said he might be able to go out later, after my piano lessons, but of course, that didn't happen. I dunno what he did all day yesterday, but he said he didn't go out, because "no one wanted to go with him". Lol. Boo hoo. It just figures he wouldn't ask me to hang out once during his week off, and then on his first day back at work, a day which I just happened to be really miserable and busy, he suddenly wants my company. ((Eye roll)) What am I gonna do about him?? This is just NOT working for me. But I can't really seem to resist him either. Blargh.

I've Been Bad

So my friend Lauren who lives here recently found out that her dad has cancer. He started chemo a couple weeks ago, but on Thursday his doctors told them that his liver has completely shut down and they're stopping chemo, and he has 2-3 weeks left. She said she doesn't want sympathy or the "Are you ok?" treatment, she just wants to take her mind off it every once in a while. So Saturday night, we went out. I had to shoot a concert that night, but I met up with Lauren and her friends afterwards around 10:30. We hit a couple spots and then Lauren said she wanted to go Frenchman, so I loaded up all of us in my car and drove us down there. I'd only had 1 drink at this point, so still good to drive. Well as soon as I got us there and parked, Lauren said she needed to go home. She's the kind drinker where when she says, "I gotta go home", she really means it. Lol. If she doesn't go home, she'll either get sick or pass out somewhere. So she left with the guy she was with, and then it was just me and this other dude who I'd just met, and wasn't into. I mean, he was nice, but like... I wouldn't have wanted to go out on the town alone with him or anything. But I had just parked my car, and it was only midnight, so me and the dude decided to at least have 1 drink on Frenchman. So we walked into the closest bar. There was a live band playing and people dancing, and it was crowded. As we were making our way through the crowd, I noticed a group of like 4 or 5 guys, dancing, sans girls, on the dancefloor and just being goofy. And one of those guys was HOT. I made a mental note of this. He looks like a cross between The Model and Brandon Boyd from Incubus. ((Drool)) So I hit the ladies and the guy went to grab us drinks and then we chatted a bit. Then he said he needed to use the restroom, so I figured I would take that opportunity to see if the hot guy was still around. Well the dance floor was crowded enough that I was able to brush right by his friend, and he just happened to be wearing a pair of Luna Lovegood glasses. So I immediately asked him about the glasses, and boom! Conversation with hot guy was on. His name is Chris. We chatted about Harry Potter, music, and other silly things. And he kept saying he thought it was super cool that I was alone at the bar, even after I explained to him that I didn't actually show up alone. Of course, it turns out he doesn't live here. HE LIVES IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA. Ugh. But he's in tv production, and working on a show here until September. WORTH IT. Lol. So we had a few shots, and then things get a little fuzzy... I ended up going back to his hotel with him, and we had a pretty awesome time. It was after 6am by the time we went to sleep and he was supposed to be at work at 8:30 Sunday morning. Yea, that didn't happen lol. He says he set his alarm, but neither of us heard it and he shot out of bed at 9am in a panic. I was a bit hungover, but mostly just tired, and I had to work at noon. So after I left, he texted me! He said he wanted to see me again. So I worked, napped, showered, he did the same, and we met for dinner. Annnnd I spent another night with him.
Except this time things didn't go so smoothly...
My hungover self went through the drive through and ordered a fucking cheeseburger on my way home Sunday morning. I'm a pescatarian. I never eat meat. I felt ok though. Until after dinner. Then my stomach got the lurches and I was starting to worry. But it seemed to go away for a while, until we got back to his place. I had to take a shit. I just couldn't hold it! Lol. And he's staying at an extended stay hotel, not like a house, so the bathroom isn't as private and isolated as it could be! Luckily the exhaust fan turns on automatically with the lights, and Chris was playing music (Jeff Buckley - swoon!) so I figured I had a chance!
*DISCLAIMER* If you don't find toilet humor funny, you should stop reading now.
So I sit down on the toilet, and immediately I can tell that it's not going to be quiet. But I have this theory, that if you pull your ass cheeks apart, your farts will just escape silently, because there's no friction! It actually does work, if it's a dry fart, but that was not the case. It wasn't like a classic BBRRRRFFFT! fart noise that came out. It was abrupt and echoed in the toilet bowl, but still could be misconstrued as me knocking over the trash can, or perhaps opening the toilet lid. So I sat, frozen in mortification for a moment, hoping Chris didn't hear. But there was more. A couple more. Not as loud as the first, but still. UGhhhh, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I just NEEDED to get it out, I knew as soon as I did I would be 100%, but I didn't have the time or proper isolation to just take a shit! So I shat conservatively and then left the bathroom after what seemed not TOO long. I was just hoping against hope that he hadn't heard or noticed what had just happened.
And he actually seemed totally normal. But then things started getting a little hot and heavy, and I was so sure that I was going to let one rip mid coitus, that I couldn't relax or enjoy myself. ((Sigh)) I mean, we still had fun, but it was mostly strictly missionary position for me, or I risked literally shitting the bed lol.
So finally we "went to sleep". Not me. I laid there literally holding in my poop for hours. Waiting for it to either go away, or for Chris to fall asleep so I could go back to the bathroom. But then I realized it wasn't just poop anymore. My bladder was also quite full, and the pressure of a full bladder really wasn't helping my current situation! So I figured it was safe to get up and have a pee.
But again, once I was on the toilet, I knew what was coming. A big shit was coming, that's what. So I peed first and then waited till I knew it was going to all come out and I timed the flushing of the toilet with that moment so that he wouldn't hear it. I mean he was sleeping, but still. Success!! Or so I thought... I obviously still had to wipe and flush the toilet again. And when I did...nothing was going down! So there was just a big blob of poopy toilet paper floating in there! And no plunger. So I'm standing there whispering, "FUCK FUCK FUCK!" to myself as I frantically search around the tiny hotel bathroom for something...to what? I don't know! I waited till the water stopped and tried to flush again. Still nothing. FUCK! So I carefully and quietly took the lid off the tank and slowly lifted the lever to keep the water draining. That didn't work either, but fortunately, all the replacing of the water left what seemed to be clean toilet paper instead of shitty toilet paper. So I tried to carefully and quietly replace the tank lid. NOPE! LOUD FUCKING CLANKING PORCELAIN SOUND. UGHHHHH FML!!! Literally, "fuck it", is what I thought, and in the most clandestine moment of quick thinking I came up with a story. I hurried out of the bathroom, seemingly worried.
"Hey! Are you awake?" I whispered to him hoarsely. No answer, so I shook him a little, "Hey!"
"Hmmm...?" Either he was deeply asleep, or he's a really good actor, but he seemed totally out of it.
"Uhhh...earlier, did you happen to uh...feel anything inside me?"
"Huh? What you mean, like your birth control?"
"Yea, my ring. I can't find it."
"Well it was definitely there earlier."
"Well sometimes it can become...dislodged during sex. And usually I just check to make sure it's there afterward, but we fell asleep so I didn't. And I just spent like the better part of 13 minutes in the bathroom digging around in my vagina and I couldn't feel it. And then I think I may have put too much toilet paper in the toilet cuzzz it won't flush."
He still looked pretty out of it, but my worried act must've been convincing.
"Ok...well it was definitely there before. I felt it."
"Ok. Well...it could be in the bed. Or...possibly in the toilet."
"Do you need to look in the bed for it?"
"No, it's fine. I can look in the morning. Sorry about the toilet."
"Don't worry about it."
And we went to sleep. And this time, I actually slept. And I think he really did buy that story!!
So this morning, he got up to pee. I heard him flush the toilet, but I could tell it wasn't really flushing. When he came back from the bathroom, he said, "I guess I need to get maintenance up here. Did you ever find your ring?"
"Uhhhh no, but it's fine. I'll check later."
So we laid in bed talking for like 2 hours, and then finally he said he couldn't lay in bed anymore. I actually think he may have needed to take a shit because he called the maintenance person first thing. And I also really just wanted to sit on a toilet privately for a while. Lol. So he walked me to my car, which was sweet, and kissed me goodbye. A LOT. And he said, "Let's hang out again soon." And I, of course, acquiesced.
We texted some more after I got home and finally farted and shat and all that good stuff lol. UGH. I still can't believe that happened to me. Coulda been worse though I guess...
Well I do hope I see him again. I told him I have a whole list of restaurants he needs to try and he said we should start the tour on his next day off. So we'll see...

In other news, Adam. We've been having the same conversation all week. Are you home? No. Are you still sick? Yes. Have you been to the doctor? No. Why not?? I don't have time, but I'm seriously dying. Wah Wah WAhhhhh...
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. ((Sigh))
It's starting to get really old. My prediction for this weekend is he'll spend it in bed, being sick, instead of taking me out, because he refused to go to the doctor and get some fucking antibiotics. Which means, I'll hang out with Chris again, if that's an option. We'll see...

I honestly haven't had this much excitement or activity in my dating life in years. It must be the 20 lbs I lost. I really need to keep that weight off, so help me God!

Still talking, still haven't seen him. ((Sigh))

UpDATE

Well the date with Kevin tonight went well, all things considered. It was a little awkward initially because we were both so aware of the fact that we hardly know each other, and we're about to spend like 48 nonstop hours together. Oh, and cuz we were both sober lol. But he is pretty easy to talk to, and very sweet and gentlemanly. I will just be a bit relieved once we get passed this "I still don't know you stage".
That's what was so nice about Lane. I really do know him! And I didn't have to worry about it being awkward or uncomfortable when we were together. ((Sigh)) I still think about him a lot. I miss him. I miss our late night FaceTime's and our text conversations that went on for days. I miss just being able to ask him anything about anything and not feel weird about it. Now it's like the opposite of that. I feel like if I reach out to him, or try to put things back the way they were before he came here, it will make me seem desperate and lonely. I know I need to stop agonizing over this and move on, but I care about him a lot. And I can stop talking to him and try to put him out of my mind and go on trips with other guys but...he's still there, in the back of my mind, just waiting until I let my guard down to resurface. And the idea of being intimate with someone else so soon after him feels...wrong. It feels like I'm not ready. Which is true, I'm not. I don't want to rush into sex with the next person, whoever that may be.

Lovesick

I'm still waffling about what to do about Lane. So far, I haven't done anything really, but I already have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach like he's pulling away from me. He hasn't been as engaged via text as he usually is. He takes a while to respond, and doesn't really seem chatty. So I've just been playing it cool. I don't really have a point to this post, other than I can't stop thinking about him, and I don't know what else to do about it.