Caught Up In A Book

I know I haven't written in a while, but it's because I'm reading The Pillars of the Earth and I CANNOT put it down! It's so good!!

Anyways, I finally talked to Todd. Monday night I noticed on his FB page that he and Andrew are throwing their party this weekend, and my feelings were really hurt that he didn't invite me. But then again...I did tell him that I didn't wanna talk to him for a while, so I figured it was my own fault. And I decided to call him.
He answered the phone on the first ring. He was in the car with Andrew. We chatted for a bit, but I still felt kind of awkward. He did invite me to the party, but obviously, at such late notice there was no way I would be able to get off work at the bar. I wouldn't have gone anyways, it's just...still a little weird for me. Mostly I just feel discredited, and like he thinks I'm crazy or something. Melissa has told me so many things that Jayme has said about me, like that I told her I was going to "murder her in her sleep" for dating Todd, etc etc... So I'm sure she repeated those things to Todd, and I dunno... I just feel like when it comes to Jayme, Todd is completely deaf to everything I say. Our conversation was short, and unfulfilling, and I got off the phone with him still feeling sad, and empty about our relationship. He's going to be home for Easter though, so I'm hoping we can talk and hang out and maybe things can start getting back to normal.

I just got a text message from Brandon. What. Thefuck.

Oh. He just wanted to know if I'm working tonight because he has my Christmas present from Summer. Yea, that's how long it's been since Summer and I have hung out! I miss her. I can't wait till it gets warm again and we can start going out on Mark's boat on Sundays! I hope we do anyway. He has a "serious" girlfriend now, and I'm not sure how she will feel about all us girls coming along on their weekend expeditions to the lake. But we'll see...

There are a couple things I would like to mention about Brandon, since we're sort of on the subject. The last 2 weeks at work have been weird. Not as far as I'm concerned, because it's gotten to the point where I can really be nice to Brandon now. I'm not mad at him anymore, and I don't feel the need to be hostile or defensive. It's all faded away, finally. Which is nice. And I think because of that, he feels like he doesn't know how to act around me?? I'm not sure. But 2 people have said some strange things to me in the past couple of weeks.

1) Greg made a comment 2 weeks ago, while he and I were doing inventory. I was talking about saving the elephants (they are endangered and there are only enough of them left on the planet to fill 1/3 of a football stadium!!!) and Brandon said something negative, I can't even remember what. But he said it just for the sake of disagreeing with me, because that's what he always does. And I just said, "Well I think you are being negative, and I don't like it", in a jokingly haughty tone. And Greg said, "You two stop flirting so we can finish inventory!"
And I was so shocked, and taken aback by his comment that I was speechless! Literally. Speechless. So I continued calling bottles out to him without another word.
Then later that same night, I was telling Greg about how Nick, my creepy neighbor, was stalking me, and I laughingly pleaded him to come home with me and pretend to be my boyfriend. Brandon was standing nearby, but he wasn't part of our conversation, and I didn't even think he was listening, but he said something unintelligible to Greg, and then Greg said something unintelligible back, but I heard my name.

"What did you say??" I asked Greg.

"Oh, nothing! I'm not going to repeat it or I might get my ass kicked!" He said.

"WHAT?? Tell me what you said!" I protested, but he wouldn't.

Then, finally, when Brandon left the room, he told me that he said, "Well if you wanna go home with Peyton, I'll cover for you."

And I was like, "WHY would you say that???" But he just shook his head, shrugged and smiled.

????

2) One of our kind of new girls (not so new anymore, but still new to me), her name is Amelia, who I actually really like, made a comment last week, that Brandon still flirts with me all the time. And I argued that he doesn't, but she just smiled and raised her eyebrows at me, and insisted that he does.

But I don't know. I'm still sticking by my theory that he just doesn't know how to act around me anymore. But the idea that he might someday realize what he threw away, and beg me to take him back, is still somewhat thrilling. I know I don't want to be with him, and it would never work out between us, but there are still residual feelings there, lying dormant, deep inside of me somewhere. Because even now, my heart is still racing after seeing his name pop up unexpectedly on my phone. ((sigh))

I wish he didn't have that power over me. I don't even know why he does. It's just like, every time I see him, I'm so aware of him, it drives me crazy!

Anyways, I'm officially calling it quits with Tennis Shoes Dave. I'm just not attracted to him, and I just can't make myself be attracted to him. I'm tired of wasting my time with guys I'm not really that into. He's nice and all but...the chemistry's just not there. And I'm so busy, all I wanna do is have fun and be single when I have spare time.
Ali and I have been hanging out a lot lately, because she just got dumped, and she's been really depressed. So she's been calling me and texting me every day, and we went to the movies on Tuesday. Last Sunday, Taryn and I did a little bit of Sunday Funday. I miss that! Being able to go out all day Sundays, and have fun with my girlfriends. So now, me, Ali, Taryn, and technically Bethany (but not really, cuz she's been seeing Ben's cousin, unofficially) are all single!
Alli and I are gonna hang out this Sunday, so Taryn will probably come too.

And next Saturday, I got the night off! Jenna and I are supposed to hang out, and Todd's gonna be in town, but I haven't decided if I'm gonna invite him out with us yet. I'm sure Jenna will be against that.

But right now I feel like things are really looking up. This morning, me, Veronica and Dana (my officemates) had a meeting with the head honcho boss lady about our projects. We were all really nervous about it, cuz she asks a lot of hard hitting, randomb, obscure questions, that almost no one knows the answers to off the top of their head, but it went surprisingly well! And she thanked us, and told us we were really helpful. So things at work have been good.
And I am really, completely, actually and totally no strings attached. To anyone!

And I feel so carefree! Tonight is going to be a good night at work. I can tell, cuz I'm in such a good mood!

Insider Info

My boss is out of the office today so I can listen to my iPod! Haha. So I'm rockin' Rude Boy by Rihanna at the moment. I'm sure my boss wouldn't care if I listened to my iPod, but I don't, just in case he sneaks up on me while I'm jammin' out. Lol.
Anyway, Jenna talked to Dave again yesterday, and she gave him my number, finally. So perhaps I'll be hearing from him soon. We'll see...
Tonight, Cecilia and I are going to see Dierks Bentley at the rodeo! I'm so excited! We're going again next week to see Rascal Flatts. I always have so much fun with Cecilia so I'm glad we're going to finally get to spend some time together.
So yesterday, I heard from 2 people (Ben and Taryn) in 2 totally separate conversations that Jayme is apparently telling everyone that Todd is obsessed with her, and smothering her, and she's so annoyed with him, etc... Ugh. How fucking typical. I mean, he gives his affections to someone who clearly doesn't deserve them, and then she just...throws them away! What I wouldn't do to be in her position... ((Sigh)) Whatever.
To Anonymous who commented on my last post, I didn't think your comment was mean at all. And I appreciate your perspective, because I hadn't thought about it that way, and I guess you're right. I kind of knew that in a way, because I know how crazy it sounds to say he chose her over me, it's just... I dunno. I'm still not ready to talk to him yet. Even if he and Jayme are already over.
I just hope that Jayme is honest with him, so that he doesn't continue to waste his time on her. Then maybe I could get my friend back.

Here's a little story I've gotta tell
'Bout this boy I know so well
Back in the day was cool and all
Fell in love, I fell in love
Thought he was the one for me
Other boys I could not see
And look what happened to our love
I'm like how could it be?

It should have been me and you
It could have been you and me
Boy you broke my heart and now I'm standing there
It should have been me and you
It could have been you and me
Now all I got are these photographs

All I've got, all I've got
All I've got are these photographs
All I've got, all I've got
Is nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you

Now baby it's killing me
I'm saying it's killing me
The fact that you ain't around
Baby I'm falling down
I need me a remedy
Been looking for remedies
I need you to be around
Baby I'm hurting now
I know you're a better man
When I was your girl
This land is a better land
When you're in my world
Today will be better babe
If it were like yesterday
So happy and lovely hey, hey, hey

All I've got, all I've got
All I've got are these photographs
All I've got, all I've got
Is nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you, you, you
Got nothing without you

All I've got are these photographs
I remember when I used to make you laugh
I don't wanna be stuck in the past
But you're all that I have that I had
And I don't wanna lose what we built this far
This is me and you, you're my superstar
I'd give anything, baby here's my heart
My heart, my heart…

Anybody else ever felt this way??



Quote Of The Day:

"Snail fiddling is not an occupation I'd be proud of. You dirty fucker."

No One

Why do I feel like Todd chose Jayme over me? I don't mean in a romantic sense, I just mean...it's like he chose to date her, rather than be friends with me. I know this sounds completely irrational, it's just...I can't help but feel that way! Ugh... He sent me a text the other night that said,

"Hey Peyton! I know you don't really want to speak right now, but just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated all the pictures and frames that you set up for me. I didn't expect anything and was really blown away. Thank you so much!"

((Sigh)) I wanted to write back and say something like..."It's not that I don't want to speak to you, I just need some time", but I just didn't respond. I just feel really hurt and trampled on. It's like he hardly knows this chick, but he's known me for 20+ years and instead of really taking my advice to heart, or even just considering it, he just completely disregards everything I say, and the way this whole situation makes me feel. I mean, what if they end up staying together?!? I will never be ok with that. Never. And I hate that he would rather spend all his time with her! I wanted to hang out with Todd while he was here, and now it's like I can't even talk to him! Part of me feels like Jayme manipulated this whole situation just to get me out of the way!!
ARRRRRRRRRRGH! I know how crazy this all sounds. Completely insane. Off the reservation. Batshit crazy. I know, I know. It's just...wtf is up with all my friends lately?? Why?? It's like just when I feel like I have someone I can really count on, they throw me under the bus. And what sucks the most is that at the end of the night, you know when you get in bed, and you kinda feel like crying, but really you just need somebody to talk to? I have no one.
No one.


Quote Of The Day:
"Stupid fucking cunty bollocks..... expialidocious."

Enter, Dave

A couple weeks ago, when Todd and I went out to dinner with my friends, he came over afterwards, and we looked through all my photos of his season. He picked out several that he wanted me to put on a CD for him, so that he could have prints made and hang them in his new place in Dallas. Well, since his birthday is next week, I went ahead and had the prints made for him. Then all the shit with Jayme went down, but I had already paid for the prints. And I still wanted to give them to him. So Saturday during the day, I went and picked them up and then I had them all framed. There were about 16 photos, and most of them were 8x10 or 8x12 so it came out to around $200 with the frames. ((Sigh)) But...the way I see it, Todd has done so much for me, and there's not really a whole lot I could give him that he couldn't get somewhere else. So I wanted to give him that. And I know how much it means to him.
So I headed over to my parents house afterwards and told them to give the pictures to Todd. They were heading out to his party, which I had been planning to go to, but decided against it. I told Todd I thought it was best if I just...took myself out of the picture for a while, because it's not like my feelings are something I can just switch on and off. And thinking about him and Jayme together just hurts.
So instead, I went and hung out with Jenna and her boyfriend. It was his birthday party, and Jenna really wanted me to go. Plus, she said she wanted me to meet this guy. I warned her that I wasn't interested in dating anyone, and I'm trying to get over my feelings for Todd, and I'm just...really not in the right place to be meeting guys.

"FINE! Just come, and meet him. No pressure. You don't have to marry the guy or anything!" She said.

I sighed, and reluctantly agreed. We met at one of our old hangouts from back in the day. My ex-fiance's brother still works there. He hates me. Awkward...

But Jenna and I had a really good time. I'm so glad she's moving back! She actually going to be staying with me next weekend. But we goofed off, and talked, and I didn't get drunk or anything. I'm trying to lay off the booze for a while after Thursday... So I just had one glass of apple cider, and that was it. And I met Dave. He lives next door to Jenna's parents, and coincidentally, he's friends with Jenna's boyfriend and all his friends too. Small world I guess.
Jenna kept making eyeballs, and dramatic gestures to the table behind us, to point him out to me. She was desperately waiting for an opportunity to introduce us. But Dave beat her to it when he came over and sat down next to me. It kind of surprised me actually, cuz he just sat down and started talking! He's a little bit older (early 30's. And I mean older as in, compared to guys I usually date), very attractive, calm, and nice. He has his own house, went to college, and he has a good job. He's actually a chiropractor and he's looking into starting his own practice. And he has a really warm smile. There's something about him just kind of puts a person at ease, ya know?
I didn't bother flirting with him, or putting my best face forward or any of that. I just talked to him, like a normal person. And I was totally myself. When Jenna and I went off on a Step Brothers quoting rant, I didn't hold back. Lol. So he pretty much saw me for me. And at the end of the night, when he didn't ask for my number, I didn't care! I mean, I kind of expected him to, but I wasn't bothered when he didn't. I had a good time with my cousin, and that's all that mattered.
But just as I was getting into bed that night, Jenna called. She wanted to tell me that Dave was mad at himself for not getting my number, but he was under the impression that I was going back to the hotel with everyone, so he thought he would have another opportunity. So Jenna told him she was going to be staying with me next weekend, and she asked him if he wanted her to arrange for us to all get together again, and he said yes. Lol. So now, Jenna and I are in the process of planning some kind of...group hang? I dunno, but we wanna do something fun, relaxing and you know, no pressure. Jenna suggested roller skating. And I'm down with that, I haven't gone roller skating in so long! Anybody else have any suggestions?

I wanna try a new approach with this guy. I mean, I don't even know if I like him, and I'm definitely not ready to jump into anything, but he's nice, and I definitely wanna see him again. And Jenna says he's the "settle down type of guy"; he's not into casual flings. Which is good, because honestly, I think I am a settle down type of girl. I just haven't found the right guy yet. And I'm going to take my time finding him. And I'm going to be myself and put myself first for once. You know, not put so much effort into making the guy happy in the relationship. And I'm not getting ahead of myself here, I'm not saying that DAVE is going to be my next boyfriend. I just decided that...when it happens, it happens, and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes.

Not In The Cards For Me

1) If you wanna say something rude, go right afuckinghead. But don't be a PUSSY, and put your name to your comment!!! I fucking dare you.

2) The stories I post sometimes, are not merely exercises in creative writing, they're true! :) They're memories; things that have made a major impact on my life.

Moving on...
Todd called me Tuesday night and we talked. The good news is, he and are fine, and I feel really solid about our relationship. He's not going anywhere, and that will never change. He cares about me a lot, and he said we've known each other too long for him to feel weird or awkward around me, no matter what happens. And he said he was sorry for hurting my feelings.
The bad news is, he said he doesn't see me that way. He said he thinks I'm absolutely gorgeous, but he just sees me as a friend. And apparently we had a conversation about this right before the season started, but I was drunk and I don't remember. I have GOT to stop doing that! I feel so stupid. Ugh... So he said he thought I knew what his feelings were, and it was not his intention to hurt me. The other thing is, he and Jayme didn't go on a date Sunday night. They went out with a group of people. She just failed to mention that. She made it sound like it had just been the 2 of them, am I wrong?? I mean I pasted the text messages, exactly as she wrote them. And I told Todd that too.
And after we talked about our relationship and everything, he asked me about Jayme. And I basically said, "Look. When I heard you were interested in her, I talked to a couple friends, just to get some advice, and they all said the same thing: that I was obligated to tell you how crazy she is. That I had to warn you."
So I did. I told him that he's way too good for her. That last year, she would never have given him a second glance. Sure, she probably would have liked him, had they gotten to know each other, but she wouldn't have even bothered. She just likes him now because of what he has to offer. And I told him that she gets insanely jealous with all her boyfriends, and screams, yells, and hits them, and just...completely freaks out... And I didn't think he would want to deal with that. Bottom line is, he's too good for her. Wayyyyyy too good for her.

And it's true, Jayme and I aren't really friends, by definition. We are coworkers, who get along, and who have hung out together from time to time, and I have never bore her any ill will. And if the tables had been reversed, I never would have made the decision she made. I never would have even approached her guy friend, and asked him out, knowing what she knows about Todd and I, if she were in my position. But clearly, she doesn't hold that same regard for me, and that's just the way it is.

Also, she lied and exaggerated about the situation! She led me to believe that she and Todd went out on a date Sunday night, and that he had asked her out again. But really, it was a group of people who hung out Sunday, and really she was the one who asked him out! So I think maybe she just wanted me to think that he was really interested in her, so that I would feel guilted into giving them my blessing. ((Sigh)) Whatever. It's none of my concern anymore. I warned Todd about her, he knows I care about him as his best friend, and I'm very protective of him. And he's smart. He will come to see what everyone else already knows. It will never last.

I'm still pretty depressed that he says he could never see me in a romantic light. I mean, never?? How can you say never? Things can always change, right? ((Sigh)) But I'm not going to hold out hope, because that would be foolish. And I love him so much (as a friend) that even if it hurts like hell, I will always be his friend, and I will always stand by his side, and be there for him, no matter what. And I know, at least, that he does feel the same, in that respect.

But there was more to our conversation... When I told him that my friends had said I needed to warn him about Jayme, he asked me who had said that. Because Jayme had told him that some mutual friends of ours had been telling her not to worry about me, and to just go for it. And Todd said that even though he'd promise not to name any names, he thought that if the same people were talking to me and to Jayme, I deserved to know who they were, because obviously they aren't very loyal friends.

So I named the people I talked to: Izzie, Ben, Bethany, and Melissa. And apparently Melissa is the backstabber! I just couldn't believe it. She had always been a good friend to me. Why would she tell Jayme to not worry about me, and just go out with Todd??
Then I remembered the text message she had sent me earlier that day. This is what it said,

"Peyton, I know u r really upset & mad right now, but u and Jayme have never been good friends. Todd's a nice guy, do you really think she would let this opportunity pass her up? I'm just trying to be honest."

And while that's true, why would she say that to me?? All I needed from her was a friend to lean on, someone to listen. I didn't respond to her text, but when Todd told me that she had told Jayme not to worry, "because she's not going to be reasonable about this anyway", I was just crushed. I mean, she and Jayme aren't even friends!! They've gone to work out together a couple times, but they are friendly acquaintances, at best. Melissa is supposed to be my best friend! And I'm not saying she should take sides, I just think she should have stayed out of it! It wasn't her place to call Jayme and talk to her about my problems! She had nothing to do with it! And that's exactly what Todd said, "I can't understand why she wouldn't just mind her own business".

So Tuesday night, I went to a movie with Ali (When In Rome) and after the movie, I took a deep breath, and called Melissa. I just wanted to make sure and remain calm throughout the conversation. I didn't want a screaming match. So when she answered, I said my calmest voice,

"Are you somewhere where you can talk?"

"Yea, what's up?"

"Well...I'm really mad at you, and upset and hurt. I can't believe that you would reach out to Jayme, and tell her that she should just go ahead and date Todd, because I'm never going to be reasonable about it. I just can't fucking believe that you would stick your nose in where it doesn't belong, and undermine me like that. Why would you go out of your way to say that to her, when you're one of the few people who actually knows how I truly feel about Todd!?"

"First of all, how dare you cuss at me and talk to me like that! I did not reach out to Jayme or say those things! And you have no right to talk to me like that! If this is the way you're going to talk to me, then this is where our friendship ends!"

And she hung up on me.

I tried calling her back, but of course she didn't answer. And now, I was furious, and really hurt. She didn't even offer to explain herself, she just got mad, and her first reaction was to end our friendship! WTF!!?? Now I know how Tim must feel ALL THE TIME. Not to mention, she knows better than to take offense to me cussing. I know it's a bad habit, but anyone who knows me, knows I cuss like a sailor!
And so the text message battle ensued...

Me: I can't believe you're not even going to hear me out and you're just gonna cut me off like that. CLEARLY I'm upset and I wanna clear this up. How can you sit here and make this about you??
Me: I just had the heartbreak of my life, then I find out from TODD that you were talking to Jayme about me. I thought I knew where your loyalties were, and I didn't think they were with Jayme.
Me: And it hurts my feelings even more that you could be so quick to end a friendship.

Melissa: I cannot believe you have the nerve to talk to me like that after I've always been there for you when Bethany and Summer and whoever else hasn't. U can be mad & act ridiculous I'm not worried about it. I have my own problems including my relationship with Tim, taking care of my sick granny & mom plus school. If you had talked to me things would have been different. I'm not playing these dramatic games with you, just leave me alone.

Me: Talk to you like what? Like I'm upset?? I'm not playing games. I can't believe you would hang up on me! That's immature and ridiculous. It would be much easier to TALK but if you're not worried about it then fine. You just wanna kick me when I'm down, not explain ANYTHING to me, not listen to what I have to say, just >click<. That's real nice.
Me: You were the last person I expected to hurt me like this. I don't know why you would reach out to Jayme instead of talk to me, and I can't believe that you could be so flippant and cold, and without giving it a second thought, end our friendship. Soooo fucked up.

Melissa: Undermine you, cuss at me and feel the need to talk to me like I'm beneath you. No, that's not ok & I'm not going to listen when I know nothing I say will change ur mind. I know u better than u think. I've always been loyal. I've always looked out for you. I've always been a good friend. I cannot believe u would react like this bc I talked to Jayme on the phone. Peyton, u are exaggerating & don't use words that I can't understand to make me feel stupid...

I didn't respond anymore after that. By this time, I was in my bed, sobbing, and just ready to go to sleep. But let me tell you what I think.
First, did I use any big words in that conversation that any of you couldn't understand??? Because I wasn't trying to patronize her.
Second, if she has so many of her own problems, and she's not "worried" about me, then why would she even expel the effort to call Jayme? It wasn't her concern!! And I think I have every right to be upset, because she obviously didn't want me to find out that she talked to Jayme. She obviously told Jayme not to tell me they talked, because Jayme made Todd promise he wouldn't tell me! And I'm sorry, but I will take Todd's word over anyone's, any day.

I was really upset and hurt and disappointed after that so-called conversation with Melissa. I mean how much rejection can any one person handle in a day?? But now I just feel...resolved. I mean I'm not going to kiss her ass or try to convince her to be my friend. I'm just sick and fucking tired of trying to make everyone happy. This conflict with Melissa never should have happened! Because none of this had anything to do with her!! And she's the one being dramatic, by telling me she's ending our friendship and then hanging up on me! What are we in high school again??
I know, I'm not without my problems, and drama seems to follow me wherever I go, but try to avoid being the cause of any of it. And try to stay away from people who are the cause. People like Jayme, and I hate to admit it, Melissa! She is like the most dramatic person I know!

So I've decided I'm just gonna lay low for a while. I have a couple of things already on the books for the next couple weeks but I'm pretty much not going to talk to anyone who isn't a relative, I'm not going to log into Facebook for like 2 weeks, and I'm just gonna stay home and be alone. I just don't feel like being around anyone. I feel so emotionally drained and exhausted, and beaten down. I just feel like...shit. Nothing ever seems to happen the way I want it to. I can't just be happy. It's just not in the cards for me.

The Worst Possible Situation EVER.

Ok... A lot of you are asking questions, so I'll explain what happened. First off, Jayme is a friend of mine who works at the shot bar. I've mentioned her here before. She and Summer used to be best friends. She's got huge fake boobs, and bleach blond hair, and she's a playboy-esque model. TOTALLY NOT the type of girl that I EVER thought Todd would go for. Which really hurts... But this is what happened.

Almost right after I posted yesterday, I got a text from Jayme. This is our conversation.

J: Hey call me when u get a free minute
Me: Well that won't be till 4ish. Why? What's up?? Tell me!!

Jayme rarely sends me texts, and we don't hang out much these days, so I had no clue what this was going to be about

J: Lol nothing really... Todd came into my bar the other night and got my number and we hung out last night.. I have always been under the impression y'all are best friends but I wanted to be sure because he wants to take me out again tomorrow.. And we talked about y'alls relationship and he told me y'all are like family and whatnot so I figured y'all really are just best friends but I didn't want to step on anyones toes if there was anything else going on. I'm sure I'm just paranoid but I wanted to come and ask u if it was cool with u if I hung out with him and what u thought about it.. Everyone says y'all are best friends and he said u were like a sister so I just wanted to be sure! Tell me what u think...

At this point all the blood had rushed to my face, I couldn't breathe and I was trying really hard to not start crying.

Me: Um...wow. Well honestly I have feelings for him, I just never told him, bc I didn't know how. But um...I don't know what to say.
Me: The truth is I've been in love with him for 2 years, but he's always had a gf. I really can't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now.

J: Ooooooh really??? Ok I won't hang out with him.. He told me y'all were like family so I had no idea.. I'm sorry.. I will stop talking to him!
J: Oh my gosh Peyton I'm sorry... We didn't do anything, just had dinner and some drinks.. I won't talk to him.. I had no idea

Me: Well...now I don't know what to do! He's gonna know its bc of me. I don't wanna tell you not to hang out with him. An if he thinks of me as a sister, that's certainly not good...((sigh))
Me: What did you ask him about me?? I didn't even know you were single. What are you gonna do/say to him??

J: Well he just called me and we talked about it for a minute.. He wants u to call him when u get off work...

Me: WHAT?!? WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM???
Me: PLEASE tell me you didn't tell him!!
Me: JAYME! TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID! I'M SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK! Don't say anything else to him about me!

J: Well we were talking about the situation and he said he already knew... He said you've had friends ask him what he thinks about u and stuff and he said you've hinted you've wanted to go on a date... I told him that this was awkward because I thought he thought of y'all as family (like a sister) and he said yes that's what he's always thought but that I guess recently you've tried to find out what he thinks of u...? or something...? anyways, I told him I thought u had some feelings for him and wasn't sure we should continue to talk and he got a little upset and said he wanted to see me again and I just don't know what to do.. And I don't want to hurt u and I've been single for about a month...
J: He said he needs u to call him so y'all can talk about all of this. I'm gonna stay out of this.. I really don't want drama and that's why I was making sure y'all were really "like family" so I won't talk to him until he tells me what is happening and then I'll go from there.. I'm not about to start a relationship with anyone anyways.. Seriously we just hung out for a couple of hours yesterday.

Me: Well honestly I never asked any friends to do any of that, so I really don't know who's been saying stuff to him. And I never said anything about a date bc we're just FRIENDS! And you CAN tell him that. I'm sorry you got dragged into this. I'm not going to call him. You can go out with him tomorrow, whatever, I don't care.
Me: I always respected him, and the fact that he was in a relationship and never tried to HINT that I liked him cuz I didn't want him to know! Are you on the phone with him again? cuz now I'm hurt, upset and PISSED. Not at you just...I wish I knew where he was getting this information from.

J: No I'm just running a bunch of errands, sorry. You aren't going to call him..? You sure you don't care I see him?

Me: Yes I care, Jayme. I feel like absolute shit, but I'm not gonna dictate who he can or can't see. I'm sitting in my cubicle trying to make it till 4 without bursting into tears!! I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND. But do what you want. Todd likes you, go for it. He's a great guy, who I obviously don't deserve.
Me: And if you tell him any of this I will murder you in your sleep.

Then Todd sent me a text: Hey call me when you get off work.

I didn't respond. At 4 o'clock, I literally ran out of my office. Todd tried to call me. I didn't answer. As soon as I got in the car, I called Jayme. No answer.

So I texted her.

Me: Can you please call me?? Cuz Todd just tried to call me, and I don't wanna talk to him until I know exactly what is going on.

J: Peyton, this is between y'all, not me. Please leave me out of this.

Me: I know that! I just wanna know exactly what you said to him.

I tried calling her again. Still no answer.

Me: Jayme. Seriously? You can't avoid me forever. I'm not mad, I just need to talk to you. This is really important.

J: Ok. Give me 5 minutes.

Then finally, I talked to her.

She said he went into the shot bar Saturday night, before he came to my bar, and she gave him her number. Then they hung out Sunday night, after we all went out to eat. And yesterday he flew out to make a speech somewhere, but he said he was flying back Tuesday to take her out again. And she told him the thought I might have feelings for him, and she felt awkward and didn't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt my feelings. And then he told her that she would be hurting his feelings if he didn't go out with her, because he thought they had a "real connection". WHAT!?? Ugh... Of course, this is all from Jayme's mouth, not his. And all the while this was going on, he was calling me, and calling me, and calling me. But I just couldn't bring myself to answer because I wasn't ready to have that conversation with him. I'm still not!
So Jayme said that she thinks I should call him, and that he really wants to talk to me, cuz I'm his best friend, blablabla... But I told her I just can't. Not yet. And I made Jayme promise that she wouldn't tell him we had talked, or anything I said. And she agreed. And I told her she would have to go out with him because otherwise he would know it was because of me.

After I got off the phone with Jayme, I called Izzie. She and I had been google chatting at work while all this was going on, so she was caught up on the story. She told me not to talk to Todd until I was calm. Because I wasn't obligated to answer his phone calls, and I was clearly in no fit state to talk to him. He was still trying to call me when I was on the phone with her, so I texted him saying I was on hold with the cable company and couldn't click over, but if he was calling about Jayme, I didn't care if he went out with her, and I didn't know what Jayme had told him I'd said, but Jayme's a bit on the dramatic side, and I really don't care.

Obviously that was a boldfaced lie, but I just wanted him to stop calling!
He texted me back asking me to call him when I got off the phone. But I never did, obviously.

I turned off my phone after that. My mom came over, and we talked about it. She said she knows I've liked Todd for a while now, but it's not the end of world, blablabla...usual mom stuff. But she doesn't know how I really feel about him.

I just didn't want it to happen this way. I wanted to tell him when I was ready! And not because of JAYME. ((Sigh)) Now he's telling Jayme he already knew I liked him, which when I think about it it's like...well if he knew I liked him, then why would he go off and try to date one of my friends!?

I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel like I've just been dumped, before I ever even got a shot with Todd. I just...can't take this anymore. It's like no matter what I do, I can't make things right. Everything is always screwed up. And I've never met a guy as great as Todd, and I don't know if I ever will, and for me to be with anyone else would feel like settling. Am I just not deserving enough to be loved by someone I deem worthy?? It's always just rejection. Every guy I've ever cared about has disappointed me in some major way. I just don't wanna do this anymore. I've never felt so heartbroken before because...not only am I in love with him, he's my best friend.

I woke up this morning, still feeling like shit, but with a little resolve. And when I got to work this morning, I wrote Todd an email. I haven't sent it to him yet, but I'm going to. Here it is...


"Ok, I don't really know where to begin, so this might just sound like a bunch of rambling. But I'm sorry I didn't call you yesterday, I just needed some time to collect my thoughts, and I turned my phone off.

First of all let me say, that your friendship means more to me than anything else, and I would never want to do anything to jeopardize that. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I don't really have a lot of people in my life that I can call true friends, who I can really count on. But I've always considered you a true friend, and as such, I want you to be happy, and I have always put your best interests ahead of my feelings.

That being said, my feelings for you are really...complicated. And I never meant to have this conversation with you in this way. I wasn't even sure if I would ever say anything to you about it. And just for the record, I never asked any of my friends to ask you about me, I don't even know who it was. And I never tried to hint anything to you about us dating, because I didn't want you to know how I felt. I wasn't even sure how I felt! And you were with Laura, and I respected that, and would never do anything to undermine that. Anytime that I asked you to hang out or go do something, I meant it to be JUST AS FRIENDS. The thing is, you are my best friend, and I know you're a good person. You're smart, and honest, and genuine, and I respect and admire you a lot. So I guess when you look at it that way, it's not really any surprise that my feelings for you grew into something more. But again, I wasn't really planning on saying anything, or acting on it, because I didn't feel the time was right, and I had absolutely no idea how you felt about me, and I didn't want to make things awkward between us. I was being honest when I told you I think you need to be single for a while. I wasn't saying that because I had some sort of ulterior motive, and I just wanted you to break up with Laura so I could have you for myself. And I hope that's not what you think. Because in my mind, our friendship comes first, and I always try to be honest with you, and tell you what I really think.

Which brings me to my next point. When Jayme texted me yesterday, it really caught me off guard. The first thing I thought was, why didn't you mention anything to me about it? If you were interested in one of my friends, why not tell me?? And I'm not sure what Jayme said to you about me, but I'm assuming she told you I had feelings for you, because she told me you said you "knew" I had feelings for you. And if that is actually the case, and you assumed I did have feelings for you, then why would you date one of my friends?? Because that seems kind of fucked up.
I'm not trying to tell you who you can or can't date. It's not my business, and if you like Jayme, go for it. But I am honestly not comfortable with that, and if you want to continue seeing her, I'm just going to remove myself from the picture completely for a while. Not because I'm angry with you, or with her, I just think it's weird. And I'd rather not hang around with the elephant in the room.
Under any other circumstances, as your best friend, I would feel obligated to tell you everything I know about Jayme, so that you could take what I know and make an informed decision about her. But since we are in this situation, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to say anything to you about her. And you're smart, so I trust that you'll figure it out on your own. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

There are a lot of things that have been swimming around in my head lately, and since I'm already on this tangent, I may as well tell you, that I worry a lot about you, and our friendship. Because like I said before, it means a lot to me. And your life has changed so much in the past year, for the best, but I know how overwhelming it can be. I'm just afraid that I'll wake up one day and you'll be this different person that I don't know anymore. And I really don't want that to happen. And sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because it's like your...new found fame, or whatever you want to call it, is this big thing that gets in the way of our friendship. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean...I don't want you to think I'm some starsucker who just wants to use you, or exploit you because of what you now have. Most of the time I just wish things could go back to normal. But I'm so happy for you, and I know you deserve everything, I just don't really know how to act around you sometimes these days. And that's another reason why I wasn't sure I wanted to say anything to you about my feelings, because I didn't want you to think I just suddenly decided I liked you because you're in the NFL. This is something that has slowly come into fruition over a period of time.

Just know that it is really important to me that I don't lose your friendship. And I don't want you to not see Jayme because of me. Don't worry, I'm used to guys liking my friends by now. Hopefully this clears everything up for you. If you still wanna talk you can write me back or call me after 4."


I'm about to send the email. I don't know what else to do. I guess I won't be going to his party on Saturday after all. I just can't bear to be around him if he's dating one of my friends. And I think it's kind of shitty of Jayme to act like she would stop talking to him for me, but obviously she wasn't expecting me to tell her I liked him. And she doesn't actually care. I just don't see what Todd see's in her. It worries me! This is the first sign of him turning into a famewhore! Big breasted, cheap, easy blonds, who take half naked photos of themselves and post them on facebook! Ugh... He is so much better than her! I mean, don't get me wrong, Jayme is nice, and she's fun, but... She has NO education. She has a 4 year old DEVIL CHILD, she sleeps around, she doesn't really have any self-respect or dignity, everything she wears is like...BOOB CENTRAL! HELLO!!?? and the caliber of men she normally dates is just...ASSHOLES. BIG, DOUCHEY, COCKY, ASSHOLES. ((Sigh))
All my feelings for Todd aside, I like Jayme, but I do NOT like her for my best friend.
I hope Todd realizes this sooner than later. I really do.

Devastated

Just found out that Todd went out with Jayme last night. They're going out again tomorrow night.
He found out how I feel about him. He obviously doesn't feel the same way.
Don't wanna talk about it.

Back To Normal...Almost

Well...I got my old job back! Mr. P. called me Monday morning, and I'm scheduled to work this weekend! It's such a relief...seriously. I also started training at the gym with Jayme. She's super fit, and she's a spokesmodel for some protein bar company. She just got her personal trainer's license, and she offered to train me for free! She said she wants to get some experience. Yesterday we did cardio and abs, and it totally kicked my ass! But in a good way! I felt really great afterwards.

Last night, Brandon came over and spent the night. Again, no funny business, although he did give me a little peck on the lips when he left this morning. And it definitely caught me off guard. I talked to him about me coming back to work, and told him I didn't want things to be like they were before. He said he'll try not to ignore me when we're counting money, and that things won't be like before. So far so good!

Today, I had an interview at a staffing agency. I figured it couldn't hurt to get my resume out there, and they can definitely help me with the networking part. ((Sigh)) I'm so exhausted right now. I'm dog sitting, and Jasper kept me up all night howling and goofing off with Chewy, then I had to get up early for a dentist appointment, after no sleep. Then I had to go to the interview, and I was supposed to go meet Jayme at the gym at 4, but I didn't get out of my interview till 4:30, so she said we can just pick back up tomorrow. Which is good, because I have a piano lesson at 7, and that is just wayyyy too many things for one day! I'm totally beat!

Brandon left for a golfing trip with his Dad this morning. He got up and left my apartment at like 7:30am! But they're just going to Corpus, and he'll be back tomorrow for work. I start back at my old job on Saturday, so tomorrow night will be my last night at the country bar! And boy am I glad about that!! I ought to raise a stink at the end of the night. Ugh.

I met with my lawyer yesterday, to give him some info, and tell him everything that's going on over there. He said, most likely, we'll settle, and I'll get a couple thousand dollars as compensation for my lost wages. :D I can always use a couple thousand dollars! Especially now, since I only worked one day last week and I spent the last of my cash on my teeth cleaning this morning. ((Sigh))

Well, I gotta go get some practicing in before my piano lesson tonight! Just wanted to give you guys a little update!

Ketchup

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. Things have just been so hectic since the new job and everything...
The first night I worked there, I absolutely hated it. And I was sure I wouldn't come back. I didn't get to work at the same bar as Summer or Bethany, and the place was just a total...clusterfuck! But it was busy. REALLY busy. And we ended up making so much money that night that I figured I couldn't afford to quit. And I figured I should give it another chance.
So I went back the next night, and it wasn't as bad. I still didn't get to work at the same bar as my friends, but I figured I need to get to know the other bartenders anyway. It's all girls and one guy. And right now, there are only 7 of us.
Last night, being a Thursday there weren't as many bartenders working, and Bethany and I are trading off every other week. And it was actually kind of fun! I got to know Jim, our only male bartender, since we were working in the back bar together. Then Jim went home at midnight and Summer came back to work with me. So she and I had fun together. Although...sometimes, she'll say something, or do something, a facial expression, or a gesture, that makes me think of Brandon. And it's like I have to look away. They're just so much alike. ((Sigh))
After work, all us girls went and ate at IHOP and that was really fun. There's this girl, Tara, who just moved here from Boston, and guess who she's dating?! Hot Dereck!! Lol. Small world, huh?
I was so surprised when I found out cuz...well frankly, he used to be a total manwhore! But good for him, I guess he's got his shit together. And Tara's a really sweet, cool, girl. Cute, but not your cookie cutter, run of the mill, blond with big boobs. She has a great personality! So anyways, she's my favorite one out of our bartenders. And then there's Cailee. She's young, blond, tall, and pretty. And very...well, young. You know, shes all into the scene, drinks a lot at work. A total party girl. But...I think she means well. I hope she does anyways. It's hard to tell with girls like her, because they're at a point where they could go either way...
And then there's Andrea. The 6 feet tall bombshell. Huge fake boobs, brunette, and happens to be dating Justin. One of the owners. Who also happens to be Jayme's ex-boyfriend. Lol. It's weird how everything seems to tie in.
So that's everybody! I'm sure you guys will be hearing more about them in the future.

Now, let me get you guys caught up on the non-work stuff. Sunday was Jayme's birthday party. Which was at my old bar. And sure enough, Brandon was there. I was having a good time, managed to avoid him for most of the day, until the very end of the night. Which, again, sent me heading home, sad and not in the mood to socialize.
The funny thing is, Gavin texted me and asked what I was doing. When I told him I was heading home, he asked me if I wanted some company, cuz he was bored. So...he came over! And nothing happened. I mean, he and Sierra are still on and off or whatever, and I would never wanna go there. It was just...really awkward. We watched half a movie, while sitting on opposite ends of the couch. He left after about an hour. But I have to say, it was nice to have his company, if only to distract me from my thoughts of Brandon. ((Sigh))
Monday night, I went out with Cameryn and DJ to this Stoli Apple release party. There were aerialists and dancers, and free alcohol! It was awesome. And it was so awesome to hang out with some of my friends from my old job. I miss everybody so much!
Of course, I ended up getting a little too drunk, and when I got home, I *67ed Brandon a few times. ((Sigh)) I KNOW, it was stupid. REALLY stupid. I knew even as I was dialing. But I just...couldn't stop thinking about him! No one answered the first couple times, and then on like...the 4th try, someone answered. A girl.
I was in so much shock I just choked. She hung up. I looked at my phone to make sure I dialed the right number. Did I dial the right number?? I don't know! I still don't know! I immediately dialed Summer. She didn't answer. I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, when I woke up, I had a text from Summer.
"Is everything ok?"
"Yea I just got a little too drunk last night, called your brother, and a girl answered the phone. I sorta had a mini meldown."
She was just as shocked as I was. But she said she'd try to find out who it was, if I even dialed the right number. I mean, I'm hoping I dialed the wrong number, obviously, but I know better than to hope for that. But I just can't help thinking, he hardly had time for me when we were dating, and he's so self absorbed and busy with golf, how could he possibly have had time to find a new girl already!?! ((Sigh)) Summer agreed with me on that front. But I really need to just stop obsessing.
Which is where Cory comes in! He and I went to high school together, and we had a lot of mutual friends, but never really hung out. So we're friends on Facebook, and he recently got dumped too. And we've been commiserating a lot. And the thing is...he's attractive, funny, tall, smart, sarcastic, and very genuine. And I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Especially since he told me he's coming to Houston next weekend. Yea, that's the only downside. He's going to school in San Antonio. But there's been a lot of flirting going on. Even when I was in Austin! I invited him to go to the river with us, but then we ended up not going. But he was gonna come! So he makes it a point to tell me he's coming to Houston, and I can't help but feel...good about this! I mean, usually I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up about something so uncertain, but I'd rather think about Cory and what could possibly happen, than think about Brandon and how much I miss him. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I just...miss him so much. It's like a piece of me is gone.
((Sigh)) So, I'm trying to be positive. About the Cory thing. Tonight all us girls from the new bar are going out to eat, and have margs before work. It's gonna be really fun. I'm glad I'm finally starting to get to know everybody, and sort of find my place in the world. That is, my small, cloistered little world. Well, I'm off to jump in the shower and get ready!

Waiting It Out

Brandon and I hung out Wednesday and Thursday night. Thursday, after we went out, we went to IHOP with Bethany and Brandon's roommate, because they had ridden together. Afterwards, he told his roommate to wait while he walked me to my car. I was so sure he was going to kiss me, but it was like he wouldn't come closer to me than 3 feet! And then his stupid roommate pulled around the corner and started honking his horn. ((sigh)) So no kiss. But he did call me when he got home, and we ended up talking on the phone till almost 7am Friday morning!
So Friday night, I had to work, obviously, and Brandon went out with his sister. After work, a couple people were hangin' out, drinking beer, and Brandon calls me. He's at his sister's apartment with Jayme and his roommate and he wants me to come over.
Well, I was sitting at a table outside with John, Mark and Blinn, and they were all talking about going over to Blinn's for drinks and poker. So I was really torn. Brandon? Or John?
AH!
So I told Brandon I was gonna chill for a minute, and finish my beer, and then give him a call in a little bit. So we all walked out to the parking lot after a while, and John asks me if I'm ready for that motorcycle ride.
"Well that depends," I said, "Is is a one way ticket? Are you gonna drive me back here to my car?"
"I can." He said, "Or we can just take a ride around the block and then I can bring you back over here if you want."
"Well if you just wanna get this over with, then sure!" I said teasingly.
"Ok, some other time then." He grinned.
So I walked to my car, and he got on his bike, and we all headed over to Blinn's.
We hung out and drank, smoked a little...the usual. But I couldn't stop thinking about Brandon. ((Sigh)) AND John. John was acting very....elusive. Confusing. He's just so hard to read. And it drives me crazy! I mean, I don't wanna wait around for some guy who's possibly not sure how he feels about me! And even if he is sure of his feelings for me, the least he could do is act on them in some way, shape or form! And not just when he's drunk.
So I decided to duck out early. I called Brandon and asked him if he still wanted to hang out. But he said that everyone had already left, and he was just gonna crash on his sister's couch. So I figured, what the hell! And I invited him over.
When we got to my apartment, he immediately started playing with Oliver. And Oliver loves him! It's so cute how Brandon talks to him. Lol. I swear, it was like I was competing for his attention. Haha. By the time we went to bed, the sun was up, and still no kiss. Not even a suggestive touch! ((huff!)) I was starting to second guess myself!
We laid there and talked for a while, and I was teasing him about being stand-offish. And he said something along the lines of, "I just don't want you to get the wrong impression of me. I like to take my time with people. Not just get in, bang bang! get out. I mean I used to do that, but I'm not like that anymore and I just....don't want you to see me that way. I dunno...I guess I'm just rambling."
We passed out soon afterwards and I woke up this morning not even remembering having made the decision to go to sleep. In fact, the whole time we were talking, all I kept thinking about was how I was just gonna kiss him and get it over with! Break the ice! Ya know? Because I really wanted to! But I never plucked up the courage. Oh well...
So we got up around 2pm, lol, and I made corndogs and we watched Seinfeld. Then I walked him out to his car, because my mom was on her way over. STILL no kiss.

Well my mom and I had plans to go to this wig shop by my house. We got there about 30 minutes before they closed, and she tried on several different wigs. It was really interesting to see her with all these hip hairstyles! Lol, it almost made me wanna try one on!
So I spent the afternoon with my mom; we went the bookstore, and out to dinner after the wig shopping. And almost the entire time, Brandon was texting me.
First I asked him what he wanted me to think of him. You know since he doesn't want me to think he's a manwhore, or a player, but he won't kiss me either! It's like he thinks I'm the plague! Lol.
His response?
"I don't know, but I like to take my time with people. But for your information, I like you and want to see you again."
Me: That's cool, I like to take my time too. Well, I try, but I'm just kind of impatient by nature."
B: Well, you don't always have to be the one that makes all the moves you know. But I'm not going to keep doing this if that is what you think.
Me: Oh really?? Well then what ARE you going to do?
B: I don't know, but I want to see you again. And I left my watch over there, so I guess that means I HAVE to see you again!
B: Maybe I can stay with you tonight??
Me: Sure

That's pretty much the gyst of it. He didn't end up staying tonight though, obviously. I mean it's Saturday and we do inventory and we didn't get out of there till late. I talked to him around 3:30am and he was already in bed. Apparently he has to take some clients out golfing at 9am. Lol. But he told me he's gonna call me when he's done and then we're gonna hang out.
Sunday's are my friend days though. So he's just gonna have to put up with me AND Bethany, cuz we always do Sunday Fundays together.
But we'll just have to wait and see how tomorrow pans out. Maybe one of these days I'll get a kiss.
Before I move on to the next part of this post, let me just describe Brandon to you. He's not as tall as I would like, but he has the most beautiful smile! Big, beautiful, perfectly straight white teeth. ((sigh)) And his hair is kinda long, shaggy and glossy dark brown, almost black. He looks really Native American. He says he's Cherokee. He has the nice olive skin, and high cheekbones too. But he has a very boyish look about him that I like. Anyways, that's pretty much it I suppose. So, moving on!

Melissa and I are taking a road trip to Dallas to go see Todd's football game next weekend! I'm so excited! We haven't really gotten to hang out in a while, plus it's been forever since I've driven anywhere besides Austin. And I've yet to see one of Todd's games!
Oh, and guess what else? Todd and his girlfriend broke up!!!!!!

Great Expectations

Today was the best day I've had in quite a while! But before I get into that, I'm gonna answer the one question I got. Lol.
The only blog I read really, is Bedroom Blog. I used to read this other blog, called American Girl Abroad, but she just out of the blue, stopped blogging. So I don't like to get attached to blogs like that. So yea, just Bedroom Blog.
So my day today. Actually, it started out pretty crappy. I got home really late yesterday; I spent the day with Bethany, Jayme and Alyssa. Baseball Guy made a brief appearance, but he got stuck driving his friend home and never made it back. Anyways, so this morning, my mom called and woke me up after only 4 hours of sleep to tell me about a potential job interview.
A girl at our church, Katy, is doing an internship at a marine shipping company in Houston, and told my mom about a job opening. Anyways, her boss wanted me to come in today, because it was the last day for interviews. So I did the best job I could updating my resume in the short amount of time I had, and then headed downtown.
Dani, a really pretty, dark haired woman, probably no older than 30, greeted me and led me through the dispatch room, and into a small conference room. Everyone stared at me as we walked through. Dani started laughing as soon as the door closed.
"Everyone was staring at you!" She giggled.
"Yea, I noticed." I blushed.
"They're not very inconspicuous, are they?" She continued to laugh to herself as she ushered me into a chair and handed me an application.
Then she warned me that 2 of the managers, as well as herself would be sitting in on my interview. I was the last one of many.
The interview itself was intense. For one, I definitely wasn't prepared, only having had 4 hours of sleep, and no prep time! And I didn't even get to properly research the company. But I did ask lots of questions, and tried to seem relaxed, and considering the circumstances, I think it went pretty well.
Afterwards I shook all their hands and thanked them for their time, and Dana told me they would be in touch.
I immediately texted Katy as soon as I got out of the building.
"OMG that was intense!"
"Really?? How did it go?"
I gave her a brief overview of my interview, and told her I did my best; now I just have to wait.
"All the guys in dispatch thought you were hot." She wrote, "They want you to come to happy hour and have drinks after work."
I laughed, and politely declined. Seeing as I don't have the job yet, I just don't think that would be appropriate. Plus, I really needed to visit a couple more apartments in the area.
And low and behold, the perfect apartment!!
It's in a great location, close enough to everything, and the complex is small, and quaint, with beautiful pools and courtyards. I love it! And the best part?? It's less than I was planning to spend and I can have a dog!! I've been wanting a labradoodle so bad for the past 6 months and now I can finally get one!! Oh, and there were no shortage of young, cute guys running around.
So I filled out an application immediately! Now I just have to wait for my credit report to come in, which I know will be fine. I can't wait to move out!
On my way home, Katy called. She had just left the mini happy hour party, and one of my interviewers had been there. She said she talked to him, and he told her he really liked me, but he thinks I would be better suited for a job like Katy's, because there are more opportunities to move up in the company, and it's less busy work. And as it turns out, Katy's internship is up on August 15, so the position will be open, and apparently they're already considering me for it. So she said they're definitely gonna call me back, and they're probably going to offer me something. And I mean I'm talking benefits, paid vacation and a 401k!
So now I'm home, just trying to decompress. I mean I seriously can't believe that 2 great things happened to me in one day! ((Sigh))
Now Alyssa and I are gonna go watch a movie, and oh! Izzie is calling me.
Gotta go!

Unexpected Things

Yesterday afternoon found me laying in bed, reading my book as usual. Around 6 I supposed I should get in the shower, in case I decided to go out later. Then when I was on my way home from feeding my horse, Melissa called and told me I'd better come to midtown with her and the girls. So, somewhat reluctantly, I agreed. I immediately went to my closet when I got home to start looking for something to wear. I tried on so many outfits, and nothing seemed right! I was about to just call it quits, and get back in bed with my book, when I stumbled upon an old shirt that I'd only worn once before, because none of my bras seemed to look right with it. BUT, I recently got that new 100 Different Ways convertible bra from Victoria's Secret, so I tried it on, and voila! It was perfect. So I was feeling much better already. There's nothing quite like that feeling when you just know you look good!
So I drove out to meet the girls in midtown. Melissa and the group were eating at a Mexican cantina, so I parked a block away and started walking. I walked behind the buildings instead of in front, so that I wouldn't have to pass by the shot bar and risk running into someone from work. But, I ended up running into someone anyway! Jayme called my name from the patio of the pub right behind the cantina. I turned to see who it was, and went over to say hi.
"I heard what happened." she said.
"Great...I guess everyone knows now huh?" I sighed.
"Um...probably. But I did overhear Blinn and Mr. P. talking about it today."
"Really!? What were they saying??" I haven't heard back from Mr. P. since his last email, and I'm pretty anxious to know what's going on.
"Well, Mr. P. was defending you, and Blinn was pretty much being an ass. He said he saw you do something. But Mr. P. was really sticking up for you. And I heard him say something like why did they have to punish you like that. So I think you might get off the suspension." Jayme answered casually.
"Hmm...well, who knows. But until I hear something, I'm avoiding that place."
Jayme laughed, and we exchanged a few pleasantries before I told her I was on my way to meet some friends, and left.

When I got to the restaurant, I sat down next to Melissa at the head of the table, and immediately told her what I'd heard. She and all the girls are boycotting my bar till I go back to work. Haha, I love them! So there were 4 boys sitting at the table with us who I had never met. Charlotte and Amanda were there too. Apparently they had all gone to high school together, but Melissa and I didn't know any of them. I did notice that the one sitting at the opposite end of the table from me was pretty cute. He had light eyes, dark curly hair, and a nice smile. I asked Melissa about him and she said he was a friend of Amanda and Charlotte's and that he came from a lot of money. Leave it to Melissa to list that as a characteristic. Lol. But she didn't seem to know much else about Friend Boy.

When everyone finished eating, Melissa and I took a cab over to Whiskey Creek where we were supposed to be meeting some more people. The boys didn't seem to like the place all that much, and it was pretty crowded and stuffy in there. I can only handle Whiskey Creek in small doses. Well, after a couple shots, Melissa and Amanda wanted to hit the dance floor, so they handed me their coats and purses and took off. I was a little put out by it at first, but then Friend Boy approached and we started chatting. Conversation flowed easily, and I found that I really enjoyed his company! After about 15 minutes of talking, he asked for my number, which I was delighted to give him. Around this time, Charlotte approached, and Friend Boy was called away by one of his friends.
"Omg Charlotte, he is so cute!"
"Yea, well he has a girlfriend." she said matter-of-factly.
"Seriously!?" I said. Disappointment must have been written on my face.
"Yea..." She sounded like she felt bad for me.
"Darn." I sighed.
Charlotte was walking away just as Amanda and Melissa came back from the dance floor with rosy cheeks.
"So, did you talk to him??" Melissa asked.
"Yea, but Charlotte just told me he has a girlfriend!"
"Well, yea but he's gonna break up with her like...tomorrow!" Amanda said.
"Really? Why? How do you know?" I asked, my interest piqued once more.
"Because they've been having issues, and he was planning on breaking up with her." Amanda answered.
"Hmm... Well...I dunno if I wanna get mixed up in that. I mean he still has a girlfriend! And he just got my phone number!"
I wasn't exactly sure what to think about Friend Boy anymore!

We hung out at Whiskey Creek for a while longer; I saw Vette Guy with some girl. We totally made eye contact too, but he didn't say anything to me. The girl he was with was ugly too! And I looked super hot! HA! Lol. Then Friend Boy asked if there were any other cool places around. Charlotte said she was ready to go too.
"Well where do you guys wanna go?" I asked.
"Let's go to Drake! I've never been there, and I really wanna go!" Charlotte said.
"Ok! Yea, Drake is awesome on Saturday nights. Who else is gonna come?"
"Well Amanda's with me, so she's coming." Charlotte replied.
"Ok, well we should get going then, it's already 12."
So me, Amanda, Charlotte, Friend Boy, and one of the other guys all headed out. We all piled into Charlotte's car, and that's when I noticed I had a couple texts. From Andrew. His text said to come to Drake. Small world! So I wrote him back saying we were on our way there.
We valeted the car, and got in line. They always have such a long line at Drake, but I can usually get in first with club courtesy. I espied Andrew waiting in the line a few people ahead of us. I went over to say hi to him. He kissed me on the cheek, and gave me a hug. I chatted with him for about 5 minutes, then I headed back over to our group, telling him to text me if he got in first. But he didn't. ;)
We had so much fun at Drake! We danced, took a few shots, and lots of pictures! I introduced Friend Boy to surfers on acid. He really liked them. I never ended up seeing Andrew again. He texted me saying they wouldn't let one of his friends in because of his shoes or something... But he said he would be at Rich's afterhours. So I asked the group if they were down for afterhours at Rich's.
"No, we're going to (Friend Boy)'s!" Charlotte squealed.
"You should come, I have plenty of alcohol, and Guitar Hero!" Friend Boy said with a sheepish grin.
"Ok." I blushed.

But our first order of business was to get everybody to their cars. There ended up being 3 cars, and the rest of the guys that stayed at Whiskey Creek met up with us as well. Then I was the only person in a car alone! So I jumped inside the car with the boys and asked if someone would ride with me, hoping, of course, that Friend Boy would. And he totally took the bate! In fact, he immediately jumped out of the car and said, "Sure! I'll ride with you!"
I can't really remember what we talked about as we drove, because conversation just flowed, and I remember laughing a lot. He's pretty funny too! So then we got to his house, and took the elevator from the parking garage up Friend Boy's apartment.
I followed Charlotte and Amanda into the bathroom where they changed into their PJ's. That was when things between Charlotte and I started to get weird... Amanda said something about Friend Boy and I hitting it off, and Charlotte suddenly got very territorial.
"Peyton...Friend Boy and his girlfriend are trying to work things out. You don't wanna get in the middle of that."
"I thought he was breaking up with her? That's what Amanda told me."
"Well he's not." she snapped.
"Ok..."
"Just...don't talk to any of my friends, ok?"
I almost laughed out loud when she said this, because it sounded so absurd! Who is she to tell me who I can and can't talk to!? But all I managed was an, "uuuhh..."
"Well, I'm just looking out for you. Because I mean, you don't wanna mess things up for them, and you'll just end up getting hurt." Charlotte tried to cover for her faux-pas.
"Well, you're right, I don't wanna get involved in any of that. But, I'm not trying to like...be his girlfriend or anything! I just think he's a cool person. And I'm just barely getting to know him." I defended myself. I mean, I don't wanna step on anyone's toes, but it was getting ridiculous. I left the bathroom feeling a bit unsettled.

Melissa definitely wasn't kidding when she said he came from money. He's 23 years old, and this was the nicest apartment I've ever been in! All wood floors, 2 full bathrooms, a huge kitchen, a study... It was super swank! I kept running and sliding across the floors in my socks! We had so much fun goofing off. They had the full Guitar Hero set too, drums, mic and all! And all the guys were playing shirtless, because "that's what real bands do". It was hilarious. I wish I woulda taken some pictures of that! I did notice that Friend Boy has a niiiice body!
After they finished with Guitar Hero, Friend Boy whipped out the Grey Goose and made everyone shots. Lol. Which we hastily chased with Sprite. At some point, Friend Boy and I ended up out on his balcony talking. And then he was kissing me... I pulled away suddenly.
"You know...I'm gonna get in trouble for this!" I giggled.
"What? Why?" he asked.
"Well...let's just say I've been warned about you."
"Warned?" he seemed genuinely confused.
"Charlotte told me you have a girlfriend and to stay away from you." I blurted out.
"What!?" I watched with amusement, as a range of emotions flickered across his face. Shock, confusion, annoyance, anger, determination...
"Well that's not true. I don't have a girlfriend. And she knows that."
"You don't? Well...she said you guys were trying to "work stuff out" or something..."
He sighed.
"The truth is, my girlfriend cheated on me, and I broke up with her, and there is nothing to work out. I just haven't really told anyone about her cheating. But...it was a long time coming I guess. I just let it drag out for too long."
"Oh. I'm sorry. That really sucks."
We sat in silence for a few minutes just staring out at the amazing view.
"Well, can I kiss you now?" he said, breaking the silence.
I smiled, and leaned into him. He really is an amazing kisser. And he kept telling me I was sexy. ((blush))
We must have been out on the patio for a while, because by the time we got back inside, everyone was passed out in a heap of bodies on top of a pile of blankets in his study. I laughed at the sight. Again, I wish I would have taken a picture.
So Friend Boy and I headed into his room and kissing commenced. Things started getting a little heated and I had to stop myself, and him, because I'm not gonna do that again! I eventually fell asleep with his arms around me. It was sooooo nice...just to be held. And I can't quite explain it, but he and I just really clicked. And there's just this...chemistry. Sparks! And it feels amazing.
Since we were up till like 7 am, we slept in till about 3:30. Then we just laid in his bed, talking for 2 hours. We have so much in common! He rides horses, and he likes photography, and he's really smart. I honestly see potential in this guy! It's crazy that it happened so fast, and I'm sure I'm probably getting ahead of myself, and I know I'm being careless by letting him disarm me so, but... I can't help it! He walked me to my car, and told me over and over again what a great time he had hanging out with me. And he said he's definitely going to give me a call this week. Then he kissed me goodbye, and...I left!

I immediately called Melissa on my drive home to dish. She said she's really happy for me, and not to worry about Charlotte because she's obviously just jealous. She said all the guys told her he's a great guy, and that if he and I get together he'll really treat me right. :) And she even told me that I should take him to the Foo Fighters concert this Tuesday instead of her! Even though we've been planning it for a while. I told her no, don't be silly, but she insisted! So I said if he calls me before Tuesday, then I'll ask him. But I'm not going to call him first. So I guess we'll see...

Demetri Of The Day:
“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of... It doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’... or ‘You’re going to live’... or ‘It’s a boy.’”

Surprises

The first thing I noticed when I got home was a HUGE box sitting in the doorway.
MY COAT!! I ordered it weeks ago for my trip to NYC and it had finally arrived! And it's gorgeous! Black, wool, and long with 2 buttons and an empire waste. I love it.
Surprise number 2? A text. From The Psycho. It said, "Hey I've been thinking and I'm sorry if I ever did hurt you...A lot of times I was inconsiderate of ur feelings, just want u to know that, kiss"
((Sigh)) I'm starting to wonder if he is ever gonna let this go. I mean it's sweet that he's really thought about all the shitty things he's done to me, and that he's sorry, but move on already! I know I have.

So anyways, I won tickets to Buzz Fest on the radio a while back, and Cecilia and I had plans to go together. But poor Cecilia got the flu and had to cancel at the last minute, so I had about 2 days to find someone to go with me! On Saturday night while we were counting tips, I asked Alyssa if she wanted to go, but she said she had to work. So I asked Jayme and she said she definitely wanted to!

So now onto surprise number 3! We got to Buzz Fest rather late, because Jayme took so freakin' long to get ready!! But we got there nonetheless. We immediately got a couple beers and started scopin' out the guys. Haha. Then we went up to the hill to find some seats, and ran into Andrew! He was shirtless, drunk, and his ride had gotten kicked out. Haha. So I offered to drive him home and we hung out with him for most of the day. Then towards the end of the evening, we went down to get snacks and Andrew ran into some of his friends. He introduced me to one of them with a knowing grin on his face and said, "This is Dereck's brother!" I tried so hard not to blush when I shook his hand.
Then Andrew asked if Dereck was here, to which his brother replied, "Yea, he's up there! Why don't you guys come up with us?"
So we did, and there he was! Hot Dereck!! Jayme and I sat in front of them, since we didn't really know any of the people in their group besides Andrew. The Smashing Pumpkins had gone on and it was totally dark by now. Then Andrew came and sat down next to me.
"So Dereck asked about you."
"He did?! What did he say???"
"He said, "So what about your girl?" and I said, "I dunnooooo...""
"What!? You said I don't know!?"
"Well if he knows you like him, he'll lose interest right away! But don't worry, he's definitely interested."
"((sigh)) Well...I dunno. Find out what they're doing after this."

So we sat there in suspense a little longer until Jayme and I were both too tired and ready to go. I went to get Andrew and he said they were all going to Dirt bar, but that Hot Dereck really wanted to hang out with us. He just couldn't ditch his friends.
So we said goodbye, and Hot Dereck gave me a hug! I said, "I'm sure I'll see you around soon!" and he said, "Hopefully!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah, I'm like a giddy middle school girl with a crush. Haha.

But today, I was reading one of his myspace bulletins...let me just go ahead and paste it. It's a survey, so I'm only gonna paste the relevant parts.

"3. Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?
probably, i can't remember who the last person i kissed was?? to many girls lol

7. Next time you will kiss someone?
probably tonight, who knows

16. Has someone ever hit on your boyfriend/girlfriend?
girlfriend?? ha ha

17. Have you ever kissed anyone named Kay, Kae, or Kaue?
probably i've kissed ALOT of people

47. Have you kissed somebody in the last month?
ha ha ha ha, more like how many"

UGH. Either he's writing all that stuff to sound cool, or it's true and he's writing it to sound cool. All I know is, this is bad.
And Andrew told me he was gonna "find out what the deal is" with him. So I dunno. I probably shouldn't even waste my time huh? It's just...when I see I guy I want, I just have to have him!! Even if he's horrible!
WHAT is my disfunction!?

It's Halloween today...I have to find another costume to wear to work. Ugh...

Mitch Of The Day:
"One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes."

One Crazy Night

Friday ended up being a total disaster! I mean, there were definitely fun moments, but overall...DISASTER.

I'll start from the beginning...
I was running late for some reason, I can't remember. Bethany and Jayme were already out and I was supposed to meet them at a club/lounge called Red Door. Also meeting up with us were Megan and Jenna. By the time I got to Red Door it was about 11:30 and they were ready to head somewhere else. Jayme's friend, Addy was in town from Austin and was also tagging along. The problem with that was, Addy is only 20. What the hell was Jayme thinking bringing an underage girl with us?! I mean that totally limits our options! So Bethany pulled me aside and basically said she wanted to ditch them. And both of us really wanted to stop by work for some free shots. But since Jayme works there too, it wouldn't be a good idea for us all to show up with a minor in tow.
Bethany explained to Jayme and Addy that some of her guy friends were meeting us at our bar, so we'd meet up with them afterwards. I texted Jenna and Megan to tell them the change of plans. So Bethany and I headed over there feeling very relieved!
Bethany's guy friends were already there, (I can't recall any of their names), and Megan and Jenna showed up shortly after we arrived. We had a couple rounds of shots on the house, and then decided to head over to Whiskey Creek. I saw John and Gavin too. They were both working. And for the record, Jenna thinks Gavin and I should date. ((sigh))
Anyways, when we got to Whiskey, we kind of split into 2 groups: me, Jenna, and Megan, and Bethany and her friends. For some reason, this pissed Jenna off and she kept making snide remarks like, "Your friends totally suck Peyton. I can't believe they're ignoring you." That got old pretty fast. I mean, I didn't feel like I was being ditched or anything because I was hangin' with my friends, and Bethany was with hers! Big deal! But Jenna didn't really see it that way I guess.
While we were waiting for drinks at the bar I started to scope the place out. The first person I saw was Eric The Skeaze. Seems I run into him everywhere these days! And he's always with a different girl! Ugh... The second person I saw was was me and Jenna's other cousin, Paul. This came as a big surprise because he recently got out of rehab...for cocaine addiction. He's pretty much the family scandal. But apparently, rehab "really changed him". Or so he says... He was with a date (he only dates Asian girls), but they both ended up latching onto our group. Around this time, Paul was leaning in to tell me something and his nose bumped my eye, and out popped my contact lense! That was when the night realllly started to go downhill.
Jayme and Addy showed up around the same time that Bethany and her gang disappeared. So we all decided to head down the street to Reef, where Hot Dereck works. Yes, that's what I'm calling him now. Hot, Unattainable, Bad For Me Dereck. ((sigh)) And sure enough, he was there, looking hot as ever. He bought us a round of shots, and I bought him a couple too. This was definitely the highlight of my night, seeing as the rest pretty much sucked. I was in a horrible mood when we got there! Jenna kept apologizing for her rude comments but then trying to justify them because she was "just looking out for me". Which, I understand, but nobody wants to be told that their friends suck. Especially by someone who doesn't even know them.
Anyways, I made Dereck smile for a couple pix while he was working. Heehee, and then I continued to look at them throughout the night. But we stayed at Dereck's bar until close and then headed back over to our work. Bethany called and asked if I could drive her over to Jayme's where her car was because Jayme and Addy were nowhere to be found. They came to Reef with us, but ducked out early. So we all met back up at our bar where they were closing everything down. We hung out for a little while, and then decided to go. I was gonna drive Megan to her car, when I noticed I locked my keys inside. Yup. As if my night couldn't get any more shitty. So I went back inside and asked all the guys if any of them were good with locked doors. Sure enough, Nick and Frank came to my rescue! And they actually managed to get it open in a matter of like...5 minutes! It was a miracle!!
((sigh))
So Jenna and Megan headed home and then I took Bethany to get her car. On the drive, we started chatting and decided to go eat at our favorite 24 hour cafe. We ended up staying there for a couple of hours just talking and sharing stories. It was fun!
So even though the night started bad, it ended ok.


Quick summary of last night: After work, Nick and I decided to stay for a couple of drinks and watch the Red Sox game. John and Valerie (one of the waitresses/bartenders) were there too. So we ended up staying for most of the night, and I ended up getting a bit tipsy, and THEN I ended up taking John home again, and spending the night. That turned out to be almost a carbon copy of the last time I stayed at his house... I'm still pondering on that subject...

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Austin!! Izzie and Shane got invitations to the Fall Out Boy AFTER PARTY!!! I'm soooo excited. Not really sure if the band will actually be there, but either way, I'm due for another trip to our state's great capital! So hopefully I'll have some good dish for you guys when I get back!

Mitch Of The Day:
"I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car."

Seek, And You Shall NOT Find

Well...not much has happened on the John front since our sleepover. I invited him out with Bethany and I the other night, but he declined. Said he had to study. Which is totally understandable! I mean it's great that he's dedicated to his...homework. ((sigh)) I dunno. Why does dating have to be so hard!? It's like, I haven't even made it past the first phase that leads to the actual dating part! Ugh...
I need to just stop looking. As soon as I stop looking, someone will come around. That's what always happens. And even though I know that's what I need to do, it's so hard!
Ok enough about my pathetic romantic life...or lack thereof.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Megan, my friend from high school that just got married, got a job bartending at my work. They only hired her to work the opening weekend shifts, because she doesn't have any full-volume experience. And I know I should be glad she got hired, but my first thought was...well I wasn't happy about it! I feel like my work life is being infiltrated! Is that bad??? I mean...I love Megan, I just don't want her working there! And just today, another one of my ex-coworkers from my last job got hired! Her name is Tina and I ran into her the other day and specifically told her we were not hiring when she asked! What is going on here?! I feel guilty for even having these feelings, but I just can't help it. I mean is it so bad that I wanna keep my work life and work friends separate from everything else?? I like that I have different groups of friends. It's easier to avoid drama, and sometimes I get sick of hanging out with the same people all the time. G's this sounds horrible! ((Sigh)) I dunno. I just don't like it!

Well, we had a blast last night. Me, Bethany, Bethany's boyfriend Tug, Megan, and one of the cocktail waitresses, Jayme, all went out. We had so much fun! And we're doin' it again on Friday night! I actually have off for once. Melissa is supposed to come too, but her grandfather is sick, so I'm not sure if she'll make it. But either way, I know we'll have a blast!

I've decided I'm gonna be a vampire for Halloween. A SEXY vampire. Lol. All I need is some fangs, and I have an old Rennaissance costume that I can wear and, voila! A sexy, but tasteful costume. Thanks for all the great ideas though!

Eric The Skeaze came in to the bar tonight. He flirted with me and bought me a couple shots until his whore date showed up. Lol. Even though I'm completely over him, I'm still entitled to be bitter, right? Muahahahaha.

Mitch Of The Day:
"I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!'"