Houston So Far

The last 2 days have been so great! I got into Houston Tuesday night, and Dad and I just hung around the house really. I was pretty tired from all the running around and packing I'd been doing. But on Wednesday, Dad woke up early and went out to get kolaches! One of my favorite and most missed food items that you can only get in the south. SOOOO good! Then we went to the zoo, cuz I've been dying to see their new chimpanzee exhibit. It was super hot of course, but we had a good time. After that, we had a late lunch and headed home.
Mom picked me up around 3:30 and we headed up to my aunt Suzanne's. I hung out with my cousins, and Lexi and I made a fresh blueberry cobbler. It was delicious! We went to bed pretty early that night cuz my mom had to go to work early in the morning. But just when I was starting to fall asleep, Gavin called. I wasn't that surprised to hear from him, being in Houston and all, but usually he just texts, and he didn't even seem interested in seeing me last time I was in town!
As it turned out, he didn't even know I was in Houston! It was just a total coincidence that he called. Then he scolded me for not telling him I was coming. Lol. To which I replied that he definitely gave me the good old brush off last time I was in town, and he said that was because he was afraid if he saw me, he'd cheat on his girlfriend. Hehe. Silly boy... But we chatted for a bit, he said some more dirty and inappropriate things, and I passed out with a guilty smile on my face.

Yesterday, bright and early, Mom and I headed back into the city. She dropped me off at Jenna's, so I could spend the day with her, but we both just went back to sleep for an hour. I went with Jenna to her doctor's appointment at 9:30. Apparently when you're 7 1/2 months pregnant you have to go to the doctor every other week. Ugh... But Jenna and I always have fun no matter what we're doing, so we just talked and goofed off the whole time. After that, we headed to the kolache factory for a quick breakfast (can't get enough kolaches!!) and then we got our nails done. I haven't had a manicure since before her wedding! When we got home, Justin took us out for an authentic Tex Mex dinner, which was really nice of him. Jenna confessed to me that she's worried about Justin not being fully on board for the baby. I guess he's pretty nervous. Hopefully when the baby is born, he'll be more excited, and less anxious. I really like Justin, but sometimes I just can't help but feel that he isn't good enough for Jenna. ((Sigh)) I hope I'm not right.

Anyway, after dinner, I met up with an old friend from high school, Prudence. We rarely see each other anymore, but when we do get to hang out, it's like no time has passed. We're a lot alike: super goofy, same sense of humor, and up for anything, anytime. We went to my old bar, and took wayyy too many (free!) shots. Lol. But I got to see Aaron and Tanya, Mr. P, and Brandon, of course. So over it. Thank god... But Prudence and I had a blast! And I crashed at her and her boyfriend's place last night. Today I am super hungover and wondering how I'm going to make it out again tonight with Dahmer. Lol. I'm staying with him and Taryn tonight. She's actually on her way to get me right now. Prudence and I went and saw Harry Potter again. Well, again for me, first time for her. And I got a free movie ticket! Long story...
But it's off to Taryn's now, and then to the ranch tomorrow morning. I can't wait! Stay tuned...

Good Riddance?

So today, I get to work and I go to check my schedule. Low and behold, I only have TWO shifts next week! And I obviously can't live on 2 shifts a week. So I immediately text Mr. S to find out why. He's usually pretty receptive to any questions we have about schedule, since he's the one who makes it. Well he responds and tells me to ask Mr. P. So I texted him as well. Here's our conversation...

Me: Hey, how come I only have 2 shifts next week? Am I in trouble or something? Just wondering...

Mr. P : You are leaving in 3 weeks. I have to distribute the shifts to employees who are staying.

Me: I don't think that's fair at all. Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I won't work as hard. And especially now; I could really use the money.

((No response for a while))

Me: I feel like I've really given a lot to you guys, and it just kinda seems like you're punishing me by taking away my shifts for that reason, which, I'm not gonna lie, and I know you don't really care, but that hurts my feelings.

Mr. P: I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't agree with that. And I also don't think that you are the hardest worker I have or the one with the best attitude.

Mr P: I think we have always been fair with you also. You will be gone in three weeks, and my other employees will not. Shifts are tight, [our Washington Bar] changed hours.

I didn't even bother to respond after that. I was just so upset. And I still am! I mean, he's treating me like I'm gone already! And I don't think it's right what he's doing. I mean, when I am actually gone, then he can give my shifts to the other employees, but as of right now, I am still an employee, and he has no right to take away my livelihood for that reason. And why did he have to throw that shit in about me not being the hardest worker with the best attitude? WTF was even the reason for that?? I never claimed to be perfect. And it's funny, because off the top of my head, I can name at least 3 people, with better schedules than me, who either A) slack off all the time, while I bartend circles around them, or B) complain and bitch constantly, or C) ALL OF THE ABOVE. And I don't do that shit. I come in ALWAYS on time, ALWAYS prepared, I work hard, and do my best, despite the fact that my ex is now my manager, among other things... I just do my job to the best of my ability! So why does he have to throw that in my face? To rub salt in the wound?? Oh, well here's your shitty schedule for next week. But you're leaving, and you suck anyway, so just deal with it.

!?!?!?

((Sigh))

So of course, after our conversation the last thing I felt like doing was working. I was so close to just walking out and never coming back. Except that I really, really need the money! I have to register for school next week, and I have NO IDEA how much that's going to cost. I'm already stressed out enough as it is. I could cry. I probably will. I'm thinking about talking about it with Mr. S, despite what Mr. P said. Maybe he would be more willing to work with me.

((Sigh))

I feel under-appreciated, brushed aside, already forgotten. I might as well not even be here anymore.

It Just Happens.

I had one of those awful dreams again. It was my maternal grandfather this time. Commonly known to me and the other grandkids as Poppa. Usually when I have dreams about friends or family members dying, I wake up and they always seem so...implausible. But this one was different. Poppa is old, and showing the early stages of Alzheimer's. I woke up crying, I don't know what time it was. It didn't even feel as if I'd been sleeping very long, because I fell asleep crying too. Friday was the anniversary of Oliver's death. I didn't realize it till I got home from work that day. I wasn't really paying attention to the date, But as soon as I realized it was the 8th...I knew. That got me thinking about how it happened, the mental image in my head of Brandon carrying my limp, lifeless puppy across the feeder road, where he laid him in a dense patch of trees. His eternal resting place. I just kept thinking that I would have never made it through that without Brandon. And that is one of the fondest memories I have of him.
And then I started thinking, what if something happened to Jasper? I just couldn't go on if I had to go through that again. Especially alone. My train of thought went on and on like this all weekend, but my biggest concern became, What would happen to Jasper, if something happened to me? And the only answer I was satisfied with was, Brandon will have to take him. Because I know Brandon loves him, and would take good care of him, and Jasper would be happy with him.
So Friday night I planned on talking to Brandon about it at work. But...things didn't really work out that way. His slore showed up at the bar, got hammered, and was still sitting there, with her head on her arms, after hours, waiting for him, while we were counting money. Why the fuck does she have to be at my bar!?? Why couldn't she just leave with her stupid friends?? I wanted to set her on fire. Ugh. It's bad enough that I have to work with Brandon, look at him and wonder how you can go from being best friends with someone, to not speaking to them at all. And then she shows up, encroaching on my territory. ((sigh))
I walked back into the office to change out some big bills and Brandon was back there, talking to Mark.
"Hey, your slutwhore's out there waiting for you." I said, before I could stop myself. All my emotions - sadness about what day it was, the fact that it had never even occured to Brandon what day it was, seeing that stupid whitetrash slutface cheapfuck harlot of a girlfriend of his - everything just bubbled up to the surface. Deep down, I was seething.
"She's not a slutwhore." He said.
"Um, YEA, she is." I said.
"Easy, sweety!" Greg said, but I could tell he really just wanted to laugh.
After that, I went about my business as if the heated exchange between Brandon and I had never happened. But I went home upset, and disappointed. I didn't get to ask him about Jasper, and I knew I still had to. But part of me wanted to just say "Forget it! Someone else will take Jasper." And maybe I'm being a little over-the-top about my dog, but he's like my child. And I really do just want what's best for him, even if that is Brandon.

The next night at work, Brandon wasn't there. When I walked in it was kind of like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, not having to see him. I asked Greg if he thought I should apologize to Brandon for what I said about The Slore.
He laughed and said firmly, "NO! No, you should not."
I felt instantly better.
But then, at 1am, Brandon showed up. He'd been working at the new bar (jealous! SO not fair that he gets to pick up shifts over there when he SUCKS!!!!), and he came strolling in all pompous-like with that stupid uniform on. They have to wear ties. Apparently someone called him over, because it was so busy.
Greg was like, "Dude take off that fucking tie, you look like a retard!"
Brandon blundered on about not having time or something, but we both knew he thought he looked cool. What a dumbass.
Then Brandon proceeded to piss me off for the rest of the night! When the bar closed, he disappeared somewhere while everyone else was cleaning. Then when he came back, he sat his ass down and started counting tips! It is an unspoken rule that no one counts tips until all the cleaning is done. It's only fair.
So I walked back and said in my calmest, most collected, nonchalant voice, "Hey Brandon, could you come up here and help us? We're not done up front."
"Well I already did everything back here!" He said, which was a lie, because he didn't even work the back bar. Aaron did, and Aaron did most of the cleaning, and he was up front helping us!
"Ok, well Aaron is up here helping us." I said.
"Well I'm just counting tips cuz [blablabla excuses]"
I was running out of patience.
"Ok fine. Just stay back there then, don't worry about it." I said, with an obvious inflection that it was not fine.
Looking back on the situation, it's almost amusing, the great lengths he goes to to avoid me, but still. That's fucking ridiculous. Do your fucking job and we won't have any problems. G's...
So Saturday night, I went home pissed off.

And Sunday was my day of reflection. I replayed the entire weekend, and that whole horrible day in my mind. January 8th, 2009. And I thought about the integral part that Brandon played, and how he'd been there when I got Jasper, and how much he loves him. ((Sigh))
That's it, I told myself, and I picked up the phone and dialed Brandon's number.
No answer. ((Sigh))
Text message: Hey, call me when you get a chance. I have to ask you something.
Then I finally got in bed. And cried. Cried about Oliver, cried about Brandon, cried about...just everything. I don't wanna die alone. Then I fell into a horrible dream about my grandpa dying, and I woke up again, sobbing. But Jasper was snuggled up against my back, and just his warm body was enough to calm me down. I fell back asleep pretty quickly and didn't dream again.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that I had a missed call from Brandon at 12:44am. I'm going to call him back when I get off work. I wonder what he'll say. Will he try to talk to me? Will it be super awkward? Or will it be easier to talk without the influence of work surrounding us? I don't know what to expect. But I'm not gonna try to talk to him about anything, just Jasper. I started making a living will today. It's pretty basic. I mean...most of my stuff, I don't care where it ends up, but there are sentimental things that I would like to see fall into the appropriate hands. I also included usernames and passwords for email accounts and stuff. Including this blog. So...if I ever die, hopefully you guys will find out about it. It won't be like I'll just stop posting one day out of the blue.
I'm going to send the living will to Sophie, when I finish it. Most of my stuff is going to her anyway. I'll be glad when I'm finished with it, because I feel like a black cloud has been looming over me. Thinking about death is not pleasant, but sometimes, it needs to be done. Nobody plans death, it just...happens.

First Night

Last night, work was great! It was so good to be back, and everything just felt...in it's place. It was like riding a bike. A little surreal at first, but things are as they should be.

The only problem?

Brandon.

((Sigh))

I mean, he was just acting so...strange and distant towards me. And when I asked him about it, he said I'm over analyzing things, and that he doesn't chat at work, he works. And he doesn't talk to anyone else any less, or any more than he talks to me. So, maybe I am just over analyzing things, because I'm hyper-aware of my situation, and us, and I don't want things to go back to the way they were, I want them to be better! So I told him that yea, I may be over analyzing, but with good reason. And he said there's nothing to worry about. So, I'm just gonna try to let it go, and not pay so much attention to him.

It just feels...like there's something he's not telling me. I dunno. But I'm determined to get to the bottom of it!

I work again today at 6, and he'll be there too, so we'll see. I'm hoping maybe he and I can get together tonight, and hang out. Then maybe we can talk with out the pressures of the work environment.

But everything else is good! We were busy, and we made decent money, and I had fun! I almost forgot what it feels like to look forward to going to work. I called Summer this morning and asked her if anyone said anything last night about me not showing up for my shift. She just said that the GM asked if I had told anyone that I wouldn't be coming in, and she told him no. Well! At least he actually had to work for his money for once! Because, since I wasn't there, he had to fill in. Haha!

Anyways, I guess I don't have much else to write about. My car is still on the fritz. And my parents should be home tonight, so hopefully my dad can put in the new alternator tomorrow afternoon.

Well...that's all for now!

Back To Normal...Almost

Well...I got my old job back! Mr. P. called me Monday morning, and I'm scheduled to work this weekend! It's such a relief...seriously. I also started training at the gym with Jayme. She's super fit, and she's a spokesmodel for some protein bar company. She just got her personal trainer's license, and she offered to train me for free! She said she wants to get some experience. Yesterday we did cardio and abs, and it totally kicked my ass! But in a good way! I felt really great afterwards.

Last night, Brandon came over and spent the night. Again, no funny business, although he did give me a little peck on the lips when he left this morning. And it definitely caught me off guard. I talked to him about me coming back to work, and told him I didn't want things to be like they were before. He said he'll try not to ignore me when we're counting money, and that things won't be like before. So far so good!

Today, I had an interview at a staffing agency. I figured it couldn't hurt to get my resume out there, and they can definitely help me with the networking part. ((Sigh)) I'm so exhausted right now. I'm dog sitting, and Jasper kept me up all night howling and goofing off with Chewy, then I had to get up early for a dentist appointment, after no sleep. Then I had to go to the interview, and I was supposed to go meet Jayme at the gym at 4, but I didn't get out of my interview till 4:30, so she said we can just pick back up tomorrow. Which is good, because I have a piano lesson at 7, and that is just wayyyy too many things for one day! I'm totally beat!

Brandon left for a golfing trip with his Dad this morning. He got up and left my apartment at like 7:30am! But they're just going to Corpus, and he'll be back tomorrow for work. I start back at my old job on Saturday, so tomorrow night will be my last night at the country bar! And boy am I glad about that!! I ought to raise a stink at the end of the night. Ugh.

I met with my lawyer yesterday, to give him some info, and tell him everything that's going on over there. He said, most likely, we'll settle, and I'll get a couple thousand dollars as compensation for my lost wages. :D I can always use a couple thousand dollars! Especially now, since I only worked one day last week and I spent the last of my cash on my teeth cleaning this morning. ((Sigh))

Well, I gotta go get some practicing in before my piano lesson tonight! Just wanted to give you guys a little update!

New Horizons

Well, our dinner date was definitely still on. Brandon just had a lot of stuff going on during the day. As for his drinking Saturday night, he told me he just had a really great time at the wedding! And...that's it! So I can't really judge, I mean... I've been known to have a good time and get drunk myself.

So anyways, Brandon came over around 8:30, groceries in tow, and he got right down to business! He made pasta with a homemade meat sauce, complete with ground turkey, fresh mushrooms and tomatoes, and spices. It was soooo good! We also had garlic croissants, and for dessert, he brought over Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns, which is now my favorite ice cream of all time!

After we ate, we settled down on the couch, and watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. To be honest, I was surprised he chose that movie, seeing as it's a total chick flick, and it didn't get the greatest ratings. But I love Jennifer Garner, so I still liked it. And it was kind of fitting. I mean, a guy who's afraid of falling in love, realizes he's been wasting his life having fun, and sleeping around... And then one day, he wakes up and realizes what he's truly been missing out on.

After the movie, we went to bed. And we talked.

First, he asked me about my Facebook. He doesn't have a Facebook, and apparently some people have asked him about me, and my status updates. They were pretty depressing at times, I suppose. I assured him that I had never written anything bad about him, and told him he was welcome to look! So I showed it to him. And he read one of my notes. And it was just a note about...being alone. I watched his reaction as he read it, and I could tell he genuinely felt...sad.

"You have alone issues, don't you?" He asked.

"Maybe...but you have commitment issues!" I said.

He sighed.

"Peyton, you're not alone. And no matter what happens between us, I will always be here, if you ever need someone."

He took my hand, and we just laid there, in the dark for a while.

Then we talked about our lives, and what we want. I told him that it's not necessarily a husband I'm searching for, it's companionship. It's not being alone, that I'm afraid of, it's ending up alone. I mean, I see what Sophie and Brent have, and they are like best friends, who do everything together, travel the world... And I want that.

"Aren't you ever afraid of being alone?" I asked him.

"No, but I'm alone all the time."

"No, I mean, don't you want somebody there for you at the end?"

"Well, yea...." He said, "I just...how do you know, when you're ready for that?"

"You just know." I said, and I thought to myself that I know, because as soon as I realized I was tired of this bar industry, and ready to have a real job, and get my own house, that I'm ready to settle down. But that's something Brandon is going to have to figure out on his own.

"Well you'll get that, Peyton. I know you will." He said.

There's just a part of me that really wants that with him. But we have a long way to go. And we're taking it slow. Which is the best thing for right now.

I vented to him a little about my work situation, too. I mean, I feel so stuck!

"You're not stuck." He said.

"Yes, I am! I can't quit, because I don't have enough money saved up right now, and...I have to find another job first! So now I'm looking for not just one job, but two!" I huffed.

"It's all gonna be okay. Just...think positive. Everything will work itself out." He said.

"You sound so sure..." I said.

"Because I am sure." He said.

I rolled over and sighed, and Brandon put his arm around me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yea. I'm okay." I said.

And we went to sleep, wrapped in each other's arms.

This morning, I got up and made us cinnamon rolls. We ate quickly, and then we both left, cuz I had to take my mom to physical therapy. I sent him a text message after he left that said, "Thanks for dinner! It was really good!"

And he wrote back, "You're welcome. I really enjoyed our time together last night."

:)

After my piano lesson, I went over to Mark's house to meet up with Summer, Ben, and Mike for food and football. Mark makes the most amazing mashed potatoes! And he grilled steaks and asparagus. All in all, a delicious meal, 2 nights in a row! Afterwards, we played pool, and drank wine, and discussed what we're gonna start doing with our Sundays, now that Mark put the boat to rest for the season. We had a cold front come through this week, and next weekend is supposed to be cool as well. So no more boat trips. :(

We have yet to figure out what we're gonna do. Lol.

So, I do have some news on the job front! Mark, from my old job called me today. He asked me if I wanted to come back! And I said, well...yes! But I told him I wasn't sure if Mr. P. and Blinn would go for it. But he said he's gonna talk to them, and he asked me if working with Brandon would be a problem. I told him most likely not, I mean, we're getting along now and trying to be friends. But I also told him I didn't wanna push my luck, and it would probably be best if we didn't work side by side, and he said of course, and that wouldn't be a problem. So now I just have to wait to hear back from him and find out what Blinn and Mr. P. say about it. I have to admit, it would a relief to go back to my old bar. I mean, I really miss everybody, and after going somewhere else, I've realized that they really are good people to work for. Probably the best in the Houston bar industry. So we'll see.

After our conversation, I got to thinking about what it would be like working with Brandon again. And I actually kind of started to freak out. Like...what if it screws everything up?? I mean, things are going so well between us right now, and I don't want us working together to ruin it! And what about the way things were before?? I mean, he used to always ignore me at work, and it drove me crazy. He'd say it was cuz he was at work, and he's serious about work yada yada.... But then when we'd go in the back to count money after work, he'd act...distant, and weird. I just don't want to slip back into our old habits again! And working together, it'll just be so...so much like before! This, now, is different. Our situation is different. My situation is different. ((Sigh))

So I talked to Summer about it while we were eating dinner at Mark's.

"He doesn't even work that much! I mean...you guys should be fine. Just ask to work at a different bar." Summer said.

"True..."

I mean, he does only work like 2 or 3 days a week. So, I might just be freaking out about nothing. But next time Brandon and I hang out, I'm definitely gonna mention it to him. Because this is really important to me. My job, and my relationship with Brandon are important to me. And I don't want either one affecting the other in a negative way. Not again.

But I might just be getting ahead of myself. I haven't even heard from Mark yet. Hopefully he'll get back to me by tomorrow. Sooo...wish me luck!

Hope

So Friday was lots of fun! I went out to eat with Ben, Summer, Bethany and Tug before they went to work. Then I headed over to my old bar to meet up with Todd. When he arrived, he had his girlfriend, Laura, and 2 of her girlfriends with him: Kristin and Brittany. Kristin didn't do much talking, but Brittany was pretty cool. Brandon was working, so I made sure to say hello. We pretty much hit all the hot spots around Houston, including my current place of employment, and my old favorite spots. Todd said he's really looking forward to me and the girls coming to his game next month! He told me to bring my camera, cuz he's getting us sideline passes, and I can get a lot of good shots of him! Which would be awesome!! I can't wait!

I ended up getting a little bit too tipsy that night, so Todd had to drive me home. Brandon texted me around 3:30am and mentioned that he was going out to eat with Mark. So I told him to get me some pancakes. And he did! Lol, but I had already passed out, and didn't even hear my phone when he called. Oh well, he said he saved the pancakes for me.

Last night was Summer and Brandon's Dad's wedding. I was at work, of course, but Summer and Ben stopped in the say hello after the reception. I didn't see Brandon though. Although, Alyssa called me around 2:30 to tell me that he'd been up at the bar, hammered, with his roommate who I hate. And apparently, his roommate was talking mad shit about me! Just great...

I guess Greg mentioned something about Brandon and I hanging out, and Brandon's roommate said I was "delusional" and that there's no way we'd be getting back together. WTF does he know!? He's such an asshole, I can't stand that guy! I asked Greg what Brandon said, but Greg told me that Brandon wasn't even there when his roommate said that stuff, and even if he had been, he was pretty intoxicated. It's not like it was my idea for us to get back together! Whatever, I'm not worry about it. Brandon can hardly stand his roommate. He's always telling me what a lazy, good for nothing piece of crap he is, and how he's wrecked his car 4 times in the past month. It's ridiculous.

So this morning, er, this afternoon, when I woke up, I called Brandon. I didn't mention to him that I'd heard about last night. I just asked him how the wedding was, and how things went with his Dad. He said the wedding was great, and his Dad and him talked, and they agreed to try and communicate better in the future. So that's really great, I'm happy they're getting somewhere. He mentioned to me that he went up to my old bar afterwards, and that he doesn't remember most of it. I thought about asking him about his roommate, but I decided against it. I figured I'd just talk to him later, if at all, when he comes over for dinner. Speaking of which, neither one of us mentioned it on the phone. I mean, I didn't wanna say anything about it, and he seemed a little distracted at the time. He ended up having to get off the phone, because he said he needed to hurry up and return his tux before he got charged extra for it. So he said he'd call me back later.

He wouldn't stand me up for our date. It was his idea! And he knows this is sort of just a trial period for us. ((Sigh)) I guess I'm just feeling a little uneasy because of what his roommate said about me. Even though I shouldn't care, and Brandon supposedly can't remember anything, I just... I dunno. I hope I hear from him soon!

A Good Day

Taryn's birthday party was fun! I put on my sexy new dress, and my gold satin pumps, which matched perfectly, and headed out to the restaurant, feeling pretty damn good!

Brandon showed up shortly after I did, with Mr. S.'s brother, Anthony. I was surprised when he sat down next to me, instead of Anthony, since they're pretty much inseparable these days. Seriously, they play golf together like 3 days a week. Summer and Ben sat across from me at the table and we goofed off and talked for most of the dinner. Brandon was pretty quiet throughout dinner, but I assumed it was because he was sitting at the end of the table.

After we ate, we all headed over to my old bar, which is where most of the other people still work. Mr. S. gave us 2 free bottles, and we all made ourselves comfortable. After eating all that food, I wasn't really feeling up to drinking. I had a couple shots, and my stomach was already protesting. So I just took it easy. Bethany and Tug, Summer and Ben, and Ali all left early because they had work in the morning. So I hung out with Misty, and Sheila.

At one point, I noticed Brandon talking to some girl. It was obvious that they knew each other. She wasn't pretty or anything, and I could tell he wasn't into her, but she kept touching his hair, (which was in a ponytail because he really needs a haircut!) which I thought was a little weird. So I walked right past them and out the front door. I contemplated leaving, cuz I was kind of bored, and Brandon was ignoring me, but I ran into Gavin outside and stopped to chat with him. That was when Brandon walked outside. I could tell he was hurrying out to see if I'd left. But he practically stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me standing there with Gavin.

It was weird, because I didn't even think he'd noticed me leave, but apparently he was paying closer attention to me than I thought. Which is a dynamic that's different for us, but I think I like it. So I decided to stay, and went back inside.

When the bar closed, a smaller group of us went back to Mr. S.'s house. I left my car in the parking lot at the bar, and drove Anthony's car, with him and a few others in the back. Anthony was definitely too drunk to drive.

So we hung out at Mr. S.'s place for a while, and then I asked Brandon if he'd be able to drive me back to my car when he left. And he said sure. So, around 4:30, everyone left Mr. S.'s house. When Brandon and I got to my car I asked him what he was gonna do.

"I guess I'm just gonna go home."

"Wanna come over?" I asked. I couldn't resist.

He hesitated. "Ummm..."

"It's a simple question. You can say no." I said, smiling at his nervousness.

"Ok. I'll come over. " He said, nodding.

So he followed me back to my place. I let him stay in my bed this time, but nothing happened! We just laid there and talked for a really long time. I explained to him that I just wanted us to be really open and honest going into this, because I want him to be clear about what my expectations are. I don't want us to repeat our mistakes over and over again. And he agreed, and he said he's gonna try not to be so distant, and be more open with me about his feelings. Eventually we fell asleep. This afternoon, I woke up to Brandon's arm around me. :) It was such a wonderful feeling.

When we got up, we decided to go get breakfast/lunch/dinner, at our old spot, Chili's. Hehe. We stayed there for a long time too, talking. And I told him that even though I wanted us to take things slow, I expected him to actually court me, and that I didn't want us to just slip back into our old routine.

Then we talked about other stuff, our lives, jobs, etc. His dad is getting married this Saturday, and he's pretty nervous about seeing him since they have so many unresolved issues. He's also planning to move out of that house he's been living in. He's moving back in with his grandparents. Which, I do think is pretty lame, but I absolutely hate that roommate of his. He's a lazy asshole, and a bad influence, and anything is better than Brandon living with him. Plus, he said he's trying to save money, and he doesn't want to rent anymore. He wants to save up and buy his own place. So I can respect that.

After we ate, he actually opened the car door for me! I think it's cuz I made some comment earlier about chivalry being dead. ;)

I sent him a text after he left that said, "Thanks for taking me to breakfast/lunch/dinner!"

And he said, "No problem. It was fun and good to get some things out. Thanks for listening."

And I said, "Anytime."

I think, so far, things are going really well between us.

Even though, I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to kiss him sooooo badly this morning! But I resisted the urge. I don't wanna ruin a good thing.

Earlier, I was reading through some of my old blogs, and I realized that exactly a year ago today, Brandon and I met for the first time. :)

What are the chances?

Birthdays and Lawsuits.

Last night, Sierra invited me to hang out with her and Sheila, 2 waitress/bartenders from my last job. They were meeting up at my old bar. So I went up there to meet them, and there was Brandon, with another one of my old coworkers, Tom. Melissa had a friend staying in town with her for the weekend, so it ended up being the 6 of us for the night. And we had a lot of fun actually. We found a chill, low key spot to hang out, and posted up there for the night. I was a little nervous at first, because Brandon was drinking, but he was taking it easy, and everything was cool. I wanna say it's almost as if things have gone back to the way they were, with Brandon and I, except that we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. But we still talk, and joke and laugh, and enjoy each other's company. It just never goes any further than that. No pressure. It's kinda nice actually. I didn't think it could possibly be this easy.

At the end of the night, we all ended up back at my old bar, since we all took one car. And we were just sort of hanging out while it was closing up. I could tell Brandon didn't wanna leave until I was ready to leave. And to be honest, I didn't wanna leave unless he was leaving. So were kinda just there, in limbo for a while. But it was cool. Gavin was there, working, and we were all just kind of bullshitting.

Then finally, I said I was ready to call it a night. So we all walked outside.

"Hey, are you going to Taryn's party tomorrow?" Brandon asked as I reached my car.

"Yea, of course. Are you??" I asked. I was surprised he even knew about it.

"Yea I mean, some of my friends are going, and they invited me so...I was thinking I'd go."

"Oh. Ok well then I guess I'll see you tomorrow." I got in my car and drove off.

While I was driving home, Brandon called me. I guess he just wanted to chat while he drove.

"You're ok to drive, right?" I asked, recalling all the beers he'd had.

"Yea, I'm fine. I just...gotta go home, cuz I'm playing golf tomorrow and I took my clubs out of my car so, I don't have any of my stuff."

It was so weird hearing him say that, cuz that's something he would have said when we were together, after I asked him if he was staying the night. Except I hadn't asked him if he was staying the night. But maybe he thought I wanted him to. And I kinda did. But I'm sticking to my rules.

"Ok..." I said.

We talked until I pulled into my apartment complex. Then I told him I was home and letting him go. And that was it!

He sent me a text a few minutes later that said he just wanted to let me know that he made it home, and goodnight.

Maybe we can be friends. I mean, I realize this is totally not a normal friendship, because there's that anticipation there. It's like we both know where it's gonna lead eventually, we just...don't know how long it'll take us to get there. But I kind of like it that way. It adds excitement, and mystery. And we're hanging out in groups, instead of just the 2 of us, so it's really casual.

Tonight is gonna be super fun! A huge group is meeting at this super nice restaurant for Taryn's birthday. And then we're going out for drinks afterwards. I got this amazing dress to wear! It's not too dressy, but it's cute, and sexy, and perfect for dinner and cocktails. I can't wait to wear it! And Brandon's gonna be there, so he'll actually get to see me in it!!

So lately, I've been so busy blogging about Brandon, that I haven't really had a chance to talk much about work. Things were getting a lot better for a while, but in the last week, it's taken a major nosedive. I HATE Justin, the main guy who runs the place. He's such a cocky asshole. He's one of those people who feels like they have to control everyone around them, and I can't stand that. He treats all his employees like they're his subjects!

On top of that, they take money out of our tips every night to pay the managers, which is illegal! And now they keep giving me all these really shitty shifts. I'm only working one day this week! At 10 o'clock! I can't afford to work four hours a week! How the hell am I supposed to pay my bills!? So I'm already looking for a new job. And as soon as I find one, I'm gonna slap Justin with a lawsuit! That's right. I've already spoken to a lawyer about them stealing money from us, and I can totally win. And it's not even about the money, it's about the fact that they treat all of us bartenders, especially me, like we're so easily replaceable, and they don't give a shit about us! And that's not fair, or right. So I'm getting even. Plus, I figure, at least this way, I'll be helping out Bethany, and Summer, and Tara. I'm really gonna miss working with them though. :(

The good news is, because I'm off so many days this week, I get to hang out with Todd! He's getting in town tonight. It's their biweek or something like that, so he doesn't have a game this weekend. AND Jenna's coming in town too. She's staying with me this weekend and all 3 of us are going out Friday. I'm just gonna have to be really frugal! But I can do it. My bills for this month are already paid.

Well, I gotta go hit the gym and the shower and start getting ready for Taryn's party! Wish me luck~!

I Snooped And I Don't Feel Bad About It!

((Sigh)) So Brandon is passed out on my couch right now, and I am in my room, in bed, typing this post.

Let's start from the beginning...

Our group was supposed to go out on the boat today, but it was raining this morning, so instead we all went up to my old bar to watch football. I did a thorough drive through of the parking lot before going inside, and Brandon's car wasn't there, so I felt reassured. But then, as soon as I walked inside, there he was, in the DJ booth, doing sound for the game. So I tried my best to avoid him. But then Summer showed up, and brought him over to the table. It was a little weird, but I tried to act nonchalant. We ended up leaving shortly after that to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, and Brandon couldn't go, obviously, because he was working. But while we're there, he's texting me. Asking what I'm doing, etc. Hours and hours have gone by, keep this in mind.

Me, Tara, Hot Dereck, Summer, Ben, and Mark (Bethany was working at her other job) met up to watch the game around 3ish, and got to BW3's around 9ish. So after that, we went over to Summer's place to kill some time before heading back out. Tonight was Hot Dereck's brothers birthday, so we had plans to meet up with him later. So while we're at Summers, Brandon is still texting me to find out what's going on. Apparently by this time, he was off work, but just hanging out there and drinking. So Summer tells him to meet us at our next destination. Well we get there, and Brandon shows up and he's hammered! I mean, DANGER ZONE hammered. And I'm like, "Oh shit..."

So I immediately tell Summer and Tara how fucked up he is, and this can't be good, and I probably shouldn't be around him because he gets out of control. But Tara was like, "No, stay, stay, maybe we can get him to leave."

So I stayed.

Then Brandon starts to say something to me, and he's shouting in my ear! And I'm like, "Whoa! Calm down!"

"It's loud in here!" He shouts.

"I know, but you don't have to shout when you're that close to me!" I shout back.

So then he leans over and whispers something to me, just to be a smartass. Then he he says, "Oh did you need me to repeat that?!"

And he whispers it again.

This happens about 4 times.

On the 5th, I push him away from me.

"Ok..." I start to say, pulling away cuz I'm getting fed up with his drunk ass, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back.

I shook him off me and walked away.

"I'm leaving." I said to Summer and Tara and I brusquely walked out of the bar.

Then I hear Tara yelling after me. I turn around and see Brandon and Summer both behind me. I keep walking, faster.

"WAIT! I'll walk with you, just wait!" Tara calls. So I pause to wait.

"Are you ok? What happened?" She asked.

"I'm fine, I just wanted to get out of there before that situation turned nasty. I knew this would happen."

"I'm sorry your night was ruined." She said, with a sad face.

"My night wasn't ruined, I had fun with you guys all day! I just know where that would have led, and I don't feel like dealing with it."

We talked as we walked to my car, and then I drove her back to the bar.

"Call me if you need anything." She said as she got out.

I really do love Tara. I mean I've only known her for a couple weeks, but she's a totally awesome girl, and a great friend. And Dereck is so sweet to her! I'm really happy for them.

ANYWAYS, so I drive off, and then Brandon texts me.

"Come back please!!"

"No. You're wasted, and being a dick, and I don't feel like dealing with it."

"I'm not trying to be a dick! You just ran off."

"I did not just run off. You're too drunk, and I don't feel like dealing with your shit right now."

This went on until I got to my apartment.

"Look, we need to have an actual conversation, and not tonight. When you're sober. CALL ME tomorrow. If I don't hear from you then...I guess that's it." I finally said.

Just when I thought he had given up, he texted me again.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be an asshole. Where are you?"

"At home."

"I want to see you."

"You don't know where I live and you're too drunk to even be driving."

"Whatever, let me know and I'll be there!! Try me, and I'm not that drunk."

"Yes you are. You should have let Summer and Ben take you home."

"Whatever, if you give me the address, I'll be there."

"Why do you want to come over here?"

"I want to if you want me to...?"

"I'm not playing games with you Brandon. Why do you want to come over here?"

"What is your address!"

"[My address]"

I caved. This had better be good.

When he finally showed up, he was still drunk, of course.

"So...what did you wanna come over here for?" I asked.

He paced around my apartment, making comments on how big it is, and looking at stuff. It was weird. Seeing him in my apartment. He was stalling.

"I can't talk to you now. I can't. I'll just go."

"You were so insistent upon coming over here, just so you could leave!?" I asked.

"Well I can't talk right now, I've had too much to drink."

"I know! That's why I told you to call me tomorrow!"

He sighed.

"I'll just go outside and pass out in my car.

"No. You'll be too tempted to drive." I said.

"Well then let me just sleep on your couch, and I promise I'll be here in the morning, and we'll talk."

I stood in front of the door for a long while. I can't believe this is happening.

"Fine." I said, "But you better not go anywhere."

"I won't. I promise." He held out his hand. I shook it. He held on longer than was necessary and I pulled away.

"Goodnight." I said, went into my room and closed the door.

((Sigh))

I also stole his phone, so that he couldn't leave in the middle of the night. Then I went through all his text messages and found the 2 slores he'd been talking to. I know, that's totally psycho of me, but whatever. There were two of them! And I thought there was only one!!! Beth, and Stephanie. WHORES! And they both call him babe all the time, and one of them even went to one of his golf tournaments. Sounds like a little more than a casual fling to me. As soon as I read them, I stormed out of my room, with full intentions of strangling a confession out of him if I had to. But he was passed out cold on my couch. And I had forgotten how peaceful he looks when he sleeps. So....sweet. I used to sit and watch him sleep sometimes. ((Sigh)) So I lost all my resolution and went back to my room. Then I deleted every single text from both of those girls, AND their phone numbers!!

If his intentions are to try and get back together with me, he won't be needing their numbers anyway. And if that's not his intention, well then I don't really give a fuck! Ugh...

I really wish I knew who these girls were. It's Bethany's fault I looked through his phone anyway. I was on the phone with her and she asked me if I had looked at his text messages. I hadn't even thought about it until she said something. ((Sigh))

I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, it's not like he cheated on me or anything. We're not together. We haven't been for almost 2 months. And if he likes to date 19287523 whores at a time that's his prerogative. But he sure is hell isn't gonna get back in with me while he's doing it!

I've decided to tell him that I think we should take it really slow, and try to develop a pretty solid friendship before we do anything else, and just build from there. BUT!!!! Only under the condition that he stops talking to those sluts. Because otherwise I'll never be able to trust him. And I'm not gonna try being his friend for my health! There's a lot of history, a lot of hurt that I have to get past in order to do that, and if I'm gonna set aside my feelings, and forgive him, then he's gonna give up his slores! END OF STORY!

I've gone in the living room to check on him twice now. He's still there. Fast asleep. I kind of wish he was in my bed. But, I'm standing firm on this one. And I think I'm doing the right thing.

So in the morning, he and I will talk. And tomorrow night, I'll write.

Ketchup

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. Things have just been so hectic since the new job and everything...
The first night I worked there, I absolutely hated it. And I was sure I wouldn't come back. I didn't get to work at the same bar as Summer or Bethany, and the place was just a total...clusterfuck! But it was busy. REALLY busy. And we ended up making so much money that night that I figured I couldn't afford to quit. And I figured I should give it another chance.
So I went back the next night, and it wasn't as bad. I still didn't get to work at the same bar as my friends, but I figured I need to get to know the other bartenders anyway. It's all girls and one guy. And right now, there are only 7 of us.
Last night, being a Thursday there weren't as many bartenders working, and Bethany and I are trading off every other week. And it was actually kind of fun! I got to know Jim, our only male bartender, since we were working in the back bar together. Then Jim went home at midnight and Summer came back to work with me. So she and I had fun together. Although...sometimes, she'll say something, or do something, a facial expression, or a gesture, that makes me think of Brandon. And it's like I have to look away. They're just so much alike. ((Sigh))
After work, all us girls went and ate at IHOP and that was really fun. There's this girl, Tara, who just moved here from Boston, and guess who she's dating?! Hot Dereck!! Lol. Small world, huh?
I was so surprised when I found out cuz...well frankly, he used to be a total manwhore! But good for him, I guess he's got his shit together. And Tara's a really sweet, cool, girl. Cute, but not your cookie cutter, run of the mill, blond with big boobs. She has a great personality! So anyways, she's my favorite one out of our bartenders. And then there's Cailee. She's young, blond, tall, and pretty. And very...well, young. You know, shes all into the scene, drinks a lot at work. A total party girl. But...I think she means well. I hope she does anyways. It's hard to tell with girls like her, because they're at a point where they could go either way...
And then there's Andrea. The 6 feet tall bombshell. Huge fake boobs, brunette, and happens to be dating Justin. One of the owners. Who also happens to be Jayme's ex-boyfriend. Lol. It's weird how everything seems to tie in.
So that's everybody! I'm sure you guys will be hearing more about them in the future.

Now, let me get you guys caught up on the non-work stuff. Sunday was Jayme's birthday party. Which was at my old bar. And sure enough, Brandon was there. I was having a good time, managed to avoid him for most of the day, until the very end of the night. Which, again, sent me heading home, sad and not in the mood to socialize.
The funny thing is, Gavin texted me and asked what I was doing. When I told him I was heading home, he asked me if I wanted some company, cuz he was bored. So...he came over! And nothing happened. I mean, he and Sierra are still on and off or whatever, and I would never wanna go there. It was just...really awkward. We watched half a movie, while sitting on opposite ends of the couch. He left after about an hour. But I have to say, it was nice to have his company, if only to distract me from my thoughts of Brandon. ((Sigh))
Monday night, I went out with Cameryn and DJ to this Stoli Apple release party. There were aerialists and dancers, and free alcohol! It was awesome. And it was so awesome to hang out with some of my friends from my old job. I miss everybody so much!
Of course, I ended up getting a little too drunk, and when I got home, I *67ed Brandon a few times. ((Sigh)) I KNOW, it was stupid. REALLY stupid. I knew even as I was dialing. But I just...couldn't stop thinking about him! No one answered the first couple times, and then on like...the 4th try, someone answered. A girl.
I was in so much shock I just choked. She hung up. I looked at my phone to make sure I dialed the right number. Did I dial the right number?? I don't know! I still don't know! I immediately dialed Summer. She didn't answer. I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, when I woke up, I had a text from Summer.
"Is everything ok?"
"Yea I just got a little too drunk last night, called your brother, and a girl answered the phone. I sorta had a mini meldown."
She was just as shocked as I was. But she said she'd try to find out who it was, if I even dialed the right number. I mean, I'm hoping I dialed the wrong number, obviously, but I know better than to hope for that. But I just can't help thinking, he hardly had time for me when we were dating, and he's so self absorbed and busy with golf, how could he possibly have had time to find a new girl already!?! ((Sigh)) Summer agreed with me on that front. But I really need to just stop obsessing.
Which is where Cory comes in! He and I went to high school together, and we had a lot of mutual friends, but never really hung out. So we're friends on Facebook, and he recently got dumped too. And we've been commiserating a lot. And the thing is...he's attractive, funny, tall, smart, sarcastic, and very genuine. And I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Especially since he told me he's coming to Houston next weekend. Yea, that's the only downside. He's going to school in San Antonio. But there's been a lot of flirting going on. Even when I was in Austin! I invited him to go to the river with us, but then we ended up not going. But he was gonna come! So he makes it a point to tell me he's coming to Houston, and I can't help but feel...good about this! I mean, usually I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up about something so uncertain, but I'd rather think about Cory and what could possibly happen, than think about Brandon and how much I miss him. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I just...miss him so much. It's like a piece of me is gone.
((Sigh)) So, I'm trying to be positive. About the Cory thing. Tonight all us girls from the new bar are going out to eat, and have margs before work. It's gonna be really fun. I'm glad I'm finally starting to get to know everybody, and sort of find my place in the world. That is, my small, cloistered little world. Well, I'm off to jump in the shower and get ready!

Nothing New

((Sigh))
It's been 4 weeks.
Since we broke up.
Last Wednesday, I went into work, and put in my 2 weeks. I was completely honest. Told him about the blowout between Brandon and I and that I just...thought it was best if I removed myself from the situation. And Mr. S. was really cool about it.
Until Thursday, when he called me and said the management thought it was "best if we parted ways now" and not to bother coming in for my 2 weeks, cuz they already got my shifts covered. Something about a conflict of interest...
Obviously, I was devastated. Spent another 2 days balling my eyes out.
Then on Saturday, I went to Austin.
I guess I was hoping things would still be what I'd hoped for. Fun, excitement, distraction, escape... Maybe a cute boy to kiss.
But it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I had fun! And it was good to get away. But there were no cute boys to kiss. And no distractions. At least not any to get me over this hump.
And now I'm back. And nothing has changed. My life is exactly the way I left it.
And I don't feel any better about it.

And you know what, I can't help that I'm hung up on Brandon! It's not like I'm enjoying this! It's not like I chose this! But I was in love with him. I hate to admit it, but I still am.
How do you just go from spending all your time with someone, being best friends, being in love, to just...nothing?
Nothing.
I want nothing more than to be able to move on, and stop thinking about him.
((Sigh))
I try so hard.
I just can't.

Quitting

Last night, after my piano lesson, Bethany and I had plans to go out to dinner and a movie.
Afterwards, Taryn texted me asking if we wanted to go have a drink with her. So we met her at our bar.
Where Brandon was sitting at the front of the bar. Between 2 girls. I excused myself to go to the restroom. I can't be around that.
As we were leaving, I saw them exchanging numbers.
I cannot deal with this anymore.
I'm quitting my bar.

Moving

When I got to work last night, there he was, outside. Standing there with Greg, Gavin, and The Albanian. He saw me approaching and turned to walk away, hoping to avoid me I guess. But I tapped him on the shoulder.
"Give me my key back." I demanded.
He didn't say anything, he just took his keys out of his pocket.
"Oh, so it's like that..." The Albanian said. I ignored him.
Gavin stared, wide eyed, while Greg turn his head the other way, looking sheepish.
"Did you bring my glasses?" Brandon asked, as he removed the key from the ring.
"Oh, yea...I guess you should have thought about your glasses when you broke into my apartment to get your weed back. You're not getting any of your shit back."
As I stormed off, I heard him say, "I didn't break in...", quietly, to whoever was standing there.

Work sucked. He was bartending last night, so of course I kept running into him.

((Sigh)) The truth is, I hate being mean to him. It feels good in the moment, but at the end of the day, it just makes me cry. Because I still love him. And I hate that I love him.
I long to run my fingers through his hair, feel his smooth, warm skin, wrap my arms around him. I miss the taste of his lips...
And the thought of some other girl touching that skin, tasting those lips, wrapping her arms around him...it makes me want to vomit.
Every night when I go to sleep, I just wish I could just rewind everything that has happened, go back 2 weeks ago, and open my eyes, and he would be laying there next to me. I wish it had never come to this. Never.
After the first week, I felt like it was starting to get a little easier. But ever since I found out he snuck into my apartment, and he "just wants to be friends now" and "get along" it's like...everything is hitting me all at once. I can't deal with this. I've reached my emotional limit. I am overflowing. I'm afraid I'm going to have an emotional breakdown.
I miss him sooo much.

I started moving today. I really like the new apartment, but it's so....empty. And I feel even more alone now. This new apartment has nothing of him in it. I guess it's better that way, but it's so much harder.
I've never felt so rejected, or so alone in my whole life.

Getting Fed Up

Today I had to do a photoshoot up at work, for a promotion they're doing for private football parties. Cameryn had posted a bulletin in the back telling anyone who was interested to show up at 4 in their favorite team's jersey.
So as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, the first thing I saw was Brandon's car.
You've got to be fucking kidding me! I thought, What is he doing here???
((Sigh))
So I went inside and started setting up my equipment, and I immediately texted Cameryn.
"I don't mean to be annoying, but could you please send Brandon home, cuz I just can't stand the sight of him right now"
About 10 minutes later, Cameryn came out of the office.
"What happened??" She asked.
"Oh, you didn't hear?"
"....No..." She said.
"Well, Brandon broke up with my on Friday because he said he's not physically attracted to me...he's coming. I'll tell you about it later."
"I'm sorry!" She mouthed silently.
The next 2 and a half hours were absolutely miserable. I mean...I can't stand to look at him, let alone take pictures of him! Ugh...
He even had the gall to come up to me and say, "What's up Peyton?"
I did not respond, look at him, or acknowledge him at all, whatsoever.

After the shoot, Cameryn asked me what the story was her. I told her everything as I packed up my things.
She asked if I'd talked to any of our mutual friends, and if anyone had any insight.
"No, I mean it's not like this is the first time he's done this. It's always about him."
"If it had been me, I probably would have laughed in his face." Cameryn said.
"Yea, well...I wish I could have done that."
"Well...he cant just not be attracted to you, or he wouldn't have wasted his time with you in the first place." She said.
"That's what I thought, but apparently he's a really good faker."
I finished packing up my things and left immediately afterwards.
I still can't believe he had the audacity to show up to my shoot. Knowing I was gonna be taking those pictures! Is he trying to torture me?!? I mean wtf?!
((Sigh))
Melissa's birthday is Labor Day Weekend. I'm taking a much needed trip to Austin.

Karma

So when I got to work Thursday night, the first thing I heard was that Kate was a no-call, no-show on Wednesday. LMAO. I can't help but feel a little responsible for this. And a little giddy. I knew she wouldn't last.
The past 2 nights were decent, but considering how broke I am, the money still isn't enough! For some reason, I've only been getting 3-4 shifts a week since I got back from Europe. I may have to bring this up with Mr. S... Well, there's still tonight, I suppose.
And Monday, is the boat party!! I can't wait! It's gonna be so much fun.
In the meantime, I have tomorrow off, and Law School and I have tentative plans. I've decided that since Brandon has been so adamant about me not chasing him, I'm determined have my own life and my own friends, even if they're guys. And I've already talked to Law School about the whole "Can guys and girls have completely platonic relationships?" and he said, "Absolutely!"
So I don't have to worry about him expecting anything else. We just get along really well, and we have a lot of common interests. He's like one of those people that you meet, and feel like you've known for years. So conversation flows easily, and it's never awkward. So we may hang out tomorrow night, but his bar exam is next week, so who knows! He may just study all day like he has been for the past week. We'll see...

Well, I guess I don't really have much else to blog about as of right now. I'll try to post again Monday night or Tuesday!

Go Ahead And Judge...

I had a long talk with Sophie about the Todd situation. She says that Todd has never really been a go-getter when it comes to girls. I mean his last girlfriend's mom set them up, and it took him months to even gather up the courage to talk to the girlfriend he had before her. So she said that I'm definitely gonna have to make the first move. She suggested that I just wait till the next time he's in town, and ask him out on a date. She also said it'll probably be awkward at first, but that's just a risk I'm gonna have to take.
And as it turns out, I talked to Todd yesterday, and he said that he'll probably be coming into town the Saturday after Halloween, just for the night because his brother's birthday is that following Monday. So I just might have an opportunity to see him. He said he'd definitely call me when he got into town, but work is gonna be insane that weekend, so we'll see.

In other news, guess who's back in the picture?
If you guessed Brandon, then you're correct.
Last night after work, I went over to Tipsy to meet up with Bethany and Tug and a couple other coworkers. Well, as it turned out, practically our entire bar, including all 3 managers/owners were there! So it was like a huge work party. We had a blast too! And of course, Brandon was there, since he is now a coworker too. He bought me a couple shots and we hung out a little. His sister Summer was there, and she asked me about us. You know, what was going on and all. She said that he told her he really likes me, and he thinks I'm super cool, but he just doesn't want it to get weird with us working together.
"When did he tell you this?" I asked.
"Just today!" She said.
"Oh...how weird. I seriously thought he just wasn't into me or something."
"No no! Not at all! My brother is just...different than most guys. He's really picky about the girls he talks to, and he takes things really slow." Summer explained.
So that gave me something to think about.
So Brandon and I hung out casually for the rest of the night. I mean, obviously, I didn't wanna give my coworkers any ideas since that's something we are apparently both concerned about.
After the bars closed, a small group of us went over to this guy Sean's house. It was me, Blinn, Brandon, Bethany, Mr. S., and Tug. Sean used to work with Mr. S. and Mr. P. last year before his bar shut down, but I don't really know him.
So anyways, we all went over there and had a few beers before we decided to call it a night. Brandon and Blinn had ridden with me over to Sean's, but Bethany offered to drive Blinn home since I "had my hands full" with Brandon. So Brandon and I drove back over to the shot bar, where his car was parked. But he was definitely too drunk to drive, so I moved his car for him to our work parking lot. Then he came home with me.
We ate sandwiches and then got in bed and started talking. I told him that I talked to his sister, and I asked him to be straight forward with me. And he basically told me the same thing that Summer did. He just didn't want things at work to get weird, and he didn't want me going around telling people he was an ass or something.
"Well why would I tell anyone that? Are you planning on dicking me over or something?"
"No! I just...this is what I mean. I don't want it to get to that point where things are weird."
"Look. If, and when you start bartending, I am going to treat you exactly the same way I treat all the other bartenders. I don't want people at work knowing about my personal business any more than you do. Trust me. I'd rather them not know anything at all. So it's not going to be weird. I'm not that girl. I'm not a drama queen."
"Ok well good then. We're on the same page."

And then we started kissing... And one thing led to another, and before I even knew what was happening, he was undressing me, and I was pulling his shirt off... Omg he has the sexiest chest. I couldn't stop running my hands over it.
Well we had sex.
There. I said it.
And don't bother posting the nasty comments, because I didn't have to tell you we did it! I could have totally left that information out, but I figured you guys would probably like something nasty to read once in a while...
And considering the fact that we were both drunk, it was pretty good sex! I mean, we were both so uninhibited! There was none of that weird awkwardness like when we kissed for the first time. It was just so...natural. I wanted him, he wanted me, and we both went to bed satisfied.
And we cuddled. :)
I mean afterwards, we were both just kind of lying there, panting, and staring at the ceiling and then he said, "Come over here.", and he gestured to his side, and I curled up next to him with one arm around him and it was just so...easy. Comfortable. Nice.
But I'm not gonna lie, I did feel a pang of guilt when Todd popped into my head.
But, distractions, right?? That's what I need, isn't it??
I mean I'm not sure if this whole Brandon thing will last, or even if it will work out at all, but I do know that he makes me happy. At least for now. And apparently, all I can have at the moment is right now.
I'm not talking about Mr. Right Now, I'm talking about living in the moment.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna go sleeping with Joe Schmoe every time I get drunk, I just mean...it felt good to just let go, and give over to my more carnal senses for once, without over analyzing everything. I guess because I've sort of come to the realization that as long as I'm realistic about everything, and as long as I don't get my hopes up too much, I can still be happy, even if I'm not with Mr. Perfect (aka Todd).
And guess what else??
He asked me out on a date! A real date. Tomorrow night. Dinner. 8 pm.
And I'm nervous! Because I mean, it's been so long since I've been on a real date! I think the last real date I had was with Vette Guy. Ugh...
I just don't want it to be awkward. Especially after last night...
((sigh!))
So, I slept with Brandon last night, and I have date with Brandon tomorrow night. Lol. That is a little backasswards, but I'll take it!

Speaking of dates, TDH is still texting me! Today he asked me if he was gonna have to beg. I told him he was more than welcome to beg if he thought that would convince me. Ha!
What a tool. Taryn, one of my friends at work, suggested I make a date with him and then purposely stand him up. I laughed, but I don't think I could really be that mean.

A Tale Of Two Turkeys

So much has happened in 2 days, I dunno if I'll be able to cram it all in!
Ok, first of all, Brandon spent the night Friday and Sunday night! I think I already recapped Friday. Well, nothing happened on Friday anyway so, Sunday!
I had the day off, which was nice, and definitely well deserved. I slept in super late, and then went up to my bar to meet Nick and some coworkers. I called Brandon on my way there, and he said he'd meet up with me when he was done studying.
So we hung out there all day, and then Brandon and I headed back to my place around 12:30am. He'd been acting a little...distant through out the day I noticed. He kept leaving to talk to other people for long periods of time. But that's fine, I mean he's gonna be working with us soon, and it's good for him to get to know people I guess. So we get back to my place and I put on Across The Universe. He pretty much fell asleep, with his head on
my shoulder while we were sitting on the couch. So when the movie ended, I suggested we go to bed.
So when we got in bed, I started to get really impatient, wondering if he was ever going to kiss me. And there he was, laying right next to me, not doing a damn thing! So I started huffing. Lol. And then he asked me what was wrong. And I started giving him shit about how he must be afraid of me or something, and then suddenly, he was kissing me.
Finally!
And it was actually kind of anticlimactic. ((sigh)) I mean, we kissed for a while, and I just kept waiting for that feeling, that first kiss swooning feeling, to hit me....but it never did. :(
And I dunno if it's just because of all the waiting, and the built up anticipation, or if it's just because we don't have chemistry. But it's so frustrating!! GRRRRR!!!
So he left the next day, and I actually haven't seen him since. I mean we've talked, but he had a test this week, and he went into work late on Monday cuz his alarm didn't go off, so he's been studying and going to bed early this week. At least, that's what he's been telling me. And I've been working. And I talked to Melissa about it. She says I always do this. I really like a guy, and I chase him, and I let him chase me, and then as soon as it happens, BAM! I lose interest. And she's sort of right, but I'm not sure if I agree that it's self-sabotage. I mean, if that was the case, he'd at least be calling me still, right??? And I haven't heard from him all day. He used to send me "good morning" text messages. Haven't gotten one of those either. ((sigh)) Oh well. I'm just gonna leave him alone for a while and see what happens.

In other news! Last night, Bethany, and Tug and I went to the Ghostland Observatory show at the new House of Blues! It was AWESOME! We had so much fun! It turned out that a group of our coworkers were there, so we hung out in their booth with them, which had an amazing view, and guess who was there?? John.
The ups and downs with him never seem to end...
So after the show, we all went back to our bar for a couple drinks, and John wasn't there. I figured he'd gone home. Then Bethany, Tug and I went to BW3's for some grub and trivia and ended up staying there for about an hour. When we went back to our bar to close out our tabs there he was! With his bike in tow. Apparently he'd gone home to get his bike or whatever, and when he game back, the rest of the crew was gone. So we were all standing around talking, and he offered me a shot. I said yes, of course, and we went inside. Bethany and Tug went home, and then it was just me and John.
We took a shot, and had a couple drinks and just talked for a while. It was kind of nice actually. Because both of us were sober, unlike every other time we hang out. Then it started pouring down rain! So John moved his bike inside through the back door. I ended up taking him back to my place, since he couldn't drive his bike. Don gave us a lot of shit as we were leaving, saying stupid things like, "Be safe! Use a condom!"
I yelled at him to shutup. When we got back to my apartment, I put on a movie (John wanted to watch 21) and we just made ourselves comfortable in bed. Before long, John was passed out, and my eyes were fighting to stay open. So I turned off the movie and went to sleep. And that was that! Just like last time. No kissing, no cuddling, no touching even! But I knew what to expect this time around, so it wasn't that weird. And I think I might be starting to get over him. All the runaround, the up and downs, the games, the ambiguity... It's gotten old. I just don't wanna do it anymore.
Tall Dark and Handsome still texts me btw... I'm not even really sure why, because he never texts me to make plans! He just asks what I'm doing! That's getting pretty old too. If he doesn't ask me out soon, I'm going to delete his phone number. I think I've just had it up to here with guys who can't make up their minds. I don't want someone who doesn't know what they want! I want a guy who's sure. A guy who's attractive, smart, funny, and nice. Somebody I can be myself with.
And do you know who I just described??

Todd.

Oh, and did I mention that Melissa and I are going to Dallas this weekend to see his game? I'm so excited!!!

Joy Ride

Yesterday was very exhausting, but totally worth it! I went with Mark to his parent's ranch in Katy and rode horses all day! It was so nice to be back in the saddle, although my ass is paying for it now... Lol. But it was fun, and relaxing, and the weather was perfect! When I got home, I was tired, so I laid around for a while and watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Then Brandon called.
We ended up hanging out last night, and it was fun. But his height really bothers me! He's so hot, I wish he were taller. Oh well. So we smoked a little, and I was super high, but we had a really good time. We stopped into my bar to say hi to Bethany. On our way out I noticed a bike sitting out front that looked a lot like John's. I asked Gavin if he knew whose bike it was, but he said it was just some guy's. Hmm. Still haven't seen or heard from John since...well since last Friday! Anyways, at the end of the night Brandon walked me to my car and we stood there, kind of awkwardly. We were parked right next to each other, but I was facing forwards, and he was facing backwards, so our doors were against each other. So anyways, I'm standing there with my door open, and he's standing there with his door open... It was awkward. I mean, I couldn't tell if he was interested or not! And I mean, I wanted him to kiss me, sort of, or at least give me a hug goodbye, but he was being so stand-offish. So finally, I broke the silence.
"Well, I'll be out tomorrow so..."
"Yea, I'll be at the shot bar with my roommate." He said.
"Ok. Well...call me then."
"Ok." He said.
Then I got in my car and shut the door.
As I was driving home I wrote him a text, "Well what was that?"
B: I don't know!!! What did u want me to do?
Me: Lmao. I don't know, SOMETHING!!
B: Well I'm sorry I guess I didn't know if u wanted me to do something
Me: Well what were you leaning towards?
B: I wanted to kiss u but didn't want to get dissed!!
Me: Lol well you never know till you take a chance, right?
B: Yeah u are so right
Me: Well then why didn't you?
B: I don't know! I guess I didn't get that same vibe from u. I thought I was making an ass of myself.
Me: Lol well the vibe you were probably getting was HIGHHHH! you weren't making an ass of yourself.
B: That's cool. Didn't know if I was or not. But I was just trying to see u smile and laugh... :) :)

So that was that. He texted me this morning with, "Hey good morning. I woke up late, wanted to sleep in a bit. Had fun last night."

THEN he texted me again just a little while ago telling me he got a job at my bar as a door guy!!
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! That means he and John are gonna be working together!!!!
COULD THIS BE ANY WORSE FOR ME?!?!?! I mean, I knew he had applied there, but he just wants to get his foot in the door cuz he's in bartending school right now. Ughhh...this sucks. I mean, why does he wanna bartend anyway?? He has a day job at an engineering firm!
((Sigh))
I'm gonna see him again tonight, you know for our original plans.
I wonder if John will be at work today...

Ike's Aftermath

I dropped Rusty off at a friend's house and then headed back to my apartment.
Still no power.
I called Bethany and she said I could crash with her. So I went straight there with all my things and Oliver. I've been here ever since. Rusty sent me a couple text messages, but we haven't spoken at all. In fact, my phone gets terrible reception in Bethany's house, so I haven't really been getting any phone calls.
The first couple days here were fun. I actually like living with Bethany and Tugg! But our bar still had no power, so none of us were able to work, and I was pretty low on cash. The lines for gas have been so long, they wrap around corners, grocery stores have no power, and therefore nothing cold. All the street lights are out so traffic is always bad. ((sigh)) Everything around here just sucks.
My parents told me today that they might not even get power back for a month! I was getting pretty depressed too before midtown finally got power back last night! I was actually able to work. I mean, think about it. You have no money, no place to live, and no job. And I hate mooching off people. And I know I'm welcome here for as long as I need to stay, but I still feel bad. Like, I'm taking advantage, ya know? It's not a good feeling. But I made 250 bucks last night, so things are already looking up.
We really do need all your prayers though! Things down here are absolutely horrible. Schools are shut down, people can't go to work, a lot of people don't even have water! And there's no telling how long this will all last, but it seems like a while.
Oliver has his first doctor's appointment tomorrow. Well, first appointment since I've had him. So that should be interesting. ((sigh)) Anyways, I gotta go get ready for work! We have this new girl, and she's absolutely awful. Not to mention she's a smartass bitch, and nobody likes her. Lol. I almost hope she's working tonight, just so that I'll have someone to take my frustration out on. Hahaha!