A Green Thumb: The Trick to Having a Successful Relationship

I've always been horrible with plants. I can't tell you how many times I've brought home a potted plant, or an orchid or something, and tried my best to care for it. But I always seem to fail miserably. Initially it seems I tend to over water them. In my excitement, I give the plant too much attention, and it drowns in my affections. So then I leave it alone a bit, once I notice the leaves all start falling off. But after a while, it dries up completely, from neglect.

This is a perfect analogy for my relationships. I'm horrible with plants, I'm horrible with relationships. I just can't seem to find a balance! But when I look back, I'm always too this, or not enough of that. Too clingy, too flighty, too eager, or too aloof. What is the trick?

BJ and I have been having a steady text message conversation over the last 2 days. We also had about a 2 hour phone conversation yesterday evening, while he was driving from Austin to Houston. The great thing about it is, no matter what happens when he gets here, we're friends. So we can talk easily, and laugh, and have intellectual conversations and debates, or just talk about what we did that day. It's completely no pressure, no awkwardness, and it's divine. The problem is, if we end up dating again, the tendency is going to be to rush things because we already know each other, and hell, we've already slept together. Even though it's been almost 5 years, it's not as if we're getting to know each other for the first time. We already know we get along, we're attracted to one another, and we have chemistry. What we don't know, is if what we have has staying power, or if it's meant to be. Of course, no one really knows that going into things, but we also have our friendship to consider. Granted, our friendship over the last 5 years has been pretty minimalistic, so maybe it wouldn't make all that much of a difference if we ended up going our separate ways.
But for me, I know the transition from being single to being in a relationship, when that time comes, is not going to be easy. Which is why it has to be gradual, not sudden. I've been single now for so long, that I can't really remember what it's like being in a relationship, and judging from my past experiences, I've never been that good at it to begin with. Herein lies my problem. My lack of a Green Thumb.

Of course, all of this could be moot. He could get here next month and we find we really hate each other, or that the chemistry no longer sparks. I almost hope that that's the case. It's scary knowing I'm looking forward to someone texting me back, or calling. It's been so long since I've had that feeling, and it generally never leads to anything good.

What Do I Do??

You guys this is killing me. I'm a total mess. I've been crying and listening to Taylor Swift all day. When I left his place yesterday, which is the noise you hear at the end of the recording, he sent me a message, about 15 minutes later that said, "I don't know where all this is coming from, but i just want you to know i would not use you, and i was giving this a real shot. this sucks..."
I didn't respond at the time, because I was too upset. But I thought about everything, long and hard and around 3am, I wrote him back.

"Look, i heard that you went out with stephanie last weekend purely by coincidence. And i'm not going to tell you who, so don't bother asking. No one was trying to throw you under the bus. But you have NO IDEA how it felt to hear that... I seriously thought I could trust you, but I literally spent most of today second guessing everything you've ever said to me. Just when I was starting to get used to the idea of you being around, and really developing feelings for you and its like I really don't think you're being honest with me. What am I supposed to do [Brazil]?? I've been burned too many times. This fucking sucks for me a lot more than it sucks for you. That seriously hurt me. I just wish you have been honest with me about it. I've been very accommodating and understanding through all of this, but I'm tired of being your backup. I deserve better than that and you know it. Work your shit out with stephanie."

He never responded. How is possible for me to miss him so much already?? I know you guys all think he's a jerk, and I shouldn't let him explain himself, but I wanna talk to him so bad! He's on facebook chat right now and I'm just so tempted to reach out to him... But I don't know if it's a good idea. I'm just too emotional right now. ((Sigh))

Where To Draw The Line

Ok, I really feel like I'm starting to go crazy! Lane is in St. Louis for the weekend, and I haven't seen him since he left the morning after the 4th. ((Sigh))
All I keep thinking about is, "What's he thinking about? Is he thinking about me? I hope he's thinking about me."
I had a long conversation with my old friend, Nick, on the phone the other night about him. I'm just...still trying to figure him out I guess. I mean, I just want to know if he really likes me, and wants actually date me, or if this is just a matter of what's convenient. Nick says I should just flat out ask him what he wants out of this. I don't know if I can do that though. I still think it's too soon. But I just can't stop over analyzing and obsessing! Especially now that he's gone. The idea of going through this weekend without seeing him is such a drag!

But here's the kicker.
The big thing I purposely haven't told any of you...




He's only twenty-two!!!! ((Sigh)) I didn't know he was that young when I first decided I was into him! I thought he was at least twenty-five! He doesn't look or act young, although it does sort of explain his job situation, or lack thereof. It's just...I don't feel like a guy his age could possibly want the same things I do. And as much as I like him, I'm afraid that if I really get involved with him, I could be missing out on other guys, who are more...suitable?
I dunno... It's just that I had all these requirements...he has to have a good job, a good education, be taller than me, be older than me, not be a douche, not have any kids, not have tons of baggage...which, actually Lane meets all of those except the job and the age. ((Sigh)) So where do I draw the line?? Do I just say "Fuck it!" and go for it, or should I stop now before it's too late??? Should I even be worrying about this right now??? I mean, I'm having so much fun, and I finally feel like I really belong here. I don't wanna lose that. And I don't want things to get weird between Lane and I because if it doesn't work out between us, I'd like us to remain friends, if at all possible. But the thing is, I think I do want it to work out!
But I definitely said I'd never date a 22 year old that night we went to JJ's house. And he heard me say it. So what if he thinks he doesn't have a chance? What if he thinks I'm just out to have a good time, no strings attached? I'm not gonna lie, it may have started out that way, me just doing whatever I felt like doing, but now it's more than that. I just don't know if I can get past his age. I swore to myself after Rusty that I'd never date another guy that's younger than me. But he's nothing like Rusty!
He's sweet, and funny, and considerate, and kind, and I'm attracted to him, and we have amazing conversations, and I love kissing him, and I think about him all the time, and I miss him when he's gone... So what do I do??

I Told You So

Go ahead and say it.
I broke things off with Rusty tonight. I just couldn't handle it. Him treating me like shit, and using me, and just...not being that into me, I guess you could say. And while I may sound so candid and to the point about this in my writing, I've completely broken down, and I can barely see the computer screen through my tears.
When will I ever get this right??
When will I ever find someone who will just make me happy?
I'm not just upset about Rusty. I'm upset because I saw the good in him. The good that other people refused to see. The talent, the potential, the goodness in his heart. But it is still going to waste, and I'm still a failure, because no matter how much good I may see in people, that doesn't necessarily mean they're going to use that goodness on me. I'm still going to get stepped on, used, and shit on by these guys. And I'm always going to be the one with the broken heart.
I just can't take this right now. My mom is getting steadily worse. Every time I talk to her, she sounds more worried, more upset... She's been in a lot of pain, and there's nothing I can do. She even has my dad all upset. Apparently she keeps talking to him about his "future wife". She says she wants us all to "be prepared".
((sigh))
My life is getting steadily worse... I'm just... I wish I could just not care about anything.
Ever.

All The Missing Pieces...

So Tuesday night, I sent Daniel one last email, just to let him know I was gonna need my stuff back...again.
This is what it said:

((sigh))
Well, it seems we're back to this again. I left a few things over at your place. A purple bag in the bathroom, a couple movies, and my ghostland cd. So I guess, go ahead and bag it up. I'll have Alyssa pick it up or something.
Hope your week gets better.
-Peyton

I knew he wouldn't get it till at least the next day, when he got to work, but when I woke up the next morning, I already had my response.

"yeah cause im really sure thats what she wants to do. pick your shit up!"

WTF??? WHY did he have to give me such a rude response?? I didn't reply.
I was venting to Bethany on the phone about it, and she offered to get my stuff. She said I should tell Daniel that she would like nothing more than to go get my stuff, actually. Lol. Of course, I didn't tell him that. I didn't tell him anything at all.
Yesterday afternoon, I sent Whitney a text, asking him if he was gonna be home in the evening. He said yes, and I asked him if he would mind handing over my things to Bethany.
Then he called me.

"What stuff did you leave here?" He asked.
"Just some movies, and a CD and some stuff. Daniel should have it all packed up in a bag. I asked him 2 days ago."
"Well...I don't see a bag anywhere. I mean...a lot of shit's been moved around since the last time you've been here." I could hear him digging around.
"Oh. Well...Bethany should be coming over in the next couple of hours. Maybe you should just call Daniel and ask him where it is." I suggested.
"Ok, I guess I will then. Just let me know when she's on her way."
"Ok no problem."

As soon as I got off the phone with Whitney, Bethany called.
"Hey I'm almost there!" She said.
"Already?? Ok, well I gotta call Whitney and let him know."
"Alright, I'll just call you when I get there."

So I called Whitney back.

"Hey, I'm not seeing any of your stuff..." He said as soon as he picked up the phone.
"Seriously?? Cuz Bethany is already on her way over there - Oh shit! - Did you call Daniel?"
"Yea, why?"
"Cuz he's calling me right now!" I started to panic.
"Well answer it!" He urged.
"NO! I don't wanna talk to him!" I said, my voice rising an octave.
"Just talk to him." Whitney demanded.
"Fine." I huffed as I clicked over.

"Hello?"
"It's Daniel."
"I know."
"Ok, well Bethany is not picking up your stuff. If you want your stuff, you can come over and get it." His words spilled out as if he was hissing them.
"Um, well Bethany lives a lot closer to you than I do-"
"I don't care! You can set aside a time to come pick it up, or I can bring it to you, but I don't want some strange person going through my apartment looking for your stuff. I haven't even had a chance to get it all together yet." He snapped.
I was so taken aback by his reaction, I didn't know what to say.
"...okayyyyy..." I stammered.
((click))

He hung up on me! WTF?! I didn't even get a chance to tell him that Bethany was already there. I huffed and began dialing Whitney's number.

"He practically yelled at me, and then he hung up on me!" I complained when he answered.
"Hi Peyton!" Bethany called from the background.
I gave Whitney the gist of our conversation, and he agreed with me that Daniel was acting just a little psycho.
"Well, I'll just tell you where my stuff is, and you can hand it to Bethany." I compromised.
"Nah, just talk to her." He said and handed her the phone.

It took us all of 5 minutes for her to gather my things and leave, before she passed the phone back to Whitney. Then he sat there on the phone with me and went on and on about how if Daniel really was the one, I would know, and things wouldn't be so difficult, and I wouldn't have to try so hard, bla bla bla...
Finally when he said he never exactly saw Daniel giving me "googoo eyes" I had to interject.
"Ok, are you trying to make me feel better or worse??"
"Why? Am I making you feel worse? I wasn't trying-"
"I just don't wanna think about it." I interrupted.
"Yea, I understand..." He said, before going off on another tangent.
In the end, I had to feign another call to get off the phone with him. ((sigh)) It was awful.
And now I'm sure Daniel is pissed off at me, on top of everything else.

I just wanted to get my stuff sooner, rather than later, and not drag everything out, like last time. ((sigh))

I went and saw Sex & The City alone tonight after work. Daniel had been promising to take me. He actually wanted to see it. And let me tell ya, there is nothing more depressing than going to a movie alone. Especially that movie. Too much about couples, and breaking up and getting back together... I was trying not to think about Daniel.
Mission failed.

The Return of Vette Guy

On Friday night, as soon as I got to work, I got a text from Vette Guy asking what I was doing. I told him I was working, and that he should come visit, and he said he would! So I was really distracted at work, thinking he could walk in at any moment! I had my phone sitting behind the bar on the back counter, so I could briefly glance at it every once in a while to see if he'd texted me. Well, after about an hour, I looked back and my phone was gone!! My manager took it away because I wasn't supposed to have it behind the bar! Gay... So my night went downhill from there. And of course, Vette Guy never showed.
Finally, at the end of the night when we were counting tips, I got my phone back and I had 3 texts from him. The first one was asking if I could get him out of the long line, the second one said "I'm leaving" and the last one said something along the lines of, "I guess you had better options...hope you have a good night".
((sigh))
Well I immediately texted him back, and explained what happened. I wasn't really expecting a response though, cuz it was like 3:30 am. But on my drive home, he called me. He wanted me to go hang out with him in the hot tub, and he was obviously drunk. I told him not tonight, I was too tired, it was late, and I was already on the other side of town. Then he proceeded to get mad, because he "doesn't like being turned down"! Well tough titties, maybe he should get turned down once in a while!
So on Saturday, I called him around 4 in the afternoon to see if he even remembered talking to me. He admitted that he was indeed drunk the night before, and that he really wanted to see me. So I told him that Melissa and I, and some friends, were going out and he should meet up with us later. And he said definitely.
Well we went to my work, as usual, (as if I don't get enough of that place) and Frank was working. He gave us all a round of free drinks, and we hung out for a little while. Then we decided to check out the new bar around the corner, since I hadn't been there yet. At this point, I still had not heard from Vette Guy, so I was beginning to think he'd be another no-show. Well we headed next door, got in VIP since I bartend around the corner, and we got a free round of shots from Billy, who was working! In case you don't remember, Billy is the cutie I met on the bus to and from the employee outing last week. Then I got a text from Vette Guy asking where I was. So we had to rush back over to my work to meet him. And I have to say, he was lookin' fine in a baby blue and white striped button down, with the top 3 buttons undone! I gave him a hug, he told me I looked amazing, and we caught up for a little bit. Then we went our separate ways. Me and my friends headed back next door, and he went to meet up with his friends somewhere down the street. But he promised to call me later. I wasn't gonna hold my breath.
Well, later rolls around, the bars are closing, Melissa and her boyfriend (yes, boyfriend! She's crossed over to the dark side...) left together, and Vette Guy is actually calling me! He wanted me to come and meet him somewhere. I offered to pick him up, because he had ridden with his friends. So I went and got him and we began the drive to his place. This is where it gets interesting...
I don't know how we got on this topic, but we actually talked about our feelings! I was giving him a hard time about only hearing from him once a month before he goes MIA, and he said something like, "Whatever, it's not like you even notice or miss me!" I refuted him and told him I definitely notice! And I said, "Look, it's obvious that you're not looking for a girlfriend" but he interrupted me with "Actually...I am."
Me: Well then...why are you playing games with me? You obviously don't think that I'm girlfriend material. So why bother?
VG: No, it's just that you scare me. How can you, who I've only just met, break through my walls so easily? It's like I already feel too comfortable with you, and I'm not gonna let myself get hurt.
Me: ((jaw drops)) What?? You can't protect yourself forever you know. Everybody get's hurt. That's just life.
VG: Well I've been really screwed over, had my heart taken away from me and stomped on, and I'm not gonna let that happen again.
Me: ((sigh)) Well me too...but I guess I just wear my heart on my sleeve. Everytime you protect yourself, I'm the one who gets hurt.
VG: Nuh uh! You don't even care about me!
Me: What!? Of course I do! Look...the last relationship I was in, sucked too. And I do like you and I'm obviously attracted to you...
VG: Well I am obviously very attracted to you too!
Me: Well you really did hurt me when you gave me that whole excuse about us wanting different things. I'm tired of playing games. And that just sounded like BS to me.
VG: I just didn't think you seemed like you were that into me.
Me: Well you're wrong.

I don't remember the rest, and there was definitely more to that conversation, but I can't remember every minute detail. I think we changed the subject after that. Anyways, we'd been sitting in the car in his parking garage talking for a while now. I don't really know if we've come to some sort of agreement, or what. But before I left, he kissed me and said, "Gimme a shout tomorrow, babe."

Now it's the next day, and I'm thinking...what if that was just another one of his lines?? Or another excuse??? I don't know! I am pretty gullible. Although I found out he wasn't lying about going to London... So I don't know. Does he really like me?? Or was he just trying to get me to sleep with him?

Mitch Of The Day:
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."