I've Been Bad

So my friend Lauren who lives here recently found out that her dad has cancer. He started chemo a couple weeks ago, but on Thursday his doctors told them that his liver has completely shut down and they're stopping chemo, and he has 2-3 weeks left. She said she doesn't want sympathy or the "Are you ok?" treatment, she just wants to take her mind off it every once in a while. So Saturday night, we went out. I had to shoot a concert that night, but I met up with Lauren and her friends afterwards around 10:30. We hit a couple spots and then Lauren said she wanted to go Frenchman, so I loaded up all of us in my car and drove us down there. I'd only had 1 drink at this point, so still good to drive. Well as soon as I got us there and parked, Lauren said she needed to go home. She's the kind drinker where when she says, "I gotta go home", she really means it. Lol. If she doesn't go home, she'll either get sick or pass out somewhere. So she left with the guy she was with, and then it was just me and this other dude who I'd just met, and wasn't into. I mean, he was nice, but like... I wouldn't have wanted to go out on the town alone with him or anything. But I had just parked my car, and it was only midnight, so me and the dude decided to at least have 1 drink on Frenchman. So we walked into the closest bar. There was a live band playing and people dancing, and it was crowded. As we were making our way through the crowd, I noticed a group of like 4 or 5 guys, dancing, sans girls, on the dancefloor and just being goofy. And one of those guys was HOT. I made a mental note of this. He looks like a cross between The Model and Brandon Boyd from Incubus. ((Drool)) So I hit the ladies and the guy went to grab us drinks and then we chatted a bit. Then he said he needed to use the restroom, so I figured I would take that opportunity to see if the hot guy was still around. Well the dance floor was crowded enough that I was able to brush right by his friend, and he just happened to be wearing a pair of Luna Lovegood glasses. So I immediately asked him about the glasses, and boom! Conversation with hot guy was on. His name is Chris. We chatted about Harry Potter, music, and other silly things. And he kept saying he thought it was super cool that I was alone at the bar, even after I explained to him that I didn't actually show up alone. Of course, it turns out he doesn't live here. HE LIVES IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA. Ugh. But he's in tv production, and working on a show here until September. WORTH IT. Lol. So we had a few shots, and then things get a little fuzzy... I ended up going back to his hotel with him, and we had a pretty awesome time. It was after 6am by the time we went to sleep and he was supposed to be at work at 8:30 Sunday morning. Yea, that didn't happen lol. He says he set his alarm, but neither of us heard it and he shot out of bed at 9am in a panic. I was a bit hungover, but mostly just tired, and I had to work at noon. So after I left, he texted me! He said he wanted to see me again. So I worked, napped, showered, he did the same, and we met for dinner. Annnnd I spent another night with him.
Except this time things didn't go so smoothly...
My hungover self went through the drive through and ordered a fucking cheeseburger on my way home Sunday morning. I'm a pescatarian. I never eat meat. I felt ok though. Until after dinner. Then my stomach got the lurches and I was starting to worry. But it seemed to go away for a while, until we got back to his place. I had to take a shit. I just couldn't hold it! Lol. And he's staying at an extended stay hotel, not like a house, so the bathroom isn't as private and isolated as it could be! Luckily the exhaust fan turns on automatically with the lights, and Chris was playing music (Jeff Buckley - swoon!) so I figured I had a chance!
*DISCLAIMER* If you don't find toilet humor funny, you should stop reading now.
So I sit down on the toilet, and immediately I can tell that it's not going to be quiet. But I have this theory, that if you pull your ass cheeks apart, your farts will just escape silently, because there's no friction! It actually does work, if it's a dry fart, but that was not the case. It wasn't like a classic BBRRRRFFFT! fart noise that came out. It was abrupt and echoed in the toilet bowl, but still could be misconstrued as me knocking over the trash can, or perhaps opening the toilet lid. So I sat, frozen in mortification for a moment, hoping Chris didn't hear. But there was more. A couple more. Not as loud as the first, but still. UGhhhh, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I just NEEDED to get it out, I knew as soon as I did I would be 100%, but I didn't have the time or proper isolation to just take a shit! So I shat conservatively and then left the bathroom after what seemed not TOO long. I was just hoping against hope that he hadn't heard or noticed what had just happened.
And he actually seemed totally normal. But then things started getting a little hot and heavy, and I was so sure that I was going to let one rip mid coitus, that I couldn't relax or enjoy myself. ((Sigh)) I mean, we still had fun, but it was mostly strictly missionary position for me, or I risked literally shitting the bed lol.
So finally we "went to sleep". Not me. I laid there literally holding in my poop for hours. Waiting for it to either go away, or for Chris to fall asleep so I could go back to the bathroom. But then I realized it wasn't just poop anymore. My bladder was also quite full, and the pressure of a full bladder really wasn't helping my current situation! So I figured it was safe to get up and have a pee.
But again, once I was on the toilet, I knew what was coming. A big shit was coming, that's what. So I peed first and then waited till I knew it was going to all come out and I timed the flushing of the toilet with that moment so that he wouldn't hear it. I mean he was sleeping, but still. Success!! Or so I thought... I obviously still had to wipe and flush the toilet again. And when I did...nothing was going down! So there was just a big blob of poopy toilet paper floating in there! And no plunger. So I'm standing there whispering, "FUCK FUCK FUCK!" to myself as I frantically search around the tiny hotel bathroom for something...to what? I don't know! I waited till the water stopped and tried to flush again. Still nothing. FUCK! So I carefully and quietly took the lid off the tank and slowly lifted the lever to keep the water draining. That didn't work either, but fortunately, all the replacing of the water left what seemed to be clean toilet paper instead of shitty toilet paper. So I tried to carefully and quietly replace the tank lid. NOPE! LOUD FUCKING CLANKING PORCELAIN SOUND. UGHHHHH FML!!! Literally, "fuck it", is what I thought, and in the most clandestine moment of quick thinking I came up with a story. I hurried out of the bathroom, seemingly worried.
"Hey! Are you awake?" I whispered to him hoarsely. No answer, so I shook him a little, "Hey!"
"Hmmm...?" Either he was deeply asleep, or he's a really good actor, but he seemed totally out of it.
"Uhhh...earlier, did you happen to uh...feel anything inside me?"
"Huh? What you mean, like your birth control?"
"Yea, my ring. I can't find it."
"Well it was definitely there earlier."
"Well sometimes it can become...dislodged during sex. And usually I just check to make sure it's there afterward, but we fell asleep so I didn't. And I just spent like the better part of 13 minutes in the bathroom digging around in my vagina and I couldn't feel it. And then I think I may have put too much toilet paper in the toilet cuzzz it won't flush."
He still looked pretty out of it, but my worried act must've been convincing.
"Ok...well it was definitely there before. I felt it."
"Ok. Well...it could be in the bed. Or...possibly in the toilet."
"Do you need to look in the bed for it?"
"No, it's fine. I can look in the morning. Sorry about the toilet."
"Don't worry about it."
And we went to sleep. And this time, I actually slept. And I think he really did buy that story!!
So this morning, he got up to pee. I heard him flush the toilet, but I could tell it wasn't really flushing. When he came back from the bathroom, he said, "I guess I need to get maintenance up here. Did you ever find your ring?"
"Uhhhh no, but it's fine. I'll check later."
So we laid in bed talking for like 2 hours, and then finally he said he couldn't lay in bed anymore. I actually think he may have needed to take a shit because he called the maintenance person first thing. And I also really just wanted to sit on a toilet privately for a while. Lol. So he walked me to my car, which was sweet, and kissed me goodbye. A LOT. And he said, "Let's hang out again soon." And I, of course, acquiesced.
We texted some more after I got home and finally farted and shat and all that good stuff lol. UGH. I still can't believe that happened to me. Coulda been worse though I guess...
Well I do hope I see him again. I told him I have a whole list of restaurants he needs to try and he said we should start the tour on his next day off. So we'll see...

In other news, Adam. We've been having the same conversation all week. Are you home? No. Are you still sick? Yes. Have you been to the doctor? No. Why not?? I don't have time, but I'm seriously dying. Wah Wah WAhhhhh...
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. ((Sigh))
It's starting to get really old. My prediction for this weekend is he'll spend it in bed, being sick, instead of taking me out, because he refused to go to the doctor and get some fucking antibiotics. Which means, I'll hang out with Chris again, if that's an option. We'll see...

I honestly haven't had this much excitement or activity in my dating life in years. It must be the 20 lbs I lost. I really need to keep that weight off, so help me God!

What Would You Do?

Yesterday morningish, my roommate told me she was going to meet a friend for lunch in the quarter. It's rare that she ever leaves the house, because she works from home and she is such a homebody she is rarely seen not in sweats or PJ's. But I was like, "Ok, have fun!" and then I left for work shortly afterwards.

Well later that afternoon, when I was on my way home from work, she texted me that she was on her way home from lunch, pretty buzzed, and bringing company. I didn't really think much of it, and went about my business. Well they came home a short time later, and I was in my room, editing photos and watching TV, so I didn't go out and introduce myself right away. Plus, they seemed a bit drunk, and I just wasn't in the mood. But eventually, I had to leave my bedroom, and they were both in the kitchen pouring wine. So Jenn says, "Hey, Peyton, this is my friend from high school, Steve. Steve, this is my roommate, Peyton." Steve looks like Kevin from The Office. Fat, bald, and stupid. Except instead of being sweet and harmless, he seemed really trashy.

Then Jenn tells me that they haven't seen each other in about 8 years, and have been catching up and drinking all day (which was obvious), and how she's never sure if she should tell people he was ahead of her in high school, or behind her, because he repeated 2 grades. ((eye roll))

Well I exchanged all the necessary pleasantries, got my glass of water, and retreated back to my bedroom. A couple hours later, they were still carousing and drinking and smoking in the backyard, which Jenn is pretty much always doing, so I wasn't paying them any mind. Then I started chatting with this guy on Tinder and we were talking about meeting out later, so I hopped in the shower and started getting ready. After I got dressed, I headed back into the bathroom to fix my hair, and I heard a loud crash from the back yard. Both of our bathrooms are in the very back of the house, with windows looking out onto the garage/porch/backyard area. It's pretty small. So I go to look out the window to see what had happened, and Jenn and Steve are butt ass naked, fucking on the patio furniture!! Jenn, I might add, has a boyfriend of 5 years, who stays here every other weekend, and is sooo nice and helpful, and is always fixing stuff for us around the house. He even installed a new alternator in my old car for me, FOR FREE! So here I am, witnessing her cheating on this awesome guy (who is way hotter than she is, btw), with this DISGUSTING fat man, and I was just so in shock I didn't know what to do! I just had to get out of there. So I finished getting ready as quickly as possible, without even having fully confirmed plans with Tinder guy, and I just left. I ended up going to a small hotel bar I like, by myself, because I hadn't heard from Tinder guy in a while. I texted Bethany, and Lauren, and my cousin, Noelle, but none of them could hang out. So it was just me! Alone at this bar. But I actually ended up making a new friend, which was cool. His name is Mason, and he was sitting next to me at the bar with some friends, but he just started talking to me, and we ended up talking till midnight when the bar closed. Then he invited me to join him and 2 of his friends at another bar. So I went with them, we had another round, talked some more, and then I dropped Mason off at his car and went home. The great thing about it is, I wasn't interested in him sexually (he's only 22), I wasn't looking for anything except some people to talk to! And that's exactly what I got. And it was fun. He also happens to work in the same industry as me, he's a videographer. So we had a lot to talk about. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night, and perhaps we'll hang out again sometime. Who knows! I got home around 2:30 am, and Jenn and that dude were in her room, sleeping. Ugh. I think he's still here now actually. She hasn't shown her face all day. They've just been holed up in her bedroom. I don't know what to do about this. There is no way I will actively keep that secret for her. I won't even be able to look her boyfriend in the eye! She has to tell him. That is just so fucked up. I mean, they're planning to move in together when her lease here is up! That's this year! And she just cheated on him big time with some trashy fat guy! I don't get it AT ALL. Wtf is wrong with people?? What do I do?? I want to tell him, but obviously I can't, because I live with Jenn and that would make things really awkward between us, and of course, it's none of my business. I don't wanna be in the middle of their drama. But I won't lie for her. I won't.

What would you do?